Turmoil
by Skyscraper77
Summary: Tried making it a one-shot but due to popular demand, it's a story. Takes place S 11 E 8 "Turmoil", when Dickie is being interrogated by Olivia about his friend Shane and Dickie asks her if she's ever slept with her partner. Elliot loses his temper several times and Alex Cabot is being investigated by the State Bar Association. Please leave a review, I enjoy them a lot!
1. Chapter 1

**I've tried to add this to my story "Shades of Olivia" but it's not coming up for some reason and it's quite lengthy so I figured I'd just make a new "one shot" story for it.**

 **I know everyone is waiting for me to update "Aftermath" and "Manifesting the Abundance of Life" but Fanfiction is kinda fucked up right now with it's notifications and stories, hence the chapter not even showing up in "Shades of Olivia"… So I'm trying to wait until it's fixed before I update my other stories. I thrive off reviews.**

 **This takes place during season 11 episode 8 "Turmoil". To jog your memory, it's when Dickie and his friends Shane get into some trouble and Elliot loses his temper many times during the show. Cabot is being investigated by the board and some other shit went down too.**

 **Also, this is by far my favorite chapter of any story that I've ever written!**

Kathy was pissed at him.

He'd refused to let her file a missing person's report when the boys disappeared and Kathy had been mad. Eventually, the bank called him with a hit on Dickie's emergency credit card.

When Elliot and Olivia went to the school to interview a boy that Dickie had gotten into a fight with earlier that day, Elliot had lost it.

His anger had flared and he'd attacked the boy as soon as the boy had given Olivia lip.

Danny Proctor was the kid's name.

Olivia had walked up to him on the school grounds and told him that she hoped he was guzzling soda, even though she knew it was alcohol.

Danny had jumped right in her face saying, " _I already have a mom, bitch._ " And Elliot was on him in no time. It was like the detective had been looking for a reason to beat someone up. His anger was radiating, begging to get out of his body.

Elliot picked Danny up by the front of his shirt and slammed him into the ground. Olivia had to pull Elliot off.

…

They discovered both Shane and Dickie had been talking to a recruiter for the army, which only added to Elliot's anger. His kid was going to college, not into the army. And that's exactly what he told the recruiter who had been talking to Dickie, a minor.

Unfortunately, the recruiter fueled him even more, telling him in under two years, Elliot had no say in what Dickie did and that the army had no intentions of turning him down.

As soon as they walked outside of the army recruiting office, Elliot reared his fit back in preparation of hitting the brick wall at full force. Olivia stepped behind him quickly, covering his fist with her hand. Elliot stopped immediately, knowing that now if he punched that wall, it would be Olivia's hand hitting it instead of his own.

" _Breathe,_ " she whispered in his ear from behind him.

Adrenalin was pumping through his veins. He had so much anger that he was breathing, but too fast. His chest was heaving up and down as he breathed in the fresh air around them.

Elliot slowly dropped his fist and Olivia released her grip on his hand. He turned his body to face her but instead of looking at her, he stared at the pavement.

" _I gotta find my son…_ " He whispered to her softly as he ran his hand down his face.

Olivia had a small, sad smile on her face that he couldn't see.

" _You will._ " She told him. " _Come on, we have to get back to the house, we got something on our rape case._ " Olivia stated, referring to their precinct. She even put a hand on his back to usher him in the direction of their squad car.

Elliot didn't think Dickie was in any danger. He just needed to find him and figure out what the hell was going on.

Olivia knew it wasn't a good idea for him to be working two cases, especially when one wasn't even their case and it evolved his son but she was his partner and she had his back.

They headed to the precinct to see what development they had.

…

Elliot had been off the entire case.

Alex Cabot was off her game as well because she'd found out an investigator from the state bar was keeping tabs on her. She'd met with Sonya, who was working on getting sober through her court ordered program, and Sonya had warned her about Elliot and Olivia. She'd told Alex the two detectives were close, too close, that they were loyal to each other, not her.

Alex had been surprised at Sonya's words, so much so that she'd almost laughed in her face.

They were her friends. Olivia and Elliot were supposed to have her back. They'd both been there for her when she had come back from witness protection and had to testify. Not only that, but Alex was very close to Olivia.

But Sonya had been right. Elliot and Alex went at it in the squad room while Olivia stood by silently, siding with neither of them. Alex knew he wasn't supposed to be working this case that involved his son because it was personal for him and it wasn't even their case, it belonged to Queens.

Alex needed him to focus on their rape case before they screwed up and her license got yanked. Ever since she'd talked to Sonya, she was on alert. Olivia and Elliot weren't acting like they were on her side and Alex had put up her walls, even with Olivia.

She had told Cragen they were breaking the rules and he knew it. Cragen wasn't happy with Elliot and it showed.

Eventually, she'd vacated the squad room and left them to do whatever the hell they were doing with the case involving Elliot's son and his friend Shane.

…

Olivia and Fin had been charged with heading to the homeless shelter to track down Shane and Dickie. Elliot was supposed to back down. Cragen told him to either work their rape case or go home. It was a direct order, and one that Elliot ignored.

He followed Olivia and Fin. Once they got their answers from the homeless shelter, they knew Dickie's location. Olivia was annoyed that Elliot had followed them but she knew she couldn't stop him, so she told him to jump in the back seat.

When they arrived, Dickie was beating up a homeless man, demanding answers to Shane's whereabouts.

Elliot barely let the vehicle stop before he was jumping out, running towards Dickie. He grabbed his son, the 2x4 that Dickie was using dropped to the ground, and Elliot ushered him to stop and calm down.

Fin took the homeless man to the ER, he needed medical attention from the head wound Dickie had given him.

Elliot forcefully grabbed Dickie by the shoulders.

" _Let's get back to the precinct so we can sort this out._ " Olivia stated, walking to Dickie.

" _I'm taking him home._ " Elliot told her, looking at Dickie who remained quiet.

Olivia looked at him like he had gone insane. When she realized he was serious she called after him, running up to stop him from moving further.

" _Elliot… Elliot, stop!_ " She called to him, grabbing his arm that was attached to Dickie and yanked him back. " _Your son just assaulted a homeless man with a 2x4, there no way he's going home._ " She told him with fire in her eyes. She gently took Dickie by the arm and started walking down the street towards where Elliot's car had been parked.

" _Don't make this harder than it already is…_ " she whispered as they walked away.

Luckily, they weren't that far from the homeless shelter where Elliot had followed them to in the first play.

Olivia was tired of his anger. He needed to get it out. Soon.

…

Back at the precinct, Olivia walked Dickie into the interrogation room and they sat down. It was a rough interrogation and Elliot and Cragen watched through the glass.

Olivia asked Dickie about Shane and he told her Shane was missing, that they needed to be looking for him.

Dickie got up and started pacing back and forth while she'd remained seated.

" _You went through a lot of trouble for a friend… you two must be pretty close…_ " She told him, staring at him intently.

" _I'm not stupid, I know what you're doing._ " Dickie turned around and shot at her. " _My dad pulls this tactic on me at home when he's trying to get personal…_ " he told her.

Dickie walked over to the table and placed his hands on it, bending over to get in Olivia's face. He did something she hadn't been prepared for.

" _How about you? Ever sleep with your partner, detective?_ " Dickie shot at her, looking Olivia right in the eyes.

" _Never._ " She answered immediately with a straight face. Her eyes were narrowed, as if she hadn't been phased by the question that was shot at her.

Through the glass, Elliot and Cragen had stared. If the question had affected Elliot in any way, he hadn't let it show.

Cragen huffed, running a hand down his face, he exited the room to head back to his office.

Elliot's eyes continued to take in the scene in front of him.

" _Now, are we done playing games?_ " Olivia asked Dickie as she got in his face, matching his stance. She knew how to hold her own, even with a sixteen-year-old.

" _I don't have many friends. No one wants to hang out with the kid whose dad is a cop. Most people my age like beer and want to smoke weed…_ " Dickie trailed off.

Elliot turned the intercom off. He didn't want to hear anymore.

Within a few minutes, Olivia was out of interrogation, leaving Dickie in there to sit for a bit while they figured out what their next move was.

Elliot stared at his son through the two-way glass and Olivia stood beside him with her arms crossed in front of her.

Olivia huffed. " _He's real worried about Shane. I think Shane might be in some real trouble…_ " she told Elliot honestly. This was turning into a more serious case, a case that still wasn't theirs. Shane was in trouble, that much was evident but they had nowhere to go, nothing to go on.

Elliot took a deep breath.

" _I've never seen you lie so well… so quickly…_ " he said, keeping his voice low and turning his head to his right to look at her. " _It's kinda scary._ "

She pursed her lips together tightly, still staring at Dickie and refusing to look at Elliot.

" _I'm sorry he did that… I don't know why he asked you that…_ " Elliot told her. She swallowed hard.

" _It's fine…_ " Olivia told him.

" _It's not, but you played it well…_ " He commented.

She rolled her eyes.

…

 **Flashback:**

They'd slept together once, a little over three years ago.

It was after Gitano happened. They'd both been vulnerable but he'd still been married. He was supposed to be working on his marriage with Kathy but Gitano fucked them up good.

He'd brushed off Olivia at the hospital, telling her they were too close, that they couldn't be partners if they chose each other over the job again. Elliot had cost a little boy his life. He'd put Olivia first and he was losing everyone in his life.

Olivia had left the hospital and gone straight home, intending to open a bottle of wine. She had been traumatized from what all had happened, from Ryan dying, from Elliot almost dying, from herself almost dying, from Elliot stonewalling her…

But she didn't get to open the bottle of wine. Apparently, Elliot had followed her home. She'd been home all of ten minutes before he knocked on her door. She had had enough time to change clothes and go to the bathroom.

She'd opened the door and let him in.

Realizing her couch was covered in clothes, she picked an armful up so he could sit down. When she walked to her room to put them on the floor in her closet, he followed her.

After she'd thrown her clothes on the floor, she turned around and there he was.

" _We're fucking up our partnership._ " He told her bluntly.

" _We?_ " she asked, cocking her eyebrow at him.

" _We're too close._ " He whispered to her but he had a look on his face. A look that told her they were in trouble.

" _Well you don't have to worry about that because I'm asking for a new partner in the morning._ " She told him.

" _Like hell you are._ " He responded quickly, walking over to her and basically getting directly in her face.

" _You said it yourself. We're too close… we need a break._ " She shot at him.

" _I never said we needed a break…_ " He argued. " _We just need to re-evaluate some things… do things a little differently…_ " He told her firmly, his eyes begging her not to break them up.

Olivia scoffed at his response. He was going back and forth. One minute he wanted her to be his partner, the next minute, he didn't. It was like he couldn't decide, like he couldn't choose between his feelings.

A beat of silence had passed between them while they were still in close proximity. When Olivia finally made her move, he'd seen it coming and he didn't bother stopping her.

She leaned forward, placing both hands on his face, she leaned in and kissed him softly. Her tongue didn't have to seek entrance because he opened his mouth immediately and began kissing her back.

It was a hungry kiss that was almost more of a make out session than a kiss.

" _I almost lost you today and that kiss… that's why I'm asking for a new partner…_ " Olivia told him after she pulled back and wiped her mouth. " _I've been wanting to do that for years. We've never even kissed before but Jesus it feels like we've done it a thousand times… that was so natural… we're too close._ " She shook her head and looked away. " _We need time apart… we need a break._ " She thought for a moment before correcting herself. " _I need a break._ " Olivia stated, looking to him, needing him to understand.

Elliot hadn't been shocked by the kiss. They had chemistry, they both knew it. It was something they could physically and emotionally feel but they'd never kissed or touched intimately. Sure, a hug here and there but that was it and only when it was necessary.

" _The past forty-eight hours have been the worst._ " Elliot told her softly. " _We've been through a lot…_ "

She gave him a sad smile. They had maybe gotten all of seven hours of sleep during the past two days.

" _A kid died because of me, Liv…_ " He continued, sounding defeated. " _I blamed you for that and I'm sorry… I was mad and upset. I hated myself… I still do._ " Elliot confided in her. " _I wouldn't be surprised if you hate me too, especially after everything I've thrown at you the past twenty-four hours…_ " Their fight earlier in the day had been bad but he was out of his mind at the hospital. He'd told her that he knew she would have taken the shot, the shot that would have killed him. They were both in shock but that was no excuse.

He wrapped his right arm around her waist and pulled her to him. Olivia rested her forehead against his and his right hand snuck up under her shirt and remained on the bare skin of her lower back. They both closed their eyes tightly.

" _I don't hate you, and Ryan dying isn't your fault…_ " She whispered to him.

Elliot let out a deep breath and slipped his right hand into the back of Olivia's pants, under her underwear, which he could tell were made of lace, and he grabbed a handful of her left ass cheek.

Olivia let out a gasp and swallowed hard again. Her hands came to rest on his shoulders.

" _We can't…_ " She told him in a hushed whisper. " _You're married._ "

" _I'm separated…_ " He whispered back as he kneaded her ass with his hand.

" _You're married._ " She corrected, even though she was very much enjoying what his hand was doing to her ass. Their eyes remained closed with their foreheads pressed together. " _And you're supposed to be working things out with Kathy… you both are going to couple's therapy, you see each other often… you're probably back to fucking her._ " Olivia stated boldly. " _So, what do you need me for?_ "

His hand continued its motion against her soft, warm skin.

" _You know better than that, Liv…_ " He warned her lightly as he leaned forward and nipped at her bottom lip. She kissed him back without hesitation.

They were basically wasting time by talking now, stating the obvious and procrastinating even though they'd already passed the barrier of no return.

" _You still wear a ring…_ " She responded softly.

" _Want me to take it off?_ " he asked in another whisper.

" _No._ " She answered immediately and leaned forward slightly to capture his lips. It was almost as if him leaving his ring on aroused her even more, when it should have done the very opposite.

They made out for a good minute and his left hand slipped inside her pants to rest on her right ass cheek. She could feel the cold gold band that he wore on his finger against her skin. With both hands on her ass, he pulled her body firmly against him. She could feel his arousal.

Olivia was the first one to pull back. She put her arms around his waist and rested her forehead on his right shoulder and his hands stayed in place.

" _I never wanted to be this kind of woman._ " She whispered to him, realizing they were about to do the inevitable.

" _You don't have to be, Liv._ " Elliot told her softly, stopping the movements of his hands and removing them from her pants. " _I'll leave._ "

As soon as the words left his mouth, Olivia's grip around his waist tightened and she kissed his collar bone, insinuating that she didn't want him to go.

He let out a sigh. There was no way he was leaving her apartment. Not tonight.

Olivia leaned back and pushed his jacket off his shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. She looked him in the eye as she lifted his shirt. He complied, lifting his arms over his head so his shirt came off.

Soon, they were both naked and in her bed. Elliot was on top of her, one hand on her breast and the other bracing himself on her mattress as he slipped his hardened member inside of her.

" _Oh, fuck!_ " She gasped when he entered her, closing her eyes tightly. He had waited a few seconds to let her adjust before he started moving.

He went slow at first but eventually, his thrusts grew fast and frantic. He had so much pent up inside him from everything that had happened. He needed release.

" _Mmhmm…_ " Olivia let out a loud moan and the sound of skin slapping on skin could be heard throughout her apartment. He hiked her left leg over his hip to get a better angle, which only made her sounds come louder.

Elliot pounded into her hard and she arched her back as her orgasm hit, making an 'O' shape with her mouth.

He continued pounding into her as she rode out her waves of pleasure and once he was sure she had finished, he allowed himself to fall over the edge, grunting and calling her name as he came.

As far as birth control was concerned, he never asked and she never mentioned it. He came inside her but he wasn't worried. He knew she must be on the pill or have one of those IUD things inside of her. She'd never let him risk knocking her up.

Afterwards, he laid beside her. She'd leaned up and covered them with her sheet, like it could protect them from the sin they'd just committed.

" _I'm still asking for a new partner…_ " She whispered to him as they were basking in the afterglow of their sexual activity.

" _I know I keep saying we're too close… but I don't think we can get any closer than what we just did…_ " He told her seriously.

Olivia took a deep breath. " _You almost died today, El… I… I almost killed you…_ " He didn't need to look at her to know she had tears in her eyes.

Elliot turned on his side and pulled the sheet from her chest.

She looked at him in curiosity.

" _What are you- Oh god!_ " she responded when she felt his mouth on her right nipple. Her fingers weaved through his short hair as her tears disappeared and she felt arousal again.

He let her nipple go with a popping sound.

" _I'm fine…I'm right here, Liv._ " Elliot comforted her, looking into her eyes. " _If we're gonna do this tonight, we might as well get as much out of it as we can and make the best of it…_ " He told her as he began kissing her stomach, trailing down to his designation between her legs.

She fisted the sheet and let out a string of curse words when his tongue licked slowly up and down her slit. He had to wrap his arms around her legs to steady them because she kept moving so much from the pleasure her body was experiencing. It didn't take long after his tongue entered her body before she was coming again, yelling his name.

After he was done, he propped his forearms beside her head and rested his pelvis against hers, staring at her intently. He was hard again but she wasn't surprised.

" _I'm the other woman…_ " She whispered, looking away. She almost sounded broken.

" _I'm separated._ " He told her once more, leaning down and capturing her lips with his own.

She looked back at him when he'd finished kissing her.

" _You're married._ " She'd whispered, correcting him again and running her hands up and down his sides and he jumped slightly. " _And… you're ticklish?_ " she asked, making a questioning face.

He smiled down at her. " _I am… my secret's out. Please don't tickle me… I hate it._ " He was being sincere.

" _Okay… I won't._ " She promised. " _Your secret is safe with me._ "

Elliot leaned down and captured her mouth again while Olivia rested her hands on his muscular back. She could feel his dick pushing at her entrance and she widened her legs, giving him permission. He pushed into her slowly but instead of beginning to pump in and out like she expected him to, he just stayed inside her.

" _This stays between us._ " Olivia whispered to him.

He looked down at her with curious eyes. " _Who do you think I'd tell?_ " he asked.

" _Your priest._ " She shot back.

" _Confessionals are for things that you're sorry for, for when you want to repent…_ " Elliot told her and his words weighed heavy with her. " _I don't regret this._ "

" _You will._ " She replied.

" _I won't._ " He countered.

" _You should._ " She fired back instantly.

" _Never._ " He'd stated and she couldn't reply. Not only because he'd left her breathless with his words but he'd also began slowly pumping in and out of her. She'd closed her eyes in ecstasy. Olivia knew she wouldn't come again. She'd already come twice and that was good for someone her age but it wouldn't happen a third time. Even so, she was enjoying the sensation.

Elliot getting off twice for a man in his forties was pretty good too but with the shit that they'd been through recently, they both had needed the stress relief.

He'd buried his head between her neck and shoulder. " _Oh god, Olivia,_ " he'd grunted as he came inside her. She'd held onto him tightly.

After he'd finished and moved beside her, she'd once again covered them with her sheet, as if she could erase what they'd just done or hide it from the world.

Olivia Benson bedding her married partner.

Now, it was his turn to be emotional.

" _I… I killed a kid today, Liv…_ " He whispered to her silently. Elliot was no longer blaming her, he was now blaming himself. He had been ever since he left the hospital. Elliot knew he'd mentioned it before they had fucked but this wasn't something you got over quickly. It'd be on his mind for a while. After today's events, they'd both be forced to go see the psychiatrist before they could go back to work.

Seeing him get emotional was killing her on the inside. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled his head to her chest. Elliot wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed the top of her breast, accepting her comfort.

That's how they fell asleep.

When morning came, they both showered and dressed separately. It wasn't awkward, it was just different.

" _I'm still asking for a new partner…_ " She'd told him once they were both fully dressed and back in her room.

He nodded his head. He'd figured as much.

" _Promise me you'll come back?_ " He asked her with sad eyes.

She smiled at him lightly. " _It's not permanent… it's just a small break._ " Olivia promised him. " _You're going to keep going to therapy with Kathy and you're going to work it out._ " She added a little too forcefully.

" _I will…_ " He complied.

" _What happened last night…_ " Olivia started. " _It won't be happening again._ " She said firmly, looking him in the eye.

He nodded. " _Can I have a kiss goodbye before we go back to being just Benson and Stabler?_ " he asked her.

She snorted, walking over to him. " _Have we ever just been Benson and Stabler?_ " She asked but he didn't get a chance to answer because she gave him the kiss he'd asked for. It was nice and long, neither one wanted it to end.

When Olivia asked Cragen for a new partner, he had agreed. He knew they needed a break too, especially after their fight in the squad room the previous day. But instead of giving her a new partner, he transferred her to computer crimes. He'd told her to take as much time as she needed, that he'd save her a place for when she was ready to come back.

…

 **Back to present day:**

The homeless man Dickie had attacked had decided not to press charges so far, not like he would have been able to anyways since he had been high as a kite during the altercation. He probably didn't even remember the attack.

Elliot allowed Dickie to sit in the chair beside his desk while they waited for Kathy to pick him up.

Olivia went to the bistro around the corner and got him a sandwich. When she came back, she tried to hand it to him, showing him that she harbored no hard feelings for the way he'd treated her in the interrogation room. Or it could have been because guilt was consuming her from fucking his father while he was still married to Dickie's mother…

" _What do you say?_ " Elliot asked Dickie as Olivia held out the sandwich.

" _No thanks…_ " Dickie mumbled and it took all of Elliot's strength not to roll his eyes. Clearly, his father had been expecting him to say "thank you" instead.

" _You sure?_ " Olivia asked, trying again. When Dickie shook his head, she laid the sandwich on Elliot's desk, hoping Dickie would change his mind and then she walked away. She knew he probably hadn't eaten all day.

" _You happy now?_ " Dickie asked Elliot.

" _I'm thrilled._ " He replied sarcastically. " _What's your problem?_ " Elliot asked.

" _You think Shane talked me into doing drugs…_ " He whispered lowly.

" _Did he?_ " Elliot questioned.

" _Hell no, but you don't believe me._ " Dickie shot back.

Olivia sat down at her desk across from Elliot's. She was close to them. Of course, she could hear everything going on but she chose to ignore it and tried to act like she was busy, not wanting Dickie to feel uncomfortable or like she was eaves dropping.

Elliot tried to reason with Dickie, telling him that none of that mattered because Shane was missing and they'd try to find him. He asked Dickie if he knew anyone else that Shane talked to regularly but Dickie brushed him off.

" _Spare me… I know you don't care about Shane._ " Dickie told his father forcefully.

" _Do you know who I am?_ " Elliot asked and Olivia's ears perked up. " _I'm your father, not your friend._ "

" _That's exactly why I didn't come to you when he went missing._ " Dickie stated. He was pissed at his dad and it showed.

Elliot took a deep breath.

" _My job is to worry about you twenty-four seven. To worry about your safety and where you're at and who you're with. Whether you like it or not, that means it's my job to know who you hang out with._ " Elliot told him forcefully.

Olivia could tell this was going to end badly. She could practically feel the anger rising in Elliot.

Dickie leaned in real close to Elliot's face. " _You don't get to choose my friends or tell me what to do. I'm done listening to you._ " Dickie's eyes were filled with anger and hate. There were in dangerous territory now.

Elliot cocked his head sideways, as if maybe he'd heard his son wrong.

" _Have… Have you lost your mind?_ " He asked Dickie in a whisper.

Dickie narrowed his eyes. " _Well I'm not the first Stabler to do that, now am I?_ " He shot at his father.

Elliot was up out of his chair faster than Olivia could process. He had Dickie in his clutches and pinned against the wall.

Olivia jumped up as soon as she realized what was taking place and she was thankful they were the only ones in the squad room.

" _Elliot, let him go!_ " She yelled at her partner but Dickie didn't look phased. It was almost as if he had been expecting it to happen.

Then Kathy rushed in.

" _Elliot! Hey, hey…_ " The blonde instantly wrapped a protective arm around her son, as if to shield him from Elliot's wrath. Elliot let up instantly, smoothing out Dickie's shirt from where he'd just latched onto his son.

Kathy looked between the two males and then her eyes located Olivia, whom she could tell had jumped up to stop the altercation.

" _Okay, okay… I'm taking him home…_ " Kathy told Elliot, then looked to Olivia to make sure it was actually okay that she took him home and that he didn't have to stay to be interviewed or answer any more questions.

When Olivia nodded, Kathy held Dickie tighter and walked him out of the room.

Elliot took a deep breath and glanced at Olivia before heading up the stairs to the bunks.

Olivia sighed as she waited a beat before following him.

When she arrived upstairs, she entered the room and locked the door behind her. Elliot was standing on the other end of the room by the last set of bunk beds. He was pacing the room. His anger was radiating off him.

She walked up to him and he wasn't surprised that she'd followed him.

" _I've never hit my kids, Liv. I swear to god I've never touched them…_ " Elliot told her frantically.

" _I know._ " She whispered, standing in front of him to stop his pacing.

" _Kathy's pissed… I'll be sleeping on the couch for weeks… Shane's probably dead in an alley somewhere… Dickie hates me, and I mean literally hates me…_ " Elliot told her. " _Did you hear him out there? What he said?_ " Elliot scoffed. " _He's full of hatred._ "

Olivia gave him a sad smile. " _He'll come around… he's just being a teenager. Kathleen hated you too, remember?_ "

" _No, this is different…_ " He told her. " _Kathleen got in trouble with the law… now Dickie… god what am I doing wrong?_ "

" _You have to calm down, El._ " Olivia told him.

" _I'm so angry. I'm so mad at myself, at my kid, at Shane, at everything…_ " He let out a huff and Olivia could see tears in his eyes. " _I'm becoming my father… cheating on my wife… hitting my kids, my daughter is bipolar… I'm never home and I'm a cop just like him…_ " he stopped to take a breath. " _Oh, god…_ "

She walked closer to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He accepted her embrace.

" _You'll never be Joe…_ " She whispered in his ear, placing a soothing hand on the back of his head. " _I wouldn't let that happen… you know that._ " Olivia promised him.

Elliot stayed silent with his arms locked around her waist so she continued talking.

" _You've never hit your kids…_ " She told him, repeating his exact words. " _And even if you had tried to really hurt Dickie, I would have intervened, you know that…_ "

" _He expected me to hit him, Liv… Did you see him? He didn't even flinch. And Kathy, the look on her face, she just… just…_ " Elliot was at a loss for words to describe Kathy with. " _I'm gonna lose them all, Liv._ " He whispered, referring to his family.

" _Shhhh…_ " She cooed. " _Just breathe…_ " Olivia told him as she rubbed his back.

Elliot tried to breathe but he was a ball of anger and rage and sadness all rolled into one. His emotions had certainly gotten the best of him today.

Olivia pulled back so she could look him in the eye but her arms remained around his neck. " _You don't let me become Serena and I won't let you turn into Joe, remember?_ " She reminded him of the drunken pact that they'd made when he'd found her on the kitchen floor of her apartment chugging vodka one night shortly after her stint in Sealview.

She hadn't been able to deal with her sexual assault and she hadn't been able to tell him about it either. All he knew was that she hadn't been raped. That's all she could tell him and he'd held her tightly that night, whispering promises to her of how he'd make sure her apartment was clear of all vodka after she went to bed, that he'd make sure she didn't fall down the same rabbit hole as her mother had.

After a few seconds of still holding onto Elliot, she released him and reached to grab the mini garbage can by the wall. She sat it between them on the floor and Elliot looked at her.

" _No… you're not doing this._ " He told her firmly.

" _If you get any angrier or take on any more stress, you're gonna explode and be unmanageable… even for me to deal with…_ " Olivia said as she reached for his belt buckle.

Elliot cleared his throat.

" _You don't have to do this…_ " He whispered to her.

She ignored him and pushed his pants and boxers down to his knees, then took his already semi-hard member in her hands, massaging him until he was fully hardened.

" _You need the release,_ " she told him as she looked into his eyes. They were filled with fire. " _And I'm going to give it to you…_ "

Olivia had only done this a handful of times since they'd slept together years ago. It was always when something dyer had happened or when something was wrong, in which both cases would end up with him needing stress relief or a break or just the release.

They leaned forward at the same time, putting their foreheads together as he enjoyed her touch.

" _Don't kiss me…_ " She reminded him, just in case he'd forgotten her same request from the few previous times that she'd done this.

Her hand moved up and down his member at a steady pace as her other hand caressed his ball sack.

" _Fuck, that's good…_ " He whispered as he closed his eyes. Their foreheads were still pressed together as she looked down as what she was doing. He grabbed onto her waist to steady himself.

" _How long's it been?_ " She asked him quietly as she worked.

When he didn't answer, she squeezed him and he grunted, bucking his hips into her hand.

" _Too long…_ " He replied.

" _You having more trouble at home?_ " She asked.

" _I don't really wanna talk about Kathy while you're getting me off…_ " He whispered hoarsely.

She couldn't blame him.

Olivia's hand sped up and somehow, he was able to keep his moans at a low volume. Elliot's right hand made its way up the back of Olivia's neck and grabbed a handful of her hair. It was clear he was about to cum.

" _Don't say my name when you cum,_ " she reminded him quickly, but he'd never forgotten either of her small requests since the day they first did this. Within seconds his semen was spurting out of his hard member and into the trashcan below them.

" _Fuck…_ " He said lowly as he massaged the back of her head where he'd grabbed her hair.

Olivia continued to massage him until she was sure he'd emptied all of his semen. Then she took a tissue out of her pocket, wiped his tip, and bent down to pull his boxers and pants back up. Elliot had leaned back and removed his hands from her.

Once she'd buckled his belt, she walked over to one of the bottom bunk beds and took a seat.

Elliot took a beat to compose himself, then put the trashcan back from where she'd gotten it and sat down beside her.

He took a deep breath.

" _I never want you to feel obligated to do that…_ " Elliot told her silently, placing his hand on her knee.

" _I never do. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to, El. You know that._ " She told him with knowing eyes.

He pressed his lips together tightly and glanced around the room before looking back to her. " _You want me to umm…_ " He asked gently.

" _No._ " She answered with a small smile. Even though she'd gotten him off those few rare times, he'd never gotten her off. It wasn't because he didn't want to, but because she didn't let him.

" _A sin's a sin._ " Elliot told her. " _Whether you get me off, I get you off, or we fuck… it's still cheating on my marriage…_ " He told her gently.

" _I'm aware…_ " Olivia replied.

" _Is that what's bothering you?_ " Elliot asked tenderly, reaching over with his left hand to rub her back.

Olivia leaned into him and he wrapped his arm around her, hugging her tightly.

" _No…_ " She replied. " _I became the other woman the minute we kissed and fucked years ago… I'll own up to that._ "

Elliot huffed and kiss the top of her head as she leaned into his shoulder. He hated that she kept thinking of herself as "the other woman" because that sure wasn't how he saw it. They weren't having a full-blown affair. She got him off once in a blue moon and that was it.

" _Then what's wrong?_ " he asked.

Olivia shook her head, indicating that she wasn't gonna talk about it. He had no choice but to hug her with both arms, comforting her the best he could.

After a few minutes, Olivia pulled back and he released his hold on her. She got up to head back down stairs and in a few minutes, he would follow her.

…

Shane's body was found shortly after Cragen was suspended for Elliot's actions. At the scene, Olivia told Alex Cabot that she'd put in a request for a new A.D.A. which had surprised Elliot. Sure, he and Alex had butted heads over this case but she was a good A.D.A.

Alex had dropped the charges against their rapist in their other case. Olivia took that as Alex putting her needs first and sacrificing their rape victim, or at least that's what Olivia had told Alex when she asked why the brunette had requested her transfer.

Elliot blamed himself for Shane's death after finding further footage of Shane at the ATM with the homeless man. He hadn't taken the time to view the footage earlier, if he had, maybe Shane would still be alive. Elliot tried to talk with Shane's mom but the woman slammed the door in his face, which was no surprise.

Dickie had stayed out all night, refusing Elliot's calls and after a while, he'd realized Elliot was using his mom's cell just so Dickie would answer the calls and he ignored those too.

Once Dickie came home the next morning, he begged Elliot to sign consent papers for him to enter the army early. He wanted out of the house and away from Elliot.

Of course, Elliot refused. He grabbed Dickie and held him tightly.

" _I'm not gonna do it… You can hate me all you want but you're my son. I love you and I'm not gonna do it…_ " Elliot whispered to Dickie as he held him against his chest forcefully. " _You're my son,_ " He repeated with his voice laced with tears.

It didn't matter though, Dickie still hated him and refused to talk to him.

Kathy was equally pissed. He was told to sleep on the couch or go elsewhere, that she didn't want him in her bed at least for a few nights. Elliot had nodding in understanding. He couldn't blame her. She'd witnessed him basically roughing up their own kid. He hated himself for it too.

…

When Elliot arrived at Olivia's door, it was almost midnight. He raised his hand to knock but didn't get the chance because the door opened quickly and out walked Alex Cabot with her hair slightly messy and the top two buttons of her work shirt undone.

She stopped briefly when she saw Elliot, looking him over before continuing her walk to the elevator.

Olivia stood in her doorway looking at him.

" _Kathy kick you out?_ " She asked, moving back so he could walk in past her.

Elliot made a 'B' line for her fridge, grabbing himself a beer.

" _She told me to sleep on the couch or go elsewhere… I chose elsewhere…_ " He told her as he popped open his beer and leaned his backside against her counter.

" _I don't know that my couch is much comfier than yours…_ " she told him as she got herself a beer as well.

Elliot looked down and took a sip of his beer. " _How long you been fucking Cabot?_ " He asked, looking into her eyes to see if she'd lie to him and try to deny it.

She opened her beer and took a long swig before walking to her couch. " _Doesn't matter…_ " she replied as calmly as she could.

" _It does to me…_ " Elliot told her, joining her on the couch.

" _Why?_ " Olivia asked, cocking an eyebrow. " _You jealous?_ " She responded, trying to make light of the situation despite being caught red handed when Alex exited her apartment.

He smiled at her response.

Olivia huffed. " _Am I about to get the 'women sleeping with women is a sin and you're going to hell' speech?_ " she questioned, looking at him. Elliot could see fear in her eyes even though he knew she was trying to hide it.

" _No._ " he answered seriously, propping his arm on the couch behind her, trying to give her comfort. " _God, no… I'd never say anything like that to you… besides, all sins are equal. I cheat on Kathy and I'm pretty sure Dickie and Shane were more than just friends…._ " He confessed.

" _He still not talking to you?_ " Olivia asked, leaning back against her couch so she could feel his arm behind her.

" _It's gonna be rough with him for a while…_ " Elliot told her, downing more of his beer. " _His best friend and possibly his lover was just murdered… probably because of me… had I looked at the tape sooner, I might could have prevented it…_ "

Olivia scooted over so she could rest her head on his right shoulder, while his right hand wrapped around her shoulders. She was holding her beer in her lap with both hands and he had leaned forward to set his on her coffee table.

" _The key word there is 'might', Elliot._ " She told him lightly. " _So much has happened today… don't blame yourself for Shane's murder too…_ " She whispered, taking one hand and rubbing it on his thigh in comfort.

His privates tingled from her touch but he did his best to ignore it, knowing that wasn't the response she was trying to get out of him.

" _I'm trying like hell not to, but it's hard…_ " He whispered to her.

Olivia nodded, also taking a sip of her beer and they sat in silence for a bit. She felt bad for Elliot. She knew he loved his kids and would move heaven and Earth for them. He and Kathy still had fights even after getting back together for Eli's sake. It was all a big mess. Sure, she wanted marriage and kids one day but sometimes with the things that she saw Elliot go through, it made her momentarily happy she was not wed and was childless.

" _You and Cabot just got done fucking, didn't you?_ " Elliot asked Olivia.

When she remained silent, he got his answer.

" _Was it good?_ " He asked, smiling and trying to lighten the mood.

Olivia gave him a small smile, looking up at him. " _You trying to live vicariously through me since you don't get any at home anymore?_ " She joked with him.

He smiled back.

" _Seriously, were you two serious?_ " He asked her. The smile left Olivia's face. She leaned forward to place her beer on the coffee table with his.

" _I don't love her if that's what you're asking._ " She responded, laying her head back on his shoulder. " _We were casual… She scratched an itch for me that I wouldn't allow you scratch…_ " Olivia replied. " _I was getting more attached than I originally expected I would but… I cared for her in a way… her feelings were stronger for me though…_ "

" _Can you blame her?_ " He whispered, kissing the top of Olivia's head.

" _Where does Kathy think you are?_ " Olivia shot at him.

She did this sometimes when their feelings were coming to close to the surface. She'd throw him off his game by mentioning Kathy or the kids, or something random that he wouldn't be expecting.

He swallowed, taking in her warning. " _I don't know… she locked herself in our room. For all I know, she thinks I'm lying on the couch…_ " Elliot stated. " _She's pissed and not talking to me… she won't ask where I am._ "

Olivia nodded, accepting his answer. She honestly didn't care where Kathy thought he was. She had just needed to bring him back to Earth and away from talking about his feelings for her that she knew he harbored.

" _How long?_ " Elliot asked her, referring to her relationship with Alex cabot.

" _On and off for the past two years since she officially came back from witness protection give or take a couple of months…_ " Olivia answered honestly, looking down.

Elliot tilted his head as he looked at her but she wouldn't look up to meet his eyes. " _You didn't have to hide this from me… you know that, right?_ "

Olivia glanced up and gave him a small smile that didn't reach her eyes. " _I like keeping some things personal…_ " She told him.

" _I just want you to know you don't have to hide boyfriends from me… or girlfriends…_ " He added.

Olivia rolled her eyes.

Elliot shrugged his shoulders.

" _Anyways, it's over now._ " Olivia replied, snuggling closer into his shoulder.

His eyebrows shot up. " _You said you two just fucked before I got here…_ " Elliot stated, clearly confused. He'd seen Alex's ruffled hair and slightly unbuttoned shirt. She looked like she'd been freshly fucked.

" _Yeah, and it was the last time…_ " She replied, rubbing a hand down her tired face.

" _It was a goodbye fuck?_ " Elliot asked.

" _Yep… I was serious about putting in that transfer. She doesn't even know if she'll get to keep her license but even if she does and did continue to work with us, I can't be with her again._ " Olivia confessed.

" _Why not?_ " Elliot asked, his eyes twinkling.

" _Sacrificing a rape victim and dropping the charges for her own selfish reasons? Not attractive…_ " Olivia told him, giving him a look.

" _Welp… I call the bed…_ " He said, smiling at her.

Olivia rolled her eyes once more. " _You can't do that when I own it…_ " She replied slyly.

Elliot got up and headed to her room.

" _El…_ " She called after him hesitantly.

Olivia had been serious after the first and only time they'd fucked, when she'd told him it wouldn't happen again. At least not while he still wore his ring but she'd never confess that to him for fear of him leaving his wife for her.

He turned around and put his hands up in surrender.

" _I only want to sleep._ " He promised her. " _Maybe a little cuddling but that's it…_ " He promised her. " _You were real down today and today was rough as hell on me… you know you could use the extra comfort._ "

Olivia sighed. She knew he was right.

" _Okay,_ " she replied. " _Maybe a little cuddling but that's it…_ " Olivia told him sternly.

He nodded as they entered her room.

" _Cuddling only, I swear._ " He promised her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Y'all I had to sit down and go through all the episodes of SVU on Hulu to make a legit timeline for this story so I wouldn't screw it up. A lot of people liked the one-shot so I turned it into a two-shot.**

 **I know, I know… I need to work on my other stories but I'm still trying to figure out where I want to take them and this one came so easily for me…**

 **Please review.**

When they got to the bedroom, Olivia decided to remain in her black tank top and gray sweat pants. Normally, she'd change into a large t-shirt and strip down to her panties but she wasn't going to do that if she was sharing a bed with Elliot.

He stripped himself of his shoes, socks, and jeans, leaving his boxers on. When he took his shirt off, Olivia was relieved to see he'd been wearing a white tank top on up under it. But when he began to take that off, she stopped him.

" _Leave it on,_ " she told him. Her voice was even and demanding, it was almost a warning.

Elliot nodded his head and complied to her request. He pulled back the covers and got on the right side of the bed, then Olivia joined him, getting in on the left.

The dim light from her lamp on her bed side stand was still on and that's how she left it.

Olivia buried herself under her covers and turned on her left side, facing away from Elliot. She was going to try to go to sleep but she didn't know if she'd be able to accomplish it. Too much had happened over the past two days. Elliot had been through way more than her but it was still all at the forefront of her mind.

Elliot was laying on his back with his hands propped behind his head. There was plenty of space between them and he was deep in thought. His mind was swimming with thoughts and memories of his children and his wife, even a few thoughts of Olivia had been thrown into the mix, not that he could control what was in his head right now anyways.

Olivia had gotten him off just a day and a half ago. It was a rare occasion but one that he had greatly enjoyed.

He could still remember the first time she'd gotten him off after they'd had sex. And while she'd never let him do the same for her, there had been a couple of occasions that she'd gotten herself off as well.

…

 **Flashback:**

The first time she'd made him come after their first intimate encounter, she'd been on her knees. It'd happened almost a year after they'd slept together.

They'd had a hard case and it was only her second case since she'd been back from Oregon. A dying man by the name of Jud Tierney had decided to confess his crimes since he was set to die soon of lung cancer. Tierney had sent his daughter and grandkids a birthday card each year with a hundred-dollar bill in each card but his daughter had never opened a single one.

At first, they'd thought Tierney had molested his daughter and was trying to buy her forgiveness but they later found out that she was his adopted daughter, he'd saved her from being burned to alive as a baby. Tierney was a murderer and a bank robber, but apparently, he drew the line when it came to kids.

By the time his daughter found out the whole story, she'd reached his room too late and her father had passed. She had never been able to say goodbye or tell him she forgave him.

Olivia was alright, the case was hard but she could deal. Elliot was having a bit more of a problem. Being separated from his wife was difficult but the fact that Kathy had sent him divorce papers a few months ago was hitting him hard. He didn't want to sign them, he couldn't, it meant that he'd lose his kids.

Right before this case happened, the twins had had their church ceremony where they got to be baptized and choose the name of their saint to watch over them.

Kathy and Elliot had been fine at the ceremony, more than fine, which had given him hope that they could work things out but Maureen had planted herself between her parents on the church pew and Kathleen flat out refused to speak to him.

Then the case happened and he did what he shouldn't have, he let it get to him and he saw his kids in the place of Tierney's daughter. All of his children hated him at the time but Dickie and it was probably just because he was a boy.

After Tierney had died, Elliot had walked Olivia home to her apartment. Something he hadn't done since she'd been back from Oregon. She'd known he was looking at the case from a personal perspective. Olivia could also tell he'd been having sleepless nights in his apartment that he was forced to call home.

So, when she invited him into her apartment that night, she'd been planning to give him a release, only he hadn't known it.

" _Beer's in the fridge_ " she told him once they were in her home and her front door was shut.

He'd gone to retrieve the offered beer and she'd gone to change into black sweat pants and a t-shirt.

When she came back, he was standing in front of her living room window, looking out at the city.

" _It bothers me… that she didn't get to say goodbye or tell him that she understood…_ " Elliot told Olivia when he heard her enter the room. " _She hated him almost her whole life… like my kids hate me…_ " he trailed off, taking a sip of his beer.

" _They'll come around…_ " Olivia promised him as she came to stand beside him at her window.

" _This divorce is killing me… it's killing them…_ " Elliot responded, sounding defeated. He was so full of stress and anxiety that what should have been a relatively simple case for them, he'd turned into one of their worst.

" _Everything's fucked up right now… I'm just fucked up right now…_ " He told her in an honest huff.

Olivia looked at him, wondering when he'd started to refer to his separation as a divorce. That was a new development for him. She was aware he'd been served divorce papers. He'd been served them months before they'd slept together but he and Kathy had tried to reconcile.

Elliot had ripped up the divorce papers when he and Kathy started counseling but with the way he was talking now, it sounded like he'd been served again.

" _You can't kiss me…_ " Olivia told him quietly and he turned his head to his left, looking at her with confusion.

" _I wasn't gonna,_ " he'd replied confused, his accent thick. He sat his beer in the window seal and looked at her.

" _And you can't say my name when you come…_ " She'd told him, then instantly dropped to her knees in front of him.

Elliot narrowed his eyes at her. Yeah, they'd slept together months ago, but this was still new territory for him and she'd been very clear about them not having sex again.

" _What are you doing?_ " He asked in one quick breath even though he knew what she had planned because now she was grabbing his belt and unbuckling it.

Olivia remained silent as she moved on to the task of unbuttoning his jeans.

Elliot grabbed her wrists quickly, one in each hand, stopping her movements.

" _You don't have to do this… I know I'm a mess and I'm stressed but… this isn't your job…_ " He'd told her, trying to get her to stop but he was weak and he'd dreamed of seeing Olivia Benson on her knees in front of him before. It wouldn't take much for her to persuade him to comply and that's exactly what she'd done.

" _When was the last time you slept?_ " She asked him softly and his grips around her wrists tightened slightly. Olivia looked up from her position on her knees and met his eyes. " _When was the last time you felt good or even content, like the weight of the world wasn't on your shoulders?_ " Olivia continued.

Elliot declined to answer her questions.

" _Exactly…_ " she stated and he dropped her wrists and began gazing out the window again.

He huffed. " _You don't have to do this._ " He told her again in a whisper with an uncertain face, not looking at her.

" _I want to…_ " She replied as she pulled his jeans down along with his boxers. He was already semi-hard. He'd been that way ever since she dropped to her knees in front of him. What man wouldn't?

Olivia took him in her hand and massaged him up and down, fondling his balls as she worked.

He closed his eyes and leaned forward, bracing himself with both hands on the window seal.

" _Mmhmmm…_." He let out a low moan as he rocked into her hand. She could tell it'd been a long time for him.

" _Remember my rules…_ " She told him lightly.

Olivia didn't know why she didn't want him to moan her name or kiss her. Maybe it was easier for her, maybe it helped her distance herself from the fact that she was on her knees in front of a married man who happened to also be her partner.

She'd been away from him for so long. Sure the computer crimes transfer was volunteer. They'd been too close and had slept together, but the undercover stint with Dana Lewis was not her choice. It's something the FBI had pushed her into and they'd threatened to give Cragen hell if she didn't go.

When she'd gotten back, Elliot had looked older and like he'd aged. She was only gone a few months but she could tell some shit had gone down. On top of that, she knew about Dani Beck. They hadn't talked about her much and Olivia wasn't sure she even wanted to know more.

From the moment Olivia had gotten back from undercover, she'd wanted to do this, she'd wanted him in her mouth. He clearly needed it and more but she wasn't going to give him more. They weren't sleeping together again.

Just giving him head was wrong… he was still legally married even if he had divorce papers in his possession. She didn't think he'd ever sign them though. But for now, she had her two rules of no kissing and no saying her name.

It wasn't long before he began rocking his hips into her hand. His eyes were closed and Olivia half wondered if it was because he was trying to imagine Kathy on the floor in front of him instead of her but Olivia thought about it for a second and realized that she knew better than to wonder that.

They'd admitted there were feelings between them when they'd been too close months ago. He was enjoying her touch right now, not Kathy's.

Olivia leaned forward, her tongue made contact with his ball sack and she licked, lapped, and sucked at his skin. She heard his sudden breath intake and she now wondered if Kathy had ever given him a blow job. She didn't seem like the type but then again, anything was possible.

" _Jesus Christ…_ " Elliot moaned as Olivia licked from the base of his dick to the tip and began to take his length into her mouth.

She bobbed her head up and down a few times and then let him go with a sucking sound. She began to lick up and down his dick as if it was a popsicle stick on a hot summer day.

" _Fuuuuck…_ " He hissed at her and popped his eyes open to watch her work. " _Am I… Can I touch you? Am I allowed to touch you?_ " He asked, almost scared of her rejection.

Olivia's eyes were filled with fire and she remained silent, still working on his manhood but she took his right hand from the window seal and placed it on the back of her head, giving him the green light as she took him in her mouth once more.

Her movements were fast and he gently gripped her hair to thrust into her mouth careful not to hurt her and not going too deep. He let her control the pace and how deep he truly went in her mouth.

" _Ummm…_ " he moaned, having to bit his lip so her name wouldn't slip out, afraid that if it did, she'd stop.

After a few more minutes, he was ready to blow. Elliot removed his hand from her head and placed it on the window seal and stopped his hips from thrusting even though he was still in her mouth.

" _Okay, you gotta stop… I won't last much longer…_ " He warned her and she took him by surprise as she wrapped her arms around his waist, grabbing his ass, and forcing him deeper into her mouth.

If Olivia Benson had any gag reflexes, there were currently not present.

" _Ohhh…_." He moaned and his head lolled back in ecstasy once he realized she was set on him cumming in her mouth.

She looked at him with hooded eyes as she began to deep throat him. It only took two, maybe three times and he was cumming down the back of her throat.

Elliot's face scrunched up and his knuckles turned white as he gripped the window seal as tightly as possible.

" _FuckFuckFuck!_ " He said loudly and groaned through clenched teeth as his sperm filled her.

Olivia waited until she was sure he was done spurting sperm before she released him from her mouth. Then she licked his tip clean of the left over residue and planted a small kiss on the tip of his penis. She'd only given head a handful of times but she'd found each time they'd liked it when she'd done this.

She pulled his boxers and pants up for him once she was standing again. He seemed to be trying to get his bearings back still.

She left his pants and belt undone though, he could do that.

Elliot wiped a hand down his face.

" _Jesus, fuck, how are you single?_ " He asked her in disbelief and she rolled her eyes at his remark but kept a small smile on her face.

" _Can I… Do you want me to…?_ " Elliot was trying to ask if she wanted him to get her off. Her face was flushed and her breathing was uneven. He could tell she was turned on and she'd just done something amazing for him, it was only right that he returns the favor but she turned him down.

" _No,_ " she responded.

" _Are you sure?_ " He asked, looking at her face.

She walked closer to him and turned his body to face the window again. He complied, realizing she was going to do something and needed him to work with her.

" _Okay…_ " He told her, letting her know he was game for whatever she needed.

As Elliot stood looking out at the window once more, Olivia placed herself behind him, her left arm coming around his side to rest her left hand on his chest.

" _Just… stand here, okay?_ " She asked him with a whisper. Her voice was laced with arousal.

" _Yeah._ " He agreed. Elliot felt her move behind him. He was trying to figure out what she was doing and he'd felt her right elbow graze his back lightly.

It took him a few seconds to realize that she was pleasuring herself with her right hand. He'd finally concluded that while her left hand had balled into a fist gripping his shirt, her right hand was in her sweat pants going to work between her legs.

She was going to be the death of him…

" _Damn, Olivia…_ " He growled out as he made sure to keep his hands tucked into the pockets of his pants.

Olivia responded by ramming herself into his back and tightening her left arm around his chest, holding her body against his back.

" _Goddammit El…_ " She gritted out. " _I said no name calling…_ "

He smiled to himself. He could feel her pressed against him, he could feel her right arm's motions against herself.

" _You told me I couldn't say your name while you got me off…_ " He said her. " _But I'm not the one that's getting off now…_ " he replied in a whisper. He was definitely getting hard again.

He enjoyed the side of Olivia Benson.

She pressed her forehead against his shoulder and her left fist tightened as she slightly sped up the motions against her clit with her right hand.

" _Mmmm…_ " Olivia moaned into his shoulder when she hit a sensitive spot. Her eyes were closed tightly. They had been for a while now.

Elliot bit his lip. He was torn between playing with her and remaining silent while she did her thing.

" _I gotta tell ya, Olivia,_ " He said, making sure to draw out her name as he turned his head sideways to make sure she could hear him. " _This is fucking hot…_ " He whispered.

She let out a small whimper. " _Why can't you just shut up and let me work?_ " She asked him in a breathy whisper as she pumped in and out of herself.

Elliot could tell she was close. She was so close. Her movement was fast now and her breathing was giving her way. She was about to cum.

" _You're close…_ " He whispered to her and if he could see her, he'd see that her eyes were slammed shut and that her mouth was slightly open in ecstasy.

" _Yeah… I ummm… mmhmmmm…_ " She tried to respond to him but nothing coherent came out.

" _Oliviaaa…_." He hummed with a smile and that was it, he'd pushed her over the edge.

" _Mmm… Ahhh, fuck!_ " Olivia half yelled into his shoulder. She was almost angry at him. He'd made her come and he knew it, but she felt so good in that moment that she couldn't find it in herself to be angry.

She removed her hand from her sweats and wiped it on her shirt.

Elliot tried to turn around but her left arm held him in place.

" _No._ " She stated firmly when he'd tried to move. Her forehead was still planted against his shoulder.

" _You okay?_ " He was suddenly worried that he'd crossed a line, if there even was one left to cross with them.

" _Yeah, I just need a second… give me a minute…_ " She asked in a calm voice. Her eyes were still closed and she was taking in his cologne.

" _You're safe with me, Liv. You know that right?_ " He asked her. " _Whatever we do or don't do, it always stays between us no matter what. Whether I'm married or single, you will always be safe with me._ " He told her. Elliot didn't know why but he all the sudden felt the need to comfort her.

" _I know… It part of why I'm attracted to you._ " She confessed surprising him.

He stayed quiet for a couple of minutes and so did she. It was like they were waiting for something that would never come. He'd missed her when she'd been gone and if she wanted to hold onto him for a bit, he was fine with that.

" _So…_ " He said trying to break the ice. " _I didn't know you could deep throat…_ "

He felt her smack him lightly on his arm and he chuckled.

…

 **Present Day:**

Elliot smiled at the memory. It was one of his favorites. He'd been so turned on and he'd never seen her act like that before.

Then, a phone began to vibrate and ring.

Olivia sat up slowly and turned to Elliot. " _You on call?_ " She asked in confusion.

He shook his head. " _It's not mine._ "

Olivia knew it wasn't her own either, then her eyes settled on her dresser across the room. The phone belonged to Alex Cabot and it was sitting on her dresser ringing.

Olivia got up and walked to her dresser, gazing at the phone.

" _What the fuck is Trevor Langan doing calling Alex at nearly one in the morning?_ " she asked more to herself than to Elliot.

He didn't answer her but it was mostly because he knew she didn't want one.

Then the phone beeped with a text message.

Elliot sighed, knowing he needed to ask.

" _What's it say?_ " He asked Olivia.

The brunette didn't respond right away. Instead she joined him back in bed, returning to her former position of laying on her side, facing away from him.

" _He's asked her if she wants to meet a Maloney's for drinks…_ " Olivia mumbled.

Elliot removed his hands from behind his head and laced his fingers, laying his hands on his stomach.

" _It doesn't mean she cheated on you, Liv…_ " Elliot told her gently.

Olivia actually let out a low laugh. " _Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?_ " She looked at him over her shoulder with a cocked eyebrow. Olivia had slept with a married man. She had no room to be hurt if Alex had slept with someone else.

" _Besides,_ " Olivia continued. " _We were casual… she can fuck whoever she wants…_ " Her voice was laced with venom as she turned her head back away from Elliot.

After a few minutes of silence, nether one of them could drift off. Her head was now filled with swarming thoughts about Alex and random accounts of their time together. Now she wondered just how many people Alex had been with. They were casual or at least that's what Olivia kept telling herself. They'd never called each other "girlfriend" and they'd never gone on dates in public or held hands in a crowd.

Sure, they'd have a date night here or there at Olivia's apartment or Alex's condo but that was it. They'd always had sex though, always. And it had been good, or at least Olivia had thought it was good but now she was questioning whether or not she really had satisfied Alex.

Olivia was jolted out of her thoughts by her front door slamming shut. Alex was trying to announce her presence in the apartment no doubt.

Elliot jolted up quickly, he was very awake and alert but he'd left his gun and badge in Olivia's kitchen.

" _It's fine…_ " Olivia promised him. " _It's just Alex. She's probably here for her phone._ " Olivia cooed, remaining in her same position in bed.

Elliot laid back down. " _She has a key?_ "

" _We were fucking… what do you think?_ " she shot back.

" _Hmph…_ " Elliot almost pouted.

" _You have a key too so stop looking for an ego boost…_ " Olivia told him, almost rolling her eyes. Elliot was a typical man sometimes.

They heard footsteps to the bedroom door and Olivia knew Alex would enter without knocking. She always did and it'd never bothered her, even now.

Elliot was laying on his back with his hands clasped and resting on his stomach just like before, and Olivia was away from him, turned on her side.

Alex opened the door.

" _Olivia, I came to get my-_ " Alex stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the scene in front of her. She gazed at Elliot who continued to stare at the ceiling because he didn't know what else to do and Olivia rolled her eyes at the intrusion even though she'd known it was coming.

" _Your phone is on the dresser…_ " Olivia told her.

" _How long have you been sleeping with your partner?_ " Alex threw at her, as she stalked over grabbing her phone.

Olivia sat up and got out of bed with her hands on her hips. If Alex wanted a fight, then she was going to get one.

" _You know good and well I'm not fucking Elliot…_ " Olivia threw at the blonde fiercely. " _I never have and I never will. Take your phone and leave._ "

Elliot stayed quiet and he was glad Alex hadn't been looking at him because if she had, she would have seen him wince at Olivia's lie. He was so dumbfounded as how it could roll off her tongue so easily. He wondered if she lied about other things too and how often.

Alex shrugged her shoulder. " _He's in your bed._ "

Olivia scoffed, crossing her arms in front of her. " _His wife kicked him out temporarily after the shit that went down yesterday and he came here. The cribs aren't that comfy and I wasn't going to be an asshole friend and make him sleep on my lumpy couch…_ " Olivia told her with confidence. " _And that's a low blow, Alex… even for you. We were going to sleep, thanks for the intrusion by the way._ "

Alex had fire in her eyes, almost like she was jealous.

" _Did you fuck him right after you fucked me?_ " The blonde asked in a low voice, determined not to quit, which nearly knocked Olivia off her feet but she didn't let it show.

Elliot's head snapped towards the two women, he needed to watch this play out.

Olivia walked quickly to Alex, getting in her face. The A.D.A started backing up until her back hit the wall beside the door and she had nowhere else to go. Olivia braced herself by placing her hands on the wall, one on each side of Alex's head. Olivia got directly in Alex's face. She let her eyes glance at Alex's lips before looking back up into the crystal blue eyes that resembled Elliot's a bit.

They were so close their noses were almost touching.

" _And was Langan a good fuck?_ " Olivia whispered so lowly that Elliot almost couldn't hear it. This was a side of Olivia he'd never seen before and he was intrigued. He also wondered if Alex counted this as Olivia admitted that she and Elliot had fucked, but he didn't think so.

" _No…_ " Alex whispered back, bracing herself on the wall.

Something inside Olivia broke. She had expected Alex to at least try to deny it and part of her thought she'd been being irrational, that Alex had only been sleeping with her but this news only fueled Olivia more.

" _Did I not give you everything you needed?_ " Olivia whispered as her anger turned into seduction. Her brown hair fell around her face making her all that much sexier.

" _You did…_ " Alex whispered in reply.

And then Olivia kissed her. Both women closed their eyes and Olivia braced her forearms on the wall so she could press herself up against the blonde.

Elliot was still trying to process what was happening. He wasn't sure if he should leave but he couldn't get up because he had no pants on. Alex would see that he only had boxers on and then all hell would break loose again.

The heated kiss turned into a tiny make-out session and Elliot couldn't believe his eyes. His partner and A.D.A. were making-out against the wall, neither one paying him any mind. He felt himself becoming hard, he couldn't help it.

Olivia was the first to pull back from the kiss but she stayed in Alex's face.

" _Give me my key._ " The brunette requested firmly.

Alex complied immediately, looking down and taking the key to Olivia's apartment off her key ring. Olivia grabbed it with her right hand and threw it at her dresser, not caring if it bounced on the floor, and it did.

" _Now take your phone,_ " Olivia stated in a dangerously low tone, " _And get the fuck out of my apartment. You're not welcome here anymore._ "

Olivia leaned back and let Alex make her exit. The blonde didn't bother looking at Elliot or telling him goodbye. The brunette waited until she heard her front door shut before she pushed herself off the wall and crawled into bed with Elliot.

Elliot had turned on his left side. He was prepared to talk to Olivia because he didn't think she was okay, even if she would try to tell him she was. But much to his surprise, she curled right up to him.

She slipped her left hand around his waist, put her head in the dent between his left shoulder and head, and she shoved her left leg between his legs.

" _Alright, okay…_ " Elliot soothed, leaning down slightly and bringing the comforter up to cover them both in their embrace.

He heard Olivia sniffle. He knew she must be getting emotional, which was a rare thing for Olivia Benson.

" _You didn't love her, huh?_ " He asked, half joking but half serious.

" _I didn't…_ " Olivia mumbled into his shoulder. " _But I could have… god, I could have._ " This was hard for her. She hadn't been in a relationship in a long time and she didn't even count her and Alex as a relationship, not a real one anyways. " _I wanted to… I wanted to finally love someone other than…_ " She stopped abruptly, not wanting to finish her statement. She was going to say she wanted to love someone other than him, other than Elliot Stabler, the married man that wasn't supposed to be occupying her bed.

" _You can say it if you want… if it'll make you feel better…_ " He told her as he wrapped his arms around her waist. He knew she loved him and he loved her back. Things were just complicated. " _If you say it…_ " Elliot whispered lowly, " _I'd say it back, you know that._ "

They shared a bond like no other. The problem was, they put the kids first, always. Elliot, Olivia, and Kathy all put the Stabler kids first. None of the adults were truly happy with the way things were at the moment, but there was a little boy now, Eli, who needed his father. And while Kathy still didn't know about the things Elliot and Olivia did, she still would have probably let him stay at home for the kids' sake.

" _NO…_ " Olivia said quickly and loudly. " _We aren't going there…_ " she warned him.

" _Okay._ " He agreed, leaving it alone.

Olivia shifted, trying to snuggle closer to him but her leg brushed against his hard on. She couldn't really be surprised. He'd just watched two sexy women, a blonde and a brunette, make out against a wall in front of him. Could she really expect him not to react?

" _I guess we gave you quite a show?_ " She stated, moving her leg up and down, teasing him. Really, she was trying to change the topic. She didn't want to talk about feelings or any of that bullshit anymore.

Elliot chuckled. " _You're gonna get another show if you don't stop… and you just might be part of the act…_ " He told her seductively and seriously.

Olivia surprised him by rocking her hips into his and that earned her a groan from him as he shut his eyes, grabbing her hips and making her be still.

" _You said we couldn't sleep together again…_ " He stated, opening his eyes and searching for hers as she pulled her face out of his neck and placed her head on the pillow beside them.

" _And that still stands._ " She told him. " _I got you off yesterday and it was because you needed it, not for pleasure._ " Olivia explained. " _I've never gotten you off just for pleasure, but if you need to get off now, you can and I'll talk you through it…_ " She told him.

Elliot rolled his eyes. " _Thanks, but I don't need a play by play, Liv… I know how to jerk off._ "

" _That's not what I meant, El…_ " She whispered seductively as she leaned in to kiss his neck. After her make-out session with Alex, she was turned on too, but she wouldn't fuck him.

He pulled away from her, he needed to see her face again.

" _You're seriously giving me the green light to get off? Right now, here?_ " He questioned with curiosity but his eyes were filled with lust.

Olivia nodded, giving him a small smile. " _Same rules apply… No kissing me, no saying my name._ " She reminded him.

" _And what are you going to do?_ " He asked, partially hoping that she'd join him and get herself off. The first time he'd experienced her pleasuring herself, it had been sexy as hell.

" _I was thinking I'd just talk…_ "

" _Talk about what?_ " He asked but his hand was already in his boxers. He'd snuck it down there moments ago.

" _Me and Alex?_ " Olivia questioned. " _Guys find that sexy right? And It's what got you aroused in the first place so…_ " She would normally have rules against this. He didn't get off with her unless he needed it, unless he'd been too stressed, angry, or something had happened but his hard on was currently her fault and she felt bad for getting him hot and bothered.

He didn't waste any time kicking back the covers and taking his boxers off and throwing them on the floor behind him. Olivia replaced her leg in between his.

Elliot was already fisting his dick.

" _This won't take long._ " He told her. " _You won't have to say much._ "

Olivia nodded and linked her arms around his neck, pulling herself closer to him. " _When you come, do it on my sweat pants. Don't worry about them, I'll take them off after._ " She told him and he nodded.

" _My favorite place to fuck her was on her desk in her office…_ " Olivia's voice was low and sexy, it made his dick twitch. He could just picture the two women going at it in Alex's office.

" _Late one night in her office, her door was locked and I pushed her down on her desk. She pulled her skirt up and to my surprise, she hadn't been wearing any underwear all day… just for me…_ "

" _Goddammit…_ " Elliot hissed as his hand sped up and he grunted as he visualized Olivia's story in his head.

" _I placed her feet on the desk and spread her legs, opening her up to me… she was glistening like she'd been waiting for it all day… I bent down and ran my tongue over her clit. She tasted amazing and let out this low moan that I'll never forget…_ " Olivia continued.

Elliot grunted again and she could tell he was close.

" _I covered her slit with my mouth and she locked her legs behind my shoulders. My tongue darted in and out of her body as her hips moved against my face… it was one of the best things that I've ever tasted…_ "

" _Shit…_ " Elliot scrunched up his face tightly as he came. " _Shit…UGH…_ " He spilled his seed onto Olivia's leg and lap. Olivia smiled to herself. What they were doing was wrong, she knew that, but at the same time, she was pleased that she could make him cum like this.

She gave him a minute to catch his breath and he gently kissed her on the head, then wiped his dick off once more on her sweatpants.

Olivia moved off the bed, careful to not get semen on her sheets or comforter. She stripped out of her sweats and turned them inside out to contain the mess, then threw them across the room into her dirty clothes ben. This left her in her black tank top and black bikini fitted panties. Olivia was honestly too tired to care so she got back in bed.

She was apparently full of surprises tonight because she resumed her position of holding Elliot close and stuffing one leg between his two legs, resulting in his now limp penis being pressed firmly against her naked thigh.

" _Liv…_ " He questioned.

" _Just don't think about it…_ " She replied and grabbed the comforter to pull back over them.

" _You're breaking a lot of your own rules tonight, you know?_ " He told her. Elliot was partially worried for the reasoning behind this.

" _I'm aware._ "

" _Well… Do you want me to… You know…_ " He asked her, wondering if she wanted him to get her off, if that was going to be a rule that she'd break too. He'd do it if she asked him to.

" _No._ " Was her reply as she snuggled into his shoulder. " _I was just fucked before you got here, remember?"_

Elliot nodded his head, choosing not to verbally reply. He didn't need more images of the two women together, he'd end up getting hard again.

After laying there a few minutes, Elliot made the decision to get up and slide his boxers back on. It made him more comfortable, but he mostly did it for Olivia's sake.

" _You didn't have to…_ " She told him as she watched his boxers slide over his ass and into place.

He smiled at her and cocked his head to the side. " _I did._ " He replied, giving her a knowing look. Olivia gave him a thin smile.

When Elliot got back into bed, he noted that Olivia looked sad again, much like she'd looked in the bunks after she'd gotten him off.

" _You were upset yesterday because of Cabot, right?_ " He asked gently.

Instead of answering, Olivia scooted herself closer to him, hooking her left leg over his, wrapping her arm around his mid-section, and laying her head on his left shoulder. Touchy-feely Olivia Benson was rare. It meant that she had a lot on her mind, a lot of anxiety, or was really stressed.

Elliot could tell that she was deep in thought. He wished he could read her mind, he'd like to know what she was thinking, not just now but most of the time. She was so used to being a private person and putting up her walls that sometimes she completely shut herself off from everyone. He didn't even think she knew she was doing it half the time.

" _El?_ " she whispered to him in a small voice, bringing him out of his own thoughts.

" _Yeah?_ " He replied at he wrapped his right arm around her shoulders.

" _I know we don't do this often and we only do the sexual stuff once in a blue moon…_ " She told him. " _But I… I really need you to hold me tonight._ " Olivia took a deep breath and when she spoke again, he could tell her voice was laced with tears. " _I know you're here but… honestly… I've… I've never felt so alone…_ "

Emotional and vulnerable Olivia Benson scared Elliot.

He instantly backed up slightly and turned on his left side since she'd been on her right-side hugging into him. Elliot hiked her left leg higher on his thigh so he could slide his right leg further between hers. He put his right hand on her lower back, bringing her in close and he hooked his left hand behind her head as she rested against his left shoulder.

" _I'm here, Liv… and I've got you…_ " He promised her, kissing her head gently. " _You're not alone…_ " Elliot told her firmly. " _If you ever need this, if you ever need me like this just pick up the phone and call or text me, Liv…_ " He continued. " _I don't care how often or not we do the other things… I'll always be here for you like this, always._ " He told her firmly. Elliot almost started to get choked up himself. It hurt him to see her hurt.

Elliot heard a dark, watery chuckle come from Olivia.

" _Yeah… sure._ " She replied lowly. " _Go ahead and tell Kathy that you have to leave her bed because your mistress needs comfort…_ "

" _Hey,_ " Elliot said sternly and he pulled back so he was holding her away from him. He gazed into her eyes and stared at her intently. " _You don't get to talk about yourself like that…_ " He whispered in a serious manor. " _You're not just some woman I run to when my wife doesn't put out. I'm not some ego-boost seeking asshole that gets off on going back and forth fucking two different women._ " Her eyes shined with more tears and his own eyes watered as his hands gripped her shoulders tightly while he faced her. " _You're way more than that to me, you know that… Don't talk about yourself like that, Liv. I won't stand for it._ "

She sniffled as her left hand made its way up his chest to grip his right shoulder tightly. After a few seconds, she broke eye contact with him after nodding, letting him know that she'd heard what he'd said and had taken it all in, then she resumed her position of laying in the crook of his neck.

" _And just so you know… Kathy and I haven't been intimate for a few months now…_ " He confessed but she'd figured as much. Otherwise, he wouldn't have come so easily these past couple of times she'd witnessed him getting off, so she chose to remain quite upon his admission even though it was a small comfort to her.

He could feel her tears on his shoulder and it was odd because after everything that had happened the past two days, this should have been him crying, not her. He was the one who'd almost lost a son and whose kids and wife currently hated him. He had been the one to lose his temper with his family, his son, and almost doing the unthinkable but for some odd reason, he was holding himself together while the woman in his arms was falling apart at the seams.

Olivia was shaking slightly and he was trying his best to comfort her. She nuzzled herself further into his chest and his heart ached.

" _Is there anything else bothering you?_ " He asked carefully, wondering if this was all truly stemming from her fallout with Alex. " _Anything you need to talk about?_ " He tried. Elliot was almost worried that she was upset because of what they did, because of what they'd become. He was scared the sins they were committing were weighing on her shoulders.

" _No…_ " Olivia said quietly. " _It's just… Alex was the first person I was with after Sealview happened… she's the only other person I've done things with sexually since then aside from you…_ " She continued.

Elliot swallowed hard.

" _Does she know about Sealview?_ " He asked, wondering if Olivia had shared more information with Alex than she'd shared with him.

" _No… she doesn't even know I was sexually assaulted…_ " Olivia replied and Elliot took a deep breath.

Aside from the time that he found her on the floor in her kitchen with the vodka, they'd only talked about Sealview once. It'd been after Chester Lake had been arrested for murder, they'd lost Casey due to suspension, and Fin had put in transfer papers. Olivia had tried to go down on him because he'd been stressed as hell but she'd flashed back and he'd almost lost it.

It had been after Eli's birth because they'd stayed away from each other after Kathy became pregnant and gave birth to Eli. But in that moment, the case almost killed him. He'd been avoiding diaper duty and slept in the cribs. Olivia had come to him like the first time, dropping to her knees but she hadn't even touched him before the flashback hit.

He had reacted instantly, trying to bring her back to reality. After a few seconds, he was successful but he hadn't let her go down on him again. What had happened with her flashback was enough to tell him that something similar had happened to her in Sealview. He'd always wanted to ask her about it but he couldn't bring himself to do so yet and now still wasn't the time.

Now, they were side by side in each other's arms but he was gazing straight up at the ceiling. " _It was just easier to be with her… I think because she's a woman._ " Olivia continued. " _I trusted her…_ "

" _It's alright to hurt, Liv… dating or just casual, she meant something to you._ " He told her honestly.

Olivia was silent for a while after his statement. She was in deep thought again and once again, Elliot wished he could read her mind. He needed to know what she was thinking. Sure, he could ask her but she probably wouldn't tell him.

When Olivia finally spoke, she threw Elliot for a loop but he was quick to recover.

" _Did I hurt you?_ " Olivia asked quietly. She knew they both had feeling for each other. " _Sleeping with Alex?_ " She added as she leaned back, away from his shoulder to look into his eyes. He knew what she was doing. She was trying to read him. She wanted to know if he'd lie with whatever answer he was about to feed her.

Elliot took a deep breath.

" _What hurts is you not trusting me enough to tell me._ " He told her honestly.

Olivia huffed. " _I trust you with my life, El. Trusting you isn't an issue…_ " She stated, plopping her head back on the pillow so she could still see his face as they talked. " _It was new, I'd never been with a woman… it happened out of the blue… I trust you._ " She promised him.

He nodded his head. He kind of understood where she was coming from and maybe he was just being greedy with wanting to know about her sex life.

" _You didn't answer me…_ " Olivia whispered. " _Did I hurt you?_ "

He looked into her eyes and held her gaze. " _Nah."_ He told her with a small smile. " _Thinking of you with Cabot is every man's wet dream…_ " He chuckled as he hugged her closer. She lightly hit him on the chest.

" _I'm serious._ " She told him.

" _Oh, my poor heart…_ " Elliot faked a hurt facial expression and put his right hand over his heart, pretending to be hurt over Olivia having an ongoing thing with Alex.

Olivia started laughing and hit him again lightly. " _Dammit El, I'm trying to be serious!_ "

Elliot smiled at her. " _You can fuck whoever you want, Liv._ " And she looked at him with desire, she couldn't help it. " _I don't own you… doesn't mean I won't be jealous though._ " He told her honestly.

" _Maybe I like you jealous…_ " Olivia whispered.

" _Don't flirt with me, Benson…_ " He joked, getting closer to her face. " _You're gonna end up breaking more of your rules._ "

They were both happy that the tone had gotten lighter, the could both relax. Olivia was done being emotional and Elliot had done a good job of making her laugh.

" _I'm about to break one right now._ " She told him firmly as she leaned closer to his face, but she didn't kiss him, not yet.

" _Can I have a goodnight kiss?_ " She asked. Olivia was asking for his consent even though she already knew he'd comply.

" _You never have to ask for permission to kiss me, Liv…_ " He whispered, looking her face up and down. " _Those are your rules, not mine._ " He said as he leaned down, locking their lips together. It'd been a long time since they'd kissed. She knew it was wrong and so did he but they couldn't help it.


	3. Chapter 3

**I've never gotten so many reviews and private messages about one story so quickly. Thank y'all so much. I'm not sure this chapter is as good as the others but I hope you like it.**

Olivia awoke to an irritating sound. It was her phone going off. She groaned.

Apparently, she and Elliot had drifted apart during their slumber and somehow, her phone had managed to wedge itself in the covers between them. She was confused as to how that had happened and how her bedside lamp had magically turned itself off but she was pretty sure that meant that Elliot had gotten up sometime after she'd drifted off. She'd have to investigate it later.

Olivia was also confused because they weren't on call, they weren't supposed to be catching tonight so whoever was calling her to wake her up in the wee hours of the morning had better have a good reason.

" _Benson,_ " She ground out as she answered the ringing device and glanced over to see that Elliot had remained in his sleeping position of laying on his right side facing away from her. She couldn't tell if he was awake or listening to her but she didn't much care either way.

" _Olivia?_ " Came a woman's voice at the other end of the line.

" _Kathy?_ " Olivia said, sitting up quickly. This got Elliot's attention, who had been listening after all. He turned on his back and looked to his left, observing. " _Kathy, is everything okay? Are the kids okay?_ " Olivia questioned urgently. Now she was worried.

" _Yeah, yeah… everything's fine…_ " Kathy answered quietly.

" _Oh, well… is there a reason you're calling me in the middle of the night?_ " Olivia asked tenderly. She wasn't mad or upset, and she didn't sound angry or like she had an agenda. She was just concerned.

" _I wasn't, Liv._ " Kathy responded, using Olivia's pet name. " _I was calling Elliot._ "

Olivia immediately took the phone away from her ear and looked at it. Sure enough it was Elliot's. Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly before replying.

" _Oh gosh, you're right._ " Olivia stated. " _I answered his phone, I'm sorry. I forgot I plugged it up in my room so it wouldn't go dead. He didn't have his charger._ " The brunette's voice was calm and collected. If she was worried they'd been caught, she hadn't let on.

Elliot could only hear Olivia's side of the conversation but he'd pieced together what had happened. He'd felt a mild panic but with the way Olivia had answered Dickie the day before, he was curious to see how she was going to get out of this one…

" _He came to you after our fight?_ " Kathy questioned. Her tone was also calm, like she'd almost expected her husband to be with Olivia.

" _No, actually. He didn't._ " Olivia told the woman. " _He went to Maloney's and got wasted. The bartender knows the squad, knows that Elliot's my partner so he called me to pick him up…_ " She lied through her teeth. " _He was pretty far gone when I got there and I even had to pay his tab._ "

The lie came to her so quickly and with ease. It was also a turn on for Elliot though. He got up slowly and removed the covers from both of them. Olivia gave him a questioning glance but quickly directed her attention to the phone as Kathy began to speak again.

" _No, it's fine._ " Olivia told Kathy. " _I can go give him the phone if you want but I don't know how coherent he'll be. He was throwing up in my bathroom for a bit and then passed out on the bathroom floor… I figured he'd be sick again so I just made sure he was comfortable and left him there…_ " She lied again.

Elliot sat in front of Olivia on the bed. He leaned forward and hooked a finger in each side of her panties, pulling them down swiftly. Olivia gave him a warning glare and mouthed "No" to him several times as she tried to kick her legs in order to get him to stop but she'd had a small smile on her face the entire time, so he continued his work.

She had to bite her bottom lip to keep from laughing.

He had a cheshire cat-like smile on his face after he rid her of her panties and she shook her index finger at him, trying to stop him from what he was about to do but her body betrayed her by giving off signs of arousal.

" _Yeah…_ " She said into the phone. " _I actually think grief counseling for Dickie would be a great idea, Kath._ " Olivia told the woman as calmly as she could.

Elliot gently pushed Olivia's shoulder and she looked up into his eyes, swallowing hard as she finally complied and leaned back down on the bed.

" _I know…_ " Olivia spoke into the iphone while Elliot pushed her tank top over her belly and planted kisses on her stomach. He was trailing lower and lower…

" _Yeah, you're right._ " Olivia said to Kathy, then pulled the phone away and hit the mute button quickly so she could speak to Elliot.

" _Elliot, we can't…_ " She told him but there was no power behind her voice. She was weak and he planted a kiss in the short hair on top of her mound.

" _We can…_ " He hummed and then planted another kiss. " _And I'm gonna… so you better get ready…_ " He told her as he glanced up, making eye contact. He was making sure that she really wanted this, he was giving her a chance to stop him. He'd never do something she didn't want him to but Olivia's mouth dropped open and her eyes filled with lust, giving him the green light. This was bad, so bad. They knew they shouldn't. It was wrong, very wrong but there was something so incredibly sexy about Elliot's head between her legs while she was on the phone with Kathy.

Olivia was halfway listening to Kathy and she realized she needed to say something to let the blonde know she was still listening.

" _Maybe Dickie could talk to your priest if he doesn't want to go to counseling?_ " Olivia asked lightly into the phone after she'd taken it off mute. God, she'd just referenced church while she was on the phone with the wife of the married man who was between her legs.

Elliot could hear Kathy continuing the conversation so he continued his work as well. He backed up slightly and pushed Olivia's legs open, she complied instantly. She was clearly on board now.

He licked up and down her slit ever so slowly and Olivia quickly put a hand over her mouth so Kathy wouldn't hear her gasp.

Elliot's hands massaged Olivia's waist as he pulled one of her lips from between her legs into his mouth and sucked at it. Olivia started to moan but covered it quickly by pretending to clear her throat. She was squirming now, she couldn't lay still and Elliot rested his forehead on top of her mound, breathing her in.

It sent a rush of wetness between her legs.

" _Yeah… No, you're fine._ " Olivia ground out. " _Call me anytime you need to, okay?_ "

Kathy said something else to Olivia and then they said their goodbyes.

Elliot began grounding his mouth against her clit and she hung up the phone, throwing it on the floor.

" _Son-of-a-bitch…_ " Olivia called Elliot. " _I'm gonna kill you for doing that…_ " She moaned as her hips began to rock against his mouth. Her back arched in ecstasy and her mouth opened as she moaned again. " _Christ, Elliot!_ "

He reached between her legs with his hands and pulled her skin slightly so her slit opened more for him.

Elliot pushed his tongue deep inside her, pushing it to the left and to the right, up and down, licking all of her walls.

" _Ugh…. Oh god…_." She moaned as she threw her head back and her back arched again. Her hands fisted the sheets around her. Elliot could tell that she was close.

He took one hand and began rubbing the top of her clit as his tongue continued its motions.

" _Yeah…Fuck… Faster, El…_ " She begged as her hips sped up.

He quickened the pace of his hand and his tongue. And after a few more seconds, Olivia was crashing over the edge with her powerful orgasm.

" _Oh, god…. Ugh…Ah, Elliot!_ " She'd said his name, breaking another one of her rules but Elliot loved it. It was music to his ears.

He continued until he was sure her orgasm had finally ended. Then he crawled his way up her body and rested his forearms beside her head. She was still catching her breath. Her chest was heaving up and down. When he moved his left arm to grab the sheet, intending to wipe his mouth, she stopped him.

Olivia grabbed his arm and Elliot met her with a questioning look. She didn't give him an answer but she did lean up to meet his mouth with her own, kissing him in a hungry manor. Olivia could taste herself but she didn't care, if she were being honest, that had been her goal. She'd wanted to taste herself on Elliot Stabler's lips.

He licked his lips after she pulled back.

Olivia relaxed her head against her pillow and stared at him as he hovered above her.

" _There's a special place in hell for us._ " She told him, sighing. " _You know that, right?_ "

He smiled at her. " _I think God has bigger fish to fry than two adulterers…_ " He answered.

She looked at him, trying to decide if he was serious or not. " _Do you really believe that?_ " She asked him. The smile left his face.

" _I haven't been to an actual church service in a long time, Liv._ " He confessed. " _When I go, it's just because it has something to do with the kids now days…_ " She was taken aback. She had thought that he surely went more often than that.

Olivia swallowed hard, and then she brought her right hand up to cup his face.

" _Tell me I didn't do this to you?_ " She whispered to him. " _Tell me I didn't take your faith away… That what we've done didn't make you stray from your church…_ "

He gave her a small sad smile and turned his face to his left to kiss her hand.

" _No, you didn't do anything, Liv._ " He told her honestly. " _The job did… the rapists, murderers, pedophiles… it was too much for me… it made me start to question things after a while._ "

She took a deep breath.

" _I still have my faith._ " He promised her. " _I still believe in God._ " He stated. " _I just… I prefer Non-denominational these days rather than Catholic…_ "

Olivia seemed to let out a breath that she didn't know she'd been holding. She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down to her. Olivia kissed the side of his face as he rested his chin on her right shoulder.

She could feel his hard on pressing between her legs. " _We're still not having sex…_ " She told him firmly. She felt him smile against her skin. He ran his hand up and down her naked hip and he turned his head to the right to kiss the side of her neck.

" _No… That was purely for you, Liv… that was for your pleasure._ " He told her.

She groaned inwardly. They didn't this for pleasure. They were only supposed to do it when something major went down, when he was on edge and needed release for a psychological or mental reason. It's how she was able to rationalize in her mind what they did even though she knew it was all a lie and that it was still an affair, none the less.

" _Well…_ " She replied slightly hoarse. " _It was good… so fucking good…_ " She whispered, complementing him as he closed her eyes and hugged him tighter.

" _So…_ " Elliot whispered as he nipped at her right ear. " _Who gives better head? Me or Cabot?_ " He asked tenderly with a hint of humor in his voice.

Olivia rolled her eyes. He was a typical man sometimes.

" _Cabot…_ " She whispered back as she let her right hand run her fingers over his short hair.

" _Mmm… liar._ " He whispered as he lightly bit her ear and she laughed.

She had been lying.

" _You lie so easily… It scares me sometimes, Liv._ " He said seriously, sitting up, straddling her.

" _Why?_ " She asked him, her eyes twinkling. " _Why does it scare you?_ " Olivia questioned as she linked her hands with his, threading their fingers together. He should be thankful for her lying skills. This was the second time within two days that they'd almost been caught if it hadn't been for her quick lying skills. She'd turned Dickie's question down instantly and she'd been thinking quick on her feet when she'd spoken with Kathy. He was lucky, they both were.

But Elliot didn't answer her question. He didn't know how. So, instead, he just stared at her.

" _Are you wondering if I'm lying to you about anything?_ " She asked gently. " _Because I wouldn't… Had you asked about Alex or if I was sleeping with someone… I would have told you._ " Olivia stated, hoping to ease his fears, whatever they were.

" _Why is it so easy for you to lie like that? To come up with it off the top of your head?_ " He asked curiously. Olivia shrugged.

" _I don't know…_ " She told him. " _I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic mother, El… I had to lie about a lot of things when I was growing up. You learn to think quickly on your feet and hide things when your mom downs several bottles of vodka daily…_ " Olivia replied. " _I didn't grow up with Catholic guilt like you._ "

Elliot bit his lip. " _I grew up with a father who liked to beat me occasionally and I never told anyone…_ " He confessed, but Olivia had already known this. Elliot had mentioned bits and piece of Joe to her, it's how they'd been able to make that drunken pact about not letting each other turn into their parents.

" _I know…_ " She whispered as she ran her hands over his tank top, above his left rib cage where she knew a scar was located from one of Joe's worst attacks. " _But if someone had looked you in the eye and asked if your father had ever beaten you, you would have faltered and your face would have given you away…_ " Olivia told him and he nodded. He knew it was true. Growing up in Catholic private school, they taught you early on that lying is a sin. It was almost like they programmed it into your brain so that your body would give you away immediately without your consent.

Olivia had been slightly surprised that Elliot hadn't given them away to Kathy yet. But then again, Kathy had never flat out asked. Maybe it's because she didn't want to know or maybe it's because she didn't care. Who knew what the blonde's true reasoning was or what her reaction would be if she ever found out. And that was something Olivia hoped she would never know the answer to.

" _This conversation is getting too deep for the wee hours of the morning…_ " Elliot commented.

" _It is…_ " Olivia agreed.

Elliot slid off Olivia and back into his side of the bed. He grabbed the comforter and pulled it up over them.

She cocked an eyebrow at him. " _You aren't gonna retrieve my panties for me?_ " She asked him.

Elliot smiled at her. " _Nope._ " He answered and cast a glance in the direction across the room where he'd thrown them.

Olivia rolled her eyes. " _You broke a rule…_ " She told him, referring to him getting her off. She'd broken a rule herself by saying his name as she climaxed but neither of them chose to comment on that.

" _Maybe I should be punished…_ " Was his sly reply. Olivia hit him lightly on the chest.

" _Go back to sleep…_ " She told him. " _You need to call Kathy in a few hours… and sound hungover._ " Olivia commanded.

" _Yes, ma'am._ " Elliot replied with a grin.

Olivia turned on her right side to stare at him. The covers were up to their chests now so the fact that Olivia's bottom half was naked was forgotten. There was distance between them and Elliot was laying on his back, staring at the ceiling. He could feel her stare though, so he turned his head to the left and locked eyes with her.

She looked beautiful. Her hair was slightly messy and she seemed content, but it also seemed like she had something on her mind.

Olivia licked her lips. " _Did she ever tell you that she asked me to convince you to sign the divorce papers?_ "

Elliot's eyebrows shot up in surprise. " _What?_ " he asked.

" _Yeah…_ " Olivia whispered.

" _When?_ "

" _It was during the case of Valarie Sennet, when she accused her ex-husband, Miles, of raping her… I believed her, you didn't. We fought the entire time…_ " Olivia reminded him.

Elliot swallowed. " _I remember._ " And he did. He remembered fighting with her more than he remembered the case. It was around a year after they'd slept together and on their previous case, the Jud Tierney case, she'd sucked him off, but then he'd gotten another round of divorce papers and they'd fucked him up. He'd changed, been more stressed and they started fighting like cats and dogs.

It was odd that she was bringing this memory up now since he'd just thought about it a few hours ago.

Their fight during Valarie's case had been bad and ongoing. He'd told her he was the longest relationship she'd ever had with a man and he'd regretted it immediately upon seeing the light in her eyes go out. But they were in the squad room and he couldn't apologize in front of everyone, they'd sense something was up with them.

" _She called me, asked me to meet her in the park…_ " Olivia told him, continuing their conversation. " _She told me she'd sent you another round of divorce papers but that you wouldn't sign them…_ "

" _Because of the kids._ " He told her. He loved Kathy, of course, but not as a wife. More so as the mother of his children and as the one constant woman he'd had his entire life. Kathy had been his first love and the first woman he'd ever been with sexually. They'd experienced a lot of 'firsts' together and she'd always have a place in his heart no matter what. They'd been together for over twenty years. In a way, he'd always have feelings for her. It was a complicated mess.

Olivia chose not to comment on his statement and remained silent.

" _I ended up signing them anyways… I didn't want her to regret me or the kids to resent me…_ " He confessed in a whisper. Olivia had already known this though.

" _I know… She probably thought I was the one who talked you into it._ " Olivia told him.

" _If she did, she never let on about it._ " Elliot tried to ease her mind.

He reached over and grabbed her hand. Elliot could still remember when he'd sat on his stoop and told Olivia that he'd signed the divorce papers.

…

 **Flashback:**

She'd text him, asking him to meet her on the front steps of his apartment complex. It had been almost five a.m. but he had been lying awake in bed.

Olivia handed him his coffee as he joined her on the steps. She had a flower in her cup because she'd been on a tea kick ever since coming back from Oregon.

" _She knew she was gonna die and she still lied right to my face…_ " Olivia said silently as she stared down at the flower in her cup. She had been referring to Valarie, their rape victim who turned out not to be a rape victim after all.

Her eyes had began to water, not just because of this case but because of the way she and Elliot had been going at it.

" _When love warps into hate, there's nothing you won't do…_ " Elliot told her silently as he sipped the coffee she'd given him. " _I signed the divorce papers… I didn't want Kathy to ever regret me or our time together… I don't want our kids to hate me for dragging out the divorce just for my selfish reasoning of thinking they need me…_ "

Olivia gripped her cup harder as she turned to her left, gazing at him. " _They will always need their father, Elliot…_ " She told him, and then took a sip of her tea.

She gazed at the empty street in front of them. " _So… are we okay?_ " She whispered as she glanced back at him.

" _I just…_ " Elliot took a deep breath. " _I need space to disagree with you so I don't feel like it's gonna cost me our partnership… I can't do this job without you, Liv. I learned that while you were off undercover in Oregon._ " He told her honestly.

" _You've never been gun shy before…_ " Olivia said silently.

Elliot shrugged. " _Things change…_ " He stated, glancing at her and then took another sip of his coffee.

Olivia rested her forearms on her legs and put her cup on tea on the top of her knee. She stared at her lap.

" _It's not because we slept together, is it? Because we've been doing… things together?_ " Olivia asked, biting her bottom lip. She didn't want their affair or whatever it was that they had started, to fuck up their partnership and friendship even more than it already was.

Elliot's head turned to her.

" _No._ " He shook his head to get his point across. " _Hey,_ " He called to her, causing Olivia to look at him. " _I don't regret sleeping with you for a second._ "

She pressed her lips together and took a deep breath in through her nose.

Olivia nodded her head and cleared her throat and spoke. " _So, what's the waiting period on the finalization of the divorce papers?_ "

" _Three months until it's finalized._ " He replied.

She nodded her head again.

Neither one cared to comment that he'd be a free man after that. It was unchartered territory that they weren't ready to discuss yet. They both were aware of the feelings and attraction between them but it was a topic that they liked to avoid. Elliot got up and threw his empty cup away. He reached for hers when she handed it to him and did the same again. Olivia stood up preparing to leave.

" _Wanna come up?_ " He asked lightly. His face was content.

Olivia snorted and rolled her eyes at him. " _You just told me you have three months until you're divorced, El. I know this case was rough on both of us but I'm not fucking you. And to be honest, I don't even feel like getting you off…_ " She said with a touch of anger that was left over from their fight.

Elliot shook his head.

" _I said some really shitty things to you today and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Olivia._ " He looked at her and his eyes were shining.

She shrugged. " _You were right. You are the longest relationship that I've ever had with a man._ " Olivia huffed and gazed at their surroundings before she settled her eyes back on him.

" _I shouldn't have said that._ " He told her.

" _It's fine._ " She replied.

" _It's not._ " He answered.

They stood in silence for a moment before Elliot chose to speak again.

" _Look…_ " He started, walking closer to her and stuffing his hands in his sweat pants. " _I signed away my kids today, Liv. Kathy has full custody now… I just… I didn't wanna fuck. I wanted someone to be there for me and tell me that it'd be okay… That I'd be okay…_ " He ended in a whisper and she could see that his eyes were filled with tears. Her eyes widened at his omission. It was hard for Elliot Stabler to talk about his feelings, she knew that because she knew him so well. " _I'm… I'm fucked up right now… And I need someone to hold me together…_ " He whispered as a single tear made its way down his face. " _I wanted that someone to be you… If that's okay?_ " he finished, looking at the ground before gazing around at their surrounds, doing anything to not make eye contact with her.

Before they were lovers, they were partners and best friends. They'd always been close even years before they'd given into their urges and slept together.

" _Oh, Elliot…_ " Olivia whispered as she reached forward, putting her arms around his neck. In return, he wrapped his around her waist, pulling her close purely for comfort.

" _My kids are gone, Liv…_ " He told her in a watery whisper. " _They're gone and they hate me… None of them wanna talk to me… not even Dickie right now…_ "

Olivia held him close. She knew this was hard on him, not just the divorce but being open and honest with her. Elliot Stabler wasn't a man who always shared his feelings. It's one of the things he and Kathy used to fight about.

" _Come on…_ " She told him, leading him into his building.

They went to his apartment. Once they'd reached his bedroom, Elliot dug out a pair of sweat pants for her to wear to bed. She had a tank top on under her shirt so she wore that. Elliot left his sweat pants on but discarded his shirt.

Olivia was the first one in bed. She scooted over and held the covers up for him to join her.

" _Come here,_ " She'd whispered with her arms open and he'd complied, gently nesting himself in her arms. Elliot rested his forehead against her shoulder. " _You're gonna be fine, El._ " She told him softly. " _Your kids are gonna be fine and Kathy is gonna be fine as well. Everything will work out._ "

He hadn't responded, he'd just hugged her tighter and eventually drifted off to sleep in her arms.

…

 **Present Day:**

" _Yeah…_ " Elliot commented, coming out of his thoughts. " _I was pretty fucked up during that case…_ " He reached between them and took her left hand in his right. " _Why didn't you ask me to sign the papers?_ " He questioned.

" _You needed to do it on your own. Not because of me._ " She squeezed his hand, giving him a knowing look.

Elliot nodded and sighed. He was pretty much talked out. They'd covered a lot of topics within the past twenty-four hours. More than they'd ever covered before. It was still dangerous territory for them, or at least in Olivia's mind.

He saw her begin to shut her eyes. " _Can I hold you?_ " He whispered.

" _No._ " She replied with her eyes shut.

Elliot swallowed. She'd never flat out rejected him like that before.

" _I still don't have any panties on… and I don't trust you to keep your hands to yourself…_ " She continued with a small smile, opening her eyes to look at him. Elliot relaxed when he realized she was teasing him.

" _Turn around and let me hold you…_ " She requested lightly.

Elliot snorted but complied. " _And how do I know you'll keep your hands to yourself?_ " He asked as he felt her scoot up behind him and wrap her left arm around his side, resting her left hand on his chest.

" _You should be so lucky…_ " She whispered as she planted a kiss on his tank top that covered his shoulder blade.

And that's how they went to sleep. Only Elliot's slumber wasn't quite as peaceful as Olivia's. His dream had not exactly been a dream but more so a memory. His mind had replayed a series of scenes in his mind.

…

 **Flashback:**

It had taken place about a month after Elliot had signed his divorce papers and fallen asleep in Olivia Benson's arm. Olivia had just gotten back from trying to sort things out with her brother with the help of Dean Porter.

Their perp, Malcom, had murdered his children in their sleep, then he'd killed his wife, and staged his own suicide, except his suicide attempt had failed. Only they hadn't known that yet. Both Benson and Stabler had thought the wife tried to murder the entire family but it was still early in the investigation.

Elliot had been the one to find the three dead children. It'd hit him hard. Olivia could tell he wasn't handling it well but it was the middle of the night and they needed to brief Cragen.

" _Can you handle it?_ " He'd asked her.

" _Yeah…_ " She told him, knowing what he was planning to do. " _Go look in on your kids, El. I got it._ "

But looking in on his kids wasn't the only thing he'd done. Sure, he'd checked each of their bedrooms, making sure they were alive and well, and sleeping soundly. However, when he'd gone to tell Kathy thank you for allowing him to come over, things had taken a turn.

Elliot had been stressed. Seeing dead kids had fucked him up good. He was angry, scared, emotional, and vulnerable. He didn't know what to do. He hated shrinks but this was almost enough to make him confess that he needed one.

" _Thanks for letting me come by._ " Elliot told Kathy.

" _Did it help?_ " She asked.

" _Yeah._ " He gave her a weak smile. " _I love them… Even if they don't love me right now._ "

" _Elliot…_ " Kathy started. " _They love you. You're their father._ "

" _Anyways…_ " He continued. " _Thanks…_ " And he turned to leave.

" _Elliot,_ " Kathy called. " _Is there anything else you need?_ " she asked, shifting in bed.

Elliot raised his eyebrows. Kathy was offering sex, or asking for it, depending on how you looked at the situation. He bit his lip.

" _Stay…_ " She asked of him.

Something inside Elliot broke and he gave in. He quietly shut the bedroom door and shed his jacket. Then he started unbuttoning his shirt. Kathy pulled the covers back and waited for him to rid himself of the rest of his clothing.

Elliot got under the covers straddling her as he leaned down and covered her chest with his own.

" _The divorce is finalized in two months. It was hard for me to sign those papers… I'm not changing my mind Kath…_ " He told her honestly.

" _I don't want you to._ " She whispered and he looked at her with questioning eyes. He shouldn't have been surprised since she'd been the one pushing for the divorce.

" _After this… We're not doing it again…_ " He whispered to her as he slipped his hand between her legs, searching for panties but soon he discovered she'd gone to bed in only a t-shirt. She was ready for him.

" _Then we'll call it goodbye sex…_ " Kathy responded and she gasped as he pushed inside her.

" _Deal._ " He grunted as he pumped into her.

They both needed it. Elliot had terrible images in his head from the day and he'd do just about anything to rip them away from his mind.

They'd spent twenty minutes having sex. Then Elliot had gathered his things and left. He'd even kissed Kathy goodbye just for the hell of it. Then he'd gone straight to Olivia's place. It was two in the morning but she had gone to brief Cragen and then he knew she'd be sent home to get some shut eye and wait for forensics to come back with their reports of the crime scene.

He didn't even bother knocking on her door. He just used his key.

Olivia had been laying on her couch staring at the ceiling.

" _I wish you'd send me a warning text before you do that…_ " She replied, commenting on his manor of coming into her apartment.

Elliot remained quiet and walked over to her fridge, retrieving a beer.

" _El, we're on call._ " She reminded him, looking up. He made eye contact but proceeded to open his beer. Olivia pressed her lips into a small thin line.

" _How were the kids?_ " She asked as he walked over to her couch, lightly picking up her feet, sitting down, then settling her feet down in his lap.

" _They're okay… They're safe._ " He replied as he took a swig of his beer.

Olivia stared at him. He looked different and she knew why. She could almost always read him like a book. She could tell he'd fucked Kathy. She knew he had, but she chose not to comment on it. At least not until he brought it up. He was having a rough time right now and she didn't want to stir the pot.

It didn't take him long before he brought it up though.

" _I fucked Kathy._ " He stated, looked straight ahead.

" _Okay._ " Olivia replied silently. She remained calm and collected.

" _I… I…_ " He was at a loss for words. " _I'm sorry…_ " He whispered as he ran a hand over his short hair.

" _Hey,_ " She called to him gently, nudging his lap with her feet. She waited until he looked at her before she continued. " _Don't you ever apologize to me for sleeping with your wife._ " Olivia told him carefully. " _That's not how we work._ "

Not only that, but she'd known he'd seen a few people since he'd been separated from Kathy. She didn't know if he'd slept with any of them, but he'd been out on dates. Maybe it was his way of trying to get over his wife and trying to move on. Maybe he hadn't asked her out on one of those dates because they had a deeper connection and it would've been more than "just a date" to both of them.

He licked his lips. His mouth was dry, probably from the beer though.

" _I'm not a saint, Elliot. I'm a woman,_ " She told him carefully. " _Who likes sex…_ "She added. " _When I was working my brother's case… I slept with Porter…._ " She admitted.

" _Really?_ " He asked, more surprised than anything. He wasn't surprised she'd slept with someone, he was surprised it had been with an asshole like Dean Porter.

" _Yeah…_ " She confirmed. " _I was stressed and upstate away from you, and you were still married. You still are. Two months to go, right?_ " She told him with a small smile.

" _Um… yeah._ " Elliot told her. It was like he was in a daze.

" _Okay then._ " She replied. " _You still have your ring on… you still belong to Kathy._ " At her words, he'd automatically began fingering his wedding ring. He probably should have taken it off by now but he'd grown accustom to it. It was like a security blanket for him.

Olivia took a deep breath. They didn't really do this. They didn't talk about their feelings while he was still legally married if they could help it. There'd been a couple times but that was it.

All it took was one look at him for her to know that he was thinking about 'them' and what they were, what they'd become. For now, they were a mild affair, if that.

" _Maybe we'll explore it when you don't have a wife._ " She'd told him silently, answering his thoughts.

Only, things hadn't gone as planned. Fast forward to six weeks later. Elliot was just two weeks shy of his divorce being finalized. He had mixed feelings about it but that surprised no one. Even when people want a divorce, it's still sad for the parties involved.

Kathy had come to the station. She'd been frantic and asked to talk to him. When he'd taken her to the cribs, she'd told him she was pregnant. Elliot almost went into shock. Kathy was pregnant. They were two weeks away from being divorced. Not to mention Elliot was in his mid-forties.

She'd begged him to come home, she'd even started crying. He could tell she was scared. Elliot sent Kathy home and he promised he'd come see her after work to talk about the situation. Obviously, they were technically still Catholic and the kids were being raised Catholic. Elliot was against abortion and so was the Catholic community so that hadn't been an option of course.

He was still reeling about the new information when he and Olivia were waiting outside the courtroom to testify for their new case. Elliot was pacing back and forth in the hallway at the courthouse, constantly checking his watch for no reason.

" _El,_ " She'd called to him. " _What's going on?_ "

He shook his head and closed his eyes tightly. " _Kathy's pregnant._ " He whispered.

Olivia was silent. She didn't know what to say and she was in slight shock, but at the same time, she shouldn't be surprised because he already had four kids. Elliot Stabler apparently harbored super sperm.

" _I don't know what I'm gonna do, Liv…_ " He stated, as he began pacing back and forth again.

Olivia narrowed her eyes. " _What do you mean by that?_ " She asked him.

" _I… I don't know what to do…_ " Elliot repeated, rubbing a hand down his face.

Olivia walked in front of him, putting her hand up and stopped him from pacing.

" _You're gonna go home, Elliot._ " She told him calmly.

Elliot shook his head and looked away. He didn't want to go home. Not after everything he'd been through. He'd worked hard to make himself okay with his divorce but now he was freaking out at this new information that'd been thrown his way.

When Olivia saw that he wasn't going to respond to her, she ushered him into a nearby closed and closed the door behind them.

" _Hey,_ " She called to him, putting her hands on both of his shoulders. " _You're going home._ " She stated again.

He looked at her with sad eyes.

" _You have a baby on the way… he or she is going to need both parents… Kathy is going to need you too._ " Olivia told him firmly. " _You're going home._ "

Elliot huffed and pulled out of her grip. He knew it was the right thing to do but it was breaking his heart.

" _There's still two weeks until the divorce is finalized, right?_ " She asked and Elliot nodded, deciding that he shouldn't comment on the fact that she'd clearly been keeping track. " _Cancel the papers._ " Olivia told him firmly.

" _But I-_ " He tried but she cut him off.

" _Shut up._ " She told him fiercely. " _Whatever you're about to say to me, don't. You're going home._ " Olivia repeated again. He watched her intently as she got in his face. " _You're going back to her and I won't have it any other way._ " She stated. Olivia wasn't exactly sure what he'd been about to say, but she was trying to make it clear that she would not support him leaving Kathy alone and pregnant just so he could be with her, if that was where his train of thought had gone.

His eyes filled with tears without his consent.

Olivia moved closer, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and resting her forehead on his right shoulder. Elliot's arms encircled her waist as he also rested his forehead on her right shoulder. It almost killed her to tell him to go back to Kathy but it was the right thing to do.

" _I'm not upset, El._ " She whispered into his shoulder. " _I'm just… tired and stressed. I've got other things I'm dealing with, but I'll always be here for you. Always._ " She promised him.

He didn't ask if they'd continue whatever affair they'd been having, he didn't ask her anymore questions period. They just held each and tried to take in the fact that they had been so close to being able to actually be together without hurting people or living in sin.

She'd never leave him. As much as it pained her to be an adulterer, she'd never walk away from Elliot, even if it meant that some nights he came over to keep her bed warm instead of Kathy's. But she did distance herself. Kathy was pregnant and Olivia couldn't live with herself if she let him share her bed while Kathy was home alone and pregnant so they backed off from each other.

For more than a year, Elliot didn't come over to her place unless it was work related and she didn't offer any sexual favors. During this time, they'd drifted apart. Their chemistry and feelings for each other was still there but both Elliot and Olivia had a conscience. An affair was wrong, but an affair when his wife was pregnant was pure evil. So, he went back to fucking Kathy, to trying to make things work and she went back and forth between Dean Porter whenever he was in town, and occasional men that she'd pick up in bars. That's just how it was.

…

 **Present Day:**

When Olivia woke up, the sun was shining through the curtains. She looked to her right and saw Elliot sitting on the edge of the bed facing away from her. His nightmares were rare but she knew he had them. Still, he only rarely talked about them.

" _Elliot?_ " She called to him but he remained in the same position, looking away from her. Olivia wanted to reach out and touch his side but she remembered that he was ticklish.

Elliot leaned over, resting his elbows on top of his knees and stared at her carpet.

" _I'm sorry I got Kathy pregnant…_ " He whispered so low that she almost missed it.

Olivia sat up and looked around the room, searching for her panties. When she finally located them, she got up, slipped them on and went to sit beside him on the bed. She sat down gently and put a hand on his back.

" _What's going on here?_ " She asked calmly. " _Is that what you were dreaming about?_ " She asked tenderly.

Elliot nodded but stayed hunched over, focusing his vision on the floor.

" _Don't you ever apologize for little Eli._ " She whispered to him, thinking about the little boy who was coming up on almost two years old now. She loved him. She'd been the first one to hold him, she'd been to his first birthday party. She'd even been invited to his baptism but she had had a scheduling conflict on that day.

" _I'm not… I just… I hate how complicated things are…_ " He replied.

" _You need to call Kathy._ " She told him, changing the topic. Olivia didn't want to talk about Eli or whatever he had dreamed. She was worried because Elliot had been more touchy-feely lately. Yeah, she was touchy-feely last night but that was rare for her. But Elliot, he'd been more open about his feelings for her even though they had an unspoken rule about not discussing it. In hindsight though, she shouldn't be surprised because apparently, he was all about breaking rules lately…

 **If you want another chapter, I'm gonna need reviews but more like your input. If I do another chapter, I'm thinking about adding a flashback of when Eli was born and maybe a flashback of what happened and what was said when Elliot found Olivia on her kitchen floor chugging vodka after Harris.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for the reviews! This story is getting harder and harder to write!**

Elliot left the bedroom in his boxers and tank top, shutting the bedroom door and going to Olivia's living room to call Kathy.

He paced around the room as Kathy answered. The blonde didn't sound angry or upset with him. She asked him how he was feeling and he told her he was okay. They talked about the parent-teacher conference that he needed to attend at the twins' high school in a couple of days. Then Kathy mentioned that Eli had a doctor's appointment next week. She told him he didn't have to go but that the offer was there if he wanted to accompany her.

There had been so much tension between him and Kathy for a while now, and that tension had nothing to do with Olivia. It was just purely Elliot and Kathy not mixing well, not clicking or being in sync.

Elliot could tell she was still rattled about the way he'd handled the case with Dickie. She was still upset about how he'd almost hit his son even if her voice didn't show it currently. He knew this because she ended the conversation with telling him that for the next two nights, she'd like to have the bed to herself and Eli. Kathy didn't make it a regular occurrence for the toddler to sleep in their bed because she didn't want him to get use to it, but here lately, she'd been letting the little boy sleep with his mom. It was purely for Kathy's comfort.

He told her not to worry, that he and Olivia were working a tough case and he probably wouldn't be home later that night anyways. Olivia's lying was starting to rub off on him apparently.

Elliot had huffed at the end of the call and neither one had said they loved each other. They'd just simply hung up.

He put his hands on his hips and took a deep breath. Elliot slowly walked into Olivia's kitchen. Opening her fridge, which was mostly empty, he spotted a carton of orange juice and poured himself a glass.

Taking a sip, he took it with him as he walked back to Olivia's bedroom. She had nestled herself back in bed with the covers over her. To his surprise, she was on the phone.

" _Yeah, Kathy._ " She'd intentionally said the blonde's name so Elliot would know who she was talking to.

His eyebrows raised in surprise as he walked around to the side of the bed that he'd been occupying and slipped under the covers, keeping the cup of orange juice in his hand.

" _Alright, I will…_ " Olivia spoke into the phone. " _Listen, don't worry about him, He'll be alright. Everything will be fine."_ She said. _"Yes, I'll keep an eye on him… alright, bye._ " Olivia finished.

Elliot huffed as Olivia sat up beside him in bed.

" _When did my wife start calling you for help?_ " He asked as he handed her his glass of orange juice.

" _She's called me a few times over the years… You know that._ " Olivia commented, then took the orange juice from him. " _So, we're out on a case, huh?_ " she asked him, narrowing her eyes at him as she took a lengthy sip from his cup.

Elliot shrugged and waited a few beats before taking his orange juice back, finishing the cup.

" _If you're gonna lie to her, you can at least give me a heads up…_ " She said.

" _Well, I didn't expect her to call you right after I got off the phone with her, Liv._ "

Olivia checked her phone. It was around ten a.m. which wasn't surprising since they'd stayed up late and been woken up during the night. Usually, she'd never sleep this late on a day off.

" _You should go home, El._ " She told him, gazing straight ahead.

" _I'm on the couch for two more nights… Told her I wouldn't even make it home tonight due to our heavy case load._ "

Olivia sighed. " _We're gonna get caught…_ " She whispered as she ran a hand down her face.

He set his empty cup on her night stand next to his phone.

" _I thought there was no 'we' according to you…_ " Elliot stated, using his fingers to do air quotes.

Olivia rolled her eyes. Of course, there was a "them". They both knew it, they just tried hard to ignore it. They tried their best to push their feelings aside and make this thing between them about sex, or rather about him getting off most of the time and her occasional orgasms. But deep down they both knew it was more.

Hell, Elliot had told her just last night that she wasn't some random woman that he ran to when his wife wouldn't put out, that she meant more to him than that. Although, Olivia had tried to ignore it. She'd tried to look past it. It was taking a toll on her that she was the other woman, that she was doing things she wasn't supposed to with a married man.

Never-the-less, she ignored his statement.

Olivia dragged herself out of bed and went to find some sweat pants that were clean since Elliot had gotten his semen all over the ones she'd worn last night. She bent over to rummage through the bottom drawer of her dresser and she could feel his eyes on her ass.

She sighed and looked at him over her shoulder. Sure, enough his eyes were glued to her backside. Rolling her eyes once more, she shot him a warning look.

" _El… Stop ogling my ass…_ "

" _Then stop bending over…_ " He shot back.

He shook his head 'no' indicating that he wasn't going to stop and gave her a small smile. She shook her head in annoyance and went back to fishing for sweat pants. Once she'd found some, she slipped them on.

" _You look at Kathy like that too?_ " She fired at him, hoping that talking about his wife would throw him off his game.

" _Liv, I'm a man._ " He pointed out. " _If a beautiful woman is gonna bend over in front of me wearing just panties and a tank top, I'm gonna look…_ " He told her. Unless she was a rape victim or a prostitute of course but he knew he didn't need to add that out loud. Olivia knew him well enough for that. Elliot considered prostitutes victims as well. Almost every prostitute had not willingly entered the lifestyle. " _Especially when that woman is Olivia Benson…_ " He whispered.

She ignored his comment and went to the kitchen to see if she had a bagel or something she could put on her stomach. She didn't feel like going out and she didn't even feel like eating if she was being honest but she hadn't eaten last night so she needed something.

In the kitchen, she found she still had a bag of bagels that surprisingly hadn't expired. The cream cheese however, was expired by two days but she didn't see any mold and it still smelled good so she decided she'd eat it anyways.

Trying to put the bagel in the toaster oven, she dropped one of the pieces by accident and it bounced off the counter, landing on the floor. Olivia squatted down to pick it up but lost her balance and fell flat on her ass. She huffed in frustration. She'd only had one beer the night before, so she couldn't even blame a hangover for her clumsiness.

Elliot walked out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen. He caught sight of her on the floor and he instantly remembered the last time he'd seen her in that position. It had been after the stint in Sealview.

…

 **Flashback:**

He'd known she wasn't okay. Olivia was nowhere near okay. Elliot had asked her what happened in the basement and she'd told him nothing, that she was fine. But Olivia had had a look in her eye, a look that told him she was everything but okay.

After their case was over and Harris was locked away, Elliot arrived at her apartment.

" _Liv?_ " He called as he knocked on her door.

When there was no reply, he used his key. He didn't care if she would be mad at him, Elliot needed to make sure she was okay.

He'd opened her door and walked through it, looking around trying to find her. When he spotted her, she was on her kitchen floor, nested against the corner of the cabinets. There was a half empty bottle of vodka in her hands.

Elliot took a deep breath, before approaching her.

He squatted down in front of her and gently pried the bottle from her hands. She didn't give him much fight.

" _You can't do this…_ " He whispered to her carefully. " _I won't let you…_ " Elliot promised her.

He sat the bottle on the opposite side from him, away from her as moved to sit beside her.

Elliot licked his lips. " _What happened in the basement, Liv?_ " He asked, fear consuming him.

Olivia was quiet for a long time. Her face was tear-stained so he knew she'd been crying before he got there.

" _If he raped you-_ " Elliot started but she cut him off.

" _No!_ " She told him frantically. " _No…_ " She said more calmly. " _He didn't rape me._ " Olivia stated, slightly slurring her words form the vodka.

Elliot looked at her intently, trying to detect a lie.

" _If he did, I'm here for you… We'll get you help. We'll get you a therapist, Liv._ " He told her as he stared at her with pleading eyes. " _I swear to god I'll be here for you._ " Elliot told her strongly.

" _He didn't rape me._ " Olivia repeated with more confidence, making eye contact so he'd know she was telling the truth. He believed her this time. It's not that Elliot automatically thought she was lying but he knew her. He knew Olivia Benson. After growing up with her abusive mom and being the product of rape, then if she had been raped herself, it would break her. She would be in denial. But he believed her statement, he had to, he was all she had.

" _What'd he do?_ " Elliot asked in a low voice.

Olivia pressed her lips together tightly, almost as if her body wasn't going to allow her to respond.

" _I can't tell you…_ " She whispered, staring straight ahead at the cabinet doors. " _Wasn't rape but it was sexual assault… That's all I can give you… 'M sorry._ " She replied as tears slid down her face.

" _I… I won't think less of you, Liv… I won't. I'm here for you, you can tell me anything._ " Elliot's eyes watered as he spoke. The woman in front of him was almost unrecognizable.

" _I CAN'T._ " Olivia stated loudly as tears flooded her face. She leaned over and propped her upper body up by pressing her hands against the floor and straightening her arms. She bowed her face towards the floor. " _I failed… as a cop… as a… woman…_ " Olivia whispered in shame.

" _I wanna hold you… Can I put my arm around you?_ " He was asking consent. He needed it because she was a fresh sexual assault victim.

Olivia immediately collapsed into his arms, silently giving him the okay to touch her.

Elliot bit his bottom lip as he wrapped his left arm around her shoulders. It was probably the vodka swirling around her head or it could have been just because she simply needed his touch. Someone that wasn't Harris…

" _I… 'M craving vodka…_ " She confessed to him.

" _I won't let you go down that road, Liv…_ " He replied. He knew it was her mother's drink.

" _Help me…_ " She whispered in a small voice as her left hand reached across them and fisted his shirt. " _Don't let me become her…_ "

Elliot's own eyes began to water.

" _I won't let you become him…_ " Olivia stated quietly, and he instantly knew she was referring to his father. " _If you don't let me become her…_ "

" _I won't, Liv. I swear to God I won't… I've got you…_ " He promised her, holding her tightly as she collapsed, laying her head in his lap. The sight before him was terrifying. She was breaking in half right before his eyes. " _In a few minutes, I'm gonna put you to bed… and then I'm gonna clear your apartment of alcohol, I promise._ "

Olivia had started sleeping with Alex previously to the Sealview incident but she wasn't going to tell her about this. It'd probably be a little bit before she'd be able to sleep with her because Olivia would be recovering from her attack mentally as well as physically, but she didn't think she'd be triggered by Alex. Alex was a woman and that was probably the best possible thing right now. A penis in her face would trigger her. Someone grabbing her the wrong way would trigger her. But not a woman.

After a few minutes, Olivia sat back up and looked at Elliot with drunken, sad eyes.

" _I'm so sorry…_ " She whispered to him. His eyebrows bunched together in confusion.

" _For what?_ " He asked tenderly.

" _For… for loving you._ " She replied in a whisper as silent tears ran down her face again. Elliot huffed. They hadn't said that to each other. They both knew it but they'd kept their distance ever since Kathy had become pregnant.

" _You probably won't remember much of this conversation,_ " Elliot commented, knowing the effects of vodka. " _But I love you too…_ " he replied with a small smile as he wiped her face free of water and kissed her forehead. Olivia closed her eyes and there was a ghost of a smile on her lips.

" _Come on, woman._ " He called to her. " _Let's get you to bed…_ " Then he helped her up and into her bedroom, putting her in bed and left her bedroom door open in case she got sick or needed him.

Then he proceeded to rid her apartment of alcohol and liquor.

If she ever remembered the conversation they'd had, she'd never mentioned it or let on and he'd never spoken about it. He never would for fear that she'd deny it, say that she was drunk and incoherent. Truthfully, the only thing he knew she remembered for sure was the drunken pact they'd made and the fact that she'd told him she wasn't raped.

This had been the only time they'd ever said 'I love you' and he didn't count it because she'd been drunk. So, technically they'd never said the 'L' word to each other, or at least according to him they hadn't.

…

 **Present Day:**

Elliot shook his head to rid him of the memory and walked over to her, putting his hand out to help her off the floor.

He was grinning and she was annoyed.

Olivia turned back around to face the counter, dusting off the slice of bagel that she'd dropped and popped it in the toaster oven.

Elliot hadn't bothered to put on his pants. He left her in the kitchen to fix her food and he planted himself on the couch, laying down with his head on one of the pillows and grabbing the remote. He was on his right side, facing the television and holding out his right arm that held the remote so he was pointing it at the receiver.

In the kitchen, she had finished applying cream cheese to her bagel and she put it on one of her paper plates from the cabinet. Then she grabbed a napkin and headed to the couch. She took one look at Elliot and raised her eyebrow.

He was lounging on her couch in his tank top and boxers. Elliot scooted his body back as she sat her ass in the middle seat in front of his pelvis. She bit into her bagel and she felt Elliot's hand on her thigh. She turned to glare at him but when she looked at him, she saw that his mouth was hanging open. That was his way of asking for a bite of her food.

Olivia rolled her eyes as she put her bagel to his mouth, letting him have a taste.

" _This is suddenly starting to feel domestic…_." She told him.

Elliot shrugged. He didn't care. He enjoyed spending time with her and doing things like this with her. Yeah, he loved it when she got him off but he also loved it when they just hung out and spent time together. It was Olivia who was stopping them from doing things. Olivia and her "rules"…

She finished her bagel and put her empty plate on the coffee table. Elliot was still surfing the channels on her TV, so she grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and draped it over them as she laid down beside him, her back against his chest. Olivia rested her head on his arm that was stretched out, holding the remote.

" _Who's making us feel domestic now?_ " Elliot asked with a hint of humor in his voice as he scrolled through the TV guide.

Olivia didn't reply, instead, she backed her ass up and bumped into his pelvis. His dick twitched and he groaned.

His left arm automatically engulfed her waist and pulled her closer underneath the blanket and making her be still as she relaxed against his chest.

" _Play nice…_ " Elliot hissed in her ear and she briefly closed her eyes.

She was quiet for a long time. He finally found some re-runs of an older sitcom that they both liked and left the television on that channel. Then he let the remote gently fall onto the carpet. Elliot left his arm where it was because her head was propped on it and he didn't want to make her move.

" _Are you staying?_ " Came her small voice. Elliot remained silent for a few seconds and it occurred to her that she needed to be more specific. " _For the night, I mean… are you staying another night with me?_ " She asked.

Elliot shifted his head forward to where his chin was resting on top of her left shoulder.

" _Is that what you want?_ " he whispered, answering her question with a question.

Olivia sighed. She rolled over onto her back so she could turn her head towards him to make eye contact. His left arm was still around her waist and he backed up slightly to give her room. Their noses were almost touching. She was basically wrapped in his arms.

" _Is it what you want?_ " She counter-asked.

" _More than anything,_ " Elliot answered as he gazed into her eyes. Olivia bit her bottom lip and turned her gaze to the ceiling. " _But if it makes you uncomfortable, if this makes you uncomfortable,_ " He stated, referring to how they were laying currently. " _Then I'm outta here… just say the word, Liv._ "

She shook her head lightly. " _You never make me feel uncomfortable, El… ever._ " She replied. " _If anything, I like it too much… I'm too comfortable._ "

He smiled. " _I can make you feel a lot more than comfortable…_ " He whispered in her ear as his left hand rubbed circles on her lower belly.

She reached down quickly, grabbing his hand and halting his movements. " _No…_ " She told him. " _You got me off early this morning… remember?_ " Olivia reminded him.

Elliot chuckled.

" _Your eyes are dilated, your skin is flushed, and your breathing is slowly speeding up along with your heart rate… You're aroused Olivia, I can read your body like a book. You're ready to go again…_ " He commented.

Damn him for knowing her so well.

She swallowed and released his hand from her grip.

" _Is this a green light?_ " He asked her gingerly, keeping his hand still because he wasn't about to do something she didn't want him to.

She could feel his wedding ring on her stomach as she closed her eyes to ground herself. It was almost as if the ring was going to burn a hole right through her. His left hand was resting on her lower abdomen, which is where it'd be if she were pregnant. The thought briefly crossed her mind and she almost winced at the idea… or rather memory.

Olivia's eyes flew open, realizing she couldn't let her mind go there. Especially since she was laying in his arms.

" _No sex._ " Olivia stated quickly, turning her face towards him to look him in the eye. He needed to understand that she was very clear about this. " _No sex…_ " She whispered to him.

" _I know… That's the one rule that always stands. I won't ever break it unless you tell me to, I swear._ " Elliot promised her.

She nodded, letting him know she'd heard him.

" _I… Is it because of what happened at Sealview?_ " Elliot asked her. They both momentarily forgot that she was in his arms and his hand was resting on her belly.

Olivia's eyebrows knit together in confusion and she backed away from his face slightly so she could take in his facial features more.

" _What?_ " She asked carefully even though she'd understood the question. " _No… It's not because of… I told you I wasn't raped, El._ " Olivia told him forcefully. She was hurt that he might not have actually believed her.

He sighed in response. " _I know, Liv. I believe you… But you know just as well as I do that sexual assault – in any form – can cause someone to not want sex…_ " Elliot told her. She knew he was right. They'd encountered many victims over the years who'd been sexually assaulted but not to the point of rape, victims who hadn't been able to have sex again and the survivors that could have sex, it'd taken them a long time.

" _It's not because of Sealview._ " She reassured him. Elliot still wondered what had happened to her in the basement but he knew now was not the time to ask. He honestly didn't think he'd have the balls to ask her or bring it up again.

" _Okay._ " He accepted her answer. He pulled his right arm in so he could wrap it around her shoulder and pulled her closer to him, kissing her on the cheek.

Elliot could tell there was an underlying reason as to why she wouldn't sleep with him. He knew her too well. And it wasn't that she wouldn't have sex with him because he was a married man, but he did know that's what she'd blame it on so Elliot didn't bother bringing it up furthermore or asking her.

" _We don't do these things for pleasure._ " Olivia reminded him in a whisper as she turned her gaze to the ceiling. Elliot felt this was her telling him no, so he began to remove his hand from her abdomen. However, she quickly grabbed his hand and stopped his movements, keeping his hand in place. " _But I was thinking…_ " She hummed, still not making eye contact.

" _Hmmm…_ " He nuzzled into her neck. " _Thinking 'bout what?_ " he asked seductively.

" _What if… I gave you a pass for today?_ " Olivia questioned.

" _Mmmm…_." Elliot hummed as his hand returned to drawing circles on her stomach. " _What kind of pass are we talking about here?_ " He whispered into her ear. He could tell she was getting more and more aroused.

" _You're gonna be here all day anyways… And we can't keep our hands off each other… So…_ " She trailed off, her voice low.

" _Alright,_ " He was starting to get what she was saying. Elliot began to slide his left hand under her tank top. He inched higher until he was softly grasping her left breast in his hand. " _Which rules do I need to follow?_ " He asked, shifting his hips so that his hard on was pressing against her hip.

Olivia let out a small gasp and closed her eyes, biting her bottom lip. Her back arched as if it had a mind of its own when his fingers lightly pinched her nipple.

" _Oh god…_ " She whimpered.

" _Liv…_ " He called lightly as he nipped at the lobe of her ear. " _What rules?_ " He whispered.

" _Um… No sex… Just… No sex…_ " She told him as he began to kiss her neck.

Elliot pulled back for a moment, his hand leaving her breast, exiting her shirt, and coming up to her right check so he could turn her face towards him. Her eyes were open and filled with desire as she looked at him.

" _I'd never do any of this without your consent. You know that, right?_ "

She smiled warmly at him. " _I know._ " She whispered, and then leaned her face forward, kissing him tenderly as reassurance for both him and herself.

" _You sure you're okay with this?_ " He asked, checking to see if she was truly okay.

Olivia didn't answer. Instead, she grabbed his left hand and tugged it until he gave her full control. She moved his hand down her body until it was under the elastic of her sweat pants, then her panties, cupping her mound. Elliot's eyes were shining and the tips of his fingers could feel her heat, her wetness. His mouth watered instantly.

" _I'm sure._ " She told him strongly and that's all the confirmation that he needed.

His hand massaged Olivia between her legs, going slow at first. Olivia bit her lip and arched her back, closing her eyes.

" _God, I love to see you in this state…_ " Elliot commented. She kept biting her lip but smiled. She retracted her hand from his to let him do his own work.

Olivia kicked the covers off them and turned on her left side, towards Elliot, hiking her right leg up on his hip so he would have better access to her core. Elliot wasn't a left-handed man but so far, he was doing quite a good job.

She began to rock her hips into his hand as two of his fingers entered her.

" _Mmmhmmm…_ " She moaned as she laid her head on his shoulder, turning to kiss his neck. " _So good…_ " Olivia whispered seductively. Elliot smiled to himself.

Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck in an effort to pull him closer. She pulled him in for a longing kiss.

" _Ohhh…_ " She moaned, breaking the kiss as he added a third finger and sped up his motions.

Their tank tops were still on but god did they wish they'd taken them off beforehand. Elliot put his right hand on the back of her head as she rested her forehead against his own. She was still rocking into him.

" _I'm close…_ " She whispered. It hadn't taken all that long but he wasn't really surprised. He smiled at her statement but she didn't see because her eyes were closed. " _So close…_ "

Elliot massaged the back of her head with his right hand as he maneuvered his left hand so he could rub her clit with his thumb. After a few seconds of that, she began to orgasm as her muscles contracted.

" _Fuck, El… I'm… I'm… El… Elliot!_ " She almost screamed. The only thing that kept him from kissing her was the fact that he wanted to hear her call his name.

He continued his motions until her walls stopped pulsating around his fingers. After he pulled his hand away from her private area, he held it on top of her hip, careful not to touch anything because his fingers were still sticky. Olivia was still panting but she leaned backwards, reaching behind her to grab the napkin that she'd had for her bagel and she cleaned his fingers for him.

" _That was hot, Liv…. It was… That…_ " He seemed to forget how to use his words temporarily so she kissed him to shut him up. Her nipples were still hard and strained against her tank top.

He groaned after the kiss. " _I'm so hard it almost hurts…_ " He confessed.

Olivia maneuvered them so that Elliot was on his back on the couch and she was straddling him. He had fire in his eyes, a burning passion for her. She lovingly kissed him. Olivia tugged the bottom of his tank top up. He got the message and leaned up so she could slip it over his arms and head, then laid back down.

She kissed him again, then she trailed her lips down to the side of his neck, and to his chest.

" _What are you doing?_ " Elliot asked, his breath ragged and hard.

Olivia tried to continue her journey but Elliot stopped her by grabbing her wrists.

" _Hey, hey, hey,_ " He stated quickly, almost urgently as he pulled Olivia up his chest so they were face to face. " _No way._ " He told her after he realized that she was trying to go down on him.

Olivia closed her eyes and huffed.

" _El,_ " She said, " _You gotta trust that I know my limits._ "

She opened her eyes and stared at him, trying her best to look confident.

" _I trust you… It's the PTSD that I don't trust…_ " He stated lowly. She'd never told him she had PTSD and he'd never spoken about it until now. Olivia wasn't stupid, she knew he had probably gathered that she had PTSD since the last time she'd tried to suck his dick, she'd flashed back.

Olivia sighed, then leaned down and kissed him deeply as she rocked her pelvis into his, causing him to groan.

" _I'm going to suck you off now… and you're gonna sit here and let me…_ " She told him in a dominating voice, taking control of the situation. When Elliot began to protest again, she pressed her pointed finger against his lips and shushed him. Olivia gave him a warning glance, daring him to say something further. Then she proceeded to kiss her way down his stomach until she got to the light patch of pubic hair.

She sat up on her knees and pulled his boxers down, slipping them off his feet and throwing him on the floor before resuming her position on her stomach between his legs.

Elliot let out a breath as he gripped the back of the couch because Olivia had started to run her tongue up and down his shaft.

" _Oh fuck…_ " He hissed as she made her way down to his balls and sucked one into her mouth, flicking it with her tongue before releasing it and then doing the same with the other one.

Elliot involuntarily bucked his hips towards her mouth.

" _Shit, sorry… sorry._ " He told her, gritting his teeth. Olivia reached up and briefly laced her left hand with his right hand to let him know it was okay.

Olivia retracted both hands, moving them to his private area. She grabbed his penis with her right hand and fondled his balls with her left hand as her tongue flicked over his tip before she fully engulfed him into her mouth.

" _Fuckkkkkk…_ " Elliot moaned as his dick twitched and he gripped the back of the couch harder with his left hand. " _Jesus Christ, Olivia… fucking hell…_ " He groaned as she bobbed her head up and down.

Olivia had only blown him once before and it had been mind-blowing for him.

She was going at a steady pace and he was loving every minute of it. The way her tongue swirled around him, the way she looked at him with hooded eyes as he watched her work. Elliot was in ecstasy.

Pretty soon he was ready to blow.

" _Liv… Olivia, you gotta stop._ " He told her, trying to maneuver himself away from her. " _I'm gonna come… Liv you gotta…_ " Elliot tried to tell her but she pushed his hips down and closed her eyes as she began to deep throat him, just like she had the previous time. Olivia was set on swallowing everything that he was going to give her.

She squeezed her hand around his base as she deep throated and he came quickly, with his hot seed spilling down her throat.

" _Oh god, Olivia… Oh my god… Olivia!_ " Elliot whispered harshly as he came in her mouth. She sucked him until she was sure he had given her all he had. Then she pulled back, licking his shaft and planting a kiss on his tip, once again like she'd done before.

Then Olivia crawled her way back up his chest, letting her elbows rest at his sides as she rested her chin on his chest. She was completely clothed, laying on top of his completely naked body.

Elliot's hands reached into her sweat pants and panties, landing on her ass cheeks.

" _You are an extraordinary woman…_ " He hummed as he gazed at her. Olivia chuckled and rolled her eyes. " _I mean that…_ " He stated.

Olivia gave him a small smile. They were two very satisfied adults right now.

Her eyes went off, as if she was diving into her own thoughts. He loved that he could tell when something was on her mind.

" _What are you thinking about?_ " He asked her gingerly.

Olivia bit her lip and shook her head.

Elliot make a face and pulled his right hand out of her pants to cup the cheek of her face.

" _What?_ " He asked as he ran his thumb over her skin.

She swallowed before speaking. " _Does uh… does Kathy ever do that for you?_ " She wondered out loud, searching his eyes for an answer.

Elliot smiled at her. " _Not anymore… She did it a few times after we were married but I don't think she liked it too much and I'd never… I'd never ask her for it or try to make her feel obligated just because I'm her husband…_ " He told Olivia honestly. " _She never swallowed though…_ " Elliot stated, grinning at her.

Olivia's face went red from embarrassment and she pressed her face into his chest. Elliot rubbed the back of her head with his right hand.

He waited a while before he spoke again and Olivia had turned her head to the left, pressing her right cheek to his chest. She could hear his heart beat.

" _Is it selfish of me to say that I'm glad you did that because it means you're okay…?_ " He asked. Olivia knew he was referring to Sealview. She knew he'd constantly worried about her afterwards, especially since he'd seen her have the flashback and even if it was almost two years ago that she was attacked.

" _Don't ever feel bad for wanting me to be okay, or for wanting to know that I'm okay, no matter what shape or form it comes in._ " Her words traveled to his ears gracefully and he removed his left hand from her pants, wrapping her up tightly in his arms. Her knees rested beside his thighs, she was still basically straddling her naked partner. " _I did the therapy thing, she reminded him, I survived… I'm okay now._ " He'd known she'd seen a therapist. He wouldn't have it any other way after the flashback.

" _I'm so fucking glad, Liv._ " Elliot whispered to her as he leaned down and kissed her head. She let her arms come up and grip his shoulders from the side, holding onto him as well.

Another beat of silence engulfed them and Elliot used his feet to maneuver the blanket so he could reach down and grab it, pulling it up and covering his body and hers. Their forgotten sitcom was on low in the background.

" _One the phone earlier,_ " Olivia began, " _Kathy mentioned Eli is turning two in a couple of weeks…_ "

Elliot took a deep breath. " _Yeah, yeah he is._ "

" _I'm told that I'm expected to attend…_ " She said.

" _You held him before I did Olivia, you saved his life and Kathy's… of course Kathy wants you there, and so do I for that matter._ " Elliot stated.

Olivia huffed. She didn't want to go because she was technically Elliot's mistress but on the other hand, Eli would be disappointed if she didn't show up.

" _I'm only going for Eli… Not for you or Kathy, just for Eli._ " She told him strongly.

" _As long as you're there, that's all that matters, Liv. You know that. That little boy loves you._ "

It was true. Kathy had made sure Eli knew who Olivia was, that he knew the brunette was responsible for saving his life and his mom's. Eli was still very young, he was still learning which words meant what and how things worked in the world but he knew who "Livia" was and what she looked like. The way Eli loved Olivia almost made her sick, mostly because she was in love with his father and did unspeakable things.

Olivia could still remember the day of his birth so vividly and so could Elliot, even though they both had different accounts and point of views from that day. Olivia remembered it easily though because it was the same time that she began sleeping with Alex.

…

 **Flashback**

Her hair was shorter back then. Olivia had let it get real long, past her shoulder then she'd chopped it off, needing a change.

When she'd first walked through the A.D.A.'s office that previous week, there'd been a surprising amount of sexual tension between her and the blonde. A tension that had only briefly been there before Alex went into Witness Protection.

They'd never addressed it, never even commented on it but since Alex had come back, something was different. Something had changed between them. The blonde's arousal had always been obvious because she had porcelain skin. Blushing was very obvious on Alex Cabot.

They'd given each other small glances and other signs. Alex's hand lingering too long on Olivia's or Olivia walking a file over to Alex's office when she really hadn't needed to. They'd even been on several lunch dates but those were just 'friend' dates. When Alex worked with them before, she and Olivia would go to lunch together.

It was different now though. They would flirt. It started out as innocent compliments that could be taken either way. Then once they'd picked up on each other's willingness, it'd progressed to real flirting and real touching when they were the only ones left in the room.

One afternoon, a few days before Eli was born, Olivia was walking Alex back to her office after lunch. Olivia had never been so happy to have a spark with someone other than Elliot Stabler.

After they'd walked into Alex's office, Alex started up their conversation.

" _Thanks for lunch, Olivia._ " Alex always liked using Olivia's full name. " _It was fun._ " Lunch had mostly been fun because they'd played footsie half the time.

" _Anytime…_ " Said the brunette as she started to leave but she paused with her hand on the doorknob. " _Alex…_ " Olivia called as she turned around.

Alex raised her eyebrows in question but Olivia didn't say anything else. Instead, she walked over to where the blonde was leaning on her desk, and Olivia moved in and planted a soft kiss on her lips.

" _I…_ " Olivia hesitated as she pulled away from the attorney. " _Was… was that okay?_ " She asked the other woman. Suddenly, Olivia feared that she'd been misreading Alex.

It was Alex's turn not to answer. She replied by pulling Olivia in for another kiss. This kiss was more heated and included tongue, to which Olivia happily obliged her. This kiss turned into a make out session as Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's waist.

Eventually, they broke apart.

" _I… I need to get back…._ " Olivia panted breathlessly as Alex fixed her lipstick.

" _Can we do that again some time?_ " Alex asked with lustful eyes.

" _Yes… yes, we can… yes._ " Olivia answered. She was babbling like an idiot. An aroused idiot.

She left the attorney's office incredibly turned on and she was positive Alex was feeling the same way.

A few days later, Olivia had to take Kathy to the doctor because Elliot had forgotten and he had a break in their case. On the way to the hospital, a drunk driver ran a stop sign and crashed into Olivia's car, causing Kathy to go into labor.

This was one of the hardest experiences Olivia had ever gone through; Having to help Kathy give birth to the son of the man that Olivia was in love with. It nearly broke Olivia as a person, as a woman, as a human being in general.

It had to be done and as hard as it was, there's no way in hell she would have not done it. An innocent child at risk? No way, she'd do everything in her power to save him. Even if it had just been Kathy at risk, Olivia would have done the same for the woman. Olivia would have risked her life for Kathy, that's just the type of woman that she was.

After the wreck initially occurred, Olivia was the only one who could fit back inside the car. So, she had to help stabilize Kathy, hold her neck steady, start her IV, and in the ambulance, Olivia had to help deliver the baby, who turned out to be a boy that they named Eli.

Olivia had held Eli before his own father was able to and she had openly cried with the newborn baby in her arms. Kathy of course didn't know this because she was passed out from blood loss and Elliot never knew about it either but in that ambulance, Olivia had openly wept as she held her partner's baby.

She wept because she had been harboring a secret of her own for about a year and a half at that time. A dark secret that she had decided to keep to herself. A secret no one knew, and one that she had continued to keep to herself even in present day.

At the hospital once Elliot had got done visiting Kathy and Eli, he'd left the room to find Olivia. She wasn't far away from their room. She'd made herself scarce once he'd arrived.

He found her leaning against a hallway wall. She had dried blood on her shirt and she looked tired, her eyes were glassy.

" _How's the baby?_ " She asked Elliot in a hoarse whisper once she'd spotted him walking towards her.

" _Good, good._ " Elliot told her.

Olivia nodded and tried to walk past him but he grabbed her in a tight hug, not caring if he got blood on himself.

" _Thank you…_ " He whispered, his voice was laced with tears. " _Thank you for saving them… I… just… thanks…_." He managed to get out.

She smiled at him because she didn't know what else to say besides the snide remark in her mind and she didn't feel like fighting with him, not on the day that his son was born. She wanted to bite his head off and ask him if he really thought she'd do anything else but save them. Of course, she didn't have to save them but it didn't matter if Kathy was Elliot's wife or some random victim, Olivia would have saved them either way but that was a fight for another day.

" _His name is Eli… short for Elliot…_ " He told her and she laughed. Just what the world needs, another Elliot Stabler.

" _I'm gonna go to the station and finish the paperwork…_ " Olivia told him and started to walk away but she noticed him trying to follow her.

" _No,_ " She told him. " _You stay here with your wife and new born baby._ " It might have sounded bitter but she didn't mean for it to.

His eyes narrowed.

" _You okay?_ " He asked. It was then that Elliot realized he had failed to check on her. His best friend and partner had been in the car crash as well, she'd been covered in his wife's blood, and Elliot had failed to ask if she was even okay.

Olivia wanted to tell him no, that she wasn't okay, that she'd been through a lot of shit today. She was in no way, shape, or form okay. But Olivia let it go.

" _I'm fine…_ " She lied. It was one of the few lies she'd ever told Elliot.

He could see right through her. Elliot suddenly felt terrible for how he'd just treated the brunette.

Olivia didn't even wait to respond before heading to the precinct. After she'd finished up the paperwork, which had taken her until ten o'clock to do, she finally headed home.

She opted to take the stairs since the elevator was being particularly slow. Once she'd reached her floor, she saw a figure standing outside her doorway. His back was turned to her but she knew it was Elliot. She could tell by his stance and broad shoulders.

As soon as she spotted him, Olivia turned around and headed back down the stairs. She couldn't deal with him tonight. Not on the night of his son being born, on the night of her saving his wife and kid. Olivia knew instantly that she'd fuck him. If she let him into her apartment tonight and that'd be it. They'd be a full-blown affair. She'd give in and falter.

Olivia Benson would have indeed fucked Elliot Stabler that night.

So, she went to the only other place she could think of.

" _Olivia?_ " Alex questioned as she opened the door to her penthouse.

Upon hearing that it was Olivia buzzing at the entrance of her building, Alex had let her in immediately.

" _What's wrong?_ " The blonde asked. She was in sweat pants and a t-shirt. No bra, glasses on, and her hair pulled back into a messy pony tail.

" _I need you._ " Olivia stated bluntly.

" _Okay… I'm here for whatever you need… Tell me what's wrong? Is it a case?_ " Alex questioned.

" _I… I need you sexually._ " Olivia spoke in a whisper. " _If you're not okay with it or if you want me to leave, all you have to do is say the word. No hard feelings._ " Olivia spoke with fire.

Alex was surprised to say the least.

" _I want casual right now, it's what I need._ " The brunette explained. " _If you can't handle that, it's okay, I just… I need…_ " Olivia tried but she didn't get to finish. Alex pulled her inside, and after shutting the door, Alex pinned Olivia against it, kissing her hard. They didn't speak another word.

Hands roamed and clothes flew. They somehow managed to make it to Alex's king size bed and Olivia let her mind relax and run free. There were no thoughts of Elliot, no thoughts of Kathy and Eli. It was purely all Alex.

The next morning, Alex tried to ask Olivia about what had happened.

" _What was wrong last night? Something happened to you…_ " Alex stated as she lay nude in bed with a naked Olivia Benson pressed against her.

" _I don't want to talk about it…_ " Olivia replied in a calm tone.

" _Alright._ " Alex agreed. " _But um… can we keep 'this' between us? At least for now? Until we figure out what this is and while it's still casual?_ " She hesitantly asked.

Olivia had been thinking the same exact thing so she automatically agreed. But "At least for now" had turned into two years of being casual on and off, and it'd recently come to light that Alex had been fucking Trevor Langan as well. Olivia still wasn't sure how long it'd been going on but she'd trusted Alex and now that trust was broken.

Yes, they were casual but they'd also admitted that they had feelings for each other during those two years. They were supposed to be figuring out what they were and instead Alex was off fucking someone else.

…

 **Present Day:**

" _Do you know what I'm supposed to get Eli for his birthday?_ " Olivia asked Elliot as she held him close.

" _He's a kid. Buy him some Legos or race cars and he'll be good…_ " Olivia rolled her eyes at Elliot. She wanted a meaningful gift idea.

" _I need to go shower…_ " She huffed because she didn't want to get up.

Elliot chuckled. " _Hmm… that's funny, so do I…._ "

Olivia rolled her eyes again. " _We're not showering together._ "

" _Why not? We do everything else together…_ " He replied.

" _No._ " She told him strictly. " _When I'm done, then you can shower._ "

Olivia got up, throwing the covers off her and headed into her bedroom. Elliot couldn't help but watch the sway of her hips as she walked. He absolutely loved her ass. Unfortunately for him, she could feel his eyes on her.

" _And for the love of god stop ogling my ass!_ " She told him in a hiss as she entered her room.

" _That pass is good for all day long!_ " He yelled after her with a smile.

 **Reviews? Thoughts?**


	5. Chapter 5

Elliot was currently taking his shower. She'd been out of the shower for a few minutes now and he'd hopped in right after her. The brunette locks that belonged to Olivia Benson were still damp since she'd only towel dried her hair.

It was now after lunch, which they'd completely skipped by the way, thanks to their extracurricular activities… Olivia had that bagel and they'd shared orange juice but that was it. She couldn't really say she was hungry though. She was more so exhausted, not necessarily because of the things she and Elliot had ended up doing, but just because the previous two days had taken a toll on her. Well, on them both. Probably him more than her since his family was involved and he was booted to the couch by the wifey.

Olivia was now sitting in bed with her legs tucked under the covers. She was deep in thought. It wasn't about anything serious, she was just mentally making her to-do list. The brunette had just gone down the hallway and put her clothes, including her soiled sweat pants from last night, in the washer. Olivia had even thrown in Elliot's clothes for him. She had no idea why he hadn't brought an extra pair if he left home the day before knowing good and well that he was coming to stay the night at her apartment.

She heard the water shut off, signaling that Elliot had completed his shower. It took him a few moments to towel dry his body, then he finally emerged from her private bathroom with the towel wrapped around his waist.

Elliot's eyes darkened and dilated when he looked at her sitting on the bed.

" _That my shirt?_ " He asked even though he already knew that it was.

While Olivia had been running around her apartment in her bath robe trying to pick up her own dirty clothes and slightly tidy her living room, he'd peeled off his clothing for his shower and left it on the floor by the bathroom door.

Olivia had picked up his items, intending to wash them all. She'd put his jeans, tank top, boxers, and socks in the washing machine with some of her clothing. She had seen his t-shirt and it still confused her as to why men always thought they needed to wear tank tops under every single shirt they owned when in reality, it was usually only needed for dress shirts.

Olivia had picked up the t-shirt with the plan of throwing it in the wash as well but it'd smelled like his cologne, it'd smelled like him. She had felt the soft material in her hands and when Elliot stepped in the shower, she slipped the shirt over her head. It started out as Olivia just wanting to know what it'd be like to wear one of his shirts around, as if he was truly hers, but she hadn't been able to take it off yet. So, she'd slipped on a pair of red panties with it, nothing fancy, and then she'd gotten into bed.

When Elliot had asked his question, she immediately realized she still had the shirt on. Olivia had totally forgotten about it. She'd crossed a line, an invisible barrier that had been between them. She was wearing his shirt.

Mild panic covered her face as she tried to decide whether she should take it off or start apologizing profusely. She would have taken it off but then that would put her once again topless in a bedroom with Elliot Stabler.

" _I… I'm sorry… I…_ " She tried but she was at a loss for words. Her eyes were wide and she looked worried. Very worried. All the sudden the thought entered her mind that perhaps Kathy had worn this same shirt. Maybe the blonde had worn this same shirt after she and Elliot had finished a round of sex. Now, Olivia was picturing Elliot's wife wearing the very shirt that was currently covering her chest and her heartrate sky rocketed.

" _It looks good on you…_ " Elliot whispered as he continued to stare at her from the bathroom doorway. He crossed his arms and leaned against the frame, propping himself up. " _Keep it on._ " He added when he noticed her panic. He wasn't sure what she'd been thinking about or worried for, but he'd never seen a woman look so sexy in his clothing.

Olivia blushed, her faced turned a tint of red, which was sometimes a rare occasion for her. The female detective only got shy or embarrassed when she was vulnerable or when she let her true emotions and feelings show. Sometimes she even surprised herself by the things that she did. Things like this; putting on Elliot's shirt like it was something that she'd normally do, as if it were an everyday occurrence for them.

He smiled at her. And not one of his smug smiles either. A real Elliot Stabler smile. Because Olivia Benson was wearing his shirt.

Elliot looked down and noticed not only his shirt but all of his clothes were gone and he could hear the washer going down the hallway. He put two and two together.

" _I don't have anything to wear…_ " He told her. Only she'd already realized this and pointed to the end of the bed where she'd laid out a pair of men's boxers for him.

Elliot's eyebrows crinkled in confusion as he walked over to the bed upon seeing the underwear that she was pointing at. He grabbed the plaid pair of boxers and held them up. They looked like they'd fit him.

" _Who do these belong to?_ " He asked her, cocking an eyebrow as he looked to her, awaiting her response.

" _Me._ " She answered simply.

He kept staring at her because he knew there was more to the story. Finally, she rolled her eyes at him. " _They belonged to an old boyfriend. He left them and I never gave them back… they're comfortable to wear around the house…_ " Olivia explained.

Then a sudden thought struck him. God, what would Olivia Benson look like wearing his boxers? He had to shake the thought from his head quickly.

Humor danced in her eyes as she watched him, like she knew exactly where his mind had gone. Elliot bit the inside of his right cheek as he walked back into the bathroom, just far enough out of view but not bothering to shut the door. He let the towel fall to the ground and slipped on the boxers. He wouldn't have had a problem doing it in front of her but he knew she would.

When he walked back into the bedroom, he saw that she'd managed to bury herself under the covers. They were even covering her head but still, he could tell by the outline of her body that she was laying on her left side, facing the bathroom door.

Olivia was deep in thought again, but this time, she was thinking about Elliot. She was trying to remember a time that she didn't care for him, that she hadn't had feelings for him but it seemed almost impossible. The brunette knew it hadn't been 'love at first sight' or anything like that. She wasn't the kind of woman to fall in love at the sight of someone, especially with all the things she's seen while being a cop.

Sure, Elliot had been handsome back then and he was even more good looking now, but she'd immediately paid attention to two important things.

One: He was married.

Two: He was her partner.

It's why they'd kept their distance for so many years. It's why it had taken them nearly eight years to succumb to their urges, because it had been eight years of fighting off feelings, attraction, and a whole bunch of other shit. She had no idea what he'd thought of her when they first met but she knew there was an attraction from the beginning. An attraction that no matter what she did, ended up growing strong as he and he wife seemingly drifted apart. At least she knew that Kathy and Elliot were having problems before she and Elliot ever did anything or admitted any feelings or emotions. Olivia did have that peace of mind. The "almost divorce" wasn't her fault.

She also knew that initially, Elliot went back to Kathy for Eli. Well, and so he could be supportive of Kathy birthing another child. Olivia knew he loved her. She didn't know if he was in love with her per say, but she knew on some level he'd always love her, because that's how love works. When you fall in love, a piece of your heart belongs to that person and you never get it back no matter what happens to the relationship or where you end up.

The problem was, Olivia also knew that Elliot had feelings for her, that he loved her as a friend at the very least. Deep down, she knew he loved her as more than that but she tried to ignore it. She didn't want him to love her just like she didn't want to love him.

Feelings and love is what got them into this whole mess to begin with.

They'd done good just being partners. Even when Olivia had found out Elliot was separated, she'd not made a move.

Then Gitano happened and they fucked up. They'd both slipped and ever since that first step, it'd been a slippery slope. Olivia was certain Kathy at least knew that she cared deeply for the woman's husband in a friendship type way if nothing else. Olivia was proud of herself for backing off while Kathy was pregnant. Not because it was a good deed (because it wasn't, any decent human being would stay away from a man who has a wife and baby on the way) but because she'd purposefully tried to move on. She'd even intended for it to stay that way. Olivia Benson was never going to touch Elliot Stabler intimately again. He was back with his pregnant wife. She'd been done with him and moved on to Alex.

But then Alex and Olivia had gone on one of their breaks and Olivia and Elliot managed to fuck up again.

…

 **Flashback:**

It had been a few months since Eli was born. Alex had gone off to a country far away somewhere to help victims of sexual assault get away from the terrible camps and tribes that they were in. She was helping women and children who needed a way out and she was doing it pro-bono. It was one of the things that Olivia liked about the blonde. Alex had also done this when she got out of witness protection before she came back to SVU.

Olivia had chosen to keep Alex a secret from Elliot for several reasons. One was because she wasn't sure what he'd think. He was a religious man after all. Another was because she didn't even know what she and Alex were. They were supposed to be working that out while they were being "casual". She knew she liked the blonde a lot, the sexual attraction was there but she liked her mind and heart too. There were just some things that both women needed to iron out first…

Now that Alex was gone and would be for a month or more, Olivia and Alex had agreed to take a "break" even though they were supposedly casual anyways, and ADA Casey Novak stepped up to take the blonde's place.

Olivia was in no way attracted to the redhead and she also didn't fancy making a habit out of sleeping with their ADAs so she steered clear of Casey. She'd known Casey for years anyways and they harbored a small friendship. There was nothing there worth exploring sexually so once again Olivia was alone.

She tried not to let this get to her, but she'd gotten so use to being able to fuck out her feelings and emotions with Alex. The blonde always asked if Olivia was okay. When Olivia would lie and say "no", even if Alex knew she was lying, she'd leave it at that and let Olivia fuck her brains out because it's what the brunette needed.

Afterwards, there'd always been comfort for both women. Holding, kissing, talking about everything under the sun but work. Alex was giving Olivia everything that Elliot couldn't. The attorney was someone that Olivia didn't have to feel bad for being with or wanting.

Olivia could send Alex dirty texts about what she was going to do to her the next time they were in bed… or on a desk. Olivia could leave marks on Alex's back and neck without worrying that the blonde was going home to someone who'd care.

But Alex was gone for now and Olivia was getting restless.

They'd run into a case with two homeless adults that acted as parents to a group of homeless kids, only they'd yet to discover that part. Early in the investigation that had initially started because a rich, blonde girl was assaulted and murdered, Detectives Benson and Stabler thought the assailant to be either the victim's boyfriend or the other girl that was supposed to be the victim's friend, only she'd been sleeping with the boyfriend too. But they'd found out that previous to that, the victim had cheated on her boyfriend and he'd known about it.

Olivia grilled the other girl while Elliot had decided to take a run at the boyfriend.

They ended up coming out in the hallway at the same time. They could still see the two possible murderers through the double-sided mirror in each interview room.

" _Well, Doug's lying._ " Elliot stated, putting his hands on his hips.

" _Well I like Anna for it, El…_ " Olivia told him, huffing. " _Girls can do crazy things when they're pushed…_ " She turned her back towards him and walked over, bracing her arms on the window seal of the double mirror staring at Anna.

" _When a woman cheats on her man, he can blow a gasket… lead to murder maybe…_ " Elliot shrugged his shoulders even though she couldn't see him

" _What about when a man cheats on his wife?_ " Olivia asked in a whisper. Her voice was calm and she was cool and collected.

Elliot walked over to stand beside her with a grin on his face. He was looking to his left, directly at her but she continued to stare straight ahead through the glass.

" _You think Kathy would kill you, Liv?_ " He found it funny. Elliot couldn't help it.

Olivia snorted at his statement and what it implied. She turned her head to the right, facing him. " _I wouldn't be surprised if she tried… scorned women do crazy things._ " Olivia told him. " _But kill me?_ " She let out a small laugh. Elliot shrugged his shoulder and smiled.

" _I coulda taught her some moves and self-defense tactics… you don't know._ " He replied, his voice dripping with humor.

She gave him a knowing look and he couldn't help but laugh again.

" _She'd literally have to blitz attack me and knock me unconscious for her to get the upper hand…_ " Olivia told him, cocking an eyebrow. She was well trained but so was he. As for Kathy, not so much aside from Elliot teaching her ways to get out of someone's hold if they grabbed her or tried to kidnap her from behind.

" _I don't know…_ " He joked with her. " _She's a nurse… she knows her way around tools, sharp objects, and whatnot._ "

Olivia rolled her eyes. " _I'm not saying I wouldn't deserve it… but I wouldn't let her do it because she'd be in jail for life and you'd have to take care of five very moody, angry, and depressed kids…_ " She was counting Maureen and Kathleen in with the kids he'd have to take care of even though they weren't really kids anymore. They probably still relied on their mother and father for certain things though. Emotional support, guidance, and protection were definitely on the list of those things.

He gave her a thin smile. She was right. She had him there. All the sudden he wished this conversation hadn't started because now he was picturing those five moody, angry, depressed kids. Very angry. And Dicky was already a ball of anger on an average day. But she'd said something else that he'd clung on to.

Olivia returned the thin smile and started to walk away towards the squad room so she could see if they had any updates from the crime lab but Elliot lightly grabbed her wrist.

" _Uh… just for the record? You wouldn't deserve that._ " He told her in a hushed whisper as he dropped her arm once he knew she wouldn't walk away just yet.

Olivia gave him another smile to reassure him that she was okay.

" _I know._ " She told him in a whisper with a smile.

" _I deserve worse than you anyways… I'm the one wearing a ring… not you…_ " Elliot reassured her.

" _I gotta go check with Lake…_ " She told him, ending their conversation. Elliot nodded because honestly, it's all he could do. If Olivia was done with their conversation, then she was done. The woman had a mind of her own and if she wanted to leave the hallway, she would.

It'd been so long since they'd spoken about "them" in that manor. The "them" that wasn't supposed to exist. Olivia tried to remind herself that she was done with Elliot. That they were done with whatever they'd started because he still had a wife and now a new baby but her heart still ached.

Months later, they caught the Woodsman case.

Alex had already come back to New York for a couple of weeks and left once more. Now she and Olivia were on their second "break".

Elliot and Fin were sent to Montréal for an extradition of a criminal that had ran and tried to hide by jumping the boarder but luckily, Canada caught him and was handing him over. The two detectives were sent to be his personal escorts back into the United States.

So, Olivia started working the case with Lake but ended up with Special Agent Lauren Cooper. There had been a serial sadist on the loose that they referred to as the Woodsman. The FBI were after him, he was a very evil man.

Agent Cooper and Olivia had accidentally bonded over the job. Lauren had been from a group home, no parents that wanted her, and her job was all she had. The people she worked with were her family. She was also alone. She rarely dated and mostly focused on work more than her personal life. Olivia saw a lot of herself in the younger woman.

As it turns out, FBI Special Agent Lauren Cooper knew more than she'd let on.

Cooper had actually killed the Woodsman and planted his body with his latest murder victim.

After murdering him, Cooper had decided she needed help finding the last living victim and sent an anonymous email reporting a dead dog in the park, making sure the cops would find the bodies and start a search.

Sooner or later, it came out that Lauren was the one that sent the email. Olivia was forced to interrogate the woman that she'd seen herself in. Olivia had gotten too close to this case by accident because she'd let herself get to know the FBI agent.

In the end, Lake and Olivia rushed over to Lauren's apartment in order to stop her from running. They had all the information they needed to arrest her and force her to plead out.

Unfortunately, Lauren had other ideas. She was seated at a table by the window, awaiting their arrival. On the table sat her service weapon and badge. Olivia had quickly grabbed the gun and handed it to Lake who'd stayed back as she continued to talk to Lauren just because she wanted to comfort the woman.

" _I would have been proud to help you collar the bastard that raped, tortured, and murdered twenty-four women._ " Olivia told her in a shaky voice.

" _It wasn't enough._ " Lauren told her.

" _Why?_ " Olivia winced at her own voice.

" _You know why._ " Lauren said. " _How many dead babies have you stood over? How many rape victims? You can't tell me you've never wanted to put your gun under the bastard's chin who'd raped a two-year-old…_ " She told the detective as tears flooded her eyes.

Olivia had known from the beginning that Lauren Cooper was from the BAU. She didn't deal with live victims, she was a profiler who focused on the assailant. During the case, Lauren had had trouble with the one victim they'd found alive but had died later.

" _I have… many times._ " Olivia answered honestly. " _But I have too much to lose._ "

She'd lose Elliot. Even though he'd probably fully support her, she'd lose him. Alex too. Not that she had the blonde now but whatever 'thing' they had going on would vanish. She'd lose every single person that she'd decided to call family, her entire support system was built of cops and detectives. And cops don't do well in jail.

" _Well I don't._ " Lauren told her. Lake was still in the room but both women were pretty much ignoring him at this point.

" _Amy did. Why didn't you think about her before you murdered him? You knew he had a victim, what he was doing to her… didn't you think about her?_ " Olivia asked almost darkly.

" _I did EVERYTHING to save her!_ " Lauren yelled as tears streamed down her face. " _Even after I put my gun to his head he just laughed, he wouldn't tell me where she was._ " She said. " _That's why I sent the email. I needed help finding her!_ "

Olivia released a sad sigh.

" _I can't condone what you did… but I understand it…_ " Olivia told her lightly. " _I do and I get it. You and me, we're a lot alike, more than I'd like to admit actually…_ " But Lauren had already figured that out once Olivia had mentioned that the people she worked with was her family too.

" _Twenty-four women are dead because of him._ " Olivia continued. " _I've talked to the judge and DA. They're gonna go easy on you… they're gonna offer you a deal._ "

" _I'm sorry, I can't._ " Lauren replied, taking a deep breath.

" _Take the deal, Lauren. It's a way out._ " Olivia told her, her eyebrows knit together in confusion.

" _No._ " Said Lauren.

" _Why the hell not?_ " Olivia asked lightly. She was so confused.

Truth be told, she'd already planned it out in her mind that as soon as Lauren was able to have visitors, she was going to visit the younger woman in prison to check on her and see how she was doing. The only other person that cared about her in this entire world was her dead mentor's wife and Olivia had seen the woman. She was older and frail. The type that'd start to visit at first, and then the visits would get further and further apart until she stopped coming all together. Olivia was determined to not let that happen to Lauren.

" _Because…_ " Lauren whispered. " _Those who fight monsters should make damn sure they don't become one._ "

" _GUN!_ " Yelled Chester but it was too late.

The shot rang out and Olivia screamed. She hadn't even realized it was her who was making the sound. Her mouth had involuntarily opened on its own.

Olivia Benson wasn't one for screaming. When she was scared or startled, she didn't scream. That should have been the first indication that something was wrong, that she was about to break down.

After her scream, she started spontaneously sobbing. She grabbed Chester's hand for support as she staggered backwards. Then she eventually made her way to the wall at the far side of the room but she couldn't stop the tears. Her body was in shock and she had no control.

She slid down onto the floor in silence and a chunk of time must have passed because before she knew it, Melinda Warner was crouching down in front of her, asking her if she was okay.

Lauren's blood was splattered all over the wall and she couldn't stop looking at it or at the woman's body that had slumped to the floor.

Olivia was unresponsive so Melinda left her alone for now.

The medical examiner walked over, assessed the body and did what she had to do, which didn't take too long. The good thing about being the chief medical examiner was that you have people who work for you and do the dirty work. For now, she just needed to assess the scene, do the routine assessment check of the body, and make her notes. Then she could leave it to the other workers to make sure Lauren's body made it to her slab at the morgue.

Melinda walked back over to Olivia as she was down and kneeled on the ground beside her with her stethoscope.

" _Liv, you went into shock for a few minutes. I'm just going to check your vitals, okay?_ " The medical examiner stated. This time, Olivia was responsive.

" _Yeah, okay._ " She replied, rolling up her sleeve and holding out her arm for Melinda. Olivia knew the routine.

Her vitals were slightly off but they were in the 'okay' range so Melinda concluded she wouldn't need medical attention. Even if she did, Olivia wouldn't have gone to a hospital.

The brunette took a cab home after declining a ride from both Melinda and Chester. She just wanted to get away from everyone. She knew she'd have to take a day or two off work and go through a psych eval. It was mandatory for witnessing a suicide.

Olivia had only been home a short time before there was a knock at the door. It was delivery food that she hadn't ordered. Then she discovered that Melinda had ordered it and paid for it. She made a mental note to repay the medical examiner. Especially since she'd ordered so much food, probably intending for it to hold Olivia over for a couple of days.

Melinda Warner was a very sweet and caring woman. Olivia was lucky enough to be able to call her a friend even though they didn't really hang out that often. Obviously, the woman knew Olivia well enough to know her fridge would be empty.

The detective ate enough to stop herself from starving then she put the rest in the fridge and headed to her bedroom to change into boy shorts and a tank top.

After changing, she buried herself under her covers in bed. No doubt today was one of the hardest days she'd ever experienced on the job.

She thought about how she just wanted human contact. She wanted the tension and stress to go away. She wanted Elliot. But she couldn't have him. So, then she wanted Alex, but she couldn't have her either. Phone sex wasn't even an option since Alex was off the grid. Dean Porter wasn't in the picture anymore but even if he was around, she wouldn't go to him. She'd discovered that he was an asshole and to be honest, he wasn't even that good in bed.

She needed comfort, not just sex.

Olivia huffed and half way considered reaching into her side table drawer and pulling out one of her vibrators. She hated how it was so easy for her to relieve stress and tension through sexual activities. It felt wrong almost.

She sighed and scooted herself further under her comforter.

Then she heard a knock at the door and she had no clue who the hell it could be.

Olivia huffed, getting slightly agitated at having to crawl out of bed after she'd just gotten herself comfortable. She walked to the peephole to take a look at who was at her door.

There stood Elliot Stabler in jeans and t-shirt. Fuck.

She thought about pretending to not be home but obviously, he'd gotten word of what happened. He'd talked to someone who'd filled him in on the day's events and he probably knew she was home. Elliot also had a key that he was supposed to use only if there was an emergency but Olivia figured if she didn't answer the door, it'd count as one. Especially since she'd just watched a woman she'd gotten to know over the past two days blow her brains out.

" _What are you doing here?_ " Olivia whispered in disbelief as she opened the door to face him.

" _Lake called… filled me in on what happened. Said you were bad off._ " Elliot told her with a concerned look. " _You look like hell, Liv. How are you doing?_ "

" _I'm doing better than Agent Cooper…_ " She whispered as her eyes filled with water.

He looked at her with sad eyes. She was clearly breaking down. Today had been hell on her and he hadn't even been there. He was her partner for god's sake and he wasn't even there to have her back like he should have been.

She lowered her head towards the floor as the tears came. " _El…_ " She'd whispered and he crossed the threshold into her apartment to wrap his arms around her, closing the door with his foot.

" _I got you, Liv…_ " He cooed. " _I got you._ "

Olivia balled her hands into fists against his chest as she buried her face into his shirt.

" _I didn't know she had a second gun. I would never have pushed her if I had known it was a suicidal situation… I would have used better statements… I would have tried to talk her down instead of blaming her for the last victim…_ " Olivia cried into his chest.

" _I know… I know…_ " Elliot whispered to her as he let his right hand run lightly over her hair. " _I wish I'd been there…_ "

" _Me too._ " She told him honestly. Then backed off him and wiped her face free of tears.

Olivia walked into the kitchen, turning her back to him.

" _You get the perp transferred?_ " She asked him, changing the subject.

" _I heard what happened… let Fin handle the last of it…_ " Of course he'd dropped what he was doing to come make sure that she was okay.

" _Warner ordered me takeout if you want any. She got enough to feed a village._ " Olivia offered.

His eyebrows raised in surprise.

" _Melinda got you food? She was here?_ "

" _No… she was at the scene…_ " Olivia confessed. " _She looked me over because I went into shock…_ " She whispered her confession to him as she leaned against the counter. Olivia sighed. She was a mess. A hot mess.

" _Jesus, Liv._ " Elliot stated in a serious tone as he moved closer behind her.

He knew she wasn't okay but he didn't know where they stood. He didn't know what he could offer her and what he couldn't.

She felt his presence behind her. Olivia's hands were propped up on the counter and his came to sit on the outside of hers.

" _Tell me what to do. What do you need, Liv?_ " Elliot asked. " _I… I don't know what to do here. What do you need?_ " He asked again.

" _It doesn't matter…_ " She whispered. " _I can't have it._ "

Him. He realized that she needed him.

" _We've already done the inevitable…_ " He told her. " _And we've done… things… since then too._ "

" _You're back with Kathy…_ " She told him but she was faltering. Olivia was going to give in… it was just a matter of time.

" _Because I fucked up and got her pregnant when we had a "goodbye fuck", Liv._ " Elliot told her. " _And you're the one that pushed me back into her arms. You told me to go back when she revealed that she was pregnant…_ " He reminded her.

" _Because it's where you belong, El. And let's face it, you were going back anyways._ " Olivia told him. " _You belong with Kathy, with your family._ " It was probably true… Elliot Stabler wasn't the type of man to knock a woman up and leave her on her own. It's how he and Kathy came to be married in the first place. This most recent pregnancy though, he'd seriously been on the fence about it. He wouldn't have left Kathy alone, he would have been supportive obviously, but he hadn't wanted to get back together with her.

Elliot huffed.

" _I'll ask you one more time, Olivia. What do you need?_ " He whispered softly. His voice was caring and it drew her in with every word. She'd been through hell today and she wasn't sure that she could ever truly deny him.

" _You…_ " She whispered, closing her eyes at her failure to keep up their charade. She was weak and it was his fault. Whenever it came to Elliot Stabler, she'd developed a soft spot, a weakness. She thought about him more than she should and wanted him too much.

She knew she could say no and he'd walk out the door if she asked him to. Olivia was the one in control.

" _How do you want me?_ " He whispered, trying to make it easier for her. " _Tell me what to do, Liv._ "

Olivia was silent for a moment. He almost thought that she wasn't going to answer.

" _After this, you go home._ " She lightly demanded.

" _If that's what you want._ " He replied.

" _You go home and we don't talk about it, just like we've done all the other times…_ " She told him strongly.

" _Okay._ " He replied. Truthfully, he'd love to stay with her, spend time with her in bed but she'd never allow it. She wouldn't' even allow him to get her off.

Olivia backed up lightly and Elliot moved out of her way. She went to the hall closet, fetching a towel. She had no desire to get on her knees for him, not now. Olivia wasn't in the mood. Therefore, they were about to make a mess and they'd need a towel.

She looked at him, jerking her head indicating that she wanted him to follow her into the bedroom. Once there, Olivia put him in place.

Elliot was standing with the back of his knees against the right side of the bed, facing her window. She made sure of this specifically because in front of the bed was her dresser that contained a mirror and the last thing she wanted was for him to watch her work.

Olivia was on her knees behind him, reaching around to his front and undoing his zipper and pulling down his jeans and boxers in one swift motion. Apparently, he'd been thinking a lot about the possibilities of what Olivia needed from him because he was already hard.

She tugged on his shirt, signaling for him to side down on the bed. He complied.

Then two tanned legs appeared around his thighs.

" _Same rules apply… no name saying and no kissing._ " She reminded him and he wondered if this was going to be exactly like the last time they'd done this. Olivia placed the towel in his lap so that when he made a mess, they'd be covered.

Elliot nodded, agreeing to her rules, like he had another choice or something…

Then her arms came around his sides as she sat behind him on the bed and she began to rub his member. Elliot sucked in a breath and put his hands on either side of her legs so he could grab on tightly to her comforter.

Her thumb moved over his tip several times, getting the pre-cum so she could use it as lubrication and make his penis more slippery in her hands.

She used her left hand to fondle his balls and run her fingers through the short hairs that covered them while her right hand had a steady pace going up and down his member. Since he had already been hard, this probably wouldn't take too long… it almost never did with him.

Olivia used her thumb, pointer finger, and middle finger to grasp his penis in her right hand and increase the pressure significantly.

" _Fuck…_ " He hissed as he threw his head back slightly.

It almost seemed like it'd been a while for him, which was odd because Eli was several months old now. A woman only has to wait eight weeks after giving birth before she can have sex. He and Kathy should have fucked around by now.

The brunette grabbed his balls tighter and sped up the pace a little. She noticed that his grip on the bed spread increased as well.

" _You know, the last time we did this, it was with my mouth… I got to taste you…_ " She told him. " _Best thing I've ever put in my mouth…_ "

Elliot sucked in a deep breath. Jesus Christ, Olivia Benson was talking dirty to him. When had that become a thing?

" _While you were in my mouth, all I could think about was how you had felt inside me that night after Gitano… You were so big, it was a tight fit._ "

Elliot smiled and let out a strained laugh as he closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip.

She scooted closer until she was firmly pressed against him. He could feel her nipples grazing his back and he seriously wondered if she still had her tank top on.

" _You've always made me so wet… I sometimes sit at my desk all day thinking about you and about this… and you probably never even know it._ "

But he did now and it would be all that he could think about for the next two weeks while sitting across from her dammit.

Her pace quickened.

He was now rocking his hips lightly into her hands.

" _I've thought about you bending me over my desk late at night when the precinct is empty… how you'd smack my ass before spreading my cheeks and entering me from behind… it'd be the hottest fucking thing…_ "

" _Oh god…_ " Elliot gritted his teeth because not only was he thinking about what Olivia was currently doing, but he was also thinking about fucking her over her desk, and image that he'd never be able to get out of his head now.

" _And I would have had court that day so I'd be wearing a business suit with a skirt on… and no panties…_ " She whispered as she quickened her pace even more now, almost going full force. " _Your cock would slip inside me so easily because I'd be ready for you. You'd bang me against the desk, knocking several things off in the process and maybe pulling my hair…_ "

" _I'm close…_ " He whispered as the bed bounced now because he was fully rocking his hips forward.

" _Maybe you'd even use my cuffs on me or I could use them on you…_ " She almost laughed at herself. " _You'd fuck me until I screamed your name… Until I was so close to exploding that you just couldn't help it but pump full force into me… Oh god, I can imagine it now… Mmmhmmm…_ " Olivia intentionally let her voice become lower and sexier as she spoke and then moaned at the end of her sentence.

" _Shit, I'm…. I'm gonna… oh fuck. Goddammit! Ugh!_ " Elliot said loudly as he came in her hands, semen spilling from her fingers onto the towel.

He was breathing hard. Olivia allowed him a moment to steady himself and catch his breath before she wiped her hands on the towel and then gently wiped down his still sensitive penis.

Elliot's hands remained gripping the bed and he stayed put because he didn't know what she was going to do next.

" _Stay here…_ " She commanded and waited for him to nod before she got up, taking the towel with her into the bathroom. He didn't even both to pull his pants back up, he was frozen in his spot. He didn't know what to do other than to stay.

When she returned, he heard a drawer open and close, then the bed dip. She'd gotten back into her same position with her legs loosely around his thighs and he realized that she had taken her shorts and underwear off when he didn't feel the fabric against his ass this time.

She rested her forehead against his shoulder.

" _You can hold onto my legs if you'd like…_ " She offered him.

He released her comforter, which was now wrinkled thanks to his harsh grip, and grabbed underneath her legs, wrapping his arms around them and pulling her to where her feet were resting in his lap.

Elliot knew she was about to get herself off just like she did last time. He let his hands run up and down the underside of her legs and then he heard something turn on. Okay maybe it wasn't going to be exactly like last time…

Because Olivia Benson had a vibrator in her hand. He could hear the low hum of the device.

" _You're gonna be the death of me…_ " He whispered to her and he could swear he felt her smile against his back.

" _Just… give me a couple of minutes. This won't take long._ " She told him.

" _Oh no, you take all the time in the world… please…_ " He wanted to hear this. He wished more than anything he could see her face but this is how she wanted it done.

She gasped and by the sound of it, she had inserted her vibrator and began moving it around instantly. He didn't know how big it was or what color it was. All he knew was that the woman behind him was pleasuring herself with a device that he didn't even realize she owned until now.

Her hips began to rock and he could feel tiny vibrations in his lower back and he gripped her legs tighter.

" _Mmmhmmm…_ " She moaned.

After a few more moments of this, he felt her place her hands on his shoulders like she was gripping them for leverage. Something also slightly tickled his back and he heard a clicking sound beside his right ear. It was then that he realized she had a tiny remote in her hand and that there was a wire trailing down his back.

Then her vibrating center connected directly with his ass as she rocked into him.

" _Fucking hell…_ " He hissed as he realized the device was inside of her and that the remote must control the speed of the vibrations.

" _Ugh…_ " She moaned and gripped his shoulder, rocking into him more frantically. She was right, this wasn't going to take long because he could tell that she was already close.

Elliot grabbed her underneath her knees and pulled her all the way flush against him and she continued rocking herself into him.

" _Oh god… oh…_ " Olivia moaned.

" _Mmhmmm… yes… yes! Ah!_ " She said loudly as she came, gripping his shoulders hard but careful not to leave marks from her fingernails.

Olivia gave herself a few minutes to catch her breath and Elliot tried to think of other things because he was getting hard again.

After a few minutes, Olivia removed herself from behind Elliot.

" _Give me a sec to put my clothes back on and I'll walk you to the door, okay?_ " She said. He nodded and waited until she had scurried backwards and he'd heard the bathroom door shut then decided to stand up and fix his clothes.

When Olivia exited the bathroom, she was back to wearing the same clothes that she'd been in when she'd opened the door.

He was smiling at her, looking at her intently but she didn't like it because he had love in his eyes. She didn't want him to look at her like that. It was the same look that he'd get when she first joined the force and he'd be talking about Kathy…

Olivia left the room knowing he'd follow her to the front door. When they got there, he paused.

" _You gonna be okay?_ " He asked lightly.

" _I'll be fine… you've done enough for me for a lifetime, El…_ " She joked.

" _Yeah well… you have no idea what you've done to me…_ " He replied and she looked at him with a smile.

Kathy would never in a million years do the things that Olivia did, but Elliot also would never ask the blonde to do them either. He knew some things made her uncomfortable and he'd never put her in that position.

" _Go home to her, El._ " Olivia told him seriously.

He ignored her comment, her attempt to get him to leave faster by talking about Kathy.

" _Are you gonna be okay, really?_ " He asked.

" _I will. I have to take a couple of days off and do the psych eval. Then I'll be fine._ " She told him honestly. " _I just… I saw a lot of myself in Cooper… we shared somethings over the past couple of days… private things. I feel like I could have stopped her…_ " Olivia confided in him.

" _Nah… she'd already killed him before you met her. She was probably plotting her suicide then, she just stayed alive long enough to help you find the last victim… you're a good cop, Liv but you're not a mind reader or fortune teller._ " He told her.

" _I… I know._ " She replied, although it sounded weak.

" _If you need me, call or text me. I mean that._ " Elliot told her firmly. " _Don't sit in your apartment upset for two days straight, alone and contemplating the meaning of life… I know how you are._ "

She rolled her eyes at him as she opened the front door.

" _Bye…_ " She said as she lightly pushed him out, all the while smiling so he'd know she was only joking.

Her mind drifted to Alex as she locked the door. Did this count as cheating if they were just causal and currently on a break? Olivia wasn't sure.

…

 **Present Day:**

Elliot had walked around to 'his' side of the bed and crawled under the covers behind her. He scooted closer to her and he wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled his chin on top of her shoulder, planting a kiss on her cheek.

" _You're okay…_ " He soothed. " _You look good in my shirt. Hell, I'll even let you keep it if you promise to wear it for me once in a while…_ " He joked with her.

Olivia's hands drifted to her own stomach to cover his, giving them a light squeeze.

" _You're the perfect woman._ " He told her lightly. " _I know you analyze yourself all the time and you think you have all of these flaws but you don't. You're the perfect-_ "

" _Mistress?_ " She whispered honestly.

It hit him right in the gut. Not because it was partially true, but because she was downing herself. He knew she hated that word. Calling herself his mistress was just a way of Olivia punishing herself for something.

" _Easy… don't do that._ " he cooed. " _What's this really about?_ " He asked.

Olivia rolled over in his arms, facing him.

" _Do you think I cheated on Alex?_ " She asked him.

" _Does it matter now?_ " He replied as he removed the covers from their heads because it was getting a bit stuffy. " _If it did count as cheating, then she did it too. No telling how long she's been fucking Langan…_ "

" _Way to make me feel better._ " She groaned.

He smiled.

" _I wasn't trying to make you feel better… I was just being honest. It's what you like about me, remember?_ " He joked with her and she lightly hit him on the chest but then snuggled in closer to him.

" _We're fucking up… you know that, right?_ " She told him quietly, commenting on what they were currently doing.

" _Yeah, I know… we're in deep._ " He replied.

They both knew it. They were falling further and further into this "thing" that they'd started. They'd fucked up the first night that they admitted to each other that there were feelings.

If Elliot hadn't gotten Kathy pregnant, none of this would be so fucking complicated.

" _We need to eat._ " Elliot mumbled to Olivia even though he was drifting off to sleep.

" _We'll order takeout when we wake up._ " She said sleepily as she yawned, already having decided that they were going to take a nap.

They both needed a nap apparently. It was a nice nap that consisted of no nightmares. They'd somehow managed to change positions in bed though. When Olivia awoke, she was facing the bathroom door and Elliot was cuddled up behind her with his arm hugging her waist.

She wasn't quite ready to wake up yet, so she shut her eyes and drifted back to sleep for a little while longer. She must have slept longer than she anticipated though because when she woke up, it was getting dark outside and she was alone in bed. Olivia looked to the bathroom but the door was open and the light was out.

Mild panic set in that Elliot had perhaps left without telling her goodbye but then she remembered he wasn't even hers and he didn't owe her a goodbye.

She heard movement from the kitchen/living room area though and figured he was in there searching for food if he hadn't already ordered something.

She got up and peed quickly, then made her way down the hall, still in his shirt and her panties. Sure enough, Elliot had ordered takeout already and he'd even switched their clothes over from the washer to the dryer.

Olivia laughed and he looked up at the sound of her voice. Boy, she was a vision walking down the hallway in his shirt with no pants on.

" _Look at you Mr. Mom… doing laundry and making sure supper is ready…_ "

" _Ha-ha._ " He fake laughed. " _Come get some food. You must be starving._ "

The food hadn't been there for long because it was still hot and hadn't been opened yet. He had waited on her. Elliot was probably going to set out the food then wake her but she'd woken herself up instead.

" _Thanks for ordering._ " She told him. It was one of their favorite places and they each knew each other's orders by heart. That was with any partnership though. Fin and Munch knew what each other liked to eat as well because they worked together so much and had taken literally hundreds of lunch breaks over the years.

Olivia sat down and Elliot handed her a takeout box. It all smelled so good.

They ate in silence. Not on purpose but just because they were both so hungry that they focused on stuffing their faces.

" _I can't believe we slept so long…_ " She commented after she'd finished her plate.

" _Me either but I guess we needed it._ " He replied.

She helped him clean up the kitchen and then she headed back to the bedroom.

" _Where you going?_ " He asked with a confused look on his face.

" _Back to bed…_ " She replied.

" _You just got up._ " Elliot commented.

" _It's my day off, El. I'm gonna spend as much of it in bed as possible…_ "

It was true, her favorite place to lounge was in bed, so much so, that she'd contemplated getting a TV for her room because she'd rather watch it in bed than from the couch though it was rare that she ever had time for TV.

Olivia had comfortable sheets and pillows. Plus, it'd started raining outside and it was the perfect weather for being lazy and laying around in bed.

" _You can join me if you'd like…_ " She shouted behind her as she walked back down the hall.

Elliot shook his head. They were starting to act like a couple but he reminded himself that after tonight, things were going back to normal and it'd be like none of this ever happened.

Until now, it'd been over a year since they'd done anything remotely sexual.

To be honest, Elliot had thought they'd stopped it all together. That's why he'd initially been reluctant for her to get him off in the cribs after his fight with Dickie. She was doing it for his benefit and he was worried she was breaking some kind of rule that she'd put in place for herself.

Turns out they both needed a break from reality. This was the perfect one even though it wasn't right. Not when he was still married.

Elliot tried to shake the thoughts from his head as he finished cleaning up the food and headed down the hallway to join Olivia. He was gonna make the best of this while it lasted. There was no telling when they'd ever do anything like this again or if they even would.

 **Thoughts? I need feedback…**


	6. Chapter 6

**Loving the feedback. It helps A LOT. Keep it coming, tell me what you want and what you don't want, what you like and what you don't and I'll TRY to keep chapters coming. Two things:**

 **One – After this chapter, the story will pick up in present time after "Turmoil" and might have a few more flashbacks.**

 **Two – There will definitely be a happy ending. Not into angst. We get enough of that on the show *rolls eyes***

Elliot was waiting on Olivia as she exited her bathroom. She'd been brushing her teeth and she was still in her panties and Elliot's t-shirt. He caught her off guard, causing her to gasp as he pinned her against the wall in the bedroom outside the bathroom door.

His eyes were dark with lust and desire as he grabbed her wrists lightly and pinned them beside her head, making sure she could get herself out of his grip if she truly wanted to but so far, she wasn't fighting him.

The shirt that belonged to Elliot just barely covered her ass and he was still in the boxers she'd given him since his cloths were still in the dryer.

Elliot was face to face with her as he gazed into her eyes. The brown eyes staring back at him held desire but also a hint of humor as a small smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

" _And just what are you doing?_ " She asked lazily. Olivia was a mixture of sleepy and aroused. He could smell the freshness of the toothpaste on her breath.

" _There's only a few hours left in today…_ " Elliot told her as he glanced at her parted lips.

Olivia snorted and he smiled at her.

" _You're gonna use that day pass as much as possible, aren't you?_ " She asked, licking her lips just to toy with him.

Elliot kissed her then. It was slow and sweet. She tasted like her toothpaste, fresh and mint like.

He then kissed his way down her chin and to her neck as his hands released her wrists and slowly made their way to her waist. He continued to pin her against the wall as he straightened back up and kissed her on the lips again.

Olivia moaned.

Then, very swiftly, Elliot got down on his knees and hooked his fingers in her panties, slipping them down her legs. Olivia stepped out of them eagerly. She braced her hands on the wall behind her to hold herself steady.

Elliot buried his face between her legs and she gasped. His left hand ran up the back of her right leg, massaging it and then picking it up and hooking it over his left shoulder.

Olivia bit her lip in anticipation as she leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. She ran her right hand through his short hair.

Elliot kissed the top of her mound. The skin there was smooth.

" _You shaved when you took a shower earlier…_ " He commented lightly as he began to kiss and nip at the soft skin between her legs.

If he would have looked up, he would have seen her turn a shade of pink in shyness. Her nipples were hard against his shirt that she still wore.

Elliot grabbed her left leg and hooked it over his right shoulder. Now he was on his knees fully supporting her weight but this was what he lived for. Elliot worked out at least four times a week and it wasn't just to stay in shape for work, it was also for moments like this, for supporting the weight of the woman he cared about while he fucked her with his mouth.

Olivia could feel the muscles in his back contract against her calf muscles.

" _Oh, Jesus…_ " Olivia hissed as she felt his tongue trace the outside of her clit. He was toying with her, making it slow and painfully sweet.

She now gripped the back of his head, trying to shove his face further into her core.

Elliot leaned back momentarily. " _Patience is a virtue, Liv…_ " He hummed.

" _You're an asshole…_ " She whined.

He smiled as he continued to work, shoving his tongue inside her and flicking it a few times before sucking one of her swollen lips into his mouth.

" _Oh El…_ " She moaned after gasping, her back arching off the wall.

The lapping sounds filled her bedroom as Elliot latched his lips onto the swollen ones between her legs and started to suck hard as he dodged his tongue in and out of Olivia's body.

" _Oh fuck… oh god, Elliot… oh!_ " She said loudly as she bucked her hips into his face and Elliot pushed her harder into the wall. " _Shit… I'm gonna cum… oh FUCK! AH!_ " Olivia let her voice bounce off the bedroom walls as she hit her climax, not caring if her neighbors heard her or not.

Elliot allowed her to ride out her orgasm on his face and once it was over, he gently bent down so she could touch her feet to the carpet. It didn't much matter though because she collapsed onto the floor anyways.

Olivia was out of breath. " _Son-of-a-bitch, you're good…_ " She panted.

He bent down to wipe his face on the bottom of the shirt she was currently occupying. Elliot smiled as he sat between her legs which were currently a bit shaky. He loved that he had this effect on her, that he could do this to her, god he loved it.

Olivia rolled her eyes when she saw the shit eating grin on his face and playfully pushed him away. " _Your ego did not need any more boosting…_ " She commented. He laughed.

As he got himself off the floor, he extended a hand to her, helping her up.

She reached down and retrieved her panties, slipping them back on. When she turned around, she realized that he was no longer standing beside her. Then she heard a peeing sound coming from the bathroom. Elliot was using the toilet.

Olivia waited for him to exit the bathroom. When he did, he walked right past her heading down the hall. He stopped at her dryer, taking the warm clothes out of the machine and sat them in a pile on top of the washer and began folding them, putting the folded clothes on top of the dryer.

She looked at him with a confused expression as she walked over to him.

" _What are you doing?_ " She questioned.

" _What's it look like?_ " He asked, glancing at her. " _Laundry, folding clothes._ " Elliot said, answering his own question.

" _Well… why?_ " She asked.

" _It's done drying… just thought it's the least I could do… you've let me stay here, use your shower, you washed my clothes…_ "

" _No, I mean… Elliot, we were in the middle of something and you stopped to fold laundry?_ " Olivia was almost concerned now but Elliot smiled at her as he stopped what he was doing and walked closer to her.

He leaned in and kissed her.

" _That in there…_ " He said, nodding his head towards her bedroom. " _That was all for you, Liv._ "

Her eyebrows knit together in confusion.

" _You mean… you don't want me to…?_ "

" _No, I just wanted to see you come again… hear you yell my name one more time before all of this is over…_ " Elliot said, giving her a sad smile and going back to folding clothes.

Olivia walked over to him and put her hands on top of his, stilling his movements.

" _Stop._ " She said gently and made eye contact with him. " _What is this? What's going on?_ "

" _Nothing, Liv._ " He told her honestly.

She swallowed.

" _Why don't you want me to get you off?_ " Olivia asked him seriously. " _Have I done something?_ " She wondered in almost fear.

" _No!_ " He said immediately, trying to ease her mind. " _No, god no. You're fine, Liv. It's just…_ "

" _It's just what?_ " She asked, staring at him.

They were standing side by side and she was looking at him intently.

Elliot then laughed. He actually laughed as he ran a hand over his short hair and gazed around the room.

" _Olivia, I'm in my mid-forties… I don't even know if I can get off again._ " He told her. " _And I don't want to try and find out either._ " He added. " _Just then, that was for you because I fucking love seeing you in ecstasy. I love hearing you call out my name when you climax and I don't know if I'll ever get to hear it or see it again, so I needed to get one more time in today, okay?_ "

She was now biting her lip in embarrassment.

" _Alright…_ " She said in a small voice, now wishing to change the topic. Olivia picked up some clothes and began folding.

" _Hey,_ " He called to her, making her look at him. " _We're gonna finish up here then we're gonna go get back in bed and I'm gonna hold you until we fall asleep. Okay?_ " He asked.

Olivia smiled at him. " _Yeah, El. That sounds really good._ "

They continued to fold clothes. When they were almost done, Elliot spoke up once more.

" _So, since I'm giving you my shirt, to go along with that collection of hoodies of mine that you have in your closet, which by the way I did notice you thief,_ " He said to her and she cut her eyes to him.

" _You were snooping around my apartment when I was asleep, weren't you?_ " She asked him.

Elliot shrugged. " _I'm a detective… what did you really expect?_ "

Her mouth hung open in annoyance and surprise at how willing he was to admit it.

" _You asshole… It's only TWO hoodies and if you wouldn't leave them here, I wouldn't have started the collection…_ " She told him, cocking an eyebrow at him then went back to finish folding the last of the clothes.

" _Anyways…_ " He began again. " _As I was saying, I think that since I'm allowing you to keep my shirt,_ " And Olivia laughed at the word "allowing" because they both knew that if she really wanted something, it was hers and he couldn't do much about it. " _I think you should let me keep something of yours…_ "

" _What-_ " Olivia started but gasped when she looked over and saw that Elliot was playing with one of her red, lacy thongs that she had washed in this load of laundry. She reached for it but Elliot was taller than her and held it out of her reach.

" _Elliot Stabler, you give that back!_ " She demanded, jumping in the air trying to grab her thong back. He laughed and she couldn't help but smile at him.

" _I didn't even know you wore thongs, Liv…_ " He commented. " _I've never seen you wear one, ever._ "

" _And you never will if you don't give it back._ " She threatened him.

Elliot's eyebrows shot up in surprise. " _So, there is hope in the future?_ " He questioned her.

Olivia rolled her eyes, cursing herself for saying what she had.

" _And just what would Kathy say if she caught you with my thong, Elliot? Hmm? How would you explain that one to her?_ " She asked, hoping that mentioning Kathy would throw him off but it didn't.

" _I was thinking I'd keep it in my locker at work… or my desk drawer… you know, a nice little keep sake?_ " Elliot told her as he began to laugh.

" _Elliot, give it back. I only have like four of them as it is._ " She argued with him lightly.

" _Oh, there's more?_ " He questioned. Olivia was only fueling his fire apparently. " _When do you wear them? Special occasions?_ " He asked, giving in and handing it to her. She took it and put it on top of a pile of folded clothes that she picked up and headed to her bedroom with.

Elliot followed.

He stood closely as she put the pile of clothes on her dresser and opened her panty drawer to drop the thong inside. Elliot leaned over to glance in the drawer but she shut it quickly.

" _Stop it!_ " She told him as she had a small smile on her face and gently hit him in the chest.

" _When do you wear them, Liv?_ " He asked again, leaning his ass against her dresser and crossing his arms over his bare chest.

Olivia huffed and went to sit at the foot of her bed.

" _I wear them when I go on dates or if I was meeting up with Alex…_ " Olivia said as she made eye contact with him. " _Alex liked them. That pair in particular._ "

Elliot licked his lips as his smile slowly faded.

" _I'm sorry things didn't work out with her. I really am._ "

Olivia shrugged. " _It's okay. We weren't meant to be, we wanted different things. We both cheated on each other anyways. It was a toxic relationship, a fucked up one._ "

" _You deserve better than her… you deserve better than me too._ " Elliot told her lightly.

" _El… I don't wanna talk about this, the break-up or whatever the hell it was, it's still fresh and… and if I ever see Trever Langan again I'm going to go to jail for punching him square in the face._ " Olivia told him boldly as she stood up and walked around, getting into bed.

" _Come on…_ " She called to him. " _You promised me you'd hold me._ " Olivia stated as she reached over and turned her lamp off, letting the light of the city be the only light left flowing into the room.

Elliot gave her a light smile as he walked over and got under the covers from the opposite side of the bed.

Olivia scooted closer to him until they were face to face. She rested her hands under her pillow that her head was on and he encircled her waist with his arms, giving her a light kiss before intertwining their legs.

She swallowed hard at how normal this felt.

" _This is becoming too comfortable for us._ " Olivia told him with sadness in her voice. He looked into her eyes and he could swear he could see into the depths of her soul. Elliot could see that she was scared, scared of them, of the future, of what lies ahead.

" _It was just one day._ " He tried to rationalize it with her. " _We didn't even sleep together if that makes you feel any better._ "

" _It's still adultery._ " She told him strongly. Olivia would never lie about that to him or to herself. She knew what this was. She knew what she was.

" _I know._ " He told her lightly.

They were both quiet for a minute and Olivia closed her eyes. She wanted sleep to come because she wanted to be well rested for work in the morning but at the same time she didn't want to sleep at all because she wanted to soak up every single moment she had left of being in his arms.

Elliot's eyes remained open as he studied her face and how vulnerable she looked, how beautiful and strong she looked even when she was trying to sleep but he knew she was awake just like she knew he was studying her.

" _Can I be honest about something?_ " Elliot lightly asked into the silence and Olivia slowly opened her eyes.

" _You can always be honest with me, El. You know that._ " She told him gingerly. Olivia watched as he bit his lip and slowly looked away like he was contemplating actually saying what he had been planning to.

" _Hey,_ " She called to him softly. When he looked back at her, she leaned forward and kissed him tenderly on the lips. He let his hands caress her lower back in return. " _I'm here for you, you can tell me anything._ " Olivia said as she pulled away.

Elliot took a deep breath.

" _You're scaring me._ " He said.

Olivia's face contorted in confusion. " _What? Why?_ " She asked genuinely clueless.

" _You won't have sex with me…_ " He said lightly, hoping that his statement wouldn't come off the wrong way but Olivia knew him too well for that. She knew that he wasn't mad or angered at her refusal to fully fuck him.

Olivia rubbed her lips together tightly. " _Okay… why does that scare you?_ " She asked.

" _You say it's not because of Harris and I believe you, I swear I do._ " Elliot made eye contact with her to let her know he was being honest. He truly did believe her. " _But I also know it's not because I'm married, I just know that's what you like to blame it on._ " He told her.

She remained silent and her face was passive.

" _I can read you like a book sometimes… it's why we're so good together. And this is one of those times._ " Elliot stated, looking at her with sad eyes.

Olivia's eyes were starting to water. This wasn't how she wanted this day to end. She didn't want to discuss this with him and she wouldn't but she also couldn't be mad at him for being concerned about her.

" _I know something happened to you… the fact that I don't know what it is, scares me._ " He let his voice drop to a whisper as his hands continued to caress her skin underneath his shirt that she wore. " _A ton of things are running through my mind and half of them are scaring the shit outta me, Liv._ "

She rubbed her lips together and nodded, letting him know that she understood and she was hearing him out.

" _Alright._ " Olivia said as calmly as she could. She removed her hands from under her pillow and wrapped them around his neck loosely so they could still look at one another. " _I wasn't raped by anyone. Not by Harris, or anyone else. So, you can knock that thought out of your mind…._ " She said eyeing him. " _I wasn't raped, ever._ " Olivia repeated once more just for his sake.

His face visibly relaxed. Apparently, this had been weighing heavy on his heart.

" _You weren't raped, ever, by anyone._ " Elliot repeated more so for himself.

Olivia gave him a small smile and nodded. She let her right hand caress his face and he leaned into her touch.

" _I believe you._ " He told her strongly.

" _I know you do._ " She responded. " _I know, you don't have to tell me that. I trust you and I know you trust me._ "

He smiled. " _I do._ " Elliot stated. " _I just wish you'd trust me enough to tell me whatever it is that happened, whatever scared you away from me._ " His eyes were filled with pain.

Olivia shook her head. " _No._ " She replied lightly. " _It is my burden to bare, not yours._ " Even though it was half his, she would never put that on him.

" _I don't want it to destroy us…_ " Elliot told her.

Olivia laughed and bit her lip as she smiled sadly at him. " _There is no 'us', remember?_ " She stated. " _Today didn't happen, just like all the other times didn't happen. You are going to go home to that beautiful little boy tomorrow._ " Olivia told him. " _And even if Kathy comes through with her threat of not wanting you in the bed, my couch is always available to you. You are always welcome here whether it's in the bed or on the couch._ " She said. " _We won't be doing anything that we did today, but don't ever think you have nowhere to go, because you do. I'll never turn you away if you need a place to crash or you need somewhere to cool down and clear your mind._ "

Elliot sucked in a deep breath. " _I care about you so fucking much, Olivia._ " He said as he pressed his forehead to hers and pulled their bodies as close together as possible.

" _This is getting dangerous._ " Olivia whispered, commenting on their affair.

" _I know…_ " Elliot replied. " _But we're backing off tomorrow, right?_ "

" _Right._ "

" _We'll be okay._ " He promised her, then leaned in to kiss her again. And that kiss turned into a mini make-out session.

Elliot wanted to talk to her more about whatever had happened to her but he decided to drop it. She wasn't going to tell him if she didn't want to and he didn't want to start a real argument with her. He cared about her deeply. He loved her.

After their make-out session, Olivia rolled over in his arms, pushing her back into his chest so he could spoon her as they fell asleep. Morning would come too soon for them. Olivia was going back to work and so was Elliot. They didn't need another day off, today was enough.

Olivia wished more than anything that she'd have good dreams but she knew the chances of that were unlikely, especially with talking about that heavy topic before going to bed. She was flooded with memories.

…

 **Flashback:**

Olivia Benson had worked at computer crimes a total of four months before transferring back into the SVU unit.

Two months into working computer crimes, she'd suffered a miscarriage of a baby that she hadn't even known existed.

It's started with stomach pains at work, she'd taken some Advil to ease the pain but during the lunch break that she always spent at her desk, she'd ended up collapsing. Her boss had found her on the floor by her desk, clearly bleeding through her pants and called a bus. The next thing Olivia knew, she had woken up in the hospital wearing a hospital gown and with a doctor telling her that he was sorry but she'd lost her baby.

" _What baby?_ " She'd wondered out loud.

It hadn't even crossed her mind that she might be pregnant. This was nearly impossible. Olivia had the birth control implant in her upper arm. It was literally a one in a million chance that she'd get pregnant but leave it to Elliot and his super sperm.

Once the doctor realized she hadn't known, he explained what had happened to her body and how miscarriages weren't so uncommon for someone her age.

" _Someone my age? I'm only thirty-eight._ " She'd told him but he just gave her a sad smile.

Her first thought was Elliot. Oh god, Elliot. It had been his. The child she was carrying had been his. Her body had rejected Elliot Stabler's child. Her body had killed their baby. A baby that she hadn't even known existed.

Silent tears made their way down her face as she thought about everything.

She didn't understand. She'd still gotten her period, there had been no morning sickness or anything like that. She'd gained a few pounds but she'd just chopped that up to stress.

Her doctor explained that sometimes with pregnancies, the female body still had a period on rare occasions and that not everyone experiences vomiting in the first trimester.

" _I've… it's um, it's already passed?_ " She asked hesitantly, trying to wipe her tears away but they kept coming. Olivia was in shock.

" _Yes ma'am. We've kept the… remains. Some families are religious and wish to bury their unborn child. We can also run the chromosome test to tell you if it was a female or male, if you'd like to know. We weren't sure what you wanted because you were unconscious._ " The doctor explained.

Olivia swallowed hard as she took the box of tissues that the doctor handed her.

" _Um… yes, I would… I'd like to bury the remains._ " Olivia told him as she thought of Elliot. She knew he was a Catholic man and that he believed life began at conception. This was his child too and even though she had already planned to never tell him about it, she would do right by what he would have wanted. " _And… um, do the test?_ " She asked him lightly. Olivia actually wanted to know what the baby would have been.

" _Of course._ " He smiled. Then another thought hit her.

" _You didn't call my emergency contact, did you?_ " Olivia asked frantically. Elliot was still listed as her emergency contact.

" _No ma'am, your boss arrived with you. She's waiting outside, we didn't need to contact anyone._ " He told her and Olivia breathed a breath of relief.

After the doctor left, her boss, Karen, made her way into the hospital room.

" _I'm sorry._ " Karen said as she sat down beside Olivia's bed.

" _I don't want anyone to know._ " Olivia told her sternly as she tried to stop her tears by wiping her face with a tissue. " _No one can know._ "

" _Okay._ " Karen nodded. " _We can tell them your sugar got too low and you passed out or that you had a dizzy spell. I was the only one in the office when I found you, everyone else had gone to lunch._ "

" _Good…_ " Olivia sniffed.

Even though the doctor hadn't directly told Karen what happened, she knew. Karen had suffered a miscarriage herself many years ago. She knew the signs.

" _You need to see a grief counselor._ " Karen told Olivia lightly.

" _No, I'm fine… I didn't even know I was pregnant…_ " Olivia confided in her boss who smiled back at her.

" _I've been here, Olivia._ " Karen revealed. " _Please, see a grief counselor._ "

Olivia sniffled again.

" _Is that an order?_ " She asked.

" _No,_ " Karen replied. " _If it was, I'd have to make a mark in your jacket. I'm not going to do that._ " She told her lightly.

" _I… I'll see a counselor._ " Olivia huffed out.

" _I'm going to give you some time off._ " Karen told her.

" _I don't need it._ " Olivia argued.

" _You will._ " Karen replied. " _You'd be surprised what your body goes through when this happens. The doctor won't let you come back to work for three days anyways. Just… take five days… see the counselor. Okay?_ "

Olivia nodded. She couldn't reply to her boss anymore and she was done with this conversation.

The hospital had given Olivia some scrubs to wear home and Olivia had arranged for the remains of her unborn child to be buried in a plot that she bought next to her mother's grave.

Grandmother and granddaughter would be side-by-side. Yes, Olivia found out from the chromosome test that the baby was female. Olivia Benson would have been the mom to a baby girl.

Still, Olivia couldn't bring herself to name the girl. Not without Elliot anyways and she wasn't telling him.

The tombstone had "Baby Girl Benson" but she made sure to leave enough room to change it to "Baby Girl Benson-Stabler" if she wanted to, she was just scared that someone would come across it and see that she and her partner had slept together and created a child. It also had the date of the miscarriage, "May 25th, 2006."

Olivia visited the grave site several times during June and July. She was true to her word and had found a grief counselor who suggested she visit the site and talk to her daughter, pour out her feeling to the child that she wasn't able to carry.

She also made a point to visit the grave every year on the date that she'd miscarried. It was calming to her for some reason.

Therapy had helped her greatly and she hadn't even realized she needed it. Olivia had never known anyone who had experienced a miscarriage until her boss had disclosed it to her. The brunette didn't know what it was like and hadn't even witnessed it second hand. This was one field where she had no knowledge.

When Olivia eventually went back to SVU, she wasn't there that long because she got dragged away for an undercover gig by Dana Lewis. She could have easily said no but she went because being around Elliot was killing her. She was still healing from her miscarriage and it hurt to see the father of her child.

It hurt her even worse later on when he'd told her Kathy was pregnant. She'd thought they might actually start something, that they might have had a relationship and she could work up to telling him about the miscarriage but then that was shot to hell.

Olivia felt stupid for thinking that, for thinking she could actually be with him. He belonged with Kathy, he always had and always would.

Around this time, she'd vowed to never get intimate with him again. She was planning on stopping all intimacy but they'd faltered and fucked up as usual. It was like Elliot and Olivia were drawn to each other. But she wouldn't sleep with him again. She was terrified of getting pregnant again and then the fear of miscarrying again was etched into her mind.

He had to go back to Kathy, he'd had no choice and she hadn't given him one either. Elliot may not have been able to be there for her and raise their child but she'd be damned if she took him away from Kathy and their new baby.

Then, much later they'd had the case that involved stolen, frozen, fertilized eggs. The case had hit home for Olivia and Elliot had pissed her off so badly without even understanding why.

They had just gotten through talking to a couple who were using their disabled daughter's eggs to have another child. It was fucked up and Olivia wanted to call child services. She and Elliot ended up talking after they left the house.

" _Parents have to make hard choices. This last pregnancy, Kathy was over forty. There was a much higher risk, risks for miscarriage, down syndrome, stuff like that._ " Elliot told her.

" _And Eli turned out perfect so you know what? Spare me the fucking speech about women having babies over forty…_ " She said angrily as she stalked off towards the car.

Elliot guessed that he struck a nerve with her. Olivia was in her forties now and she didn't have any kids.

" _You know, you'd make a great mom…_ " Elliot told her as he got into the driver's seat and shut the door.

Olivia rolled her eyes. " _Oh my god, I'm not having this conversation with you…_ " She said as she looked out her window.

" _You're great with kids… you're great with Eli…_ " He told her.

Olivia nodded her head. " _Yeah, yeah, I know…_ " She just wanted him to shut the fuck up.

Elliot cranked the car.

" _Look, maybe you should start thinking about having kids…_ " He told her.

" _Just shut the fuck up._ " She told him seriously as she turned to look at him with fire in her eyes.

" _Any way you wanna do it, I'll support you._ " He told her. She knew he meant whether she wanted to adopt or choose a donor sperm but little did he know, he'd already father a child with her. A child that her body had rejected, a child that she'd failed to keep alive in the womb.

" _You know what? Just fuck you! Fuck you, Elliot!_ " She halfway yelled at him angrily as she pushed open her door and hoped out of the car.

Elliot was confused. He was just trying to be supportive. The car drove alongside her as he tried to convince her to get back in because it was a long walk back to the precinct.

" _Fuck off, Elliot._ " Olivia yelled at him as she flipped him off and continued to walk down the side walk. Tears were in her eyes as she thought about that unborn child but she wouldn't let him see her cry. It wasn't until he finally gave up and sped off that she let the tears fall.

She'd managed to walk to a park that was mostly empty and sat down on a bench. After a good cry, she pulled out her phone to make a call.

" _Tutuola._ " Fin said into his receiver.

" _Fin…_ " Olivia said into the phone.

" _Baby girl, you okay?_ " He asked, concerned.

" _Yeah, I uh… I need you to come get me._ " She wasn't going to be able to walk back into the city. It was too long of a walk.

" _What's wrong? Where's Stabler?_ " Fin questioned.

" _I just… I'm having a bad day, okay? I need you to come get me, please?_ " She almost begged. Olivia was tired. This case had been trying for everyone and there were still a bunch of embryos out there somewhere that needed rescuing.

" _Course, you ain't gotta ask me twice._ " Fin told her.

Olivia gave him her location and he came and got her. The rode back to the station together in silence. She'd asked him not to ask any questions or say anything to Cragen and he obeyed. Fin was a good friend that Olivia could always count on. He'd had her back for years and she trusted him.

…

 **Present Day:**

Olivia awoke with the unborn child on her mind. She hated mornings like this where she was reminded of how she had become so close to being a mother but her body had thought otherwise. A part of Olivia thought that maybe it was the universe punishing her for sleeping with a married man.

She turned over to see Elliot facing her but laying on his stomach.

After looking at the clock, she reached over and lightly smacked his ass. His eyes popped open and narrowed at her as he cocked an eyebrow at her assault of his butt.

" _It's time to get up…_ " She told him. " _We have to be at work soon and we can't both show up at the same time._ "

" _It's not like anyone would notice._ " Elliot mumbled into his pillow as he closed his eyes. " _I pick you up all the time because I drive into the city from my house…_ "

Olivia sighed. He was right but she didn't know that she could handle a car ride to work with him this morning. Not after everything they'd done the day before.

" _Come on…_ " She coaxed him out of bed. " _You need to leave soon so you can get dressed at the precinct._ " Olivia told him. " _You still have your extra change of clothes there, right?_ " She asked.

" _So, I take it you're keeping my shirt then?_ " Elliot asked, opening an eye to look at her.

" _Duh._ " She responded. And she did. She kept it.

Elliot got up and put on his jeans and tank top. He made it to the precinct just in time to head to the locker room and change before everyone arrived. Truthfully, he could have gone home and gotten more clothes but Kathy would have questioned that and it probably would have developed into a fight that he wouldn't have wanted.

Olivia arrived about thirty minutes after Elliot with her hair fixed and make-up on. Each pretending that the previous day never happened.

It would be their secret.

 **So, I did not come up with the pregnancy/miscarriage idea on my own. Martybaby313 suggested it in a message to me and I thought it was a great idea so I worked it in.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Oh my gosh! Y'all leave some of the sweetest comments! Thank you so much for liking this story and thanks for the suggestions that I get through messages and comments. Some of them I add, some I don't, but I'm grateful for all.**

 **I'm flying out on Monday to attend the National Sexual Assault Conference in Dallas. I'll be away from home for two weeks. I'm not sure if I'll be able to update or not, but I'll try.**

Olivia had been dreading Eli's birthday party. She wanted to go because the little boy had requested her presence, which seemed nearly impossible because he was only two. He knew words but wasn't good at forming full sentences. Olivia had seen the boy several times since he was conceived.

She'd been to the baby shower, which had almost killed her and that very day had ended with Olivia pouring herself into bed, crying in sadness at the baby shower her own body robbed her of. It'd been on hell of a day and had taken a toll on her emotionally.

Kathy had brought Eli up to the precinct a hand full of times before he was one-year-old to see Elliot during their lunch break. Olivia had held the boy each time and even kept him occupied a few times as Elliot and Kathy went up to the cribs to have a small discussion or argument.

The brunette had gotten emotional a couple of times while holding the baby, thinking about how it would have been if it were her own, her own little girl that she never got to hold.

Elliot had even caught her once with tears in her eyes but he just gave her a sad smile and allowed her to continue holding Eli for a bit longer. He'd figured it was Olivia being emotional about her biological clock ticking or maybe about how scary it had been on the day Eli was born.

Olivia loved Eli as if he were her own, and not just because she loved Elliot. She would have cared for that little boy even if she and Elliot had only been partners and best friends, even if she'd never had a miscarriage. None of her friends had children except for Elliot. She'd met Fin after his son was grown and Munch had never had kids with any of his wives. Casey nor Alex had kids either.

She'd attended Eli's first birthday party, bringing him an interactive book about police officers and firefighters, complete with sounds and bright colors. He'd loved it. All of the Stabler children had come and each one had given her a warm welcome minus Dickie but that was normal for the teenage boy, who didn't interact much with the party anyways because he'd rather be out with friends.

However, to Olivia's surprise, she ended up not being able to go to Eli's second birthday party.

" _I'm sorry, Kathy…_ " Olivia said into the phone. She was kind of relieved she didn't have to go but she hated that she felt like shit, she knew she sounded like shit too.

" _It's okay, Liv._ " Kathy lightly laughed into the phone. " _We understand. Don't we, buddy?_ " The blonde directed towards the toddler sitting in her lap. Then the brunette heard a " _Livia!_ " being loudly said into the phone accompanied by more of Kathy's small laughs.

" _I'll send his present with Elliot whenever I see him._ " Olivia said as she smiled from hearing the little boy's voice.

" _Speaking of Elliot…_ " Kathy stated. " _He's on his way to your apartment right now with soup._ "

" _What? Why?_ " Olivia asked. She was almost annoyed. Of course Elliot would find some way to stop by and check on her.

" _Because you don't have anyone to make you soup when you're sick._ " The blonde said, as if the answer should have been obvious.

Olivia rolled her eyes and groaned inwardly as she laid on her couch in her pajamas under her blanket.

" _You didn't have to, Kath…_ " She said through her stuffy nose as she sniffled. Olivia felt guilty. Elliot's wife shouldn't be making her soup but she did appreciate the gesture and to be honest, she was quite hungry and having problems keeping takeout food in her stomach.

" _I know._ "

" _I wish you hadn't._ " Olivia half whispered in her couch medicine induced state.

Kathy smiled to herself. " _I know that too._ "

Elliot's wife was well aware that Olivia was a strong, independent woman who had been on her own for her entire life but Kathy had come from a large family and so had her husband, and together, they'd created another large family. She couldn't help but feel bad for Olivia sometimes.

" _Just do me a favor,_ " Kathy said. " _Don't give my husband the flu, okay?_ " Olivia snorted in laughter as she heard Eli pipe up again saying, " _Foo?_ "

" _I'll try not to give El the 'foo',_ " Olivia said, mimicking Eli. " _Thanks, Kathy._ "

The two women said their goodbyes and hung up. Olivia hated herself some days. This was one of those days. Elliot, the married man that Olivia cared for, was bring her soup made by his wife specifically for her. Jesus, what a fucked up scenario.

She heard a knock on the door.

" _It's open!_ " Olivia yelled hoarsely.

" _You always invite strangers into your home?_ " He asked, raising his eyebrows as he entered her apartment with what was presumably a container full of soup.

Olivia looked at him from her position on the couch and rolled her eyes.

" _I knew it was you._ "

He scoffed. " _No, you didn't._ "

Olivia huffed. " _Yeah, I did._ "

" _How?_ "

" _I just got off the phone with Kathy and Eli…_ " She told him, giving him a look as he set the soup down on her counter.

" _Oh…_ " Was all he said. Elliot knew the brunette was sometimes uncomfortable talking to Kathy. It was probably better that Eli was also on the phone with his wife. Elliot knew Olivia loved to talk to the little boy.

" _Yeah. Thanks for bringing the soup._ " Olivia said in a small voice. Then she sneezed.

Elliot saw the thermometer on the counter and grabbed it. " _Put this in your mouth._ " He said as he walked over to her and mashed the button on the digital thermometer to turn it on.

" _I'm not one of your kids._ " She said, pushing the thermometer away from her. " _You need to go to work. Fin says we caught a case._ "

Elliot huffed. " _Fin shouldn't be feeding you information and 'I' caught a case. You're off duty._ "

Olivia rolled her eyes again as she snuggled herself deeper into the couch and reached for the TV remote.

" _You should be in bed resting._ " Elliot commented as he sat on the coffee table in front of her, giving up on trying to take her temperature. " _Eat some soup and take some more medicine._ " He commanded in a fatherly tone. He couldn't help it.

" _Yes, daddy._ " She said sarcastically but she instantly regretted it when she saw his face contorted into amusement as he eyebrows raised slowly.

" _Oh, god. Stop._ " Olivia told him quickly as she realized his mind was in the gutter. " _Come on, El._ " She whined, not wanting to play his game. " _I have the flu…_ "

He laughed and dropped the subject but if she hadn't been sick, he would have definitely given her a hard time about the comment.

" _Just eat and take the meds, okay?_ " Elliot asked and Olivia nodded.

As he began to walk towards the door she stopped him with her voice. " _Hey, El?_ "

" _Yeah?_ " He turned around, looking at her.

" _Eli's gift is on the counter by the coffee pot._ " She told him, pulling a hand out from under her blanket to point towards the kitchen. Elliot walked over and grabbed the light blue gift bag.

" _What'd you get him?_ " He asked out of curiosity.

" _Superman and Batman Legos…_ " Olivia said. " _And the ones for toddlers, you know, the ones that don't have any tiny pieces that he could swallow or anything._ " She told him, sniffling again and fighting off another sneeze.

Elliot smiled. " _He'll love it, Liv._ "

She smiled back.

Elliot then left, heading to the crime scene where he was supposed to meet up with Fin. A biker had been murdered. They ended up finding Olivia's card on him. Elliot had made a trip back to her apartment to show her Clyde's file but Olivia claimed she didn't know him. Then more evidence came in and a partial license plate was revealed.

One person it matched up to was Olivia Benson. Cragen made a special trip to her apartment and she walked him down to the parking garage where she kept her black mustang. Unfortunately, it looked like Olivia was being set up for Clyde's murder.

Things only progressed from there and Lt. Ed Tucker ended up arresting her for murder. Remembering how terrible Sealview had been, Olivia opted to speak with Tucker in an interview room to clear her name. Somehow, they had her DNA on the knife used to sever Clyde's genitals and Olivia was sent to lock up.

She still had the flu and was slightly scared of being put back in jail. Olivia knew she was innocent but a cop being in jail was not a good thing.

Olivia sat with her left wrist cuffed to a pole while she sat on a bench at central booking. They were nice enough to not make her sit in a cell with the rest of the population. If they had, she'd probably been beaten up by now. Everyone would know she was a cop and they'd all come after her. Still having the flu, Olivia wouldn't have been able to defend herself and right now with the way things were going, she wasn't sure she would have wanted to.

Her world was slowly crashing down, or at least that's how it felt. Maybe the flu was making everything seem worse than it really was.

She was too tired to cry and too tired to fight. Olivia was even too tired to deck Langan when he walked up to her as she was sitting on the bench.

" _I always thought it'd be your partner that I'd find here._ " He commented to her with a small smile.

" _Keep walking…_ " Olivia sighed, not wishing to look at him. " _You don't want to keep one of your scummy clients waiting…_ "

He pressed his lips together. " _That scummy client is you._ " He told her.

" _Even if I wanted your representation, trust me, I can't afford it._ " Olivia told him firmly and remained propped between the pole that she was cuffed to and the wall behind her.

" _My retainer has already been paid…_ " Trevor told her lightly as he sat down beside her. Her instinct was to pull away but being cuffed to the pole, she could only move so far.

" _By who?_ " She asked in a mixture of confusion and surprise.

" _Concerned friends…_ "

Olivia knew Elliot wouldn't have signed on for Langan being her attorney, not with what he knew about Alex. He would have suggested Rita or someone else that they knew. It must have been Cragen and maybe Fin and Munch had pitched in. She knew Elliot was still out trying to track down Clyde's real killer.

She nodded at his reply, being forced to accept his services because he'd already been paid and she wasn't going to waste her friends' money.

" _It's nice you're getting special treatment, they let you stay out here instead of throwing you in the bullpen…_ "

" _Yeah…_ " Olivia huffed, glancing down the hall just so she wouldn't have to stare at him anymore. " _I'm getting breaks all over the place…_ " She said sarcastically.

Trevor opened his briefcase and took out his pen and pad in case he needed to make notes.

" _It won't be your friend Alex Cabot throwing softballs to us in court. Public Integrity handles all criminal misconduct by cops._ " He explained even though Olivia knew the routine.

Her eyes shot back to his when he mentioned Alex's name. It had stung. She briefly wondered if he called out Alex's name when he climaxed… Fuck him for having the audacity to say her name in front of Olivia.

Langan was clearly thrown by her instantly angry facial expression, he was confused as to what had caused it. He continued none the less.

" _We'll go over alternate theories of the crime later._ " He told her.

Olivia's eyes narrowed at him. " _You're assuming I'm guilty… that I actually committed murder…_ " She stated.

" _I…_ " Trevor took a deep breath. " _Of course not… sorry, I'm just use to…_ "

" _Representing the scum of the Earth?_ " She asked arching an eyebrow.

" _Yeah…_ " He sighed.

Olivia was tired. She was drained emotionally and energy wise. The flu was kicking her ass and now she was literally being thrown in jail.

" _This is normally where I just introduce myself, explain how arraignment works but you already know all of that._ " He told her, giving her a sympathetic look. Olivia felt like she was going to vomit and she had done so several times earlier in the morning at the precinct but that was all due to the flu.

Langan seemed genuinely sorry that Olivia was in this predicament. He acted like he was actually going to do everything in his power to help her and that threw Olivia off kilter. She was so use to him being a scumbag.

" _We only have a few minutes,_ " Trevor said, looking at her. " _Is there anything else I can do, anything you need me to do before arraignment?_ " He asked.

Olivia huffed and closed her eyes and she leaned her head back, letting it lightly hit the concrete wall behind her.

" _I know you have the flu._ " He said, taking in her puffy eyes and red, runny nose. " _I can see if they'll let you have some cold meds. Of course, they'll probably wanted you tested for the flu before they give you anything but I can see?_ "

" _You know,_ " Olivia began slowly and taking a deep breath. " _I promised myself that the next time I saw you, I'd punch you square in the nose but I hadn't counted on the next time I saw you would be when you were my defense attorney while I was sitting in jail for murder…_ " What could it hurt to tell him? She needed to get it off her chest anyways since he was going to be her attorney and she surly wasn't going to reach out to Alex. That would never happen, never again.

" _Excuse me?_ " He asked in surprise as he leaned back slightly as if she might in fact hit him and his eyebrows raised.

" _Yeah… but I've changed my mind. You're being too nice to me… I won't hit you._ " She told him as she bit her bottom lip and stared at a place on the wall across the hallway.

" _Did I piss you off on the last case we worked? Because I've gotta say, that was a while ago._ " He commented. " _That's a long time to hold a grudge…_ "

Olivia shook her head as she tried to readjust her body on the bench to keep her ass from falling asleep.

" _No._ " She replied.

" _What did I do?_ " He asked, actually intrigued at what he could have done to her since he hadn't seen her in a long time.

" _You slept with Alex…_ " Olivia whispered as she looked at him to take in his face. She wanted to know if he knew she and Alex had been together, if he knew what he'd done.

Trevor drew his eyebrows together in confusion with a small smile appearing on his face.

" _Alex and I are fine… I haven't done anything to piss her off so you shouldn't be mad at me. I know you women stick together, especially when you're close friends but…_ " Trevor gazed at the ceiling for a moment before continuing. " _Alex and I are fine. We're on good terms so whatever she's told you, I didn't do it or at least I don't think I did._ "

He could understand if he had cheated on Alex and her friends hated him or something like that but Trevor and the blonde were still on good terms so he was confused as to where Olivia's anger was coming from.

Olivia cleared her throat.

" _Let me rephrase._ " She said with fire in her eyes and a touch of anger. " _You slept with Alex while I was sleeping with Alex…_ "

That did it. Trevor Langan definitely received the shock of a lifetime with that statement. There was no way he was faking his emotions now. Olivia could tell he was sincerely shocked as his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open slightly.

" _I um…_ " He was at a loss for words. " _I… I'm sorry, Olivia. I had no idea she was… that you two were…_ " He was flabbergasted. " _She's bisexual?_ " Trevor asked in confusion as he eyes widened, looking to Olivia. Then he raised his eyebrows again. " _You're bisexual?_ "

Olivia bit her lower lip again to keep herself from laughing at him. It was actually hilarious to watch him put two and two together in his mind. She could almost hear the gears in his head turning.

" _I don't like labels._ " Olivia told him strongly. " _And we weren't in a full blown relationship, it was casual._ " She replied. " _But it still…_ "

" _Hurt…_ " Trevor finished for her, nodding his head. " _I'm sorry. I didn't know. I wouldn't have… been with her if I had known there was someone else._ " He bit his lip. " _Even if it was casual… she should have told you._ "

He was right. Alex should have told Olivia. It's important to know all the sexual partners involved in the scenario, especially when STIs and STDs are coming in at such high rates these days but Olivia also should have told Alex about Elliot. Not that Trevor, Alex, Olivia, or Elliot would have an STD or STI… but still.

Olivia continued to stare at him. " _I think this is the first time we've ever agreed on something…_ "

" _I know I'm a defense attorney for scumbags, Olivia. But I'd never stoop that low. I'd never sleep with someone who was already taken, causal or not._ " He told her confidently.

" _Then you're a better person than me._ " She whispered hoarsely, looking away.

" _What?_ " He asked, concerned.

" _Nothing, nothing._ " She replied, clearing her throat again then giving him a light smile. " _I'm not mad… anymore, I just… honestly, I'm not sure why I said anything to begin with._ " It was probably better that she did. If she was truly about to be drug through a murder trial, she needed to get it off her chest and be on the best terms possible with her defense attorney.

Trevor shrugged. " _I'm glad you told me._ " He said. " _Do you want me to-_ "

" _I don't care if you stay with her or leave her. I don't wish to know anything about the nature of your relationship with Alex Cabot._ " Olivia said, cutting him off quickly and shaking her head vigorously to stop him from speaking before he said anything she didn't want to hear. " _Alex and I are done for good. You are free to do what you want._ " She told him almost harshly. " _I don't even care if you inform her that I've told you._ "

He nodded, understanding that she wished to end their conversation now and he gave her a small smile.

" _Thanks for not punching me…_ " He told her, trying to lighten the mood which was hard to do considering Olivia was literally about to go to jail for murder on top of having the flu.

Olivia nodded her head and shrugged. " _The flu's made me weak… I wouldn't have gotten a good punch in anyways._ "

Trevor snorted at her comment.

" _Arraignment is in a few hours. I'll meet you there. I'll do my best to get you ROR._ " He told her, getting back to business.

" _I doubt they'll release me on my own recognizance. They have my fucking DNA…_ " She huffed.

And Olivia was right. The judge didn't fall for it. Even though Olivia was a decorated officer with significant ties to the community, they set her bail for $250,000 cash or bond. There was no way in hell Olivia could afford that. She'd be held in Rikers until her trial.

A mixture of terror and shock entered her body and she looked at Trevor in fear. Her mind flashed back to Sealview. There was no doubt she'd be assaulted in jail in some form and with this damn flu, she wouldn't even be strong enough to defend herself.

" _I'll get you out of there._ " Trevor leaned down and whispered to her as the court officer escorted her out.

" _We have friends at Rikers, I'll make sure they stop by and say hello…_ " A biker leaned over and told her as she exited the room.

Olivia's eyes began to water and this time, it wasn't from the flu. Her watery eyes met Trevor's as she glanced at him. He'd also heard the spoken threat.

She was already being set up to be harmed and she hadn't even arrived at the jail yet.

As it turns out, Olivia barely even have time to be processed. Her bail was posted just as she was about to be transferred into the population at Rikers. She was so confused. Who the hell would have posted her bail? Who did she know that cared about her enough that also had $250,000 dollars laying around?

After she was dressed in her original clothing and walking to the main entrance to sign herself out, she saw Elliot.

" _Elliot, what the fuck did you do?_ " She asked him in disbelief.

" _Come on, sign out so we can go._ " He told her, pointing to the desk clerk who was waiting for her signature.

There was only one explanation as to where he got the money from.

Olivia shook her head. " _Does Kathy know you mortgaged your house for me?_ " She asked him, still in disbelief.

" _I wasn't gonna let you get shived in Rikers… or worse._ " Elliot wasn't going to say "raped". He wasn't going to use that word. Not now, not in this situation.

" _You're insane._ " She told him as she grabbed the bag that contained her cellphone, wallet, and identification.

He shrugged. " _You're innocent._ " Elliot was making this a lighter topic than it should be. " _And Liv?_ " He called to her.

She turned around to look at him as she opened the door to exit the building.

" _Eli loved your present._ " He told her with a small smile, hoping to give her something good to think about.

" _I swear to god you better have made it to his party. I don't care that I was in jail. You better have made it to his party._ " She told him fiercely with a stern face.

He laughed a small laugh. " _I spent an hour there. That was long enough to watch him blow out candles, eat cake, and open presents._ "

She shook her head as they walked to the car. She was relieved that he'd made it. She wouldn't have forgiven herself if he had missed his son turning two because of her problems.

Olivia was on house arrest technically. She wasn't allowed to help with the case now that she was the main suspect and she wasn't allowed to leave the city. So, Olivia sat at home, getting over the flu as Elliot and her other coworkers figured out who the real killer was and where her DNA came from.

Once Elliot figured it out, it was too late. The man who'd set Olivia up had barged into her apartment and attacked her. He had been a past perp that she'd put in jail, who she'd told would be raped in prison and he was, only he thought Olivia had set it up, that she had arranged for him to be raped. So, he'd set out to set her up for murder.

Olivia ended up getting the upper hand in the fight and tasered him. Elliot finally made it to her apartment but only after she'd taken her attacker down.

" _You okay?_ " He asked, making it to her bedroom and seeing them both on the floor.

" _Yeah, I think I'm finally getting over this damn flu…_ " She'd told him.

She was officially off the hook. The flu had kicked her ass so Olivia took an extra two days to fully recover. The entire case had taken a toll on her. She was exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally.

The probability of going to prison had terrified her. Not just because she didn't want to spend the rest of her life in prison but because of all the things that they'd do to her in jail had constantly ran through her mind.

On the night of her first day off after she was no longer on the hook for murder, Elliot showed up at her door. He knocked and she looked through the peephole.

" _What are you doing here?_ " She asked through the wooden door.

" _I wanted to check up on you… see if you were okay._ "

" _I'm fine._ " She told him.

" _You gonna let me in?_ " He asked.

" _No._ " Came her small reply as she rested her forehead against the door.

" _Why not?_ " He asked as he braced his hands on the front of her door. Elliot could almost feel her emotion seeping through.

" _I know why you're here, El._ " Olivia said sadly.

" _I'm just here to make sure you're okay, Liv._ "

" _I bet your dick's twitching at the sound of my voice…_ " She whispered through the door, boldly.

" _You know me better than that. I'd never, ever come here for that._ " Elliot told her. " _I've never in all the time we've been doing this, I've never come to you and asked for that. Not once._ " He said fiercely. " _And fuck you for thinking I would._ " Elliot added lowly with a touch of anger in his voice.

Olivia had known that, but she was just trying to piss him off so he'd go away.

" _Let me in._ " He demanded.

" _No._ " She replied strongly.

" _Why not?_ " He asked.

" _Because._ " Olivia replied like a teenager.

" _Because why?_ "

" _Because if I let you in, you'll give me what I need._ " She said, dropping her voice to a whisper again. " _And we can't do that. It's too soon. We have to space these… things out. I can't falter this soon, not after the day we just had._ " Olivia told him, referring to the day that they'd spent together two weeks ago, doing things a married man shouldn't do with someone who isn't his wife.

" _So, just let me in and I'll just be here for you, Liv._ " Elliot whispered to her. " _You've just been through hell._ " He explained. " _You don't have to tell me how terrified you were of being in jail… I know it reminded you of Sealview._ "

" _You should go…_ "

Elliot looked down as he realized her voice was coming from near the ground on the other side of the door. She must have slid down the door while he was talking. He sat down on the ground outside of her apartment.

" _I'm here for you, Olivia._ " He told her strongly. " _You're my partner, for better or worse…_ " He added and the words nearly broke her.

He heard her sniffling, signaling that she was crying.

" _Let me in…_ " Elliot almost begged. " _You don't always have to be alone._ "

After a few shuffling sounds, he stood up because he heard the lock on her door being undone. Then it opened just a crack. She was giving him permission to enter her apartment but she wasn't going to hold the door open for him.

Elliot pushed it open as he entered, seeing her walking towards the kitchen and facing away from him.

He walked up behind her and lightly grabbed her wrist, giving it a tug and when she turned around, she buried her face in his chest.

" _I've got you._ " He whispered as he wrapped her up in his arms. " _I've got you and the only thing we're gonna do tonight is hang out and we can even talk if you want, but that's it. I swear._ " She'd made it clear that she didn't want to do anything sexual even if she did "need" it and even if she asked for it, Elliot wouldn't give in. Not tonight, because he knew it was against her internal wishes.

Olivia was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt. Even though she was mostly over the flu, she was still tired.

Elliot tenderly rubbed her back as he felt her hot tears fall onto his work shirt. She only loosely hugged him back.

" _You shouldn't have mortgaged your house for me…_ " She mumbled into his shirt as she sniffled.

" _I'd die before I let you get sexually assaulted in jail…_ " He said firmly, tightening his grip on her.

She wrapped her arms tighter around his waist.

" _Did Kathy ever find out?_ " She wondered out loud.

Elliot licked his lips and pressed them together tightly.

" _Kathy knew when I did it, Liv._ "

This made her pull out of his embrace so she could look at him in surprise.

" _What?_ " She asked suddenly.

" _The house is in both of our names… the bondsman needed both of our signatures._ " He explained.

Olivia wiped her nose on the back of her hand and looked away from him, wiping the tears off her face.

" _Does she hate me?_ "

" _God, no._ " Elliot replied. " _She knows what happens to cops in jail… she knew you were innocent._ "

Olivia shook her head. " _I wish you would have told me that when you bailed me out…_ "

" _Would it have made a difference?_ " He asked.

" _Yeah, yeah it would have._ "

" _Sorry._ " He offered her with a shrug. " _We had bigger fish to fry at the time._ "

Elliot glanced towards her bedroom.

" _Come on, you need to go to bed._ " He said, guiding her to the bedroom.

" _I-_ "

" _We're gonna sleep._ " He explained, cutting her off from whatever train of thought she was having.

And he was true to his word. She got under the covers and situated on her right side. Elliot took his tie off, along with his shoes and belt but left his work pants and shirt on. He even got on top of the covers behind her.

Then he wrapped his right arm around her waist and held her, pulling her back against his chest with the covers being a barrier between them. Her hair smelled nice, just like her shampoo.

He heard her sniffle and realized she was crying silent tears again.

" _I've got you, Liv._ " He cooed. " _You're okay. Everything is gonna be fine._ " He promised her.

" _You know, I talked to Langan…_ " Olivia said, trying to get her mind off everything else that had happened.

" _I've been meaning to ask you how that was, seeing him and all. No extra charges were added to your wrap so I guess you didn't punch him?_ " Elliot asked, earning him a smile from her even though he couldn't see it because all the lights were off.

" _He didn't know… about me and Alex._ " She said in a small voice.

" _But he does now, huh?_ "

" _Yeah… he was nice though. Apologized… offered to back off._ " Olivia told him.

" _What'd you say?_ " Elliot asked.

" _I told him he could have her. I'm done with that relationship._ "

Elliot nodded behind her in understanding. " _Alright._ " He said.

She moved out of his arms momentarily to reach over and grab a tissue from her night stand. Olivia used it to wipe her face off but kept it in her hand because she figured she'd need it a few more times.

Elliot pressed his forehead against the back of her head as he closed his eyes.

" _I'd never let anything bad happen to you if I could help it. You know that._ " He told her carefully.

" _I was threatened…_ " She whispered to him.

His eyes opened and he was more alert now. " _When?_ " He demanded, wanting to know if the threat was still standing and if he needed to place a cop outside her apartment building again.

" _After arraignment, when I was walking out of court… one of the bikers told me they had friends at Rikers and they'd make sure their friends stopped by and said hello…_ " Olivia began to shake. " _I was already being set up to be raped before I even made it to Rikers…_ "

" _Lift your head up._ " He said gently and she did as she was told. Elliot slipped his left arm over her left shoulder, laying it straight across her pillow and she rested her head down on his upper arm.

His arm around her waist tightened slightly.

" _You're okay now._ " He told her as he kissed the back of her head for comfort.

Olivia lifted her hand with the tissue to wipe the fresh tears that came.

" _Where does Kathy think you are?_ " She asked him, hoping to change the subject again.

" _She knows exactly where I am, Liv._ " He whispered to her.

" _You told her you were coming here?_ "

" _Yes._ "

" _Why?_ " Olivia momentarily panicked.

" _Because it's the truth._ " Elliot replied, surprising them both.

" _What if she…_ "

" _She told me to come, to make sure you were okay. And that if I didn't make it home tonight, she'd understand._ " He told her lightly.

" _That's crazy Elliot. There's no way your wife is okay with that._ " Olivia replied, now concerned and almost alarmed.

" _I may have also mentioned that I needed to finish some things up on your case at work and that if it was too late, I'd crash in the cribs…_ " He told her. And there it was. The part of the story that made sense.

Olivia released a breath of relief.

 **How was this chapter? Thoughts?**


	8. Chapter 8

**I've been in Dallas for the National Sexual Assault Conference, which was awesome by the way. Everyone attending was offered to attend a screening of "I AM EVIDENCE" which is Mariska's documentary. It was amazing, I cried, and you get to hear Mariska say "Fuck you".**

" _I told you detective, I can press-_ "

" _Shhhh…_ " Olivia hummed as she walked slowly closer to him. " _Let's cut to the chase, Nigel._ " She said, then lightly put her hand over her cleavage. " _May I call you Nigel?_ " She asked seductively.

Nigel's face changed and contorted in a mixture of confusion and arousal but nodded slowly.

The brunette detective gave him a small smile as she glanced around the room, taking her hand out of her trench coat pocket.

" _You see Nigel… I know that men have needs…._ " She shot him another seductive smile. His mouth was agape.

" _But when a wife can't fill those needs… men have to look elsewhere…_ " She continued, eyeing him. Olivia had on heavy eye liner and eyeshadow on purpose. She'd even re-applied her lipstick as well.

Elliot was listening in on the wiretap that they'd put on her for security purposes. If he was being honest, he about died when she walked out in front of him and Ash Ramsey. Her make-up, the high heeled leather boots. She was killing him, she was killing them both really and probably any man in the vicinity that could see her.

" _Yes…_ " Nigel agreed hesitantly.

" _But sometimes, those needs are misunderstood…_ " Olivia lowered her voice to a whisper as she tilted her head down and looked at the him with hooded eyes.

Olivia's voice went straight to Elliot's groin. He couldn't help it. Her voice was going straight to Nigel's groin for that matter too.

" _Those needs are sometimes judged unfairly by society…_ " Olivia continued as she walked around the chair in Nigel's office, getting closer to the man who was now practically drooling over the seasoned detective.

The brunette tugged tightly on her trench coat, straightening it out before speaking again.

" _On your knees, worm._ " She seductively demanded. Nigel stared at her in astonishment.

" _Now!_ " She yelled at him with force.

He instantly dropped to his knees and outside the office door, Ramsey readied himself with the camera.

" _I want you to lick my boot…_ " Olivia said. " _Lick it!_ " She yelled at the man who instantly darted out his tongue and began licking her leather boot up and down as Ramsey ran in to snap photos.

Nigel looked up instantly as the camera's flash went off.

" _Get up!_ " Olivia ordered after Ramsey had gotten his photos. She was trying not to be too harsh on Nigel. She wanted him to know that she was pissed and judging him for helping Ann steal money, and not judging him on what he did with his sex life and what he liked in the bedroom.

Ever since this thing between her and Elliot got started, she was always trying not to judge other people in their personal lives. Not like she'd judged them much before. Usually, she didn't care unless something was bad for kids or to that effect but now, she didn't always look down on cheating spouses or dating couples, at least not until she knew the whole story.

Olivia tried to think that she was at least better in some ways. She wasn't having some kind of full blown affair and Elliot clearly wasn't happy at home half the time. She'd also backed off when his wife had been pregnant. Sure, she wasn't a saint but that had to count for something, right?

" _You owe me a new pair of fucking boots._ " She told Ramsey.

" _This picture is worth ten pair of Prada…_ " He'd commented and she'd just snorted. Like Olivia Benson could ever afford Prada boots. Yes, the boots she had on were nice, they were her sexy boots in her opinion, the ones she saved for dates and nights out but they weren't designer. Not on a detective's salary.

They talked Nigel into pressing charges against Ann via back mailing him with the photos Ramsey had taken.

" _I'm going to go get a couple of these printed off in case Nigel gets cold feet and needs a reminder…_ " Ash told Olivia, opting to walk down the street instead of head back to the car across the street where Elliot was sitting in the driver's seat waiting on them.

Olivia gave him a nod and headed towards Elliot. Upon climbing into the passenger's side, she saw that his jacket had been taken off and was sitting in his lap.

She eyed him cautiously.

" _Ash isn't coming with us, he's going to print off a couple of those photos just in case…_ "

Elliot nodded and put the car into drive, slowly pulling away from the curb.

" _You gonna remove your jacket from your lap?_ " Olivia asked lightly, giving him a side glance.

" _Wasn't planning on it._ " Elliot simply replied without looking at her.

" _Is it for the reason I'm thinking it is?_ " She asked him, now fully turning to look at him. His face was slightly flushed, she knew he was turned on. She knew he would be when he was listening to her on the feedback monitor, she just wasn't sure how much it'd affect him.

" _Probably…_ " Elliot shrugged as he lightly pushed on the break due to the upcoming red light.

Olivia gently reached over and removed the jacket.

" _Jesus…_ " She commented as she looked at his erection. Elliot was fully hard, that much was clear, but her voice shouldn't have done that to him, not her voice alone. It'd been a couple of months since they'd done anything.

If he was getting that hard this easily, it was proof that he wasn't getting laid at home, which is what Olivia was beginning to suspect.

Elliot only closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as he came to a complete stop at the red light.

" _Please, just put the jacket back…_ " He whispered in a mixture of pain and embarrassment.

" _You really not getting any at home, are you?_ " Olivia asked, throwing the jacket in the back seat instead of listening to his wishes.

Elliot only huffed in response, then started driving again as the light turned green.

Olivia bit her lip and thought for a moment. She knew what she wanted to do but she also knew she shouldn't do it.

" _I'm gonna take a quick cold shower when I get back…_ " He told her, bringing her out of her thoughts. Truth be told, Elliot hadn't decided if he was just going to take a cold shower, or going to get off in the shower.

" _And walk through the squad room with that?_ " She asked, nodding towards his lap in seriousness.

But Elliot was off, he was acting out of sorts.

" _Don't do this to me…_ " He whispered as she shook his head from side-to-side. " _Don't give me crap, please, not about this. I can't control it. You know that, you know that's how it works…_ " Elliot huffed again and then sighed as if it were a losing battle.

Olivia's mouth hung open slightly. She hadn't been trying to give him a hard time or make fun of him.

" _Pull over._ " She demanded instantly.

" _No._ " He shot back.

" _Now, or I do it for you…_ " She responded, placing her hand on the wheel.

Elliot had no doubt that she would keep her word so he rolled his eyes and pulled the car into a vacant alley that was familiar to both of them.

" _What?_ " He nearly groaned as he looked at her, but her face was soft and full of concern.

" _This isn't just about the erection, is it?_ " Olivia asked him carefully.

" _I'm fine._ " Was his immediate response.

She almost chuckled.

" _That's my line…_ " Olivia told him. " _Things aren't okay at home, are they?_ " She asked quietly.

Elliot bit his lip. " _Everything's fine, Liv._ " He told her.

" _It's not, I can tell. But you don't have to tell me what's going on. I just wanted to know if you were okay…_ " She confessed, giving him a small smile.

Elliot sighed and shook his head, closing his eyes tightly. He didn't want to talk to Olivia about his marriage or the other stuff that was going on with him, not right now. She didn't deserve to have him dump all of his shit on her, especially with the way things had been going with them lately.

He didn't have long to contemplate his thoughts though, because the next thing he knew, he felt her hand on his pants, undoing the button quickly and then starting to pull down the zipper.

Elliot's hands flew to her instantly, stilling their movements.

" _No._ " He said firmly, shooting her a look.

Olivia's hands stopped moving immediately. He was revoking consent, and while it stung a little, she would respect his wishes.

" _Why?_ " She asked, but he was aware she'd stopped moving against him. She was respectful, always had been and always would be.

" _Because._ " He answered flatly, removing his hands from hers and gazing out his window so he wouldn't have to look at her.

Olivia placed her hands back in her lap, trying to think of what to say.

" _Because why?_ " She asked again, trying to catch his eyes but it was no use, he was looking all the way to his left. " _I thought you liked it when I…_ "

" _I do._ " He said, turning and shooting her a look. " _I do, Liv. But you don't, not unless there's a reason behind it and then… it's just complicated, okay?_ " Elliot tried.

She bit her lip, contemplating where she should go from here.

" _I do like it too, El._ " Olivia said softly. He almost scoffed.

He shook his head again and began staring out the windshield.

" _No, you don't. Not unless it's necessary. It's not necessary now so you don't want to do it and to be honest, that's fine, Liv. I have other ways to get my needs filled._ "

Ouch. Damn, she hoped to god he hadn't been referring to Kathy just then because that sentence stung too. But he was hurting, that much was clear to her, she just wasn't sure why.

" _Don't tell me what I do and don't like._ " Olivia told him lightly. " _I'm a grown woman… if I want to suck my partner's cock, then that's what I want to do…_ "

He looked at her after that statement and saw that she was shooting him a smile. Elliot bit the inside of his cheek and lightly laughed.

" _I want to do this, I don't mind it, and I think you do need it, if you really want me to justify it in some way…_ " Olivia stated. " _So, I'm going to ask you again… can I do this? Because you've stopped me once and I won't start back, not until I have your permission._ "

Elliot eyed her, he was contemplating what she was saying, weighing her words.

" _Okay…_ " He said in a hushed voice as he took a deep breath.

" _Okay?_ " She asked again for concern and consent purposes.

" _Yeah…_ " Elliot nodded and readjusted himself in his seat, leaning back more.

Then Olivia did something that she usually doesn't do. She leaned forward and grabbed his chin with her right hand, and planted a tender kiss on his cheek. Elliot's eyes closed briefly at the contact and comfort, like he was soaking it up, like it would be a long time before something like that happened to him again.

That was all the confirmation she needed to know that he wasn't okay, that things with Kathy were not okay. And not just in the bedroom. Not having sex is one thing but Elliot seemed deprived not only on a sexual level but on a physical and emotional level as well.

" _You have my permission to grab my hair, to speed me up or slow me down… but I control how deep._ " She quickly explained, looking him in the eyes to register confirmation that he'd understood.

Elliot only smiled and looked past her at their surroundings.

" _Liv…_ " He started. " _From day one, you controlled everything in this partnership._ " He stated, giving her a thin smile, which she returned.

It was true. From day one of their partnership, he knew he was in trouble. Not because she was a sexy woman, who was arguably sexier now than she was then, and not because she had a tight ass and nice tits, also arguably better now. It was because he could see past her body and into her brain and heart.

Elliot Stabler had seen that his new partner was a breath of fresh air, someone who had a heart, a passion for the job but also knew what she was doing. It hadn't taken him long to realize that she was a lioness, the mama bear of SVU. He thought he figured it out before she even had.

…

 **Flashback:**

Their first real case had been when a man's penis was cut off. It'd been hard on Olivia but that was normal for the newbies. The first case is usually the hardest. In SVU, there were rarely any easy ones.

They'd IDed the wife finally and made a house call. Olivia had her victims' services cards in hand and ready to distribute. Elliot had sat with the four-year-old son while Olivia talked to the now widowed wife.

Olivia was full of passion, he could tell by the way she was speaking to the wife, holding her hand and making eye contact. She was going by the book on how to comfort a grieving family member.

She'd also been able to tell how heartfelt Elliot was. He'd offered the widow his condolences, said he was sorry for her loss, and briefly griped her shoulder. It was rehearsed lines but heartfelt. Olivia could tell and it had made her happy that she had such a caring and compassionate partner to work with, especially since she was a child of rape and had her fair share of darkness to deal with.

Elliot had also seen fire in Olivia's eyes the next day they'd gone back to see the wife.

" _You lied to me yesterday._ " Olivia had harshly spat at the widower when they'd had their second interview with her.

Apparently, Elliot's new brunette partner did not like being lied to. As the wife tried to explain her reasoning, Elliot had gazed at Olivia, who was completely unaware of his assessment. She stood with her arms crossed over her chest, it was like she was a completely different person than the passionate, caring woman who had been with the widower the previous day.

The woman only seemed to fuel Olivia's fire, stating about how her husband was the best father and man that she'd known, that he was a great person, which really pissed Olivia off.

" _Let me ask you something…_ " Olivia stated darkly, inching closer to the woman's face. " _How does it feel to sleep with a man who's raped dozens of helpless women?_ " There was a fire in her eyes that Elliot had never seen before. It was a mixture of hate for the man she was referring to and passion for doing her job.

Then the yelling match had started. The wife had started it but Olivia had no problem trying to finish it.

Elliot had placed himself in between both women but faced Olivia, grabbing her shoulders gently and ushering her to the door before she caused a problem for herself.

" _Well, that's the dumbest move I've seen you make…_ " Elliot commented when they were walking back to the car, which wasn't actually saying much because they hadn't been partners for long.

Olivia scoffed at him. " _She wasn't gonna be any help…_ " She said quietly, looking both ways before crossing the street.

" _Well, she's not now…_ " He said back to her, following her trail to the car.

" _That woman knew what her husband was… she knew what he did, what he was doing and she still fucked him! She still let him around her kid!_ " Olivia half yelled in a fit of rage.

" _You're in trouble if she drops a dime on you, you just verbally harassed the wife of a murder victim!_ " Elliot put to her, trying to get her to see reason.

" _She lied to a police officer, if anything, she'd guilty of obstruction!_ " Olivia responded.

They were both correct.

Elliot huffed. " _You're on thin ice with Cragen…_ " He confessed as he entered the driver's side of their sedan.

" _How's that?_ " She cocked a look at him.

" _He's already worried about you… he is leaning towards pulling you off the case…_ "

" _Fine…_ " Olivia shrugged as she got situated into her seat. " _Let him…_ "

" _No._ " Elliot told her calmly. " _If you're off the case, you're out of the unit. This is a volunteer unit, sex crimes. You requested to be here._ "

Olivia was now becoming angry with him. " _I'm a good cop…_ " She whispered as she looked down.

" _I know._ " He assured her, nudging her lightly so she'd look at him. " _I like you being my partner too, we got a good thing here. We vibe well. Let's not fuck it up, okay?_ " He gave her a small smile.

Olivia was a lot shyer back then. She'd shook her head and given her silent agreement then managed to stare out the window for the duration of the ride back to the station.

They reported back to Cragen then went to question another possible suspect. Turns out, the woman was blind, do to their murder vic. But because of her disability, she couldn't have committed the crime.

Olivia told the young woman, who by now they'd figured out was one of his rape victims, that he was dead. Then Olivia threw up on the way to their car.

Elliot huffed and ran his hand down his face and she finished and made it back to the car.

" _Maybe I should talk to Cragen… this unit can be hard to handle… it's not for everyone._ " He'd told her, and he was right, it wasn't for everyone but it was exactly right for Olivia Benson.

" _No_." She'd told him with determination.

Elliot couldn't fault her. There'd been several times over the past few years that he'd thrown up too due to cases. It was mostly when he first started but there'd been a couple of bad ones along the way where he'd seen things that had made him sick to his stomach.

Then the next day, they'd gone to interview another woman who was one of his suspected victims. Only the husband and child were home, and the child was clearly the offspring of their murder vic, which meant he was a child of rape.

Olivia and Elliot exited the building slowly, Olivia had a tightening in her chest, a heartache for that little boy and what he was about to grow up with, the burden that was now upon him unknowingly.

" _Stephon is the father of that boy._ " Olivia told Elliot.

" _Yeah, he is…_ " Elliot agreed and turned around to face her, making eye contact. " _That doesn't change anything…_ " He offered.

Olivia was overcome with a small, shy smile even though her anxiety was through the roof.

" _I'm still on the job, Elliot._ " She'd told him.

He smiled back. " _I knew you would be… I just, I've got your back. Some of these cases are gonna be hard. They'll hit you in the heart where it hurts, the same goes for me. It happens._ " He explained.

" _Thanks…_ " She offered in an awkward whisper.

Olivia had confessed her biggest secret pretty early on in their partnership. A couple of days after Cragen had introduced them and paired them up, they'd had dinner together and a sort of 'get to know you' type conversation.

It was important to know your partner, especially if you were expected to trust them to have your back, to trust them with your life.

So, Olivia had been up front about herself.

" _I'm just going to say it and get it out of the way._ " She'd told him as she nervously glanced around her living room. They'd opted to have dinner at her place rather than his because he had four kids and neither one of them would ever get a word in let alone be able to have a conversation. " _My mom was raped, then I was born. I'm the child of rape._ " Olivia had blurted out.

Elliot took a minute to digest her information. He'd cocked his head to the side and gazed at her, gaging her reaction just as she was doing him.

" _Okay._ " He'd said. " _If you need anything, if I can help with any kind of support or anything like that as your partner, you let me know. That's tough and it sucks but I've got your back. You need to take a step back and take a moment, do it._ " Elliot had told her.

She'd given him a small smile. His response had been better than the looks of pity and the "I'm sorry" that she usually got from the very few people that she did tell.

Olivia had nodded in confirmation but then changed the subject. She'd only told him because she felt like he needed to know because he was now her partner. Cragen knew as well. But it wasn't something that she was read to talk about with Elliot, not until she knew him better and figured out how he worked.

So, on the side walk after seeing the boy which was clearly a product of rape, just like her, she'd done what he told her she could do. She took a step back and needed a breather.

" _Can I drop you off somewhere?_ " Elliot asked, looking at his watch because he had to go to a conference with one of his daughter's teachers.

" _I'm gonna take a breather and walk this off… I'll meet you back at the station._ " Olivia had told him, giving him a small smile to let him know that she was okay.

Elliot had nodded and left, letting her go.

She'd ended up going to the woman's work and confronting her there but the woman had out right told Olivia about being raped every night for twenty-three days and she went into grave detail that almost left Olivia in tears.

Then she'd called Elliot and told him what he'd done, and he'd been angry of course.

Later, Olivia had had dinner with her mother. It was one of the few nice dinners that she would ever have with her mother before her untimely death. It was also one of the only dinners where she'd gotten emotional with her mom. Olivia didn't let her guard down with her mom often, in fact, it was very rare because of the abuse that she had suffered at her mother's hand.

As an adult, Olivia had more control of her emotions but she still didn't trust her mother and it made her sad to know that she never would be able to. Her mother was an abuser and an alcoholic.

" _I hate him for what he did to you._ " Olivia had told her mother, referring to her mother's rapist. This case was getting to her. It was one of the first times that Olivia had actually talked about her mother's rapist to her mother.

" _So do I, but if he hadn't, I wouldn't have you._ " Serena said as she smiled, but Olivia wanted to scoff. Her entire childhood, her mother had made it known to her that she was an unwanted product of rape during her alcoholic rants. And if she hadn't told Olivia with words, she'd shown it as she'd taken out her rage on her.

Olivia didn't think her mother honestly remembered half of the things she'd done while drunk and Olivia herself did her best to block as much out as possible but every now and then something would happen that would trigger a memory here or there.

The case wrapped up and Olivia ended up helping the two women that killed their murder victim get off because she related to them too much. At the end of the day, Cragen had yelled at her and told her she'd used her one 'get out of jail free' card.

She'd just nodded and left his office, then retreated to the bunks upstairs.

Elliot wanted to follow her, he wanted to comfort his new partner but he couldn't. She needed time to digest surviving her first case. She needed a breather and she was probably shedding some tears, which was good for her and her system. It would relieve stress.

Olivia and Elliot weren't close enough yet that he could go check on her, go comfort her, or at least give her words of encouragement. It would be a while before that phase of their partnership kicked in.

…

 **Present Day:**

Olivia leaned over and eased his zipper down as Elliot rested his head against his seat, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He felt like he was on fire, and not the kind from being aroused. The kind of fire that you get from stress and the struggles that come with life.

Getting an erection from Olivia had only fueled his flame more, it'd just made his day, his life, more complicated but if she wanted to be so persistent upon fixing that problem, then he'd give in and let her, at least for now.

She looked at his face and took in his features as she freed him from his pants and began to massage his hardened member in her hands.

Elliot bit his lip and his eyes pressed shut more tightly then they had before.

She reached into the glove box with her right hand, retrieving a hand full of Kleenex to place in his lap to soak up the mess that they were about to make. She was making it clear that she wasn't planning on swallowing and Elliot could care less. He'd never ask that of her, ever. It was sexy as hell to him and a big turn on but he knew that some women felt degraded and grossed out by it.

He'd never asked a woman to swallow his semen and he never would. That's just the type of man he was.

Olivia was tender as she massaged his penis, which now had a purplish tint to it. She ran her thumb gently over his tip, rubbing his pre-cum around and causing Elliot to gasp lightly. His left arm was resting on the driver's side door and his right hand had landed on her upper left thigh.

" _Stay away from my crotch…_ " She commanded in a serious tone but lightly as to not break the mood. Elliot complied, understanding her and moved his right hand to her upper back instead as Olivia leaned over his lap and began moving her tongue from the base of his dick to the tip.

" _Mmmm…_ " Elliot let out a low moan.

Olivia's hair was pooling around her face as a curtain to what she was currently doing but it didn't matter, his eyes were still slammed shut anyways.

Elliot had never been one to completely shave his balls and private area, although he never let it look like a forest either. He always kept it somewhere in between.

Olivia's head dipped lower and to the side as she swirled her tongue around his balls that were covered in a small amount of hair. She never really liked it when men completely shaved but she didn't like it bushy either.

" _Jesus Christ, Olivia…_ " Elliot whispered harshly as she finally took his tip into her mouth, then engulfed him fully, warming his dick with her mouth as her tongue flicked over his tip.

He was saying her name and she didn't protest.

Elliot finally opened his eyes and tilted his head down to gaze at her work. He took both hands and scooper her hair out of her face, holding it together in his right hand and resting that hand on top of her head.

He wouldn't control her speed even though she'd given him permission. He also wasn't going to pull her hair. Not now. Maybe another time down the road when he wasn't so stressed and emotionally conflicted, but not now.

Olivia used her right hand to massage the base of his dick as she bobbed her head up and down, with her left hand stretched out and bracing herself against the driver's side door, just slightly above where his left arm was resting.

" _Fuck…_ " Elliot hissed as he watched her work his dick with her mouth. A small strand of her hair escaped his grasp and hung down by her face.

As she continued her work, he stared at her even more intently, taking in all of her features. The way her mouth fit over him made her look like a seductive goddess.

Occasionally, she'd tilt her head back to the right and look up at him with hooded, innocent eyes, as if she didn't know she was turning him on more just by sending him that glance.

The sucking sound's she'd make every now and then pushed him closer to his finish line. This was by far the best she'd ever given him with her mouth. She was taking her time and making sure to pleasure him and touch him in every way possible even though they didn't really have a ton of time.

Ramsey was off getting the photos printed and they were supposed to either head back to the precinct or get take a lunch… Elliot supposed this would count as at least one of them having eaten something….

" _Ooooooh, that's good… that's so fucking good, Liv…_ " He'd nearly moaned out as she'd added the gentle scrape of her teeth. Not too much but just enough to tickle and make him tingle with anticipation of the orgasm that was to come.

Then, she went back to bobbing her head up and down, flicking her tongue, and quickening her pace. He was getting close.

" _Shit…_ " Elliot hissed out as he closed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth, trying to prolong his pleasure before he exploded but she sped up her movements even more.

" _Okay, I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum…_ " He warned her quickly so she could have enough time to remove her mouth before he exploded. Elliot removed his hand from her hair and settled his arm over the back side of the passenger seat, gripping onto the head rest.

Olivia hummed lightly and pulled back but remained slightly hunched over his lap so she could finish her task at hand – literally.

She quickly moved the tissues closer to his dick, then let her right hand massaged his ball sack as her left hand jerked him off at a quick pace.

" _Shitshitshit!_ " Elliot stammered as he came. " _Oh god, oh fuck!_ " His face contorted tightly. " _Ahhh…_ " He moaned as his breath hitched and he pressed his head into the head rest of his seat with his eyes shut.

Semen covered her hands as he tried to aim his penis at the tissues but he wasn't squirting during this climax, it was more of gushing.

Olivia took in his sounds of pleasure. Sometimes, she wished she had a recording of them so she could play it as she used her vibrator on herself, which was becoming more and more often over these past two months.

She kept up her hand movements, although slowing down significantly. Olivia was well aware of how sensitive private parts could become after a powerful orgasm.

After she was sure he was done and was empty, she reached into the still open glove box to grab more tissues to wipe off her hands, then cleaned him up. She made sure to put the dirty tissues in the plastic bag that they used for trash. She'd throw it in the trashcan outside of the station when they got back.

Olivia even tucked his penis back into his pants and zipped them up and buttoned them for him. Then she retrieved the baby wipes that they kept in the car to clean her hands from being sticky.

" _Hey…_ " Olivia called to him softly when she realized he was still in the same position but now had a couple of tears running down his cheek. " _El?_ " She said silently.

Elliot opened his eyes and sat up, trying to wipe his face quickly.

" _I need some air…_ " He said as he quickly exited the car and swiftly started walking down the alley way.

Olivia jumped out of the car and was on his heels fast.

" _Stop._ " She commanded lightly but he kept up with his swift walk so she grabbed his arm and yanked him backwards. " _Stop!_ " she demanded.

And he did. He turned around to face her.

" _What was that? Just now, back there?_ " She asked him, pointing towards the car. " _What happened?_ "

" _I'm fine._ " He insisted, giving her a look. But she could read him too well. That was the look of a man who was anything but fine.

" _Liar…_ " She called to him calmly, testing the waters and lightening the mood in the tiniest bit.

Elliot shrugged. He wasn't even going to deny it and that worried her too.

" _What's going on? I know it wasn't that bad…_ " She joked with him. " _I mean, I know I'm not the best but come on…_ " She said, getting closer to him and lightly jabbing him in the side with her elbow, causing him to smile as he stared at the ground.

" _I've just been under a lot of stress lately…_ " Elliot told her.

" _What kind of stress?_ " She asked but he went quiet at her question. " _El, I'm here for you, you know that but you've gotta be honest with me…_ "

" _I don't know._ " He replied with a shrug of his shoulders as he looked up and his eyes met hers.

" _You don't know?_ " She asked.

" _Yeah… it's like… I just can't be happy. No matter what I do, I feel drained all the time. I'm getting to where I don't even what to get out of bed some mornings…_ " He tried to tell her. He really wanted to add that he had nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for but he knew that'd make him sound almost suicidal and he wasn't. Elliot felt sheepish and shy. He didn't always like talking about his feelings and emotions, not to anyone. Not to Olivia, Kathy, or anyone.

" _Okay…_ " Olivia replied, taking in his demeanor and stance. Elliot looked defeated. He looked like a man who had the world going against him, not like a man who'd just had an amazing orgasm.

What he said made sense though. It explained why he'd called in a few times lately. It had definitely been more than usual but she'd just figured something had happened with one of the kids or someone was sick.

Elliot ran his hand down his face and shook his head.

" _I feel like you think I'm ungrateful for what you just did but if I say 'thank you' then it's gonna make you sound like a cheap whore so I don't wanna do that either…_ " He said, casting her a look.

Olivia tilted her head slightly as she scrunched her eye brows together.

" _You've never made me feel like a cheap whore, El, but no, do not thank me for sexual favors. We don't do that, that's not us._ " She explained. " _But…_ " Olivia hesitated. " _You enjoyed it right? I mean, you didn't stop me… if you were uncomfortable or if you wanted to revoke consent-_ "

" _No!_ " he said quickly. " _No. You… it was good… very good. I don't regret it, just the way I acted afterwards._ " Elliot told her. " _If I'm being honest, it's one of the best blow jobs I've ever gotten…_ " He said seriously, catching her eyes.

He gave her a small smile, knowing he was feeding her ego and her worry of him.

" _So,_ " she started. " _Tell me more about what's going on…_ " Olivia asked lightly.

" _I don't know. I'm just feeling a lot of things… it's complicated._ "

" _You're allowed to talk about Kathy with me, El._ " She said.

Ever since he and Kathy had gotten back together after the pregnancy, he'd been tight lipped about things with her, especially if it was specifically something very good or something very bad. If it was in between, sometimes he'd mention it in passing. Elliot was just trying to avoid hurting her, and well, hurting himself in the process.

It must be hard to love a man who's married to someone else.

" _It's not just her… it's me._ " Elliot said as he started to walk slowly down the alley again.

" _You want to know what I think?_ " Olivia asked.

He stopped and turned his head to look at her.

" _I think it sounds like you might be getting depression, El._ " She told him honestly with sad eyes.

He scoffed and shook his head, gazing around the alley trying to look anywhere but at her.

" _And if I had known that… I probably wouldn't have just done what I did…_ " Olivia said in a soft tone, placing her hand on his shoulder.

Elliot looked at her intensely.

" _You revoking wanting to give me head now?_ " Elliot asked. " _I never asked you to do that. I never have, you didn't have to._ " He spat at her.

Olivia bit her lip and glanced around before looking at him again.

" _No,_ " She told him firmly. " _I'm saying that if it is depression, then I could give you a thousand blow jobs and it's not going to help you, Elliot."_

He moved to lean his ass and back against the brick wall in the alleyway.

" _I don't need help, Olivia._ " He told her forcefully as he sighed.

Olivia swallowed hard.

" _I think you should talk to someone…_ " She told him, walking closer and leaning on the wall beside him. " _Feeling down all the time, not wanting to get out of bed, can't feel happy no matter what you do?_ " Olivia reminded him of his own words. " _Sounds like the beginnings of depression…_ "

" _I don't need a shrink._ " He told her forcefully again.

" _So, don't make it an office visit… hit up Huang for lunch one day and pick his brain. He'll be able to tell you if this is really something serious or if you're just in a temporary funk._ " Olivia suggested.

He shook his head though.

" _I don't have a reason to be depressed._ " Elliot told her.

She snorted and he looked at her with curiosity. This was a serious conversation and here she was laughing.

" _You don't need a reason, El._ "

But he shook his head again.

" _I have five beautiful kids, a nice house, a decent job…_ " He trailed off, trying to list the things that should be enough to keep him happy in his life.

" _And…_ " Olivia continued for him. " _You have a son who isn't really speaking to you right now because he's still getting over the death of his best friend and maybe lover, a long marriage that is sometimes on the rocks and can be complicated, a toddler who tires you out, a bipolar daughter who you have to keep in check… come on, Elliot._ " Olivia said with compassion. " _That's a lot, even for you._ "

He huffed as he stared at the ground.

" _You're not Superman…_ " Olivia told him, giving him a nudge and a small smile. " _And I'm not Wonder Woman._ " She told him once he'd made eye contact with her again.

" _What are you saying?_ " He asked her carefully.

" _I'm saying… it happens. Depression happens to all kinds of people and it doesn't need a reason. Depression isn't something that's always triggered. It's just a chemical imbalance. Sometimes, no one knows why people get it._ " Olivia said.

" _You speaking from experience?_ " He asked, his eyes flashing with hope and wonder as he tried to gage if he'd stumbled upon something that he didn't know about Olivia Benson.

She smiled at him warmly.

" _That's not something I want to talk about right now…_ "

Elliot nodded in understanding. He didn't even know if he had depression and he already didn't want to talk about it. It was like when people know you have depression, they look at you differently. They judge you in a different way, judge how you do things, how you carry yourself… it's stupid. People should be thinking "How can I help?" instead of "Let me look at their life choices to see if I can spot the depression."

He was brought out of his thoughts as he looked down at the feeling of Olivia sliding her right hand into his left.

It was an odd gesture from her since she was always so adamant about her rules of whatever the fuck they were but here lately, she'd been slipping with them. It was like they could basically throw all the rules out the door except for the 'no sex' rule.

Elliot gave her hand a gentle squeeze to let her know that he appreciated the comfort.

" _We should be getting back…_ " He said.

Olivia leaned herself off the wall and headed back to the car, giving his hand a tug to signal that she wasn't going to let go in that moment and that they were going to hold hands on their walk back to the car.

When they approached the car, Elliot walked her to the passenger side.

She started to let go of his hand to get in the car but he pulled on her arm gently, turning her around. When she was finally facing him. He stared at her for a moment before pulling her to him, engulfing her in a hug and resting his forehead on her right shoulder.

Shock appeared on her face because she hadn't expected the embrace but she complied, wrapping her left arm across the back of his shoulders and her right hand covered the back of his head.

" _I've got you…_ " Olivia whispered into his right ear. " _I've got you, El._ "

She felt him take a deep breath and his arms were wrapped around her waist.

Elliot needed her. He needed comfort from her and reassurance.

" _You're gonna be fine._ " She told him quietly as she stroked the back of his head.

Olivia couldn't help but think that part of this was her fault. If she and Elliot weren't doing whatever the hell they were caught up in, then he'd be able to have a happy marriage, he'd be able to truly be okay. That wasn't the case though. Kathy and Elliot weren't happy long before she and Elliot ever did anything.

In fact, during their first case together, Kathy had chewed Elliot out because he'd taking a work call during their child's parent/teacher conference. The blonde hadn't yelled or did anything serious but she'd been upset, she and Elliot had fought, and it'd been a bit of an ordeal. Olivia could remember thinking to herself that if she ever got into a serious relationship, she'd end it if she and her boyfriend ever acted like that.

" _I will always be here for you…_ " Olivia found herself whispering into Elliot's ear. She could feel his tears on her neck. She could also feel his lips faintly press against her skin.

Olivia Benson would always be there for Elliot Stabler until he told her otherwise. It might make her a shitty human being, but she'd never abandon him, not now. Elliot was a strong man but little by little, he'd been breaking. Olivia would never come between him and Kathy.

She'd never ask him to be with her and she'd never fight with Kathy over him. That's where she drew the line. Olivia Benson wasn't that woman, but for now, she would have to settle for being the other woman if it meant helping Elliot through whatever this was.

Even if they had nothing sexual going on between them, he was emotionally cheating on Kathy. Elliot could tell Olivia things and talk to her about things that Kathy would never understand and the same went for Elliot and Kathy. Both women helped him in different aspects of his life. He was torn and he didn't know what to fucking do about it.

 **Okay, so I'm going to just have to update when inspiration hits me because I've discovered when I try to force myself to write, it sucks.**

 **Review help A LOT. If you have any suggestions, something you want to see or want me to touch on, any ideas, feel free to tell me. I might put them in, I might not, it just depends.**

 **Thanks for still reading this story.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Fair warning, this story might be all over the map with some chapters. Sorry, that's just how it seems to be working out.**

Those goddamn leather boots were going to be the death of him. Elliot was starting to hate when she wore them. It'd only been two months since he'd seen her in them and he wasn't anywhere near ready to see them again, not after what they'd done to him last time.

Olivia had dressed in mostly leather with the exception of a black shirt and skirt. She was posing as "GoodTimeGirl" on a dating app to meet a potential rapist known as "BigPeter".

Elliot had made an excuse as to why he couldn't go to be there for the take down and Olivia understood. Fin went with her instead, cocking his eyebrow at her as he saw her waiting for him in the hallway.

" _I don't wanna hear it…_ " She told Fin sternly. He just snickered and walked with her to the elevator.

After they'd made the collar, Fin put Peter in the box and Olivia quickly changed in the locker room. She wasn't going to put Elliot through the hell of having to see her dressed like that while interrogating a suspect.

It'd been two months since she'd gotten him off and two months since she'd made her suggestions about his possible depression but she was starting to doubt herself on that. He wasn't as down lately and he didn't miss much work anymore except for something that revolved around Eli. Elliot still had his fair share of anger though.

She didn't know if he'd gotten help, if he'd talked to or seen someone and she didn't ask. He had private aspects about his life and she had her own. If things had continued to look bad for him, Olivia would have stepped in but they seemed fine now so she'd backed off. Anger was different than depression and his anger she could deal with.

" _This app is the perfect hunting grounds for rapists, huh?_ " She asked Peter as she faced him, with Elliot standing behind him facing her.

" _Rape?_ " Peter scoffed. " _No. I've slept with thousands of women and every single one of them said 'yes' to me._ "

Olivia's eyebrows shot up and her mouth hung open slightly. She was genuinely surprised, mostly because she believed him. She believed that he'd slept with thousands of women but what the fuck? Who has time for that? Who does that? Jesus. She at least hoped the women knew that it was just fucking and that no one was being led on.

Elliot had scoffed though.

" _Thousands?_ " Elliot said, not even looking at the man's face since Elliot was walking around behind the guy. " _The app's only been up for six months…_ " He said, calling the man's bluff.

" _Nah, I was talking about lifetime wise_." Peter answered.

Olivia nodded sort of robotically.

" _So, you're a sex addict?_ " She asked. It was really the only thing she could think of, the only explanation that would explain how a man, or anyone for that matter, could sleep with over a thousand women before they're even thirty.

" _No, I'm a red-blooded guy living the American dream…_ " Peter told Olivia calmly as he walked around and sat down at the interrogation table to face her again with Elliot leaning up against the wall behind him.

" _You're every woman's worst nightmare…_ " Olivia countered. " _But that's why this app, 'AnonymousQuickie' is so perfect for you._ " She said, crossing her arms. " _Everyone that gets to know you hates you._ "

Peter began to laugh.

" _I'm on AQ because I don't have time for dating… I'm a stockbroker and I love sex._ " Peter explained.

" _A stockbroker? You really do enjoy screwing people…_ " Elliot piped up.

" _And I've never had any complaints…_ " Peter smiled, continuing his conversation with Olivia and ignoring Elliot.

Olivia smiled right back. " _So, then you won't mind if we conduct a customer satisfaction survey?_ "

Peter nodded.

" _We'll need your phone…_ " Olivia said, pointing at the device in his hand.

" _You know…_ " Peter said as he slid his phone across the table to her. " _You should really try AQ for yourself, Detective._ "

Her eyebrows went up in question.

" _You seem like you need it…_ " Peter told her.

Olivia took the phone and dipped down, bracing herself on the table.

" _You know what I think?_ " She whispered. " _I think sleeping with all those women got boring and you needed to up the thrill to get it up. First beating, then choking, and now murder…_ "

Peter stood up slowly, leaning over the table so he was eye to eye and nose to nose with Olivia.

" _Well, you're the one getting all hot and bothered, Detective Benson…_ " He whispered to her. She was staring him right in the eye. Anger was radiating off her body. " _And you wanna know what I think?_ " He asked. " _I think you need a good fuck, you need a good orgasm because you're a tight ass… and not in the good way…_ " He smiled at her.

Elliot grabbed Peter's right shoulder harshly and pushed him back down in his chair away from Olivia.

" _You get off on inflicting pain?_ " Elliot tried to casually ask, as if the thought of himself fucking Olivia on the interrogation table hadn't just crossed his mind thanks to the shit that Peter was spewing about Olivia and her tight ass.

" _Unlike you, I don't need to hurt someone to get it up…_ " Peter directed over his shoulder towards Elliot who was now back to leaning against the wall.

Elliot rolled his eyes and moved to leave the interrogation room, following Olivia who was already on her way out the door with the cell phone.

" _I hope you find something helpful on this…_ " Olivia said to the tech guy that was waiting outside the door. Then she walked over to the double mirrored glass and stared at their perp as Elliot joined her.

So far, this case was a complicated one but then again, most of them are.

" _You think he's good for it?_ " He asked Olivia as he stood at her left side, gazing through the window at Peter.

" _I think he's good for something…_ " She told him. " _There has to be something we can collar him with…_." Olivia stated as she sighed.

" _Well he was right about one thing…_ " Elliot told her.

" _What's that?_ " She asked, glancing at him.

" _You've got a tight ass._ " He said as he smiled a shit eating grin as he continued to stare through the glass.

Olivia rolled her eyes at him. " _Is that really all you got from that conversation?_ " She asked.

Suddenly, in strolled Alex Cabot who somehow had weaseled her way back into the one-six. Well, it was more like they'd begged her to come back. Turns out, the last A.D.A couldn't handle the job and the one after that had to leave suddenly for some emergency.

So, Olivia's transfer request for a new A.D.A. didn't stick as well as she'd wanted it to. There was no legit reason Olivia could give the board as to why Alex shouldn't be working there other than the fact that Olivia thought Alex had put her needs before their rape victim's needs.

The brunette would never tell that to the bar though. It'd just be a she-said she-said type thing, other people would get called in, it would create waves for Olivia. Waves that she didn't need right now and didn't care to deal with.

Alex walked over to look through the class and Olivia took a step back.

" _I'm going to see if they got anything off that phone._ " Olivia directed at Elliot as she exited the area. He knew it was a lie. It'd be hours before they'd have anything on the phone if they found something. Elliot knew she was making excuses to vacate the area that Cabot now inhibited.

" _Did he give anything up?_ " Alex asked Elliot.

" _Nah. Even volunteered his DNA so something tells me he didn't do it._ " He sighed as he put his hands in his pockets, not quite knowing what to say to Alex other than things that pertained to work.

" _She hates me…_ " Alex whispered.

Elliot swallowed and lowered his voice a bit.

" _She's just being Olivia. You know how she is with exes. After she breaks it off, she prefers not to speak to them or have any contact. Only problem is she works with you. It's hard on her… she's just… getting adjusted._ " Elliot tried.

He'd support Olivia until his last breath but he also didn't want to get on Alex's bad side right now either, especially since she'd pretty much seen Elliot in Olivia's bed. Even though they weren't doing anything, it could still be taken the wrong way and Cragen certainly didn't need to hear about it.

" _She's being a bitch._ " Alex said icily. " _We're at work. She needs to act like it. She's going to have to talk to me at some point. They want to bring me back on full-time. Apparently, SVU couldn't keep an A.D.A. even if the squad depended on it…_ " The blonde shot him a look and his eyes darkened.

Elliot moved closer to the woman, his chest puffed out slightly.

" _You're the one that went and fucked Langan. You shoulda told her. She didn't need to find out that way._ " He said lowly.

In a way, he was hurt that Olivia had feelings for the blonde and it pissed him off that the blonde had hurt Olivia in return. He'd never tell Olivia who she could and couldn't sleep with though, he wasn't that kind of man and they didn't have that kind of relationship. Elliot wanted nothing more than for her to be happy.

Alex shot him a warning glance, as if to tell him he had no business speaking about her sex life.

" _She needs to get her shit together_. She told me a thousand times that we were casual."

" _Okay, so that doesn't mean go fuck ever defense attorney in New York City!_ " He said louder than he anticipated. " _You keep an open line of communication, you make sure you're clean, she's clean, your other partners are clean, and you give her a heads up if you plan on having a relationship with someone else that you BOTH work for. Goddamn!_ " He huffed, glancing around to make sure no one would be joining them because of his raised voice.

Elliot knew he was both right and wrong. Alex should have done all of those things and more, but so should Oliva. Neither one would ever tell a soul about their ongoing relationship/affair or whatever it was but Olivia could have at least told Alex about Porter.

Then, he stormed out of the area, going into the squad room and trying to find something to do. He'd just wanted to defend Olivia.

She'd been through hell most of her entire life. With what she had to deal with growing up, the stuff at Sealview, then being framed for murder and almost getting raped in jail again, Olivia didn't need this shit from Cabot who was just a trust fund baby, who'd never known any hardships except the amount of energy and effort that it took to get through law school.

" _Hey, you okay?_ " Olivia asked as she watched him angrily shift through the papers on his desk while standing up.

" _They get anything?_ " He asked.

" _Not yet. We can't do anything until the DNA swab or the phone analysis comes back._ " Olivia explained, still trying to catch his eyes.

Elliot avoided her gaze and walked to the edge of her desk.

" _Meet me in the cribs in five._ " He whispered. It's not like anyone was really in the squad room anyways. Munch and Fin were out on a case. The captain was in his office on some business call.

Every now and then and officer would walk through but that was it.

Olivia looked at him with curious eyes but eventually nodded in agreement, then went back to writing at her desk.

Elliot made his way up to the cribs to wait for her. He honestly wanted to go a few rounds with the punching bag but he wasn't sure he'd have time to do that before they had a break in the case.

…

After a few minutes of working on her paperwork, longer than five minutes actually, because she let time get away from her, Olivia made her way to the crib.

It was dark, which was the usual since they only used the room to get some rest or sleep when they needed it.

Olivia gasped slightly as she felt a strong arm grab her by the waist and pull her to the right, also shutting the door behind her firmly. She was lightly pinned against the wall a few feet away from the door. The brunette wasn't worried though, she knew it was Elliot. And the fact that he had boldly pinned her to the wall meant that they must be the only ones in the room.

There was a small amount of light coming from a window, enough that they could see each other and that there was a small strip of sunlight on the floor at the end of the room. She could make out all of the beds and they did look empty. Elliot would have checked them already though.

She let her head fall back against the cold, hard wall as she relaxed into his stance.

Elliot had both forearms pressed against the wall, by her head and shoulders and his lower half was barely touching hers.

" _You took long enough…_ " He told her silently.

Olivia gave him a lazy smile instead of chastising him about suddenly being so intimate with her at their place of work.

She was staring into his eyes trying to read him, to gage if something was wrong.

" _Are you okay?_ " Olivia asked him lightly as she lolled her head from one side to the other, letting her cheek rest against his right wrist that was leaned against the wall.

" _Yeah… just needed a minute to breathe…_ " He told her in a strangled whisper.

She gave him another small smile.

" _And you need me here for that?_ " Olivia asked him, raising an eyebrow. Humor danced in her eyes even though she knew this might be a serious conversation.

" _Sometimes…_ " He started but stopped himself, biting his lip.

" _Finish your sentence._ " She commanded lightly.

" _Sometimes… I feel like I can't breathe without you…_ "

Olivia pursed her lips together. She wished she had not told him to finish the sentence.

" _Don't talk like that, El._ " Olivia told him. " _You can't talk like that._ "

Elliot moved his head to the right, glancing around the room, acting like he was taking in their surroundings when really he was just buying himself time to be alone with her.

" _I just needed a breather… I just wanted you here for that…_ "

Olivia took a deep breath and brought her hands up to cup his face, her right hand stroking his cheek. He looked calmer than he had downstairs but there was still the slightest touch of anger in his eyes. But then again, Olivia wasn't sure that anger ever fully left his body.

She wanted to ask if he'd gotten help, if he'd seen a doctor or talked to Haung but she decided against it.

If she thought he needed to get off, she'd always been the one to initiate it. He'd never asked her to do anything and as far as she knew, he was standing by that. She didn't feel is dick poking her, so he either wasn't turned on or had it tucked away. But she didn't think he'd asked her up here for a sexual favor. Elliot seemed like he really did just need a break and maybe wanted to be with her.

Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in closer, planting a small kiss on his lips. Then she looked into his eyes, trying to figure out what he needed or wanted.

The brunette had basically thrown her 'rule book' out the door by now.

She didn't know what was wrong with her, why she was acting this way and being so careless.

Elliot was the one who leaned in this time. He nipped at her bottom lip, then went along her jawline, and down to the right side of her neck. There was a place on her skin, just under her ear that he knew if he kissed her there, he'd get a response.

He wasn't looking for sex or even to get off, he was just looking for affection.

" _Mmmmm…_ " Olivia hummed as his mouth made contact with her sensitive spot and her arms tightened around his neck, her left-hand landing on the back of his head gently running through his short hair.

Olivia's eyes popped open as she heard someone clear their throat.

She tried to figure out how they'd missed the door being opened. It was big and squeaky, they should have heard it. She and Elliot must have been caught up in themselves and enjoying each other's affection.

Elliot stopped his movements against Olivia's neck and pulled back slowly but not much. His face was still in the vicinity of hers. Olivia slowly dropped her arms from around his neck and let her head fall back against the wall as she closed her eyes tightly, like if she wished hard enough, then Alex Cabot wouldn't be standing there staring at them.

Biting his bottom lip and sighing, Elliot kept his forearms braced on the wall on the outside of Olivia, as if he was trying to protect her from whatever was about to happen, as if she would need saving.

" _For the record,_ " Alex said in a surprisingly calm voice. " _I thought I was just following Olivia up here to talk… I didn't realize you were up here too._ " She confessed, looking at Elliot since the brunette against the wall still had her eyes shut.

Elliot nodded, not sure what else to do. They were caught red-handed.

He stared at the blonde, waiting for the ice queen to make her move.

" _We're going to be fired…_ " He heard Olivia whispered, which got his attention and when he looked away from Alex and to Olivia, he saw that her eyes were still closed tight and a single tear was making its way down her face.

But Alex had heard Olivia's hushed whisper as well and walked a big closer to them which only made Elliot tense up.

" _I came up here to talk to you…_ " Alex calmly directed at Olivia, who sniffled, and wiped her face after finally opening her eyes.

" _We're not getting fired._ " Elliot told Olivia strongly, then shot a look at Alex. It was a threatening look. A look that said 'if you fuck up our careers, I'll fuck yours up'.

" _Listen,_ " Alex started. " _They want me to stay on as A.D.A. again. I just wanted to clear the air so we could work together…_ " She tried.

Olivia was studying Alex. Looking her up and down, trying to figure out what her agenda was.

" _And you have no right to be mad at me for Trevor when you've been fucking Elliot. You know that, Olivia._ " The blonde demanded, crossing her arms.

Olivia grabbed onto Elliot's bicep on the arm that was leaning on the wall in front of her.

" _I'm not fucking him._ "

Well, it was true. Technically they were actually fucking each other.

" _Were you not fucking Dean Porter too?_ " Alex asked. She'd turned from calm to slightly aggressive.

Olivia shot her a glare and Elliot huffed at the argument that was currently taking place before his eyes.

" _You were gone!_ " The brunette told Alex. " _You kept leaving me to go off to the jungle, to those villages, to where ever the fuck it is that you go and you left me here._ " Olivia demanded, tears flooding her eyes.

" _I was helping women and children who were being gang raped, Olivia!_ " Alex told her like it should have been obvious. " _You should be happy and proud that I went over there and did that! You have no idea what it was like… some of the things I saw and did…_ "

" _I know it makes me a selfish bitch…_ " Olivia said, trying to calm herself and her breathing before she really did began crying. " _But I wish you had stayed. I thought we could make something, that we could work on having something._ "

" _Then you should have told me that!_ " Alex stressed. " _And you should have told me I had competition damnit!_ " The blonde spat at Olivia, referring to Elliot, who raised his eyebrows in response to the comment with a slight look of shock.

" _I could say the same thing!_ " Olivia said fiercely as she shoved Elliot's arm out of her way. He took the hint and backed up, giving her room.

" _I only started seeing Trevor after I realized just how causal we were, Olivia._ " Alex said. " _I had a feeling about Porter but it was only confirmed recently… and everyone always thinks you two are hooking up so there's no surprise there…_ " She said, gesturing to Elliot.

" _You leave him out of this!_ " Olivia said with fire in her eyes. " _He has nothing to do with me and you. He didn't even know about us._ "

" _Whatever._ " Alex told her. " _He was in your bed, Liv. I'm not stupid. If you two aren't fucking, you're doing other things._ "

" _You don't know what you're talking about._ " Olivia stated lowly.

" _And you two were definitely about to do something when I walked in._ " Alex said.

Olivia shook her head.

" _He was all over you, Olivia._ " Alex continued. " _It was like he couldn't get enough of his partner._ "

" _Shut up!_ " Olivia almost yelled.

" _Tell me something, who gives better head? Me or him?_ " She demanded.

" _Him._ " The brunette said lowly with eyes full of hate and rage.

Elliot threw both hands in the air and his mouth hung open slightly as the conversation took and R-rated turn that pertained to him.

" _Okay, okay._ " He quickly called to both women. " _Let's take it down a notch before the whole precinct hears._ " Elliot said as he walked closer to both women who were now shooting him a death glare for getting in the middle of their argument.

" _This is tough, I get it._ " He told them.

" _Says the man who spends more time with his mistress than his actual wife…_ " Alex said and Elliot shot her daggers with his eyes.

" _Hey,_ " He said firmly. " _She's not allowed to talk about herself like that and neither are you._ " Elliot said forcefully.

Alex shot him a small look then glanced at Olivia, as if she realized whatever was between them might be more than just a fling or some spontaneously convenient affair. It was like the blonde was realizing that Elliot actually might care about Olivia, who was currently looking down at the ground due to Alex's comment.

" _You both slept with other people and you both got hurt._ " Elliot told them, laying everything out for them. " _Shit happened. It sucked, but it's gonna be okay for everyone. It's over for you both now,_ " he said. " _Give it some time, work on just tolerating each other at work because that's all you have to do now. And it won't even be an everyday thing. Only when we need an A.D.A.'s help with a case or if you have some questions for us._ " Elliot more so directed at Alex.

Olivia let out a watery, sad, laugh.

" _He's right._ " Olivia told the blonde. " _We're toxic for each other. This would have never worked between us now anyways, not after all that's happened. We can't fix it._ " She said. " _And to be honest, I don't want to fix it._ "

Alex nodded in agreement. It was kind of sad but it was true.

" _Just… work with me on cases. Don't be a bitch and give me the silent treatment when I'm actually trying to get shit done…_ " Alex told Olivia.

The brunette nodded at her ex-girlfriend.

Alex grabbed the handle to exit the room but Olivia stopped her.

" _Hey…_ " She called out.

" _Yeah?_ " Alex asked, trying to keep the annoyance out of her voice.

" _Umm about me and El…_ " Olivia trailed off and Elliot put his hands on his hips and gazed at the floor, waiting to hear what his fate would be.

Alex took a deep breath before looking at Olivia again.

" _The things we did…. in bed… is that going to stay between us or are there going to be new rumors about the ice queen going around the precinct and D.A.'s office?_ " The blonde asked Olivia.

Olivia swallowed hard as a vivid flashback of their love life hit her briefly.

…

 **Flashback:**

The bed creaked as Olivia's thrusts sped up. She was on top of Alex and pounding into her hard and had been for the past two minutes. The blonde's sex drive was incredible and she could only imagine the pleasure that was being brought from the vibrating, strap-on dildo that Olivia currently was wearing.

" _Mmmmm…_." Alex had managed to strangle out.

The brunette's hands were wrapped tightly around Alex's neck, strangling and choking her.

The blonde's mouth was open and her eyes were currently shut with her face red from strangulation.

Within seconds her body contorted and Olivia could feel the muscles in Alex's body contract beneath her.

The orgasm was powerful and halfway through it, Olivia released the younger woman's neck. She couldn't do it any longer.

Olivia ran her hands up and down Alex's thighs as she was coming down from her high. The brunette's back was covered in sweat.

Alex Cabot had one hell of a sex drive.

The blonde was breathing hard and Olivia reached down and turned the dildo off, then moved to get up but two hands grabbed her thighs and held her into place.

Once Alex finally caught her breath, she looked at Olivia and took in her features. She was sweaty and had been breathing hard herself.

" _I'm sorry._ " Alex told her honestly.

Olivia's face contorted in confusion.

" _For what?_ " She asked.

" _For scaring you. I've freaked you out. I'm sorry._ "

Olivia smiled and shook her head.

" _You didn't freak me out Alex._ " She promised the blonde.

Alex took a deep breath. " _I've only been able to trust one other person with this…_ " she confessed.

" _It's okay. You can trust me, never doubt that._ " Olivia told her, grabbing her hand and interlacing it with her own.

" _I still scared you…_ "

" _If you want me to do this for you sometimes, if it's what you like and what you need to reach your orgasm, that's fine._ " Olivia promised. " _But I'm not comfortable strangling you until you pass out. That, that's what scares me. I don't want to hurt you…_ "

Alex gave her a thin smile. " _I won't ask you to do that. It's usually not something that's done on purpose and if it happens, I'll be fine. I've done it in the past. Just as soon as I pass out, you let go, but I'm okay, really._ " Alex promised. " _I will never ask you to do something that you aren't comfortable with, Olivia._ " She said. " _Usually, we put something around my neck as a barrier between your hands and me so that there is no bruising but I just really wanted to feel your hands on me the first time…_ "

Olivia continued to watch Alex and soak up her words.

" _If you didn't like this, we won't ever do it again._ "

" _I… I like seeing you have powerful orgasms like that… I like that I can bring you to this state of ecstasy…_ " Olivia confessed.

" _Okay… we'll do it every now and then if you want to, if you can handle it. But if not, that's okay. We can have vanilla sex too._ " Alex told her.

Olivia laughed at that statement.

" _Sex with Alex Cabot is never vanilla…._ " Olivia said and began taking the strap-on off of her pelvis.

Alex watched Olivia work. She was a beautiful sight in bed.

Olivia had been hesitant at first when Alex had told her she liked to be choked. The blonde was scared to confess one of her secrets to the brunette but there was just something about Olivia that made her feel safe. She'd been more surprised when Olivia had agreed to try it.

…

 **Present Day:**

Olivia remembered when she found out Trevor was fucking Alex, she remembered asking Alex in her bedroom if she'd given her everything she'd wanted and if she'd satisfied her. It's one reason why Olivia hadn't understood that Alex turned to Trevor. What he a strangler? Did he like the same things Alex did?

Alex cast a glance at Elliot and turned a small shade of red from a mixture of panic and embarrassment as she tried to assess if Elliot knew about her secrets or not.

Olivia's face softened.

" _Alex… I'd never do that… I'd never spread those rumors or tell people that…_." Olivia told her sincerely. She saw Alex glancing at Elliot. " _He doesn't know._ " Olivia told her, trying to put her worry at ease.

It was true. Olivia hadn't told Elliot the intimate details about her and Alex's life in the bedroom. She'd shared some things with him, but not the things Alex was currently talking about.

" _What you like… I'd never make fun of you for that no matter how mad I got and I'd never tell people. I'd never ruin your reputation like that._ " Olivia promised.

" _Thanks…_ " Alex said shyly and bit her lip. " _I honestly don't care that you two are fucking…_ " The blonde stated and Olivia shot her another glare. " _Or not fucking, whatever it is the two of you are doing. If people find out, it won't be from me._ " She promised.

" _Thanks…_ " Olivia whispered and Elliot nodded at the blonde, giving his silent 'thanks'. Truthfully, he just felt a little awkward now.

" _But be careful…_ " Alex said gently, glancing around the room once more before tightening her grasp on the door knob. " _He's married and he has kids so… just be careful._ " Alex looked at her with concern and some level of care. It kind of caught Olivia off guard. The brunette nodded at her none-the-less though.

And then she was out the door.

Olivia just stood there staring at the door while Elliot stood behind her. His heart was racing, he still wasn't entirely sure Alex wouldn't tell anyone about them but only time would tell.

 **I didn't get a lot of reviews on the last chapter so I'm not sure y'all liked it as well. I'm trying really hard though.**

 **Thoughts?**


	10. Chapter 10

It started out as a simple case, or simple as it could be when it came to the SVU unit. Two prostitutes were found murdered with prayer cards on their persons. Obviously, there was a religious aspect to it. It didn't take a detective to figure that out.

There was one eye witness, Gladys, another prostitute who ended up getting almost murdered herself and her pimp kept trying to interfere with her corporation with Benson and Stabler, that is when he wasn't hitting on Olivia.

Gladys had ended up fleeing the scene of her almost murder and Olivia and Elliot had to track her down. She went by the surname "Sunshine".

It took a bit of detective work and help from Fin but they finally located her living with her aunt and her aunt's two kids.

Of course, Benson and Stabler paid her a visit. Olivia talked to Gladys in her room, which was actually the kids room that had a set of bunk beds and a couch… the couch was for Gladys to sleep on. Meanwhile, Elliot was giving the aunt the third degree about how she was letting her niece work for a pimp and lay on her back to get money to pay the aunt's bills.

" _I take care of myself…_ " Gladys told Olivia.

" _And everyone else…_ " Olivia replied. " _Your aunt, your cousin, your pimp…_ " She said, trying to get the girl to be honest with her.

Gladys rolled her eyes. " _I told you I don't have a pimp…_ "

" _Don't lie to me._ " Olivia said sternly. Probably more sternly than she should have. " _That black man that keeps showing up everywhere we find you? He's your pimp. I know he is._ " Olivia scoffed. " _He was hitting on me, trying to get me to work for him and I'm in my fucking forties…_ " She said, rubbing her eyebrow.

Gladys just looked at Olivia in a mixture of surprise and almost disgust. She thought her pimp only liked younger girls and she didn't really like to think about him being with other girls besides herself. Given, Gladys was only in her early twenties, so she was no spring chicken in the prostitution world. Maybe he'd just wanted Olivia for himself. Sometimes pimps did that. They'd claim a woman, a 'Madam' or a 'Mama' to keep at their side for show.

" _I'm trying to help you!_ " Olivia stressed.

" _Yeah?_ " Gladys challenged. " _I dropped out of eighth grade. I can't get a job so I do what I have to in order to survive._ " She said, turning around and looking in her mirror to fidget with her hair. It was a distraction to keep her from thinking too hard about what they were talking about.

" _There are recovery houses and I can take you to one._ " Olivia said. " _You'll have a safe place to live… get counseling and a GED…_ " She said. " _You can have a better life!_ "

Gladys shook her head. " _Yeah… that's what he said._ "

" _He follow you home from school?_ " Olivia asked lightly as she walked up behind Gladys and looked at her though the mirror. " _He start dating you and treated you like a queen? Then you have sex… then he wants you to have sex with his friends… then he tells you that you owe him for everything fancy that he's ever given you, so you work the streets. He owns you and you have to do what he says or else he hurts you…_ " She said.

" _Gladys, it's called grooming. It's what pimps and pedophiles do when they find a girl they want…_ " Olivia explained lightly.

" _I was in love… I love him._ " Gladys guiltily admitted as she turned around from the mirror to face the detective.

" _I know. That's how they trick you. It's how they get you to do what they want. They turn into the perfect man until you fall for them, and then it's all downhill from there._ " Olivia explained, understanding that his wasn't easy for Gladys, especially when such strong feelings were involved.

Gladys sniffled because tears had begun leaking from her eyes. " _Have you ever been in love?_ " She genuinely asked.

Olivia swallowed hard. " _Yes…_ " She whispered out. " _But he'd never do anything to me like what's been done to you. He'd never in a million years hit me or hurt me… what your pimp is doing to you? It's not love sweetie…_ "

" _I said no…_ " Gladys whispered. " _When he wanted me to… with his friends… I said no but he forced me to do it anyways…_ "

Olivia gave her a knowing look. " _That's rape, Gladys._ " She said strongly. " _And every time he forces you to have sex with him even when you say no, he's raping you…_ " Olivia explained. She knew that sometimes it was hard for women and men to grasp exactly what rape was and that there were blurred lines for some people.

" _Sometimes I cry but… he doesn't care. It's always whatever he wants…_ " She said as more tears flooded her face.

" _Gladys,_ " Olivia say softly. " _I am here for you. I'm not your aunt and I'm not your pimp._ " She held her arms open slightly offer Gladys comfort and a hug, which Gladys surprisingly took her up on.

The younger woman slowly made her way into the detective's arms hesitantly, as if she wasn't used to being hugged or having anyone comfort her.

Olivia backed up slightly as she hugged Gladys, moving to slowly sit down on the couch that was actually the young girl's bed.

" _I've got you, Gladys._ " Olivia good as she hugged the woman tightly, who was now resting her head on the side of Olivia's shoulder as tears leaked through the detective's shirt. " _I'll get you out of this situation if you'll just let me… I can help._ " She promised. " _I also need to know what the man looked like though. The one who tried to kill me. You've gotta tell me so I can get him off the streets and protect the others…_ "

Gladys retracted her arms from Olivia and sat up straight as she sniffled.

" _I don't remember what he looked like… they all start to look the same after a while…_ " she said and Olivia gave her a sad look.

" _Did he say anything?_ " Olivia asked, the detective in her taking back over.

" _Are you ready to meet your father?_ " Gladys replied. " _I'll never forget his voice but Spud saw him once, she went on a date with him._ "

Olivia nodded and retreated to tell Elliot.

" _Hey,_ " She called to Gladys lightly before she left the room. " _I meant everything that I said. You say the word and I'll get you out of here… you have my cell number. I'll be here in a heartbeat to get you out, just call me._ " She tried to persuade Gladys but the young woman just gave her a small smile and nodded in understanding.

Olivia knew there was a thin chance that Gladys would actually call but she still had to try.

…

Elliot and Olivia met Spud and another hooker at Pat's Diner on tenth avenue.

" _Sunshine needs to learn how to keep her big mouth shut… ain't that right Spud?_ " Spud's friend said, who had yet to share or name or surname with them.

" _I don't know… I kinda like talkin ta people…_ " Spud said.

" _Good._ " Olivia smiled. " _Then talk to us… let's start with the date who said he wanted you to meet God._ " She said but Spud gave her an unimpressed look as did Spud's friend.

" _Nah…_ " Spud said. " _I'll talk ta daddy over here…_ " She said, setting her eyes on Elliot who was seated in front of her. " _What's ya name? I like a man in uniform…_ " She said even though Elliot was clearly not in uniform.

Olivia had to keep herself from rolling her eyes at the girl but she did put a protective arm behind Elliot, resting her arm on top of his chair. This surprised Elliot, who cocked one eyebrow up and gave Olivia a side glance but she wasn't even looking at him, she was glancing around the diner, so he focused back on Spud.

" _My name's Elliot._ " He said smiling. " _So, can you describe him for me or did he say anything aside from wanting you to meet God?_ " Elliot asked.

" _Mmmm yeah I kinda remember what he look like… what do I get for telling ya?_ " She asked Elliot, looking him over seductively. Elliot half laughed and propped his right hand against his right cheek bone.

" _The fulfillment of knowing you did a good deed for the community by helping us take this rapist and murderer off the streets?_ " Elliot told her as he shrugged lightly.

" _Fine…_ " Spud relented, realizing Elliot wasn't a dirty cop and he wasn't going to give in to her. " _I've seen the preacher man I think you're talking about. He tried to-_ "

" _We've gotta go!_ " Spud's friend said quickly as she looked towards the door.

Olivia and Elliot turned around quickly to see the black man, also known as Gladys' pimp, coming in and looking directly at them.

" _Wait for me outside, I have to pay for our food._ " Spud told her friend and quickly dashed off to the register.

Olivia went to keep the man busy while Elliot walked back over to Spud as she tried to dash out the side door.

" _If you can think of anything, call me._ " Elliot said, giving Spud his card. Then Olivia joined them, standing beside Elliot.

" _And if you ever need a party girl, call me… I love cops…_ " Spud said as she licked her lips and deliberately looked Elliot up and down before handing him a folded-up napkin and leaving.

Olivia let out a small scoff and rolled her eyes this time. Elliot laughed and looked at her.

" _You jealous?_ " He asked her smiling.

" _No, of course not._ " She said a little too harshly. " _I just don't see why women need to push their tits out and throw themselves at you so bluntly…_ "

Elliot laughed again. " _I'd never get with a hooker…_ " He said. " _Well, I'd never hold it against a woman if she was a hooker in the past, but I'd never actively pay and/or sleep with a hooker._ " Elliot clarified.

" _Why not?_ " Olivia shrugged. " _You're clearly not getting any from Kathy and I won't let you fuck me so…_ "

He took a step back and stared at her in surprise. He was astonished that she'd even suggest something like that.

" _Hey-_ " He tried but she cut him off.

" _I'm sorry!_ " She said quickly as her eyes widened like she'd just realized what she'd said and suggested. " _Shit that was too far, I shouldn't have said that._ "

Elliot looked at her hard.

" _Breathe._ " He commanded lightly. " _You're in a mood. I don't know why but you are… just take a step back and take a breather._ " He suggested.

Olivia nodded and made her way out of the diner to get a breath of fresh air.

" _You okay now?_ " He asked, after finally joining her with a cup of coffee in each hand.

She nodded and took one of the coffees from him. " _Thanks_." She whispered lightly.

" _It wasn't her number…_ " Elliot said as he took a sip of his coffee. Olivia looked at him in question so he held up the napkin that Spud had given him. " _It wasn't her number. She drew a picture of the preacher and wrote down some info for us._ " He explained.

" _Okay, let's get on it then_." She said, started to walk towards their squad car. She clearly wasn't going to talk about earlier and he really didn't care to either. Olivia knew him better than that. She knew he'd never pay to sleep with a hooker.

…

Spud had called Elliot and told him the red Buick that she'd described on the napkin was circling the track where all the hookers were.

Elliot and Olivia rushed to her location and were able to catch the man red handed, trying to assault a hooker. He'd locked her in his car and Elliot had to break the window just to get the man out to cuff him. Luckily, the hooker had been prepared and she'd carried a razor with her, stabbing him when he locked her in the car and tried to attack her.

As soon as Elliot cuffed the man, he started spewing bible verses, which Elliot already knew by heart of course, due to years and years of Catholic school.

They went back to the precinct and Elliot threw him in the box.

Billy Skags was the man's name. He was clearly a 'man of the lord', or was impersonating one anyways.

Billy claimed that he never harmed a soul. He looked at the pictures that Elliot was showing him and claimed that whoever had murdered those girls had sent them to Heaven out of love. Elliot rolled his eyes.

Olivia was watching them through the glass. Elliot was more into religion and knew more about than she did, so she'd decided to let him go at this one alone. If anyone could crack him, it'd be Elliot.

Billy started spewing more Bible nonsense, and it was nonsense because clearly the Bible said nothing about murdering young girls or raping them. He was just a religious nut.

When Elliot had decided he couldn't stand it any longer and wouldn't get anything out of the man, he started to leave, only to have Bill grab his arm gently. Elliot stopped, slightly confused and listed to what Billy was saying.

" _Bless those who watch over the weak, and Lord,_ " Billy continued as he stood up and put his left and on Elliot's shoulder, " _Bless those who have chosen to protect us…_ " He said, referring to Elliot's cop status.

Olivia was confused. Usually, Elliot would never let a perp put their hands on him. This touching wasn't just normal though, there was something sensual about it. It was gentle and accommodating. She knit her eyebrows together in confusion as she watched.

Elliot was surprised but he remained calm, trying to gage what Billy was doing.

Billy was now staring Elliot in the face and had put both hands on the detective, one on each shoulder, and had begun massaging gently as he continued to speak.

As soon as Elliot caught on, he jumped in to participate, putting his hands on Billy's shoulder and did the same.

" _Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation,_ " Elliot said as Billy joined him. " _But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory._ " They said in unison. Their foreheads now pressed against each other.

Olivia had no idea what the fuck was going on.

" _Now and forever. Amen._ " They finished, their noses were practically touching. The moment was intimate. It almost looked as if they were going to kiss.

" _Should I be worried?_ " Cragen said in a slightly surprised voice, making Olivia turn around. She hadn't realized that he had joined her. For a man his size, he sure was light footed.

" _I um… I actually am not sure…_ " She said with an equally confused look as Cragen had.

The older man stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked closer to the glass window to get a better look.

" _God forgives those who sin against him…_ " Elliot whispered, still nose to nose with Billy.

" _He's trying to make a connection with him through religion._ " Cragen observed. " _Yeah…_ " Olivia replied, even though she still wasn't sure what was going on.

" _Confess your sins to Him…_ " They heard Elliot say, as they watched him tilt his head back slightly to make eye contact with Billy.

" _I have nothing to confess, detective…_ " Billy replied in a whisper. " _But I am willing to forgive… which is why I'm willing to not press charges on the little angel that cut me._ " He said as he walked around to sit down at the interrogation table.

" _Well… I know of an angel that's not going to be so forgiving…_ " Elliot replied, trying to keep his rage at bay.

He opened the door to the interrogation room and saw Olivia and Cragen standing there.

" _I'm gonna take five in the cribs…_ " He whispered as he quickly walked past them both, anger practically radiating off of them.

He walked through the squad room, receiving looks from Munch and Fin. Elliot swiftly made his way to the bunks. It was dark of course. He went to the very last one, the one farthest away from the door and was thankful that no one was in the room but him.

Slowly laying down on the bottom bunk, he took a deep breath and ran his hands down his face, as if he was trying to scrub off everything that he'd seen over the past few days.

This was insane. He couldn't understand how a man could claim to be a man of God and say that girls, women could be murdered and it be justified.

He heard the door open slowly, then shut. If he had to guess, he'd say it was Olivia but he wasn't going to call out her name in case it was Cragen or Munch that had come to check on him.

" _El?_ " She called lightly. Olivia had come to see if he was okay.

" _Last bunk…_ " He replied softly and then moved over as he saw her approaching.

" _Hey, you okay?_ " She asked as she laid down in the small space on the bed beside him.

" _You don't think it'll look weird with you laying beside me if someone comes in?_ " He asked her. Sure, it was dark, but not dark enough that it was pitch black.

" _Cragen told me to come check on you and to take a few minutes, make sure you were okay._ " Olivia explained. " _He said it in front of Fin and Munch… I think we have a good few minutes before anyone bothers us._ " She said.

Elliot nodded, taking this opportunity to turn on his right side and slide his left leg in between her legs and wrap his arms around her waist pulling her closer. He nestled his head on top of her left breast as Olivia took a deep breath because she hadn't known he was going to snuggle into her side. This was one of the rare occasions that he hadn't asked permission, he'd just taken what he needed because he knew she wouldn't fault him for it.

Olivia's left arm wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him close as her right arm rested on top of his left one that was wrapped around her waist.

" _What happened in there?_ " She asked lightly, staring at the bottom of the top bunk.

She felt Elliot shake his head so she rubbed his shoulder tenderly.

" _Elliot…_ " She started. " _If you were… if you got aroused by what just happened… that's okay._ " She said lightly.

He grabbed her waist tighter as he pulled her completely to him, his groin was against her hip.

" _Does it feel like I'm aroused to you?_ " He asked in a whisper.

Elliot heard her huff. She couldn't feel an erection or much of anything pressed against her aside from his rough jeans.

" _I'm just saying, if you were or… if you got turned on by a man, that's okay. It doesn't scare me or freak me out._ " Olivia wasn't sure what had happened in that interrogation room but she knew that if Elliot had in fact been aroused by another man, he'd be going out of his mind. It would have bothered him and confused him and messed with his head, not to mention it would have been by a rapist/murderer. She was trying to be supportive in case that was what happened.

" _I know you're a man of religion… maybe not as much as you used to be but…_ " She said.

" _I wasn't aroused, Liv._ " He told her firmly. " _I was playing a role, connecting with him through religion to try and get a confession. It didn't work, that's all._ " Elliot stated.

" _Okay._ " She said, accepting his answer.

" _I'm not turned on by men._ " He said strongly and truthfully.

" _Alright._ " She said lightly. " _It's just… there's nothing wrong with it if you are. I just wanted you to know that._ " Olivia told him.

Elliot looked up at her. He could barely make out her eyes in the darkness.

" _I know._ " He promised her. " _And there's nothing wrong with you liking women, Olivia._ " He said, then sat back on his right elbow. " _Do you think it bothers me that you're into women?_ "

Olivia scoffed and rolled her eyes.

" _I am not into women._ " She replied.

Elliot let out a small laugh as he was looming over her on the bed.

" _I know you don't like labels and I know it freaks you out sometimes…_ " He said, trailing off.

" _Elliot…_ " She said, giving him a warning.

He smiled. " _Alex was one thing, the first time you found yourself attracted to another woman… but you're gonna tell me that thing with Babs Duffy was purely experimental too?_ " He asked with a smile.

" _Ugh… I knew you wouldn't let it go…_ " She groaned. " _Come on, El…_ " Olivia begged.

" _Liv, that's an image I'll never get rid of… and I can't say I want to…._ " He said as he cuddled back into her side. " _Now, if I think about that… that will make me aroused…._ " He told her and he felt her lightly hit him on his arm.

He could remember the entire case that involved Babs Duffy. It'd been a rough one…

…

FLASHBACK:

Babs Duffy had been a mistake, Olivia was well aware of that but she was hoping she could forget about it. They met the woman on the last case that they worked, which was about two weeks ago.

The redhead was a proclaimed lesbian that fought a little too hard and too bluntly for LGBTQ rights. She'd been a pain in the ass for Elliot ever since she stepped foot in the precinct.

There'd been a murder that turns out was a hate crime. They were trying to solve the case but Babs kept popping up everywhere.

Olivia and Elliot had gone to talk to the girlfriend of the deceased, who acted like she couldn't even see Elliot. The woman was in tune with Olivia and more than willing to talk to her. Babs had showed up afterwards and she and Elliot had had words.

Elliot's lips had remained pressed tightly together and he stayed silent for the first couple of minutes during the drive back to the precinct once they'd gotten rid of Babs. He'd had a lot on his mind. Elliot had actually gone to see a shrink after Olivia had suggested it, but he didn't tell anyone. It was his secret and he wasn't ready to share it yet.

He'd been given some anti-depressants but he'd only recently filled the prescription, so they hadn't been able to kick in quiet yet while they'd had the case involving Babs. It was difficult for him to admit he needed help. He was embarrassed about the medication and was hopping his feelings of depression would just go away on their own but they didn't.

Eventually, he'd relented and gotten the prescriptions filled.

Elliot had gone to see a psychiatrist, of course going on his own time and own dime so it wouldn't be put in his jacket. He'd had to talk about his feelings and some things that were bothering him, but he'd left Olivia out of it. Talking just seemed to fuel his depression but he kept thinking about Eli and about how he needed to be there and present for his son.

So, the psychiatrist prescribed him Pristiq and Trazodone.

Pristiq was for him to take in the mornings. It is a serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor, which means it helps balance chemicals in the brain that are imbalanced due to depression. Virtually, this drug would make Elliot happier and more energetic. It would also increase his interest in activities, make him want to get out of bed in the morning, things liked that.

Trazodone was for him to take at night. It increases serotonin in the brain to help him fall asleep faster, to help him sleep through the night, and to help him sleep much better in general.

These are great meds for depression if they fit the symptoms of your depression but once you start them, you can't stop cold turkey or else it could harm your body and potentially cause suicidal thoughts to form.

So far, Elliot had been hiding the small pill bottles in his side of the closet where one of his gun drawers were. Kathy never went in there usually so he wasn't too worried she'd find them.

He'd wished they'd kicked in by the time he'd had to deal with Babs Duffy though. That woman was hell on wheels.

Eventually, they found out that the girlfriend, Sharon, was an aggressive person. There were multiple accounts of violence that involved Sharon, who was now a prime suspect.

Olivia and Elliot met up with a group of women who were on the street spreading flyers about a Lesbian Rally. Elliot got a good laugh out of Babs' name being spelled wrong but then when they saw Sharon and he tried to question her, Sharon decked him so they had to immediately arrest her.

Alex strolled in the squad room and saw Elliot sitting on top of Olivia's desk with her blotting his eyebrow with a wet napkin that was now turning a shade of pink due to his blood.

" _What the hell happened to him?_ " She asked.

Fin laughed. " _Technical term? He got punched by a chick…_ " He snickered.

Elliot rolled his eyes. " _Yeah, yeah, just wait until I get a confession out of her._ "

" _Hold on…_ " Alex stated in her 'lawyer' tone. " _A suspect assaults a police officer and charges get filed._ " She said strongly.

" _I'm fine…_ " Elliot ground out, turning to leave because he didn't wish to talk to Alex unless he absolutely had to. He hadn't talked to her much since their last encounter anyways and it had awkward as hell in the cribs when she'd walked in on him kissing Olivia's neck.

" _Would you be saying that if it was a two-hundred-pound man that slugged you?_ " She challenged him in court voice.

" _Well, next time one does… I'll let you know counselor…_ " Elliot said as he continued to leave the room, not willing to argue with her.

He and Olivia went to speak with Sharon but of course she'd only speak to Olivia. So, Elliot headed back to his desk where unfortunately, Alex was leaning against.

" _That was quick._ " The blonde said. " _She didn't hit you again, did she?_ " Alex challenged with humor, trying to lighten the mood like maybe she realized she come in too hot beforehand. She hadn't been looking for a fight.

Elliot caught her drift and decided to oblige her.

" _Some women just don't wanna talk man to man…_ " He said shrugging at Alex as he pulled out his desk chair, preparing to sit down.

" _Stabler!_ " He heard being yelled from behind him.

Elliot rolled his eyes and pushed his chair back under his desk, realizing he wasn't going to get to sit down. " _I wish she'd refuse to talk to me…_ " He said lowly to Alex as he turned to see Babs strolling towards him.

" _Look you pigheaded son-of-a-bitch, you can't drag an innocent-_ " Babs started forcefully but stopped as soon as she saw the beautiful blond with porcelain skin leaned against Elliot's desk. " _H… Hi. Babs… Babs Duffy…_ " She stuttered as she put out her hand for Alex to shake.

" _Hello, Miss Duffy._ " Alex said, extending her hand politely. She was glad to see someone in the precinct had manners. " _Assistant District Attorney Alex Cabot._ " She greeted.

Elliot snorted with laughter. " _I don't think she's ever been at a loss for words… it's nice._ " He said, referring to Babs lack of communication. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a figure.

Looking over, he saw Olivia silently watching the exchange from across the room. There was a cup of water in her hand. She must have gone to get Sharon a drink. It was usually how they got DNA when they didn't have a warrant for it.

He looked at her curiously, wondering what she was thinking but she wasn't focused on him. Her eyes were on Alex and Babs.

" _You can call me Babs…_ " She managed to blurt out. " _You're um… very beautiful._ "

Elliot watched as Olivia's eyebrow raised among hearing the exchange between the two women.

" _Thank you, Babs._ " Alex said. " _I will leave you two alone._ " The blond stated as she removed herself from Elliot's desk and headed towards the doorway.

" _You don't have to…_ " Babs said quickly as her eyes followed Alex out the door. The blonde had smiled at her as she left.

Elliot rolled his eyes and escorted Babs to an empty room to talk about whatever the hell she wanted to talk about.

Olivia had gone back to the interrogation room. She was trying to question Sharon but Fin interrupted her, letting them know the perp had struck again. The perp had a message for Babs, he said he was coming for her next. Olivia and Elliot had to talk Babs into going into protective custody.

" _Read my perfectly glossed lips._ " Babs had told them. " _I don't run._ "

" _And what happens if this man finds you and god forbid rapes you and murders you? What are your supporters and followers going to do? Where will Lesbestrong be then?_ " Olivia asked in a caring and concerned way.

" _Where would they be without Babs Duffy?_ " Olivia asked, gently putting her hand on the redhead's shoulder. " _They need you, Babs._ "

Elliot looked away so he could roll his eyes without either woman seeing him. This was getting ridiculous.

Babs had insisted that she not stay at a motel, that she'd remain in her apartment so they'd relented. There was an officer stationed outside her door but Olivia had gone home with Babs and agreed to stay with her for the first hour.

" _No internet, no secret tweeting, and please stay away from the windows…_ " Olivia stressed as she gently grabbed Babs by the shoulders and ushered her towards the living room. " _Just try and relax…_ " Olivia told her.

" _That's just it, I never relax, all right? I don't know how…_ " Babs replied. " _I'm always doing something. Planning, picketing, marching, something. I can't relax._ "

" _Why don't you take this opportunity to have a moment alone, to get your head together. Just try not to think about what's going on…_ " Olivia suggested as she followed Babs into her kitchen.

" _I don't do alone very well…_ " Babs whispered as she leaned against her kitchen counter.

This was a new side of Babs. Olivia was used to see the annoying redhead be head strong and fierce.

" _Babs…_ " Olivia said softly. " _This won't last long. Nothing pisses off my partner more than someone targeting women. He's gonna catch this guy and it'll all be over soon._ " The detective said, leaning over the opposite side of the counter, facing Babs.

Babs let out a small laugh. " _He has the hots for you, you know…_ " Babs said.

" _Excuse me?_ " Olivia replied, cocking her head to the side.

" _Stabler. He wants you._ " Babs explained.

Olivia scoffed. " _No… Uh, no. That's never gonna happen…_ " She said, being fully caught off by Babs statement. Babs had barely been around them during this case and when she was around them, she was annoying Elliot. There's no way the woman could have picked up on the chemistry between she and Elliot.

The detective decided to change the subject quickly by walked over to some framed newspaper clippings that Babs had on her wall.

" _So, you've been on the front lines for a long time…_ " Olivia observed.

" _Yeah, tear gas, three day sit in, a lot of stuff…_ " Babs said, looked at the newspapers as she came to stand beside Olivia. " _That's why this feels so weird for me… I should be out there kicking people's asses, not in here hiding like a little bitch… and feeling…_ " Babs trailed off as she began to get emotional.

" _Scared?_ " Olivia asked lightly.

" _Petrified…_ " Babs whispered.

" _I know it's hard, Babs, but you're gonna get through this._ " Olivia said in her victim voice as she moved her head to the side and made eye contact with the redhead.

" _You promise?_ " Babs asked. " _Because I don't do this every day like you do…_ "

" _I promise._ " Olivia whispered. " _Okay? Now, let's get something to eat, alright? Let's get your mind off-_ "

The brunette was cut off by Babs grabbing her and kissing her.

" _Woah…_ " Olivia said lightly. " _That… that wasn't on the menu…_ " She mumbled as she tried to get her bearings.

" _Really?_ " Babs asked seductively. " _Are you sure? Because my gaydar has been going off all day…_ " She said as she ran a hand up and down Olivia's side. The detective closed her eyes at the contact.

" _Babs… I…_ " Olivia tried but she was having trouble forming words. It'd been over two months since she'd done anything with Elliot, since anyone had touched her body. She hadn't even had time to masturbate lately. " _I'm not a lesbian…_ " Olivia whispered as she opened her eyes and looked at Babs, but did nothing to stop the redheads hand from moving at her hip.

" _Really?_ " She asked curiously. " _Because that's not what your body is saying…_ " Babs said.

Olivia rolled her eyes and let out an unimpressed laugh. She knew the other woman was talking about her nipples being hard and the flushed tint that had taken over her olive skin.

" _I'm not… I'm just… deprived… at the moment._ " Olivia tried to explain, even though she was embarassed.

Babs laughed, which caused Olivia to crack a small smile.

" _I'm being serious!_ " The detective said more firmly.

" _So, let me help you… you'll be helping me relax and get my mind off of things…_ " Babs suggested. " _The heart wants what the hearts wants…_ "

Olivia scoffed, laughing. " _It's not my heart that's wanting something…_ " She said.

Babs looked her up and down. " _You won't have to do anything… just let me…_ " The redhead said seductively, putting both hands on Olivia's hips now and moving herself closer so she could attach her lips to Olivia's.

The kiss was soft and short.

" _I'm not… I'm not getting you off Babs… I barely know you._ " Olivia said.

Babs nodded quickly. " _That's fine, that's fine. I have a hand and a vibrator… just let me…_ " She said as she leaned in for another kiss and moved her right hand from Olivia's hip to between her legs so she could rub her through her work pants.

Olivia let out a hiss at the contact as she firmly grabbed Babs' shoulder for stability and closed her eyes tightly.

" _You need this…_ " The redhead whispered as she continued to rub between Olivia's legs. Then Babs withdrew her hand and reached up to unbuckle Olivia's pants. She stuck her hand inside, reaching down inside the brunette's panties as Olivia's head lolled back in pleasure.

" _Shit…_ " Babs said lightly. " _This for me?_ " She asked upon finding Olivia wetter than she anticipated.

Olivia let out a small snort. " _No._ " She said. " _I told you… I've been deprived…_ " She explained.

Babs nodded. " _Come on._ " She said, leading her to the couch. Olivia stopped briefly to take off her badge and gun and lay it on the counter

The redhead gently pushed Olivia backwards to where she was halfway laying down. Babs grabbed Olivia's already unbuttoned pants and pulled them down swiftly, stopping at the detective's ankles to remove her shoes and socks.

Olivia closed her eyes, not willing to watch the redhead. She didn't want to think about what she was doing, she just wanted her release.

Once Olivia's bottom half was naked, Babs began kissing up Olivia's right leg until she landed at her mound, then kissed the light patch of hair. Olivia almost felt bad because she hadn't shaved lately. It wasn't that she didn't shave down there or trim herself, it's just that she hadn't had time.

Babs rubbed Olivia's legs softly as she kissed around Olivia's lips.

" _Mmmmm…_ " Olivia moaned as she arched her back slightly, causing Babs to grin and continue her work. She took the skin of one of Olivia's lips between her teeth and gently sucked at it causing a hiss to come from Olivia's mouth.

The detected had already latched onto the side of the couch, clutching until her knuckles were turning white.

Babs released Olivia's skin from her teeth and used her fingers to open up the detective's core as she slowly slipped her tongue inside.

" _Oh, God!_ " Olivia gasped with her head thrown back and her mouth open.

The redhead used her right hand to massage Olivia's lower belly as she let her mouth, lips, and tongue work on the woman's slit.

It wasn't long before Olivia's hips began moving up and down. It was clear she'd be reaching her orgasm soon, which Babs had expected would come quickly since the brunette was obviously sex deprived at the moment. The redhead was talented with her tongue, that was for damn sure. She could give Elliot a run for his money but then again, she'd probably had a generous amount of practice.

Olivia breath hitched as Babs shifted to put Olivia's right leg over her shoulder to create a better angle for her to pleasure the detective.

" _Oh, fuck!_ " Olivia gritted out between her clinched teeth as she moved her hips with Babs' tongue.

" _I'm… I'm almost there…_ " Olivia whimpered as Babs sped up her movements. " _I'm gonna…_ " She said as she opened her eyes but was met with the shock of Elliot staring directly at them. Babs back was turned to him so there's no way the redhead had registered the other detective standing in the living room.

He'd knocked but they hadn't heard him and stupidly, Babs had left her front door unlocked. Elliot had come to check on Olivia and see if she wanted a ride home, or if she needed any help with Babs but she was clearly doing just fine.

Olivia locked eyes with him briefly.

She didn't know why, but she was so fucking turned on by staring at him, especially since she was seconds away from her orgasm.

" _Fuck!_ " Olivia moaned loudly, realizing Elliot was frozen in place and that he was going to end up watching her cum. She tightened her leg over Babs' shoulder and used her right hand to grab a hand full of red hair as she thrust towards the other woman, fucking her face, but was still looking for signs that she was being too rough with the woman or had gone too far but Babs seemed content to momentarily be Olivia's bitch.

" _Yes, yes, YES!_ " Olivia said loudly as she stared into Elliot's eyes. She was now more turned on by his presence in the room than by Babs'.

Olivia's eyes shut tightly as her legs began to shake and her mouth created an 'O' shape with her lips.

The brunette detective was cumming. She was cumming hard.

Elliot stared in amazement, he felt his dick twitching. He'd never seen Olivia pleasured by anyone else, never the less, a woman's head between her legs causing the pleasure.

Elliot cleared his throat while Olivia huffed and came down from her orgasm.

" _Oh!_ " Babs jumped and turned around. When she saw Elliot, she jumped up off the floor and sat close to Olivia's center as if to shield the detective from her partner's gaze.

Olivia, though she didn't need the protection because Elliot had already seen his fair share of her, was appreciative and thankful that Babs was the kind of person that would do that.

" _I was stopping by to see if you two ladies needed anything or if Liv needed a ride… but I see you have everything covered…_ " Elliot said, holding his hands up in surrender as he turned and walked towards the door.

" _Make sure to lock the door next time!_ " He yelled towards them as he exited by the kitchen.

Olivia huffed. She wondered if Elliot was mad or turned on or disappointed… who the hell knew what he was feeling.

The two women remained silent as Olivia gently tapped Babs on the shoulder and pointed to the floor where her clothing was. She needed to get dressed and go find Elliot. They would need to talk. She knew he'd never rat her out but she needed to make sure they were okay.

" _Are you going to get fired?_ " Babs whispered as she handed Olivia her clothing.

" _No._ " Olivia told her with a thin smile. " _I'm not sure I could get fired for fucking you but even so, he's got my back and I've got his…_ " She said.

The brunette pulled her underwear and pants on as she stood up.

" _That was… really good._ " Olivia said, slightly blushing as she turned to Babs while buckling her pants. " _But you understand this was it right? There will be no second time…_ " She stressed strongly.

Babs nodded.

" _I've never fucked a detective before. I thoroughly enjoyed it…_ " She said, looking at the dark mark on her own shirt from where she'd wiped her mouth off.

" _I need to go…_ " Olivia said as she walked to the kitchen counter to retrieve her gun and badge. " _Babs, I'm sorry I… that I didn't…_ " She tried to form her words but Babs caught onto what she was saying.

" _It was enough for me… I'll take care of myself after you leave… can't promise I won't be yelling out your name though…_ " Babs said. Olivia bit her lip and shook her head. That woman always said what was on her mind and she always said way too much.

Olivia nodded and made her way to the door.

" _Stay away from the windows and off social media._ " The detective warned, pointing a finger at Babs. " _And lock this fucking door._ " She commanded as she stepped out of it and shut it behind her.

Olivia passed the officer on duty for protective custody and gave her a small nod as she made her way to the elevators. The brunette hoped the officer hadn't heard her loud sounds of pleasure. She'd completely forgotten that someone was posted in Babs' hallway. But if the officer had heard, she hadn't let on so Olivia decided to just leave it alone.

Upon leaving Babs' building, Olivia spotted Elliot sitting in their squad car. She made her way over to the passenger side and hopped in.

Olivia took in his appearance. His face was flushed but his dick wasn't hard that she could see. There was a new group of tissues in the plastic bag that they kept for trash though. If she had to guess, she'd say he'd just jacked off. The thought of it excited her.

" _We going to the diner or am I dropping you off at your place?_ " He asked, pulling away from the curb and mentioned their plans that they'd made earlier. Olivia had completely forgotten that they'd planned on going to the diner.

" _Diner._ " She decided softly and he nodded as they headed that direction.

He never mentioned Babs and she never offered up any more info about it.

…

PRESENT DAY:

" _I was scared you were mad at me for that…_ " Olivia said, turning her head to look at Elliot.

" _What? Why?_ " He asked, confused.

" _Well, we never talked about it and because we'd done things… and then I went and did something with her… I felt like I… like I…_ "

Elliot shook his head softly as he laid back down against her and hooked his finger in the top of her shirt and bra.

" _You didn't cheat on me… we'd have to be together for it to be cheating. I've told you a thousand times… you can fuck who you want._ " He said, softly rubbing her skin.

Olivia swallowed hard.

" _El,_ " She said softly. " _I miss you… I miss this…_ " She said, daring to say things that she knew they weren't supposed to say, that she knew they didn't need to say. Olivia was referring to them just being close, being comforting to each other.

Elliot gently pulled at the top of her shirt and bra until she felt cool air hit her nipple, then his warm mouth covering it.

Olivia sucked in a breath.

" _Shit, El…_ " She said in a whisper. " _We don't have time for this… you can't start this and not finish it because I won't be able to think straig- ahhhh._ " She moaned as she felt his teeth graze her nipple and she shuttered.

Elliot moved quickly to where he was leaning over her straddling him. Then he shimmied down the top of her shirt along with her bra, pushing it down her shoulders and chest until both of her breasts were out and he trained his mouth on the opposite nipple now.

" _Elliot…_ " She said breathlessly. " _We don't… have time…_ " But he kept working at a fast pace. He leaned up on his knees and grabbed her pants, along with her panties, and yanked them down to her ankles quickly and his hand instantly started rubbing her between her legs

" _Ohhh…_ " She moaned lowly as she grabbed the sheets of the bed.

Then he leaned to the side on his forearm, unbuckling is pants and pushing them and his boxers down to his ankles and re-situated himself between her hips.

" _No!_ " She said with wide eyes in a panic, thinking he was about to enter her but Elliot grabbed her hands with his own and laced their fingers together. He had completely stopped his movement and settled on top of her, holding their hands on either side of her head.

" _I'd never._ " Elliot told his calmly and seriously as his face was inches from hers. " _You've asked me not to do that and I never will until you say it's okay._ " He told her carefully, looking back and forth between her eyes. " _I was just going to rub my cock between your lips to get you off quickly… can I do that?_ " He asked.

Olivia licked her lips and looked at him. She nodded in the dark, giving him permission.

" _Verbal consent, Liv._ " He said lightly.

" _Yeah… yes, you can do that._ " She told him in a whisper. She was so damn turned on and she felt so safe with him, she wasn't sure why she had panicked.

" _You know where you are?_ " He asked, just to check and make sure that he hadn't triggered her.

" _In the cribs with you… about to murder you if you don't fucking hurry up…_ " Olivia answered, bucking her hips into his hard on, causing him to groan and smile at her response.

Elliot placed his hands up under her thighs and pull her closer to his groin. He positioned her knees up, then positioned his dick between her lips, going slow at first because she was wet and he didn't want to accidentally slip inside her.

" _Mmmnmm…_ " She whimpered as her eyes shut tightly. " _Faster…_ " She whispered harshly to him.

Elliot groaned but sped up his pace. Looking down, he could make out their parts and what they were doing. It was fucking hot but he was also keeping a watchful eye to make sure he didn't go too far.

He held her legs in his hands as he rocked.

" _El, I'm close…_ " She said softly as she bit her lip and grabbed her breasts in her own hands, squeezing them. " _Soooo close…_ " She moaned.

Elliot released one of her legs so he could move his right hand to her center and rub the top of her mound as his dick slid back and forth through her lips.

" _Oh!_ " Olivia said in surprise, as she wasn't expecting the extra stimulation. " _That's good… that's… yeah… yeah…_ " She said in a low moan. " _Mmmmmhmmmmm…_ " Olivia ground out at she gritted her teeth together to keep herself from making too much noise as she came.

Her legs shook slightly and Elliot began slowing his movements after a few seconds, knowing she was going to be sensitive.

He started fisting his dick as he crawled his way up her body.

" _Don't ever forget that I can make you cum hard, Olivia_." He whispered in her ear as he used his left arm to prop himself up on the bed above her. " _I can make your legs shake, I can make you lose your mind…_ " He said, then got up off the bed quickly and did a weird waddle because his pants were still around his ankles, moving to the trashcan that was in the corner, next to the bunks. He made it just in time to spill his load into the small trash bag that was covering the can.

" _Goddamnnnn…_." Elliot hissed as he milked his dick, letting his seed spill into the designated area.

Then he braced himself on the wall to catch his breath while his penis went limp.

He felt Olivia's arms come around him from behind. Elliot hadn't even realized she'd gotten up and fixed her clothing, redressing herself.

" _I have never forgotten what you can do to my body, El… I try to keep my distance from you sometimes for several reasons. One being that you are married and have a family._ " She said as her arms tightened around him from behind. " _I care about you too damn much to destroy that…_ "

Elliot nodded in understanding as he caught his breath.

Olivia leaned down to pull up his underwear and pants. She knew he could do it but she wanted to. Just touching him or doing little things like this for him made her feel comfort.

" _You're jealous…_ " Olivia observed after she buttoned his pants.

" _I have no right to be._ " He replied quickly, wiping a hand down his face.

" _We both get jealous sometimes…_ " She said, knowing good and well she'd been jealous her fair share of times when Elliot was getting hit on.

He turned around to face her and Olivia leaned in, planting a tender kiss on his lips.

" _They'll be looking for us soon. I'll go down first, tell them you needed a couple more minutes._ " She said and Elliot nodded.

" _Fix your hair…_ " He called after her and she began running her fingers through her hair as she exited the room.

 **I cannot tell y'all how many times I accidentally typed "Kathy" instead of "Babs" for Kathy Griffin…**

 **Thoughts? This case isn't over, as most of you know, so there will be a part two to this chapter. How soon I'll be able to get it to you, I'm not sure.**

 **Thank you soooo much for the reviews! I'm really glad people are actually liking this story and don't totally hate it.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Continued…**

After Elliot joined Olivia and everyone in the squad room, they put Billy in a line up for Gladys. She walked to the double mirrored glass with Olivia at her side.

Elliot stood back as he monitored John Buchanan, the defense attorney who was representing Billy.

The man wouldn't shut up, so Olivia wrapped her left arm around Gladys' shoulder.

" _Come on, just focus…_ " She whispered to the younger woman.

" _Don't worry young lady, I don't think they'll arrest you…_ " Buchanan said mischievously.

Gladys turned around quickly. " _Why would they arrest me?_ " She asked in a slight dismay and confusion.

" _Well…_ " Buchanan said. " _You are a prostitute…_ "

Gladys turned to Olivia quickly. " _Is he telling the truth? Are you going to arrest me?_ " She asked hastily.

" _No._ " Elliot piped up quickly from the background.

" _No, Gladys._ " Olivia said, fighting the urge to roll her eyes at the attorney. " _We just need you to identify the man that tried to kill you, I promise._ " She stressed.

" _The police lie all the time…_ " Buchanan said with a shrug and Gladys glanced behind her to look at him.

Olivia threw him a dirty look and grabbed Gladys by the shoulders, pulling the younger woman closer to her in a protective way and closer to the glass window.

" _One more word…_ " Elliot said, flexing his muscles and getting in the attorney's face. " _Just one more word, and I'll collar you for intimidating a witness, I swear._ "

" _I… I don't think I can do this…_ " Gladys mumbled as she began backing up slowly but Olivia's hold on her was firm and comforting all at the same time.

" _Yes, yes you can. Just trust me…_ " Olivia said in her victim voice. " _It's going to be okay. You can do this…_ " She said as she rubbed her hand up and down the top of Gladys' arm.

Gladys took a deep breath but nodded and Olivia gave her a small smile as she leaned forward to tell each man in line to step forward and say the proper line. Gladys was supposed to identify the man by his voice.

One by one, each man stepped up and said the line specified by Olivia. When they got to the third man, it was Billy and he refused to step for and repeat the line. Instead, he started spewing Bible verses and Gladys instantly recognized his voice. She felt like he was looking directly at her.

" _It's him, that's him! I thought you said he can't see me!_ " Gladys half yelled. " _He's staring right at me!_ " She exclaimed. Then Gladys ran out of the interrogation room in fear.

Olivia called after the young woman but Gladys was fast as she threw open the doors of the stairwell.

Before the seasoned detective could reach her, Gladys tripped and fell down the stairs. Olivia yelled for someone to call a bus and Elliot had been hot on her heels as soon as he made sure Buchanan wasn't following them.

Olivia quickly made her way to the bottom of the steps, calling out Gladys' name but she was unresponsive. Reaching down to check her pulse and body for possible injuries, Olivia stumbled upon something unsuspecting.

" _Oh, god. Oh, god!_ " Olivia exclaimed as she saw their victim's belly. She was pregnant. Who knew how far along but she was showing pretty well.

Elliot was worried about Gladys but he was also worried when he saw the look on Olivia's face. He'd seen it before. There was something in her eyes, like an internal switch had just flipped. Olivia was trying to be present, to be there for the woman before her who still lie unconscious on the cold floor at the bottom of the stairs.

He made his way to Olivia, who was crouched on the ground beside Gladys and her round belly.

" _Liv…_ " Elliot said in a dangerously low tone.

" _I know._ " She whispered back, not daring to tear her eyes away from the young woman.

" _You gotta stay with me here, you gotta focus, at least until we can get her to a hospital._ " He said quietly so no one would over hear him. " _You can't check out right now…_ " Elliot told her, looking at her for confirmation. When she didn't reply, he touched her shoulder gently with one hand.

" _I know._ " Olivia said as she turned to him to make eye contact, to assure him that she was there, that she was present and she wasn't checking out. At least not now, not yet, not until she could be away from everyone, away from the squad where she could have a moment to herself to catch her breath and digest this new development in their case.

Elliot nodded and looked around to make sure no one had come in the stairwell yet, then he leaned forward and kissed her right cheek gently. Olivia closed her eyes at the contact, cursing him for kissing her in this moment. It's not what she wanted or what she needed. It would be the very thing that'd make her break.

" _I'm here…_ " He whispered.

" _If you don't want me to shut down right now,_ " she whispered, " _Then don't do that agian._ " Olivia said as she turned her face away from him and back to examine their victim again.

Olivia was trying desperately not to think about what was occurring. She didn't want to think about how this young woman was pregnant and had not had any prenatal care, had been having high-risk sex, and that she was undoubtedly caring a child brought into this world by rape.

Even if the father was one of the sleazy men that paid her, she didn't want to be a prostitute, her pimp was forcing her to do it, along with raping her himself, probably weekly if not more. There was no doubt that this child was a product of rape.

She stayed with Gladys until the paramedics arrived. They put Gladys on a stretcher and took her to the ambulance so they could go to the hospital.

Cragen commanded for Olivia and Elliot to meet her at the hospital. After all, they were really the only ones that cared about Gladys right now. Her aunt sure as hell wasn't going to make a trip to the ER. In fact, she'd probably complain about it, then complain about the pregnancy if she found out, then she'd complain about their money problems.

" _Let me hit the restroom then we'll head out…_ " She threw her words at Elliot then walked swiftly towards the lady's room.

Fin had watched the whole exchange. He could tell when Olivia was off kilter. He didn't always comment on it because he wasn't her partner and sometimes it wasn't his place, but he could almost always tell.

" _She okay?_ " Fin asked as he approached Elliot from behind with his hands in his pockets.

Elliot huffed. " _Gladys is pregnant._ " He stated, giving Fin a look.

" _Rape baby._ " Fin commented and Elliot nodded his head. " _I'ma go check on her._ " He said.

" _I wouldn't._ " Elliot replied, giving Fin a look.

" _I know, that's why I'm gonna do it._ " He said, throwing Elliot a dirty look. Elliot only exhaled and sat down at his desk, pretending to focus on paper work until his partner came out of the restroom and was ready to leave. He couldn't tell Fin the reason he couldn't go check on Olivia was because he would have the overwhelming urge to kiss her until she was okay, and to hold her until she was calm and collected.

They had a bad reputation for fucking things out when one of them needed stress relief after a hard case and even though this case wasn't anywhere near over, if Elliot walked into that bathroom and Olivia asked him to get her off, he'd drop to his knees instantly and get to work on her.

…

" _Baby girl, I'm comin' in!_ " Fin announced semi loudly. He knew he didn't need to say who it was, he was the only one who ever called Olivia 'Baby girl'. He could hear the sink running from outside the door, which signaled that she wasn't in a stall. If he had thought she was truly using the bathroom, he wouldn't have entered.

" _Fin,_ " She said while splashing her face with water, " _There could have been other women in here…_ "

They both knew it was a lie and he called her out on it.

" _You're the only female that works in our squad… the female officers passin' through rarely use this bathroom._ " He said as he made his way over to her and parked himself to her left, turning around and leaning his ass against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest. " _You wanna talk?_ "

" _No._ " She said sharply as she reached to grab a paper towel then blotted the cold water off her face so she didn't mess up her makeup, or what was left of it anyways.

He nodded.

" _That's okay…_ " He said. " _Just wanna make sure that you remember I got your back…_ " Looking at her with caring and concerning eyes. He did have her back and would for the rest of her life. Fin was that type of man. Once you made it into his circle, you usually didn't leave it unless something drastic happened.

Olivia leaned up, propped her hands on the edge of the counter to brace herself and looked at herself in the mirror.

" _I know._ " She replied as nonchalantly as she could.

She was sizing herself up, analyzing herself like no one should do. When she was forced to look or see at children of rape, especially babies not born yet, it made her think about her life and herself, about how fucked up she was and about how she constantly fucked up.

" _Sometimes, I think you forget._ " Fin said, bringing her out of her analysis. " _So, I'd like to remind you that I got your back and that I…_ " He stopped talking on purpose because he was seeking her attention. He knew that she was halfway listening and he wanted her full focus for what he was going to say next.

" _That you what?_ " She asked, turning to look directly at him.

" _That I love you._ " He replied softly with a small smile.

Olivia's eyes watered instantly and she bowed her head to look at the ground.

" _Fuck you._ " She whispered at him because he knew good and well saying that would knock her over the edge and send her emotions sailing. She brought her right hand up to the bridge of her nose in an unsuccessful attempt to stop her tears that were already beginning to flow.

He'd told her he loved her only a handful of times. Each one had been during a moment like this, during a time when she was in dire need of hearing those three little words from someone who she knew meant them. It was the three words that she wanted to hear so badly from Elliot but wouldn't allow it.

" _C'mere…_ " He whispered as he grabbed her left wrist lightly and gently tugged on her arm until she caved and wrapped her arms around his chest. Fin wrapped his arms around her shoulders in a protective embrace as she rested her chin on his right shoulder.

" _That wasn't the response you're suppose to give back…_ " He told her lightly but she could hear the smile in his voice. He knew it'd always been hard for her to hear those three words and the handful of times that he'd said it to her, she'd gotten emotional almost every time.

" _Fin…_ " She said shakily.

It was only one word, it was only his name but his understood. There was so much emotion and fear in her voice, so much vulnerability and strength all at once in the way that she said it. The word was weighted, heavy with her struggle to maintain her composure and keep herself put together long enough to make it through the hospital trip, and to get back to her apartment so she could properly break down and put herself back together again by the time she had to be at work the next morning.

" _I know…_ " He replied to her saying his name. " _I got you, baby girl._ " Fin soothed as his arms tightened around her. " _I always got you._ "

After a couple minutes of standing there with Fin rubbing her back gently, Olivia took a deep breath and stepped away from his embrace. She wiped at her eyes but it was no use trying to hide her tears that had fallen.

" _I'm glad you're here… you know that._ " Fin told her gently and she felt her eyes tear up once more.

Fin wasn't talking about her being at work, or at the precinct, or even in their SVU unit. He was referring to her being alive, to the fact that she was a living, breathing, human standing in front of him and not some aborted fetus.

Olivia had made the drunken mistake of telling fin one night after a bad case that her mother had told her she would have had an abortion had they been legal but she wasn't allowed to. Granted, her mother had been polishing off a rather large bottle of vodka when she'd told teenage Olivia Benson this, it still hurt because Olivia knew it was the truth. It was also something that she'd never told Elliot. Fin was the only one that knew, thanks to those tequila shots after work.

Beliefs had interfered with Olivia's reaction to her mother's drunken confession.

On one hand, Olivia was angry with her mother for telling her this. It was something no child should have heard from their parent or anyone in their life for that matter, but on the other hand, as Olivia got older, she understood. So, she wasn't so much angry at her mom for wanting to abort her, she was just angry that her mother had told her about it.

Olivia believed in pro-choice. She actively believes that a pregnant woman should have the right to abort her child, especially if she's been raped or the child has some sort of genetic problem or disability. If the child is going to be in pain their entire life due to a disability or genetic malfunction, why not send them on to a better place and skip the pain?

She'd also made the mistake on that same drunken night, to tell Fin that when she was a teenager, she had even agreed with her mother, wishing she'd been aborted. It would have been better than being constantly verbally and physically abused by her mother was Olivia's thoughts.

That same night, she'd cried, and Fin had cried with her. It'd been the one and only time she'd even seen that man shed a tear.

They'd ended up making a pact about how she wouldn't tell anyone he'd cried if he never told anyone about the stuff with her mom.

" _I am glad you are here, Olivia._ " He said again, slightly rephrasing his previous statement when she didn't respond in a timely manner.

Olivia swallowed hard as she fixed what was left of her makeup while looking in the mirror.

" _I know…_ " She whispered to him. " _Me too…_ " She said as she threw the paper towel away and looked at him dead in the eye. He gave her a thin smile, that she also returned and then they made their way to the bathroom door.

She put her hand on it to open it but stopped briefly.

He was standing behind her at close proximity. Olivia turned her head slightly to the right so she could just see his outline in her peripheral vision.

" _Fin,_ " She said in a small voice. " _I love you too… I… you keep me grounded sometimes… I'm sorry we don't hang out more…_ " Olivia's simply reply had turned into an apology.

" _Nah, don't do that._ " He commanded lightly as he placed his right hand on her right shoulder. " _Don't apologize. We see each other every day nearly. It's cool._ "

Olivia nodded and she felt him squeeze her shoulder before dropping his hand, then she opened the door to head back to the squad room.

She wasn't too surprised to find that Elliot had already left. Someone needed to be at the hospital with their vic and she had taken too long.

" _Bastard…_ " She heard Fin mumble. Olivia turned to catch his eyes, shook her head 'no', then nodded her head towards Cragen's office, who was sitting at his desk staring at them. Fin gave her a nod of understanding. Clearly, Cragen had ordered Elliot to leave without her.

" _I'm gonna go meet him at the hospital._ " She directed at him and then tipped her head at the captain to signal that she was headed out and she hoped to god that he couldn't tell that she'd been crying.

…

Olivia caught a cab and joined Elliot at the hospital just in time for the doctor to come out and give them an update on Gladys.

Turns out, Gladys was twenty-four weeks pregnant and apparently healthy.

Elliot stressed how much they needed to talk to her as Olivia stayed quiet, taking in all the information that the doctor had given them. The doctor refused to let them see Gladys for the time being because she was still under observation and needed rest. Olivia was relieved that they couldn't see the young woman right away. Elliot and Olivia opted to wait in the waiting room since the doctor had told them it would be long.

" _You okay?_ " Elliot asked as they sat down side by side in the waiting room.

" _Yep._ " She replied with a fake smile.

Elliot shook his head lightly. " _You can't pull that bullshit with me…_ " He whispered as he casually draped his right arm behind Olivia on her chair. It'd look casual to anyone else but he'd put it there for comfort and support. " _I know you better than that, Liv._ " He said.

Olivia glanced away and focused on her hands in her lap.

" _I don't want to talk about it._ " She told him firmly.

Elliot nodded. " _I can respect that… just know that if you do, I'm here… and even if you never do, I'm still here._ "

Olivia glanced at him and cast him a thin smile that told him she understood, then she took out her phone and began checking emails, reading texts, anything to get her mind off of what was going on for the moment.

In the meantime, Alex was able to get a judge to review Gladys identification of Billy even though she hadn't said his number but had bluntly pointed and yelled " _that's him!_ "

When the doctor did finally relent and allow the detectives to see Gladys, she was in her normal clothes again, having taken off the hospital gown, and was getting ready to be discharged.

Olivia put on her detective face, not willing to let her emotions get the best of her.

" _Looks like you're doing better._ " Elliot commented.

" _I feel awesome…_ " Said a smiling Gladys. " _Everyone here is so freaking nice._ " She said as she glanced around the room, a room that she'd had to herself, where she'd had a bed to sleep in and had even been served a hot meal when she'd woken up.

It was like for the first time in a long time, she'd gotten some decent rest. She hadn't been forced to sleep on a tiny couch in a room that wasn't hers in a home that she paid most of the bills for but wasn't hers either.

" _But Gladys, you can't ignore the fact that you're pregnant…_ " Olivia piped up lightly. She wanted to make sure that if this girl was set on having this baby, which she obviously was because she was way past the cutoff date to have an abortion, that she was going to get proper care.

" _I'm not ignoring it anymore._ " She said. " _I have an appointment at the clink tomorrow._ " Gladys said matter of factly. " _I'm taking my vitamins too. I don't think I've ever been this excited about anything…_ " She said, smiling as she rubbed her hands over her belly.

Olivia licked her lips and stepped towards Gladys, passing Elliot.

" _But you understand that if you decide to keep the baby, you're going to have to make some big changes in your life._ " Olivia said almost forcefully. She'd be damned if she let this child have a childhood like she had or worse.

" _What the hell are you talking about?_ " Gladys asked, looking at Olivia like she had two heads on her shoulders. " _Of course, I'm keeping my baby…_ " She said as she shrugged her jacket on.

Olivia was slightly relieved to see excitement in Gladys about this child. She knew her own mother had never felt that way.

" _Well, if you change your mind, there are organizations that can help with adoption._ " Elliot threw out there, letting the younger woman know that she didn't have to keep her rapist child.

Gladys looked at him as if he were stupid. " _I won't change my mind. I want a new life and this is my chance to have it…_ " She said as she buttoned up her coat.

Olivia let out a sigh. This was going to be a difficult road for Gladys.

" _You're giving life to the baby…_ " Elliot said gently, now stepping forward to be side by side with his partner. " _Not the other way around…_ "

" _I'm gonna be a good mom, I promise._ " She said. " _I already love my baby so freaking much. I've been thinking of names and stuff…_ "

Olivia's eyes began to water. Either Gladys was in denial about the fact that she was carrying her rapists baby or she was just ignoring it all together. Either way, it was beautiful how she talked about this child that hadn't even entered the world yet.

" _What baby?!_ " Came a voice and Elliot and Olivia looked behind them to see Gladys' aunt in the doorway.

" _I'm… I'm pregnant…_ " Said Gladys in a small voice. Elliot and Olivia moved so that the aunt could make her way over to her niece.

It only took a matter of seconds before the aunt got loud and in Gladys' face. She was talking rather loudly about how Gladys lies about everything, about how she was just a screw up and probably didn't even know who the father was.

At one point the aunt grabbed Gladys by her jacket collar, in which Elliot stepped in quickly and let the aunt know that he would have none of that.

Olivia tried to butt in and tell the aunt that she should support her niece but the aunt turned around and snapped at Olivia.

" _You need to butt out detective. This is none of your damn business._ " The aunt said.

" _Excuse me?_ " Olivia replied quickly, cocking an eyebrow and stepping forward, and more so towering over the aunt instead of getting in her face because Olivia had a good foot on her in height. " _You need to support your niece._ " Olivia said strongly and firmly.

" _What are you gonna do if I don't?_ " The aunt challenged. " _You need to leave!_ "

Before Olivia could move forward anymore, she felt Elliot's arm around her waist dragging her backwards. She grabbed at his hand but he tightened his grip and shook his head. Olivia cast the aunt a glare as she relented and went with Elliot to exit the hospital room.

" _You gotta calm down. We can't collar her for anything and even if we could, Gladys would be forced to take care of her baby and two nephews… There's nothing we can do right now, Liv._ " He said once they were headed towards the lobby and he'd released her waist. Elliot shot her a glance, his eyes were sad. He knew she was hurting.

Olivia firmly believed that if her mother had had support, if she'd just had a small support system, then maybe things would have been okay, that they would have turned out differently.

Elliot drove them back to the precinct where they opted to have some coffee since Munch hadn't made it today.

They sat down at their desks and started working on their paperwork for the case.

Olivia couldn't get Gladys out of her head. She felt bad for her and wished there was something she could do. Maybe she could take her to a shelter? Or get her involved with an organization that helped younger, expecting mothers?

" _Maybe Gladys will turn her life around and change for the better of her baby…_ " Olivia said softly into the squad room. Her comment was more so directed at Elliot since he was the only one there.

Munch and Fin must have gotten called out and Cragen's blinds were drawn so either he wasn't in his office or he didn't want to be disturbed.

" _In my opinion,_ " Elliot said, " _The only chance that baby has is if she gives it up for adoption._ " He shrugged his shoulders.

" _You think I would be better off if I had been adopted?_ " She asked lightly, looking up from her paperwork and staring him dead in the eye.

" _I think I would give anything to change your childhood, Olivia._ " Elliot replied, giving her a thoughtful look. " _I hate what you went through and what your mom put your through… I know I don't know everything that happened, but I know enough to hate her and the way she treated you._ " He said, resting his arms on his desk.

Olivia narrowed her eyes and knit her eyebrows together.

" _Don't say you hate my mom…_ " Olivia said defensively, putting her pen down and leaning back in her desk chair as she crossed her arms over her chest.

A look of disbelief crossed Elliot's face.

" _You defending your abuser?_ " He questioned lightly, now focusing more on her body language and what she was saying.

Olivia's mouth opened as a shocked expression crossed her face.

" _Don't call her that!_ " She said quickly and probably louder than she should have.

Elliot gawked at his partner now. " _She abused you, Liv. Even if I don't know the details, it doesn't take a genius to see that she hurt you in more ways than one._ " He said softly. " _She's an abuser, who just happens to also be your mom. You don't have to defend her honor and as far as I'm concerned, she hasn't got any to defend and she never defended you._ " He said. Elliot was partially in disbelief that they were talking about Serena like this, especially since she was dead.

He knew there was emotional and physical abuse but he didn't know of any particular incidents. There were times that he wanted to ask but didn't.

" _I know what happened to me and where I came from._ " She told Elliot carefully. " _I'm not defending her, I'm just saying I understand some of it… the drinking, the depression… I get it. We see it in rape victims all the time._ "

Elliot shook his head swiftly.

" _That doesn't excuse the abuse you suffered at her hands…_ " He said.

Olivia swallowed hard and gazed around the room just so she wouldn't have to look at him for a moment. She didn't really like talking about this with Elliot. She was already on edge from earlier.

Even though she'd had a good orgasm earlier in the day, you couldn't tell by her mood now. Any relief it had given her was gone. She was tense and tired of dealing with this case. It was draining her emotions.

Olivia ran her hand swiftly through her hair.

" _Can we drop this topic?_ " She asked, even though it wasn't really a question. She was dropping it whether Elliot wanted to or not. Olivia didn't know what had come over her or why she'd all the sudden got so defensive about Serena. It surprised her even more that Elliot apparently had strong feelings towards the now deceased woman.

" _Am I interrupting something?_ " Alex asked as she entered the squad room. She had heard them talking as she walked down the hall from the elevator and it had sounded pretty serious.

" _No. What's up?_ " Olivia said, happy to end her conversation with Elliot.

" _Bad news._ " Alex said and Elliot huffed, running a hand down his face. " _Upon further review Judge Maskin rejected your lineup identification._ " She explained. " _She wants a wade hearing so Gladys can make and official witness ID of the perp._ "

Both detectives knew Gladys would freak out if she had to see Billy face to face. She freaked out behind the two-way mirror.

Elliot huffed and looked at his stack of paperwork. Olivia told Elliot that she'd go see Gladys, then she gave Alex a nod as she grabbed her jacked and headed towards the elevator.

…

Olivia didn't feel right going to see Gladys empty handed. Especially when she was about to ask the woman to do something that was terrifying to her. So, Olivia stopped by a small baby store on her way to Gladys' aunt's house. She picked up a small gender-neutral outfit for the baby and a couple of gender neutral toys and put it all in a small gift bag.

When Olivia arrived at the apartment, the aunt informed her that Gladys wasn't there. Naturally, Olivia asked if the aunt knew when she'd be back.

" _Not anytime soon…_ " The aunt replied as she tried to shut the door in Olivia's face but Olivia was quick. She jammed her foot in the door so it wouldn't close and her hand flew to the door, forcing it open.

" _Did you kick a pregnant girl out on the street?_ " Olivia asked firmly, her Badass Benson voice and face making an appearance.

" _I gave her every chance at a normal life._ " The aunt spat at Olivia.

" _Are you fucking kidding me?_ " Olivia asked forcefully. " _You gave her a lousy sofa to sleep on as long as she paid your rent and most of your fucking bills!_ "

The aunt shook her head from side to side.

" _Look, I got two kids of my own and disability doesn't make ends meet._ " She said, arguing with Olivia. " _How the hell am I supposed to pay for her and her baby?_ "

" _Not by abandoning her._ " Olivia stated bluntly.

The aunt shrugged. " _Look,_ " She said again. " _That girl makes her own decisions and she started when she agreed to let that pimp into her life…_ "

" _No!_ " Olivia said angrily, forcing the door opened completely now and standing at her full height as she walked closer to the aunt. " _She was twelve years old!_ " Olivia said loudly. " _Getting into his car was the last decision she ever made on her own!_ " She explained. It was taking every bit of Olivia's strength to not get in this woman's face or walk into her apartment uninvited.

" _Have you ever heard of 'Breaking a Bitch'? That's what pimps do to young girls._ " Olivia said more forcefully than she should. The woman's neighbors were probably listening to their entire conversation by now. " _They never have a chance. The pimp makes them so dependent and literally breaks their souls. None of them ever have a fucking chance, but Gladys had one now, here with you!_ " Olivia exclaimed.

" _I love her, I do… but I was at the end of my rope and I threw her out…_ " The aunt explained as she started crying, as if she actually felt bad.

It took everything inside Olivia to not roll her eyes. This woman didn't know what unconditional love was.

Olivia asked where Gladys went, the aunt said she never asked but that right before she left, she used her computer. Olivia nodded, taking the computer with her to the crime lab so they could run a diagnostic test on it to see what activity Gladys had done recently. She'd called Elliot on the way and he'd met her at the crime lab.

Gladys last activity was on Craig's list where she posted an ad. It was the same place you could buy a used lawnmower… or a woman. It was a personal add with a nude picture of Gladys, with a bed comforter covering up her belly.

" _Oh, god._ " Olivia said as she saw the add.

One person responded to it. He'd told her to come by at eight, that he and his friends wanted to go hard and raw, then he'd given an address.

Elliot and Olivia sprinted to the door, telling the tech guy to text one of them the address.

Olivia hopped in the driver's seat and threw her siren on immediately as she sped off and straight into traffic, almost colliding with another vehicle.

" _Calm down._ " Elliot said. " _Take a breath._ "

Olivia bit her lip and continued her rapid driving to their location that Elliot had now pulled up on his phone.

" _Tell me where to turn._ " She commanded him.

" _Easy!_ " He squeaked as she ran smack through a red light. They could do that of course because they were cops, but usually they'd slow down and make sure traffic saw them coming. " _I'd like to get there in one piece._ " He said and she shot him a glare.

" _Tell me where to turn._ " She said again as she focused on the road, speeding and honking the horn to make sure people know to move out of her way.

" _It's a ways up here, I'll tell you when._ " Elliot reassured her. He had grabbed onto the door handle above his head and kept an eye on his navigation system as he glanced up at the road slightly fearfully.

" _Babe!_ " He said loudly as she breezed through another red light and horns honked at them from the surrounding vehicles.

" _What the fuck did you just call me?_ " She said in a dangerously low voice and Elliot swallowed hard. He hadn't even realized it slipped out. That wasn't something they did. They weren't on that level.

" _Shit._ " He whispered more so to himself as he gripped the handle above his head harder.

" _Shit's right. You're gonna pay for that._ " She said silently as she looked around herself to make sure it was clear for her to change lanes. He did not have her consent to call her pet names.

Finally, they somehow arrive in once piece to Elliot's surprise.

The gentlemen were a couple of grad students who were supposedly studying for finals but the place smelled like weed and it was clear by their attire that they had been up to something else.

Elliot kept the men busy while Olivia raced through the house in search of Gladys. When she found the woman, she yelled for Elliot.

The young woman was unconscious on the bed lying face up.

" _Gladys? Gladys! Can you hear me, it's Detective Benson!_ " Olivia said as she stood beside the bed and attempted to get Gladys to be responsive. She gently tapped on Gladys' cheeks but still no response.

" _Oh, god! Her water broke!_ " Olivia yelled to Elliot as she discovered that the bed was wet and lifted the covers. She heard him immediately radio it in.

" _She seizing!_ " Olivia said loudly as Gladys started to stiffen and her back arched with her mouth open. " _El, help me!_ " She pleaded and he made his way over to his partner, helping her turn Gladys on her side so she wouldn't swallow her tongue or choke on her vomit.

After a few minutes, the seizure stopped but Gladys was still unresponsive. Soon, the paramedics arrived and Elliot and Olivia followed them to the hospital. Of course, they had to wait in the waiting room.

" _Olivia-_ " Elliot started but she cut him off.

" _No._ " She said firmly, holding up her hand. " _Not now. And not here._ "

She wasn't sure what Elliot was going to say but she didn't want to hear it. It was hard enough keeping herself together right now. Olivia was feeling a lot of emotions. Anger, sadness, fear. It was a wide range of emotions and she was trying to channel them all and deal with them in the appropriate manner.

The doctor appeared sooner than they expected.

Gladys was okay, she would survive but the baby had to be taken via c-section. The child was four months early and would need multiple surgeries plus months of care in the NICU. It was going to be a tough road for the mother and child.

Elliot bit his lip. He didn't know what to say or do. He didn't know how Olivia was feeling or what she was thinking because she wouldn't talk to him.

Everything was complicated.

" _What are her chances?_ " A very teary-eyed Olivia asked the doctor. " _The baby, you said it's a girl, right? What are her chances?_ "

The doctor gave Olivia a sad look. " _Babies born any earlier than this, we place in hospice. I'd say this little girl has a chance of seventeen to forty percent of survival rate. She already had respiratory and breathing problems, her lungs aren't fully developed yet…_ "

" _It still worth it._ " Elliot stated, speaking up. The Catholic man in him coming to light. He'd always believe in fighting for a child and while he was against abortion, he believed women should have the right to say one way or another.

" _I can't say that I agree with you…_ " The doctor said.

" _You don't think heroic measures should be taken?_ " Olivia asked in confusion.

The doctor gave a small shrug. " _I think withholding treatment is an option…_ " She said.

Olivia's mouth fell open in surprise and Elliot cocked his head to the side.

" _It's not an option, it's murder._ " He said bluntly. Say what you will about a fetus but this child is already born, it has already been brought into this world and Elliot's beliefs were very clear about that. God or no god, a child should be saved at all costs if it could be saved. That was just basic human instinct.

" _Pouring thousands, if not millions of dollars into a baby who will be blind, have cerebral palsy, and severe mental retardation, you think that's best for her? That it would be better for this child to live her life in pain and suffering rather than to let her pass on in a painless death?_ " The doctor challenged him.

" _I agree with you there,_ " Elliot stated. " _But you cannot say for sure that this child will have any of those problems, and that she will not live a normal life._ " He said.

Olivia still remained quiet. She was slightly in shock. There was so much going on in her mind right now and watching Elliot fight for this child that wasn't even his was Earth shaking to her.

" _The odds of this baby living a normal life are very, very small._ " The doctor replied.

Elliot huffed and Olivia took this as her chance to speak up.

" _Does Gladys know all this? Does she know the condition of her daughter?_ " The brunette detective asked.

" _I told her but I don't think it's sunk in yet. Usually when parents get this news, they go into some form of shock. It takes a bit for them to digest the information._ " The doctor explained.

Elliot started pacing the floor and looking at his shoes. Olivia had nodded at the doctor's words. Then the doctor had excused herself so she could go tend to other patients.

The detectives were allowed to enter the NICU to see Gladys and the baby but only Olivia went. Elliot opted to stay in the waiting room. Whether it was because he couldn't handle it because of what had happened with Eli or he just thought it would be best to let her handle this on her own, Olivia didn't know but she went anyways.

…

" _She's beautiful._ " Olivia commented with a big smile on her face as she walked over to stand beside Gladys and stare down at the child. " _Does she have a name?_ "

" _I don't know… I've been thinking but… I just wanna pick the right one…_ " Gladys said. " _And I just wanna take her home._ "

Olivia wondered if Gladys' aunt had reached out and opened her home back up to her niece. She should have. Olivia had put the fear of God into that woman from the way she talked with her.

" _The doctor said she may be here a while…_ " Olivia stated to Gladys.

Gladys shrugged, not really looking at Olivia. " _I'm not worried… she'll be fine._ "

Olivia took a deep breath. She needed to make sure that Gladys was okay, or as close to okay as someone could be in this situation. There was no way any human being would be okay here.

" _What if she isn't?_ " Olivia asked gently. " _Have you thought about what you want the doctors to do?_ "

" _Yeah… well… sorta…_ " The younger woman half answered. She was sad and scared. A new, young, single mother who now had a very sick daughter. It would be a tough decision for anyone to make and there is no correct choice either way.

" _Your daughter is very sick…_ " Olivia stated. " _She can't suck, swallow, or even breathe on her own…_ " Olivia said gently, wincing at her own words. It was sad.

" _Do you think she's suffering?_ " She asked the detective.

Olivia took a deep breath and lifted her shoulders lightly. " _I… I don't know…_ " She answered honestly.

" _She can't die… she can't. I told them to do whatever they need to do to save her…_ "

Olivia nodded and wrapped her arms around a now emotional Gladys.

" _It's alright, I've got you._ " Olivia soothed as she held her victim close. She'd told Gladys that she'd get her out of the pimp game, out of prostitution and help her but her being pregnant and having this child took things to a new level. Either way, Olivia would still do what she needed to in order to support Gladys.

…

Olivia left NICU after Gladys calmed down. Upon checking her phone, she saw that Elliot had gone back to the precinct to work on some paperwork. So, she caught a cab and went back to the precinct.

She wasn't mad that he'd left her at the hospital and he knew she wouldn't be. Olivia had spent over an hour with Gladys. The woman needed comfort and care, the motherly kind and Olivia did her best to sooth her.

" _Gladys wants to use heroic measures to save her baby as of when I left the hospital but she keeps going back and forth…_ " Olivia told Elliot as she took her jacket off and draped it across the back of her chair.

Elliot was quiet for a moment, trapped in his own thoughts about the situation. Olivia sat down at her desk and began looking at her paperwork that she still hadn't finished.

" _She wants to use heroic measures to save her child. Who wouldn't?_ " Elliot commented lightly.

" _What if keeping her alive does more harm than good?_ " Olivia asked softly as she gazed up at Elliot, wondering if his faith was taking over his thinking. He'd told her he didn't much attend church anymore but that he still believed, just more undenominational and less Catholic. There'd always be a part of him that was Catholic though, he was raised that way and it was in his blood.

Elliot stood up and walked the three steps to the filing cabinet to put some paperwork in there.

" _If you had kids you wouldn't be asking that question…_ " He said nonchalantly as he flipped through the files, trying to find the correct space to insert his papers.

Olivia felt her heart nearly stop. If Elliot looked at her, he'd be able to see shock and pain all over her face, but he stayed busy at the filing cabinet. She swallowed hard as she felt her mouth go dry.

" _So, just because I'm a mother, I don't know anything and don't care about this baby?_ " She challenged as her facial features showed a hint of anger and her hazel eyes darkened.

Elliot looked up at her comment with his mouth slightly open, as if he had just realized his mistake. He'd spoken without thinking. He'd fucked up. He'd fucked her up.

" _That's not what I meant…_." Elliot said lightly as he made his way back to his desk, standing by it and staring at her, as if he was trying to figure out if this was going to be one of the memorable Benson  & Stabler fights.

If it was, he deserved it for being an asshole to her.

Then she spoke again.

" _What if little Eli was going to die? Or what if he was so disabled that he would be in constant pain his entire life and would need around the clock care and sedation just to survive what sad life he'd have on this Earth?_ "

Shots fired. And she'd hit him where it hurt.

Elliot leaned forward, bracing himself on his desk, closing his eyes, and taking a deep breath as if she'd physically punched him in the gut. He didn't want to think about Eli like that. He couldn't. It'd kill him. Especially after how they'd almost lost Eli when he was born and he was born slightly prematurely.

Olivia watched him. She wasn't enjoying his pain but at the same time, his comment had hurt her more than he could ever know. Because she was a mother. Olivia Benson had been the mother of his child. She hadn't been able to carry to term or even know that she was carrying until it was too late but, she was a mother. She'd had a baby in her belly and that was enough for her to consider herself a mother to an angel that she hadn't gotten to meet.

" _I… I wouldn't play god._ " Elliot said, walking around his desk.

Olivia cocked her head to the side and gave him a pity look. " _Then don't play doctor either._ " She replied.

Elliot started to walk out the doors, shaking his head and not wishing to talk further about this topic but then Alex Cabot waltzed in. He turned to look at Olivia before he left. He'd stand out in the hall and eves drop on the ADA. If she had info about the case, he'd stay and listen. If she was personal talking with Olivia, he'd leave.

" _That's the second time I've come in here and felt like I've interrupted something…_ " Alex told Olivia as she walked towards the brunette and decided to take a seat on top of Stabler's desk.

" _Yeah, well…_." Olivia trailed off, shaking her head as she pushed her hair behind her ear and began to focus on her paperwork again.

" _It about the baby?_ " Alex asked.

Olivia shrugged. " _That, among other things…_ " She said. " _What brings you here counselor?_ " The detective asked, using her Benson voice to usher them back onto a work topic.

" _I need Gladys to testify._ " She said.

Elliot rolled his eyes in the hallway. There's no way that young woman was leaving her baby's side.

" _That child is in NICU._ " Olivia said. " _She's not going to leave the hospital. Her baby is still in critical condition…_ " She explained.

" _I'm not letting Billy back on the streets._ " Alex said.

Olivia looked at Alex as if she were crazy. " _What do you expect me to do?_ " She asked, leaning back in her chair.

Alex hopped off of Elliot's desk. Taking a big breath, she asked of Olivia what she wished she didn't need to.

" _Arrest her for prostitution._ " Alex said in a calm tone, then swallowed hard because she was a bit scared of Olivia's reaction.

" _Are you fucking kidding me?_ " Olivia said a little too loudly as she stood up quickly. " _You're out of your goddamned mind!_ "

Elliot wasn't surprised his partner was going off. He was proud of her for doing it too. He continued to lurk in the hallway, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest.

Alex huffed. She'd known this was coming.

" _Just arrest her, after the trial I'll cut her lose. No prostitution charges will ever be on her record._ " The ADA explained quickly.

Olivia shook her head and walked closer to Elliot's desk.

" _What if something happens to the baby while Gladys is in court? What if she needs to make a decision and isn't able to because she's testifying? Of what if, God forbid, the baby dies while she's in court?_ " Olivia said forcefully, walking closer to Alex and almost getting in the blonde's face.

" _Do you have any fucking idea what it's like to not be able to say your goodbyes to your child? To not have any fucking closure because you weren't there when your child passed on?_ " Olivia said loudly.

Alex looked shocked. The one thing she'd gotten better at while she was with Olivia was reading the brunette. There was something in her voice, a hint of something that Alex couldn't put her finger on.

" _Do… do you?_ " Alex whispered lowly to Olivia as she stared at the woman in front of her.

The blonde may have whispered her words but Elliot had heard them. His whole body had gone rigid now. His ears had also picked up something in Olivia's voice. He wasn't sure what it was or where it'd come from but it was something that he couldn't place either.

He held his breath when Alex asked her question. There's no way Olivia would've had a child and not told him about it. If she would have had a child, he would have noticed her pregnancy. He was in tune with her and had been their entire partnership. He knew when she went to the doctor to get her birth control shot for fuck's sake.

She could've gotten pregnant as a teenager, Elliot supposed. It happened to a lot of young girls but still, he felt like she would have told him, or he hoped she'd trust him enough to tell him.

A beat of silence passed where he heard nothing from either woman.

" _I am not arresting her. I won't do it._ " Olivia said calmly. She must have taken a few deep breathes because she sounded better now and less pissed off.

She'd dodged Alex's question.

Alex gave Olivia an apologetic look.

" _It's not from me… it's not my orders._ " The ADA stated. She'd fought to not have Gladys arrested, she'd gone to bat for the woman that she didn't even know and had only briefly met.

Olivia's face changed.

" _They're orders from higher up?_ " She asked lightly.

Alex nodded.

" _Shit._ " Olivia said.

Orders from higher up had to be followed. There was no challenging them or going against it. It was non-negotiable.

" _I… I don't know if I can do this, Alex…_ " Olivia hesitated, running her hand through her hair and taking a deep breath, gazing around the squad room wishing there were more people in it like Fin or John who's volunteer to do the arrest for her.

" _I'll do it._ " Elliot said as she walked back into the room and was immediately met by two angry glares from a blonde and a brunette since the women had just realized he'd been eves dropping probably the entire time.

Elliot didn't wait for them to speak though.

" _I'll do it or we can do it together, Liv._ " He said, offering his support to his partner. " _Come on._ " He stated, walking around Alex to grab his jacket off his chair and Olivia grabbed hers. She cast Alex a glance before she walked out of the room.

…

" _How's the baby?_ " Olivia asked with a smile as she walked up to Gladys. Elliot kept his distance and positioned himself by the doorway. Olivia had decided once they got there that she wanted to talk to Gladys.

" _She's good._ " Gladys replied. She hadn't moved from the same spot Olivia had left her in when she'd previously left the hospital.

The younger woman was sitting in a rocking chair perched beside the NICU clear box that her baby was being kept in.

Olivia crouched down on the floor and put her hand on Gladys' knee. She was going to try to talk the young woman into testifying so she wouldn't have to arrest her.

" _Gladys,_ " Olivia said gently. " _I need your help…_ " Gladys looked at her questioningly. " _I need you to testify…_ " The older woman said.

Elliot watched as his partner tried her best to convince the younger woman to go with them willingly.

Gladys let out a small laugh in disbelief.

" _I can't leave my baby, Detective Benson. She's critical, she could…. I can't leave her right now._ "

Olivia winced at her next words. " _Gladys, if you don't, I'll have to arrest you for prostitution…_ " She said. " _Please, please don't make me do this. Don't make me arrest you._ " Olivia begged, looking up at Gladys from her position of kneeling on the floor in front of the younger woman.

" _I am not leaving my baby._ " Gladys said firmly, staring Olivia down, then turning to give her attention back to her child.

Olivia huffed and stood up slowly, then she back tracked towards Elliot.

" _I can't do it…_ " She whispered to him as she passed him and walked out the door. Elliot nodded in understanding and made his way over to Gladys to read her her rights and put cuffs on her.

Olivia was waiting by their squad car outside when he brought Gladys down. They escorted her to the court house instead of sending her to booking, which had been the plan all along.

On the stand, Gladys explained in detail exactly what had happened with Billy, but his attorney nearly tore Gladys apart.

Olivia and Elliot sat side by side a she testified.

Billy's lawyer called Gladys out on all her mistakes including dropping out of the eighth grade, being a prostitute, and having anonymous street sex while she was twenty-four weeks pregnant.

Her eyes went wide on the stand like she was realizing just how many mistakes she'd made and how much she'd screwed up.

Olivia could only watch in sorrow. She felt so bad for this woman, and so deeply connected to her at the same time. Elliot reached his hand over and rested it on her lower thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze.

She shot him a small smile, silently thanking him for the comfort.

Alex objected and the judge suggested that Buchanan stick to question, not statements. He finally finished questioning the young woman and Alex stood up to take her turn. She was going to try her best to show the jury that Gladys was a victim and not a criminal like the defense attorney had suggested.

" _Mr. Buchanan wants to talk about you being a criminal, so let's do that._ " Alex said as she stood up. Her back was straight and her hair was perfect. Her glasses were on and her court suit was stunning. She was in full-fledged ADA mode.

The blonde looked exceptionally good today and Olivia cocked her head to the side a bit, gazing at Alex, the woman that she had been with so many times during their complication relationship. Even though Olivia practically hated the woman, she still loved her body. They'd never sleep together again, Olivia's head and heart wouldn't' allow it, but she could still look.

Out of the corner of her eye, Olivia saw Elliot looking at her. She turned her head to see a huge grin on his face. He knew he'd caught her slightly checking out their ADA. It made him wonder how he hadn't noticed that the two women had been fucking on and off for two years.

" _Stop._ " Olivia said silently to him as he squeezed her leg again and she rolled her eyes at him, letting him know that she didn't feel like taking his shit about Alex right now.

Olivia huffed as Alex began her questioning.

" _How long were you under the control of your pimp?_ " Alex asked.

Gladys looked shy and ashamed. She recoiled into her body and looked down at the ground.

" _Since I was twelve… so ten years._ " She said in a small voice.

Alex nodded, trying to keep her voice calm but firm. She needed to sound caring and supportive so Gladys would open up to her and feel as comfortable as possible, but remain strong and firm so that the jury could see that she was a confident ADA.

" _How many nights a week did he force you to work?_ "

" _Five…_ "

" _How many men did he force you to have sex with each night?_ "

" _Um…. At least six…._ " Gladys answered in a small voice. She didn't want to remember what she'd done, who'd she'd done.

Alex wasn't sure if Gladys had PTSD or not but she hoped to god that she wasn't triggering the young woman on the stand.

" _You were twelve. Just a child, you couldn't consent to any of what was happening to you,_ " Alex stated and looked towards the judge and then the jury. " _And let the record show that even if she could consent, Gladys has already stated that she did not want to have sex with any of them, and that she tried to get away from her pimp but he beat her multiple times._ " She explained, making sure the jury was keeping up with her. " _So, because you could not and did not consent, you were raped numerous times._ "

Gladys nodded and glanced around the room, her eyes locked with Olivia's for support. Olivia gave her a sad smile and held her gaze until Gladys was ready to look elsewhere.

" _Then would you say that you were raped at least a total of thirteen thousand times over those ten years?_ " Alex asked. Gladys' eyes shot to Alex's crystal clear blue eyes and she took a deep breath.

Gladys had never thought of it like that. She'd always put it out of her mind but Alex was correct.

" _Yeah…_ " Gladys said in a small voice and biting her bottom lip.

" _And that would make your baby a product of rape?_ " Alex said gently as she walked closer to Gladys.

Olivia felt her heart speed up and her breath hitched in her throat. Elliot removed his hand from her knee and instead, put it behind her shoulders, resting it on the courthouse bench. He allowed his hand to lightly grip her shoulder where his hand rested. He knew this was hard for her, that it was bringing up painful memories.

" _Yeah… yes, it would._ " Gladys said sadly. She'd known deep in her heart that it was true, she'd just been ignoring it. She'd envisioned telling her daughter that her father was a one-night stand or something to that effect.

" _I hope I cleared things up for you. That is a victim,_ " Alex said, talking to the other attorney and pointing at Gladys. " _And that is a criminal._ " She said, pointing now at his client.

Alex took her seat.

Billy went insane. He tried to attack Gladys but the security guard tackled him. He was escorted out and court was dismissed.

Gladys had been escorted out by another officer. When Olivia found the young woman in the hallway, she was pacing back and forth while running her fingers through her hair. It was clear that she was stressed and freaking out.

Elliot kept his distance. He was far enough to be out of the way and not involved but close enough to hear and see them. He was concerned about Gladys but his true concern remained with his partner. Elliot was making sure that if Olivia needed him for anything at all, that he could come running.

" _Hey._ " Olivia said as she swiftly walked up to a panicky Gladys. " _Cabot dropped the prostitution charge just like we promised. You're free to go._ " Olivia explained, hoping it'd relieve some of the young woman's stress.

" _Everything that man said about me in court is true…_ " Gladys said as tears filled her eyes. She'd ignored Olivia's statement about the prostitution charge. She clearly didn't care much about it anymore and was more concerned with herself and her child, as she should be.

" _That's not you anymore, Gladys._ " Olivia tried to sooth the younger woman by touching her gently on the arm. " _That's not who you are. You've turned a page and that's all behind you now._ "

" _It'll never be behind me…_ " Gladys said. " _What am I supposed to tell my baby when she grows up? What do I say? Your mom let hundreds of men rape her daily and no one knows which one is your father?_ " She said as tears made their way down her face. Olivia was a bit stunned at Gladys' words. For a moment, she wondered if her mother had ever tried to plan on telling Olivia that she was the product of rape.

Serena had gotten semi drunk, well not even drunk, it was more so like she was tipsy. Then she'd told Olivia when she was about twelve, Serena had terribly explained that Olivia was the product of rape. It didn't go well for either woman but it'd made a lot of sense to Olivia as to why her mother never said those three words she desperately wanted to hear or why she treated Olivia like shit half the time. Olivia understood the abuse more.

" _Gladys,_ " Olivia said, grabbing the younger woman's shoulders and bending her own knees slowly so she could see eye to eye with her. " _I'm the product of rape…_ " Olivia said in a small whisper. " _And I'm okay, I'm just fine._ "

It was a small lie but Olivia could be a lot worse off. Plus, Olivia being the product of rape isn't what screwed her up. It didn't help and it weighed heavily on her, but she could deal with it. It was her mother's constant emotional, physical, and psychological abuse that had really fucked her up.

" _W-What?_ " Gladys stuttered.

" _Yeah…_ " Olivia said, giving Gladys a small smile and gently rubbing the younger woman's shoulder. " _I am. It sucks, I'm not gonna lie. It sucks and it's something that wasn't easy to grow up with knowing but it all depends on you, Gladys. You have to be there for your daughter. Be there for her, love her unconditionally. She had no part in your rape, don't punish her for it._ "

Gladys reached up and wiped her eyes as she nodded.

" _I just… I don't know what to do._ " Gladys said as more tears leaked from her eyes.

Olivia shook her head and smiled.

" _You love your little girl, that's all that matters._ " The detective said.

Elliot looked at the scene in front of him. It always warmed his heart to see Olivia Benson when she was working with victims.

" _If you make the right decision now, your daughter will understand when she's older…_ " Olivia said and Gladys leaned in for a hug. It was short and sweet but it was a hug that Gladys had needed.

" _Yeah…_ " The younger woman said. " _The right decision…_ "

Then Gladys gave Olivia a small, sad smile and they said their goodbyes as the younger woman left.

Elliot walked over to Olivia, joining her as they watched Gladys leave the court house.

" _You okay?_ " He asked, dying to put his hand on the small of her back but he wouldn't, he couldn't, not here.

" _Yeah, I think I'll be fine._ "

Elliot gave her a small smile and nodded as they both turned to exit the court room and head to their squad car.

 **I wrote wayyyyy more than I anticipated so it looks like there's gonna be a third part. Love the reviews.**

 **Haha also, there's one reader that keeps asking me to just make them fuck. It will happen eventually but it's far away as of right now. Sorry.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Continued…**

Elliot had driven Olivia home. He'd been worried about her, knowing that this entire case took a toll on her. It had been hard for him too. It'd brought back some memories from Eli's birth. So, he'd taken Olivia home, not really giving her a choice in the matter, knowing if she really didn't want to go with him, she'd make her voice known.

He'd even walked her to her door, hoping it would carry some kind of comfort for her. She wouldn't talk to him much in the car and all she did was stare out the window.

Part of his job as her partner and friend was to be there for her when she needed him, and Elliot was trying to let her know just that; He was there for her.

Olivia fumbled with her keys in the lock of the door as he stood still, wanting to make sure she got inside safely before he took off and headed home to that spare bedroom across the hall from where Kathy slept in their old room. Elliot still hadn't been able to mention to Olivia that he and Kathy had started sleeping in separate rooms, he didn't know how or if he even should mention it.

She finally got the key turned in the lock and jiggled it out and she pushed her front door open, throwing her purse to the right, on the floor besides the door.

Olivia looked back at Elliot and there was something in her eyes, something that he couldn't place, couldn't name no matter how hard he tried.

Making a quick decision, Olivia reached out and grabbed his arm, gently yanking him inside her apartment so she could shut the door and lock it.

" _What-_ " Elliot tried to ask what she was doing or what was going on but as soon as she'd locked the deadbolt, she cut him off, grabbing him by the front of his shirt and pinned him to the back of her front door. His hands flew up in the air due to his confusion.

Elliot's eyes went wide in surprise and he let out an " _Umph_ " as his body hit the door, having momentarily forgotten how physically strong Olivia could be.

Her mouth was on his instantly, hot and heavy, begging for entrance into his own. Her eyes were closed and she was clearly in a state of enjoyment or relaxation or… something that made her seem like she was in the right head space for this even though she probably wasn't.

Closing his eyes as well, Elliot opened his mouth, granting her access.

Olivia moaned as she kissed him deeply while her fists were still latched onto the front of his shirt which was now surly wrinkled.

Elliot lowered his hands to her shoulders to gently grab onto her as she continued to explore his mouth.

Before he knew what was happening, she'd slipped her hand into the front of his pants and into his boxers. Today was one of the rare days that he'd chosen to not wear a belt because he didn't need it with the jeans he currently had on. They'd been doing a lot of running around for this case and he'd deemed that the slacks could wait until another day since it'd been snowing outside.

She'd gotten the front of his pants undone in record time as far as Elliot could tell, but he'd also been majorly focused on her mouth.

" _I need you to wake up for me…_ " Olivia whispered in his ear as she lightly bit it. She was referring to his limp member which was becoming semi hard by the second.

" _Jesus Christ, Olivia…_ " Elliot mumbled as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes tightly, taking a deep breath. This woman was going to be the death of him.

" _Come on… that's it…._ " She whispered in the sexiest voice he thought he'd ever heard, as she felt his penis twitch while she caressed and massaged his ball sack, making sure to rub her wrist gently against his hardening member.

With his zipper open and his hardening penis poking out of the slit in his boxers, she takes his hand and pulls him to her bedroom. Upon arrival, she turned his back to the bed and gently pushed him down until he was lying flat. Then she climbed on top of him, straddling him in her own dark black jeans and dress shirt, which she quickly pulled over her head before grinding her hips on his hardened length and bending down to kiss him.

Her hair cascaded around them and he hissed at the friction her hips created between them.

Olivia moaned as she put both of her hands on his head, running her fingers through his hair as she kissed his cheek until she got to his ear, then bit him. It wasn't hard enough to draw blood but enough to get his attention. His eyes opened from where he'd had them closed, enjoying the pleasure she was bringing him.

She trailed down his neck, leaving love bites that would be long gone by the time he arrived home, if he went home that night.

Elliot's breath hitched at the realization that dawned on him.

Olivia was angry.

This was an anger fuck. She needed to get her frustration out.

Something was wrong. Well, a lot of things were wrong right now because of this case but he needed to pinpoint which things she was upset about.

" _Liv?_ " He said lightly, trying to get her attention, but she continued her love bites as she moved her hands to the front of his shirt and began undoing the buttons.

" _Olivia._ " He said louder. It was a warning more than a question this time and he leaned his head up slightly to look at her but all he could see was the top of her head and some of her face as she leaned down, focused on the task at hand.

Elliot caught and eye full of her cleave hanging down but forced himself to focus on her face.

" _Stop._ " He said firmly, revoking his consent, but to his surprise, she continued her journey down his shirt.

" _I know you want this… I can feel it…_ " She said, rocking her hips again for good measure, reminding that his rock-hard member was aching for relief.

He was momentarily stunned by her words, not knowing what to do. Olivia was entering dangerous territories. She'd heard his revoke of consent and not stopped.

If he was a true asshole, he'd pull the sexual assault card and remind her of what she'd just done and where they were now but he'd never do it, not to her. Elliot guessed that if he said it again, she would comply, and he was right.

" _I said stop._ " Elliot told her again more forcefully, reaffirming his earlier decision and adding an extra " _No._ " in a strong voice just to make sure it sunk in that she'd ignored him the first time.

Olivia went rigid and her actions immediately halted. She couldn't continue even if she had wanted to, her body would have never let her. Her ears had heard his voice revoking consent twice now and everything inside her halted.

She sucked in a deep breath and licked her lips.

It was like she knew that he knew.

She knew he'd figured out that something was wrong with her, that this was about so much more than needing him sexually.

He'd anticipated her immediate halt but what he hadn't anticipated were the tears in her eyes as she looked up while hovering over him.

" _Fuck…_ " She whispered as she looked at him. " _I'm sorry… I almost… fuck, I did…_ " She mumbled as she tucked her hair behind her ears.

The anger or frustration that she'd apparently felt before, now seemed to be gone.

" _No, you didn't._ " He replied softly.

" _Yeah… Yeah I did…_ " She said frantically as she moved to get off him but his big, strong arms grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her down to his chest, and she allowed it, not putting up much of a fight.

" _I… I'm sorry…_ " She said, sniffling as she buried her face into his right shoulder. He held her tightly.

Elliot shook his head, knowing she could feel the movement. " _I knew you'd stop. Why do you think I just laid here and waited, huh? If I really had felt threatened or wanted you to stop, your ass would be sitting on the floor right now._ " He explained with a small smile.

He heard her swallow hard and then sniffle again, so he continued talking.

" _I stopped us for you…. Something's wrong. We gotta fix it before we do this._ " He said gently as he massaged the top of her back with his right hand.

" _Nothing's wrong…_ " She mumbled into the side of his neck as she turned her face towards him.

" _Bullshit._ " Elliot replied, calling her out.

He loved her, god he did. And he wanted to fuck her so badly but not like this, not when she wasn't okay and didn't have a clear mind. She had still been pretty adamant up until now about not having him inside her. So, if she was heading that direction when they'd gotten further into intimacy, then he'd have definitely stopped her anyways.

" _Do you call Kathy that name?_ " Olivia asked into his neck and Elliot was momentarily confused.

" _What?_ " He asked lightly.

Olivia semi leaned up and sat back to make eye contact with him, briefly wiping her face with the back of her hand.

" _Do you call Kathy 'babe' when you're talking to her? Or when you're having sex?_ " She asked gently.

And there it was. A piece of the puzzle. One of the reasons she wasn't okay. He'd accidentally called her a pet name earlier and she hadn't forgotten. She told him he'd pay for it later but he hadn't realized how much of an impact his slip up had really had on her.

He was thrown by her blunt question and it showed on his face.

" _Shit, I shouldn't have asked that. That was out of line…_." Olivia said quickly, thinking she'd gone too far. " _I'm sorry… I have no right, no right what so ever to ask that._ " She said, now fully sitting up on top of him but still straddling him.

She reached for her shirt that had landed on the bed beside them and slipped it on quickly to cover herself.

Olivia tried to get up once more but his hands held her hips in place.

" _I don't call Kathy 'babe'._ " Elliot replied, causing Olivia to look at him. " _She's 'sweetheart' or 'honey' but not 'babe'._ "

Olivia bit her lip, feeling sheepish and stupid for asking the question now.

" _And we don't have sex._ " He added for good measure.

She swallowed hard again and took a deep breath. Olivia knew there were surely times that he'd have sex with Kathy, he had to because up until a few weeks ago, it's been two months since she'd done anything with him and she just could not see a man like him going that long without sex when he had two women to get the job done.

But it was true. Elliot and Kathy hadn't had sex for well over a year. There'd been some intimate touches and she'd gotten him off a couple of times but that was it. He'd even tried to initiate it a few times but she'd declined him, which had ended up with him jumping in the shower just so he could rub one out.

Maybe Kathy knew they were only making it work for Eli? Maybe she knew their marriage was basically over? Or, maybe she was hitting some sort of early menopausal stage and her sex drive just wasn't there anymore.

" _You should… you can…_ " Olivia said in a small voice, looking away towards the bedroom window, giving him permission to fuck his own wife, as if he actually needed her approval. " _You probably should, she'll think something's up._ "

Olivia said calmly, trying to dismiss what he'd just revealed to her and the approval that she'd replied with. But he wasn't going to tell her that he'd tried to fuck Kathy, even if it had been just to keep up appearances in their marriage. He wouldn't hurt Olivia like that, not when she was already hurting a good amount from this case.

" _Hey,_ " Elliot said as he lifted his hand to her cheek, gently moving her face to look at him. " _I'm worried about you here, not her._ " He replied, giving her a thoughtful look.

Olivia nodded, accepting his answer and sniffled some more since her nose was still running.

" _I'll never say it again, I swear. If I do, you have my permission to slap the shit outta me._ " He told her strongly. Olivia nodded as a small smile graced her now reddened face from her tears.

" _I do wanna briefly touch on what just happened though._ " He said, sucking in a breath.

" _I fucked up._ " She said in a choked voice.

" _You did._ " He agreed, shaking his head lightly and then lacing his fingers with hers. " _You fucked up, and you know it. You're acknowledging it…_ " Elliot said. " _I just need you to be conscious of it._ " He explained.

" _I am…_ " She said in a small voice, shaking her head.

" _You're an SVU detective, Liv._ " Elliot continued, not willing to let her get off that easily on something so serious. " _You can't do that. What if you go to a bar and bring a man…. or woman home and they're a victim of sexual assault? You gotta be conscious of that._ "

Olivia rolled her eyes at him. " _Men, Elliot. I like men…_ " She said, still unwilling to admit that she was attracted to women. It was only certain women, according to her. Well, really only one blonde-headed woman. She wasn't truly into Babs Duffy, she just had an itch that needed to be scratched and the redhead's tongue knew it's way around a vagina, that's for damn sure.

" _And I'd never, ever do that. I don't even really bring people home from bars anymore but I'd never… I don't even know why I did it to you. God, I'm so fucking sorry, Elliot._ " She said sadly as her eyes watered again.

She'd done it with him because she'd subconsciously trusted him. Olivia trusted him to truly stop her from doing the unimaginable, from going too far. She trusted him to call her out on her shit, to see that she was fucked up and help her.

He huffed. Elliot wanted nothing more than to tell her it was okay, but he wouldn't, because it wasn't. Continuing after consent was revoked was not okay no matter who you are or who you're with.

" _It's going to be okay._ " He settled for those words instead, as he grabbed her face in both his hands, pulling her down and giving her multiple kisses on the mouth, mostly for comfort.

The kisses turned passionate and hungry.

Olivia stopped briefly to look down at Elliot. " _Is this okay? Do you still wanna…?_ " She asked, seriously asking for his consent to continue. It'd been revoked already and still was as far as she was concerned so she needed to get it back if anything else were to happen on this bed.

Elliot smiled at her. " _Yeah… just no sex._ " He said lightly.

Olivia's face contorted in confusion. " _That's my line._ " She replied.

He laughed at her. " _C'mere._ " He said in his bedroom voice as he flipped them. She giggled and it was music to his ears. Giggling was a rarity for Olivia Benson but when she did it, it was something.

Elliot took over, grabbing the bottom of her shirt as she sat up slightly, raising her arms so he could pull it over her head. Then she arched her back and unhooked her bra, slipping it down her arms, leaving her breasts to fall out of it. Her nipples were already standing at attention and Elliot's dick that had already gotten soft was slowly hardening back up.

"God, I love these…" He said as he grabbed a breast in each hand, massaging them, tweaking her nipples before bending down and popping the left nipple into his mouth and lapping at it, sucking as if it were going to give him milk.

" _Oh, shitttt…_ " She moaned as her back arched into his mouth. " _Yessss…_ " She hissed, letting him know that he was doing good, very fucking good.

Her breath hitched as his mouth switched nipples.

" _Oh, fucking hell…_ " She said breathlessly as she closed her eyes and raised her hips up to meet his, causing him to grunt in response.

" _Why is your shirt still on?_ " She asked as she opened her eyes and looked at him.

Elliot sat up on his knees and grabbed the bottom of his button up shirt and pulled it over his head. The first few buttons were already undone from Olivia's previous attempt so it wasn't that hard of a task.

Her hands were on his chest immediately, feeling of his muscles and tracing the rigid plains of his torso.

Elliot stood up at the end of the bed, stepping away from her, which caused a whine to escape Olivia's mouth.

He made quick work of his jeans and boxers, then walked back to the edge of the bed where her legs were handing over, and stripped her of her pants and panties.

" _How do you want it?_ " He asked as he fisted his cock to ensure it was at its hardest and to relieve some of the building tension.

Olivia was quiet for a moment as she thought. There was pure lust in her eyes. She wanted him to make her yell.

After briefly closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, summoning up the courage for her next statement, she finally spoke.

" _What would you do if I gave you one of my vibrators?_ " Her soft voice asked him. Her eyes alert with a hint of fear, like she was afraid of being rejected.

Elliot's breath hitched and his eyes slightly widened as his hand released his erect member. Was she really doing this? Was she really about to give him permission to use one of her toys?

" _I'd make you scream._ " He nearly whispered as his eyes were locked onto hers. He was serious. Dead serious. He'd never been so serious about anything in his life. Sex was good. Their intimate moments were really good. But enhancing it with toys? Fuck.

Olivia licked her lips unconsciously before she spoke.

" _The drawer in the nightstand on my side of the bed, there's a purple one. Get it._ " She commanded lightly.

Elliot swallowed hard. Fuck, was she sending him into her drawer of toys?

He stood up and started to retrieve it but then stopped.

" _I…_ " Elliot started as he turned to look at her. " _Shit, I can't… Liv, if I go in that drawer I'll never be able to unsee what's there… My dick'll never be soft again a day in what is surly to be my short-lived life after I see that drawer…_ "

Olivia threw her head back in laughter.

" _I'll get it, El._ " She told him softly as she crawled over to the side of the bed and reached in the drawer, making sure Elliot was back by the end of the bed before she did so. She shifted through some items and then found it. Then grabbed a condom and lube for good measure.

Elliot felt like his heart was beating out of his chest as she handed him the purple thing. It was heavier than he anticipated and it was nearly as big as his manhood was.

To be honest, he'd never held a vibrator before and the only time he'd been around one was when she'd used one on herself while sitting behind him on the bed one of the times they fooled around. This was clearly a different one though, because the other one she'd used had had a remote.

Fuck. Now, he wondered just how many she had. Kathy didn't have any. Or at least he didn't think so. If she did, he didn't know. It's not like they shared drawers or anything in the bedroom. She had her dresser and he had his. He didn't snoop through her things.

" _There are three speeds._ " Olivia explained. " _Plus sign speeds up, negative sign slows down. Circle is the power button._ " She showed him the device. Then got situated on the bed back to her previous position.

Elliot stared at the thing with his mouth slightly agap. The very thing he was holding had been inside Olivia, probably multiple times. It wasn't in the exact shape of a penis but it was slightly wavy, probably for her pleasure.

Olivia leaned up on her elbows when she realized he hadn't moved.

" _Elliot, why do you look like you've never been in the presence of a vibrator before?_ " She asked curiously, knowing what the answer would probably be.

He gave her a sheepish grin as if he was slightly embarrassed. She smiled back at him and sat up.

" _Come here_." She told him softly, motioning for him to get on his knees. After he was on the ground and in between her legs, she helped him out a bit.

" _Hold it up._ " Olivia asked and he did as he was told. She applied the condom for him and added some lube for extra measure, even though she knew this part he could figure out.

" _What do you want me to do?_ " He asked her softly, hoping that his promise to make her scream hadn't turned into an empty promise.

She grabbed his head in her hands as she leaned forward and kissed him passionately. She'd never let a man use anything on her. Alex Cabot had been the only person.

" _Turn it on… rub it around… put it inside. I'm giving you free rein. Just no butt stuff… you'll be able to tell what I like the best by the sounds I make…_ " She whispered in his ear and then nibbled on it lightly. " _Now make me scream, Elliot…_ " She said before leaning back on the bed.

Elliot didn't know if he'd ever been this hard in his life.

He rubbed the head of the dildo at her entrance since that's where she'd put the blob of lube. She was already we for him, but he wanted to make sure she could withstand the friction.

She let out a hiss as she felt the cold lube being rubbed in around her center.

Elliot smiled. He looked at Olivia, who's eyes were closed, mouth was open, and nipples standing at attention. God, she was a beautiful sight.

He started to rub the body of the vibrator against her clit as he turned it onto the lowest vibration speed.

" _Ohhhhh…_." She hummed, slightly moving her center up and down.

Elliot stopped briefly to grab her legs and hoist them onto him, resting her knees over his shoulders to give him better access to her core.

Olivia shimmied down slightly to accommodate him.

He resumed the previous position of the vibrating dildo moving along her slit. Olivia sucked in a breath as she grabbed her own breasts and lightly pinching her nipples as her back arched.

" _Uhhhhh…._ " She let out a breathy moan as Elliot continued to rub the vibrator on her lips that were now turning a healthy shade of pink due to the vibrations and attention that she was receiving between her legs.

Elliot used his thumb from his left hand to rub circles at the top of her mound as he gently eased the vibrator inside her with his right hand, also mashing the plus sign on the bottom of the vibrator with his other thumb to kick the speed up a notch.

" _Mmmmmhmmmm…_." She moaned, removing her hands from her breasts and fisting the comforter at her sides. "That's good. Oh god, that's so fucking good, El."

He loved the way she'd said his nick name at the end. It was like this was a fantasy that she'd had when she'd used the vibrator on herself and now the fantasy was coming to life.

Elliot slowly pulled the dildo in and out of her body, keeping an eye on the lubrication to make sure it was still wet enough to not hurt her. Really, they probably wouldn't have needed the lube…

" _Faster…. Please, faster…_." She requested in a throaty whisper as her hips began to rise off the bed to meet his thrusts. He sped up, relenting to her request.

" _Not now… but when… when I come… turn the speed up_ " She said breathlessly as her hips work. " _I… I'll tell you when…_ " Olivia said. Her eyes were closed as her head lay against the bed for fear of triggering her orgasm if she so much as glanced and saw him working between her legs.

" _Yes, ma'am…_ " He hummed as he tilted his head to the right, kissing her inner thigh.

Olivia's body instantly shivered at the touch of his lips and she hissed.

" _Careful…_ " She warned, letting him know that she was close and doing that would spur her orgasm on. Elliot just smiled and planted another kiss, closer to her core this time. Then another, and another, until his lips finally met the ones between her legs.

" _Oh God, Elliot!_ " She said loudly.

He used his free hand to stop rubbing her mound and hold her hips down as he pushed and pulled the vibrator faster and added his tongue to tease the surrounding flesh.

" _Shit! Do it now… El, do it now!_ " She said quickly as she tumbled over the edge, entering her state of ecstasy.

Elliot had already had his finger on the button and he pressed it right away.

" _Shitshitshit!_ " She cried loudly as her back arched and she grabbed the comforter so strongly that she pulled it towards her, letting it bunch at her sides. " _Oh Elliot! El! ELLIOTTTTT!_ " She nearly screamed as she gritted her teeth.

Her legs were shaking more so than he's ever seen and they'd even lifted off of his shoulders briefly.

" _Ahhhh… fuck. Fuck._ " She said as she was coming down. There were tears in her eyes because it had been that good.

She was panting, almost to the point of where she was coughing.

He was panting too but for a different reason. Seeing her explode had almost caused him to explode. He'd almost lost it and came on her carpet, for which she surly would have killed him. How the fuck do you get cum stains out of the carpet?

When she finally opened her eyes as her heart rate slowed, she looked at him and saw his eyes. They were fierce and full of compassion and amazement. She could tell he was close. His muscles were tightened and it was written all over his face.

Olivia motioned with her hand for him to climb on top of her and straddle her.

" _Come here._ " She called to him, grabbing the vibrator out of his hand. He waddled his way up her body, his cock standing at full attention and looking like it was going to turn a shade of blueish purple soon.

Olivia maneuvered him to where he was on all fours, his hands beside her head bracing himself on the bed and his knees beside her hips. She turned the dildo on the medium speed and moved it towards his groin.

Elliot's eyes momentarily got big in fear of what she was about to do. This was exactly why he'd never done vibrator stuff with women (Even though he'd only been with Kathy and Olivia). Women assume that all men want butt sex at some point so they get an attitude of 'let me put this in your ass and see if you like it'. He'd heard that line from many of his friends in the marines.

" _Relax…_ " She coaxed him. " _Just trust me. I'm not going to do anything like that or anything you don't want me to._ " Olivia said as if she could read his mind. " _I promise._ " She added for good measure, realizing that because of what she'd done earlier, their trust might have been damaged or broken.

She waited for him to nod before she continued.

He watched her as she reached between her legs, getting some of the wetness and lube on her right hand and grabbed his cock, rubbing it on.

Elliot sucked in a breath. Damn she would be the death of him, that was for sure.

" _You have no idea how fucking hot that was._ " He said, referring to her sharing her wetness. She gave him a big smile and continued her work.

" _I'm going to rub my vibrator against your balls. It's probably going to trigger your orgasm quickly._ " Olivia explained her plan. " _You ready?_ " She asked with hopeful eyes, ready to see him explode.

" _I'm… I'm aiming for… ugh… your stomach?_ " He asked with a grunt in the middle of his sentence as he actively thrusted his hips.

" _Yeah… that okay?_ " She asked.

Elliot nodded quickly, letting her know he was ready for his release. He was so fucking ready.

Olivia smiled and bit her lip as she sped up her hand and pushed the vibrator on and around his balls, making sure to rub him generously with the mechanical device.

" _Sonofabitch…_ " He groaned as he gritted his teeth. The veins in his neck were starting to make themselves known. Within seconds, he was cumming. It wasn't gushing either like it had been in the cribs, it was squirts and spurts of hot semen.

Olivia continued her work and aimed him at her stomach.

" _Fuck! Oh, Fuck!_ " He said loudly. " _Ahhh! Ahhh!_ " Elliot said in rhythm with his thrusts as he slowed his hips and she milked him dry.

When he was done, he pushed himself to the side, plopping down on his back beside her.

That was by far one of the best orgasms he'd ever had. It was easily in the top ten, hell, probably top five. He'd never added a toy into his sex life but fuck, it was good. The vibrations were amazing and they made his balls tingle.

" _I wanna say it._ " He told her painfully. " _Please, let me fucking say it._ " He practically begged, turning his head to look at her while he tried to catch his breath.

Olivia looked at him swiftly as her eyes narrowed, realizing what he was requesting.

" _Don't you fucking dare._ " She said in a low voice. " _Don't ruin our orgasm high…_ " Was her reply.

He wanted to say it though. He wanted to say those three little words so badly. Elliot wanted to tell her that he loved her, that he wanted to be with her. He wanted to tell her that he'd leave Kathy if she'd just promise that she'd be here for him and be with him if he did but Olivia had always told him the opposite in an attempt to keep him and Kathy together.

Elliot desperately wanted to tell her that he'd moved into Maureen and Kathleen's old room that they'd converted into a guest room. He wanted to love her and give her the world but she wouldn't let him. She wouldn't let him because her priority was that of his wife and a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed boy.

" _You know I do though… you know it's true._ " He told her with sad eyes.

Olivia huffed, letting out a frustrated sigh.

" _We're not talking about it._ " She said as calmly as possible. " _And I'd greatly appreciate it if you could go get me a towel… you made a mess…_ " She said, changing the topic and scrunching up her nose at him.

He smiled at her and rolled his eyes. " _You contributed to the mess…_ " Elliot said as he got up and made the walk to the bathroom.

" _You tasted like… blueberries? Raspberries?_ " He said, trying to place why the fuck her vagina had tasted so berry-like.

Olivia burst into laughter as he walked over towards her with a towel.

" _Oh my god, the lube is edible. I forgot._ " She said as she continued to laugh, leaving Elliot to wonder why Olivia had edible lube in her night stand and just who the fuck did she use it on?

…

Olivia opened the door to Fin holding up a rather large bottle of red wine. About an hour after Elliot had left, Fin had text her claiming that he had a bottle of what was her absolute favorite red wine and no one to drink it with.

She'd rolled her eyes at his text and told him that he didn't even drink red wine at all. To which he replied that he'd need to come give it to her since he didn't have any use for it.

But Olivia knew what he was up to, she knew him well. He was trying to give her an in for having him over after that tough case without her having to verbally ask him because chances were, she'd rarely reach out to him in her time of need.

It was nothing personal towards Fin, Olivia acted that way towards everyone, including Elliot.

Fin was holding a case of beer presumably for himself.

" _Come on in._ " She told him as she opened the door wider.

He entered and put the wine in her freezer to chill for a few minutes because as she pointed out earlier, he'd clearly just picked it up at a store because he doesn't even drink wine. Hell, he probably didn't even have it when he text her, and was just testing the water to see if he could come over. Once she said yes, he probably picked it up on the way to her house.

After putting the beer in the fridge for the time being, Fin joined Olivia on the couch.

" _It's been a while since we've done this._ " She commented, feeling guilty again that she'd spent less time with Fin over the past couple of years than she would have liked.

" _It's aight…_ " He said. " _I been busy._ " Fin shot her a smile.

She laughed. " _You got a new girl I don't know about?_ " Olivia joked. Fin was a simple man, she knew this. After his marriage went sour, he stayed strictly to hook-ups and one night stands, vowing not to fall in love again or get married but Olivia had her doubts about it. If the right girl came along, he'd be hooked in a heartbeat. Fin was a sweet man.

" _Nah… you know my routine…_ " He said, smiling and shaking his head at her. " _What about you?_ " He asked, chancing to pry into her personal life. He loved her like a sister and needed to keep her in check sometimes when she went out with assholes.

" _I'm good._ " Olivia replied and fought the urge to grin like a fucking moron at the massive orgasm she'd had earlier at the hands of Elliot Stabler.

Fin nodded.

" _I know this was a tough case for you. You ain't gotta talk but I'm here to listen if you want._ " He explained.

Olivia licked her lips and sighed.

" _I think I'm all talked out for today, but thank you._ " She said, catching his eye and reaching over to squeeze his hand in a gesture of friendship, loyalty, and trust.

Then there was a knock at the door.

Olivia drew her eyebrows together in confusion, wondering who the hell could be at her door at this late hour. It was nearing eleven o'clock now. It wasn't super late but late enough for her to be concerned.

" _I got it._ " Fin said after seeing the uneasy look on Olivia's face.

"If it's Elliot checking up on me, tell him I'm fine…" She said with a roll of her eyes, pretending like she hadn't spent the hour before last giving him a mind-blowing orgasm with her hands and vibrator in case he had come back for some odd reason.

" _Liv, it's the Captain._ " Fin told her as he opened the door.

" _Fin…_ " Their captain greeted him, slightly surprised but not too much since he'd known that Fin had comforted Olivia during her mini breakdown.

Their captain was a wise older man. He could read most of his detectives like a book. He'd known this case had been hard on Elliot but harder on Olivia. She'd clearly been crying at one point when she'd walked back to the squad room with Fin in tow.

He was just glad that Olivia had someone to rely on, to lean on so she didn't have to use all her strength to pull herself up because he knew she would if she had to. She'd done it many times before.

" _Captain?_ " Olivia said as she made it to the door. " _What's going on?_ "

He had on his coat and hat. It'd clearly started snowing again.

" _A lawyer left this for you at the station._ " He explained, handing her an envelope. " _I thought you'd want it right away…_ " He looked sad and regretful, like he didn't want to be delivering this mail.

Olivia opened the envelop curiously.

It took a moment for her to read the words and she was sure Fin was also reading them over her shoulder. She didn't know how Cragen knew but he did, she could tell by his face that he already knew what the letter contained.

Olivia swallowed hard.

" _Um… Gladys… she left me power of attorney and legalized custody of… her daughter…_ " She said as she gapped at the letter.

Her breathing sped up and she felt Fin's hand on her lower back trying to comfort her.

" _Oh, god!_ " She said. " _I don't… I don't want this…_ " Olivia said quickly as she tried to hand the letter back to Cragen but he gently pushed it back.

" _You know that's not how this works, Liv._ " He reminded her the way legal papers and filings worked. " _It's already signed by Gladys and notarized. I'm sorry…_ " Cragen said, giving her a sad look.

Olivia began shaking her head from side-to-side.

" _No._ " She said firmly.

This case was supposed to be over. It was supposed to be over and done with. She'd done her job as a detective.

" _It looks like she wrote you a note too…_ " Fin said, gesturing to the small, yellow piece of paper stapled to the notarized letter.

Olivia huffed as she began to read it out loud for Fin and Cragen as they were all still gathered around her door.

" _Olivia,_ " She swallowed with watery eyes. " _I realized today that you're right. I do need to make the right decisions from now on. That's why I've decided to go away and figure everything out. I know you'll be there for my baby… well, she's your baby now. I know you'll do what's best for her and care for her in ways that I can't. I'm going to start over in a new place with a clean slate and hopefully when she's older, she'll understand that I left her for her own good. Never let her think I didn't love her. Gladys._ "

Fin placed both hands on Olivia's shoulders from behind her as she started shaking slightly.

" _Cap…_ " Olivia said in a whisper. " _I… I can't…_ "

" _You don't have a choice right now…_ " He reminded her. " _The baby's critical. You need to head to the hospital ASAP._ "

Olivia's eyes widened, realizing what he was saying.

Gladys was supposed to be at the hospital twenty-four seven in case a critical decision needed to be made because the baby's health was up in the air.

Dodging around Fin, Olivia ran to get her jacket. Fin still had his on.

" _I'm driving._ " He said quickly as they jogged out of her apartment and headed for the stairwell.

" _I'll be at the precinct if you need me!_ " Cragen called after them, letting them know that he didn't plan on meeting them at the hospital. He was almost certain that Olivia would breakdown at some point that night and he knew she wouldn't want him there for that. She had Fin and he was enough.

…

Olivia fiercely threw open the double doors of the NICU as she ran inside to where she knew the baby was when she'd last left Gladys at the hospital.

The doctor that Olivia recognized from the waiting room previously came up to her rather quickly. Too quickly for everything to be okay with the baby.

" _I'm glad you made it. We don't have much time._ " She told Olivia quickly. Apparently, Gladys had informed her of the new custody agreement and power of attorney change, which Olivia still though was completely crazy that it had gone through so quickly.

Gladys must've had a fair amount of money to pay for an attorney that'd get it done in a matter of hours, which meant that she probably stole the money or sold her body for it, which she cringed at since Gladys had recently had a C-section. She'd like to think it was cash that the woman had saved up to get her own place away from her aunt's house but who knew.

Fin had been hot on her tails, or as close as he could, considering she was faster than him. On the way to the hospital, Olivia had called everyone trying to find Gladys but so far all she'd found out was that the young woman had booked herself a one-way bus ticket across country.

" _What's wrong?!_ " Olivia asked the doctor frantically.

" _The baby's brain is bleeding._ " The doctor explained. Usually, she'd call her patient by her name, even if it was an infant but Gladys had never given the child one.

" _Okay._ " Olivia said, following along as she walked swiftly beside the doctor who was clearly taking her to where the child was now being kept. Fin was jogging to keep up but he was there.

" _We need your permission to operate immediately._ " The doctor told Olivia. " _It could be her only chance at survival._ "

" _What are her chances if you don't?_ " Olivia asked quickly.

" _Not good._ " The doctor put to her.

" _And… and if the surgery is successful?_ " The brunette detective asked, trying to keep up but realizing this doctor was insisting on the operation.

" _She could have brain damage for the rest of her life. All of the options I told you and detective Stabler in the waiting room are still a possible reality…_ " She said.

" _Fuck…_ " Olivia whispered as her chest heaved.

The baby came into sight and there were four nurses standing around her, she was out of the NICU box that Olivia had previously seen her in. Two of the nurses seemed to be pumping air into her lungs by hand and she couldn't tell what the other two were doing but it was obviously something useful.

" _Detective,_ " The doctor said lightly. " _I need you to make a decision. Now._ "

Olivia's eyes watered and her breathing was still constricted as she looked to Fin.

" _I'm with you on whatever you choose._ " He promised her.

This child in front of her was fighting to live, to strive at life but if she did live, she could be mentally handicapped or have numerous disabilities. But on the other hand, it was still possible that she'd be okay, that she'd survive and be one of those miracle babies that you hear about on the news or on TV that beat the odds and were now living healthy lives well into adulthood.

Olivia didn't know what to do. She wasn't sure. She couldn't pray about it because praying didn't do the same thing for her as it did for Elliot or other people. She didn't find comfort and answers in prayer and talking to God.

God was real, she believed that, prayer just worked a little differently for her.

Olivia took a deep breath.

" _Do the surgery._ " She told the doctor.

 **Looks like there's gonna be a fourth part. It's gonna be a little heartbreaking, y'all already know how this ends.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Continued…**

She couldn't breathe and her vision went blurry. Her knees hit the cold, hard tile of the hospital waiting room as she registered two sets of arms grasping her from both sides. Her head was spinning but she couldn't cry, she wouldn't, not here.

Olivia closed her eyes together tightly while covering her face with both hands, willing herself not to fucking cry. Not here, not now.

The doctor looked down at her in sorrow and sadness. There was no telling how many times she'd said those very words to the parents of her patients.

Olivia sat on her heels and leaned down towards her lap, cradling her head and running both hands through her hair.

" _I've got you…_ " Fin leaned down and whispered in her right ear. He was trying his best to comfort her.

She couldn't believe this was happening.

" _You're going to be okay, Olivia._ " Came the female voice that belonged to the pair of arms grasping her from the left.

Olivia shook her head, indicating that she would not be okay, that none of this would be okay.

" _It will be… you have to give it time._ " Kathy told her gently as she tightened her arm over Olivia's back and tightened her grip on Olivia's shoulder.

The brunette was already having a hard enough time letting Kathy Stabler comfort her. It's not something that she had wanted or requested but Kathy just happened to be working tonight and heard through the grape vine at the hospital that a female detective had been given custody of the child that Kathy knew Elliot was keeping up with due to an ongoing case.

The blonde had ventured down to the NICU during her break to see if she'd known the woman that her husband probably worked with and had come face-to-face with her his partner mere seconds before the doctor told Olivia that the infant girl hadn't made it through surgery.

Kathy gave Fin a sympathetic look, not knowing what exactly was the best way to comfort Olivia but when she'd seen the woman hit the ground, she wasn't just going to stand by and do nothing. They'd never been super close aside from Olivia saving her life and helping Eli come into the world. Most of their conversations centered around Elliot or Eli.

" _I'll help you plan everything. We'll go back over the paperwork and see if Gladys left any plans or requests…_." He told her, hoping that if they had a plan of action, it would help her calm down.

But it didn't.

And Olivia broke.

The sobs came as she was hunched over with her hands now only covering her face and not threading through her hair anymore.

" _Oh god!_ " Olivia gasped as her tears flowed down her face and she slowly started rocking her body back and forth unconsciously. " _I can't!_ " She exclaimed as reality hit her. " _I can't bury another child… I can't bury two children… I can't!_ " She sobbed as she started breathing irregularly, going into full panic mode.

Fin's eyes widened instantly. He'd heard her loud and clear. He'd heard that she said 'another child' and that she can't bury 'two children'. He was clued in immediately. Olivia had had a child previously that had obviously not made it.

Kathy seemed to register it as well, but was able to hide her shock better than Fin. It didn't really matter though because Olivia couldn't see either one of them. She was in such a panic that she was barely registering what she was babbling about in between sobs.

" _Baby girl, you gotta breathe…. Breathe for me…_ " Fin cooed, trying to sooth her. He put his left hand on the back of her neck, massaging her tense muscles under her curtain of hair. " _That's it… just take a moment and find your bearings…. Just breathe._ " He coaxed as her breathing began to even out.

" _We'll help you figure this out, Olivia._ " Kathy said calmly, no doubt a trait that she'd picked up from being a nurse for so long. " _I can help you plan a funeral if you want one. Elliot will help too, I'm sure of it._ "

Hearing Kathy's words made Olivia's eyes shoot wide open. She leaned up quickly and shrugged both sets of arms off of herself while wiping her eyes quickly.

She wanted Elliot to have no part in this. She didn't want to be here and she hated herself for revealing to Kathy something so personal and precious, something that had to do with the blonde's husband and she didn't even know it.

" _No!_ " Olivia said quickly as she grabbed a nearby chair, adamant on standing up. Fin was at her side to help.

Upon standing, Olivia ran her right hand through her hair as the tears continued to leak out of her eyes against her will. " _I have to go. I can't be here anymore._ " She said quickly as she rushed out of the waiting room and towards the exit.

Kathy pressed her lips tightly together and looked to Fin, not quite knowing what to do. She'd never seen Olivia in a state like this. The brunette had always been so strong and independent.

Fin turned to the doctor who had been awaiting orders from Olivia.

" _What happens now?_ " Fin asked quickly, wondering what the next step was supposed to be.

" _We were supposed to get the name of a funeral home that Detective Benson wanted the baby to be sent to. She doesn't have to have a funeral but the body will need to be prepped for proper burial or cremation._ " She explained.

Fin nodded and thought for a second. He was wracking his brain trying to think of where to tell the doctor to send this child. It couldn't be somewhere close to Olivia's home. It'd be a bad reminder of what had happened if she had to see the place constantly. It couldn't be a funeral home that she'd pass on a regular basis when she was going to work either.

" _Send her to Memory Chapel._ " He stated, deciding upon a funeral home that was a bit out of the way. It wasn't far enough to cause extra stress but it wasn't close enough to where she'd encounter the building often.

The doctor looked hesitant, she really needed Olivia's okay on this.

Fin flashed his badge even though the doctor had figured out he was a fellow detective.

" _Send her there. If anyone tries to give you any crap, tell them it was police orders and refer them to me, but trust me, Olivia wouldn't mind._ " He said, knowing the doctor just needed something to fall back on in case she got into trouble for taking the word of someone else other than the child's now legal mother.

Nodding, the doctor turned on her heels and headed to fill out the paperwork.

Kathy was still standing there, not sure what to do or say.

" _Thank you for your help._ " Fin told her sincerely. Then he jogged off, heading in the direction that Olivia went.

When he got outside, she was nowhere to be seen. He'd had the keys to the squad car so she hadn't taken that. Technically, he wasn't even supposed to be using it when they weren't on duty but he could chalk it up to the fact that he might get called in on a case.

Hoping that Olivia had headed to her apartment, he hopped in the car and drove in that direction.

…

Olivia shut her apartment door behind her, locking the handle but not bothering to lock the dead bold. She wanted to be in bed, that was her destination.

As she passed by the kitchen, she stopped and turned to stare at the small cabinet above her fridge. There was a large, glass bottle of Grey Goose vodka stashed there. She'd bought it about a year ago and hadn't had any clue as to why.

Maybe she wanted to prove to herself that she had the temptation there in her own home and could overcome it, was better than it, than what her mother way. Since that one drunken night after Sealview when Elliot found her, she'd never really had the urge for vodka.

Olivia went over and reached up on her tippy toes, opening the small door and getting the vodka. Then she headed to her room. She didn't even make it to her bed before the sobs started.

…

Fin walked up to Olivia's door and knocked.

He waited a beat before knocking again and added " _Baby girl, it's Fin._ "

After several seconds without a reply, he said loudly, " _I'm coming in, Liv._ " As he fished for the apartment key that she'd given him for emergencies. This definitely classified as an emergency.

Upon opening the door, he took in his surroundings. Her shoes had been toed off beside the door so he knew she was there. Nothing in the kitchen or living room looked out of order or showed any sign that she'd been there once she'd gotten home.

He looked towards the bedroom, seeing the door open.

Fin slowly made his was over, hoping that she'd heard him come in because he didn't want to startle her.

" _Liv_?" He called gently, not wanting to scare her or wake her up if she'd gone to be but he could see the light on from the lap beside her bed.

As he made his way to the threshold, he was met with a sight that made his heart nearly stop.

Olivia Benson sat against the wall by the closed bathroom door. She was barefoot but had her jeans and tank top on accompanied by her grey cardigan. It was what she'd had on at the hospital.

Her bedroom door, along with Fin was to her left and there was a large bottle of vodka sitting on the floor beside her. Her knees were drawn up towards her chest and she was holding her gun with her right hand as her left hand rested on her right wrist. They both rested on top of her knees, though the gun was pointed towards the floor and her finger wasn't on the trigger.

Fin swallowed hard as he eyed her, trying to assess the situation.

His police instinct kicked in immediately and his eyes scanned the room for more clues or any more dangers. He saw her clip sitting on her dresser. Her gun wasn't loaded, at least not with a clip.

He took a deep breath.

" _Liv…_ " He said softly, staying rooted in place. She continued to stare straight ahead at her bed. There were clearly tear streaks on her face but he couldn't see any visible tears coming out of her eyes at the moment.

" _The chamber's empty._ " She whispered as she turned to look at him briefly before returning to staring at her bed.

Fin swallowed hard and again and nodded his head.

" _It okay if I take this bottle of vodka and put it in the kitchen?_ " He asked gently.

Olivia let out a dark laugh.

" _Funny… I thought you'd ask for my gun._ " She said.

She looked tired but then again, she'd had one hell of a day and it was past one in the morning.

Fin licked his lips. " _I believe you. I believe your gun is empty, so I'm trying to get rid of the second threat… let me remove that bottle of vodka from your side._ " He said tenderly.

Olivia pressed her lips together tightly.

" _Take it._ " She said, giving him permission.

Fin slowly walked forward, bent down and swooped up the vodka, careful not to touch her. Then he walked back to the bedroom door and set it outside of the door frame and out of her sight. He'd originally wanted to put it in the kitchen but he'd decided quickly that he wasn't going to leave her alone until he figured out where her head was at.

Now, he stood at the door looking at her.

" _It okay if I come sit beside you?_ " He asked, trying desperately not to treat this like a negotiation or suicidal situation.

Olivia nodded instantly, which let him know that she might actually want him by her side. So, he slowly made his way over, sitting at her left side, stretching his legs out and crossing his ankles. She readjusted her gun so that it wasn't pointed towards his legs even though it was empty.

" _Liv, why you holding your gun?_ " He asked gently, turning his head towards the right to gage her facial expression. He was being a cop on some level and still accessing the situation.

" _Because it makes me feel safe._ " She whispered.

Fin was instantly relieved. He knew that was a legit reason, it was real and something he could relate to at times. Olivia Benson wasn't suicidal, she was just scared, stressed, and everything but okay right now.

He nodded in understanding.

" _If I go out late at night walking somewhere, sometimes I clip my gun on even if I'm not on duty because it's like a safety blanket._ " He explained, hoping that she'd be comforted in the fact that sometimes they felt the same way.

She nodded.

" _Liv, you don't need it to feel safe anymore. I'm here. I'll keep you safe. You're not alone in any of this shit that's going down, I promise._ " He told her tenderly. Fin loved her so fucking much. He'd never been as close to someone in his life as he was to Olivia and Munch. They were like family to him.

" _You want me to give you my gun._ " It was more of a statement than a question in the way she said it.

Fin nodded. " _Yeah… yeah I'd like that. But if you wanna sit here and hold it for a while, you can. I'm not gonna take it from you. I'm just gonna sit here and be supportive of whatever you need right now._ "

" _I'm not… I…_ " She started but stumbled on her words a bit. " _I knew one of you would show. You or El. Someone would come because I was a mess at the hospital. The clip… I took it out… I didn't want either one of you to think that… that I…_ "

Fin exhaled.

" _I know you're not suicidal._ " He said in a light tone. " _You're stressed, you've had a hell of a day but…_ " Fin tried his best to comfort her. " _You're okay, your gonna make it through this._ "

He heard her take a deep breath and he looked over to see tears were flooding her face once more. She was looking straight ahead and doing her best not to look at him.

" _I'm not gonna lie though…_ " Fin said. " _It scared the shit outta me when I first saw you sittin' on the floor with that gun._ "

She sniffled.

" _I'm sorry…_ " Olivia whispered hoarsely. " _That wasn't my intent._ "

Fin nodded.

" _I know_." He said.

Olivia swallowed hard. " _Here…_ " She said. " _Take it._ " She commanded lightly as she handed him her gun.

" _You sure?_ " He asked and waited for her to nod before taking the weapon from her grasp.

Fin wanted so badly to check the chamber. It was his cop instincts. It's what he was supposed to do but he knew that if he did it, she'd think he didn't trust her and that would break her even more than she'd been broken already today. So, he gently leaned over and pushed the gun as far away from them as possible with it pointing towards the wall behind them.

Olivia was openly crying now but it was silent tears, unlike the sobbing that happened at the hospital.

" _Fin…_ " She said in a strangled cry as she tilted her head towards the ground.

His right arm moved behind her and her knees moved sideways onto the floor as his left arm encircled around her front. She leaned into him and he held her tightly as she cried on his right shoulder.

" _It's gonna be okay, Liv._ " He told her lovingly as his left hand reached up to stroke her hair. " _Everything will be okay. You'll survive this. You've already survived so much._ "

" _I'm the worst mother on the planet._ " She whispered while sniffling. Her arms were wrapped around his neck tightly.

" _Nah._ " He disagreed. " _You're already a better mother than your own._ " He told her gently.

Olivia scoffed.

" _She didn't kill me, Fin._ "

" _It wasn't for lack of trying…_ " He said truthfully. Fin knew about Serena's physical abuse towards Olivia. He resented the woman for it too, even though she was dead. " _And you didn't kill this child… and… I'm pretty sure you didn't kill the other one either._ " He said tenderly, touching on what he'd heard her say at the hospital.

Olivia began to shake.

" _We don't have to talk about it…. We never have to, you know that. I'm not pushing you, I'm just being supportive here_." Fin said, trying to ease her worry.

She was quiet for a long time. Olivia had so many things on her brain, so many things had happened in the past three days, terrible things, stressful things.

When she'd finally calmed down to what she thought would be the calmest state that she'd reach tonight, she pulled away from him and braced her back against the wall again.

Fin retracted his arms from her and laced his fingers together in his lap.

" _It was a girl._ " She whispered lightly as she leaned her head against the wall too. " _I had a miscarriage and I never told anyone except my old boss._ " Olivia began to explain. " _It was over three years ago._ " She said. " _I lost her May 25_ _th_ _of 2006._ "

Fin looked at her with a slightly confused look.

" _Liv, Cragen would have been your boss then._ " He said, all the sudden wondering if she had some other job that he hadn't known about.

Olivia shook her head.

" _It was when I transferred to computer crimes for about four months or so._ " She explained.

" _Oh._ " Fin said, remembering her brief absence but he'd still kept in contact with her here and there during that time.

" _You moved to computer crimes because you had a miscarriage?_ " He questioned, wondering just how many questions she'd let him ask.

" _No… I moved to take a break from SVU. The Gitano case nearly killed us all._ "

Fin nodded in understanding. He wanted to ask more questions but he didn't want to push her or overwhelm her.

" _I never named her, I never got to hold her or hear her laugh or cry…_ " Olivia's tears flowed. " _I never even got to see what she looked like, if she had my eyes or her dad's…_ "

Fin could gather that she must have miscarried early on in the pregnancy.

Olivia wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and Fin removed some tissues that he had in his pocket and gave them to her. She blotted her face and pushed her hair behind her ears.

Fin stared at her intently and she looked back at him.

There was tension in the room but it wasn't thick. Olivia trusted Fin with her life.

" _Ask._ " She told him, she could see the question in his eyes.

" _I don't know if I want to._ " He replied honestly.

" _If you ask me, I'm going to tell you the truth, but what's said in this room, stays in this room._ " Olivia said strongly.

" _You know me better than that, Liv._ " He said, almost getting on to her for implying that they already didn't have an unspoken rule about keeping each other's secrets.

Olivia nodded almost apologetically.

Fin swallowed hard and glanced around the room. He wanted to ask. He needed to.

" _Who was the father?_ " he said and her ears started ringing. This wasn't something she had expected, after all, she'd given him permission to ask.

Olivia shook her head lightly, trying to calm herself and stop her ears from picking up a sound that wasn't really there.

Then she looked Fin dead in the eyes.

" _Elliot._ " She said.

Fin closed his eyes tightly and took a deep breath. It took all of his will to not get up and search for the man just so he could put his fist through Elliot's face.

Obviously, something had happened. Something had to have happened because Elliot was very muchly married to Kathy at the moment. Which meant that he left Olivia and went back to Kathy. Fin had done the math in his head. Eli would be younger than Olivia's child. That had to have meant that Elliot got Kathy pregnant after he'd gotten Olivia pregnant.

Son-of-a-bitch. He wanted to kill the man.

Olivia could see the anger begin to radiate off Fin and his fists were clinched.

" _Fin…_ " Olivia said lightly as she closed her hand over one of his fists. " _He didn't know._ " She said. " _He still doesn't…. I didn't even know until the miscarriage happened._ " Olivia explained.

His facial features changed immediately.

" _Why didn't you tell him?_ " Fin asked.

" _Why aren't you surprised?_ " She shot back.

Fin huffed.

" _You think I can't see the tension between you two… the chemistry?_ " He replied. " _We can all see it, Olivia._ "

She huffed. Great. Now, apparently the entire squad could apparently see the sexual tension between her and Elliot.

" _Why didn't you tell him?_ " Fin asked. " _I think he woulda been there… he woulda supported you and his child, even in death. He may not be a great husband or boyfriend, but he's always been a decent father…_ "

Olivia shook her head and reached up to wipe more tears away with her tissue.

" _What was I supposed to tell him, Fin? 'Oh hey, by the way, that one time we fucked while you were going through your divorce, you knocked me up but my body thought I wouldn't make a good mother so it terminated our love child?' Somehow I don't think he would have took it that well…_ " Olivia explained.

Fin rolled his eyes at her.

" _You know damn well that bullshit isn't true. Your body just malfunctioned. It happens to a lot of women…_ " He said. " _And it doesn't sound like you're handling it so well yourself right now…_ " Fin stated, eyeing her.

" _I know it wasn't my fault. I know it doesn't make me a bad mother and that I didn't kill my… my daughter…. But that doesn't mean I don't feel those things and I can't control how I feel._ " She said, giving him sad eyes.

" _That sounds like therapy talk…_ " He observed.

Olivia nodded.

" _I saw a therapist for a couple months afterwards… I'm gonna make an appointment tomorrow to go back to her._ "

" _Good. You know I got your back but I can't help you get your head straight. I'll do my damnest to try though._ " He promised her. " _And she wasn't a 'love child' Liv. You slept with a man that you had feelings for when he was about to be divorced. It wasn't some full blown affair…_ " Fin told her.

Olivia looked down at the carpet guiltily. She was ashamed all the sudden. Usually, she was able to rationalize what her and Elliot did. When a case was too tough or they had too much stress but lately, it'd turned into a full blown affair without the sex part, which was still an affair either way.

" _Olivia…_ " Fin said in a warning tone, noticing that she wasn't making eye contact anymore. He took a deep breath and shook his head before glancing around the room again. " _When was the last time you and Elliot were… together intimately?_ " He asked carefully as he settled his eyes back on her, wondering if his question was out of line but at the same time he really didn't care right now.

Olivia looked down at her watch briefly before looking back at Fin.

" _A few hours ago…_ " She whispered as tears filled her eyes.

Fin sighed. " _Oh baby girl…_ " He said as he wrapped his right arm back around her. " _You're playing with fire…_ "

She sniffed as she laid her head on his right shoulder.

" _Yeah, I know…_ "

Fin took another deep breath.

" _You do realize you confessed a miscarriage today to Kathy Stabler. A miscarriage of a baby that her husband fathered…_." He said.

Olivia's eyes widened and she shot up quickly, looking to Fin.

" _Oh god! Do you think she'll tell him?_ " Olivia asked frantically. Kathy hadn't known who the father was or when the miscarriage happened so technically, Elliot would be getting as little info as possible from his wife.

Fin looked at her with loving eyes.

" _I don't know, but I think you should tell him._ "

Olivia shook her head quickly.

" _I can't._ " She said honestly. " _It'll break me. It'll break him. It'll kill us both. I won't have a job, he'll transfer out if I don't and… I don't know if I could do my job without him…_ " Olivia stated.

Fin rubbed her back lightly.

" _Fin… he thinks he loves me._ "

" _I love you._ " He replied with a small smile. Now it was Olivia's turn to roll her eyes.

" _Not the kind of love I'm talking about._ " She said.

Fin let out a small laugh. " _Yeah, I know… Why you say he 'thinks' that?_ " He asked. " _You don't think he really loves you?_ "

Olivia shook her head slightly.

" _I think he's in love with the idea of 'us'. He's attached to me in a way that he shouldn't be._ " She explained, leaving off the part where she practically needs him to survive because she loves him so fucking much but refuses to admit it.

" _Is it that? Or is it that you don't think you deserve to be loved?_ " Fin asked, hitting the nail on the head. He knew Olivia well enough to know what her feelings were and where her head was when it came to love.

" _Stop._ " She commanded a bit too harshly. This wasn't something she wanted to talk about now. She had other things to worry about besides her on going affair with a married man. There was a child that she had been the mother of for all of two hours before she'd lost her.

Fin nodded, understanding her warning. The Elliot subject was off the table for now.

" _I had the baby girl sent to Memory Chapel._ " Fin told Olivia. " _You left the papers in the car._ " He said, leaning away from her momentarily to get the folded up papers out of his jacket pocket and handing them to her. " _I glanced through them. There's no directions for burial or funeral. There is one request though, and I hate to tell you what it is._ "

Olivia sighed as she looked through the papers, her eyes scanning for the request Fin was referring to. Of course, there had to be more complications.

" _I can't give her Gladys' last name?_ " Olivia looked astonished, glancing between Fin and the papers in her hands. " _She has to be a Benson?_ "

" _As far as I can tell, she doesn't have to be a Benson, she just can't have Gladys' last name. You can give her whatever last name you want._ " Fin said.

" _Fuck…_ " Olivia said lowly, leaning her head back against the wall again. " _She was… is… legally my daughter. I am her mother now…. So, she'll be a Benson. I just wish… I wish Gladys had named her already._ "

The baby having to be a Benson hurt in so many ways. Now there was going to be two 'Baby Girl Benson's" at the grave yard. Gosh, she'd have to be buried next to her first daughter, or either on the other side of Serena. Olivia had envisioned herself being buried next to her first daughter, so the child would be in between her and Serena.

" _Do I have a funeral?_ " Olivia asked, turning her head to look at Fin.

" _If you want to. The squad will come. Probably some of the nurses too. I'm sure Kathy would show up as well._ " He explained, trying to show her what that option would look like.

Olivia took a deep breath. " _I don't want to have a funeral…_ " She said. " _But what if she deserved one? What if she would have wanted one?_ _Doesn't her life deserve to be celebrated even though it was so short?_ "

Fin shook his head at that.

" _Liv, that little girl is somewhere not hurting, not in pain anymore, probably happy and peaceful._ " He said. " _I don't think she'd care what you do, as long as you're okay with the decision._ "

Olivia sniffed and wiped more tears away that had come at the thought of the child being an angel.

She huffed again and looked down at her lap.

" _I know what I'm doing is wrong, Fin… I mean, Elliot and I don't actually have sex, it happened the one time but we're still intimate and-_ "

Fin held his hand up quickly to stop her.

" _I don't need no detail, baby girl._ " He said quickly.

She halfway smiled at him and nodded even though she wasn't truly going to give him details.

" _What I'm saying is…_ " She continued but paused to take another breath. " _I know it's wrong, I know I'm in the wrong. I'm fucking up royally and I will take full responsibility for any shit that goes down but… you still… um…_ " Olivia was struggling with her words.

As soon as Fin realized where she was going with the conversation, he jumped in.

" _I've got your back. I've got your six, Liv._ " He promised her, leaning over and halfway hugging her as she leaned up off the wall slightly. " _What you're doing is wrong, it's not right in any way but you're not a murderer or a rapist. You still have me… and to be honest, if you did murder someone, they'd probably deserve it and I'd probably help you so you'd still have me anyways._ " He said, smiling as he kissed her on the temple.

She gave him a watery smile.

" _I love you and I'll keep you from self-destructing if shit goes down._ " He promised.

Those three little words always affected her so much, even coming from him, even though it was getting easier to hear them from his mouth because she believed it, she knew they were real and he was being honest.

They talked for a little while longer about how Olivia was going to handle the burial and where it would be. She was glad to have someone to talk about it with.

Finally, she decided it was time to go to bed since it was almost three in the morning. Cragen had given her the next day off, that much she knew.

She took a small bottle of pills out of her pocket and showed them to Fin.

" _They're legit._ " She assured him, showing him the label. " _They're sleeping pills that my therapist prescribed me after I lost my… my baby._ " Olivia explained. " _I'm going to take one now but I… I just didn't want you to think that I was popping pills or abusing drugs._ "

Fin gave her a sad smile.

" _Okay… Let's get you into bed…_ " He said and began to stand up.

" _No…_ " Olivia said quickly, stopping him from moving. He looked at her in question as she quickly got up and grabbed a couple of pillows from her bed, handing him one and sitting back down beside him.

" _This better not smell like Stabler…_ " He said with an unimpressed look and Olivia lightly hit him on the arm for the jab at her but they both smiled.

" _It's for your back._ " She explained. " _I like sitting here… it's close to the ground but right beside the bathroom and I can see my bedroom and the living room through my door…_ " Olivia huffed. " _I can't explain it._ "

Fin leaned up and pushed the pillow behind his back.

" _You can leave after I'm asleep… These pills knock me out. I won't know if you even move a muscle._ " She said.

" _We'll see…_ " He replied, but he had no intention of leaving her.

…

Elliot Stabler walked up to Olivia's apartment door, well aware that it was nearly four thirty in the morning, but after all the shit that had happened, he knew she couldn't possibly be asleep. He knocked on the door and already had his key out, anticipating that she wouldn't answer. So, after a few seconds of silence, he let himself in.

Gazing around, the apartment looked okay, so he made his way to the bedroom where he was met with a bottle of vodka on the floor outside.

" _Shit…_ " He mumbled as he reached down to pick it up, shaking his head. Elliot wished she'd have called him.

Walking through her bedroom door, he looked up from the bottle in his hands and saw Fin sitting up against the wall, staring at him. Olivia looked to be asleep with her head on a pillow in his lap and a blanket covering her body.

Fin's phone was in his left hand like he'd been texting someone or playing a game.

Elliot's eyes immediately went to the gun that was just a few inches from his feet and he began to look panicked.

" _It's not what you think._ " Fin told him lightly and Elliot gave him a questioning look.

Fin gestured to Olivia's sleeping figure.

" _She took a sleeping pill. She's out cold._ " He said, letting the other detective know that he didn't need to whisper.

" _What happened?_ " Elliot asked as he made his way over to sit down on Olivia's bed with the vodka bottle still in his hands.

" _She crashed… hard._ " Fin explained. " _How much did Kathy tell you?_ "

Elliot looked around and rubbed the back of his head with his right hand.

" _Enough to make me rush over here._ " He responded but knew that Fin wanted more info than that so he huffed and continued. " _She said Liv got custody of the baby, the baby passed, and Liv lost it at the hospital._ "

Fin nodded.

" _That's about right._ "

Elliot cleared his throat. " _What happened with this and that?_ " He asked, gesturing to the bottle and then the gun.

" _Nothing major…_ " Fin said, not willing to give Elliot the full story. " _It wasn't a suicidal thing, that's all you need to know._ " He said lightly and Elliot had no choice but to accept his answer.

" _Okay._ " He replied, understanding that Fin was protecting Olivia's privacy. " _Does she need any help with anything? Funeral or wake or whatever she's planning?_ " Elliot asked, wanting to be helpful.

" _There's gonna be neither. She's gonna pick out a small casket and set a date for them to meet her at the graveyard. I think she wants a preacher to pray over the baby and say a few words then they'll bury her and that's it._ " Fin explained.

Elliot nodded.

" _She doing this alone?_ " He asked, looking at Fin.

" _Nah,_ " He said. " _She asked me to go with her…_ "

Elliot nodded again and looked at her sleeping form. She looked so peaceful but she'd clearly been crying before her slumber.

" _I don't know if she'll want you there or not…_ " Fin said. " _If she mentions it to you and tells you the date, then she probably wants you to show… if not…._ " Fin shrugged.

" _Yeah, I got it._ " Elliot said with a small smile. " _She called you tonight?_ " He asked, trying not to let on how hurt he was that she'd called Fin instead of him.

" _Nah,_ " Fin shook his head. " _I was over here for drinks when Cragen showed up with the news. I drove her to the hospital…_ "

Elliot nodded again. He seemed to be having problems forming words.

" _I was wondering if you'd switch shifts with me tomorrow… well, today?_ " Fin asked lightly, glancing at his watch.

Elliot's eyebrows shot up.

" _You want me to be partnered with much?_ " He asked.

" _Cap gave her the day off and I haven't been to sleep yet. I also don't plan on leaving her alone anytime soon…_ " Fin said.

Elliot rubbed his stubble with his right hand as he looked down at the vodka bottle in his left.

" _I think she just doesn't want you to see her like this, man._ " Fin explained, trying to ease Elliot's worry, knowing Elliot was probably dying to be him at the moment.

" _Yeah… yeah, I'll switch with you. I'll tell Cragen when I get in. I'm sure he'll understand._ " Elliot responded, looking back up at Fin and standing up from the bed.

He crouched down and pushed Olivia's hair out of her face before pulling up the blanket to her shoulders, ensuring that she was warm and comfortable.

Then he stood back up and made his way to the door.

Just by that one little gesture, Fin could tell the man truly loved her.

" _I'm taking this with me._ " Elliot said, holding up the bottle of vodka. Fin nodded. " _And I'm gonna do a sweep of her kitchen before I leave and confiscate anymore that I find._ "

" _Aight._ " Fin said. He didn't have a problem with it and he wasn't sure Olivia would either.

 **Y'all grad school started and I basically missed the first week because I was in the hospital! And now I have to have surgery and am going to miss at least another day or two ~rolls eyes~ I'll try to update at a decent rate but with everything going on, it might be a while.**

 **Reviews definitely help inspire me though….**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey, y'all remember that one time I updated after I was a bit drunk? Well here you go. Hope you like it, sorry if you don't. Either way, drop me a review and let me know!**

" _Oh god!_ " She hissed as his tongue entered her while his fingers massaged the flesh at her hips.

Olivia moved in rhythm with his tongue. She was laying on her bed with both hands running through his hair. Ecstasy was what she was feeling now. After a very long bout of depression, she'd decided she had needs and wanted stress relief, she needed it. She refused to feel guilty about it too.

There was enough guilt weighing on her as it was. She didn't need to also feel guilty for her sex drive and for the way her body wanted to be relieved of stress.

" _Ohhhhh that's good… so fucking good…_ " She said as she pushed his head harder between her thighs. " _I'm close… so close… mmmhmmmm._ " Olivia moaned as her back arched.

She removed her hands from his head to grab her own breasts and lightly massage them, running her palms over her nipples several times.

" _Yeah, like that. Just like that…_ " She whispered as his tongue licked her slit up and down, then entered her opening and began moving up and down slowly.

Olivia was a vision when she was in her state of sexual bliss.

It amazed him how open and honest she was about what she wanted, and how she wasn't afraid to be blunt, to the point, and tell him what he could and couldn't do with her. Not a lot of women were as comfortable in the bedroom as Olivia was.

" _Go a little faster… that's it… yes! YES!_ " She said rather loudly. " _Oh, fuck yes!_ " Olivia nearly screamed as her orgasm hit. " _Mmmmnnn… mmnnnn…. mmnnnn_ " she moaned lowly in pants as she rode out her waves of pleasure.

Olivia was very thankful that she wasn't one of those women whose body released fluids when their orgasms hit. Not only would it be extremely messy each time, but she'd feel bad asking anyone to go down on her. She'd always had fluid buildup between her legs of course, but it was never like when a man climaxed.

" _God, you're a vision…_ " He said as he looked up at her to find her hands still grasping her chest.

She smiled at him in return as she finally caught her breath.

" _Come here…_ " She said huskily, and he climbed his way up her body until his dick was resting at the entrance between her legs.

" _Are you sure about this?_ " He asked hesitantly. He knew she had some concerns even though he wasn't entirely sure why.

Olivia nodded her head.

" _You put the condom on, right?_ " She asked. In hindsight, she knew he'd put it on, she just wanted to make extra sure.

He nodded.

" _Okay…_ " She said as she smiled and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. " _Just remember what we talked about…_ "

He also nodded, smiling. " _I know._ " He said. " _I'd never do something that you didn't want me to… you know that, right?_ " He asked, looking into her eyes as he bent down over her, closer to her face.

" _I know… that's why we're doing this._ " Olivia said with conviction. She trusted him.

He took a deep breath. " _Ready?_ " He asked. " _This is the point of no return so if you're gonna back out, you need to do it now… I mean, if you said stop, obviously I'd stop. Hell, if you seem off or like something is wrong I'm going to stop and check on you but you know what I mean, once I'm inside, then I've been inside, there's no going back and saying we didn't have sex today or-_ "

" _Trevor._ " She said, cutting him off but also getting amusement out of his word vomit. " _Just fuck me…_ " She said as she smiled up at him.

" _Yes ma'am…_ " He whispered, leaning down and kissing her as he slid inside her.

Olivia grasped his forearms that were beside her head to steady herself. He stopped once he was fully inside her.

" _You okay?_ " He asked, concerned. Trevor could see a hint of pain etched into her features.

" _Yeah… yeah… it's just… it's been a while…_ " She said, rather embarrassed. " _Just start moving… my body will adjust…_ " She promised him. It took him a second to get into action because he was studying her face. Trevor Langan wasn't quite as good at reading people as Olivia was, but eventually, he relented and slowly began to move his hips back and forth.

" _Fuck, I've missed this…_ " She whispered as she closed her eyes, enjoying the pleasure that was taking over her body. Olivia bit her lip and tightened her grip on his arms. " _Mmmm…_ " She moaned as she opened her eyes and stared into his green ones. " _I'm gonna be honest… I never thought you'd be this big or this…_ "

" _Affectionate?_ " He asked, chuckling as he watched her facial features change as he sped up his pace.

" _Yeah…_ " She said, bringing her knees up to pick her feet up and fully wrap them around his waist now.

" _That's how most women are… it comes with the territory of being a defense attorney…_ " He said, not bothering to call her out on the comment about his penis, then let out a grunt as he sped up a considerable amount, beginning to slam into her.

" _Oh, fuck!_ " Olivia half yelled, removing her arms from his and wrapping them around his neck, causing him to bury his face in her shoulder.

" _God, you're beautiful…_ " He said as he took his right hand and placed it over her left breast, squeezing it.

" _I'm gonna come again…_ " She announced as her arms tightened around him, as well as her legs. " _Trevorrrr…._ " She moaned and it sent pleasuring tingles through his entire body.

" _Sweet…. Ugh…. Jesus…. Ugh…_ " He said as he grunted as he thrusted into her.

Olivia slipped her right hand between them, surprising him as she rubbed the top of her mound. She was determined to have a second orgasm and to make it as powerful as possible.

Trevor looked at her with her eyes shut, her head tilted back, her mouth open, and her hand going fast between them. He'd give anything to have a recording of Olivia in the state that she was in right now.

" _I'm… I'm gonna… shitshitshi! mhhmmmm…_ " She meshed her words together as her spasms hit her and she fell off the edge. She was enjoying herself probably more than she should be, especially when she was sleeping with someone that she probably shouldn't be.

Her hand stopped moving as she pulled it back, opening her now dilated eyes to stare at him, biting her lip. She couldn't believe Trevor Langan was giving her such wonderful sex. Who knew he had it in him?

" _Olivia…_ " He said in a half wine half warning.

She almost asked him what he needed, what he wanted her to do but instead she just went with what was in her head. She looked up at him with innocent eyes and pushed her chest out more, into his so he could feel her nipples against him. Then she began thrusting her hips into his as her hands made their way to his ass as she started moaning for him.

" _Fuck!_ " he said quickly as he moved his ass back and pulled out of her, using his right hand to pump his dick while he came into the condom, aiming himself at her lower belly in case something had happened to the condom or he spilled.

She loved the sight of him, it was a sight that she thought she'd never see to be honest. It had all happened rather quickly.

Trevor had showed up at her apartment and even though she'd been turning most people away because she didn't wish to see anyone, she was so surprised that she opened the door to him for fear that something had gone terribly wrong at work.

Then, he'd explained about how everyone at his office had heard about what happened and they all had signed a card for her and sent her a "condolences" basket, nominating him to bring it to her squad room because he'd been the one that worked with her the most.

" _I didn't want to leave it in the squad room… there's some pretty good stuff in there and I was worried some of your co-workers might help themselves…_ " He'd explained as he handed her the basket at her front door.

Olivia had invited him in and her counter that was full of dishes and casseroles didn't go unnoticed. She'd been surprised herself when she'd began receiving food almost two weeks ago from colleagues that she didn't know too well and from some of the nurses and doctors that had been at the hospital.

She didn't have any of this when she'd lost her first child but she also hadn't told anyone either. Even when her mom died, she didn't get this kind of outpouring love from strangers, just a few flowers from co-workers and a couple of her mother's old friends.

They'd sat on the couch and talked for a while. His concern was surprising to her, just as it had been when he'd offered to represent her when she was on trial for murder.

She gave him a few details about the burial and she didn't even shed a tear, thank god.

After about two hours of talking about several topics, he looked at his watch, saying it was getting later in the afternoon and that he needed to head out. He still wasn't sure she'd been comfortable with him there and originally, he'd tried to pass on being volunteered by colleagues to bring her the card and basket because he didn't think he was the person she wanted to see at the moment.

They'd gotten up and Olivia walked him to her door.

" _I'm glad you're doing better, but yeah, I have to get going…_ " He said as he placed his hand on her door knob but remained facing her, waiting for Olivia to give him her finale goodbyes so he could leave.

She surprised herself and him as she leaned on her toes to kiss him. It lasted longer than a peck and she shouldn't have been too surprised since she'd felt a similar buzz in the bottom of her belly ever since he'd arrived.

" _Umm, you don't have to…_ " She said almost shyly as she glanced around the apartment, not daring to look at his reaction for fear that she'd done something that he was repulsed by.

Trevor took a deep breath and blew it out, trying to assess the situation as quickly as possible.

" _Do you want me to stay?_ " He asked her, but Olivia wasn't looking at him, she was looking towards her feet. " _Olivia, do you want me to stay?_ " He asked her softly, causing her to look up at him. Shit, half the people in his office wanted to fuck her. She had an ass and a rack that could easily send men to their knees but Trever wasn't like his co-workers, he wouldn't treat her like a piece of meat. She deserved dignity and respect.

" _Yeah… I'd like you to… yeah._ " She'd said as her heart nearly beat out of her chest at what she was proposing, and not entirely sure that he was getting her offer.

" _You sure?_ " He asked with a small smile, trying to see if she was just having a moment of weakness that she'd regret later.

Olivia made eye contact with him and nodded. Trevor nodded in reply and Olivia locked the deadbolt on her apartment door before they made their way back to one of her couches.

This time, instead of sitting across from him, she sat beside him with their bodies barely touching.

She looked at him, wanting to apologize now but with the way he was looking at her, it made her feel things and want things. She stared at his lips, probably for too long because he leaned down and gently kissed her.

Olivia's hands instantly went to his face, holding him in place as she kissed him, her tongue licking his lips and seeking entrance, which didn't take long for him to grant. After a few long seconds of lip locking, she pulled back and closed her eyes, trying not to think too harshly about what she was doing and who she was doing it with. She also tried not to think about Elliot.

Trevor gave her a look of sadness that was somehow mixed with concern and arousal. She huffed and leaned to lay her head on his shoulder.

" _I'm sorry if this is awkward and weird…_ " She said in a small voice.

Trevor took a deep breath and shifted to where his arm was resting behind her on the couch, it was more for her support than his but she didn't know that.

" _I don't know much about you, Olivia._ " He began and she listened intently. " _I know that you're great with victims, that you have one of the biggest hearts, but I also know that you are alone and have no family… You're one of the strongest women I've ever met and up until about two hours ago, I was sure that you hated my guts…_ "

" _I thought I did too…_ " She said in a whisper. " _I still could…_ " She leaned back and looked at him with a grin. " _You do represent the scum of the Earth…_ "

He let out a small laugh. " _Just remember that every time you say that now, you're putting yourself in that category…_ "

They talked for a few minutes and eventually, she'd been blunt. Olivia had told him she needed stress relief, a distraction, something sexual. She made sure to let him know that she wasn't looking for a relationship and she didn't know if she ever would be.

To her surprise, Trevor had kissed her right after she'd spoken.

" _You're by far the hottest detective I've ever met…_ " He said boldly as he pulled back from her lips but stayed in her face. She smiled in return as her face reddened.

They'd talked some more and she'd explained that he'd have to wear a condom and he wasn't allowed to finish inside of her. She'd been very specific and very precise when she'd been explaining it to him, leaving out the reasons why, of course, which raised red flags for him.

Eventually, they'd moved to the bedroom and now, they were both laying under her covers after what turned out to be a very fulfilling round of sex.

Olivia laid on her left side, her arm propping her head up and staring at him. Trevor was clearly deep in thought.

" _What are you thinking about?_ " She asked lightly.

He was laying flat on his back with the covers pooled at his side while the were up past Olivia's chest. Trevor turned his head to his right to look at her.

" _Nothing…_ " He replied.

Olivia shook her head. " _No, I can read you better than that._ "

He smiled. Of course she could.

" _I don't want to ruin the mood._ " He told her honestly.

" _You won't…_ " She tried to promise him but he shook his head, disagreeing.

" _I will… and I'm not sure you'd answer my question anyways but I'm positive that I shouldn't ask it…_ " Trevor replied.

" _Ask me… I might surprise you…_ " She said, a hint of mischief in her smile as her messy hair cascaded around her face.

He was quiet for a minute, gathering his thoughts. Trevor wanted to properly phrase his question in the best possible way that showed no judgement. To be honest, he was scared of asking her, but he felt like he needed to. They'd just slept together and there was a possibility that they might do it again.

" _Have… Were you sexually assaulted?_ " He asked in a very calm and lowered voice.

The smile immediately fell from her face and he noted instantly that her mood changed.

" _Don't answer it… I shouldn't have asked… I'm sorry…_ " He said, stumbling over his words and pulling the covers up more past his waist because now he felt more exposed.

Olivia inhaled a deep breath.

" _No, it's okay, let's talk about it…_ " She said as she ran her left hand through her hair before dropping her head from her right hand onto her pillow and gazing at him as she pulled the covers tighter against her chest. " _What sparked this question?_ " She asked.

Trevor shook his head. " _I shouldn't have asked._ " He said, staring at the ceiling.

" _But you did._ " She told him. " _So, we're going to address it…_ "

It wasn't that he should have asked, it was just that the question had thrown her.

He was quite again, gathering his thoughts, worried he'd fucked up already.

" _You said some things that raised red flags… I couldn't do certain things and the way you said I need to wear a condom… it's not how women usually tell me things like that…_ " He replied, turning to look at her again.

Olivia nodded, understanding and making a mental note to re-assess how she talked about those things if she decided to sleep with another man sometime in the future.

" _I was sexually assaulted…_ " Olivia admitted. " _But that's not why I was so adamant on you wearing a condom and pulling out… I have other reasons behind that, reasons that I can't tell you._ " She tried to explain, looking him in the eye so he'd know she was honest.

Trevor looked very sad all the sudden.

" _You were assaulted on the job?_ " He asked hesitantly.

Olivia closed her eyes briefly and nodded.

" _I was._ " She answered. " _But I wasn't raped, it was just sexual assault…_ " She said, as if it was no big deal, as if she hadn't been handcuffed to a prison door in the basement and had an erect penis mere centimeters from her lips.

Trevor nodded and returned his gaze to her bedroom ceiling. He seemed to be thinking hard about something.

" _Did… did I represent him?_ " He asked in a small voice.

Olivia was so bothered by his sincere fear of something he hadn't done that she didn't even bother correcting his statement that she hadn't said a man assaulted her, that a woman could have and men assaulting women was just the social norm about rape and sexual assault.

" _No…_ " She said quickly, trying to mask her look of panic.

" _Because if I did…_ " He continued.

" _God, no._ " Olivia said quickly, scooting towards him. " _Trever, you didn't._ " She insisted. " _You wouldn't be in my bed if you had, I promise you that._ "

Trevor seemed to let out a breath of relief, like he'd been terrified he'd done something to hurt her.

" _He's in jail?_ " he asked, turning his head towards her again. Olivia said up on her right elbow and cocked her head to look at him.

" _Trevor, I didn't report it…_ " His eyes seemed to widen at this realization. " _Only my partner and Detective Tutuola know what happened aside from a therapist I saw… and I need to keep it that way…_ " She raised her eyebrows slightly, trying to get her message across that he was sworn to secrecy. He couldn't tell anyone or ask any questions, or even go digging for more information.

" _You let him go free?_ " He asked in astonishment because after all, Olivia Benson was a badass and a great detective, she'd put every single perp on the planet in jail if she could.

" _Do you really think I'm the kind of woman that would allow my assailant to get off scot free?_ " Olivia asked, cocking an eyebrow. " _Better yet, do you really think Elliot would let someone go who'd sexually assaulted me? Or Fin for that matter?_ "

Trevor covered his eyes with his right hand as he turned his face back towards the ceiling.

" _Oh god, you did something illegal, didn't you? Stabler killed him? Don't tell me, fuck don't tell me. I'm a lawyer, you can't tell me._ " He said as he began to mildly panic.

Olivia laughed and lightly hit his shoulder.

" _No!_ " She said, smiling at him as he peaked out from under his hand. " _He's in jail for raping another woman… several women actually…_ " Olivia said as the smile faded from her face at the seriousness of her statement. " _But I wasn't raped._ " She added quickly.

Trevor gave her a thin smile.

" _You don't have to convince me… I believe you, Olivia_." He said gently.

Olivia was feeling a bit overwhelmed so she scooted over and wrapped her arms around his waist pulling the covers with her as she laid her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her body.

She looked up at him with her hair messy and half way in her face.

" _Can you stay for a while?_ " She asked.

" _Yeah… yeah, I can._ " He replied as he leaned down to kiss her, then held her closely.

…

The knocking at her door was persistent. She could hear it all the way from her room and her phone kept dinging with multiple text messages that were no doubt from him trying to lure her out from the depths of her bed where she was nested and had been for the better part of two weeks, except at the moment, her newest bed companion was still occupying the bed with her from their earlier activities.

Olivia and Trevor had fallen asleep not long after their conversation and Olivia was honestly just content to let him lay with her for as long as he wished.

Olivia groaned and nuzzled herself deeper into Trevor's side. She'd even lost a bit of weight due to not eating as much lately due to her mood and recent bout of depression even though her counter was full of food.

Taking two weeks off work was something that Olivia Benson had never done before. Everyone was worried, even Cragen but he'd respected her wishes to take two weeks of her vacation time. It wasn't like she didn't have many vacation days saved up. In fact, she had several and several weeks of vacation time saved up.

Still, she had answered her captain's calls every few days when he checked in on her but it was more so out of fear that he'd send Elliot to check on her.

Her partner had showed up after the first week, knocking on her door, trying to come in to comfort her in whatever way she needed. Elliot had also been worried about her. At that point, she'd ignored his texts and calls all week. He would have come over sooner but he had Fin to rely on and tell him that Olivia was okay, that she was trying to cope.

After the second week, he couldn't take her silent treatment any longer. Elliot caved and went to her apartment again.

This time, he wasn't going away without a fight.

Olivia rolled her eyes, this time at the ringing of her phone.

Reaching a hand out from under the covers, she felt around on the side table until she grabbed it and then tugged it under the covers where the rest of her body was, while Trevor tightened his arms around her waist.

Of course, it was Elliot calling her. The previous four missed calls were from him as well as the past seven text messages. She hit 'ignore' on her phone and quickly flipped through the text messages even though she'd already read the first few.

" _ **Hey, how are you doing?**_ "

" _ **Is there anything you need? Anything I can do?**_ "

" _ **I'm worried about you, Liv.**_ "

" _ **If you need anything from me, please let me know.**_ "

" _ **I need to know you're okay.**_ "

" _ **I'm coming over.**_ "

And then there was the most recent one sent only a couple of minutes ago.

" _ **Please open the door, I know you're in there.**_ "

She huffed as she closed her eyes tightly. Olivia didn't want to see him and she didn't want him there while Trevor was there. Seeing Elliot was actually the last thing that she wanted to do. Then she felt the phone vibrate in her hand, causing her to look at the screen again.

" _ **If you don't answer me, I'm using my key.**_ " He threatened her.

She almost laughed as she typed back her reply.

" _ **Go ahead, the deadbolt is locked.**_ " She dared him.

" _You're gonna piss him off…_ " Trevor said as he peered over her shoulder. He knew how Elliot could be, he'd experienced Elliot's anger first hand in the precinct.

Olivia could almost feel Elliot roll his eyes as she sent the message. It took a few seconds but he sent his reply.

" _ **I'll kick it in. You know I will.**_ " The detective had replied.

" _Told you…_ " Trevor whispered behind her.

She rolled her own eyes and quickly typed back her reply.

" _ **Hold on, I'm coming.**_ " He really would kick it in, this she knew from past experience when he'd thought she was in danger before. Sure, she wasn't in immediate danger now but she knew he could and would kick her door down if he deemed it necessary.

Then Olivia took a deep breath as she threw the covers off herself.

" _Stay here and keep quiet…_ " She told Trevor as she grabbed her robe and threw it on, pulling the belt tight at her waist in the middle.

Trevor smiled at her but didn't give any inclination that he was going to disobey her.

She walked to the door in a timely manner, not wanting to give Elliot a reason to fuck up her apartment door.

" _What do you need, El?_ " She asked as she slowly opened the door and huffed.

He looked the same for the most part except he had darker circles under his eyes and he looked concerned.

Elliot shrugged and looked past her into her apartment.

" _I just need to check on you…_ " He replied.

" _No, you just wanted to check on me…_ " She corrected, rolling her eyes.

Elliot tried to walk past her into the apartment but she put her arms up, bracing herself on the door frame and the door.

He narrowed his eyes at her.

" _I'm not allowed in now?_ " He asked in almost an accusatory tone.

Olivia's eyes visibly softened towards him. She could see genuine concern for her and care for her well-being.

" _You came to make sure I'm okay… I'm fine._ " She said. " _You've seen me. You can go…_ " Olivia tried to say it as politely and gentle as possible. She honestly wasn't up to seeing him.

She'd lost a child. Technically, she'd lost two, one being his that he didn't even know about and it was all still on her mind.

" _I'm coming back to work in a couple of days…_ " Olivia told him when he declined to say anything further.

Elliot nodded and rubbed a hand down his stubble.

" _Kathy's allowed in here but I'm not?_ " He asked, this time it was definitely in an accusatory tone.

Olivia rolled her eyes.

" _She came with food and brought Eli… I wasn't going to turn her away…_ " She told him. It was true, Kathy had stopped by last week with Eli in tow and Olivia had debated letting the blonde in, but when she saw the little boy and dishes of food with them, she couldn't resist opening the door.

…

Flashback:

It'd been a small thing, the burial of the baby. She hadn't even told Elliot when it was or that she was taking two weeks off afterwards, but she'd told Fin to keep an eye on him and he had.

There was no way in hell she'd risk telling him the plans because even if she wouldn't have wanted him there, he would have showed up after she'd left just to pay his respects to the child and then he would have discovered their unborn child's grave.

It had been an emotional day for Olivia. She'd been mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.

The day after the burial, Kathy and Eli had showed up. Olivia had been so surprised that she'd immediately opened the door and a small Eli slung himself against her left leg.

" _Livvia!_ " He'd said excitedly.

Kathy scolded him instantly, telling him you had to wait to be invited into someone's home before you went inside but the little boy didn't seem to care.

" _Miss you…_ " He'd told Olivia as she picked up the two-year-old.

" _You missed me?_ " She asked, faking surprise as her eyes watered. She couldn't help it. He was so little, cute, and beautiful. She'd give anything to have seen her biological child or the child she'd just buried make it to that age.

Olivia opened the door wider for Kathy to enter.

" _You sad?_ " He asked and Olivia's heart dropped at the fact that he was picking up on her emotions.

Kathy gave her a sympathetic look.

" _Happy tears… because I'm happy to see you… I missed you too._ " Olivia said, realizing that Kathy and Elliot might not have explained death to him yet.

" _Oh._ " Was his only reply, then he hugged her, which just melted her heart.

Olivia reached up to wipe her tears away.

" _You didn't have to do this…_ " Olivia told the blonde as she looked at the food Kathy was setting on the counter. There was a casserole, Olivia couldn't tell what kind yet, and a pie. The pie looked like it was apple.

" _It's what you do… or what we do._ " Kathy replied with a small smile.

Standing barefoot in her kitchen, bouncing Eli on her hip, the weight of her and Elliot's affair hit her at full force along with all the other things she'd been feelings over the past few days.

" _I don't deserve this Kathy…_ " She said.

" _Just because she wasn't your biological child doesn't mean it isn't difficult or doesn't hurt…_ " Kathy tried to explain in a comforting tone that Olivia could tell she'd used on patients at the hospital.

But Kathy was wrong, Olivia didn't mean that she didn't deserve it because she wasn't a mother, she meant because she'd been being intimate with this woman's husband. The very woman that was standing in her kitchen, bringing her hot food after a terrible tragedy had occurred in her life.

Olivia nodded as more tears came. Eli laid his head on her shoulder and she hugged him tighter as she bounced him.

" _Why don't we go into the living room?_ " Kathy suggested as she place her hand on Olivia's lower back and guided her to the couch, probably out of fear that the brunette was about to have a mental breakdown and drop her son on the kitchen floor.

Olivia sat down on one end of the couch cross legged, facing the opposite end, which is where Kathy chose to sit in order to give Olivia some space. Eli settled himself in Olivia's lap and Kathy handed him her phone to keep him busy playing games.

" _How are you holding up?_ " The blonde asked.

" _I'm fine._ " Olivia's automated answer fired off instantly.

" _Isn't that the famous Olivia Benson line?_ " Kathy asked lightly, smiling and Olivia cocked an eyebrow. " _Elliot's said as much…_ " She said, filling in the blanks in Olivia's head.

The brunette nodded in understanding. Everyone in the precinct knew it was her go to answer when talking about herself.

They talked for a little while about the baby and then about how Gladys was nowhere to be found. Olivia caught Kathy staring at her lap and the detective looked down to see Eli fast asleep with his mom's phone sitting in his lap. Olivia smiled warmly at the sight.

" _Kathy…_ " Olivia began, not quite knowing how to ask the question that she knew she needed to ask. Kathy looked to her with concern, sensing a change in Olivia's voice. " _Did you… what you heard me say at the hospital… did you mention it to Elliot?_ "

The brunette's heart was beating nearly out of her chest. She'd been avoiding Elliot for the past two days, terrified he'd ask about her miscarriage because Kathy had told him about it.

But the blonde gave Olivia a thin smile.

" _No…_ " She said. " _I figured if you wanted him to know you'd lost a child, then he'd already know._ "

Olivia nodded, felling sick to her stomach at the fact that she was talking about the child that she'd conceived with Elliot, to his wife while his youngest child lay sleeping in her lap. The weight on her shoulders felt heavier and heavier.

She didn't know if she could bear it anymore, if she could continue things with him. He had a wife, he needed to be with her no matter how she and Elliot felt about each other.

Olivia was the other woman. She always would be, there was no denying that. Once upon a time, she'd thought they could actually, truly be something, when his relationship had gone to hell and he was finalizing his divorce.

If he would have just kept it in his pants for a little while long, then he'd be hers but she wouldn't wish that now, she never would.

Eli was too precious. Olivia loved that little boy like her own child, which is why she kept her distance from him and his mother as much as possible. She had no right to be in their lives, especially with what she and Elliot had been doing.

Olivia's eyes watered at the thought of emotionally and mentally hurting the little boy in her lap but Kathy took her tears as sadness for the biological child she'd once lost.

" _It's okay, Liv._ " The blonde said, using Olivia's pet name. " _If you need to talk, I'm here. I understand you not wanting Elliot to know. It's something private and I'm sure it's a painful memory…_ "

Olivia shook her head vigorously as she used her left hand to wipe her eyes.

" _I don't want to talk about it._ " The brunette said quickly. " _I can't… I only discuss it with my therapist… who I'm seeing tomorrow…_ " She confessed. " _Please, don't mention that to Elliot either…_ "

Kathy nodded in understanding. " _You have my word…_ " Kathy understood how precious secrets were.

After that, they'd reverted to talking to Eli for a bit then Kathy had said they needed to go. Olivia kissed Eli's cheek as he sleepily reached for his mom. The blonde told Olivia to get the dishes back to her whenever she had a chance.

As soon as the two were out the door, Olivia locked it and her knees buckled beneath her, causing her to hit the ground as she cried for the man she loved and for what she was doing to his family. She hated herself, she hated that she had feelings for Elliot and most of all, she hated what she was doing to Eli even if he wasn't aware.

It had to stop.

…

" _She wants her dishes back, by the way._ " Elliot said, looking to Olivia expectantly.

Olivia rolled her eyes at him and held the door open so he could come inside to retrieve them. It was no use making him wait at the door. As soon as she turned her back, he'd be inside, probably searching for vodka, terrified that she was turning into Serena.

He followed her into the kitchen. Olivia saw him looking around.

Luckily, she had Kathy's dished all cleaned and ready to go. Because it was the first casserole and dessert that she receive, and the best, she'd eaten it first before she'd truly lost her appetite and her bout of depression consumed her.

She walked to the counter and retrieved the dishes for him.

" _Here._ " She said, handing them to him.

" _Thanks…_ " Elliot said, seemingly relenting that she was actually coping and had just hit a few rough patches during her mourning process. " _I'm really glad you're alright, Liv…_ " He told her, giving her a smile as he turned to walk towards the door.

Then a sneeze came from her bedroom…

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	15. Chapter 15

" _I'm really glad you're alright, Liv…_ " He told her, giving her a smile as he turned to walk towards the door.

Then a sneeze came from her bedroom.

It had clearly come from a man.

Elliot's eyebrows shot up as he stopped moving and turned around, looking at Olivia. Her eyes were wider and she was standing still, not knowing what to do. There was no way she could anticipate how he was going to react.

She swallowed hard, hoping he would think that maybe it was his imagination but then they heard a second sneeze.

Olivia closed her eyes tightly, bracing herself for whatever Elliot was about to do and pulled the belt around her robe tighter.

It made sense to him now, why she'd been in a house robe and not her usual sweats and tank top, she'd been in bed with a man. Olivia Benson was naked beneath her house robe.

Elliot closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he pinched the bridge of his nose with his right hand. He walked over to her kitchen counter and set the dishes from his left arm down.

" _I thought you were in mourning…._ " He said in a low voice, bracing both hands on her counter and staring down at the dishes. " _I… I thought you were fucked up… that you'd… I needed to see if you were okay because I thought…_ "

She swallowed hard again and walked past the counter, further towards her living room. She felt guilty, like she'd cheated on him but she wasn't supposed to feel that way because she hadn't. They weren't a couple, they weren't together.

" _I have been in mourning…_ " She said in a small voice, not daring to look at him.

" _You've been here screwing some guy's brains out!_ " He yelled, looking up at her.

" _What I do is none of you damn business._ " She said as she tried to remain calm, turning around and cutting her eyes to him.

Elliot stood up straight and walked swiftly towards her.

" _Goddammit, Olivia!_ " He half yelled. " _I tried to be here! I wanted to be here, you wouldn't let me!_ " He said, rubbing his hands down his face. He was stressed out and heartbroken even though he had no right to be. She wasn't his.

Elliot paced back and forth in her living room, trying to take deep breaths. He was going out of his mind. She had another man in her bed. Right now. Probably naked. Someone else was doing to her what he wanted to, she'd let someone else in, trusted another person with things that she barely trusted him with, not to mention she'd actually let another man put himself inside her, but he didn't necessarily know that for sure, even though he assumed it.

" _You swore you didn't care… that you'd only be jealous as hell…_ " She tried to throw in his face, knowing it was a weak argument.

" _I take it back! I fucking take it back! I care!_ " Elliot nearly yelled at her. " _I care about you, I want to be with you but… but… Fuck, Oliva, if you don't want me anymore, then just fucking say it!_ "

" _Keep your voice down!_ " She hissed at him angrily, realizing that Trevor could probably hear most, if not everything that Elliot was saying.

Olivia exhaled and gazed around the room. She was trying to not let her heart break at the sadness she could hear in his voice and she needed to get Elliot out of her apartment. For the most part, she still felt like shit about everything that had happened and right now Trevor was helping distract her from that.

Elliot raised his eyebrows and let out a crazy laugh. He walked back and forth in front of her looking at the ground with his hands on his hips.

" _You telling me we know him?_ " Elliot asked, looking up.

Olivia rolled her eyes and huffed as she pinched the bridge of her nose with her right hand, shaking her head slightly at her situation and what she'd gotten herself into with her partner, the man that she had a love-hate relationship with.

Realization hit Elliot quickly causing his eyes to widen.

" _We work with him, huh? Well, you're just making your way through the whole goddamned department, aren't you?!_ " He threw his poisonous accusations at her, burning her with his words.

She didn't bother telling him to be quiet again. It would just spur him on to be louder on purpose.

" _I can't do this with you anymore!_ " Olivia yelled at him, giving up all hope of Trevor not cluing in about their off the books relationship.

" _Why?_ " Elliot asked frantically, he could feel her slipping from his grasp. " _What changed?_ " He asked, calming down slightly and refraining from yelling furthermore.

Olivia took a deep breath at tears flooded her eyes. She walked over to her couch and took a seat. This was it, she was going to talk to him about it and set them straight. Someone needed to before they crashed and burned.

Elliot may be her saving grace, but she wasn't his to save right now.

" _Kathy…_ " Olivia said in a small voice as she sat on the couch, propping her elbows on her knees and hiding her face in her hands as she huffed. Her tears flooded her face, there was nothing she could do about her emotions.

" _Hey…_ " Elliot said tenderly as he sat down beside her, putting his hand on her back.

" _No!_ " She said immediately, tensing and standing up. " _No more of this!_ " Olivia said loudly, looking at Elliot with wide eyes. She used the sleeves of her robe to wipe her face off.

Olivia walked to the other side of the room.

" _You have a wife and kids!_ " She said. " _I can't… we can't keep doing this to them!_ "

Elliot stood up as she paced back and forth behind the coffee table and used her right hand to thread through her hair.

" _She sat on my couch trying to console me, Elliot!_ " Olivia yelled at him. " _Little Eli told me he'd missed me, then he fell asleep in my fucking lap! I can't do this. I can't screw them over anymore!_ " She said in a panicked voice. " _I'm done… we're done._ " Olivia finished, then stared at him with wide eyes again as her chest heaved up and down from her outburst.

Elliot was quiet, which surprised her the most. He nodded his head as his eyes were beginning to redden and water.

" _I… I didn't know I was doing this to you, Liv…_ " He said in a soft voice. Then he walked over to her slowly and leaned down slightly to kiss her forehead. " _I would never intentionally tear you apart like this…_ " He said as he sniffled and took a deep breath to keep his tears from falling. God, he loved her so fucking much.

Olivia watched him as tears flowed down her face once more. He made his way to her door and she followed behind him. As Elliot put his hand on the door knob, he turned around to face her.

" _I also came over here to tell you Alex is leaving for the Congo again… our last victim had an illegal witness, the case really got to Cabot… I wasn't sure she'd tell you or that you'd care but I didn't want you to be thrown off if you randomly heard it at work…_ "

And with that he was out the door.

Olivia took a deep breath and locked the deadbolt behind him. She didn't want to even think about Alex right now. The blonde wasn't even on her radar. She wiped her face again and made her way back into her bedroom, almost certain that Trevor would have figured out a way to sneak out her bedroom window by now.

When she opened her bedroom door, he was sitting up in bed. The covers were pooled around his waist but she could see he'd gotten up and slipped his boxers on.

She walked over and sat down on her side of the bed. Olivia remained facing the bathroom door with her back to Trevor as she hung her head and lightly grasped the bed on each side of her.

" _Is there any way you can forget what you just heard?_ " She said in a small voice. Olivia had trusted him enough to let him into her bed but now she had a slight fear that he'd run and tell everyone about her sleeping with her partner.

Trevor swallowed hard.

" _I can't forget it, but I can promise you I'll keep it to myself…_ " He offered her. At least he was being honest.

She nodded, not knowing if he was even looking in her direction. Then with her robe on, she laid down on her left side, still refusing to face him.

" _Olivia, do you want me to go?_ " He asked. Trevor was unsure of what to do. He couldn't read her like Elliot could. He didn't know what she was thinking or feeling. This side of Olivia Benson was still very new to him just like this side of Trevor was very new to her.

She leaned back slightly and turned her head to look at him over her shoulder.

" _Can you stay for a bit?_ " Olivia asked hesitantly. She knew she sounded pathetic. A middle-aged woman begging a man to stay in her bed for a little while longer just so she wouldn't have to be alone after cutting things off with the married man that she'd been half-way seeing.

Trevor gave her a small smile.

" _I can stay the night if that's what you're aiming for…_ " He said. Olivia looked skeptical so he clarified his statement. " _I know what it's like to be lonely… we don't have to do anything else, I'm not expecting anything. I'm just saying… I haven't stayed in bed with a woman for a while. My hook-ups are usually quick and easy then out the door…_ " Trevor said as he glanced around the room because his face went a shade of red.

Olivia seemed to think it was cute though.

" _It's just nice to feel wanted sometimes…_ " Trevor tried to explain sheepishly.

Olivia let out a small laugh.

" _Well, tonight I do want you Trevor Langan…_ " She said in her bedroom voice.

The best way to get over a man was to get under another one, right?

Trevor raised his eyebrows, somehow her bluntness still surprised him. He bit his bottom lip as Olivia rolled over onto her back, giving him a jerk with her head, signaling that she wanted him to come to her.

As soon as he'd made it to her side of the bed, she put both arms around his neck and pulled him on top of her, straddling her.

Trevor laughed.

" _Why, Detective Benson… I think you're ready for round two…_ " He said as she half laughed and half kissed him on the mouth.

He leaned up and reached down and grabbed a hold of the belt on her rob, slowly tugging at it until it was undone. Then he pushed open the top of her robe, revealing her breasts. Trevor lightly began massaging them, one in each hand.

He smiled, watching the arousal in her eyes as he tweaked her nipples.

" _You're very beautiful, Olivia._ " Trevor told her with a small smile on his face.

" _God…. Mmmmhmmm… please don't brag to the guys back at your office that you got to bed Olivia Benson…_." She said, moaning in the middle of her sentence as she arched her back, pushing her chest further into his hands.

He leaned down, sucking on her neck.

" _I'd never do that to you…_ " He whispered in her ear, then continued his journey between her breasts and down her torso.

" _Trevorrr…_ " She purred as he scooted down, completely spreading her robe open now and kissing the top of her mound.

He slipped a finger between her folds and found her wet, too wet for the short amount of foreplay they'd had.

" _I… I'm…_ " Olivia lifted her head up, trying to explain herself.

" _It's okay…_ " Trevor looked up and told her. He knew Elliot had caused this wetness. He didn't know if it was the fight or just Elliot being near her in general but the wetness between her legs was definitely her partner's fault.

Trevor wasn't quite as skilled in the human body as Olivia was but he did know that this wasn't something that a person could control. He didn't want her to feel bad or ashamed for something that was completely out of her grasp.

Olivia bit her bottom lip out of nervousness as she stared down at the man between her legs, making eye contact to try and read him, to see what he was thinking.

" _Really, it's okay… no big deal._ " He assured her with a small smile and went back to work between her legs before she could say anything else.

He kissed her clit with butterfly kisses, causing a chill to run up her spin. She bent her knees, pulling her legs up and he slipped his arm under them and grabbed onto her thighs as he dug in.

It was so odd that Trevor Langan was doing this to her. Olivia would have never guessed in a million years that this man would have his head between her legs, pleasuring her.

" _Oh, Fuck Trevor!_ " She said as her hips raised off the bed suddenly when his tongue darted inside her.

It didn't take long before Olivia was falling over the edge. Instead of moaning and making a loud sound, this time she was quiet. There was a small gasp as it hit her, then her body tensed up, her legs shook, and she placed her right hand on top of Trevor's left hand, squeezing it tightly as she rode out her orgasm.

He knew she was done when she let go of his hand.

Trevor crawled up her body and maneuvered himself to lay on the bed at her right side. She turned over, throwing her right leg over his hip and laying beside him, kissing him. It didn't slip her notice that he wasn't hard.

After a few minutes of making out an Olivia slightly humping him from time to time, he stopped her.

" _Is it okay if we just lay together for a bit?_ " He asked shyly.

Olivia immediately removed her leg from his hip.

" _Of course…_ " She said, looking at him with concern, grabbing her rob and closing it, tying the belt to keep it shut.

He swallowed hard and glanced around the room.

" _Sometimes… it just take me a bit to recuperate after round one…_ " Trevor told her, slightly ashamed that it'd been a good couple of hours since round one actually happened.

" _Hey…_ " Olivia said as she lifted her left hand and placed it on his cheek. " _It's okay, it's fine…_ " She reassured him. And it was okay, that kind of thing started happening when people got to be their age. " _We've got all night…_ " She said with a small smile, trying to calm him.

He exhaled at the fact that she was trying to make light of the situation and hugged her, pressing her to his body. Trevor nuzzled his face between her shoulder and neck, planting a kiss there.

Olivia instinctively wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and held him tightly just because she felt like that was what he needed.

After a few minutes, he pulled back and laid beside her. They laid side-by-side on their backs.

" _Elliot said Alex was leaving for the Congo…_ " Olivia said then her eyes got wide and she sat up on her elbows, looking to Trevor. " _Shit, I didn't even ask if you were still with her or if you're single…_ " She said suddenly. He'd mentioned the last time they were together that they weren't really a thing but Olivia wasn't sure if he had been lying or not. Because of who he was, she'd kind of just assumed he was lying…

Trevor gave her a thin smile. " _I'm very single, Olivia._ " He said. Then looked at her thoughtfully. " _Even if I wanted to, I couldn't have stayed with her after what you'd told me._ "

Olivia scrunched her eyebrows together. " _But you didn't want to?_ "

Trevor shook his head.

" _She has… needs… that I'm sure you're aware of… I couldn't… I couldn't do that to her. I just… it's not who I am._ " Trevor said, looking slightly sad. Olivia knew he was referring to the kink that Alex liked to be choked during sex. To be honest, Olivia was surprised that the blonde had told Trevor her secret. Either the woman had really trusted him or she was getting desperate, which would have been bullshit because when she wasn't far off taking care of people in need, Olivia would have been at her beck and call.

Olivia nodded in understanding.

" _I know what you mean…_ " she replied and left it at that as her gaze settled on the ceiling.

Neither one really cared to talk about Alex Cabot's bed habits. That was a road that they were both regretting taking.

" _I knew she was leaving… she told me._ " Trevor said and Olivia drew her eyebrows together in confusion.

" _She didn't tell me…_ " She said.

" _You've had a lot going on… she might have not wanted to bother you…_ " Trevor suggested, shrugging his shoulders and looking at her.

Olivia's fingers played with the belt on her robe. " _Yeah._ " She replied. Maybe he was right. It would have seemed selfish if the woman had called or text Olivia just to tell her she was leaving the country again when she hadn't even initially send Olivia any condolences on the baby. But then again, Olivia knew funerals weren't Alex's thing. She didn't like death. Still, she wasn't sure whether or not to be mad at the blonde.

" _So… you and Stabler?_ " He asked, turning his head to the left to face her and bringing her out of her thoughts.

Olivia rolled her eyes.

" _Somehow I knew you wouldn't let it go…_ " She said.

He laughed.

" _All I said was that I wouldn't tell anyone._ " Trevor told her as he moved to lay on his left side, propping his head up to gaze down at her.

Olivia laughed too, even though it wasn't really real.

" _What happened?_ " He asked.

This was the first time anyone had actually asked her about Elliot and sounded genuinely concerned about her and what was going on. It made Olivia feel safe.

She shrugged.

" _We spent too much time together… he knows almost everything about me…_ " She said, looking at her ceiling instead of at Trevor who was looking down at her.

" _Spending a lot of time together usually doesn't make people randomly fall in love…_ " He said.

Now, Olivia did look at him.

" _I didn't say I was in love with him!_ " She denied quickly.

" _You didn't have to…_ " He replied, giving her a knowing look.

Olivia remained quiet. She didn't know what to say to the man in her bed, to the man who wasn't even supposed to be in her bed because they worked for different sides of the law.

" _He's married to this wonderful woman who he has five kids with and I'm the single bachelorette who has no kids, never been married, and is in my mid-forties…. Pathetic huh?_ " She said, trying to fake a laugh as her eyes watered.

" _You're a beautiful woman and any man would be stupid to not be with you, Olivia…_ " He told her honestly as he leaned down to kiss her lips.

As he drew back, Olivia narrowed her eyes at him.

" _Why are you single, Trevor?_ " She asked.

He smiled. " _Why are you still single, Olivia?_ " He copied her.

" _Because I'm damaged goods and according to you, I'm in love with a married man…_ " She said, unimpressed by his question, but Trevor was thrown off.

" _You're not damaged goods._ " He said quickly, needing her to understand that even if others saw her that way, that he certainly did not and never would.

" _I work all hours, I'm a sex crimes detective, my mother was a drunk and my father was a drunk slash rapist, making me the product of my mother's rape… oh yeah, and I was sexually assaulted and I have PTSD…_ " She said, as if she was trying to prove him wrong. " _Should I keep going?_ " Olivia asked, cocking an eyebrow.

But Trevor had a look on his face, it was a look of surprise and concern, like he'd just been given information that he didn't know.

" _Wow._ " Trevor said.

He leaned up, opting to sit in bed on his ass, crossing his legs but still facing her.

" _What?_ " Olivia asked immediately, sensing a change in their light bedroom atmosphere.

He pressed his lips together in a thin like and wrinkled his eye brows, looking at the bed.

" _Oh god…_ " She whispered more to herself than to him as she realized what she'd just done.

Trevor hadn't known she was a rape baby. He wasn't aware of her past or how she came into this world. Olivia had virtually just told him that he'd fucked someone who was born out of rape.

Olivia sat up now, she tried to be soothing.

" _I'm so sorry… I thought you knew… I thought word had gotten around a long, long time ago._ " She told him. Truth be told, the word had gotten around but that was before Trevor transferred to New York.

" _No, it's fine._ " He said, looking at her.

" _I should have told you before we slept together. Shit, I'm sorry. Some people are uncomfortable being intimate with me because of it and I took that right away from you, I'm sorry…_ " Olivia said, her eyes wide as if she was scared she had traumatized him.

" _If someone won't sleep with you because of how you came into this world, then they're fucking morons._ " He said strongly, looking at her. " _I feel no differently about you now than I did ten minutes ago… I'm just… I'm sorry you have to live with that._ "

Olivia felt a bit better at his words. So, she hadn't psyched him out, she'd just made him feel sorry for her, which was a lot better than a lot of the other possible outcomes so she was fine with it.

" _I've gotten used to it…_ " She told him confidently. A few cases still hit home for her every now and then but she understood what she was and where she came from. She didn't deny it and while she didn't tell it to everyone she met, she wasn't exactly ashamed of it either.

Trevor exhaled and laid back down beside her. Olivia turned on her right side, facing him. She figured she better change the conversation.

" _Did you take some time off work?_ " She asked. " _I haven't seen you around for a while…_ "

Trevor looked at her calmly.

" _That's because I stopped representing the scum of the Earth…_ " He said. " _Unless it's you… if you need representation again, I don't mind._ " He concluded, laughing. Olivia was shocked.

" _Wait, you're not an attorney anymore?_ " She asked, her eyebrows going up.

" _I am… I just switched to representing people that wouldn't keep me up at night, something that wouldn't weigh on my heart, that I could handle doing without having a mental breakdown…_ " He said honestly, maybe a little too honestly. This would explain his behavior earlier when he'd asked Olivia if he'd represented the man that sexually assaulted her.

" _I… I'm glad._ " She said. " _I know that was hard…_ " Olivia replied. She was relieved that he'd stopped representing people accused of sexual assault. That aspect had been bothering her and she'd been trying to overlook it while they were in her bed.

" _There were a few cases that really got to me. The last one was a man who was accused of sexually assaulted a child. I could tell he did it… I had to remove myself from the case._ " Trevor explained.

" _I bet your boss loved that…_ " She said sarcastically.

" _Yeah, he wasn't happy but he seemed to understand._ "

" _That's good._ " Olivia told him. " _I'm really glad you're not… who I thought you were…_ " She tried to say it nicely without insulting him. " _Who do you represent now?_ " Olivia asked.

Trevor shrugged.

" _People who've been accused of stealing money from their companies and charities, ponzi schemes, stuff like that…_ " He told her.

Olivia laughed. " _Ah, so different scums of the Earth…_ " She said.

He shrugged.

" _They're basically all guilty, most of the cases are open and shut because of the paper trails they leave. I just try to get them deals. It's so much easier then what I was doing._ "

" _I bet._ " She told him.

Then, taking a deep breath, she moved forward and wrapped her arms around his waist, cuddling into his chest, planting a kiss in the patch of hair as it tickled her face. She liked this side of Trevor. She also liked feeling safe and comfortable, like she did right now. It was taking her mind off of Elliot and the events of the past two weeks.

 **Okay it's kind of short but I've been working on it for two days. This was harder to write than I anticipated. Everything will work out, this is just one of the 'bumps'. I hope you like it. I tried to update fast because I realize I almost killed all the readers with that last cliff hanger…**


	16. Chapter 16

Jo Marlowe wasn't afraid to speak her mind and anyone who knew her, were clued in to this specific quirk about her. If she liked someone, they knew it. If she hated someone, they knew it.

She and Elliot had been bantering back and forth playfully for days now, ever since she was assigned to SVU to take Alex Cabot's place.

Two female children were burned to death, now they had to investigate and Olivia was left to get use to the new ADA because as she'd discovered, Elliot's old partner stories about Jo were not about a male partner but female partner.

All these years Olivia had assumed Jo was a man and never once had she questioned Elliot. And not once had he mentioned his former partner was a woman.

Their latest suspect was "Pizza Face" who liked fire way too much.

" _You're double dipping into the motive pool…_ " Jo told the two detectives as she crossed her arms in front of her body and leaned up against the desk.

Elliot smiled.

" _I told you she'd say that._ " He said as he looked to Olivia, then turned around and clicked on the screen to show their new ADA more evidence.

They'd had police video the crowd at the crime scene because as everyone knows, arsonists like to watch their handy work. And there was Pizza Face in the crowd.

" _He's got his eyes closed._ " Jo said.

Olivia looked to the blonde.

" _He's ah… having a private moment…_ " Olivia told her, insinuating that he was masturbating to the fire.

" _He's getting off._ " Elliot stated bluntly looking at Jo. A little too bluntly for Olivia's taste.

" _I light a few candles when I want to get in the mood… I don't set my house on fire._ " Jo replied, more so to Elliot than Olivia.

Elliot smiled again. " _A pyrophiliac does though… I'd bet my paycheck on it._ " He replied.

Olivia looked at him like he was crazy.

Jo smiled.

" _You can't afford to lose…_ " She challenged.

" _Then I won't._ " He accepted.

Olivia felt physically ill watched the two banter back and forth. Lucky for her, Elliot headed to the interview room where Pizza Face was. He was intent on winning his bed.

Jo and Olivia followed to the double-sided mirror to watch.

Within twenty minutes, Elliot had his confession by stuffing paper in the garbage can and lighting it on fire, piece by piece in front of Pizza Face.

Jo watched his every move, recalling what she'd taught him when she'd trained him, and Olivia watched Jo's every move.

As soon as they heard the confession Olivia turned to Jo.

" _There goes your paycheck…_ " The brunette said, looking to their ADA.

" _That's not all it's going to cost me…_ " She replied as she began to walk away.

Olivia spun around and cocked an eyebrow, demanding to know what Jo was talking about.

Jo rolled her eyes.

" _I can hear them now. 'You're honor, Detective Stabler sexually aroused my client to elicit a confession out of him. He was raped at SVU.' And that's the last thing I need…_ " The older woman stated.

Olivia stalked after the other woman, readying herself to defend Elliot.

" _We have him on video and he molested Kienzie._ " She said.

" _Yes._ " Jo agreed, since they'd already gotten a confession from two others who knew about the molestation. " _He did but those charges died with her. There's nothing I can do about it now that she's passed._ "

Jo stated she was going to re-interview the father to see if he remembered anything or saw anything. But Olivia had already interviewed him the previous night, he'd said he hadn't heard or seen anything and Olivia voiced that to Jo.

" _You think I don't trust your interview skills?_ " The ADA questioned even though it was more so a statement. She could tell Olivia was hesitant about her, but that was to be expected with any new ADA that the unit got.

" _I think you have a much more hands-on approach than most ADA's…_ " Olivia responded. What Jo said was true, but Olivia didn't care to admit it at the moment.

" _Cut it out, Olivia._ " Jo said with an eye roll, ready to walk away.

" _Just because you were a cop doesn't mean you're on our side…_ " Olivia stated, keeping her guard up and doing her best to protect her partner.

Jo took a deep breath and stepped into Olivia's personal space.

" _I wasn't just a cop, I was Elliot's partner._ " She said, looking Olivia straight in the eyes. " _And I wouldn't betray him any more than you would._ " Jo finished, grabbing her coat and beginning to put it on.

Olivia narrowed her eyes and stepped closer to Jo as the woman put her arm in the sleeve of her jacket. " _You transferred here to work with him again…_ " She stated slowly, as if she'd just begun piecing the information together. But Jo just shrugged Olivia's accusation off.

" _Jack McCoy needed to replace Alex Cabot and I was drafted, it was a happy accident._ " She replied, slipping her other arm into her jacket and shrugging it over her shoulders.

Olivia nodded while staring down at the papers she'd picked up just moments before. She wasn't going to argue with the older woman but she could see right through the blonde as if she were transparent.

" _And speaking of Elliot…_ " Jo said with a flirtier tone, making Olivia look up to see the woman with a inquiring facial expression. " _You and he ever… fuck?_ " The words rolled off of Jo's tongue so easily that Olivia was slightly taken aback, and she was usually so good at reading people.

" _No._ " Olivia said strongly, perhaps not as strongly as she had when Dickie had asked the question but it was still firm and she was going to stand by her answer no matter how big of a lie it was. " _He's married._ " She said, giving her reasoning, knowing Jo had probably picked up on she and Elliot's chemistry.

Jo smiled and gave Olivia a nod as she walked out of the precinct.

After she was gone, Olivia swallowed hard and excused herself to the lady's room where she was once again grateful that she was one of the few females that worked here, making it almost certain that she wouldn't run into anyone else and would have time to collect herself.

…

" _You volunteer us for this?_ " Elliot asked, looking over at Olivia as they sat in the dark car.

She snorted.

" _Come on… you know me better than that._ " She replied with a small smile.

Elliot huffed. It must have been Cragen that sent the orders then.

" _What's wrong with Munch and Fin anyways?_ " He asked, looking to her.

Olivia shrugged as she gazed out the window, keeping an eye on the house they were supposed to be staking out to see if their co-workers' suspect was going to make a move.

" _Something about not making it back from Boston in time… I don't know…_ " She said as she yawned.

" _What held them up? Why the hell did they go to Boston in the first place?_ " Elliot asked.

Olivia shrugged again.

" _Don't know that either… haven't heard a lot of details on their case…_ " She said as she maneuvered her elbow to rest on the passenger door so she could put her hand under her chin to prop up her head.

Elliot nodded even though she wasn't looking at him. He was tired and ready to go home but now they were stuck on this stake out.

He took a deep breath and reached down for his coffee, grabbing the cup and tilting it up to take a sip from the small opening in the brown, plastic lid, Elliot ended up choking and almost spitting it out all over the car.

Olivia turned to him quickly with wide eyes, curious and worried about what had happened.

Elliot swallowed unwillingly and made a disgusted face, sitting the cup back down.

" _You're back on your tea kick?_ " He asked as he reached beside him for a napkin and blotted his chin.

She smiled when she realized he'd picked up her drink by mistake.

" _Yeah… I go back and forth between tea and coffee… just depends on my mood at the time, I guess._ " Olivia replied, picking up her cup and inspecting it, making sure he hadn't damaged it.

Elliot picked up his coffee this time and took a big, long sip, trying to erase the taste of Olivia's herbal tea that did not in his opinion taste anything like tea.

Olivia watched him as he sat his coffee back down.

" _So…_ " He said as he ducked his head to get a better look at the house they were watching and not seeing anything happening. " _What do you think about Jo?_ " Elliot asked her.

She kept her eyes trained on the building outside of her window.

" _She's alright._ " Olivia responded.

Elliot's ears perked up. Olivia's voice tone and lack of eye contact spoke volumes to him. It was clear that his partner did not thing Jo Marlowe was okay.

" _Liv…_ " He started, wondering what was on her mind and what had caused this reaction of their new ADA.

Olivia huffed and leaned back in her seat, away from the window.

" _She wants to fuck you._ " She told him in a small voice, gazing through the glass of the windshield.

Elliot's eye brows shot up in surprise as a small smile graced his face. He turned his head towards Olivia once again.

" _That make you jealous?_ " He asked, causing Olivia to turn her head towards him quickly with a puzzled look on her face.

" _You knew…_ " She whispered, as she slowly came to the realization that Elliot knew Jo's intentions already. " _Wow… okay. Well, do what you want. Just thought I would give you a heads up…_ " Olivia told him, shrugging off his question as she turned to look out her window again.

They'd been doing so good. It'd been four months since she'd completely broken things off with him and stopped them from being intimate.

Four long months.

Their friendship took some damage at first, it took them some time to fall back into just being Benson and Stabler. She never told him it had been Trevor that night in her room and he never asked. It was like they had an unspoken rule about certain topics now that were off the table to discuss.

There'd been moments where the rule hadn't applied in the past four months because of something happening in a case or a personal conflict but neither one had resorted to their old ways to being intimate. At least not yet.

Olivia didn't necessarily like it.

Elliot sure as hell didn't like it but it's what they had to do to.

They both were hurting, missing each other, needing comfort but that was only allowed to a certain extent now. They were keeping each other at a distance.

But Olivia was crossing into dangerous territory with her comment, and since she opened the door, Elliot was going to try and walk through it.

" _Liv…_ " He said, casting his eyes on the side of her face that he could barely see since she'd turned herself so much into the passenger door. " _She's wanted me for years… even when we were partners she made that much clear…_ "

" _I don't care what you do with her or what you've done with her… just… keep it to yourself…_ " Olivia said. Her voice was cold and so were her facial features, the ones that he could make out.

" _Hey…_ " He said gently.

Her left hand was resting on her left thigh and Elliot reached for it. As soon as his fingers grazed the top of her hand, she jerked her arm away quickly and turned her head to glare at him, shooting daggers with her eyes.

This wasn't allowed. They didn't touch for intimacy or comfort anymore.

Elliot huffed and rolled his eyes, getting annoyed at her response. She was blowing things out of proportion, acting like he was trying to fuck her in their squad car or something when he really just wanted to connect with her before he spoke.

As he drew his own hand back in his lap, he spoke anyways.

" _I've NEVER done anything with Jo Marlowe and I never will._ " Elliot told her, putting extra emphasis on the word 'never'. " _It's a never-ending cat and mouse game, that's all._ "

It was all Olivia could do not to roll her eyes.

In order to keep up her stance, to keep herself closed off and away from him, she had to dislike him, she had to find things to turn her off from him, even if they weren't realistic. Olivia knew deep down he would have never done anything with Jo and that they'd reached the level of friendship long ago where if he had had an affair with his previous partner, he would have confessed it by now.

She scoffed at him and turned her head back towards the window.

Her actions angered Elliot, making him reach out and grab her hand even though he knew this was off limits now.

Olivia struggled, she tried to yank it back but he was prepared this time. He had a firm hold of her.

" _Look at me._ " He said forcefully.

She swallowed hard and finally stopped struggling to look up at Elliot. His eyes were shining bright in the moonlight.

" _I've never been intimate with anyone other than you and Kathy._ " He told her truthfully. She could hear the sincere-ness in his voice.

Olivia struggled with what to say to him and what to do, so she remained quiet and gazed at him.

" _Okay?_ " He asked, seeking her belief and approval of him and his choices, of what he was telling her or rather confessing to her.

She took a deep breath and glanced around before looking at him again.

" _Okay._ " Olivia replied in a small voice. It was a voice that conveyed a feeling of 'I hear you and I believe you, but I don't want to discuss it'.

Elliot nodded as relief flooded his face.

" _Can I have my hand back now?_ " She asked calmly and raised her eye brows for dramatic effect.

He'd forgotten he'd been holding her hand and released it immediately.

Silence engulfed them again and they stared at the home where the suspect was supposed to be sleeping. Olivia began to think about the last time he'd touched her. He'd only done so a couple of times over the past four months and she hadn't fussed too much or rejected him because it had been a dangerous situation.

…

 **FLASHBACK**

They'd been working a case where a young girl was trying to uncover and expose a multimillion-dollar meatpacking industry for not going by the law and keeping a clean house, in turn making people very sick.

She'd been found out, sexually assaulted, then killed.

After trying for a few days to get a break in the case, Cragen decided he wanted Olivia to go undercover as a cleaning lady. The company only accepted possible illegals and she had dark hair and olive skin, it'd be easy enough to pass her off as someone of a foreign ethnicity, so that's what they did.

Of course, Cragen was never clued in on what happened at Sealview so he didn't understand Elliot's hesitancy to send Olivia in, and sent her anyways.

After a couple hours of practicing her Russian accent, she, Elliot, and Cragen put together her undercover profile. Then the next day, she started the new job.

It wasn't difficult, she looked the part of all the cleaning ladies at the meat packing plan. Olive skin, dark hair, and her Russian accent was spot on. She was hit on by one of the workers instantly who told her to call him 'Kiki'.

Then she asked another cleaning lady some questions and was warned not to do so. The other woman was able to tell Olivia about another young woman who asked too many questions, got caught snooping, and went missing.

Elliot was in her ear on the tiny device listening to every word. He was parked outside in an undercover van with a police unit waiting around in case his partner needed back up.

Olivia had spotted roaches, uncleanliness, flies, and maggots. She was truly disgusted herself and the sight made her seriously consider being a vegan or vegetarian.

" _I'm gonna go up to the office and snoop around…_ " She told Elliot silently in the microphone attached to her body. Then continued up the stairs to the main office and put down her bucket and cleaning supplies just so it'd look like she was actually cleaning in case someone came in.

She searched through desk drawers and filing cabinets, under chairs and behind the end tables but nothing. The pictures of what looked like immediate family members caught her eyes. She walked over and behind one of the photos was a tape, but as soon as she picked it up, the owner of the office walked in.

" _What the hell are you doing in here?_ " He asked, clearly angry.

Elliot listened intently in the van.

" _I was just cleaning…_ " Olivia said in her Russian accent.

" _That's funny…_ " the man said. " _Looks like snooping to me._ " And then a sound of skin hitting skin could be heard through the mic.

Elliot couldn't tell if she'd been slapped or hit with a closed fist but he immediately jumped out of his seat and dashed out the back of the white van. Sprinting across the street to the building, he signaled for the police team to follow him in.

Upon arriving upstairs in the office, he saw that the man had Olivia by the waist. She looked panicked and was doing everything in her power to keep him from throwing her to the ground where no doubt, he had every intent of doing what he'd done to their victim.

" _Get the fuck off of her!_ " Elliot yelled at the man as he grabbed him and pulled him off Olivia, throwing him into the filing cabinets that were lined up.

The tape was crumbled up on the floor, broken by the altercation that had taken place.

Olivia made a b-line for the door and Elliot announced himself as an NYPD Detective and made the arrest, then handed him off to the officers that had followed him in. When he went to look for Olivia, she'd already fled the scene.

…

Elliot drove like crazy to the precinct, hoping that's where she'd gone. She would've had to taken a cab though because he'd driven her to the scene in the white van.

He parked the van out front and walked swiftly inside.

As soon as he exited the elevators, he quickly walked into the squad room and saw Munch and Fin.

" _Seen Liv?_ " Elliot asked cautiously, not wishing to alert them that anything was wrong.

" _Yeah, she came in a few minutes ago and headed to the lockers… probably changing out of that god-awful attire…._ " Much responded, noting Olivia's undercover outfit for being a cleaning lady wasn't exactly flattering or what anyone would ever want to wear.

Elliot nodded and put the keys for the van on Munch's desk.

" _They'll be here for the van soon. Here's the keys, it's parked out front._ "

Munch nodded as Elliot swiftly made his way towards. Fin's eyes closely followed Elliot's but he made no move to follow him.

Fin had been clued in by Olivia. She'd told him she'd broken things off with Elliot, probably more so for herself, hoping he'd keep her on the straight and narrow.

Elliot on the other hand, had figured out Fin knew something was up. He wasn't sure how much about his relationship with Olivia that the other detective knew, but he could tell she'd confided in their mutual friend and co-worker to some extent.

Fin would shoot Elliot glances if he'd say something a certain way or breech a certain topic.

It was enough to make Elliot's detective senses tingle, which had been exactly what Fin wanted. Fin had been aiming for his distant friend to know and realize he was now in the loop and he'd do whatever it took to have Olivia's back. Stabler had never been overly close to Fin, mostly causal and friendly but he knew Olivia was closer, that they held a special bond, especially after what happened at Sealview.

Elliot walked through the doors of the locker room and headed to the right, down the row of lockers and was instantly met with a shirtless Olivia clad in only a black bra and jeans. She startled at first, but upon realizing it was Elliot, she relaxed and continued to shrug her shirt over her shoulders so she could began buttoning the front.

He turned around quickly and muttered a " _Sorry_ " towards her, apologizing for walking in on her when she wasn't decent but then again, she knew the risks of changing here and not in the bathroom.

After a few seconds of hearing clothing move and buttons snap, she spoke.

" _You can turn around now._ " Olivia said softly.

He did so and saw her adjusting the collar of her shirt. It was clear her nose had been bleeding and she'd tried to stop it, which she had been successful but she hadn't gotten off all the dried blood from her face.

Elliot huffed and walked towards her.

She watched him closely, praying he wasn't going to make a move on her, not now. Because right now, she'd give in. If he was about to kiss her, she'd let him. She'd do just about anything to get the feeling of that grubby man's hands off of her.

Instead, Elliot walked straight past her to the sinks in the next room.

Her eye brows knitted in confusion as she followed him curiously. He grabbed a paper towel from the rack on the wall and wet it briefly before ringing it out. Then he turned to Olivia, who was now standing behind him and Elliot began to dab at her nose with the paper towel.

She winced and pulled back slightly.

" _I don't think it's broken but he got ya good._ " He said as he tenderly wiped under her nose and around the right side of her face.

" _It's not broken._ " Olivia confirmed as she winced again, deciding to just let him do his work. " _I've had a broken nose before…. This isn't broken._ "

He held her chin with his left hand as he continued to wipe the bridge of her nose that was now swelling. It's not that it had blood on it, but he wanted to feel the swelling just to be sure and he knew the cool, damp paper towel would ease her pain when he touched her.

" _You need to put some ice on it… and it'll probably bruise._ " He told her as he glanced at the paper towel in his hand, mixed with her bronze make up and blood, before chunking it in the trash can to his left.

Olivia walked to his right, getting closer to the mirror to get a better look at her face. She hadn't truly inspected it quite yet. She'd just made sure to stop the bleeding and had wanted to get out of her horrible clothes first.

" _I'll be fine…_ " She said dismissively as she turned on the sink below her and began washing her dried blood off her hands.

" _I know._ " Elliot said with a small smile and nod of his head. He'd leaned his ass against the porcelain sink and crossed his arms over his chest as he watched her to his right.

Her hands were shaking. He'd noticed it from the moment he'd turned around and watched her fix the collar of her shirt.

Elliot swallowed hard and took a small breath.

" _Did you flash back?_ " He asked in a small voice.

" _Almost…_ " She replied instantly, voice and tone matching his. At least she was being honest.

He used his right hand to rub his stubble that's he'd been growing from the previous day.

" _I was coming in, Liv._ " He said calmly.

Olivia turned the water off and stepped around him to his left, grabbing some paper towels from the wall to dry her hands with.

" _I know…_ " She whispered as her eyes began to water so she tried to busy herself with drying her hands off.

She walked over and threw the paper towels away and stared at the floor for a moment. Elliot reached over and gently grabbed her wrist, causing her to look at him.

" _C'mere?_ " He asked gently, giving her wrist a small tug. He knew this wasn't allowed. She'd implied a new set of rules, ones that included no physical contact unless absolutely necessary, no comforting, or anything intimate.

Olivia surprised them both by relenting and walking into his arms. She loosely let her hands rest on his lower back as his arms wrapped around her shoulders. Her chin rested on his right shoulder.

" _I don't think I want to do anymore undercover operations._ " She whispered, looking down at the sink that Elliot's ass was perched on.

" _You're not going to._ " He promised her, causing Olivia to jerk back quickly.

Her eyes narrowed and she went from vulnerable to angry rather quickly.

" _I'd kill you if you rat me out._ " She said angrily, her nostrils flaring despite being sore and swollen.

Elliot gave her a small smile.

" _You aren't going to kill me anymore than I'm gonna rat you out._ " He told her and then tugged her back to his chest. She took a deep breath as her chin resumed its spot on her partner's shoulder. " _We'll find a way around it… I won't let you go back undercover, at least not like that… not when it puts you in a similar position as Sealview._ " Her assault was just that, hers. It was her story to tell and her choice who she told. He'd never take that away from her and rat her out to Cragen unless it were dire circumstances.

Her body shivered at the mention of the correctional facility where she was sexually assaulted, causing Elliot's arms to tighten around her.

" _Liv, I woulda…_ " Elliot huffed as he held her close and felt her grip his lower back more. " _I would have never let him… Jesus, I've never run so fast in my life._ " He felt her body shake slightly and he knew she must be crying as she listened to him.

" _I know…_ " Came her throaty whisper.

" _I… if by god, some off the wall way he had… he'd…_ " Elliot sucked in a breath. " _I would have shot him… on sight. He'd be dead, I swear to you._ "

Olivia slowly leaned back and brought her arms up, hooking her hands behind his neck. Elliot let his arms fall away from her as he gripped the sink he was leaning on. His eyes were now watery.

Tears made their way down Olivia's face, showcasing just how scared she had been and how re-traumatizing it'd been for her to almost flashback.

" _Elliot…_ " She started as she took a deep breath and looked around the room, also glancing at the lockers through the door frame. " _If I'm ever… if something happens and I get ra-_ " Olivia shut her mouth quickly, not wanting to actually say the word. " _I'll kill him… I don't care if it's not in self-defense or if it's murder, I'll…_ "

In the back of her mind, she corrected herself. She should have said she'd kill him or her because women could be rapists too but she was too caught up in the moment to correct her mistake.

She stared at Elliot and their eyes locked.

" _Not if I get to him first._ " Elliot replied, his words even and chilling to the bone, willingly admitting that if his partner was ever raped, he'd commit murder for her in a heartbeat. His grip on the sing tightened.

A pitiful smile graced her face through her tears as she gave him a sad look. Even if she wouldn't want her attacker to be killed, she would have no choice in the matter, Elliot would go after him. It's partially why she didn't tell Elliot about Lowell Harris. He'd have beaten the man to a pulp. Elliot had connections. Prison or no prison, her partner would have found a way to come face-to-face with the corrections officer. She was lucky Elliot hadn't been fueled to do so when she'd told him the few bits and pieces of what had happened to her.

" _El…_ " She whispered as her face contorted, her tears fell faster at the omission she was about to make. " _I… I wouldn't want to live either…_ " Olivia cried.

He sucked in a deep breath and pulled her close, burying her face in his shoulder as her hot tears took refuge in the clothing of his shirt.

" _I never want to be my mother…_ " She whimpered into his chest as she began truly crying now.

Elliot's arms held her close. His tears fell now too.

" _I'll never let you be Serena._ " He reminded her. " _And I'll never let you… I'll never let you commit…_ " He couldn't say the words. It hurt him too much, it hurt his heart too much to know that the woman in his arms would contemplate taking her own life if she were ever raped. " _I won't let you… I just won't._ " Elliot promised her.

His right hand rubbed up and down her back and his left hand cradled the back of her head until her tears and sniffles finally slowed a few minutes later.

Olivia finally pulled back and Elliot released her, using the back of his hands to wipe the tears from his face. She grabbed a paper towel and attempted to fix her make-up.

Taking a deep breath, Olivia moved away from the mirror she'd been perched at and threw the paper towel away.

" _I've gotta go give my statement…_ " She said, wiping her eyes again. " _Cragen is gonna know I've been crying…_ "

Elliot shook his head. " _Explain you got punched in the nose, it's an automatic reflex for your eyes to water, it's still quite swollen, he should be able to tell._ "

He was right, so that's what she would do.

And with that, she left.

…

 **PRESENT DAY**

It still gave her chills to remember she'd admitted to Elliot the thoughts about suicide. It wasn't something she actively thought about, but something she knew would enter her head if she was ever, in fact, raped.

Maybe she'd told Elliot because unconsciously, she'd been trying to let him know that she'd need saving, that she wouldn't actually want to commit suicide but she'd be at risk for suicidal ideation. She wasn't sure but she was almost embarrassed by her omission.

" _How are the twins?_ " She decided to ask, changing the subject and stopping the awkward silence, but she didn't exactly know what she was stepping into.

Elliot took a deep breath.

" _Dickie, excuse me… Richard… turns eighteen in about a month…_ " He said, huffing.

" _Oh…_ " Olivia replied, her eyebrows shooting up. That was fast. She still wasn't sure why he was focusing on Dickie and not Elizabeth… they had the same birthday after all.

He knew Olivia wasn't connecting the dots so he filled in the blanks for her.

" _He's still set on pursuing the army…_ " Elliot said grimly, taking a page out of Olivia's book and staring out his own window.

" _El…_ " She said sadly. " _But… you gotta be proud of that… at least a little?_ " She asked gingerly.

Elliot bit his bottom lip and huffed, deciding to look at her, he turned his head to the right.

" _I didn't want that life for him._ " He said. " _He's only doing it 'cause he's mad at me… he wants to get as far away from me as possible. He still hates me._ "

Olivia stared at him intently. She didn't know what to say but she wished she did. Her partner was hurting, a kind of hurt that she had never felt and would never experience. She'd never be able to get into yelling matches with her teenage daughter and hear the words "I hate you" yelled at her across her home upon hearing a bedroom door slammed. Although, Olivia was almost certain that wasn't how she and her child would act with each other. She doubted the kids acted like that with Kathy either.

" _Well…_ " Olivia said. " _At least you have Eli, so you have a do-over son?_ " She said, giving him a small smile as the moonlight made her eyes shine.

" _That's not funny…_ " He said, but he ducked his head because the corners of his lips were turning up.

She snorted at her own joke.

" _I love Richard, I really do but he's been a handful, more so than Kathleen was._ " Olivia explained.

" _Kathleen was sick._ " Elliot said, his eyes darting to Olivia's. She'd known Kathleen was bipolar when Elliot had found out. It's when she'd also learned about his mother.

" _I know, El._ " She said tenderly. " _This might be good for Richard. He needs… stability and discipline, from someone he'll listen to and take orders from._ " Olivia told him. Elliot looked at her intently. " _I'm sorry but… he stopped seeing you as an authority figure a couple years ago…_ " She gave him a sympathetic look.

" _It's my fault._ "

" _It's no one's fault._ " Olivia said. " _Some kids just don't turn out how you want them to and all of your children are so different. Even little Eli._ "

Elliot huffed and reached down, this time making sure to grab his coffee and not her god-awful tea. After taking a few swallows, he returned the coffee to its cup holder.

" _You know, he keeps asking when 'Livia' is coming to visit him…_ " Elliot replied, giving her a knowing look.

She shook her head.

" _I've only seen him seven or eight times since he was born… he shouldn't know me or remember me that well…_ " She said, scratching her head and huffing.

Olivia almost hated how much the boy seemed to love her. He'd be three in a few months and she was certain she'd be expected at this birthday party, especially since she'd missed the last one.

" _If you don't wanna see him, it's okay, you know?_ " Elliot told her. The words stung coming from his mouth but it was the truth. If she wanted no part of Eli's life, then he wouldn't force her to be there for his son. She'd just expected she'd step into that role naturally since she had done so with his other children. Well, minus Dickie.

" _It's not that I don't want to… it just… Elliot, it hurts sometimes._ " Olivia's brutal honesty came flying out of her mouth before she could stop it. They were entering dangerous territories again but he didn't seem phased.

" _Because of me?_ " He asked, looking a little hurt.

" _Well… kind of._ " She said honestly. " _And… because I don't have any kids of my own… it's sometimes hard to watch other families grow and thrive when I don't have one, you know?_ " She replied, hoping he wasn't hurt by her answer. It was honest and open.

Elliot nodded. He understood. He wanted to correct her and tell her that she was family to him but he refrained from doing so.

Olivia never knew what it would have looked like to see him play with their daughter. She didn't know what they would have named her or if she would have been a tomboy or girly girl. She didn't know if her daughter would have gotten along with all her half siblings or how the situation would have worked out. Olivia's eyes almost watered just thinking about it.

" _I won't shut him out though._ " She said boldly, looking back up at Elliot. " _I… I love your son very much, El._ " Olivia stated. " _And I won't shut him out or abandon him just because I can't get my shit together. I will never let a child suffer because of my mistakes._ "

Her eyes were shining bright now, brighter than before and they were locked onto Elliot's eyes intensely.

He swallowed hard, wondering if he was one of her mistakes.

 **As some of y'all know, I live in the Southern United States and we were just hit by two hurricanes back-to-back, and it looks like a third one is coming. Luckily, my home is okay. I have some family that took some damage but it wasn't too bad. So, things have been busy.**

 **Thank you for keeping up with this story and for the reviews. I really thrive on review and suggestions. I'm working on updating "Aftermath" But it might still be a while.**


	17. Chapter 17

**I'm so sorry. I haven't forgotten about this story I promise. I am still working on Aftermath also, that one is much easier to write but I haven't had time lately. I don't think this was an awesome chapter but it'll have to do for now. Thank you for still reading.**

" _Go home, Liv._ " Melinda mumbled as she slowly moved in her hospital bed, readjusting her body into a more comfortable position.

" _You're awake…_ " Olivia observed, sitting up from her hospital chair in the pair of blue scrubs that had been given to her.

The medical examiner smiled at Olivia.

" _I'm awake, not dead. What are you doing here?_ " She asked, then began coughing slightly, causing Olivia to get up and fetch the picture of water that had been left by the nurse.

" _Here._ " The detective said, as she held the straw close to Melinda's mouth. The other woman winced as she sat up slightly to drink the water that was being offered to her. After a few swallows, she laid back down and cleared her throat.

Looking at Olivia, it was evident that she'd been crying within the past hour.

" _You look like hell._ " Melinda commented, casting Olivia a glance.

The detective tilted her head sideways and rubbed at her eyebrow but gave Melinda a small smile.

" _Thanks…_ " Olivia said. She knew what she looked like, today had been hell.

The medical examiner cleared her throat again.

" _What time is it?_ " She asked.

Olivia mashed the button on the side of her phone to make the screen light up so she could see the time.

" _Just after seven at night._ "

Melina huffed and slightly rolled her eyes.

" _You've been here for a few hours. I'm fine. Go home, Liv._ " She told the other woman gingerly.

Olivia was leaned up with her elbows resting on her knees so she could look at her friend better. She'd been worried sick when the shooting had happened and she'd even been treated for shock as she came into the hospital with Melinda, choosing to keep her company in the back of the ambulance.

" _You scared me…_ " Olivia whispered as she leaned forward to place her hand on top of Melinda's and gave it a little squeeze. " _Your daughter is flying in…_ "

The woman shook her head lightly.

" _She didn't have to come._ " Melinda commented, then took a deep ragged breath. Olivia could tell it was painful. Her lung had been punctured after all. The entire day seemed like a blur to Olivia.

It all started when eight-year-old Nicholas was kidnapped. The boy ended up being in his father's custody and his mother had a history of overstepping her bounds. The mother blamed the father for not keeping an eye on their son when he was taken.

The police ended up in a high speed chase with the boy and his kidnapper, which led to a car accident where both died.

Then the mother, Sophie, had a psychotic break. It was nothing Olivia hadn't seen before. Even Melinda had seen psychotic episodes when she did her internships at medical hospitals before she worked full time with the dead.

Jo Marlowe convinced Olivia that it was a good idea to take Sophie to see her dead child in the morgue in an effort to snap her out of her episode of thinking her son was still alive and at school. Truth be told, it hadn't taken much to convince Olivia, she'd thought it was a good idea. She may not like Jo, but she had agreed quickly.

Four cases and a couple of months had passed since the first case she'd worked with Elliot's old partner. The woman wasn't growing on Olivia at all and it's all she could do to stand her and Elliot's banter back and forth without punching one of them in the gut but it was her job so she dealt with it best she could.

That afternoon had taken a turn for the worst though. Paul, Nicholas' father had showed up at the morgue as well, causing Sophie to become violent. She stole a gun from the rookie officer that had escorted them down, and in an effort to shoot Paul, Sophie ended up shooting Melinda by accident.

Olivia was horror stricken.

The medical examiner had dropped to the ground as blood poured out of her. She told Olivia what to get, how to stop the bleeding, and initially how to save her life.

At first, the detective had panicked but eventually, she did as she was told because it became increasingly obvious that if she didn't, her friend was about to die in her arms…

" _I'm going to be fine, Liv._ " Melinda told her again, bringing her out of her thoughts. The woman turned her hand over so she could hold Olivia's giving it a light squeeze.

" _Yeah… I know…_ " Olivia whispered, while giving her a small smile.

" _Where's Elliot?_ " The medical examiner asked, trying to change the subject on Olivia's behalf.

Olivia shrugged, pulling her hand away from Melinda's and running it through her hair.

" _He can't still be at the scene… did he get treated for shock?_ " Melinda asked, knowing Elliot had come into the situation at the last minute. Even though they're all trained, sometimes you can't help how the body reacts and responds to certain situations.

" _I don't know._ " Olivia replied. " _Jo was pretty shaken up… I can imagine she blames herself… Last I saw, she was wrapped around Elliot and he was helping her outside…_ "

Melinda gave her a look.

" _I don't know if I've ever seen you jealous before…_ " Melinda replied, and Olivia let out a small laugh.

" _I'm not jealous._ " She denied, still smiling and shrugging the accusation off.

Melinda raised her eyebrows. " _You sure?_ " She asked.

" _I'm just… weary of Jo and her… intentions…_ " Olivia replied, knowing she could confide in Melinda, who was the best-known secret keeper around.

Olivia almost wanted Elliot to sleep with Jo. The woman had been through hell today anyways, she'd be wanting it. Olivia could see they both had chemistry from the way they bantered and played around at the office. Maybe if he finally fucked someone else, then she could get over him, she could tell herself that it was just a fling, a stupid fling with a married man that meant nothing.

Melina gave her a confused look.

" _You really think she'd try something with Elliot?_ " The medical examiner asked. " _She's been his partner before… she knows he's married._ " She tried to rationalize to Olivia.

" _I know…_ " Olivia replied as she sat back in her chair and used her left hand to scratch the back of her head.

" _Even if she did try… El's not like that. You know that Olivia._ " Melinda said, and then winced slightly as she tried to maneuver herself to get more comfortable again.

It didn't go unaware to her that they'd not given her a lot of pain meds. She knew she was forming full sentences and wasn't as drowsy as she should have been. Maybe it was her age or because of the extent of damage to her lung, she wasn't sure but she was going to ask the doctor when she saw him.

Olivia remained quiet after Melinda's comment, and that didn't go unnoticed either.

The detective looked everywhere but at Melinda, who tried to make eye contact and quickly realized she'd accidentally stepped into territory that she hadn't intended to.

" _Olivia…_ " She said quietly. " _I didn't mean to step on your toes…_ " She phrased metaphorically, giving the other woman a concerned look.

Now the other woman did make eye contact, and there was a new look in her eyes. It was a look of emotion and maybe a hint of rage or fear.

" _What makes you think you did?_ " The detective asked quickly, eyebrows shooting up.

Melinda swallowed. She was always wise beyond her years, they both knew it. The examiner had realized she'd stumbled upon a personal endeavor that included both Olivia and Elliot, most likely in an intimate way that suggested Olivia really did know how Elliot was which was why she was so worried.

" _I'm good at keeping secrets._ " She offered with a small shrug.

" _I'm not in the mood for sharing…_ " Olivia replied, shaking her head but remaining friendly.

The medical examiner nodded. " _I understand._ "

They sat and talked for a while longer. Olivia explained what all had happened with the case after Melinda had gone into surgery. How Nicholas' father was arrested and his mother was taken into protective custody because she was at risk for harming herself.

" _I can't promise she'll go to jail for shooting you… they're getting her a psych eval and right now she's being held in the mental ward._ " Olivia told her friend.

Melinda gave her a thin smile.

" _It's okay… she belongs there, not in jail._ " The medical examiner explained. While she had been shot, she was still a doctor. Melinda knew a small bit of psychology and she was smart enough to know that the woman who almost murdered her was suffering from a mental illness. After all, the reason she'd been brought to the coroner's office was to try and break her out of her psychosis.

Olivia huffed and looked at the other woman with sad eyes.

" _You almost died._ " She whispered.

Melinda shrugged. " _It's not the first time…_ " She replied.

When Olivia only gave her a saddened look, she spoke again. " _C'mere._ " Melinda said, motioning for Olivia to come closer. The detective complied by scooting her chair closer to the hospital bed and taking the hand that Melinda had reached out with.

" _It means the world to me that you're here…_." She said, and Olivia's eyes began to water. " _I love that you're my friend and you care._ " Melinda said with a smile. " _I'm going to be okay._ "

" _I know…_ " Olivia replied, using her free hand to wipe her face free of the tears that had just fallen.

" _And I don't know what going on with you right now, but you're going to be okay too…_ " Melinda said, giving her friend a knowing look. She could tell that something had been going on with Olivia for a while and it wasn't just because of the baby passing away a couple of months ago either.

Olivia gave her a watery smile. " _I'd really like to focus on you for now…_ " She said.

Melinda nodded in understanding.

" _Well, speaking of me then, I have to pee…_ " She said.

Olivia let out a small laugh and pulled her hand away from Melinda's, standing up.

" _I'll help you… Are you allowed to get out of bed? I need to ask._ " Olivia said as she began to retreat, heading for the door.

" _Liv._ " Melinda called.

Olivia turned around and looked at her friend in question.

" _You're going to send the nurse in, then you're going to go home._ " Melinda stated matter-of-factly.

" _But-_ "

" _I draw the line at you helping me in the bathroom…_ " The medical examiner said, giving Olivia a serious look. The woman was determined to keep her dignity. Besides, that's what nurses were for.

Melinda already knew she was able to get out of bed with help. After an operation like she had, they'd want her up and moving as soon as possible. The longer you stay bed ridden, the longer the recovery process takes. She'd need help and be in pain, but she could do it.

Olivia refused to argue, knowing she wouldn't win. So, she fetched a nurse and said her goodbyes, promising to come back and visit.

…

It was a little after nine when she finally made it to her apartment. Olivia toed off her shoes and pulled her socks off with them, sticking her socks in the shoes and leaving them by the front door. She'd had a long day.

Olivia placed her bag of bloody clothes by the door as well, she'd probably throw them away. There's no way she'd be able to wear them after they've been covered in Melinda's blood.

Shrugging her jacket off, Olivia began to smell something. Then she realized there were faint noises coming from her kitchen.

Whatever the smell was, it smelled delicious. And since she highly doubted a burglar broke into her apartment to cook her dinner, she kept her gun holstered and slowly headed towards the kitchen.

Three men had a key to her apartment, so it was bound to be one of them.

She rounded the corner to find two pots on the stove, both cooking what looked to be side dishes and there was Trevor, taking chicken out of the oven.

" _Trevor?_ " She questioned, staring at the food. Then she took off her badge and gun, setting them on the counter.

" _Oh, hey!_ " He said as he set the chicken on the side of the stovetop that wasn't being used. " _I hope I didn't over step. I heard about the shooting… I just wanted to make sure you had something decent to come home to and oh, also-_ " Trevor was cut off and surprised by Olivia pressing her lips to his.

She continued her passionate assault on his lips as one hand curled around the back of his head and the other around his waist.

Until she heard someone clear their throat.

Olivia gasped and jumped back instantly, wondering who she'd just given a show to.

" _Yeah… that's what I was trying to say before you… cut me off._ " Trevor finished, wiping his mouth. " _Fin's here._ "

Olivia looked over the counter and out into the living room. She could see that he'd just stood up and was walking towards them.

Fin came around the counter and leaned against the wall with a sly grin on his face.

" _I ummm…_." Olivia stuttered, not knowing what to say and her face slightly red from embarrassment.

" _Yeah, imagine my surprise when I came over here to check up on you and I find home boy here cooking a full meal in your kitchen…_ " Fin said, crossing his arms.

" _Fin, we're not… We aren't…_ " Olivia tried.

" _Yeah, that's what he said too but that lip lock you just put him in has me thinkin' otherwise…_ " He said, then leaned over to get a napkin and grab a piece of chicken off the stove. " _You got my number if you need me…._ " Fin said, then raised his piece of chicken, nodding his thanks to Trevor as if it had been offered to him instead of him taking it freely.

He knew they wouldn't care though, he could have fixed him a whole plate to go and neither one would have cared.

Olivia waited until she heard her door shut before she could fully breathe again.

" _Shit._ " She whispered as she used both hands to cover her face. Then she walked to the door and locked it, putting the dead bolt on as well.

" _I didn't know what to do when he showed up… he just let himself in and… maybe I shouldn't have come anyways… I know my key is supposed to be for emergencies only._ " Trevor told her as he made his way over to her.

" _No,_ " She denied. " _What you did was nice and sweett._ " Olivia told him.

Trevor huffed.

" _I swear I told him we weren't together… that we were just friends…_ " He said, giving her an apologetic look.

" _Fin's going to think what Fin wants to think…_ " Olivia told him. " _If he really has questions or concerns, he'll ask me._ "

Trevor nodded. He had to admit he felt safer with Fin than he did with Elliot.

" _I'm sorry…_ " Trevor told her. He still felt the need to apologize.

Olivia shook her head and gave him a small smile. Then she leaned forward and kissed him just as passionately as she had before. Her arms locked around his neck and his locked around her waist.

She pulled him against her until she felt her back hit the wall. When they finally broke apart, they both were panting.

" _Today was terrible…_ " She whispered as she looked at him. " _I'm so thankful that I had a hot meal to come home to…_ "

" _My pleasure…_ " He whispered.

Olivia stared at him with so many emotions, there was so much tension and stress in her body.

" _What do you need?_ " Trevor asked, causing Olivia to break their eye contact and look elsewhere.

Trevor dipped his head, kissing her on the cheek as he moved his lips to her ear and he whispered again, " _Olivia, what do you need?_ "

Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly before slowly sliding her hands from the back of his neck to his shoulders.

She made eye contact with him as her hands applied pressure, harder and harder, until finally he got the idea. His eyebrows raised slightly as he bent his knees and complied to being pushed down to the ground.

He was face-to-face with her belly and he knew what she was asking.

Olivia swallowed hard as she stared at the man on his knees in front of her.

" _I… I showered at the hospital…_ " She told him as he hooked his fingers in the pants and panties of her blue scrubs and began pulling them down her long, tanned, thick legs.

Trevor put his right hand behind her left knee and lifted it until it was resting over his shoulder. Then, he gradually kissed his way up her thigh until he met the junction of her leg. He then leaned back up and looked at her.

" _I'd still eat you if you were dirty._ " He whispered to her, and immediately began peppering her vagina with kisses.

Olivia sucked in a breath as his words rang in her ears. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back, using her hands to try and brace herself against the wall as she was overcome with pleasure from his mouth.

She felt him sucking at the flaps of skin between her legs, his teeth just grazing her skin enough to tease her, giving her a tingling sensation that she loved so much.

" _Ohhh…_ " She whispered as her mouth hung open and she pushed her head harder into the wall. Her right hand moved to the back of his head and bent her right knee slightly so she could spread wider for him.

" _Tr-Trevor…_ " She stuttered as she felt his tongue begin drawing circles around her clit. His facial hair tickled her in the most delicious way.

Olivia wasn't hairless, in fact, she sometimes hated being completely smooth because of some of the shit the pedophiles would say, so there way almost always a good half inch of hair unless she'd newly shaved in anticipation for her period.

Her nails began massaging his scalp as he continued his work. Trevor's right hand still resting on top of Olivia's thigh as he used his thumb from his left hand to spread her opening wider for him.

He felt her began to slide down the wall before she even realized she was falling.

" _Trevor!_ " She said quickly, not wanting to hurt him by accidently putting all her weight on his shoulder, but he'd stopped working on her with his mouth and had put both arms under her ass.

He eased her onto the floor, then adjusted her legs, spreading them wider as he got onto his stomach and continued his task.

" _Oh god!_ " Olivia said loudly as she felt Trevor's tongue enter her body. She began rocking her hips towards him, grinding into his face.

" _MMnmmm…_." Olivia moaned as he continued. She was stressed and full of anxiety. It would take her long to climax.

Her pants were becoming faster and faster. She had one hand on Trevor's head and the other hand fisted into the carped. She was still sporting the scrub shirt that she'd been given at the hospital but her entire bottom half was naked. The sight of Trevor's head between her thighs was almost too much for her to bear.

" _Trevor… oh fuck… Trevor!_ " Olivia nearly yelled as she neared her orgasm. He sped up his tongue and used the pad of his thumb to rub the top of her mound. After being with her sexually for two months, he'd learned a few things about what pushed her over the edge and what she liked.

" _I'm gonna come!_ " She announced. It was music to his ears. Olivia hardly ever announced when she was about to have her orgasm, so this was a rare occasion.

" _Oh fuck, oh fuck! TREVOR! AH!_ " Olivia said very loudly as the muscles in her stomach tightened up and she went silent as her eyes closed shut tightly and her mouth made an "O" shape.

Trevor couldn't see her because he was busy causing her orgasm but he knew what her usual orgasm face looked like. He'd also learned over the course of the past two months that she had more than one orgasm face.

He slowed down his motions as he sensed that she was coming down from her high. Olivia was panting and after he completely stopped, he leaned in to plant a small kiss on her center.

Olivia hissed, her bud was still very sensitive, which only made Trevor smile.

He reached over, retrieving the scrub pants and draped them across her lap. He was always so mindful of her privacy.

" _You're amazing._ " Olivia told him once she'd finally caught her breath.

" _You're amazing to watch._ " He said, giving her a smile and causing her to turn a shade of pink.

" _I know that I got you… a bit excited…_ " Olivia said. " _You think you can hold out until after dinner?_ " She asked him, glancing at the tent in his pants.

Trevor smiled and nodded. Olivia got up to go get changed and she didn't both putting the scrubs back on. She could feel his eyes on her ass the entire time that she walked to the bedroom.

Olivia shook her head and smiled as she shut the door.

…

The next morning, Elliot was late to work.

Olivia wished she could be surprised or less suspicious but when he arrived sporting a new, red, hickie on the side of his neck, she nearly scoffed at him.

" _Morning._ " He said as he sat down at his desk across from her. She'd noticed the hickie from the moment he came in and now chose not to look at him.

" _Morning._ " She replied quietly, and his eyebrows went up, wondering what had put her in a mood.

After a morning full of tension and paperwork, Elliot took a bathroom break and finally realized what Olivia was so pissed off about.

Everyone began clearing out for lunch and Elliot went back into the squad room looking for Olivia, and just catching her figure entering the locker rooms.

He followed her.

" _I know what you think and it's not true._ " Elliot said, his voice interrupting Olivia's thoughts and causing her to look over from her locker.

Olivia rolled her eyes and continued to get her purse out of her locker.

Elliot walked up to her.

" _Liv._ " He said again, trying to get her attention.

" _What?_ " She asked, finally looking up after shutting her locker and locking it back.

" _Jo didn't do this._ " He said in all seriousness as he pointed to the hickie on his neck.

" _I don't care Elliot._ " Olivia replied as she tried to push past him but he grabbed her upper arm, pulling her back.

" _I'm serious._ " He said after Olivia had looked at him in anger for putting his hands on her.

Olivia swallowed hard and looked at him with hurt, but she had no right to be hurt. He was married. And if he had slept with Jo, then she could pass herself off as another notch in his bed post. She could get over him.

" _It's okay._ " Olivia whispered, and Elliot dropped his hands from her arms.

" _It's not._ " He argued lightly. " _I swear to you, Jo didn't do this._ " Elliot told her.

Olivia rubbed her lips together and stared at him.

" _You shouldn't be mad anyways, you're the one who broke us up._ " He told her, which only sparked another streak of anger in her.

" _Whatever._ " She said as she turned to leave. " _We were never together Elliot. And lower your fucking voice, we're at work._ " Olivia said, looking around cautiously, even though she knew no one else was in the locker rooms with them.

" _I slept with my wife last night. I did what husbands and wives are supposed to do!_ " He said, trying not to raise his voice.

" _Good for you!_ " She replied just as forcefully.

They stared at one another. They both knew they had urges when they got stressed or when something big happened at work. They'd known it for years, it's just how their bodies worked.

" _I took Jo home after she got checked out by the EMTs. I made sure she took some medicine for her headache, I called her sister to come stay with her. After her sister arrived, I left._ " Elliot told her calmly.

" _Okay._ " She said quietly. Olivia believed him.

" _She wanted to fuck. She wanted it badly, but I said no. I turned her down._ " Elliot continued, looking at her with cautious eyes.

" _I believe you._ " She whispered, but the fact that he had fucked someone was still in her mind. It shouldn't have been. Olivia had no room to be jealous or hurt. He didn't belong to her, she'd told herself that a million times but her heart just wouldn't listen.

Elliot nodded.

" _I stopped by your apartment last night after I left Jo…I just wanted to talk…_ " He said and shock covered her face. " _You seemed… busy…_ " Elliot swallowed and now horror covered her face as Olivia's eyes widened and her mouth fell open.

Elliot looked sad.

" _It sounds like Trevor treats you well…_ " He said as he walked over to her and gave her shoulder a brief squeeze. " _I hope you're happy with him, Liv._ " Elliot said, giving her a small, genuine smile before exiting the locker room, leaving Olivia standing there in shock.

He must have heard them having sex. He must have heard Olivia screaming Trevor's name… after all, they were in the vicinity of the front door. Shit, he must have stood there and listened to her being fucked by Trevor's tongue, then went home and fucked Kathy.

Dread began to fill Olivia.

She sat down on the bench between the lockers, setting her purse on the floor and covering her face with both hands as hot tears made their way down her cheeks.

Elliot wasn't pissed this morning. He wasn't angry when he came into work and he'd heard her fucking another man but at the sight of a hickie on his neck, she nearly blew a gasket. Olivia was embarrassed and sad. She couldn't control her feelings or emotions. She'd been through so much in the past four years and she wasn't sure how much more she could take.

 **It's not a long and there was no flashback, but I did the best I could. Review?**


	18. Chapter 18

**Sorry it took so long! Hope you like it and as always please review!**

" _You look fine._ " He told her as they walked to the front door.

Olivia was fussing over the casual summer dress that she was now slightly regretting having worn to Eli's birthday party.

" _It's going to be alright._ " Trevor said, trying to sooth her fears as he put his hand in hers and they locked fingers.

He knew Olivia and Elliot had had a rough case over the past couple of weeks, causing them to both take a few days off after it was done.

" _I know…_ " She whispered, even though she didn't believe her words.

This man had become her closest friend over the past few months and after a few weeks, they'd decided to tell everyone they were dating… even though that wasn't entirely true. It just made things easier for both of them.

No more sneaking around, trying not to get caught. Trevor got to brag to his office that he was bedding Olivia Benson, in a respectful way and with her permission of course. And Olivia got to pretend like she was over Elliot, hoping that this fake relationship would actually help her move on and get over her feelings for him.

" _Hi! Come on in!_ " Kathy greeted them both as she waved them inside. Elliot had warned her ahead of time that Olivia was bringing over the current man in her life, so Kathy wasn't that surprised to see Trevor.

They entered the house and followed Kathy into the kitchen.

Olivia added her present to the stack on the end of the dining room table as Trevor immediately grabbed a plate and went for the chips and dip.

She rolled his eyes at him with a small smile, making Kathy chuckle.

" _Elliot's outside at the grill and most everyone is out there mingling if you want to join them._ " The blonde explained, and Olivia took that as her cue to head outside.

Trevor followed behind her with his plate.

There were about nine adults outside including Elliot and four other children of various ages playing with Eli on his jungle gym swing set that, no doubt, Elliot had put together himself years ago for one of his other children and updated it when he knew Kathy was pregnant with Eli.

" _Livia!_ " She heard as soon as she made it onto the patio.

The little boy ran up to her and threw himself into her legs. Naturally, she reached down to pick him up and hoist him onto her right hip.

" _Hey little man._ " She said with a big smile.

Eli giggled and then snuggled his head into her shoulder as if he was bashful all of the sudden. Olivia's heart swelled. She'd seen him more here and there over the past few months and he had continued to grow fonder of her each and ever time. Of course, that might have something to do with her keeping candy in her desk though…

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Elliot at the grill watching her with an expression she couldn't quite read, which was unusual for them. He had a small smile on his face, but he looked sad at the same time.

Then there was Trevor standing to her left, watching her closely for any sign or signal that she needed him to cause a scene or distract the group of adults who'd all turned to see who Eli had run up to. Olivia had talked to Trevor ahead of time, he knew that going to Elliot's house would be hard for her and he also knew that she was purely doing this for Eli.

The last thing Trevor wanted was for Olivia to breakdown in front of everyone. By now, he knew the brunette had her fair share of demons, more than he'd hopefully ever have, and he was willing to support her any way he could.

After losing a child, even one that's not biological, sometimes it was all she could think about. Especially when holding someone else's child.

But Olivia gave Trevor a small smile as she used her left hand to rub Eli's back.

" _I hear it's your birthday._ " She whispered to him.

Eli gave her a small nod as he reached up and latched his arms around her neck.

" _I three._ " He said in a hushed whisper that made both her and Trevor grin.

This was one of the rare occasions that a child's birthday actually landed on a Saturday, causing it to be on the same day as his actual birthday party.

" _You are._ " Olivia agreed lightly as she hugged him closer to her body.

The little boy stared at Trevor with wide eyes.

" _Who dat?_ " He asked in a hushed whisper while still clinging to Olivia, but Trevor still heard him.

" _I'm Trevor._ " The attorney said and held out his hand for Eli to shake, but the boy didn't take it. Instead, he looked to Olivia in question and she couldn't help but wonder if Eli wasn't shaking his hand because he was shy or if it was because of some stranger-danger tactics Elliot and Kathy had instilled in him.

" _It's okay. He's my friend. Trevor works with me and daddy._ " She said, trying to explain this strange man to Eli but she'd heard the words as soon as they'd left her mouth and it nearly killed her. 'Me and daddy' she'd said, as if she was talking to a child that she shared with Elliot. Dear god, today was going to be the death of her.

" _He po'lice?_ " Eli asked curiously.

Olivia shook her head.

" _No, he's not police, but he works at the court house with the judge and helps other people when they need it…_ " She tried to explain, not quite sure how to tell a child what Trevor does for a living.

Eli just nodded and Olivia wasn't honestly sure how much he understood.

" _I love you, sweet boy._ " She whispered to him before planting a kiss in his hair and walking closer to the group of children that were various ages and waiting for him to return to their game of whatever they were playing. It was the easiest 'I love you' that she'd ever said.

Eli seemed to get the idea that she was about to put him down to go play, so he released her neck and held out his legs as she lowered his little body to the ground.

" _You stayin' Livia?_ " He asked gently, looking at her hesitantly.

" _I am for a little while, yes._ " She replied as her heart nearly broke.

Eli gave her a small smile before running off to his friends, yelling with glee as they began to continue their game of what she gathered might be some newer version of cowboys and Indians.

Clearly, he was used to her and Elliot running of to work a case or being called to the hospital. Today though, that wouldn't happen. Fin and Munch were catching. Olivia and Elliot had the weekend off. Elliot had planned it that way obviously because of Eli's birthday ahead of time but this past case would have caused them to take the weekend off anyways, along with the couple of days they'd already taken because of it.

" _He's cute as fuck._ " Trevor whispered behind her and Olivia shot a harsh glance at him.

" _Language._ " She said sternly. He gave her a thin smile, he'd known no one could hear him and she knew it too.

Olivia finally took a minute to look around at everyone, and she was glad to see that the women had similar attire to hers.

" _This is Olivia Benson and Trevor…. Um…_." Olivia heard Kathy say as she looked to the couple for help with what Trevor's last name was.

" _Langan._ " Trevor and Olivia both said in union.

Kathy smiled and repeated her statement, adding Trevor's last name as she introduced them to the group of adults that were hanging out on the patio watching the children play. Olivia gave them a kind smile as everyone said hello and briefly introduced themselves. Kathy mentioned that Olivia was Elliot's partner and that Trevor was an attorney they worked with from time to time.

The blonde explained that beverages, alcoholic and non-alcoholic were in the big blue cooler by the sliding glass door, then excused herself to get the salad ready in the kitchen.

Olivia wanted a beer. She wanted one very badly, but she wasn't going to partake in any drinking today. At least not here, so she retrieved herself a coke and got a sprite for Trevor, deciding for him that he wasn't having any alcoholic beverages either.

While he sat down and started chatting with the few men there, Olivia made her way over to Elliot.

" _Nice party._ " She commented as she popped open her coke and took a swig.

" _Nice dress._ " He replied, stifling a laugh.

She rolled her eyes at him.

" _I can get pretty, and all dolled up when I want to._ " She replied, giving him an annoyed look.

" _Oh, I know._ " He answered maybe too quickly.

Then they had an awkward moment of silence as neither of them knew how to navigate their current relationship of having feelings for each other but severely ignoring them and trying to continue on with their lives.

" _How you doing?_ " Elliot asked, changing the subject as he maneuvered his spatula to flip the burgers.

" _I should be asking you that too…_ " Olivia wondered out loud as she cocked her head to the side and gave him a thoughtful look.

Elliot gave her an unimpressed glance and went back to tending to the grill.

" _Nothing happened. I'm fine._ " He told her. It wasn't harsh or mean, it was just honest, and he refused to look at her.

They'd been distancing themselves from each other lately and while it hurt like hell, it was what they needed.

She glanced at him with intense eyes as she took another sip of coke.

" _I don't wanna talk about it…_ " He mumbled quietly

Olivia nodded. She understood.

This was how their new relationship worked. They didn't get personal and put emotions and feelings in the mix. Coming to Eli's party was crossing a personal boundary in itself but she'd brought her 'boyfriend' for back up and she wasn't about to disappoint that boy two years in a row by not showing up.

However, Olivia was still torn. She wanted to be there for her partner, she needed to support him just as he had her so many times before.

…

FLASHBACK TO LAST WEEK

Contrary to Elliot being hurt, physically and mentally, Olivia also took a personal hit from this case, but it was getting to the point of where she was wondering which cases wouldn't hit home.

Camille waited fourteen years after she was raped to get back at her rapists. She'd been raped at summer camp by three men that were supposed to protect her and be her friends. One night, they'd invited her into the woods at the bonfire, held her down, and took turns as the forced themselves inside her.

" _I'm a nobody. Who are you? Are you a nobody too?_ " She'd said to the counselor who'd found her in shock that summer, but she'd denied anything had happened to her. She'd kept it a secret and buried it deep down, letting it consume her whole fourteen years later.

They'd caught Camille in the act when she'd mailed herself in a box to the third person that was supposed to be branded and molested by her with objects after she'd shoved a needle in their neck and drugged them.

Olivia and Elliot sat on the bed as they waited what felt like hours for her to break out of the box and make her move.

Elliot went to sit in the living room to pose as the man who was supposed to be the third victim and unfortunately, Camille had gotten the upper hand before Elliot could make his move.

He was supposed to be able to see her in a mirror they'd positioned appropriately in the living room but once he took his place, he realized the mirror had been moved, probably by the man he was impersonating who was also a neat freak.

Elliot realized that he'd have to guess when she was right behind him and in the right position so that he could grab her, then Olivia was supposed to run in but Elliot miscalculated.

Camille came around his left side instead of his right and the needle was in him before he could even blink, but Elliot was much bigger than her and he ripped the needle out, only getting half the dose of whatever she was trying to give him.

However, the drug took its toll and Elliot quickly sunk to the floor as he tried to fight her off. Camille grabbed him through his pants, hoping to hurt him as she squeezed tightly and then reached for his belt. She batted his hands away as she unbuckled it.

" _You're not him but you're still a man!_ " Camille yelled at him, stating that she was still going to sodomize and brand him with the coat hanger even though he wasn't the one that she'd been originally going for.

" _L-Liv!_ " Elliot tried to yell, knowing he couldn't fight her off on his own now due to the drugs. " _O-livia-a! H-helppp_ "

Seconds later she came busting through the door, throwing Camille off of him and cuffing her quickly. Olivia grabbed her radio and called in that there was an officer down, and called for transportation for the suspect.

" _Elliot…_ " She called to him as he lay on the floor in front of her.

" _D-don't let h-her sodosoizeee_ " He slurred as he reached for her. Olivia relented, knowing he was scared. She held his hands as he continued to be fearful, not fully understanding that he was not in danger anymore. Elliot had never had the threat of sexual assault before and he wasn't in his right mind now.

" _She's cuffed, El._ " Olivia cooed. " _She's not going to touch you. I won't let her._ " She promised him, squeezing his hand tightly.

" _O-Olivia…_ " He called for her again, becoming more delirious and Olivia picked up her radio to ask for the whereabouts of the ambulance while also keeping an eye on Camille who seemed to be having a breakdown of her own across the room where Olivia had cuffed her to a side table.

" _I'm here._ " She promised him as officers burst through the door. Back up had arrived and she moved back slightly, giving them room but continued to hold his hand until he finally succumbed to the drugs, falling unconscious.

She followed him to the hospital and waited until the doctors could tell her everything was okay before she'd even move from the hospital waiting room.

They'd examined Elliot while he was unconscious, simply because it was possibly a severe case with no one knowing exactly what Elliot was given. Later, they learned that it'd just been something to make him semi-unconscious. Camille wanted her third victim to be weak enough to not be able to fight back but coherent enough to feel the pain, just as she'd done with the first two.

Elliot would have some bruising on his penis and on the side of one of his testicles due to how rough Camille had been, but other than that, he was deemed okay.

Hours later when he was released, Olivia dropped him off at home per his request. They didn't talk about it, also per his request.

" _This is new for you._ " She said softly as she pulled up to his home, attempting to talk to him.

" _I've been attacked by perps before. I'll be fine._ " He told her as he opened his door and slowly exited their squad car.

" _You've never been threatened with sexual assault before…_ " She whispered, trying to look at him. Technically, he had been assaulted but she wasn't going to go there, not now.

" _Thanks for the ride._ " He'd told her as he slammed the door, completely ignoring her comment.

Olivia didn't know what he'd told Kathy, if anything and she decided not to ask.

Elliot had the rest of the day off and came in the next morning acting like everything was fine and dandy. A couple of times, she caught him wincing when he sat down though.

Then Olivia decided to visit Camille in jail, believing that she could get the young woman to talk, that all Camille needed was to open up and tell her story. Olivia tried to not harbor hard feelings towards the woman because of what she had done to Elliot, but it was rather difficult.

After all, healing begins when someone bears witness.

So, Olivia had visited her in jail and sat down, giving the young woman her full attention, only to hear Camille's story and find out that it'd taken her fourteen years to retaliate because she'd accidentally ran into her biological daughter that she'd given away because she couldn't bear to raise her child knowing the father was one of her rapists.

The brunette detective wanted to tell her victim/perpetrator that she was also the child of a rapist, and that her daughter would understand being given up because Olivia would have understood if her mother had given her up. In fact, at times, she'd even wished for it. But Olivia decided against it, she wasn't up to mixing work and personal stuff right now, at least not anymore than it was already.

" _This child is proof she was raped!_ " Olivia had argued with the ADA back at the precinct. They could find the girl, do the DNA test, and collar these men for rape, or at least the one who is the biological father.

" _Statute of limitations is up._ " The ADA had replied calmly. " _I've gotta do my job and go after Camille._ "

" _So, you're gonna prosecute a woman whose PTSD was triggered by seeing her rape baby instead of going after her rapists?!_ " Olivia threw back, half yelling.

" _I have no choice, I have her confession on the prison video footage from when you went to interview her!_ " The strawberry blonde shot back.

Olivia gave her a deathly glare and Elliot stood behind her for reinforcement.

" _What? Your percentage rate too fucking precious to you?_ " She shot at the ADA and Cragen, who was standing in the corner, raised his eyebrows at her comment.

" _Rape baby or not, there's nothing I can do so it doesn't matter._ " The ADA replied and then stormed out of the room, giving Olivia the eerie feeling that the woman might not fully believe Camille was raped, and if she did believe it, she didn't seem to care much.

" _Son-of-a-_ " Olivia was cut off by Elliot wrapping his arm around her waist, stopping her from going after their ADA and slightly pulling her to the side as he locked eyes with Cragen.

" _Take her for some air._ " Cragen nodded at Elliot and Olivia huffed as she yanked away from Elliot and made her way to the stairs. There's no way she'd be allowed to go out the same doors as the ADA, so the only other option for air was the roof.

Olivia knew Elliot was following her and that was fine. She was too pissed to even care at the moment.

Opening the door to the roof, the brunette welcomed the nice breeze as she stepped out onto the top of the building and took a deep breath.

" _I'm fine._ " She told Elliot as he stepped out behind her. " _But, how are you?_ " She asked, turning around to face him, knowing he'd been through a scare of being threatened with sexual assault.

" _You know, people handle babies created from rape in different ways, Liv._ " He told her, clearly ignoring her question. " _Our new ADA doesn't know your story… she doesn't understand what she just said to you and the impact it had…_ " Elliot tried to sooth her.

" _It doesn't matter._ " Olivia said, looking at him sharply. " _She won't know, no one is going to tell her. Am I clear?_ " She asked sternly.

" _Yes._ " Elliot nodded, confirming that his loyalty to her secrets still remained.

" _Good._ " She said simply, then opened the door to the stairwell and began her decent back to the precinct, deciding that she'd had enough air.

Her partner shook his head and waited a few seconds before following her. He was also dreading the walk back down the stairs nearly just as much as he'd dreaded climbing up them with the private areas bruised.

…

PRESENT DAY

" _I'm not buying what you're selling, you know…_ " Elliot said lightly as he added the hot dogs to the grill.

" _What?_ " She asked him questionably.

Elliot pointed his spatula towards Trevor.

" _Lover boy…_ " He said before turning back to grab his beer and take a swig with his free hand.

Olivia rolled her eyes and glanced at Trevor. He looked good in his nice pants and polo shirt.

" _He's a good guy. Don't be an ass._ " Olivia told her partner. She knew it'd be difficult to convince Elliot that she had a real thing going with Trevor, but she was hoping that since he'd heard them fucking a few months ago, he'd eventually get on board with the idea.

Elliot only smiled at her, not really believing a word that she was saying but in Elliot's defense, he only knew the defense attorney side of Trevor.

" _You're being an ass._ " She told him, reminding him that she'd clearly just asked him not to.

Elliot shrugged.

" _Leave him alone…. I mean it._ " Olivia said sternly, her eyes darkening. She was all the sudden becoming protective of Trevor. She really did care for him… just not the way girlfriends and boyfriends do. Still, she thought they were passing it off pretty well.

Elliot smiled at her again with a cocky grin, it finally pushed her over the edge with anger.

" _You wanna know what I love about him?_ " Olivia asked, throwing him off his kilter. She'd used the 'L' word, a word she forbid him from using with her and she wouldn't use it with him either, but she'd just used it in a sentence about Trevor. Elliot's smile faded quickly.

" _I love that after we have sex, he can stay for as long as he wants and as long as I want him to because he's not married, and we don't have to hide our relationship or feelings._ "

Elliot swallowed hard. She'd hit him where it hurt.

This wasn't fair. She knew it wasn't fair. Olivia knew she could've asked Elliot to leave Kathy and he probably would have. She knew she could have easily told him not to go back to Kathy after she'd gotten pregnant with Eli, but Olivia wasn't having it and she'd pushed him back into the blonde's arms.

And now here they were at Eli's third birthday party.

Elliot looked extremely sad all of the sudden. He almost wanted to ask her if she too, ever wondered what Eli would have looked like with dark brown hair and hazel eyes, but he knew that was taking it a bit too far. He didn't want to hurt her like that. Still, he couldn't help but think if he'd just knocked her up instead of Kathy, it'd be a very different scene happening right now.

" _Fuck you._ " He whispered instead as he took another swig of his beer and set it down to turn his attention back to the grill.

He could feel her staring at the back of his head. She opened her mouth but was cut off before she could even speak.

" _Babe,_ " Trevor said, using the pet name that she'd asked him to, " _Mrs. Stabler is asking for you inside… something about help with the salad…_ " He said, slightly shrugging at her in an equal amount of confusion, wondering what Olivia could possible do to help make a salad that Kathy couldn't' do herself.

" _I… yeah, okay…_ " Olivia said as she began to slowly head towards the sliding glass door.

" _Elliot, is there anything I can help you with?_ " Trevor offered politely, giving Elliot a small smile. As far as Elliot knew, Trevor was completely clueless as to what had happened between him and Olivia aside from some light flirting.

" _Nah… Everything's under control. Why don't you grab up a beer and make yourself comfortable?_ " Elliot offed lightly with a small smile, causing Olivia to turn around just as she was opening the door and shoot Trevor a glare.

Both men saw the look and she held their gaze for a few seconds before entering the house.

" _I um… I don't think I'm allowed too…_ " Trevor said hesitantly, looking back towards Elliot and giving him an apologetic look.

Elliot shrugged and gave the man a knowing look as his moved the hot dogs around on the grill.

" _You think that's bad… try working with her…_ " Elliot said lowly and Trevor chuckled lightly.

…

" _You were asking for me?_ " Olivia asked as she stepped into the kitchen, looking around for this supposed salad that she needed to help with.

" _Yeah…_ " Kathy said hesitantly as she glanced at the already made salad that was now covered with saranwrap and waiting to be taken outside. " _I may have asked you in here under false pretenses…_ " She said, looking a bit guilty.

" _I uh… I see that…_ " Olivia said, nodding her head towards the huge salad bowl. " _Everything okay?_ " She asked, now suddenly concerned.

" _That's what I wanted to ask you…_ " The blonde told her.

Kathy explained that she knew something had happened. Elliot had come home and been… different, although Olivia wasn't really sure what 'different' meant in their household. Kathy said that Elliot had seemed off and she figured something had happened at work, but she wasn't sure what it was, and she was worried.

Olivia nodded her head in understanding.

" _This last case was more difficult on… him than usual._ " Olivia agreed. " _I can't tell you what happened… I can't breach his trust like that and I can't discuss a case outside of the precinct but, you can try asking him?_ " Olivia shrugged lightly.

Kathy nodded in return.

" _We… yeah… yeah, I'll try._ " The blonde answered but Olivia got the feeling that Kathy had already tried talking to Elliot and it hadn't worked out so well.

Olivia gave her a sympathetic look.

" _If it helps…_ " The brunette said, getting Kathy's attention once more. " _He won't talk to me about it either…_ " The detective offered her a small smile.

" _Actually…. Yeah, yeah it does._ " The blonde replied with a small smile. Then she walked over and picked up the salad and held it out to Olivia.

" _Hey, where are the kids at?_ " The detective asked, trying to change the subject quickly.

It worked, Kathy's face broke out into a small smile.

" _The girls came by yesterday to celebrate with him since they'd already had tickets to some event for today._ " She explained. " _And Richard is at training camp._ " The woman said as a sadder look washed over her face.

" _Oh, right._ " Olivia said silently. She'd nearly forgotten that Richard had gone through with his plans to join the army against Elliot's pleas and begging. " _How long?_ " The brunette asked lightly.

" _Basic training was ten weeks. He's done with that already, and he's just started infantry and armor training, so he's got about sixteen weeks to go._ " The other woman explained.

Olivia nodded with sympathy. She couldn't imagine what it'd be like to have a child, raise them, then sent them off into the face of danger but there was really nothing that Elliot or Kathy could do. From what Olivia could tell, Richard had had his mind made up for a while.

" _I'll keep him in my… thoughts._ " Olivia said with a small smile. She almost said 'prayers' but that was a stretch even for her. She only prayed on extremely rare occasions and she was pretty sure the Stablers knew that.

" _Thanks._ " The blonde said. " _Will you please take this out for me? I don't want to blow my cover…_ " Kathy asked, stating that she didn't want Elliot to know that she'd been talking about him. Besides, Elliot didn't know much about cooking anyways. He could grill just about anything but that was it. He wouldn't question what the women had been doing in the kitchen.

" _Sure._ " Olivia responded with a small smile and headed out the door.

…

" _Whatcha doing?_ " Olivia asked in her happier voice that she reserved to use on children as she sat down in the grass beside Eli. All the other kids seemed to be a year or two older than Eli except for a couple and the group had wondered to the other side of the yard, and Eli hadn't followed so he was by himself.

The little boy wasn't in school yet and Olivia was pretty certain that members of Kathy's family kept Eli during the days that she had to work. The brunette also knew that Kathy had cut back on her hours as a nurse since she'd had Eli, so Olivia wasn't really sure how much she worked. Him being not being in preschool would explain the lack of children his age though.

" _Playin'_ ," he responded as he picked wildflowers in the yard.

" _Hmm…_ " Olivia said as she crossed her dress and adjusted it so that it fully covered her legs and flowed into the grass, making sure that she was being modest and lady-like for the Stabler household.

Eli took this as his cue to crawl into her lap, which she gladly accepted, helping him get situated and also sit Indian style in the crease of her legs.

" _You like Flowers, 'Livia?_ " He asked, turning to look at her in question.

Olivia nodded with a smile as she craned her neck around to see him in her lap.

" _I'll let you in on a little secret._ " She told him in a whisper, and Eli leaned in, listening closely. " _Most girl love flowers._ " She stated, still smiling.

The little boy just smiled wide and handed her two of the white flowers that he'd picked in the yard. He seemed like such an easy child. Easily entertained and for the most part, he always behaved when he came to visit his dad at the precinct.

" _Thank you._ " Olivia said as she accepted the flowers and put them in her hair behind her left ear, causing Eli to smile rather largely. He hadn't expected her to put them in her hair apparently.

They sat together for a while as the soft breeze blew. Olivia's hair whipped around lightly in the sun. She zoned out of what was happening in her surroundings, choosing to focus solely on the little boy in her lap and how he was babbling about flowers, trees, and grass. Then he transitioned to talking about fishing somehow and mentioning that his daddy was supposed to be taking him to the lake before it got cold.

Her heart felt like it was going to burst with love and joy for this child in her lap. She loved him so fucking much that it hurt.

Olivia used to wish that he hadn't gone back to Kathy, that he'd fought her harder, that he'd fought harder for her, but she couldn't deny that this boy in her lap was worth it. She completely understood where her partner was coming from.

Eli deserved the world.

When Olivia finally came out of her thoughts, Eli had somehow transitioned to talking about deer and she couldn't remember Elliot ever talking about going hunting so that confused her a bit.

She felt eyes on her. Her detective skills were zeroed back in and she knew she was being watched. Olivia looked up just in time to see Trevor and Elliot standing together behind the grill, both with their phones out, snapping pictures of her.

If this had been any other time, she would have flipped them both off but instead, she leaned down and whispered to Eli, " _Look at daddy and smile._ "

The boy glanced at her with a confused look before turning his head towards his father and started cheesing it for the cameras. She humored both men and smiled too as she put her arms around Eli.

Truth was, she didn't have many photos with him and she wanted this one, although she was pretty sure them men's photos had more to do with Olivia Benson making a rare appearance in a dress rather than having a cute child in her lap…

Elliot and Trevor seemed surprised but never-the-less, continued snapping photos for a few seconds before Olivia finally stopped posing and gave Eli a hug, kissing the top of his head.

After a couple of beats, Eli turned around and spoke.

" _I neeta potty, 'Livia._ " He told her seriously and she laughed.

" _Alright, Little man._ " She said. " _Let's go inside._ "

Olivia put her arms under his and helped him up onto the grass in front of her, then stood up herself and wiped the grass off her dress before taking his hand and leading him inside, completely ignoring Elliot and Trevor who were, no doubt, talking about her.

She wasn't going to chastise Trevor. He was a big boy and he could do whatever he wanted to do. They'd talked before arriving and she'd expressed that there were really no ground rules for them going to the Stabler's residence aside from her needing him to have her back and cover for her if she got emotional.

However, she didn't trust Elliot, who was probably trying to weasel as much information out of Trevor as possible… but Trevor was a lawyer after all, so he knew how to navigate his way around an interrogation.

" _We need to potty._ " Olivia said as she slid open the sliding glass door from the patio and saw Kathy in the kitchen. The brunette entered the kitchen hand-in-hand with Eli.

The blonde turned around and Olivia saw that her hands were covered with white, gooey stuff. Then she looked at the counter and saw that Kathy was in the middle of making a cheeseball for the guests.

Leave it to Kathy and Elliot Stabler to go overboard for a child's birthday party.

" _You need to use the bathroom?_ " Kathy asked Eli over the counter, searching for which bathroom action he actually needed to do.

" _I neeta pee._ " He said, causing Olivia to snort with a small laugh.

" _I can take him…_ " The detective volunteered, knowing Kathy was busy.

Elliot's wife hesitated for a moment before she relented and gave Olivia her deepest thanks.

" _He can do everything himself._ " She told her. " _But our bathroom downstairs has been giving us problems. Can you walk with him upstairs?_ " Kathy asked.

While Eli could pee on his own, he still wasn't allowed to walk up the stairs by himself because of his balance not being that great yet and their stairs were a bit too steep for children. He'd crawl up and down them by himself still, but he wasn't allowed to play on them for fear of him tumbling down.

" _Sure._ " Olivia gave the woman a smile and headed towards the stairs, hearing Kathy call out that it was the second door on the right.

So, hand-in-hand, she and Eli climbed the stairs. When they reached the top, they passed the first closed door on the right, which Olivia guessed was a hall closet of some sort due to how much small wall space it had before the second door.

" _Light?_ " Eli asked softly as he looked to her with big eyes. Olivia smiled and reached in, flipping the light switch that Eli couldn't reach.

" _You wait here._ " He commanded, and then entered the bathroom, shutting the door behind him leaving Olivia giggling at his cute, child-like behaviors.

She cast a glance at the stairs and wandered back towards them. On their way to the bathroom, they'd passed the guest bedroom to the left. The door had been open, and Olivia had glanced at the beautiful teal blue bedding and décor of the room, but now she could see inside it from the opposite direction and something on the dresser caught her eye.

Actually, a lot of somethings.

There were many picture frames on it, more than the normal two or three amount. It was more like six or seven.

She walked closer to the doorframe, her detective skills getting the best of her. One picture had stuck out. She could barely see it but she could've sworn the woman in the photo favored her.

As she got closer, she realized it was in fact her.

Olivia stepped into the bedroom and walked towards the dresser. There in a silver picture frame was a photo of herself, holding Eli at the precinct when he was just about a month old. It'd been his first visit. Elliot and Kathy had brought him in for everyone to see and meet.

She remembered the photo being taken but she didn't realize it'd been kept, never-the-less printed out and framed. She picked it up and held it in her hands, investigating it more closely.

On the dresser were various other photos containing the Stabler kids at numerous ages with picture of Kathy and Elliot in some of them.

Olivia didn't understand why they'd have all of these pictures of her and the family in the guest room.

Then something else on the dresser caught her eye. On the far end were a bunch of white papers. As she walked closer, still holding the framed picture of herself and Eli, she saw that in big, bold letters at the top were written ' **The State of New York Judicial Branch. Joint Complaint, Petition, Or Declaration for Simplified Divorce.** '

" _Oh, shit._ " She whispered as she stared at them.

The front page was just explaining what simplified divorce meant and what would happen, it continued onto the second page but only the first page was visible, and Olivia didn't dare touch them. She couldn't even tell if they'd been signed or not.

She all the sudden was over come with several feelings. Elliot hadn't let on that he and Kathy were contemplating divorce again. Sure, he'd said things weren't great at home, but he'd always stressed that they were making things work for Eli.

" _Dat me an' you._ " She heard the tiny voice come from Eli as he was walking towards her, apparently done with his bathroom break. He was looking at the framed photo in her hands.

She let a small smile grace her face.

" _It is._ " She agreed.

" _Wat you doin' in Daddy's room?_ " He asked curiously, causing Olivia's mouth to drop open.

She looked at him in slight surprise but tried her best to hide her shock. Glancing around the room, she found that the little boy was right. The closet door was open and filled with clothing that she'd seen Elliot wear before, her partner's cologne was on the dresser just above the divorce papers along with two small bottles of pills that she definitely wanted to inspect but couldn't, and there was a small pile of his shoes in the corner of the room.

Olivia swallowed hard. She had so many questions, but she wasn't about to interrogate little Eli.

" _We shouldn't be in here._ " She told Eli, realizing that this was, in fact, her partners current bedroom. She swallowed hard and clutched the picture frame in her hand.

" _Come on._ " Olivia said quickly. " _We need to get back down stairs._ " She said as she turned to place the photograph where she'd found it and was met with Kathy standing at the doorway, leaning against the doorframe.

The brunette's mouth hung open slightly and her eyes were widened. She hadn't meant to snoop. It was only supposed to be the guest bedroom and she was only supposed to be looked at the family photographs while Eli was in the restroom.

Before either woman could speak, a number of large squeals came from outside that seemed to suggest that the other children were either being entertained by an adult or had found a new, more fun game to play.

Eli gasped, and his eyes got very large as he heard the sounds, then he headed for the bedroom door.

" _I goin' back outside!_ " He said quickly as he trotted through the doorframe and towards the stairs.

Kathy leaned back momentarily and watched him.

" _How do we go down the stairs?_ " She called after him.

Olivia heard a tiny sigh then Eli's voice say " _Crawlin' slowly or walkin' with two hans on da rail…_ "

The blonde continued to watch him for a few seconds more until he was out of site, then she looked back at Olivia with a calm face.

The detective was still holding the framed photo and she scratched the back of her head with her free hand, trying to think of a way to get herself out of this hole she'd unintentionally put herself in.

" _Um… can I have a copy of this?_ " She asked lightly, holding up the framed photo of herself and Eli.

Kathy gave her a thin smile, then moved inside the room, walking to the bed and taking a seat.

" _I'm pretty sure that was your copy, but he kept it instead of giving it to you._ " She replied gently, making Olivia very alert that their conversation was possibly entering dangerous territory.

" _I wasn't… I didn't mean…_ " Olivia started but was at a loss for words. She gazed around the room. " _I saw the photo while I was waiting on Eli… I just wanted to get a better look… I thought this was the guest room…_ " She said, trying her best to explain her actions and keep a light tone in her voice.

Kathy sat up straight and cocked her head to the side as she braced both hands on each side of her on the bed.

" _I'll get you a copy of the photo._ " She promised the other woman, but the way that Kathy had sat down on the bed told Olivia that she had other things on her mind too.

Olivia turned around and set the framed photo back down where she'd found it.

" _Thanks._ " She whispered softly, then stayed standing by the dresser, trying her best to get rid of her deer-in-headlights look that she knew she must have.

The silence that then overcame them was deafening. Olivia's fear was building and she all the sudden wished Eli would burst back into the room. She didn't want to be in the bedroom with Kathy. She didn't want to talk to the woman about whatever the blonde was about to say, and she sure as hell didn't want to discuss Elliot with her.

" _I have a confession…_ " Kathy said as she spread her legs and laced her fingers, leaning her elbows on her knees.

Olivia looked at her with a puzzled expression. The brunette was the one that should be confessing… not Kathy.

" _I went to put flowers on the grave of the baby girl that died at the hospital… some nurses got together and chipped in. Because I knew you and they didn't, they thought it'd be best for me to go._ " The blonde explained, tucking a piece of blonde hair behind her ear.

Olivia swallowed hard again as her heart nearly stopped.

" _I looked up the obituary and got the address of where she was buried._ " Kathy explained. " _I hadn't expected it to be beside your mom… and other… child._ " She said gently, and Olivia felt her eyes welling up with water.

That was personal to Olivia. It was personal space that Kathy had inadvertently invaded. It was a public cemetery so technically she'd done nothing wrong, but Olivia still felt slightly like her privacy had been violated.

Her heart was beating so fast.

" _I decided to divide the flowers up to put them on your mom's grave, along with both children's._ " Kathy explained. " _And I saw the date on your daughter's tombstone and I… I was surprised…_ " The blonde explained with a slightly confused expression that showcased some sadness. " _I was, for some reason, under the impression that you'd lost her a long time ago but… May 25_ _th_ _of 2006 is not that long ago…_ " Kathy had known it was a miscarriage simply because there was only one date on the tombstone.

Olivia's eyes continued to water. She didn't want to be talking about this with Kathy, but she had no choice right now.

" _Over four years ago._ " The detective whispered, for fear that her voice would break if she actually tried to speak.

Kathy nodded.

Olivia rubbed her lips together as her throat suddenly went dry.

" _I'm sorry you've had to go through so much in the past few years._ " Kathy told her sympathetically.

" _I could say the same for you._ " Olivia replied after she'd found her voice, glancing at the divorce papers on the dresser. She ran her hand through her hair, then crossed her arms and leaned back against the dresser. Her defenses were up, and she was on high alert.

But the blonde ignored the detectives comment.

" _May 25_ _th_ _of 2006 was after Elliot and I had been separated for a good while._ " Kathy stated, and Olivia's stomach dropped as she realized where this conversation was going.

" _I wasn't working with him then._ " Olivia deflected. " _I had the miscarriage months after I'd transferred to computer crimes on the other side of the city._ " She said, hoping to satisfy Kathy's evident curiosity.

The other woman nodded.

" _I remember. He'd told me you'd left when I'd asked how you were doing during our exchange of the kids one day._ "

Olivia nodded now, not sure where this conversation was going anymore. As far as she was concerned, she'd just presented Kathy with an alibi.

" _We were separated for so long…_ " The blonde continued. " _I dated around, and he told me he did too._ " She said, giving Olivia a knowing look.

The brunette shook her head lightly.

" _I didn't date your husband._ " Olivia said with conviction, looking Kathy dead in the eyes. It wasn't a lie. She and Elliot had never dated per say.

Kathy just gave Olivia a thin smile and it was in this moment that Olivia felt the most fear as she realized that Elliot's wife, did in fact, believe that Elliot had fathered her unborn child.

The detective had most likely given herself away when she'd been in mourning and Kathy had brought her food and a visit from Eli. She told the blonde not to tell Elliot about her losing a child previously, she'd practically begged her not to tell him.

Olivia had given herself away by accident.

The brunette uncrossed her arms and gripped the edge of the dresser as she stared at the window briefly, trying to decide what to say next.

Kathy sat up straight again, removing her elbows from her knees and focused on Olivia closely, which Olivia hated.

" _I'll sue you._ " Olivia said lowly as her head lolled back towards Kathy.

The brunette's eyes were still slightly watery, but they were darker and her stance had changed along with her facial expression. She was no longer Olivia, she was in her Detective Benson persona, her defenses were on high, and she was coming out with guns blazing.

" _W-what?_ " Kathy asked, stammering in surprise at Olivia's words and her all-the-sudden coldness.

" _If you tell him, I will sue you for everything your worth._ " The brunette repeated, her self-protection mechanism taking over. " _I said I'd lost a child when I was at the hospital, when me and my newly adopted daughter were under your care as a nurse. And as a nurse, you have an ethical code you have to follow. If you tell Elliot anything about my miscarriage, I will sue you._ " Olivia continued, looking at Kathy intently. " _And you will lose your job, and your license._ " She finished, eyes blazing.

Tension filled the room, even more so than it had before.

" _You think I can't sue you for sleeping with my husband?_ " Kathy asked calmly and in a slightly confused tone. She had grounds for what she was saying. A wife or husband can sue the person that their partner cheats with using the Alienation of Affection defense. " _You slept with your partner… isn't that ground for suspension or losing your badge all together?_ " She continued to question lightly, in a non-threatening manner, nothing like the tone Olivia had come at her with.

The brunette swallowed hard and dipped her head down, closing her eyes tightly and she gripped the dresser so hard that her knuckles were turning white.

" _We… we just slept together once._ " Olivia whispered harshly. " _We'd had a tough case… the same one that'd made me transfer to computer crimes. You… both of you had signed the papers and I… faltered._ " Olivia explained, then glanced back up to make eye contact with Kathy. " _He and I faltered… and I'm so, so fucking sorry…_ " She said with tears in her eyes.

A couple of days after Olivia had had her miscarriage she'd had too much time on her hands and she'd began thinking too much. She'd wondered which time had done it.

Was it when he'd first come inside her, when they'd been fucking missionary style and he'd gripped her leg tightly as he grunted out her name while contorting his face and filling her body with his semen?

Had it been the second time, shortly after the first, after he'd sucked her until she writhed beneath his mouth and yelled his name as she climaxed, causing him to harden again and slip inside her in a missionary position once more until he grunted her name and came again?

Or had it been the third time, in the wee hours of the morning when they'd both woken up in each other's arms and she'd quickly ended up on all fours as he fucked her from behind, lightly pulling her hair and slamming into her until he moaned loudly, bent over with his chest to her back and came inside her for the third and final time, before they fell back asleep?

" _I am sorry._ " Olivia repeated softly, looking to Kathy, seeking forgiveness.

" _I-I'm not upset… we both saw other people._ " The blonde repeated lightly. " _I'm not mad… I just…_ "

" _Hey!_ " The were interrupted by Trevor's voice as he gently knocked on the doorframe. His face told Olivia that he'd sensed something was wrong and he'd come to save her.

" _Stabler says it's cake time and that Eli is getting fussy._ " He directed at Kathy with a half-smile and stood at the door waiting. There was no way he was leaving Olivia alone with the woman now. Especially since he could see that the brunette was basically in tears.

" _I need to go to the restroom…_ " Olivia mumbled as she excused herself and darted around Trevor and out the door and down the hall as quickly as possible with out actually breaking into a sprint.

Kathy gave him a thin smile as she stood up and went to tend to Eli.

Trevor made his way over to the bathroom door and propped himself up beside it.

" _She's gone._ " He called through the door, and a few seconds later, it opened, revealing Olivia using a wad of toilet paper to dab at her eyes.

" _I'm sorry…_ " The lawyer offered her gently. " _I was on Stabler duty, making sure he was staying away from you for the most part but I guess I was watching the wrong Stabler…_ " He said with a sympathetic smile.

Olivia sniffed and smiled at his kindness and protectiveness her.

" _It's fine._ " She said.

" _It's not._ " He insisted. " _What'd she do?_ " Trevor asked gently.

Olivia shook her head quickly.

" _Not here._ " She said, making it clear that she couldn't discuss it now at this time or in this place. He nodded in return.

" _My make-up look okay?_ " She asked as she gazed at him.

" _Beautiful as ever._ " Trevor told her with a big grin, and he received a light punch to the shoulder and an eye roll from Olivia. She knew he was lying. She could see herself in the mirror. Her face had started to look red and blotchy and her eyeliner had disappeared because of her tears.

" _After cake, we're leaving._ " She instructed as she threw the toilet paper away and headed down the hall.

" _Alrighty._ " Trevor agreed, following her and slipping his hand in hers as they descended the stairs together.

 **No mature scenes for this chapter, sorry. They just didn't fit.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Surprise update! Thank you so much for all the amazing, lovely, detailed reviews! I love them so fucking much!**

Olivia unlocked the door and walked inside, throwing her purse and keys on the kitchen counter before opening the fridge and grabbing a bottle of vodka that she'd stashed in the very back.

Trevor watched her silently as she moved around the kitchen, not bothering to grab a glass as she retreated to her room with the bottle.

The brunette put her the glass container on her night stand before unzipping the zipper on the side of her dress and shimming out of it and kicking it to the side, not caring that Trevor had followed her into her room.

She took her strapless bra off and threw it on the dresser before reaching for her sleep shorts that doubled as 'booty shorts', and tank top hanging on top of the open bathroom door. Quickly, she slipped them on before crawling under the covers and sat up, grabbing the bottle and taking a long swig and winced at the burning sensation her throat was experiencing.

" _What happened, Olivia?_ " Trevor asked as he sat down beside her on her side of the bed. He placed his hand on top of her knee and prepared to listen to what she had to say.

Olivia shook her head slightly and took another swig and her head swirled with alcohol.

" _She knows I fucked Elliot._ " She stated bluntly as her eyes watered. " _I'm so fucked._ " She whispered. " _I fucked up and fucked my partner…_ " Olivia told him silently, halfway wondering if this was the first time she'd said 'fucked' that many times at once.

" _Kathy didn't seem too upset when I came in…_ " Trevor offered, trying to sooth the woman in front of him who he was sure was going to be a crying, drunken mess soon.

Olivia shook her head as tears leaked down her face.

" _I don't know. She should be mad… she claimed she wasn't but…_ " The brunette trailed off as she sat the vodka bottle down on her side table and drew her comforter covers knees up to her chest, causing Trevor's had to slip away from her leg.

" _I heard you threaten her…_." He confessed, giving her a sympathetic look because he'd eavesdropped.

The detective shrugged. " _I knew you heard something…_ " She explained, wiping her face with her hands then wrapped her arms around her knees as she rested her chin on top of her knees. " _You came in ready to defend me, you looked too calm and not as surprised as you should have been to find us there… like you'd been listening outside the door._ "

Olivia may have been distraught, but her detective skills were still on point.

Trevor swallowed and looked away for a moment before making eye contact with her again.

" _I was trying to make sure you needed me to come in… I didn't want to stop a conversation or create a distraction if you didn't need it._ " He explained quietly. " _I didn't mean to invade your privacy… you gotta know that, Liv._ " The lawyer nearly pleaded with her.

She nodded slightly and used one hand to push a lock of now messy hair behind her ear.

" _So, you heard?_ " Olivia asked lightly, but she didn't really need to ask. It was just a formality.

Trevor nodded.

Her eyes filled with tears as she looked away.

Olivia didn't want anyone to know. If she had it her way, she wouldn't have even known. It was a memory that she wanted to forget. Bad things seem to happen to her left and right, but she couldn't say she didn't deserve it. Olivia Benson was one of those women who halfway believed in karma and in her mind, she deserved everything that she got.

After adjusting her legs in bed to where she was sitting Indian style, Olivia reached over and grabbed the vodka bottle again, taking a long swig. She'd already began to feel the effects of it.

" _I'll never tell anyone, you know that, right?_ " Trevor told her, leaning in closer to get her attention.

Olivia gave him a sad, watery smile. Her eyes were cloudy because of the vodka.

" _I'm sorry, Trevor._ " She said silently, still holding the vodka bottle in her lap.

He shook his head. " _You have nothing to be sorry for._ " He said genuinely, reaching for her hand that wasn't holding the bottle and giving it a squeeze.

" _You're amazing…_ " She said. " _I mean it._ " Olivia promised. " _You're honestly perfect. We're a good fit. You're… you're caring and loving and protective and…_ " The brunette closed her eyes tightly as tears leaked out. " _If I could control it, you'd be the one I'd fall in love with… Trevor, you're so good. You deserve so much more than this…_ " Olivia said as she opened her eyes while her face crinkled as she began to truly cry.

" _Hey…_ " Trevor cooed lightly, standing up and taking the vodka bottle from her and put it back on her night stand. Then he toed his shoes off quickly, and climbed around her body and settled into the other side of the bed with his pants and shirt still on.

" _C'mere._ " He called to her, wrapping his left arm around her shoulders as she leaned into him and cried. " _It's alright._ " Trevor soothed her as he hugged her with both arms and kissed the top of her head. " _We knew what this was when we started it, and if and when it stops, we'll still be friends._ "

Olivia pulled back slightly.

" _You promise?_ " She whispered in a throaty voice.

" _I promise._ " He said with a small smile and leaned down to kiss her lips that were wet from tears.

" _I'm sorry I'm a mess…_ " Olivia said, laughing lightly as her tears slowed. " _Bet you didn't expect this when you were fantasizing about being with Olivia Benson…_ " She told him. It wasn't a secret anymore that Trevor had liked her for a long time before this. He'd actually told her one day after she'd asked if he'd ever thought he'd be with her sexually when all they use to do was having huge fights in the squad room.

Trevor shrugged.

" _We all have baggage._ " He said. " _The only thing I was expecting, was a very sexy, brunette detective. And that's what I got._ " He told her, giving her a wide grin, causing her to halfway roll her eyes.

A beat of silence hit them as she continued to lean against him. This man was her current rock. He'd been with her through a small amount and now, he knew her biggest secrets and for some reason, he was still here.

She halfway thought about bringing up a marriage pact to him, the kind that friends make where if they haven't found anyone to marry by a certain time or age, then they agree to marry each other. But that was crazy, she'd decided not to mention it and she honestly couldn't see herself tied down and married anyways.

Olivia laid her head onto his shoulder as his left hand rubbed up and down her left arm, trying to sooth her.

" _I never really believed that there was someone out there for me…_ " She began, and Trevor remained quiet, knowing that she needed to get out whatever she was about to say, even if it was induced by vodka. " _I'd see girls at my high school that were set on finding their 'one true love' and I remember thinking how stupid it was because it wasn't true. Not everyone has someone that they're destined to be with… my mom didn't. I surely didn't. Even now, I know women who've been married once or twice but still haven't found 'the one'._ " Olivia explained.

" _But after working at SVU for a few years… I knew Elliot was the one_." She said quietly. " _I…I knew if I had to choose anyone to spend the rest of my life with, that it'd be him…._ " Olivia continued as Trevor listened attentively. " _He's everything I always wanted in a man. He's caring, loving, affectionate and protective, sometimes too protective and we fight about that but even the best people having fights sometimes, right?_ " She said, it was really a rhetorical question.

Trevor continued to rub her arm.

" _He had this perfect 'white picket fence' family, something I always wanted but never had… Elliot's smart and… and he will fight like hell for a victim. I never wanted to be taken care of by a man but he's the type of guy that would have taken care of me if I needed it._ " Olivia rambled on. " _And he has a dark past. It's kind of twisted and sick but that's kind of my favorite thing about him… we're… we're both damaged goods. He's seen darkness as a child and teenager and I had too…_ "

Trevor smiled even though she couldn't see it. He'd known Olivia was in love with Elliot the first time they'd been in bed together and she'd talked about him after her partner had come over and she'd fought with him in the living room. He could see it in her eyes and face, the way it lit up when she'd spoken of Elliot afterwards.

" _We belong together…_ " Olivia said in a watery whisper.

Then she maneuvered herself into a sitting position as she turned to face Trevor.

"' _m sorry…_ " She mumbled, running a hand through her hair. " _I don't know why I'm telling you any of this… I don't talk about my feelings and emotions like this usually._ "

" _You can talk to me about anything. You know that, we've been over it before._ " Trevor reminded her as he gently cocked his head to the side.

Olivia sniffled as she looked down at her lap and a fresh round of tears made their appearance. She couldn't help it. Her emotions were up in the air together. It must have been a mixture of being with Eli, her conversation with Kathy, and all the dark thoughts that had passed through her mind today, even though they'd been unwelcomed, and she'd tried to shake them.

…

Several hours later, Olivia awoke to a pounding headache.

After her talk with Trevor, she'd continued to drink her vodka for a bit longer, ensuring that she'd have a deep, dreamless slumber. And it had worked.

Now, she ventured out into the living room slowly, and found Trevor relaxing on the couch watching TV.

" _Hey sleepy head._ " He said with a smile once he saw her.

She groaned slightly causing him to laugh. They both knew she was hungover. It seemed to be semi-early in the morning, but they'd gone to be rather early too. Well, Olivia had. Trevor had stayed up a bit longer.

Heading to the kitchen, Olivia opened the fridge to retrieve a bottle of water, then went to the cabinet in search of some medicine for her headache.

She sat her bottle of water down on the end of the counter to open the pill bottle, but the shine of a glass bottle caught her eyes.

Digging into the trash, she pulled out not one but two empty vodka bottles and sat them both on the counter.

She knew Trevor was watching her actions.

" _I didn't drink this much last night…_ " Olivia said, confused as she looked to Trevor for answers, wondering if he had been the one to down them but from the looks of him, he hadn't.

His face was passive and calm.

" _Stabler stopped by last night…_ " He said gently, almost worried about what her reaction might be.

" _Why?_ " She asked immediately.

Trevor shrugged.

" _Said he wanted to check on you, that you'd left in a hurry and looked upset…_ " He explained. " _I told him you were fine, but he wanted to see for himself._ " He stated. " _I wasn't comfortable letting him in, so I explained that we'd had some alcohol when we got home._ "

" _We?_ " She asked, cocking an eyebrow.

" _Didn't want you to sound bad…_ " He said. " _But anyways, he asked what it was… I wouldn't tell him, figured it was none of his business._ "

Olivia nodded.

" _But he wouldn't let up?_ " She guessed, knowing her partner all too well.

" _Yeah… he started guessing. Mentioned vodka, my face must have given it away. I'm sorry._ " Trevor told her apologetically.

She shook her head quickly.

" _It's fine._ " Olivia replied. " _So, how did this happen?_ " She asked, pointing to the empty bottles that she'd sat on the counter.

Trevor swallowed hard. He remembered Elliot's exact words to him and he could have sworn he'd never seen the detective more serious in his life.

…

 **LAST NIGHT**

" _Vodka was her mother's drink, and the drink that killed her._ " Elliot had explained quickly as he stood in the doorway talking to Trevor at the entrance of the apartment. " _You can't let her have it._ " He'd said.

" _I'm not sure how well you know you're partner,_ " Trevor began, " _but you don't 'let' Olivia do anything. She does what she wants…_ " He'd told the detective.

Elliot shook his head quickly.

" _She drinks vodka when she's hurting. She drinks it to numb herself just like her mom, you've gotta get rid of it._ " Elliot explained forcefully, wanting Trevor to take him seriously. " _Take it and pour it out. Then sweep the kitchen and pour out the others that you find… can't tell her or call her on it, you just have to do it._ "

Trevor looked slightly surprised and uncomfortable.

" _I umm…_ " He stuttered but Elliot spoke again.

" _Either you let me in and I'll do it or you're doing it, but one of us is doing it. She's not going down that rabbit hole._ "

It took a moment, but Trevor finally nodded, realizing that Elliot was very serious and extremely worried about her.

" _I'll do it._ " The lawyer promised.

Elliot stared at him for a moment, as if he was trying to read him to see if he was telling the truth or telling a lie.

" _I will._ " Trevor said.

The detective nodded and took a step back as he readied himself to leave.

" _I've done it for her before._ " Elliot confessed. " _She won't be mad, and if she is, just… tell her I did it._ "

Trevor swallowed hard as he braced himself by putting his hand on the doorknob.

" _I uh… yeah… yeah, thanks for the heads up._ " He said, not really knowing what to tell the other man.

Elliot nodded and turned to head towards the elevators. He'd known there'd be a chance that Trevor was at her apartment, but he'd been willing to take the risk.

…

 **PRESENT DAY**

" _So, which one of you did it?_ " Olivia asked lightly after Trevor had told her bits and pieces of his conversation with Elliot.

He swallowed hard.

" _I did._ " He said. " _I didn't want him to come in here while you were… asleep and… well, it just didn't sit right with me._ "

Olivia nodded as she leaned down and placed the bottles back in the garbage can, then opened her water and took a swig as she downed her pill.

" _You mad?_ " He asked gently as she began to make her way over to the couch, still clad in her tank top and shorts.

" _No._ " She told him. " _You're looking out for me and I appreciate it…_ " Olivia told him softly as she straddled his sweatpants covered legs.

" _Really?_ " He asked in surprise as his hands automatically went to her hips.

She nodded again. " _I don't like that he told you something that was private to me, but I understand why he did it…_ " She said. " _But I like that you care… a lot and I like that you try to protect me and look out for me… even when I don't need it._ "

Then she laced her fingers together as she put her arms around his neck and leaned forward, rocking her hips into his on purpose.

" _In fact, I'd like to show my… appreciation…_ " Olivia whispered as she got in his face.

" _I only did it because I got worried about you…._ " He explained quietly, causing her to lean back slightly to get a good look at his face. Trevor was clearly still worried that she was not okay with what he'd done. He'd halfway thought about going out and buying her more vodka to replace her stash but if what Elliot had said was true, then that wouldn't be a good idea.

" _I know._ " She assured him. " _You care about me, you want the best for me…_ " She said as she rocked her hips into his again. " _And it's soooooo sexy…_ "

" _Hmmm…_ " Trevor ground out, meeting her thrusts with his already semi-hardened penis.

Olivia fingered the bottom of his shirt and began yanking it up and over his arms that he'd raised once he'd gotten the idea that she'd wanted him shirtless.

She took a deep breath as she ran her hands up and down his chest. The man was sexy as hell.

Trevor ran his hands over her peaked nipples that were noticeably sticking out from under her tank top.

" _Mmmhmmm…_ " She moaned as she briefly closed her eyes and bit her lips.

" _Off…_ " He whispered quickly as he ran his hands down her stomach and around her sides, slipping them under the back of her tank top. Olivia quickly lifted the shirt over her head and threw it to the side, instantly arching her back so that her chest was puffed out.

Trevor instantly knew what to do. His lips were on her left nipple instantly, sucking and nibbling at her sensitive skin.

" _Oh god, that's good._ " She said as she threaded her right hand through his hair in encouragement.

" _I know what you like…_ " He replied as he let go of her nipple with a small popping sound. Then gently sat up, pushing her ever so slightly until she got the idea that he wanted her to stand. After she was on her feet, Trevor stood as well grabbed her by wrapping his right arm around her hips, dragging her with him.

She giggled because she had an idea of what he was about to do.

Trevor stopped them as they made it to the back of the couch. He hooked his fingers in her sleep shorts and panties and began to push them down her legs, but she quickly stopped him, reaching for her pocked and retrieving the condom she'd stashed there after she'd gotten out of bed.

His eyebrows raised slightly.

" _Detective Benson… did you have ulterior motives when you came out into the living room this morning?_ " Trevor asked her huskily.

She laughed. " _Maybe…_ " She whispered as he continued to push her pants and panties down her legs. He did the same with his sweatpants as she kicked her shorts to the side.

Olivia bit her bottom lip in anticipation as she waited for him to rid himself of all his clothing, and she appreciated the fact that he hadn't worn boxers, making her wonder just what exactly he'd worn to bed since the sweat pants would have been too hot to sleep in.

Trevor grabbed the condom from her hand and quickly opened it, slipping it on to go ahead and get that part out of the way.

Once the condom was on, she gasped as he quickly turned her away from him and pushed his body up against hers. She could feel his hard on pressed against her ass and she automatically leaned forward slightly.

Trevor trailed his hands around her sides and to her front, grabbing her breasts and massaging them gently, pinching her nipples ever so slightly, causing a moan to escape from her lips.

Olivia was very muchly enjoying his hands on her body. This was what she'd needed. In fact, she'd wanted it last night, but she knew she couldn't drink vodka and have sex and she'd had to make her choice.

His hands drifted to her back as he stepped back slightly to put space between them. Trevor ran his hands up and down her back, along her spine twice. On the second time, he pushed her forward, bending her over the back of the couch.

She nearly moaned just at the position. It'd be a new one that they'd recently tried, and she'd found they'd both liked it a lot.

" _You alright?_ " He asked her gently, looking for any signs of uncomforted or hesitancy. Trevor liked to be extra careful with her since he knew she'd been previously sexually assaulted, but he didn't let on that that was the reason he always checked in with her during sex. He knew she'd hate it.

" _Hurry up._ " Was her only response. Olivia was at times impatient when it came to sex. This was one of those times.

Trevor smiled at her eagerness and used his left hand to brace himself on her lower back as he used his right hand to guide his member into her. Olivia grabbed onto the back of the couch for more support.

" _Ohhhhh…._ " Olivia moaned as he entered her slowly.

" _Jesus, Liv._ " Trevor groaned as he started to move inside.

She bit her lip and pushed her body back into his thrusts.

He was slow and sensual at first, making sure he didn't hurt her even though it'd only been a few days since they'd last had sex. Then, within minutes, he sped up to a quick pace.

It didn't take long before they were both sweaty and the only sound that could be heard in the apartment was the sound of skin slapping against skin. Moans and lustful sounds filled the room as Trevor reached his goal a little too quickly for both of their likings.

His orgasm hit him out of nowhere. He was hunched over her back, slamming into her and his body suddenly jerked, spasming unexpectedly.

" _Shit… Oh no, Fuck I… mmmm… FUCK!_ " He nearly shouted from behind her as his body continued to twitch in the midst orgasm.

Trevor held onto her tightly, and kissed her shoulder once he was done.

" _I'm sorry._ " He told her quickly as he leaned back, removing himself from inside her and backing up slightly, glancing at her bottom in front of him. Her ass was fucking perfect.

" _It's okay._ " Olivia said soft as she leaned up from the back of the couch and turned around. They both knew after he comes once, it usually took him a bit to 'recuperate' and she hadn't even gotten off yet.

Trevor was embarrassed.

" _It's not…_ " He replied.

Olivia smiled at him.

" _It is._ " She said, as she grabbed his hand and started to lead him to the bedroom. " _There's more than one way to get me off._ " Olivia told him seductively. " _Come on…_ "

…

Monday morning rolled around, and Olivia was called in to work a body dump that had been found in hospital laundry. Samantha Millerton was the vic. They traced the vehicle that dumped her body to a local residency.

Apparently, the man who owned the vehicle had died. His son, whom they met outside carrying groceries in, had inherited the home while his brother had inherited the car.

The son insisted he had his brother's address inside and went to retrieve it, but Olivia and Elliot were met with a door slammed in their face.

" _That asshole just lock us out?_ " Olivia asked, giving her partner a questioning look.

She'd showed up for work pretending that nothing had happened over the weekend, as if everything had been forgotten. Mostly because she hadn't wanted to talk about it with him but also because it was a Monday, and who doesn't hate Mondays?

Olivia wasn't sure if Elliot had caught on and agreed to play her game, or if he'd come to work with the same idea but she was glad he hadn't said anything.

" _Oh hell no._ " Elliot replied to her as he banged on the door, calling the mans name. He stepped aside to gaze in the side window just mere seconds before three bullets went flying through the door, barely missing Olivia.

They both braced themselves on either side of the doorframe as Olivia radioed for back up, then quickly readied themselves to enter the residence, guns blazing.

Elliot kicked down the door, a box fell off the book shelf and their now perp took off up the stairs, only to be quickly followed by Elliot, who threw him back down the stairs.

" _Goddamn, El._ " Olivia whispered, sending her partner a warning look as Elliot huffed to catch his breath while arresting the man they now were almost sure was guilty of murdering and raping their vic.

" _You busted my head open!_ " The man yelled.

" _You almost blew ours off!_ " Elliot shot back.

" _What do we have here?_ " Olivia asked, taking out plastic gloves and slipping them on before digging into the box that had fallen on the floor and come open.

It was filled with small odd and end items. Each could easily be recognized as a 'trophy' from a previous rape and kill victim of the perpetrator.

Olivia held up a bracelet made out of bottle caps.

" _Looks like Samantha's bracelet._ " She commented. " _And there's an ivory bracelet, a ring, a watch, a broach, lace handkerchief… wow._ " Olivia said as she observed the items in the box. " _Son-of-a-bitch… he's a serial killer…_ " She whispered, looking at her partner as she finally connected the dots.

…

Back at the precinct, Olivia and Elliot were actually enjoying going at Jason, their newest perp. This was one of the rare occasions where they were able to double-team him rather easily. They could already tell that the young man was nervous. Probably not very good at hiding things.

To be honest, Olivia was starting to wonder if he was the actual rapist/killer… his personality traits and demeanor didn't match up for it.

" _Several of the trophy's look like they're from old ladies…_ " Olivia said, walking around his chair. She bent down and got in his face. " _Do you like diddling grandma's?_ " The brunette asked, her eyes fierce and her nose flaring. She'd be lying if she said this was one of the parts of her job that she didn't like. She actually thoroughly enjoyed interrogating slimy men like Jason.

" _Allan and Joan forever…_ " Elliot read off of the wedding band. " _Well, you made sure that didn't happen…_ " He commented.

" _I-I didn't… kill… a-anyone…_ " Jason stuttered, not looking at either of the detectives.

" _You sure did a good job trying to take us out with your 357_ " Elliot quickly shot back, bracing himself on the table in front of them. He was still a bit pissed that he'd been shot at. It was only Monday morning and it wasn't even past 10:30 yet and someone had already tried to kill him this week…

They continued terrorizing him with threats of life in prison or the death penalty. Olivia threw around a chair, making a loud sound as it hit the ground to Jason's left. She sat down as Elliot did the same with a chair on Jason's right.

" _Do yourself a favor…_ " Elliot said gently, using one of his interrogation tactics. " _Tell us everything and the DA might just cut you a deal…_ " He fakely reasoned with him.

Olivia remained in Jason's immediate vicinity, her right arm relaxed on the back of his chair. The man was sweating, and she was watching him closely, applying peer pressure as Elliot worked.

After a few beats of silence Elliot continued his tactic.

" _You wanna rot in prison for the rest of your life? You got it!_ " Elliot yelled loudly, nearly spitting on their perp. Olivia didn't even flinch. She knew his games and the tools he used in interrogation just as he knew hers.

" _You can't put me back in prison!_ " Jason yelled as he stood up, quickly denying that any of the trophies were his.

Olivia and Elliot grabbed him at the same time and forced him to sit back down.

The pair hadn't worked this well together in a while. Olivia was generally happy that they were doing so well and were so in sync. Well, at least at work they were, if you didn't count the last case.

Elliot was about to speak again but Cragen opened the door, interrupting them.

" _You got a minute, detectives?_ " He asked sternly, they could both tell something was going on.

Silently, they each removed themselves from their chairs, placed the chairs back at the sides of the table, and exited the room, following their captain's lead.

" _You mind telling me what's going on?_ " Cragen asked them forcefully, once the interrogation door was shut. " _You know you can't interview a perp that just tried to kill you._ " He explained.

Olivia looked surprised and Elliot looked annoyed.

They knew something else must be up. They'd each interviewed several people that'd tried to kill them before. IAB didn't necessarily like it and at times required the perp to be re-interviewed but for the most part, it was doable.

" _Well, he's not a risk now…_ " Elliot said, maybe a bit too quickly.

" _Because you punished him by cracking his skull?_ " Cragen asked, pointedly looking at Elliot, who turned around and retreated towards Olivia for fear of the captain seeing him roll his eyes.

" _He got that during the chase._ " Olivia said, covering for her partner. " _It was good. Everything was by the book._ " She promised.

Elliot's heart nearly swelled at the devotion he had from his partner, but he'd do the same for her and she knew it.

" _You are not cleared for duty._ " Cragen said, still speaking to Elliot as the older man grabbed his detective's arm and jerked him back so he could see his face. Elliot's demeanor changed immediately.

Previously, he was just annoyed, but his captain had put his hands on him, something Cragen hadn't done in a long time and he'd had no warning that it was coming either.

Defensively, Elliot yanked out of Cragen's grasp, almost struggling, causing himself to fall into the opposite wall as his heartbeat sped up and his eyes dilated.

Olivia picked up on what was happening but Cragen seemed to think it was his detective rebelling against him.

" _Neither of you are cleared until you've seen Huang for your mandatory psych evals!_ " Their captain said forcefully as he looked to Olivia, pointing at her as well, while Elliot quickly exited the hallway and headed for the cribs.

" _Am I understood?_ " Cragen asked Olivia, not even caring to deal with what he thought was Elliot's temper at the moment.

" _Yes, Cap._ " She promised him and nodded.

Cragen nodded in return and headed for his office as he signaled for Fin to head into interrogation with their perp.

Olivia took a deep breath as she returned to the squad room, her eyes searched for Elliot, but she didn't find him. She knew he'd most likely be on the roof or in the cribs. Wanting to avoid extra stairs, she decided she'd check the cribs first.

Opening the door, she saw that it was dark, which wasn't surprising. It always was dark in the cribs.

There was a dark form sitting against the wall on the floor that her eyes could make out due to the small amount of sunlight coming through one of the windows where the blinds were broken. She heard huffs of breath trying to be taken and panicked breathing.

Shit. He was having a panic attack.

" _El?_ " Olivia called softly, decided not to turn the light on as she shut the door behind her.

His knees were drawn up to his chest and he had one hand on each knee, gripping them tightly.

Olivia quickly made her way to him and sat down on her knees in front of him.

" _Hey…_ " She said softly, as she put her hands-on top of his and squeezed gently. " _It's just a panic attack, it's alright. It'll be over soon._ " She promised him. Olivia could see his eyes glistening in the dim lighting. He was crying but she was pretty positive it was due to the panic attack.

" _Try to take deep breaths with me…._ " She instructed as she emphasized breathing deeply, then blowing the air out. " _Focus on solid items._ " Olivia reminded him. " _The bed…_ " She said as she patted the bed beside them. " _It's solid. The floor is solid._ " There actually weren't many solid items in the room to focus on.

" _That's it…_ " She cooed as his breathing finally slowed.

Olivia gave him a small smile as he sat up straighter and wiped his face with his hands before pulling himself up all together and going to sit on one of the bottom bunks. He continued to sniffle.

She got up as well and sat down beside him, handing him a tissue from her pocket.

" _You turn me in?_ " He asked silently as he used the tissue to wipe his face and refused to make eye contact with her.

" _What?_ " Olivia asked as her eyes went wide. She was genuinely confused at what he was asking her.

" _You tell Cragen I was… assaulted by Camille and now he's demanding I get a psych eval done?_ " He asked again. There was no anger in his voice, just sadness and slight embarrassment from having his panic attack.

" _No._ " Olivia said quickly. " _I'd never… and he's requiring us both to get one._ " She replied, turning her body more towards his so she could look at him better. " _What happened… unless you've told anyone else… I'm the only one that knows._ " She promised him. Then she looked down and grabbed his left hand in her right one and gently held it.

They weren't supposed to be doing this. They'd stopped getting personal and close.

Elliot swallowed hard, but his hand remained in hers. He nodded his thanks to her as they continued to sit there.

" _I know you were upset with me for a while after Sealview… because you knew something happened in the basement and I wouldn't tell you, I kept denying it…_ " Olivia said as she looked at him. " _I couldn't tell you for a really long time, and you know most of it now but, this was why I couldn't… the feelings you're having now…_ " She tried to explain to him as he looked at her with a mixture of sadness and realization on his face.

" _Guilt, anger, embarrassment…_ " She continued. " _Everything you're feeling now, I felt it… so, I get what you're feeling, and it sucks, it really does._ " Olivia said.

All Elliot could do was nod.

" _Shit._ " He said lowly, squeezing her hand. " _I'm sorry if I ever made you feel bad about it._ "

Olivia gave him a genuine smile. " _It's alright._ " She said. " _Listen…_ " She trailed off as she took a deep breath. " _I know we've been cutting back on personal shit and getting too touchy-feely and all but…_ " She continued, and Elliot suddenly wondered if he should be letting go of her hand instead of holding it. " _You know I'm always here for you right?_ " She looked at him with worried eyes.

" _Yeah._ " He said, giving her a small smile and squeezing her hand again.

" _We were trying to get away from each other I know… but if you seriously need me, if there's something wrong…. I know you don't like showing your feelings and emotions in front of anyone but for a little while there I thought you had gotten comfortable with me and-_ "

" _I was… I am._ " Elliot said, cutting her off and letting go of her hand only so he could turn his entire body towards her and pull his left leg on top of the bed to completely fact her. " _I am comfortable with you, Liv._ " He stressed. " _I only backed off because you made me. This was your choice. You wanted to put distance between us…_ " Elliot reminded her lightly.

" _Okay…_ " She said softly as she sniffled and looked at the floor between her feet. " _But this is too much distance, El._ "

High emotions had seemed to transfer from Elliot to Olivia now, as she was the one getting emotional.

" _Alright…_ " He whispered as he shifted himself until he was laying down on the tiny bottom bunk. " _C'mere…_ " Elliot called lightly, grabbing her arm and tugging on it until she was fully snuggled up into his left side. His left hand was halfway wrapped around her body and he turned sideways a bit, so he could see her.

Olivia buried her face into the crook of his neck and left shoulder, then she began to lightly sob, making sure to keep her sounds in check just in case.

" _Woah… hey…._ " Elliot called to her lightly as he tightened his grip on her and added his right arm. " _Where's this coming from?_ " He asked gently.

" _I… I just miss you so fucking much._ " She told him in a ragged breath as she curled her left arm around his chest tighter.

Elliot huffed as he held her closely with both arms wrapped around her. She still smelled good, she smelled like Olivia and whatever body wash the woman always used.

" _I miss you too._ " He whispered.

Trying to play it coy and not being close and personal wasn't working for either of them. It was too painful.

Olivia couldn't bring herself to tell Elliot of the knowledge she'd gained about his personal life while being at his house. At least not now.

They stayed like this for several more minutes. Olivia enjoyed the feel of his arms around her, it was something she craved on a regular basis. She loved his cologne, the one he always used, probably for a long time now, or at least ever since she'd known him.

They'd both faltered today, there was no denying it. The 'let's not get too personal' bullshit had basically gone out the window when Elliot had been attacked on the last case.

After Olivia's tears had finally slowed, she sat up and maneuvered herself to the edge of the bed. Taking another tissue out of her pocket to use for herself.

Elliot propped himself up on his left side and watched her ready her features to face the squad room again.

" _We need to get back out there._ " She said as she dabbed the tissue at her eyes, trying to fix her make up even though she didn't have a mirror.

" _Liv?_ " He called to her, causing her to look back at him.

" _You know we can do this, right?_ " Elliot asked her calmly.

" _Do what?_ " She questioned, almost scared to ask what he'd meant.

" _Be close friends… comfort each other, hold each other when shit hits the fan._ " He said, then swallowed hard as he watched for warning signs that she was about to reject him. " _I can hold myself back… it's not like I'm going to jump you…_ " He concluded, and Olivia let out a small laugh.

" _Yeah, well…_ " She said as she glanced around the room. " _I can't make any promises…_ " Olivia replied, joking about how she couldn't promise that she wouldn't jump him.

Elliot knew what she was doing. She was deflecting with humor.

" _I'm being serious…_ " He said.

Olivia shook her head lightly in acknowledgment.

" _You need to see someone._ " She said softly and then glanced back at him from her original posture of facing away from him. " _For the assault. I… I know it seems small and you think everything's fine but… it's gonna kick your ass when you least expect it… kinda like it did with Cragen earlier…_ "

She'd known it was anxiety with a touch of PTSD by the way Elliot had reacted to Cragen's surprise touch. Plus, it wasn't like their captain to handle his detectives like that unless the situation was serious and in her eyes, this wasn't one of those times.

" _There's something I wanna tell you._ " Elliot stated as she continued to face him.

Now, Olivia was worried again. She moved her body until she had both knees laying sideways on the bed, so she was close to him and could read his face. She sometimes hated how dim this room was simply because she and Elliot had so many serious conversations up here.

She swallowed hard and tried not to panic, but deep down she worried that it had to do with Kathy.

" _Remember a few months ago when you told me you thought I had depression?_ " He asked quietly.

" _Yeah._ " Olivia responded instantly, wondering where this conversation was going.

" _Well, I do._ " He said in a small voice, clearly trying to embrace the mental illness that he was diagnosed with instead of being ashamed of it, but it wasn't easy.

" _Oh, Elliot…_." Olivia sympathized. She took her previous position against his body, but this time she was hugging him, it was a hug that he gladly accepted.

Elliot rested his head in her neck and took a deep breath, allowing her to comfort him.

" _I went and saw a guy… got a reference for a psychiatrist…. then got diagnosed and got set up with a psychologist that I see once or twice a month._ " He mumbled into her shoulder.

She pulled back gently, and they were face-to-face in each other's arms.

" _You get some meds?_ " Olivia asked him, even though she was pretty sure that's what the pill bottles were that she had seen on his dresser.

" _Yeah… one for anxiety and one for depression._ " He explained as his hands encircled her waist.

" _Good._ " She commented.

Their heads were laying on the pillow and their faces were just inches apart.

" _This is why we can't be close friends…_ " Olivia whispered.

" _Why?_ " He whispered back.

" _Because I want to kiss you right now._ "

Elliot smiled.

" _You have my permission._ " He said.

" _No._ " Olivia replied. " _I can't._ "

" _Why?_ " He asked again.

" _Because the only woman that should be kissing you is your wife._ " Olivia stated bluntly, giving him the opportunity to tell her about his divorce papers and possibly give her more information about it that she desperately wanted but didn't have.

But he didn't take her bait.

" _If you won't kiss me, can I kiss you?_ " He asked.

She laughed.

He smiled.

Olivia shook her head no.

" _Why?_ " He asked again.

At this point, he was starting to sound like a small child that had just learned the word 'why' and asked it about everything.

" _Because Trevor is the only man who's supposed to be kissing me…_ " She said gingerly and Elliot had refrain from scoffing at her.

" _Seriously, though…_ " She started. " _I'm glad you're seeing someone. Keep going, tell them about Camille…_ " Olivia instructed. " _I've been there. I've had depression and taken meds…_ " She confessed, even though when they'd talked about it previously when she suspected he was depressed, she'd given it away that she'd had experience in that category.

" _Did they help?_ " He asked honestly. Elliot's eyes nearly burned holes into hers. He wasn't sure how long ago it was, or if she still took the meds but he knew one thing for sure; she wasn't happy now.

" _Yeah. I'm still, here aren't I?_ " She said.

Olivia had meant it as a joke, but she realized it was a bit too honest when the look on his face changed and became more morbid and saddened.

" _I'm fine._ " She quickly added. " _I'm good, Elliot. Everything is okay, and it will be with you too._ " She told him as her left hand massaged his right shoulder through his dress shirt that was probably starting to wrinkle from staying in bed too long now.

During their talk, their faces had managed to somehow get closer.

Elliot continued to stare at her and her words and confession weighed on him heavily. So heavily, that he was worried he wouldn't be able to keep his shit together for much longer. Right now, he guessed months but who knew how long he'd be able to hold out.

His love for his partner was winning over and his life at home was slowly pushing him towards her, only, he couldn't be with Olivia or even go to her. So, for the past few weeks, he'd been spending various nights in the cribs. He hadn't told anyone, and he'd made it a point to keep an unusual amount of spare clothing in his locker. The only one who did know was Kathy.

" _Olivia?_ " Elliot called as his right hand moved from her hip and threaded through her hair.

" _Yes?_ " She asked wearily.

" _I'm going to kiss you now._ " He told her, giving her time to back out but he had to try.

Elliot needed her lips on his. He needed to taste her again. It'd been so long and he longer to feel her skin against his.

" _Okay._ " She whispered.

And that was it. They both closed their eyes as their lips locked. Olivia even met him halfway.

It felt so good, so incredibly good.

She couldn't help it. Her instincts took over her body and her lips parted, granting him access inside, which he gladly took.

Their tongues swirled together as she fought for dominance. Elliot may have been the one to finally initiate this, but she was taking over. Her hands made their way to the side of his face and back of his head, holding him closely as she moaned into his mouth.

" _Jesu-_ " He started as they pulled apart, but her mouth was on his again before he could even get a word out.

She threw her left leg over his right one, bringing his right leg in between hers as she rocked back and forth while kissing him.

" _Shit, Liv._ " Elliot ground out as he took another breath. " _Thought he was keepin' you satisfied?_ " He questioned, referring to Trevor but his comment just fueled her on.

" _Shut up…_ " She huffed out. " _I just… just need…_ " Olivia mumbled, undoing her belt and the button on her pants to give herself access to her core. She wanted release while she was in Elliot's presence. That's all.

But she was too slow, and Elliot was quicker.

He saw what she was trying to do, and he beat her to it. As soon as the button on her pants was undone, his hand darted inside, to the inside of her silky panties, straight down to the wetness between her legs.

" _Uhhhhh…_ " Olivia moaned lowly as her mouth hung open when his fingers made contact with her bundle of nerves.

" _Good god, you're dripping…_ " He commented as he started to rub his hand in a circular motion. She nearly hissed at him from the contact as her eyes slammed shut.

" _Oh fuck…_ " She said as she began to grind her hips into his hand and braced herself by grabbing onto his shoulders with both hands.

He slipped two fingers inside her as he continued the circular motion with the palm of his hand and let the pad of his thumb massage the top of her mound.

" _Oh shitttt…_ " Olivia moaned as she closed her eyes and tilted her head down on the pillow. " _Ellll…_." She whined, and he sped up the pace.

Within seconds she was falling apart in his arms. Olivia shoved her head into his shoulder as she grunted, and her hips bucked, then slowed to jerkily convulsing as her orgasm hit. It was a good one. Strong and fairly lengthy. It had nothing to do with when she'd last had sex, obviously since it had been yesterday, but everything to do with the man whose hand was between her legs.

Her hips slowed to a halt and her grip on his shoulder lighted up.

After Elliot removed her hand, she laid flat on her back next to him, breathing rapidly as she caught her breath.

" _Shouldn't have done that…_ " She said in a breathy voice as she continued to huff.

" _I enjoyed it._ " He replied easily as he wiped off his hand using the tissue that she'd given him when she first entered the room. He'd stuck it in his pocket in case he'd needed it later in the day. He had no idea that he'd need it so soon.

" _Doesn't mean it's right…_." Olivia told him seriously even though she thoroughly enjoyed what they'd just done, and she'd be thinking about it for at least the next couple of days.

She could see his hardon in his pants out of the corner of her eye.

Her clothing was still in place and everything was fine except her shirt was untucked in the front and her pants were still unbuckled and unbuttoned. " _We gotta stop._ " She told him, turning her head to the right and looking him dead in the eye.

Elliot narrowed his eyes at her in question. There was something in her voice that raised red flags for him.

" _Elliot, she knows._ " Olivia said.

 **Thoughts?**


	20. Chapter 20

**Thanks for all of the wonderful reviews and keep them coming!**

As it turns out, Jason wasn't their main rapist/murderer. They weren't even sure if he was good for Samantha's murder.

The trophies they'd found were years old. Many years. So old that Jason's alibi was simply that he hadn't been born. Fin had gotten a hit on the wedding ring. Joan, the woman the ring had been taken from was now in her sixties.

Olivia was tasked with visiting Joan Arliss while Cragen sent Elliot to get his head shrinked. After him, Olivia was sure to be next, so she made the most of her time by visiting Joan instead of phoning her.

Vivian Arliss met the brunette detective at the door. Olivia quickly learned that Joan had advanced Alzheimer's. She stayed asleep most of the time but even if she had been awake, she wouldn't have been able to answer Olivia's questions appropriately.

The slightly older woman felt bad for Vivian. It was clear to see that she was a recovering addict. Her demeanor gave her away.

The blonde was confused when Olivia explained that she had needed to ask her mother about her wedding ring. Joan was clearly wearing one.

Olivia suggested that she'd probably bought it after her original one was stolen.

" _Huh._ " Vivian said. " _That's weird. She never mentioned it to me…_ " She pondered. " _Boy, you robbery cops never give up do you? Why did you go through all the trouble to track her down?_ " The blonde wondered, sounding like she'd had a run in with some robbery cops herself in the past.

The detective's face clouded with confusion. She realized she hadn't introduced herself as SVU, just NYPD.

A light bulb instantly clicked in Olivia's head. Vivian didn't know about the rape. Olivia tried to recover quickly.

" _I… I think I've made a mistake. I've taken up enough of your time._ " The brunette said as she gave the other woman a small fake smile and headed to the door.

Olivia nearly jogged down the front steps and across the street to her car. Vivian followed her closely. The woman could tell something was wrong, something had happened.

She poked and prodded Olivia until the brunette finally caved, telling the blonde that she was with SVU, her mother's ring had been recovered in a recent rape/murder case, and that her mother had actually been assaulted in February of 1970.

The detective closed her eyes tightly and leaned her back side against the car door as she listened to Vivian hash out the timeline in her head.

" _I was born in November of 1970…_." Vivian whispered. She'd finally connected the dots and Olivia looked at her in sadness and guilt. As soon as Olivia realized the situation, she'd tried to leave but now Vivian had figured it out.

Her son came around the corner and threw a ball in her direction, but she batted it away and yelled swear words at him as she stomped up the steps and slammed the door behind her as she entered the home.

" _What the fuck did you do to my mom?!_ " He yelled at her and Olivia quickly did a double take, not expecting such language to come from a child his age.

" _Well?_ " He said as she continued to stare at him in disbelief. " _The hell did you do?!_ " The boy halfway yelled again.

The brunette narrowed her eyes at him as she walked over to him.

" _Your mom just got some bad news, she'll be alright._ " Olivia lied. She knew Vivian would probably never be okay again since she'd just found out that she was a rape baby. " _But you shouldn't be talking like that… especially to cops._ " She said, giving him a look of warning.

" _You're a cop?_ " He asked, genuinely surprised.

Olivia nodded and continued to look at him, taking in his skinny appearance.

" _Where's your uniform?_ " He questioned, looking up at her with wide eyes.

" _I'm a detective, we don't usually wear uniforms. What's your name?_ " Olivia asked curiously.

" _Calvin._ " The boy answered quietly.

Olivia nodded.

" _I'm gonna go check on your mom._ " She told him as he grabbed his basket ball and began to walk down the block. Olivia had heard the back-door slam as well so she entered the yard through the side gate and headed around back.

She saw Vivian sitting on a bench with a freshly opened beer and the rest of the six pack was sitting beside her.

Olivia walked over quickly.

" _Vivian!_ " She said. " _Please, please don't break your sobriety over this!_ " The brunette begged the blonde.

Olivia gently walked over and took the beer can and pill bottle from the blonde woman. They argued back and forth for a moment. Vivian talking about her newly found role as a child of rape, she explained how now, her childhood made sense. Her mother treated her like shit and never loved her, she could barely stand to look at her.

The detective may have not been willing to spill her guts about her past to Camille, but she told Vivian. She explained how her mother had treated her similarly, and how they were one in the same. Olivia even went into detail a bit about the fights she had with her mom.

But then she began to tell Vivian how she dealt with it the best she could, how her job was her saving grace and helped her understand her mother and her biological father more than she could have ever hoped.

" _My father… wasn't even my real father… I don't even think he knew. If he did, he never showed it…_ " The blonde stated.

Olivia shook her head quickly.

" _He was your real father, Vivian. The man that raised you, took care of you, loved you, he was your real father._ " She tried to comfort the other woman as she sat down beside her on the bench. " _I would have given anything to have a man like that in my life when I was growing up._ " Olivia confessed.

Vivian took a moment to compose herself as she wiped her eyes and tried to fix her hair.

" _And you… you said that you captured him? The man that raped my mom?_ " She asked Olivia.

The brunette shook her head lightly. She explained that the perp they had in mind for the crime was deceased and she had been hoping to show Joan a picture of him, so she could identify him, and they could close the case.

Vivian then demanded Olivia tell her exactly how it happened, how her mother was raped, when and where, and all the details. The detective agreed but gave her an extremely watered-down version of what they knew. She didn't care to traumatize Vivian anymore than she already had been, and Olivia was fairly certain that Joan wouldn't have wanted her daughter to know the details either.

The blonde jumped up and began to pace around the yard.

" _Wandering around late at night near Barnard in the 1970s… what was she thinking…_ " Vivian mumbled to herself as she crossed her arms over her chest in a defensive manner.

" _It wasn't her fault._ " Olivia stressed, but then thought about what the woman had said. " _Wait…_ " she said. " _Was your mother a student there?_ " Olivia asked quickly.

Vivian half-way shrugged.

" _She never graduated. Dropped out when she got pregnant with me…_ " The blonde explained, then began to stalk off, hoping Olivia could see herself out. " _Just another reason to hate me…_." She mumbled as she entered the house.

Olivia stood in silence for a moment, shocked by her own thoughts. Her mother had been a student as well. Her mother's rape had been in the time frame that Joan's rapist had been active…. She shook her head slightly. It couldn't be true.

Next up was Huang's office where Elliot would be finishing up and promised to wait for her. She told Huang her thoughts. Of course, he thought she was projecting her feelings and emotions onto Vivian. He also thought she was being irrational.

…

" _You're crazy as hell, you know that?_ " Elliot exclaimed as Olivia opened the passenger side door and ducked into the car.

She shrugged at him and restrained from rolling her eyes.

" _Funny… Huang basically just told me the same thing…_ "

Elliot gave her an unimpressed look as she buckled her seatbelt and he began to drive.

" _You tell me Kathy knows about us then bolt out of the room?_ " He said sternly, as if he was getting onto a child who'd done something wrong.

" _You heard Fin coming._ " She told him, looking his way. " _I'm just lucky I was able to hop up and buckle my pants before he got through the door…._ " And Fin still suspected something had happened in the cribs… which it had. The detective was spot on with his suspicions, but he'd let them go. Cragen had ordered him to find Benson and Stabler and give them their orders – Elliot was to go to Huang and Olivia was to go to see Joan Arliss.

Elliot swallowed hard and chose not to comment on her statement.

" _How does she know?_ " He asked as calmly as possible, glancing over at her as he drove.

Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly. She didn't want to have this conversation with Elliot. Now wasn't the time. She'd just found out that she and Vivian could have possibly been half-sisters, on top of her literally just wrecking another woman's life in almost the worst way.

" _She said you both saw people during the separation and fooled around… she put the dots together Elliot… Kathy's not stupid. Everyone in our squad can see our chemistry… of course, Kathy could too._ " She said almost exasperated.

Turning her head to her right side, she propped it up on her hand after resting her elbow on the window sill. Olivia let out a long sigh, she had a lot on her mind.

Elliot's face tightened, he clinched his jaws as he focused on the road, or tried to rather.

" _That's why you were upset Saturday?_ " He asked, sneaking a glance at her even though most of her face was turned away from him.

" _Yeah…_ " She whispered as her mind drifted to silently wondering just how old Calvin was and how it would be to have nieces and nephews that she actually saw every now and then…

Elliot swallowed hard and if she had been looking at him, she would have seen him turn pale. He pulled into an alley and put the car in park, needing a minute to breathe and sort through the information that Olivia was telling him.

After a moment, she realized what he'd done and where they were. She looked over at him in confusion.

" _I'm gonna lose Eli…_ " He whispered as he stared straight ahead, and Olivia finally realized that he was panicking. Going over it in her mind, she probably should have stayed and talked to him after she'd dropped that bomb on him. Not only was it a pretty big ordeal, but he'd just had a panic attack just minutes before she'd told him. Stupid, Olivia.

" _Breathe._ " She instructed strongly, reaching over with her left hand and grabbing his right.

She hopped this wouldn't become regular thing, these moments of panic for him. She wouldn't be able to handle having to touch him and comfort him all the time.

Elliot turned his head and looked at her with wide, glassy eyes.

" _She knows I've been fucking you, Olivia!_ " He said strongly. " _My wife knows that I've been fucking around with you, that I've basically been having an affair…_ " Elliot said. " _I'm gonna lose my kid. She'll take him and… and…_ "

" _No._ " Olivia insisted strongly.

" _Whether I'm fucking you with my dick, my tongue, or my fingers, it's still fucking, Liv!_ " Elliot told her, thinking she was about to argue with him over the affair. " _It's still cheating._ "

She shook her head quickly.

" _I meant you're not losing Eli and Kathy's not doing anything to you… at least not right now._ " Olivia stressed.

" _She tell you that? What else did she say?_ " He asked eagerly.

" _Use your skills, detective…_ " Olivia prompted. " _She obviously didn't tell you that she knew, which means she's waiting to see what I'll do, if I'll tell you… AND…_ " Olivia stressed. " _She only knows we slept together ONCE while you two were divorcing._ "

Elliot swallowed hard again. He was starting to sweat.

" _You sure?_ " He asked hesitantly.

Olivia shrugged.

" _She didn't mention anything else and… to be honest, she didn't seem too upset._ " She promised him, squeezing his hand that she was still holding. " _Just give it some time, it'll probably blow over. If she doesn't bring it up, then don't mention it and just act normal… like I haven't said anything about it to you._ "

In fairness, Olivia had had a little more time to digest this info than her partner. She'd talked it over with Trevor more and she'd thought about it long and hard. She'd come to the conclusion that her 'boyfriend' had been right. Kathy hadn't seemed upset, not like wives do when they figure out their husbands had been cheating.

The blonde hadn't cried, yelled, thrown things, or been angry. If anything, she looked exasperated and as if she'd already accepted what her husband had done. Part of that had obviously been because she'd seen other men too during the separation/divorce. Or at least that's what she'd told Olivia and apparently Elliot.

Elliot bit his lip and looked down.

" _Trevor even said she seemed fine so… and he's an attorney, he's good at reading people…_ " Olivia tried to soothe his fears. She'd fight tooth and nail for his son, that's one battle that she'd never lose. He was going to be able to see his son and have access to him. Olivia wouldn't be able to forgive herself if he lost that right because of her. Truthfully, they should have thought about this before they started their affair…

Elliot's eyes shot to hers relatively quickly.

" _Trevor was in on this conversation?_ " He questioned, raising his eyebrow and looking slightly surprised. " _So, you, my wife, and lover boy were just chit-chatting about how we fucked, huh?_ " Elliot said as his anger began to show.

She shook her head quickly.

" _I didn't just bring him for arm candy Elliot!_ " She said loudly into the car as she jerked her hand away from his. " _I brought him for back up._ " Olivia explained, preparing herself for the full extent of Elliot's anger to appear at any moment.

" _Back up for what?_ " He asked as he half-way laughed at her.

Their eyes met again, and she remained quiet and motionless. Olivia was never one to admit she was weak.

Realization covered Elliot's face as his smiled from his temporary laughter faded.

" _From me?_ " He asked in astonishment. " _You brought lover boy to keep me away from you?_ "

She narrowed her eyes at him, warning him to tread very carefully with his next few words but he didn't head her warning.

Elliot let out another sarcastic, disbelieving laugh.

" _You've gotta be kiddin' me._ " He said as he brought his right hand up and caressed his day-old stubble. Elliot looked around the alley through the car windows. " _What?_ _You think I was gonna bend you over the table and fuck you in front of my wife?_ " He stated as he looked back at her.

" _Stop._ " She whispered.

" _What? I can't control myself so obviously I was gonna fuck you on the bathroom counter when Kath was outside with the kids and Eli? No, no, maybe I was gonna fuck you while she was in the kitchen in the next room…?_ " Elliot continued. " _You needed Trevor there, so I wouldn't try to make a move when my wife wasn't looking? Jesus, Liv, I'm not that desperate…_ "

She shook her head quickly, as if trying to get the images to leave her mind.

" _Fuck you…_ " She whispered harshly as she opened her door and left the vehicle, slamming the door behind her, not willing to tell him that Trevor was mostly there because of her, to keep her from doing something stupid and to keep her grounded around all the kids when she'd just lost one recently herself.

Olivia could hear him open his door, but she didn't bother looking behind her.

" _I'll walk back to the station… or catch a cab._ " She yelled back at him as she glanced towards the sky. It wasn't supposed to rain today, was it?

" _Liv!_ "

She heard his hurried footsteps behind her and she tried to will him with her mind to return back to the car. It didn't work.

" _Olivia!_ " He yelled and suddenly he was right next to her, his hand on her right shoulder pulling her back so she could face him. Instead, she pulled away violently and ended up with her back against the brick wall.

" _Leave me alone!_ " she yelled at him.

He looked surprised to see the tears streaming down her face. His features instantly showed concern.

Olivia tried to get away from him once more, but he was too quick. He grabbed her upper arms and held her in place. She didn't fight him, she was too exhausted and too tired. He had this pull over her.

Elliot Stabler could ask her to walk through fire for him and she'd probably do it, after all, she loved the man.

" _Hey!_ " He said loudly to get her attention, forcing her to make eye contact with him as he still gripped her upper arms. " _I care about you!_ " He said loudly as light rain drops began to fall. " _I care about you, I care about my son, and I…I care about my wife…_ " Elliot stressed. " _It's… it's fucked up, I know._ " He said as he loosened his grip on her arms slightly.

Olivia couldn't help but continue to let her tears fall. The man in front of her was slowly breaking and it'd been her doing.

He licked his lips before continuing.

" _You asked me to step back and I did. You needed distance and I gave it to you._ " Elliot explained. " _I… what we… this morning, it was consensual right? I mean, I know I pushed you but… I thought I gave you room to stop me and I-_ "

" _Yes! God, yes!_ " Olivia told him strongly, cutting him off before he could go any further. She couldn't bear the thought of him believing he'd done something that she'd not wanted. It… it wasn't really possible… he had her consent, almost always, and if he didn't, she let him know. And she had no doubt in her mind that if she said no, he'd back off instantly.

He shook his head as he hung it low.

" _This is on me, Olivia._ " Elliot told her as he looked back up at her now reddening, watery eyes. " _This affair, it's on me._ " He repeated and dropped his hands from her body.

" _No._ " She whispered. All the sudden she wished his hands were back on her. She missed his warmth.

Elliot just nodded.

" _I'm the one who fucked you while wearing my ring. I knew I had kids and a wife at home… whatever Kathy is going to do, it's on me. I deserve it and… and I'll make sure she doesn't touch you. None of this is going to fall on you._ " He promised her.

Her throat was dry, and it began to actually rain now, not just sprinkle. The drops landed in her brown hair, dampening it. The rain blended in with her tears.

" _Us._ " Olivia said in a throaty voice. " _It's on both of us._ "

Elliot swallowed hard and clinched his jaw again. If his wife was going to call him on his shit, he'd take it. He did the crime, so he'd do the time, whatever that may be.

In this moment, Olivia wanted to just scream at him 'we had a child!' at the top of her lungs. She wanted him to know, needed him to know the pain she'd been through and what had happened. She wanted him to know that they'd created life together, an amazing little girl who didn't make it, that Eli had had a big sister.

But she couldn't, and she wouldn't. It would be a secret that she would keep for as long as she could bare it.

Elliot shook his head and looked down.

" _I swear, we're like fire and gasoline half the time…_ " He whispered.

This made her smile a bit even though her eyes continued to still water and now her hair was almost completely soaked.

They could fight like cats and dogs, and if they were actually together, or fucking at least, then they'd probably have some pretty amazing make-up sex.

" _I'm sorry I complicated everything for us…_ " He said as he looked back up at her.

Olivia shook her head again.

" _We._ " She corrected. " _We made everything complicated…_ " She explained as she tried not to begin crying again.

" _I don't regret it._ " Elliot said with a shrug, looking around the alley that he'd pulled into. " _I don't regret anything we've done, Liv._ " He promised her.

There'd been a lot said and a lot left to say. She was overly emotional, too many things on her mind hitting home right now and who knew what Elliot was feeling, especially since he'd just found out his wife knew that he fucked his partner. And he wasn't even aware of everything that Kathy was.

His demeaner changed, as if he'd become calmer and relaxed instantly.

Olivia could read him, she could tell he was about to do something or say something.

" _Olivia…_ " He began, looking up and staring into her eyes.

She swallowed.

" _Elliot…_ " She warned, fearing what was about to come out of his mouth.

" _I-_ "

" _El!_ " Olivia cut him off quickly as her tears mixed with drops of rain still, it was getting colder quickly, and the rain was becoming heavy. They could practically hear it hitting everything around them. And they were now soaked.

He winced at the sound of her commanding him to stop talking, but he was going to get this out of his system.

" _I…_ " Elliot began again.

" _Please don't._ " She begged as a small sob ripped from her throat.

" _I love you._ " He told her softly.

*slap*

Elliot's head was forced sideways as the hit was thrown. He'd known the risk he was taken when he said it. Next was a strong shove to his chest, pushing him backwards and away from her as she took off jogging out of the alley and down the side walk.

Her ears were ringing, and she was getting tunnel vision. She needed to get away from him. Elliot had said the very thing that she'd forbid.

He'd said the one thing that would break them and their partnership.

Now, as far as Olivia was concerned, Kathy could have him.

…

Jason's former cell mate, Walter Burlock, was apparently pulling the strings behind Jason's mentality and everything he'd been doing. Just the site of Burlock was enough to make someone gag. He was a sleezy older man who had absolutely no respect for women.

For whatever reason, Jason was terrified of Burlock.

Munch and Elliot had gone at both of them. Everyone had seemed to ignore the red handprint on Elliot's face when he returned to the station along with the fact that he was quite wet from the rain, and Cragen hadn't been in to give his detective his two cents about coming back with a mark on his face and without his partner.

Benson and Stabler were already in hot water with the captain.

Olivia went home early.

For the second time now, she'd called Fin to come get her when she'd had a fight with Elliot and couldn't bear to be around him.

Fin was a good friend, a real good one. He didn't ask questions when he heart the tears and panic in her voice. All he did was ask for her location. He'd even wanted her to stay on the phone with him until he got there but she refused.

Olivia had asked him to take her home. She'd shoot the captain a text about being sick or some bullshit that he'd believe because Olivia Benson didn't miss work unless it was very serious.

She'd prayed that Trevor wouldn't be in her apartment when she arrived with Fin. She just didn't feel like explaining to him what'd happened and after all, the lawyer should be working but now he was using his key as an actual key and not for just emergencies, which Olivia had given him the okay to do.

Especially on nights when he just needed a release. It was something they'd started over the past month. If Trevor had been working late and just wanted some 'action', he had the okay to come up to her apartment and wake her for sex.

Of course, she reserved the right to turn him down and he abided by that when it happened. If she wasn't feeling it, they'd snuggle up and fall asleep in each other's arms, sometimes after he'd gotten himself off in her bathroom. It was a happy medium they'd fallen into. Olivia just hoped tonight wasn't one of those nights that he was going to come in her room at around eleven or twelve with a hard-on….

Olivia made a b-line to her bed as soon as she was in the apartment, knowing Fin could show himself out, he'd just wanted to make sure she'd gotten home safe.

She stripped down to her panties, threw on a t-shirt, and briefly towel dried her hair before diving under the covers with just her face poking out as she began to really think about what Elliot had said.

The man had told her he loved her.

He'd said the words, those exact words.

'I love you.'

It was killing her. He couldn't love her, how could he? She was damaged goods. She knew they'd played around with the 'L' word here and there but… shit, she never thought he'd really say it, much less actually mean it. He couldn't. It just wasn't possible. No one was supposed to love her, she was unlovable.

All of these thoughts flooded her head and she wanted nothing more to go grab a bottle of vodka and chug it, but she couldn't now that her 'boyfriend' had cleared them out. Damn Elliot for telling on her.

Olivia sniffed and let out a small cry as she curled into herself.

This hurt. She was hurting.

" _Baby girl, I can't leave you like this…_ " Came Fin's uncharacteristically soft voice from the doorway.

Olivia wiped her face quickly and sniffed again.

" _I… I thought you'd left…_ " She whispered.

Fin shook his head lightly and gave her a crooked smile as he began to toe off his shoes. Then he put his badge and gun on her dresser. Walking over to the bed, he placed his phone on the night stand, beside a man's watch that was presumably Trevor's and got on top of the covers beside her.

She would have invited him under the covers to snuggle if she hadn't been in her panties.

He held out his left arm and she immediately rolled over under the covers and scooted her body as closely to his as possible. Her tears graced his shirt and her left arm wrapped around his torso as she buried her face in his shoulder.

Fin let her cry it out for a good few minutes. He'd never been a crier himself but from what he knew of women, they sometimes just needed to let their emotions and feelings out in a safe environment and he was going to make sure Olivia felt safe enough to do just that.

" _What happened?_ " He asked lightly after her crying had died down and silence filled the air aside from a sniffle here and there.

" _He told me he loved me._ " She whispered, pushing her face into his shoulder so she didn't have to see his reaction.

Fin rubbed his lips together. She was obviously talking about Elliot, he knew that. Fin's left hand landed on the back of her head as his fingers threaded through her hair, massaging her scalp.

" _Isn't that what you wanted?_ " He asked lightly.

" _No!_ " Olivia said strongly as she pushed herself up to look at him. " _No._ " She repeated. " _He has Kathy and I have Trevor and, and, and…_ " She breathed as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

Fin cocked his head to the side and stared at her.

" _I told you we'd stopped… we don't… we aren't…_ " She started, exasperated as she looked around the room, not wanting to look at him for the moment.

" _That's not what it looked like when I came up to the cribs this morning… messy hair, dilated eyes, flushed skin, and breathing heavy?_ " Fin said calmly. " _I know what a woman looks like when she's just been fucked, Liv…_ " He concluded. It was true. Her clothes had been more wrinkled, and her shirt was untucked. Not to mention how she'd clearly just shot out of the same bed Elliot had been when Fin had begun to enter the room.

" _We slipped up…_ " She whispered, still not looking at him.

" _It's not like doing drugs or missing a meeting with a parole officer…_ " Fin said. " _You can't just 'slip up' and fuck someone. You weren't even intoxicated, Liv._ "

She didn't even bother correcting him that they hadn't fucked, just fooled around, she didn't want him to know any more details than he already did.

" _I know…_ " She whispered, her eyes darting to him. " _And so, does Kathy…_ "

Fin's eyes went slightly wide.

" _Shit._ " He said.

Olivia nodded.

" _What's happenin' with that?_ " Fin asked, genuinely curious and concerned about her now.

She shrugged. He gave her another questioning look.

" _She doesn't seem mad… and she only thinks we fucked that one time when they were divorcing…_ " Olivia told him. " _and she knows about the baby._ "

" _Well, we knew that. You said it when I was there too…_ " He reminded her lightly.

Olivia was beginning to have a headache due to all of the crying she'd done today.

" _No, Fin._ " She said, looking at him. " _She knows it's Elliot's baby._ "

He looked at her with wide eyes again and Olivia wasn't sure she'd ever 'wowed' Odafin Tutuola so many times in one day.

" _Fuck._ "

" _Yep._ " Olivia sighed.

Fin nodded and took a moment to digest the piece of new information that he'd just been fed.

" _What are we gonna do?_ " He asked gingerly.

" _We?_ " She replied with a cocked eyebrow.

" _Yeah. We._ " He answered, giving her an unimpressed look. " _I may not like you getting with a married man, much less Elliot… You deserve better by the way…_ " He told her, shooting her a look. " _But I told you from day one, I got your back._ " Fin said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her back down to his side. " _She wants to take Elliot down, fine. He shouldn't have fucked another woman, but I'll go to bat for you. You shouldn't have screwed a married man but… I'll fight for you._ " He promised her.

Olivia sighed and snuggled closer into him, closing her eyes.

" _I love you, Odafin…_ " She whispered.

He almost laughed.

" _Didn't you just nearly kick Elliot's ass for saying that?_ "

She nodded.

" _But my love for you isn't the same as my love for him._ " Olivia said and within seconds she opened her eyes wide, realizing her mistake. " _I-I mean…_ " She stuttered.

"' _s okay, Liv._ " Fin comforted her. " _I already knew you loved him._ "

" _I don't._ " She denied quickly, even though their previous conversations about him contradicted her words.

He huffed and remained quiet, knowing it was a losing battle. Fin tightened his arms around her.

She was so conflicted and confused, not to mention she was full of emotions. All she wanted to do for the rest of the night was cry. Olivia knew she'd have to pull herself together tomorrow morning and muster up the courage to face Elliot. She wouldn't miss work because of this. She was a strong, independent woman, and she partially hated him for what he'd done today.

" _Not that I like Trevor, he's defended some pretty shitty people, but he seems like a nice guy and you should probably break it off with him if you're not into it, you know?_ " Fin said, backing up slightly to look at her.

Olivia began to laugh and Fin was confused as hell.

" _What?_ " He asked.

She just smiled at him.

" _Trevor and I are fake._ " Olivia told him.

" _Fake?_ "

" _Yeah. We're not in a real relationship, we're just fuck buddies. It was just… easier to say we were together so we wouldn't have to hide it. I think we actually enjoy each other though… a lot…_ " She smiled again, thinking about how just yesterday he'd had her bent over the couch in the living room. Maybe she did need him to come sneak in tonight… maybe that's what she needed in order to relieve stress from today.

Fin gave her an unimpressed look.

" _Man… I thought you two were a real thing…_ " he said.

" _Aren't you supposed to be a detective, Fin?_ " She shot back as she cocked an eyebrow.

" _Woman…_ " He warned in a low but slightly playful voice and squeezed her side, causing her to jump.

It was good to see her finally smile. It made him smile too.

" _I'm okay, Fin._ " She promised him.

Olivia could sense his worry. She always could. They were close friends and she worried about him just as much as he did her but of course, she gave him far more reasons to worry.

" _I know._ " He said, even though he knew the opposite, that Olivia Benson was very much not okay, and she hadn't been okay for a very, very long time. " _I'm just gonna stay til you fall asleep. Then I'll let myself out._ " Find told her, not really giving her much of a choice but she didn't care.

" _Alright._ " She said, leaning up and giving him a small kiss on the cheek, thanking him for everything that he'd done for her. Olivia had a lot of men in her life that she cared for, and even though the relationships were tiring and hard at times, she was thankful for all of them.

…

Olivia awoke to the sound of the sheets moving back and a hand moving swiftly across her stomach.

" _Fin?_ " She wondered out loud in her sleepy haze, causing the hand on her midsection to stop moving.

" _Fin?_ " He questioned.

It was Trevor. Fin was gone. He'd done as he promised and let himself out as soon as he was sure that Olivia was in a deep sleep.

" _Wha- oh. Hey._ " She greeted Trevor, half-way laughing as she rolled over and kissed him. He wouldn't be sneaking in her bed if he wasn't after something. " _Sorry…_ " She said. " _Fin was here when I went to sleep._ "

" _Hhmmmm…_ " Trevor replied as he pretended to think about what she was saying. He trusted Fin and knew there was nothing between him and Olivia, even if there had been, Olivia was free to fuck who she wanted as long as she stuck to the rule of giving him a heads-up.

Trevor gently ran his hand down her stomach again, and this time, his hand continued over her panties and he began rubbing her center through the fabric.

" _W-wait…_ " She panted, grabbing his wrist and lightly tugging it away from her center.

" _We don't have to._ " He told her, giving her a small smile.

They were momentarily both thankful that the side table lamp had been left on by Fin, so the room was dimly lit.

" _No, it's not that…_ " Olivia began as she looked up at him with big, sad eyes, weary about what his reaction would be but she had to be honest with him.

" _I did something…_ " She whispered as she looked down.

Trevor was quiet for a moment.

" _You fucked someone else?_ " He asked lightly.

She nodded and looked up at him again.

" _Well, kind of… Elliot and I, he was having a panic attack, so I went up to help him and…. and we ended up fooling around…_ " Olivia confessed. She took a deep breath and readied herself for whatever reaction he might have.

" _Okay._ " Trevor said calmly.

" _Okay?_ " she asked.

He nodded.

" _It won't happen again._ " Olivia quickly promised

" _C'mere._ " He whispered as he pulled her close. Olivia threw her left leg over his legs and wrapped her left arm around his chest. She could feel his hardened member pushing into her inner thigh, almost causing her to moan.

" _I know what our relationship consists of…_ " Trevor promised her as he kissed her forehead. " _I know you have feelings for your partner and that… things in your life are fucked up at the moment. A lot of shit has happened to you._ " He said, and Olivia nodded her head in agreement. " _You're gonna want to do things with him… and that's okay. I don't care as long as he doesn't hurt you… and he's clean right? Like, he's not fucking other woman around town, he's just… it's just you right?_ " Trevor asked hesitantly. It was a question that needed to be asked.

Olivia hadn't really thought about it but she was sure Elliot wasn't running around fucking random women. She'd thought at one time that he'd fucked Jo, but he'd quickly cleared that up by letting her know that he'd actually been fucking his wife.

" _He's… yeah._ " Was all she could answer. " _But you don't have to worry about him anymore… he did something today that well… it was kind of unforgivable._ " Olivia said in a small voice and Trevor's facial features instantly changed to concern and worry.

" _Did he hurt you?_ " He asked quickly. " _The fooling around, you consented to it, right?_ " Trevor questioned, his mind automatically jumping to the worst possible conclusion. It nearly killed her to have to answer that question twice in one day.

" _He told me he loved me._ " She whispered, and rubbed her lips together while breathing in through her nose.

Elliot had hurt her in the worst way. He'd broken everything they'd had.

If Trevor was confused by her answer, he didn't show it. He just held her tighter, as if he'd gone through something similar and knew that there were no words that would make her feel better. He understood that it was hard for her to hear those words from someone that she couldn't realistically be with.

" _Go back to sleep… I'll stay the night._ " He told her as he began to reach for the lamp to switch it off, realizing she'd had a very difficult day.

But Olivia had other plans. She sat up on her knees and turned towards him. He could see she was wearing panties and she lifted her shirt over her head to reveal that she'd not worn a bra.

" _Liv…_ " He nearly growled.

" _You've got something I want…_ " She said in her bedroom voice, changing the conversation and letting her needs be known.

Trevor's mouth watered at the site of her breasts. They were big and her nipples were perked up, she was clearly aroused.

When he didn't speak, she continued.

" _I mean…_ " Olivia began as she ran both hands over her chest. " _I'm sure I could find someone who wants to give me what I want…. Mmmm…_ " She let out a small whine at the end of her statement and that was it.

Trevor was up off the bed and on her instantly. She wasn't usually this playful when he'd sneak in late at night. This was a treat.

" _What do you want, babe?_ " He asked, getting on his knees and crawling over to her, pushing her down gently and quickly pulling a nipple in his mouth.

He'd already stripped down to his boxers when he entered the room earlier because he had been expecting to get laid.

" _Ohhhh…_ " She moaned as she arched her chest towards his mouth.

Trevor focused on that nipple before switched to the opposite one, making sure to give it just as much attention while continuously rubbing her center through her underwear.

" _Trevorrrr…_." Olivia moaned. She was being more vocal than usual.

" _What do you want?_ " He repeated again after letting her nipple go with a popping sound.

" _Stand up._ " She whispered, patting his chest and he obeyed, moving to the edge of the bed so he could stand up on the floor.

Olivia stood up as well, rid herself of her panties, and grabbed a condom out of her drawer before grabbing his hand and dragging him to the kitchen. Once there, she released his hand and bent over the kitchen counter that didn't have a wall, the counter that separated the living room from the actual kitchen.

" _Pound me…_ " She commanded as she placed the condom on the counter beside her, spreading her legs and sticking her ass out and up for easy access for him.

" _Jesus…_ " He whispered harshly as he swallowed and pushed his boxers down, kicking them to the side. Trevor quickly opened the condom packet and rolled it on over his penis, fisting himself a couple of times to make sure he was ready.

Then, he moved forward, finding Olivia also wet and ready. He slid into her easily and instantly began a steady rhythm.

*smack*

" _Oh, fuck!_ " Olivia moaned loudly as he pounded into her hard.

*smack*

" _Mmmmmhmmmm…._ " She continued.

*smack*

" _Fuck…_ " Trevor groaned, trying to control himself.

He didn't want to come too soon, like he did yesterday morning. He wanted to please her and pleasure her. When he came too quickly, his ego took a hit, just as it did when he couldn't get it up again fast enough to fuck her for a second time. He can't help how his body reacts and she'd never make him feel bad about it, but he couldn't help but be ashamed and a bit shy about it.

" _Pull my hair!_ " Olivia told him as she let out another moan. Trevor obliged and grabbed a fist full of her hair, lightly tugging on it as he continued fucking her.

" _Harder…_ " She whispered as grabbed the edges of the counter, pushing herself back against his dick more forcefully.

Trevor was hesitant, but he did as he was told and pulled on her hair harder.

" _Yesyesyes!_ " Olivia panted as she felt herself getting closer to her goal. " _Smack my ass… please, Trevor…_ " She nearly begged him.

Her breasts were bouncing up and down, her head was pulled back due to the grip he had on her hair, and her hands gripped the counter still, in order to help him drive into her. She needed this.

*Slap*

He'd slapped her on the ass. Worry clouded his face as he watched the red mark appear on her skin as he continued to ram his dick into her.

" _Oh fuck, yes!_ " She ground out. She was wet, so fucking wet and he was slipping in and out of her body with ease. " _I'm close… so close, again… please!_ " Olivia begged him, moving her hips vigorously.

*Smack*

He slapped her ass again and pulled on her hair, then started to drive into her at full force. He was close now, so very close. He hoped to God she was about to come because he was, and there'd be no delaying him now.

" _You're so fucking hot, Olivia…_ " Trevor moaned.

*Smack* *Smack*

" _Oh, shit I'm… Trevor I'm gonna… Oh, fuck! AHH!_ " Olivia moaned as her body went rigid and her muscles inside her body spasmed. Her head was still pulled back and her mouth hung open in an 'O' shape as her eyes slammed shut and she let the waves of pleasure wash over her.

In the back of her mind, she couldn't help but wish it was Elliot that had been pulling her hair and smacking her ass…

" _Goddamn!_ " Trevor exclaimed as he released her hair and wrapped his arm around her waist as her pumped the condom full of his semen. Both of his arms went around her waist as he continued to hump her ass until the last drop left his body.

It felt so good, so incredibly good.

This was definitely in the top three of the best fucks they'd had, if it hadn't been the absolute best.

She was coming down from her night now, heaving and trying to catch her breath. Olivia's knees buckle from under her, but Trevor held on tightly.

" _I gotcha…_ " He whispered in her ear as his arms tightened around her once he noticed her body was headed towards the floor. They were both out of breath, but she was by far more exasperated than he was.

" _I… I need…_ " Olivia said as she continued to try and catch her breath, using one hand to push her hair out of her sweaty face.

" _It's alright, I've got you._ " He replied, placing a kiss on the back of her head. " _Just catch your breath._ " He told her as he leaned them on the counter again, leaning behind her to secure that she'd stay there and not fall.

They remained in that position for a couple more minutes, until he was sure that she'd regained her strength.

Trevor slowly backed off of her and reached down to grab his boxers. Walking over to the trashcan in the kitchen, he pulled the condom off and discarded it, then grabbed a napkin to wipe his dick off before slipping his boxers on.

Olivia turned and smiled at him as she hobbled to the bedroom in her naked stated and retrieved some clothing of her own. After a couple of minutes, Trevor made his way to her room and found her in bed with a tank top on and presumably panties.

She smiled at him and patted the other side of the bed, inviting him to join her.

" _That was so good._ " She whispered as she curled into him and he slipped his arms around her.

" _Not too… rough?_ " He asked hesitantly. " _I didn't hurt you, did I?_ " Trevor questioned, looking into her eyes and using his right hand to stroke the side of her face.

" _No._ " Olivia promised him. " _Just… don't tell anyone that the Sex Crimes Detective likes it a little rough sometimes, okay?_ " She said, looking back at him.

" _I never, ever share what goes on in our bedroom life, I promise you._ " Trevor told her, as he leaned down and kissed her lips before reaching over to turn the lamp off. And he didn't tell anyone what went on between them sexually, just like he expected her to keep his secret about how sometimes he couldn't get it back up after a round.

Tomorrow, she'd have to deal with Elliot again and work a case that included yet another woman who was the product of rape. Sometimes, Olivia got real tired of her job.

 **REVIEWS PLEASE**


	21. Chapter 21

**Reviews give me life.**

" _Mmmmm… what do you want for dinner?_ " Olivia asked as she opened the fridge and pondered their options. There wasn't much in sight. She needed to go grocery shopping.

" _It doesn't matter…_ " Calvin said as he shrugged. He was sitting at the bar watching her walk around the kitchen, opening various cabinets and search for food that she knew she most likely didn't have.

It was only the third day that Calvin had been with her and Olivia was still in the process of making him feel welcomed in her home. She'd fixed up the guest bedroom for him the best that she could, and she'd even bought him new clothes, which he'd badly needed.

" _Come on…_ " Olivia said, walking to the counter and leaning on her elbows. " _What do you like to eat?_ " She asked, knowing he never had a great amount of food anyways. She wanted to take this opportunity to give him some experiences that normal kids get, like choosing dinner one night out of the week and having snacks in the house.

Calvin shrugged again.

Olivia exhaled gazed around her kitchen.

Most kids would be happy to quickly request food or something that they wanted if you asked but Calvin wasn't, which told her that he'd been deprived in a way that no child should.

" _Pizza? Lasagna? …Chicken nuggets?_ " She tried again, looking up at him, eyeing Calvin to see if any of her words caused a reaction in his facial expression that he wouldn't have wanted to voice to her.

" _What's las-lasagna?_ " The boy asked cautiously.

Olivia smiled and let out a tiny laugh.

" _Okay…_ " She said, making up her mind. " _I'm gonna call Trevor and have him pick up a frozen lasagna on his way over and we'll have that for dinner._ " Olivia told him as she took her phone out of her pocket to shoot her man a text. " _It's kind of like pasta but in a casserole. It had tomato sauce and cheese… some of them have meat…_ "

" _Okay, cool._ " Calvin said, nonchalantly. It made her sad.

He'd done relatively well since he'd come to stay with her.

Olivia had taken the next day off of work and stayed home with him, making sure he was okay and reassuring him of his mother's love for him even though she'd abandoned him.

The second day, they went out together, buying him new clothes (which he seemed uncomfortable with) and enrolling him in the local school system.

Now, the third day, she'd gone back to work and he'd gone to school, but Olivia had taken off early to pick him up and spend the rest of the day with him. She knew it must be draining and scary, having his life be turned upside down so many times in the past few years.

" _Just because she left you with me doesn't mean your mom loves you any less…_ " Olivia had told him, but he'd just looked at her sadly like he didn't believe her. " _She loves you very much, Cal… in fact, I think that's why she did this._ " She tried to explain to him gently. " _She wants you to be safe and cared for while she gets herself together and gets better._ " Olivia said, giving his back a gentle rub.

The boy had remained quiet.

Vivian had given Olivia custody via paperwork without telling Calvin, and had decided to drop him off at the precinct and leave him there without any explanation. This came a couple of days after she'd showed up high at the station to talk with Olivia, having been guided there by Calvin who'd still had Olivia's card from her first initial visit.

…

FLASHBACK:

She'd basically ignored Elliot ever since his confession of love. They day afterwards, she'd showed up to work extra early and fully satisfied, thanks to Trevor the night before.

When Elliot showed up, she pretended like she didn't see him, and she also didn't acknowledge him when he placed coffee on her desk and sat down in front of her.

" _You ignoring me?_ " He asked gently, in hushed tones so Munch nor Fin would hear him but thankfully, she didn't have to answer because at that exact moment, Cragen came out of his office, saying they had a vic in the ER, not sure if it was a sexual assault but they wanted an SVU detective there just in case and to get a feel of the situation.

Olivia jumped at the chance, saying she would take it, and also noting that it called for one detective not two, she was happy to leave Elliot behind.

She enjoyed her time away from her partner, being on her own and thankfully, it wasn't a sexual assault case like the hospital had originally thought it might be, so she didn't have much paperwork to do aside from list that she'd been called out and explain the situation.

However, when Olivia got back, Elliot met her at the elevators.

Olivia put up her hands quickly in defense, prepared to fight him over wanting to not have the conversation she knew he wanted to, but the look on his face quickly told her that something was up.

" _I was just about to call you._ " He told her as he glanced back towards the squad room. " _A kid showed up with his mom, said you came to see them yesterday… mom's high._ " Elliot explained.

Olivia swallowed hard and looked towards his desk behind him where she saw Calvin sitting with Vivian.

" _You arrest her?_ " She asked quietly.

Elliot glanced around before answering, making sure no one could hear him.

" _No…_ " He whispered. " _That's why I was about to call you…_ "

Olivia nodded.

" _Don't._ " She said in reference to putting Vivian under arrest. " _Take the kid to the break room, get him some snacks or something… his name is Calvin._ " Olivia commanded lightly.

He didn't really care to fight her, so he did as he was told, escorted the boy to the break room while Olivia took Vivian into Cragen's office, who thankfully was out due to a mandatory meeting.

" _Hey Viv… Vivian…_ " Olivia said as she sat down in front of the couch in her captain's office after she'd handed the blonde a cup of coffee.

" _I um…_ " Vivian began. " _I need you to t-take my DNA and s-send it in be-because I need to find my r-real father… I need-d to know who he i-is…._ " She said, glancing around the office, unable to keep her gazing on one object for too long because she was high and her brain was racing.

Olivia honestly felt bad for the woman. She'd been through a lot, she'd gotten sober and turned her life around only to find out she really wasn't who she thought she was and her mother had kept a secret her whole life.

The brunette detective took a deep breath, leaned back into her chair as she pushed her hair out of her face and focused on the woman in front of her.

" _Vivian, knowing who raped your mother… who your biological father is… it's not going to help you._ " Olivia said, wishing she could get through to the other woman but knowing the chances might not be that great because of whatever drugs were in her system.

The blonde wasn't high from just marijuana, that was for sure.

" _Knowledge is power._ " Vivian stated bluntly as she sipped her coffee.

Olivia rubbed her lips together and looked around.

" _Really?_ " The detective asked. _"Because you find out you're a child of rape and all the sudden you're high in a precinct full of cops…_ " She said, rubbing her hands together before lacing her finger and resting them in her lap.

Vivian rolled her eyes at Olivia and took a deep breath.

" _You gonna help m-me or not?_ " She asked, suddenly feeling the effects of her coffee, her high weakening.

Olivia shook her head.

" _The best thing I can do to help you is find you a rehab and a shrink…_ " Olivia explained, being a bit harsh but needing the other woman to understand that she had a son to take care of, that she had a life to live.

" _You're the last person who should be j-judging me…_ " Vivian shot at her as she sat up. " _You of all people s-should understand!_ " She said.

Olivia sighed.

" _I know… that's why I got help… I got counseling before it destroyed me…_ "

Vivian shook her head.

" _You're not perfect… I-I can tell you got shit happening…_ " She accused.

Olivia almost laughed. She released her hands and combed through her hair before sitting up and resting her elbows on her knees.

" _Am I fucked up? Yes._ " The brunette said bluntly and honestly. " _But… me being a child of rape is a small fraction of why that is…._ "

" _Right…_ " Vivian said, as if she didn't believe Olivia.

The room went silent and the detective debated in her head what information about her life she wanted to share with Vivian and what she didn't. There was too much going on, and she didn't fully trust the other woman anyways, so she decided she wouldn't really share anything more than she already had.

" _My… my mom died last night._ " The blonde whispered into the air between them.

Olivia swallowed hard as a pang of sadness hit her.

" _Vivian… I'm so sorry…_ " She said gently.

The other woman shook her head.

" _I-I thought it wouldn't hurt… she never loved me anyways… treated me like shit but…_ " Vivian stopped when she could no longer continue.

" _I know… it's… a weird feeling to love and miss someone who hated you, who didn't want you born… I know that._ " Olivia sympathized.

Vivian shot her a sad smile.

" _Is there some where Calvin could go? Maybe stay with a friend, relative? Or his father? Just while you… get yourself together, maybe go to rehab and take some time to focus on you?_ " Oliva asked the blonde gently, trying not to seem judgmental.

Vivian shook her head.

" _His father hasn't been around since he was born, and I don't have friends…_ " She explained, then looked up at Olivia. " _Are… are you going to arrest me?_ " She asked.

Olivia bit her bottom lip and thought for a moment. She couldn't stand knowing that Calvin would go into the system and that she'd be the one to put him there. After all, she didn't honestly believe that Vivian would do anything to hurt him anyways.

" _No…_ " Olivia said quietly. " _But you are going to sit here until you sober up._ " She commanded. " _And I'm going to go talk to him and make sure he's okay…_ "

" _You… you really care about him don't you._ " Vivian asked.

The detective fought the urge to roll her eyes again.

" _I'm a police officer Vivian, it's literally my job to protect children…._ " She said. And with that, she was up and out of the room after quickly telling Vivian to continue drinking the coffee, and that she'd come retrieve her in a bit.

Olivia made eye contact with Fin and nodded her head towards Cragen's office. It was her way of telling him to keep an eye on the blonde, a message he received loud and clear, and gave her a nod as she headed to the break room.

She found Calvin eating some chocolate and drinking coke from the vending machine with Elliot by his side. The boy appeared to be educating her partner on the latest basketball scores and who the best players were.

Olivia couldn't tell if Elliot actually was clueless about basketball or if he was just humoring Calvin.

After a while, when Olivia deemed Vivian sober enough, she made sure that Calvin still had her card and her personal cell number in case he needed anything or his mom decided to get high again. Then she sent them on their way without even giving Elliot a glance. Olivia didn't need his input.

Unfortunately, both Calvin and Vivian ran into Joan's rapist in the hallway on their way out. It took only a mere minute before Vivian figured out who he was and it took all of Olivia's strength to hold the woman back from attacking him as Calvin watched in terror and confusion.

" _You raped my mother!_ " The blonde screamed, crying as she was being held back by Olivia, who was shouting at the man to leave.

Once he was gone, Vivian turned to Olivia.

" _Why didn't you tell me who my father was if you knew!?_ " She asked in an accusing tone.

Olivia took a second to catch her breath before answering.

" _Because I… at first, I thought our mothers were raped by the same man…_ " She explained, looking down.

Vivian then asked if they were sisters and Olivia denied it, saying she'd ran their DNA together and it'd come back negative, but that was before they'd found the man that she'd just met.

The blonde shook her head and grabbed Calvin by the arm, dragging him towards the elevators.

" _But I'm still here for you Vivian!_ " Olivia shouted after her, placing her hand on her forehead and the other on her hip, while taking a breath.

Vivian glared back at her before stepping onto the elevator, clearly pissed that during the whole conversation they'd just had, Olivia had known who her father was all along and had neglected to tell her, and she probably would have never done so if Vivian hadn't have literally bumped right into him.

" _Dammit!_ " Olivia whispered harshly as she stared at the elevator doors long after they closed.

She wanted to help Vivian, she really did. The woman was struggling much like Olivia had but the difference was that when Olivia was old enough, her mother had explained where she came from and what her father was.

Finding her father did nothing for Olivia but cause her to have a lot of mixed feelings about everything. How could she have so much love and hate for a man that she'd never even met?

Olivia knew what kind of person Vivian's father was. She knew how damaging he'd be, how it'd hurt the blonde and Calvin to know him, so Olivia hadn't wanted to reveal who he was.

" _They'll be okay…_ " Came a voice from behind her.

She turned around and looked at Elliot, trying to read him, to see if he was judging her for not telling Vivian about her father or for not arresting her for being high.

" _You've done all you can do…_ " He tried again but she just rolled her eyes and pushed pasted him, heading back to her desk to do paperwork. She needed to document that she'd spoken with Vivian and add it to their case file.

" _Leave me the fuck alone._ " She whispered harshly as she passed him.

Fin eyed her as she came back in but if she noticed, she didn't care. He did however, shoot Elliot a look when he made his way back over to his desk in front of Olivia. Elliot huffed and gave Fin a flat look before sitting down to focus on his paperwork.

…

The next day was basically the same. Olivia continued to ignore Elliot unless it was work related and she insisted on doing everything alone until Cragen finally sent them out to keep watch at Jason Gambel's house, where Joan's rapist and Vivian's biological father was staying.

Olivia had made several excuses to leave the car over the past few hours. Her latest one was to go get coffee. And if Elliot had expected that she'd bring him back some, then he was sadly mistaken.

She entered the car with her coffee in hand, accompanied by a pastry, something else that she had neglected to get him.

Elliot cut his eyes at her and refrained from making a face at her coldness, even though he wanted to. Fin had eyes on Gambel at the hotel and Burlock had been staying at the home, so not much had happened.

Later, Fin radioed them to tell them that Gambel was on the moving, making his way back to the house.

" _Do you think Burlock called Gambel to go on the prowl again, to look for him another woman?_ " Olivia asked in seriousness to Elliot.

He just shrugged as he stared at the door, watching Gamble close in.

" _When you get the itch, you call your bitch…_ " Elliot said absent mindedly. He hadn't meant anything by it, it was just a simple saying. Some lived by it, some didn't. But Olivia took it the wrong way, as was to be expected since she was in a mood.

" _You are un-fucking-believable._ " She told him in disbelieve.

Elliot quickly turned his head towards her.

" _I didn't-_ "

" _I'm not your goddamned bitch, Elliot._ " Olivia told him with fire in her eyes. She was pissed, still pissed from his love confession, pissed that he'd cross that line and say something that they'd agreed never to say, pissed that he'd thrown her into a world wind of emotions and feelings for him with just three small words.

" _Olivia-_ " He tried again but it was no use.

" _The next time you get that 'itch'…_ " She stated, looking him dead in the eyes. " _Tell your wife to open her legs for you…_ " Olivia said lowly before opening her door and slamming it. She knew they were on a stakeout, but she needed air. She was planning on walking down the sidewalk a ways and sitting on a bench. Luckily for her, Gambel came out of his house covered in blood and she, along with Elliot, had to intervene and arrest him for Burlock's murder.

When they got inside, they found out that he'd actually been dead for several hours so there's no way Gambel was good for it.

" _It wasn't Vivian, Calvin is her priority._ " Olivia said after hearing what Elliot was suggesting and seeing the look on his face.

" _She could have done it, Liv. She's had plenty of time… she met him at the station, knew who he was and what he'd done…. she had all the motive in the world and we don't have anymore suspects…_ " He stressed, hating to point out the truth and cold hard facts to her.

Olivia pressed her lips together into a tight then line while she gathered her thoughts.

" _No._ " She stressed. " _Vivian wouldn't do this to Calvin…_ "

Elliot shrugged.

" _Maybe not sober, she wouldn't…_ " He said, causing Olivia to second guess herself.

When they left the crime scene, Elliot headed back to the station while she headed to Vivian's. The blonde apparently wasn't there, and some woman named Sarah Hoit, a brunette whom Olivia hadn't met before, answered the door to tell her that Vivian wasn't there and she didn't know when the blonde was coming back.

Olivia huffed as the door was shut in her face but headed back to the station, trying to figure out what her next move was.

When she entered the precinct, and headed towards her desk, she immediately saw Calvin sitting in her chair. Elliot was across from him at his own desk, working on paperwork but clearly keeping an eye on the kid until she got there.

" _Calvin?_ " Olivia said in a loving voice, one that she reserved for children.

" _Detective Benson…_ " He greeted her in a weary voice as he clutched an envelop to his chest.

Olivia swallowed hard, eyeing the envelop that was addressed to her. She sat down in the chair beside her desk that was reserved for civilians when they walk into the precinct needing to make a report.

"What's going on?" Olivia asked gently, looking at Calvin with her back to Elliot as she sat down.

" _My… my mom is gone…_ " He said silently, as if he were in shock.

Olivia nodded her head slightly.

" _Do you know where she went?_ " She questioned him in a soft tone, giving him a small smile in order to reassure him that things were alright.

Calvin shook his head no.

" _So… how did you get here?_ " She asked him.

" _My… my mom drove me…. she told me to run in and give you this…_ " He said, looking down at the envelop in his hands. " _And… and you weren't here. I went back out to tell her but… she was gone…_ " Calvin explained. " _Detective Stabler told me I could sit at your desk and wait for you…_ " The boy said, nodding at Elliot, who eyed Olivia after she'd given him her nod of thanks and approval.

His eyes were empty, and if Olivia had to guess, so was his heart. There was no telling what this boy had gone through when he'd been younger, and Vivian had been off the wagon with booze and drugs before her mother had gotten sick.

When Olivia didn't speak soon enough, he spoke again.

" _H-how could she leave me here?_ " Calvin said, sounding confused and broken.

Olivia shook her head.

" _I don't know._ " She said calmly. Olivia put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a small squeeze. " _We'll find her._ " She promised him, giving him an encouraging smile. " _It's gonna be okay._ "

The woman was amazing with kids.

Elliot continued to eaves drop in the background as did Fin.

Calvin shook his head slowly.

" _No, it's not._ " He lightly disagreed with her. Olivia then asked him if she could see the envelop. He obliged, and she began to open it, seeing that Calvin had already opened it and obviously read it.

Olivia nodded slowly and gave him another smile as she stood up, and for the first time in a couple of days, she willingly nodded for Elliot to walk away with her, so she could speak with him. Calvin stayed put.

" _What is it?_ " He asked hesitantly.

" _It's a notarized letter from attorney… Vivian made me Calvin's legal guardian. She fucking dropped him off… she abandoned him, El…_ " Olivia said in a hushed voice that was full of anger and sadness.

Elliot licked his lips and glanced at Calvin, who was staring at his feet and clinging to his backpack.

" _Okay…_ " He said in a reassuring tone, knowing even if she was still pissed at him, she needed help right now. " _Alert Cragen, he hasn't gone home for the night yet… maybe ask for a couple of days off to get him settled… or… or you can give him to child services…_ " Elliot said with a shrug, he was only being honest, presenting her with all of her options because he wasn't sure if she'd want to go through the process of having another child in her custody after she'd lost the baby girl at the hospital, but it was enough to make her nearly slap him.

" _You're an asshole, you know that?_ " She said a little too loudly because Fin's head popped up and he looked in their direction.

Before Elliot could say anything else, Olivia was headed back to Calvin.

" _Hey…_ " She said gently.

" _I read it._ " He confessed. " _I know what it says._ "

Olivia looked at him in question as she crouched down on the ground in front of him.

" _You're a detective… you don't have time for kids, and if you wanted them, you'd already have some by now…_ " He explained, and she tried not to take offense, hoping it wasn't a dig at her age, and neglecting to mention that she'd actually had two kids….

" _Calvin…_ " Olivia tried gently, looking at him with caring eyes but Calvin stopped her from continuing.

" _You're gonna call the people to come get me, aren't you? I'll go to one of those places for kids who aren't wanted…._ " He said, near tears as he looked at the ground.

" _No._ " Olivia said strongly, placing a hand on his knee and causing Calvin to look up. " _No, I'm not going to do that to you…_ " She tried to explain. " _Anyone would be luck to have you for a child._ " She whispered. Her heart broke for this boy whose mom had abandoned him.

Olivia glanced around the squad room, taking a minute before looking at him again.

" _I'm going to go notify my captain of what's happened._ " She said. " _Then I'm gonna get my things, and we're gonna get out of here and go to my apartment._ " She reassured him with a small smile.

" _Really?_ " He asked in surprise, looking up with tears still in his eyes.

" _Yes, sweetheart._ " She told him in a comforting manor. " _We're gonna order some take out… we'll talk and… and try to figure things out, okay?_ "

Calvin seemed to take a deep breath, a breath of relief.

" _Thank you, Detective Benson…_ " He said in a small voice, looking at her, not shy about making eye contact.

Olivia shook her head slightly.

" _Olivia._ " She said. " _Call me Olivia._ "

…

PRESENT DAY

Olivia had already explained to Calvin that Trevor was her boyfriend. In fact, He'd joined them for lunch on the second day. Luckily for Olivia, Trevor knew a bit about basketball and was able to strike up a conversation with Calvin rather quickly. It took a few minutes, but Calvin finally relaxed in Trevor's presence and even cracked a smile at a couple of the basketball jokes.

That afternoon, Olivia had sat down with Calvin and asked him a series of questions, trying to obtain as much information as possible in order to locate his mother. Whether Vivian was running away from her problems or truly gone to get help, she needed to be found or come forward. Abandoning a child was illegal and Olivia had every intention of making her pay that price.

On top of that, they needed to find Vivian because she was now the main suspect in her biological father's murder, although Olivia wasn't actually sure if she had anything to do with it or not.

The questions she asked yesterday got her nowhere though. Calvin had absolutely no information about who is biological father was or where he was, he didn't know much about his mother or the places she'd be. All he knew was that Sarah Hoit, who answered the door, was in fact Vivian's on again, off again girlfriend.

" _Are you okay with Trevor coming over for dinner?_ " Olivia asked. She should've asked before she'd sent the text, but she honestly hadn't thought about it.

" _Yeah, sure…_ " Calvin said as he shrugged again in the hoodie that was a bit too big for him.

Olivia had to fight the urge to roll her eyes and instead, she gave him a thin smile. She was pretty positive he'd agree with just about anything she did or suggested, which was another sign of how he was brought up. It bothered her. Children were supposed to be at least a little resistant.

" _Calvin, if you're ever not okay with Trevor or anyone coming over, you tell me okay?_ " She said, making sure he knew that he was her first priority.

Calvin nodded but Olivia still wasn't sure that he would be at least she was trying to get through to him.

Of course, Olivia had no idea what the boy had actually been through in his younger years or what he'd experienced with Vivian.

Eventually, Trevor showed up with the frozen lasagna. While Olivia popped it in the oven and worked on side dishes, he and Calvin made themselves comfortable on the couch and turned on a basketball game.

The boy had already figured out that Olivia had no knowledge of basketball.

Trevor had seemed to take the news about Calvin better than she'd hoped. He understood that her work life had been meshed with her personal life and that their sex life would be cut down significantly until she could locate Calvin's mother, or father. She hadn't told him that she was looking for his father too, not sure of how he'd take it.

After Olivia had finished the sides and was waiting for the lasagna to be done, she decided to make her way into the living room. Trevor was on the end of the couch and Calvin was settled in the center seat, a decent ways away from the attorney.

Olivia had already picked up that he was hesitant around men but she wasn't sure why. It could have been because he'd never really had a stable man in his life, the fact that his father had dipped out and not wanted him, or something to do with his mother's ex-boyfriends. The brunette wasn't sure yet but she was determined to find out.

She decided to sit on the other end of the couch and was pleasantly surprised when Calvin gravitated towards her, actually touching her at one point and leaning up against her until she had to excuse herself to take the food out of the oven.

It had made her happy though, it meant that he boy trusted her, and with all the shit going on in his life, he needed stability and someone to trust. Her being a cop probably had something to do with it as well.

…

After dinner, they went back to the couch and instead of watching basketball, Olivia put on a family friendly movie. She didn't need to ask Calvin if he'd seen it. She knew his television had been limited.

Olivia curled up to Trevor on one end of the couch and Calvin was at the other end. She purposefully putting herself between the two men just in case Calvin felt uncomfortable and neglected to tell her.

It'd been a long movie and by the end, Olivia was getting restless. Trevor kissed the side of her cheek a couple of times and tightened his left arm that was wrapped around her.

" _I'm gonna go to my room now…_ " Calvin said off-handedly, causing Olivia to sit up a bit more and look at him.

" _Are you okay, Cal?_ " She asked gently, eyeing him. He looked uncomfortable. Olivia briefly wondered if Trevor shouldn't have come over. She enjoyed his company and missed him when he was gone for long periods, but Calvin was her top priority.

The boy nodded but Olivia wasn't buying it.

" _What is it?_ " She asked, now fully sitting up, extracting Trevor's hand from her side and turning to face Calvin.

" _Well…_ " He hesitated. " _You're gonna have sex now, right?_ " Calvin said. " _I just don't wanna be around…_ " He said in a low voice.

Both Olivia and Trevor were in an immediate state of shock.

She quickly extracted herself from Trevor's side, putting distance between them and tried to think of what they'd done to give the boy that idea. Trevor's eyebrows were raised high, as if he didn't know what to do or say. Olivia calmed down more quickly than him, but she was still a big surprised and very, very concerned now.

" _I… I'm sorry, I-_ " Calvin started to backtrack, but Olivia gently cut him off as she sat down on the coffee table in front of him, resting her hands on her knees.

" _You did nothing wrong._ " She reassured him with a small smile and eyes that still showed love and care, but a touch of concern. " _What do you know about sex, Calvin?_ " Olivia asked, realizing he might have never been given a proper talk about the 'birds and the bees'.

She wondered if maybe he'd confused some of it or had been told an off-handed version of how it went. He was twelve, so he should know some things by now but if he'd had to figure it out on his own, there's no telling what his limited knowledge of the intimate act consisted of.

" _Everything._ " He replied with a shrug.

" _Everything?_ " She questioned, her eyes narrowing slightly.

Trevor looked at the pair in almost horror as Calvin began to describe his knowledge of sex, that was extremely way too graphic and detailed for a twelve-year-old. He knew the basics, where the penis went in the vagina, he knew the touching that a man and woman often do with their genitals. Then he told Olivia about the sounds you make during this intimate time and about how some people don't have 'normal' sex, that they use their hands and mouths instead. He mentioned about how sometimes the man would choke the woman during.

Olivia wondered if he'd somehow got ahold of some porn, she even asked him if that's where he'd gotten all this knowledge from.

Calvin then briefly explained that when he was younger, Vivian had had him hide in the closet while she'd have sex with various men, except the closet doors were broken and wouldn't shut all the way, along with a few of the panels on the doors being broken off. Sometimes he'd hide behind the couch or a chair.

Olivia swallowed hard and out of the corner of her eye, she saw Trevor run a hand down his face and take a deep breath.

Calvin had been psychologically abused as a child, this explained a lot. It had probably gone on for a while too. If Olivia had to guess, she'd say it'd happened from the time he could walk up until two years ago when Vivian had gotten sober to take care of her sick mother.

She didn't even want to think about whether or not any of those men had hurt him physically or sexually. It was a question she needed to ask him, but one hurdle at a time, and right now they were already working on one.

" _I just… I didn't like seeing my mom like that… and… I don't wanna see you like that… I really like you, Olivia_." Calvin said innocently, blinking a few times and looking hesitant, almost scared.

She tucked her hair behind her right ear before leaning forward and placing her elbows on her knees.

" _You will never see me like that, Calvin…_ " She told him softly. " _I promise._ " Olivia wanted to reach out and touch him to comfort him, but she knew she couldn't, not now when they were talking about intimacy and she also needed to figure out if he had PTSD and triggers.

Calvin still looked nervous, so she continued speaking.

" _What your mom did was wrong. In fact, it's illegal. She could be put in jail for doing that with you in the room._ " Olivia explained, and Calvin's eyes went big, as if he hadn't quite understood that it wasn't something that some kids just go through. " _I won't have sex with Trevor or anyone else for that matter with you here in the apartment, Calvin._ " Olivia said as she maintained eye contact with him.

It'd been something that she'd been thinking about, not having sex while he was in the apartment. She hadn't completely made up her mind yet though, because she knew parents did it all the time and you just have to be quiet, but she also hadn't been sure of all the trauma that he'd endured.

Now, however, her mind was completely made up. She and Trevor would not be having sex while Calvin was there.

" _She's right._ " Trevor said, immediately backing her up and making his way to sit beside Olivia on the coffee table, leaving distance between their bodies and facing Calvin. " _We won't be doing anything intimate like that while you're here._ " He promised. " _In fact, I won't even touch her if it makes you uncomfortable…. We don't have to sit together on the couch either. Hell, I don't even have to come over if you're not okay with it, buddy…_ " Trevor said, fishing for a reaction from Calvin, trying to see what the boy wanted and was comfortable with.

" _No._ " Calvin said almost frantically, looking a bit panicked. " _I don't want you to break up!_ " He said quickly.

Olivia glanced at Trevor, giving him a confused look.

" _We aren't, and if we ever did, it wouldn't be because of you, honey._ " She tried, looking back to Calvin.

He seemed to take in that information for a moment, thinking it over in his head. This boy was incredibly too educated and too adult-like to be twelve.

" _My mom told me that grown-ups in relationships have to have sex, that it's part of the relationship…_ " He stated, sort of trying to ask Olivia if it was true or not because now he seemed to be second guessing everything his mother had ever taught him or told him, which was probably for the best.

Olivia bit her bottom lip and contemplated what to tell him.

" _It is part of a relationship sometimes, but there are also people who choose not to do it until they get married._ " She said shrugging her shoulders a bit.

" _Is that what you are doing?_ " He asked innocently, looking back and forth between Olivia and Trevor.

She let out a nervous laugh. It was so odd how he wouldn't tell her no, and would do nearly anything she asked or suggested but when it came to this talk, he was so open and honest with his knowledge, thoughts, and questions.

Olivia rubbed her eyebrow with her thumb as Trevor stared at her, willing her to answer.

" _Calvin,_ " She started off. " _You don't have to worry about us or the health of our relationship. I want you to be thinking about school and the basketball team that you're gonna be trying out for soon…"_ She told him with a small smile, purposefully avoiding his initial question.

" _There will probably be some nights that Trevor and I go out on a date and maybe Detective Fin or Sergeant Munch will stay here_ _with you… Captain Cragen might even take you out to one of the action movies that've been playing at the theater or to a ball game… he loves those._ " Olivia explained, knowing she could con Fin or Munch to watch him and that Cragen didn't have much of a personal life, nor did he have kids or grandkids, so he'd probably soak up the opportunity to spend with the boy.

Calvin nodded, then took a minute to collect his thoughts. He seemed to have something on his mind.

" _Sometimes, when my mom was high, she'd tell me that I was the reason none of the rich men stuck around. She said they didn't like that she had a kid or that I was there all the time…._ " He explained, as if he was trying to tell Olivia why he thought the way that he did, and silently begging her to help him, correct him, or just tell him that he was wrong. And of course, that's just what she did.

Olivia quickly shook her head and moved to sit beside Calvin on the couch while Trevor scooted over to sit directly in front of the boy.

" _No._ " She said sternly, looking at him. Olivia had turned sideways on the couch so she could face him. " _That had nothing to do with you, Calvin. That was between your mom and those men. They were the adults. Sweetheart, it's not your fault…_ " She said lightly, sensing the boy might become emotional.

" _I just… I thought that since grandma died… maybe she went back to how it used to be and she didn't want me around because she wanted to be able to be with a nice guy but men don't like kids and… and…_ " Calvin rambled on as he tears began to flow and Olivia's heart broke for him.

She didn't need to look at Trevor to see that he was on the verge of being emotional himself.

" _I don't want Trevor to go or you to break up because then you won't want me here and I have no where else to go…_ " He said as he sniffed and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. Tears were running down his face and Olivia wished it was easier for him to open up to her, she hated that he bottled all of this inside.

" _I'm gonna hug you now, okay?_ " She asked him gently, waiting for him to nod before she wrapped her arms around him and pulled Calvin to her. He immediately wrapped his arms around her torso and buried his head in her shirt.

" _You will always have a place here, Calvin. ALWAYS._ " Olivia stressed. " _Now, in the future, when you're a teenager, or even when you're in your twenties and thirties, whenever._ " She promised him, realizing she was way more invested in helping this boy than she realized.

Olivia leaned down and planted a kiss on top of his head, and continued whispered words of comfort to him.

" _I'll never do to you what you mother did, Cal._ " Olivia closed her eyes as she hugged him tighter, allowing him to cry it out. " _I'll always be here for you, you'll always have a place in my home._ " She promised him, and it was true.

Calvin Arliss would always have a place in Olivia Benson's home and in her heart.

" _And I think Trevor feels the same way…_ " She said, telling Trevor with her eyes to participate in comforting the boy so he'd feel safe with both adults and just not her.

" _She's right._ " He said, and Calvin pulled back a bit to look at Trevor with his tear stained face. " _If you ever need anything and I can help you out, I'm here…_ " He said to the boy, giving him a small smile. " _And for the record, I like kids. Your mom is right, some people don't, but I do, and if Olivia and I ever break up, it won't be because of you… it be because of a more major issue, like her bad cooking or the fact that she sometimes snorts when she laughs…_ "

This caused Calvin to laugh as Olivia let out a sigh and rolled her eyes.

" _I do not… and I cook just fine. Right, Cal?_ " She said, looking down at the boy, hoping he'd agree with her but she had no such luck.

He shrugged his shoulders with another laugh.

" _We've had takeout every day that I've been here…_ " He concluded, causing Trevor to join him in laughter. Olivia even laughed a bit herself as she shook her head.

" _Hey…_ " Trevor said. " _I'm pretty good in the kitchen. If you'd like, I can cook dinner sometimes when Olivia and I aren't working late…_ " He suggested.

Calvin nodded with a small smile. His tears had long since stopped and Olivia was eternally grateful that Trevor had brought humor to their conversation. It was one of the things she really liked about him.

 **How was it? The next one will be better, this was more of a filler chapter.**


	22. Chapter 22

" _We don't have much time…_ " She said quickly as she began unbuttoning her shirt, her jacket already thrown somewhere on the floor.

Both adults were in a frenzy to rid themselves of their clothing knowing both of their lunch breaks usually lasted an hour on average.

The living room and kitchen area had huge windows and could easily double as a sun room, complimentary with the large glass windows in the ceiling.

Olivia shook her head as she gazed around the penthouse that was worth more than she'd ever make. She admired the big, glass windows though, the ones that looked down on the city. She definitely wanted to be fucked up against one.

" _This is ridiculous._ " She told Trevor as she worked on getting her belt off and watching him strip down to his underwear. " _You don't need two apartments._ " She commented, rolling her eyes at the thought of his wastefulness.

He shrugged. " _This one was for family visiting when Grandpa was sick, I just never got rid of it… I was worried something else would happen and I'd need it…_ " Trevor explained as his boxers pooled around his waist, his already hardened cock springing out, awaiting a condom.

Olivia was down to a red thong, one that she'd worn just for this lunch date that they'd planned a couple of days ago. She couldn't help herself. With Calvin living with her for a few weeks now, her sex life with Trevor had taken a hit. Instead of sex whenever they wanted, it had turned into sex once maybe twice a week. That wasn't enough for them, so they'd decided on lunch dates.

She pushed him against one of the walls in the living room, catching him off guard as she slid down on her knees and kissed the side of his groin which had light hair on it.

" _I've missed you…_ " Olivia whispered as she briefly closed her eyes, planting her face in his skin. She heard his intake of breath as she opened her mouth and sucked on one of his testicles. Trevor's right hand made its way into her hair, massaging her scalp lightly as his left hand had a rather firm grasp on the still packaged condom.

" _Jesus._ " He hissed as she moved from one testicle to the other. It was all he could do to not buck his hips into her face. Olivia's left had was massaging the side of his thigh as her right hand grasped his hard member.

" _Oh fuck!_ " Trevor nearly shouted as she kissed the tip of his penis, then licked it, then slowly, ever so slowly, she looked up at him with innocent eyes as she took the whole thing into her mouth while swirling her tongue.

After about a minute of Olivia's head bobbing and Trevor breathing heavy, he halted her performance.

" _You… you gotta stop…_ " He said breathlessly. " _You know how I am… don't wanna ruin this before it gets started…._ " Trevor explained.

Olivia understood and stood up immediately. She was ready. Her thong was wet, she'd been deprived for days now for fear of Calvin hearing or catching her masturbating, so she'd truly been going without while Trevor had been able to masturbate at his own home. She wasn't sure he had though by the way he was acting.

Trevor quickly opened the condom and rolled it on before grabbing Olivia by the waist, dragging her over to one of the huge glass windows overlooking the city from several, several floors up, and pressed her whole-body face first onto it.

Her breath hitched. The feel of the cool glass be pressed against her breasts, stomach, thighs, and top of her mound made her shiver with delight and anticipation.

" _Oh!_ " Olivia gasped as she felt her thong literally get ripped off her body. Her hands were flatted against the glass on each side of her head, as her left cheek was also pressed to the cold service, so she could turn her head to the right. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This was by far one of the sexiest encounters she'd had.

" _I'll buy you more…_ " He whispered into her right ear before licking it and pressing his hardened cock against the swell of her ass.

The thrill of their situation was enough to stimulate them both without even touching each other though. Not knowing who was watching them, who could see them, the kink of being in an open living room up against a window…. It was exactly what she'd wanted and what they'd both needed.

Trevor used his left hand to roughly grab a handful of her hair and pull her head back towards him.

He paused for a moment, seeking consent. " _Is this okay?_ " He asked gently.

" _God, yes…_ " She agreed instantly with her eyes still closed.

" _Did I read you correctly… you want it rough?_ " He questioned.

She opened her eyes then, knowing she needed to look at him as she answered because he would begin to worry and second guess himself.

" _Yes, Trevor._ " She said as her eyes connected with his. " _Fuck me… hard_."

He took a deep breath and his left had shook as he tightened his grip on her hair and pushed her body back towards the glass. Trevor's right hand dipped down to the front of her right thigh and pull her ass towards him roughly. She obliged, poking her ass out so he could have access to her entrance.

It only took a moment to find her slick opening and then he was inside her, filling her completely.

" _T-trevorrr…_." Olivia whimpered as she closed her eyes tightly. He began to thrust hard, not giving her time to adjust but she didn't really need it. She'd been ready for him all day.

She enjoyed every inch of him, she enjoyed the sound that was made by his skin slapping into her ass.

Olivia could honestly say she hadn't been this sexually satisfied since the first and only night that she'd truly slept with Elliot.

After a few moments, Trevor released her hair and grabbed both of her wrists and pinned them above her head with both hands, now his hips purely controlled the thrusts and pace they went at. He was also trusting her to tell him if it was too much.

" _Ohhhh…. Fuck… uhhhhhh….. yessssss…_." With each thrust Olivia made some kind of sound that resembled a moan, whimper, and growl all rolled into one.

Finally, Trevor dropped her wrists and used both of his hands to grab her hips, pulling her back towards him while she used her hands to brace herself on the window. Then, he let his right-hand slip to the front of her clit and rub in circles.

His chin was resting on her left shoulder and they were nearly cheek to cheek.

" _I'm gonna cum, Liv…_ " He ground out, trying to warn her that she didn't have long but before he could even finish his sentence, he felt her muscles tighten around him as she threw her head back, eyes closed and mouth open.

Olivia Benson was coming apart in his arms once again and it was beautiful.

Her knees buckled, and he quickly wrapped both arms around her waist as he began to go over the edge himself.

Not being able to hold them both up due to his orgasm, they sank to the ground. Trevor was sitting on his feet, his knees folded in front of him with her in his lap as he was still in side of her.

They were both completely silent for their orgasms. Something that was rare but also a measurement of how truly powerful it had been. A light sheen of sweat covered them both and they stayed in that one position for at least two minutes trying to catch their breaths.

When Trevor felt his penis begin to soften, he rubbed at her hips, signaling that he needed her to move otherwise she was about to have a condom stuck inside her and no one wanted that. Obliging, she got up and barely made it to the leather couch before she collapsed and reached for the blanket on the back of the couch to cover her intimate areas.

" _Damn…_ " She said as she finally got her breathing back to normal. " _We actually have twenty minutes left._ "

Trevor laughed as he got up and made his way to the master bathroom to dispose of the condom. He hadn't been there in a while, it was just a penthouse they he kept in his name now. No one stayed there but he'd been too scared to get rid of it. It was like a safety net for him. They'd decided to meet up here because it was the closed out of both of their personal apartments from where they both work.

Sometimes Olivia couldn't believe how much money he made being a lawyer. It was just insane.

…

Later that night, Olivia had to wrestle to get Calvin to go to bed. It was just part of being a typical teenager. Wanting to stay up late and sleep in.

She also got another surprise when Dana Lewis knocked on her door after midnight.

The other brunette looked a little worn down and tired, there was something else in her demeaner too, but Olivia couldn't place it. She noticed the brown paper bag that Dana had in hand though.

" _Bourbon._ " Dana said as she walked into the detective's kitchen. " _I need bourbon. You got any?_ " She asked as she began opening random cabinets.

Olivia nodded and told her where to look.

" _What's going on?_ " The detective asked. " _You still undercover?_ " She wondered out loud, knowing if Dana was, then she'd just potentially broken her cover.

Dana opened her mouth to answer but stopped when something caught her eye.

Olivia turned around to see Calvin standing there with a curious look on his face.

" _Who might you be?_ " The FBI agent inquired in a tone that suggested she'd instantly switched to kid friendly mode.

Calvin looked at Olivia. " _This your girlfriend?_ " He asked with a smirk and Olivia rolled her eyes.

She and Calvin seemed to play this game of picking on each other, but he somehow always found a way to get the upper hand on her, which was fine, it meant they had more to joke about and another way to bond, which was something that the boy needed in his life.

Dana didn't skip a beat before she wrapped her left arm around Olivia's waist and kiss her on the cheek.

" _What's it to you?_ " Dana asked Calvin, causing him to start laughing and Olivia to look at them both with annoyance.

" _Don't give him anymore ammo…_." Olivia told Dana as she returned the embrace. " _This is FBI Agent Dana and she's going to arrest you if you don't go to bed!_ " Olivia said to Calvin as he continued to laugh but agreed and slowly went to his room, shutting his door and turning the lights out.

He was tired, and Olivia could see that he'd been fighting sleep, she knew he'd be out in no time.

Dana poured herself a healthy glass of bourbon and asked Olivia if she wanted one too. The other woman declined and motioned down the hall towards Calvin's room. She couldn't get tipsy or drunk while she had a kid in her apartment. She'd experienced that enough with her mom.

" _I didn't know you adopted?_ " Dana questioned as she took a rather long sip of her drink.

Olivia shook her head. " _I didn't. His mom abandoned him practically on my door step. I'm trying to locate his father._ " She explained. " _But Dana,_ " Olivia began, causing the FBI Agent to look at her. " _Somethings wrong here. You have a look on your face and…. And it's not a good one. What brings you here?_ " She asked softly, slipping into her voice reserved for victims.

Dana took a deep breath and looked down at her glass before taking another sip. She didn't want to do this, but Olivia was the only one she could trust.

" _I need a small favor. I can't take this to the FBI lab, so I need you to get Warner to run it as a Jane Doe._ "

Olivia nodded, fearing what she already was true.

" _Who's the victim?_ " Olivia whispered as she took the kit and sat it down on the counter top.

Dana downed the rest of her glass in one go, ensuring that she should at least be filling the effects of the alcohol by now.

" _M-me… I'm the victim, Olivia._ " She said as tears flooded her eyes and she tried to unscrew the top of the bourbon with her shaky hands, but Olivia was behind her quickly to stop her.

" _Alright…. Okay._ " Olivia cooed as she gently placed her hand on top of Dana's. " _I'm gonna put the bourbon up, alright. And we're gonna go sit on the couch and talk._ " She insisted, but Dana looked at her with sad eyes.

" _One more glass, please._ " Dana asked, almost begged.

Olivia had never seen the agent like this before. She was always so strong and powerful. The detective knew Dana wasn't an alcoholic, so she decided she'd let her have a final glass. After pouring it, she put the bourbon back up and walked Dana to the couch.

" _I don't want to talk about it._ " Dana said instantly. " _I… I just don't want to be alone right now._ "

Olivia nodded in understanding.

" _That's fine._ " The detective promised her. " _You can stay the night here. We can talk about anything or nothing, it's your decision. You're in control of what's happening right now._ " Olivia explained, knowing one of the main point for victims who'd been raped were to have control because control was something that'd been taken from them.

Dana shook her head quickly.

" _Don't do that. Don't treat me like a vic._ " She said, then took another sip of her drink.

" _Sorry…_ " Olivia whispered. " _It's a habit._ " She explained.

Dana nodded. She knew how easy it was to fall into police habits.

They sat in silence for a good while. Olivia was positive Calvin was out cold, mostly from the ever so small snores that were coming from his room every now and then.

Finally, Dana spoke. It was quiet, and she wasn't in tears, it was more so a state of shock. Olivia couldn't imagine what the woman was going through. Sealview was one thing but she was pretty sure Dana had been fully raped while conscious.

" _This is karma._ "

" _You can't say that, Dana._ " Olivia insisted.

The other woman nodded.

" _It is… I… I did something really bad when I was a rookie, when I was much younger. It was years ago but it was bad… it was terrible and now…_ " Dana got quiet, not knowing what to say a lost in her own thoughts. " _I didn't think anything could break me. I'm a fucking FBI Agent. I'm trained, and I've been through a lot but this… this is going to break me, Olivia._ " She said as the tears began to flow.

Olivia shook her head and scooted over closer to her friend, looking for any signs that she didn't want her near or didn't want to be touched. The detective stopped close to Dana and motioned for the woman to come closer for a hug. Olivia held her friend as her tears turned into frantic cries of sadness, guild, shame, and sorrow.

" _It's alright, Dana._ " Olivia whispered to the agent. " _Everything is gonna be okay._ "

…

Turns out Dana was working three different cases undercover and she didn't actually want to report her rape, she just needed the DNA results to see if her cover had been blown on any of the three cases. Olivia and Elliot ended up have no choice but to go to her boss, Dana's cases ended up getting screwed up and she was benched after a shootout went down.

There was no DNA evidence when her rape kit came back, however, another victim was found but she wasn't as lucky as Dana, she'd been killed after the rape. Dana was then forced to work with Olivia and Elliot to find the man who was becoming a serial rapist.

They all stood around the large screen in the squad room looking for suspects who'd just gotten out of prison. As much as Dana hated it, Elliot, Cragen, Munch, Fin, and Olivia stood around with her looking at photos and going through possible suspects.

They finally found one that Dana was sure of. When Olivia and Elliot went to see him, he wasn't home and to their annoyance, Dana had followed them.

Unfortunately, their suspect showed up, clearly coming home from getting groceries, which he instantly dropped as he started to run. Dana chased him on her motorcycle and cornered him in a building that was under construction.

There was no talking her out of it. Dana was set on shooting her rapist. He even placed down the nail gun that he'd picked up and she continued to taunt him no matter how much Olivia and Elliot tried to talk her out of it.

When she finally fired her weapon, her hands were shaking so badly that she missed, hit a metal pole, causing the bullet to ricochet and hit Elliot behind her.

" _Elliot!_ " Olivia yelled as she saw it happen in slow motion right before her eyes. She rushed to her partner who was now having trouble standing. She couldn't tell where the bullet had entered because there was so much blood and he was wearing an undershirt, a normal dress shirt, and his suit jacket, but Olivia knew the bullet had been close to his heart, so it wasn't good at all.

Dana didn't understand what had happened at first. Olivia yelled at her in anger and frustrating, explaining quickly how it was Dana's fault that he'd been shot and how she needed to call a bus NOW.

Elliot slowly slid to the ground as he lost strength and blood.

" _You're gonna be okay._ " Olivia said, trying to keep her tears at bay. " _The bus is on it's way, the hospital is close by…. Everything will be… fine._ " She whispered as Elliot's hand came up to caress her cheek.

He was trying to speak but she shushed him.

Dana cuffed the perp to one of the metal poles in the building and slowly walked closer to the couple on the ground.

" _What can I do?_ " Dana asked.

Olivia sniffled, turning to face the woman while Elliot's hand was still on her face.

" _Umm… get the ETA on the ambulance?_ " She said, and Dana quickly grabbed Olivia's walky-talky and began making contact with the proper personnel.

" _You… are…_ " Elliot began but was quickly cut off by Olivia.

" _Shut up!_ " She said. " _No goodbyes. You'll be fine._ " She insisted.

Dana stayed back a ways and watched the exchange with wide eyes while also hoping that she hadn't caused Elliot's life to end. Sure, they didn't like each other and every time she was in town he got hurt in some form, but if she really was the cause of his death, she'd never forgive herself.

…

Surgery took over two hours and Cragen had already told Olivia that he'd contacted Kathy, who'd been out of town but was on her way back and would be there as soon as she could. Olivia wasn't allowed to see him until they'd got him settled into a room.

Elliot was still out from the anesthesia.

All she could do was scoot up a chair beside his bed and hold his hand. The covers were bunched around the top of his stomach and if she had to guess, he wasn't wearing any underwear per procedure for surgery.

There was a big patch of gauze covering his chest and shoulder. She was told that the bullet had just missed his heart, but it hadn't been through-and-through so, they'd had to go in to retrieve the bullet and patch up any tissue or muscles that it'd damaged.

It'd been a miracle that nothing major was wrong. In fact, the doctors told Olivia that with a couple weeks of physical therapy, he should be good as new. She couldn't believe it.

" _You scared the shit out of me._ " She said as she kissed his hand and continued to talk to him even though he was unconscious. " _I… I almost lost you._ "

Over the past month she'd been mad at him, pissed at every little thing, sometimes for no reason. She was just trying to find ways to distance herself from him ever since he'd first told her that he loved her. It wasn't a secret, they'd both known it for a while but, this really put things into perspective.

Briefly, Olivia had seen Dana lurking in the hallway. She figured the FBI agent was probably trying to work up the nerve to come visit him, but she most likely didn't know that he wasn't awake yet.

Olivia kissed his hand again as the tears slipped down her cheek.

Suddenly the door opened and in came Dana.

" _Dana, what are you-_ "

" _A Mrs. Kathy Stabler is on her way to this room right now._ " She said quickly, and Olivia immediately got the message.

Olivia quickly scooted her chair back and released Elliot's hand, jumping up to pull the covers all the way up to his chest just to make the scene look better. She jogged over to sit in a chair across the room and wipe her face just in time because a mere moment after, Kathy opened the door.

Dana watched her friend frantically move about, confirming what she'd been thinking for almost a day now – the two were having some type of affair.

" _Olivia!_ " Kathy exclaimed as she rushed over and hugged the brunette woman. Then she turned around and rushed to her husband.

" _He's okay._ " Olivia said quickly, mustering up a smile for her even though she was pretty sure Kathy could tell she'd been crying.

" _What happened?!_ " Kathy asked.

Before Olivia could answer, Dana spoke first.

" _I shot him._ "

Kathy stared at the other woman in surprise.

" _Not on purpose._ " Olivia quickly filled in, shooting Dana a look. " _This is FBI Agent Dana Lewis. She was shooting at a perp and the bullet ricocheted off a beam and hit Elliot._ " She explained to Kathy.

" _I'm sorry… I'm so sorry._ " Dana said. " _It was an accident._ " She was full of remorse.

Kathy nodded. She knew what the job entailed, and she knew that Elliot knew what he signed up for when he went to work every day.

" _Accidents happen… I'm glad everyone is okay._ " Kathy told them and looked at Olivia. The atmosphere was tense, especially considering the last time Olivia had seen Elliot's wife, it'd been when they were discussing his unborn child that Olivia had miscarried.

As awkward silence set in, Dana decided to speak again.

" _Well we'll get out of your hair…. We just wanted to be here in case he woke up before you arrived. It was nice to meet your Mrs. Stabler._ " She said, shaking Elliot's wife's hand and then giving Olivia a small push towards the door.

" _Let me know if you two need anything._ " Olivia said as she waved by to Kathy. The woman waved back with a small smile and grabbed the chair that Olivia had sat in, scooting it up just as Olivia had in order to be close to Elliot and hold his hand.

After closing the hospital room door and walking a little ways down the hall, Olivia took a deep breath.

Dana remained quiet. She wasn't quite sure what to say. Not only had she accidentally found out about Olivia and her partner, but she'd also apparently shot the man that Olivia loved. And she didn't even know about Trevor.

" _It's not what you think._ " Olivia said silently as she stuffed her hands into her pockets and walked out the sliding glass doors towards the car. She noticed Dana was following her so she figured she'd give the woman a ride too.

" _So, you're not having an affair with your married partner?_ " Dana boldly asked as she slid into the passenger seat.

Olivia huffed.

Dana nodded.

" _It's complicated._ " Olivia said in a small voice.

" _Love always is._ " Dana replied, causing Olivia to look at her and shake her head.

…

The next morning, Dana made her way back to the hospital. She'd been there yesterday to talk with Elliot but hadn't had the chance. She needed to say some things to him, and she needed to apologize.

So, this morning she'd gotten up and gotten herself ready. He should be away today. The doctor had said he'd be in the hospital for at least two days, so she was prepared to go to his hospital room and have a conversation with the man that she'd almost killed.

She knocked on his doorframe with a basket full of flowers, a teddy bear, and a 'get well soon' balloon in tow, happy to see that his door was open and that he was sitting up awake in bed.

" _How you feeling?_ " She asked once he'd motioned for her to come in.

" _Like I got shot._ " He said.

She gave him a small smile and nodded, slowly shutting his door. She didn't want anyone to overhear their conversation.

" _Where's Kathy?_ " She asked.

He gave her a confused look.

" _How do you know my wife?_ " He asked.

Dana explained about the encounter with her yesterday at the hospital, but of course leaving out the part where she'd realized he's been sleeping with Olivia. He clearly didn't' remember telling her that he loved her yesterday before he lost consciousness.

" _She's at home checking on the kids. She'll be back this afternoon._ " Elliot explained. Then he scooted his legs over on his bed and patted the side, making room for her to sit on the edge. He could sense she was needing to talk.

She followed suit, sitting on his bed, facing him.

" _I'm sorry. I'm very sorry, Elliot._ " She began, looking at him with sadness. " _Don't worry, they've taken my gun and badge. I've been suspended without pay._ "

He nodded.

" _I… I don't know why I did what I did. I don't know what's wrong with me._ " She said, fiddling with her hands in her lap.

Elliot exhaled sharply.

" _Dana…_ " He started, and this might have been the only time they'd actually had a civilized conversation with emotion and feeling. " _You were raped._ "

She flinched at his words and he reached out to grab her right hand with his own.

" _It's alright, it happens to a lot of women._ " He explained. " _Involuntary flinching at things you don't understand. Triggers will happen, maybe flashbacks. You might have PTSD…_ "

She looked away as tears filled her eyes.

" _I can tell you aren't getting any sleep…_." He observed, then tugged on her hand to make her look at him again. When she did, he continued. " _I'm not happy about what you did, but I understand it. I get it. You're a victim now, and it sucks, I know it sucks, but you are. And soon, you're gonna be a survivor._ "

" _Yeah well…_ " She let out a fake laugh and she took her hand away from his and wiped her face. " _Thanks for the pep talk Stabler but I'm fine._ " Dana said as she stood up and readied herself to leave. " _I just… I'm sorry I shot ya, alright?_ "

He nodded, realizing and understanding that she was putting her walls up. " _No hard feelings on this one, okay?_ "

She shot him a smile before she slipped out of his room.

…

Olivia ended up convincing Dana to go on the stand and testify against her rapist, which was more painful than she could have ever imagined. She had to give every single detail of her rape, go through everything that had happened and tell the grand jury how she felt. It was excruciating.

Before it was over, Dana was in tears and the judge allowed her to take a recess. During her testimony, Olivia had realized that the rapist had called her Star. The attack was associated with her last alias, one that she hadn't used in over four years.

Her rapist was convicted, Brian Ackerman, the one who set up her rape, was already in prison but was given more time and put in solitary confinement for the rest of his life.

Dana went home with Olivia, who'd already brought Trevor up to speed on things. He'd be staying away for now while Dana spent a couple of nights at her apartment. When they got to Olivia's place, Fin was on the couch playing video games with Calvin. She'd designated him as her babysitter, not yet comfortable with leaving Calvin home alone, especially with all he'd been through.

She looked curiously at the new device in her living room while Dana had said a quick hello to buy Fin and Calvin, then headed to Olivia's bedroom, shutting the door behind her in anticipation of a very long, very hot shower.

" _Fin?_ " Olivia questioned, pointing to the new black box sitting under her TV.

" _It's a xbox!_ " Calvin told her excitedly.

She raised her eyebrows in surprise and question.

" _You… you got him a xbox?_ " She asked in almost shock. She knew they were expensive.

Fin shrugged.

" _I was supposed to run it by you first, I know… but what are uncles for if not for spoiling other people's kids?_ " He said with a small smile as he stood up from the couch and went to stand beside her.

Her mouth hung open, she wasn't quite sure what to think.

" _No violent games, just a couple basket ball games, some football and other sports. There is this one game called Ark but its where you kill animals or tame them… it's like a survival thing._ "

She closed her mouth and nodded.

" _Look… he's never been able to play video games before or any kind of games from the sound of it… I just… he's had to be an adult for so long with the way his mom way, I want him to be able to be a kid again before it's too late…._ " Fin explained with sympathy.

Olivia nodded. She couldn't disagree.

" _Okay, thank you, Fin._ " She said. But then spoke louder and directed it towards Calvin. " _There are gonna be rules. No going online without an adult here, no talking to strangers online, and there is a curfew for the xbox._ " She said, giving Calvin a smile as he rolled his eyes at her rules in typical teenage boy fashion.

As Calvin continued to play whatever basketball game he was working on, she walked Fin to her door.

" _Dana okay?_ " Fin asked as they stepped outside her apartment.

" _She will be._ " Olivia replied.

" _You okay?_ " He asked.

" _I'm fine, Fin._ " She said, not wanting to talk about how her days were going. " _Elliot's okay, that's the important thing. He's the one who got shot._ "

Fin nodded.

" _Yeah, I noticed you ain't as mad at him anymore…_ " He inquired.

Olivia shrugged.

" _I can't stay mad at him forever, he basically almost died, Fin… I almost lost him._ " She replied.

" _Yeah, okay… you need me, you know how to get ahold of me._ " Fin reminded her before he leaned in for a hug, lingering longer than he normally would have because he felt like she needed it more.

She smiled at him as he walked down the hall.

Olivia was tired, so fucking tired and now she had to go talk to Calvin about Dana staying with them for a couple of days. The FBI agent was still suspended, and Olivia was taking a few days off of work. Both women needed some down time.

…

The next case was a bit more sensitive and would have hit closer to home for Olivia, so she was actually glad that she'd taken a couple of days off and had been able to take a few more off in order to avoid the case.

A college student at Kathleen's school had been raped, then another student had gotten pregnant by the same man, and he'd caused her to have a miscarriage without her knowing. And the pregnant female had been excited to have a child, only to find out something happened and her body, she thought, had rejected it.

Elliot kept her up to date on the case since she frequently asked about it and after getting tired of updating her via text and over the phone, he finally just asked her to meet him for lunch.

" _How you been?_ " He asked her as he sat down at their usual bodega.

Olivia shrugged.

" _Fin bought Calvin a xbox, so I've been getting my ass kicked at all kinds of sports games…_." She replied. " _How's the shoulder?_ " Olivia asked.

Elliot nodded.

" _It's better. I got about a week of physical therapy to go and I'll be good._ " He explained. " _I am surprised you agreed to meet me for lunch though…_ " He said.

Olivia shrugged again.

" _You almost died, El… I'm done being pissed at you… at least for now…_ " She said, shooting him a smile. With the way they pissed each other off, who knew when they'd be mad at each other next.

They placed their orders, which for the most part was their usual. Elliot updated her on the case completely and gave her details. She cringed at a few but was glad that she'd taken time off and decided not to help with the case.

Elliot told her about Kathleen and how she felt responsible for her friend's rape because they were supposed to be using the buddy system.

" _It's not Kathleen's fault… you made sure to tell her that, right?_ " Olivia told him, looking at him intently and silently wondering if she should be checking in on Kathleen. They used to be semi-close but now it'd been a long time since she'd talked with the young woman.

" _Yeah, yeah of course… but you know her. She's beating herself up about it, probably will for a while._ " Elliot said as he took a bite of his sandwich. " _Then, when we're discussing the case with Cragen, Fin and Munch pull this shit about how Kathy and I met when we were drunk at a college party and how that's when we sort of hooked up and blah, blah, blah…._ "

Olivia's eyebrows shot up.

" _You got Kathy pregnant the first time you met her which was also the first time you two fucked… at a frat party?_ "

Elliot shook his head quickly.

" _No, no, no…._ " He stated. " _We 'hooked up' as in didn't go all the way just… kissed and stuff…_ "

" _And stuff…_ " Olivia repeated in laughter.

Elliot huffed and rolled his eyes at his partner. Between her and Kathy, they'd be the death of him.

" _How's that going by the way?_ " Olivia inquired. " _You and Kathy?_ " She asked. Olivia remembered the divorce papers she'd seen on the dresser when she'd gone to their home for Eli's birthday. She just wasn't sure how it'd progressed since then and seeing Kathy at the hospital hadn't given her any clues either.

" _Meh…_ " Elliot said, shrugging as he continued to eat, clearly avoiding the question. " _How's lover boy?_ " He asked.

" _He's good…_ " She replied.

They continued to eat and talk about the case a bit more. As usual, Olivia put in her two cents and suggestions about the case and provided any help she could, verbally. Elliot also asked about Dana and how she was doing, Olivia updated him on how she'd spent a couple of night with her, then Dana had gone back to her apartment, which she'd decided to sell because she didn't want to live in the place that she'd been attacked.

They finished eating and Elliot offered to drop her back off at home.

The rode in silence for the most part but halfway through, Olivia reached over and grabbed his right hand with her left. He glanced at her, but she remained staring straight ahead as they locked fingers.

When he pulled up to her building, they sat in silence for a minute. She didn't want to move away from him or step out of the car. She could have lost him just a few days ago.

" _I miss you, El…_ " Olivia whispered into the car, still refusing to look at him.

She liked Trevor, and he satisfied her when they had sex but, he was nothing compared to the man that she'd actually fallen in love with. She missed being in his arms and the way he'd hold her and talk to her when he'd stay the night with her.

" _I'm right here, Liv._ " He promised as he turned to face her even if she wouldn't look at him. " _I'm right here and I'm okay… I've been shot before, it happens…_ " He said with a small laugh.

It took a few moments, but Olivia finally looked up at Elliot.

She didn't hesitate before she leaned in and kissed him, taking both of her hands and placing them on the sides of his face, she deepened the kiss, using her tongue to massage his.

Olivia didn't know if it was the fact that she'd almost lost him or that she'd been deprived in the sex department lately, but she needed him and missed him, even if she was making herself the other woman again.

She pulled back from the kiss, leaving them both breathless.

" _Wow…._ " Elliot said, looking at her in surprise.

His first instinct was to see if she was okay because this wasn't like her. Sure, when they first started she was like this but now that they weren't supposed to be a thing, she didn't randomly kiss him.

His second instinct was to ask if Trevor had done something to send her running into his arms, but that was none of his business unless she offered to share.

" _S-sorry…_ " Olivia stuttered her apology as she pulled back.

" _It's okay._ " He said with a smile.

" _I um… I'm gonna go now. I'll see you when I start back at work._ " She said as she exited the car feeling a bit flustered.

" _Have a good day, Liv._ " Elliot replied, smirking at her as she rolled her eyes but gave him a smile and headed inside her building.

Olivia should have invited him inside since she'd have the place to herself until Calvin got home but she was going to use the rest of the day to center herself and relax.

 **I know it's not my best chapter. Next chapter will have some of Olivia, Elliot, and Trevor with Vivian coming back.**

 **REVIEW PLEASE. Thoughts and ideas are welcomed.**


	23. Chapter 23

**While I'd like more reviews than I'm currently receiving, I understand that it is stressful when a story that you like and follow takes such a long time between chapter updates. So, I'd like to say thank you to everyone who is still readying the story and reviewing. It means a lot to me.**

Calvin had been in Olivia's care for several, several weeks now. He'd learned to fully trust her, and she'd learned things about him too, like how he loved cartoons even though he'd never admit it, he loved pancakes, especially when she put blueberries in them, and Olivia was pretty sure Fin was his favorite 'uncle' so-to-speak.

She'd also been taking Calvin to weekly therapy sessions. He was reluctant at first, until she opened up and told him about how she had seen a therapist at various moments in her life, she even told him about how everyone in her squad had seen a therapist at some point for various reasons, which made him more accepting to the idea.

He'd requested she sit in with him on the first session, but after that, Olivia waited in the waiting area reading magazines while he had his sessions. She could tell they were helping him and she was very grateful.

…

" _Can't I just go to work with you?_ " he asked innocently.

Olivia smiled at him as she packed his lunch on the counter and he continued to put his books in his back pack.

" _I'm sure school would be more fun if you could stop getting into fights and maybe make friends with some of the people on the basketball team?_ " She suggested, earning her an eye roll from Calvin, which made her laugh.

He would have made the basketball team except he'd gotten into two separate fights at school and just one meant that he wasn't allowed to participate in any sporting events. It was the school's policy. But Olivia wasn't so sure Calvin was torn up about not being allowed on the team. She actually was starting to wonder if he'd done it on purpose.

" _I just don't like school…_ " He half whined.

" _You know, if you're like me, one day you're gonna look back and think that school was some of the most fun you ever had…_ " She said as she wrapped his sandwich up and put it in a brown paper bag.

" _Oh, you can remember back that far?_ " He said, looking up and not missing a beat.

She began laughing again. He was getting better at this game.

" _That was a good one…_ " She said, causing him to smile. " _Come on…_ " Olivia called, waving him over.

As he shuffled over to her, he pulled out a piece of paper. Olivia stuffed his lunch in his back pack and zipped it up for him.

" _Here, I made this for you in art class._ " Calvin told her as he held out the piece of paper.

It was done with colored pencils and water colors. The picture was of her in uniform holding her gun. It was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever seen.

Olivia's eyes started to water as she read the bottom where it said, 'I love you, Calvin."

She smiled and looked at him.

" _I love you too, kid._ " She said as she leaned down and kissed him on the head, then walked over to put the picture on the fridge.

She turned around to face him again.

" _Got your phone?_ " She asked.

Olivia had gotten him a phone once she'd started letting him walk to school. Apparently, all the other kids did it and he was deemed uncool when she walked with him, so after a few weeks of giving it a lot of thought, she allowed him to walk himself to school, with a phone for communication purposes.

Every now and then she'd follow him just for her own piece of mind, but he didn't need to know that. And she'd sat down with him and talked him through every single situation she could think of.

" _Got your keys in case you get home before me?_ " She asked after he'd nodded to her first question.

Most of the time, she'd have him meet her at the precinct, and then they'd go home together but on her short days, she'd meet him back at the apartment since the precinct was the opposite direction of her apartment from the school.

Occasionally, Trevor would meet them at the precinct and take them all out to eat or to Olivia's apartment and cook dinner. Those nights were cherished.

" _When are we going to celebrate?_ " He asked her, after nodding to her second question.

Olivia gave him a small smile.

" _I've been thinking maybe Friday?_ " She asked him, raising her eyebrows in question.

Calvin looked at her in confusion.

" _You aren't working late?_ " he questioned, causing Olivia to bite her lip.

She took a small breath and smiled as she revealed her plans to him.

" _I was thinking I'd take off, and you could skip school… maybe we could spend the day together, go to Legoland, have a nice lunch, go see a movie, things like that?_ " Olivia asked, knowing very well that he wouldn't pass up the chance to miss school or do any of the things she'd listed off.

Olivia watched as his eyes lit up with excitement.

" _Really!?_ " He exclaimed.

She nodded, willing herself not to get emotional at his level of excitement.

Calvin ran into, full force, nearly knocking her over as he hugged her tightly.

She chuckled.

" _Okay, now go, or you're gonna be late for school!_ " she told him, pointing her finger at him in a playful manor, and they said their goodbyes, then he was out the door.

…

Olivia tried not to let Elliot's comment from the elevator bother her, but it was stuck in the back of her mind. He'd asked her if she was having any luck locating Vivian or Calvin's father, and that was after he off-handedly asked her how long she was going to be playing 'mom'.

She'd ignored him and given him the silent treatment after telling him off. Olivia explained that it was none of his business but that she wasn't making and progress in finding Calvin's parents. She even mentioned that she'd taken a swab from Calvin and sent it to the lab to see if they got a match, but it came back with nothing.

All Calvin could tell her was that his father's name might be David, and that he's seen the man around a couple of times since he was born but he didn't stay long, and Calvin wasn't even entirely sure that this David guy was his real father.

After she'd explained that to Elliot, they caught a case with a woman who'd been raped and murdered at a rather large house party. Only, it turns out that she wasn't raped at the party, she was raped by one of the first responders in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

The whole thing made Elliot sick to his stomach, and Olivia too. These people who were supposed to be helping victims were just hurting them after they'd already been hurt. One of the first responders was a rapist while the other stole things from the calls they went on, they worked together as a team, covering each other's tracks.

It didn't take much to finish this case because the first responder rapist ended up committed suicide and his partner got serious jail time.

When the ME came back with results from the open house, it was discovered that Vivian's fingerprints were found at the scene as well.

Cragen appointed Fin and Munch to interview the homeowners about Vivian and her girlfriend, Sarah since Olivia had a personal connection to the case and Elliot was her partner.

Soon enough, Munch and Fin discovered Olivia had gone behind Cragen's back and interviewed the homeowners first, which caused Fin to give Elliot a heads up.

…

Olivia was able to track Vivian to an old run-down house on the upper east side. She entered with caution and made note of several syringes and needles, as well as an old steak knife sitting on a box.

When Vivian came into view, she was clearly strung out, wearing a white tank top and grey sweats. She'd mistaken Olivia's entrance for Sarah bringing food.

" _What are you doing here?_ " Vivian asked, once she was focused enough to see that it was indeed Olivia.

" _Don't do anything stupid…_ " Olivia said quickly, blocking Vivian's path to the knife. The brunette detective picked it up and threw it in a large pile of trash in the corner.

" _What do you want?_ " The blonde asked, her eyes red from the drugs.

" _I'm here to help you._ " Olivia tried, not knowing if Vivian would believe her or not, but for Calvin's sake, she was going to try and help her. " _I have to cuff you… I've gotta take you in but Vivian, I swear I'm gonna do everything I can to help you._ " She promised.

As Olivia tried to cuff her, Vivian began to fight. She yelled and screamed, she thrashed around. It was surprising how strong she was for such a tiny woman.

" _You ruin everything!_ " The blonde yelled. " _Wherever my home is, you ruin it! You ruined my life, I thought I knew who I was but then you came along and fucked everything up!_ " She screamed.

" _Vivian…_ " Olivia huffed, facing the woman. " _I know it's hard. I understand-_ "

" _Stop! Just stop saying how much we're alike and how you understand! It's all BULLSHIT!_ " Vivian exclaimed. " _It's crap, I'll never be anything like you, ever!_ "

Olivia was tired. They'd been working this case for three days now and she was just ready to get it over with.

" _Vivian Arliss, you're under arrest…._ " She started.

" _NO!_ " The blonde screamed again. " _Sarah and I are happy! We won't hurt anyone else we promise! Please just leave us alone!_ "

Vivian had sunken to the ground in tears, begging not to be arrested. To be honest, it was typical junkie behavior.

Olivia grabbed Vivian's chin, forcing the woman to look at her.

" _Listen to me, you deserve better than this!_ " The detective told her strongly. She believed Vivian deserved better. Being the daughter of a rapist was tough, being the child of any kind of criminal was rough, especially when you have no support system.

" _And you deserve Calvin…_ " Vivian spoke in such a soft voice that Olivia almost didn't hear her. " _Isn't that what you want?_ " She continued. " _You want my son. You want a child…_." She said, breaking down in sobs. " _If you walk away right now you can have him. Calvin can be your little boy forever, I promise. You can have him…_ "

Olivia stopped trying to cuff Vivian and just stared at her.

To Elliot, who Olivia didn't know was standing by the entrance watching the scene play out and ready to interfere if his partner needed him, it looked like Olivia had stopped cuffing Vivian to contemplate whether or not she should take the deal, whether she should just leave Vivian alone and walk out the door.

But in reality, Olivia had stopped what she was doing and stared at Vivian because she was wondering how a mother, who'd half-way cared for a child for most of his twelve years of life, could just give him away to someone that she barely knew. Not only that, but how could Vivian not want this beautiful, bright, talented boy that she'd brought into the world?

It's one thing to give a child up for adoption at birth because you don't want them or can't take care of them. Those situations, Olivia fully understood. But for a mother to choose drugs over her pre-teen son, so-much-so, that she was practically giving him to a stranger? Olivia couldn't comprehend it. She didn't understand it at all and she wasn't sure that she wanted to.

" _Shut up!_ " Olivia said forcefully, after snapping out of her daze and realizing Vivian was still rambling on.

She pulled Vivian to a standing position with her arms.

" _I know you're a good person…. I can tell…_ " Vivian said. Which Olivia thought was stupid because you can never tell if a person is good or bad by looking at them. " _You want Calvin, right? He's happy with you. You just want him to be happy, don't you?_ "

Olivia held Vivian by her upper arms and stared at her again.

" _Well, Liv, make a decision._ " Elliot's voice came from by the door.

Olivia whipped her head around so fast that her hair flew in her face. She made eye contact with him, instantly wondering how long he'd been there, then hoping that it'd been for a while because she might need a witness to Vivian trying to give her Calvin.

" _It's your choice._ " He said, letting her know that he would back her play, whatever it was.

Olivia swallowed hard and took a deep breath as she turned around and began cuffing a sobbing Vivian.

" _It's time to tell us what happened to Walter Burlock._ " She told Vivian as she began to walk her out.

…

Cragen was pissed.

Both Olivia and Elliot had defied his direct orders. They'd need to be punished, which was more paperwork for him, which was really what he was mad about.

Vivian confessed to killing Burlock. She described the scene, she described the murder in great detail and finished with saying " _The fact that he was my biological rapist father only made it better…_ "

It gave Olivia chills.

Cragen pulled both of them out of the interview room after reprimanding them and put Fin and Munch on the case, even though he was pissed as hell because they'd called Elliot when Olivia had gone rouge instead of him.

Olivia made it to the cribs in record time after the captain had dismissed her. She felt like she couldn't breathe. This case had happened entirely too fast for her. Her head was spinning at everything Olivia had said. She wanted to cry. Not for herself but for Calvin and the heartache that he was going to have when she gave him a watered-down version of everything after the case was over with.

She wouldn't lie to him. He deserved to know the truth.

The door to the cribs creaked open after a few minutes. Olivia's eyes had already adjusted to the darkness of the room, she could tell it was Elliot. From her position of laying on the bed, she leaned her head up and looked at him, wondering if they needed her back downstairs for the case.

But Elliot shut the door behind him and leaned his back against it, holding his hands up in surrender.

" _I know I've been an asshole lately, and if you want me to leave, I will, but I just wanted to come check on you…_."

Olivia rolled her eyes and huffed but moved over on the small bed to make room for him to lay to her right.

He understood immediately and made his way to the bed and laid down beside her, still unsure of what mood she was in or how she was going to react to him.

To his surprise, she grabbed his left arm and put it behind her, so she could snuggle into his side.

" _Sometimes I hate you so fucking much I can't stand it…_ " She said as she pressed her body up to his and felt his arm hug her.

He smiled in the darkness.

" _Water and gasoline…_ "

She snorted.

Silence fell upon them and it stayed like that for several minutes. He was starting to wonder if she'd fallen asleep. He almost hoped she had, then he could have more time with her like this. They didn't do this much anymore, and he rarely got to hold her like this now but when he did, he loved every minute.

" _Would you have really let me walk out of that house without Vivian?_ " She asked into the silence.

" _Yes._ " He answered without missing a beat. Elliot wrapped both arms around her and hugged her tightly. " _You're my partner. I'll always back your play._ "

She moved to sit up on her elbows and look at him.

" _You would have seriously walked me out of that house and let Vivian go?_ " Olivia asked in seriousness.

" _Yes._ " He replied looking at her. " _I would have gotten you out of there if that's what you wanted…. but I'm a good cop._ " Elliot told her. " _I would have made sure Fin and Munch came behind us and picked up Vivian._ "

Olivia let out a breath that she didn't realize she'd been holding and resumed her position in his arms.

" _If I ever ask you to jeopardize a case for me, don't do it._ " She told him.

Elliot didn't reply, he just hugged her tighter.

" _That's my call, not yours._ " He said after a few moments of silence.

So many things were going through her head. Everything that'd happened with Vivian, then there was Calvin. How was she going to explain all of this to him? And then there was the news that she needed to tell Elliot.

" _What you said in the Elevator the other morning about me playing mom, it really hurt my feelings…_ " Olivia told him. They hadn't had much time to talk over the past couple of days but now was as good of a time as any.

" _I'm sorry… I didn't mean it like it sounded…_ " He tried to explain, taking a deep breath. " _I'm worried you're gonna get hurt again. You've already been through so much and I was just trying to keep you grounded. I was trying to make sure you kept in mind that he isn't yours and you aren't his mom…. I'm scared you're gonna get attached to him, he's such an amazing kid, and then if he gets ripped away from you…._ " Elliot backed up a bit, removing his arms from her and turning on his side so he could be face-to-face with her on the small bed. " _A person can only go through so much shit, can only be so strong until they break and you're by far one of the strongest women I've ever met…_ "

He leaned in and gently kissed her lips. She allowed it, closing her eyes and enjoying his lips on hers, it was a feeling she'd missed.

" _You know how I feel about you…_ " Elliot whispered as she stared at him. " _I know you're strong but… I'm just worried is all._ "

Olivia lifted her left hand and caressed his face. She traced his eyebrow with her thumb and ran her fingers down, outlining his jaw line and lips before caressing his cheek. Slowly she leaned in and kissed him. Deeply.

Their tongues swirled as she closed her eyes and let out a small moan. Her hand left his face as her arm made its way around his waist and pulled him closer, slipping her leg between his and feeling him harden against her thigh. His right hand caressed her ass through her slacks, causing her to rock into him.

It was a heated make out session.

When she finally pulled away, they were both gasping for air.

" _I need to tell you something…_ " She said, looking at him, but before she could answer, there was a light knock on the door, which was odd. No one knocks on the crib door.

" _Um… come in?_ " Olivia called out after she and Elliot had quickly extracted themselves from each other and Elliot had quickly moved to a separate bed beside Olivia's.

" _Hey…. So, Sarah is here…_ " Fin said as he slowly opened the door.

Olivia sat up quickly.

" _She came in on her own?_ " Olivia asked. Elliot had gotten up from his bed and had started walking towards Fin.

" _What does she want?_ " Elliot asked.

" _Says she killed Burlock… not Vivian._ " Fin said. "Better get downstairs." He told them. Elliot nodded and was the first to leave, quickly heading to see what else Sarah had said.

Olivia got up and walked closer to Fin, who was waiting for her.

" _You don't usually knock…_ " She said in a low voice, not wanting Elliot to hear her.

He shrugged.

" _Didn't wanna walk in on anything that'd scar me for life… I never know what you two are doing up here…_ " Fin replied.

Olivia threw him a look as she moved past him to make her way downstairs.

…

Turns out, Vivian's lover, Sarah, had in fact killed Burlock. She claimed she'd done it for Vivian because she wanted Vivian to be happy and not have to worry about him, where he was, what he was doing, or who he was raping.

The next day, Sarah was arraigned and a bail for $500,000 was set. Of course, Vivian bailed her out. Since her mother had died, Vivian was apparently rolling money from life insurance and a sum of money that had been left for her by her mother.

Unfortunately, Sarah wasn't able to get very far because she was murdered as she was bringing the car around for Vivian, who had been stopped outside of the courthouse by Olivia. While Vivian had been demanding to see Calvin, someone had murdered her girlfriend.

After some investigating, Olivia and Elliot thought the killer was Gamble but the killer spit on Sarah's face and Melinda ran the DNA, which was a familiar match to Calvin. The boy's biological father had murdered Sarah.

Olivia instantly felt nauseous when she found out.

She and Elliot made their way over to David's apartment to find him already waiting on them and ready to be taken into custody.

" _Sarah stole Vivian from me. I got sober, I talked Vivian into getting sober and going to rehab… where she met Sarah…. I tried to see Calvin. I wanted to spend time with him and take care of him. I wanted Vivian to get clean, so we could be a family but… but it just didn't work…_ " David explained to them while they were taking him into custody.

" _I loved Calvin… and… and then Sarah convinced Viv to leave him. They wouldn't even leave my own son with me… they gave him to you…. I know what I did was wrong._ " He explained.

Olivia had kept her mouth shut and let Elliot cuff David as she took the gun for evidence.

" _Can I see him or speak to him?_ " David directed towards Olivia.

She bit her lip in thought. Calvin surely had questions for David. Questions that deserved answers.

" _Maybe._ " Olivia finally replied, looking at David and knowing Elliot was observing her. " _I'll have to talk to him, it has to be his choice. If he doesn't want to or isn't okay with it, then no._ " She said firmly.

" _I understand._ " David answered, then was led out of the room by Elliot.

…

Back at the precinct, Elliot had dropped Olivia off and then took David to central booking since Thursday was one of the days that Calvin came to the precinct after school.

When Elliot came back, Calvin was already there and had seemed to make himself at home in Elliot's chair.

" _Did we get a new detective?_ " Elliot asked, acting surprised as he looked at Calvin spinning around in his chair, causing the boy to roll his eyes and Olivia to laugh.

" _Cal, let Detective Stabler have his chair back._ " She said softly. The boy obeyed and removed himself from the chair and walked across the room to sit at one of the empty desks. Fin watched him and smiled, noting that he hadn't sat in the chair at the end of Olivia's desk that was used for victims giving a statement, mostly because it didn't roll or spin around.

Elliot sat in his chair and started filling out his DD-5s so he could head home soon. Olivia was already doing the same and undoubtedly so was Fin.

Olivia planned on talking to Calvin when they got home. She was going to tell him a light version of what had happened that week with his parents.

" _Detective Benson?_ " Called a man in a suit as he entered the room?

" _Yes._ " She said, standing up and heading over to him.

" _I'm Paul Vereker, from Child Protective Services._ " He explained. " _I'm here about Calvin Arliss._ "

" _Okay._ " Olivia replied calmly. Calvin looked up from the chair that he was spinning in and got up slowly.

" _I'm here to get Calvin and to notify you that you are no longer his legal guardian._ " Paul said, handing Olivia a piece of paper.

" _This letter terminates your rights and responsibility of legal guardianship immediately per the written revocation of those rights by Vivian Arliss._ " Olivia read out loud.

" _Mom?_ " Calvin said as Vivian entered the room.

" _Hey kiddo…_ " She said, slowly walking towards him.

Calvin stepped closer to Olivia's desk and both Fin and Elliot were up out of their seats. Fin stood behind Calvin, letting his presence be known to the boy, showing the kid that he had support. Elliot walked closer to Vivian to stop her from getting any closer.

" _Custody has been reassigned to Calvin's paternal grandparents…_ " Paul explained further.

Olivia stood there in shock for a brief moment before quickly jogging to her desk and opening a drawer.

" _You're gonna go live in Vermont for a little bit…_ " Vivian said to Calvin, stepping around Elliot to make her way over to her son.

" _No._ " Calvin said quickly, looking to Olivia in a panic, who was frantically digging in her desk now.

" _Son, you don't have a choice…_ " Paul said.

" _Oh, yes he does…_ " Olivia said, finally finding the stapled papers that she'd been searching for.

Elliot bit his lip.

" _Liv, it was temporary… you knew it was always temporary…_ " He tried soothing her, but she ignored him and presented Paul with the stack of paperwork.

" _I'm just here to escort this young man to where he belongs._ " Paul tried. He looked annoyed, as if he just wanted to get everything over with.

" _I belong with Olivia!_ " Calvin shouted suddenly. " _You can't take me away from her, she adopted me, we were supposed to celebrate tomorrow! Olivia don't let them take me!_ " He said frantically, looking to Olivia with tears welling up in his eyes and backing away from Vivian and closer to Fin.

Vivian looked at Calvin in confusion.

" _I am officially Calvin's legal mother. The judge signed off on it earlier this week. That boy is my son._ " Olivia said forcefully, pointing a finger at Calvin. " _And you can't take him from me._ "

Elliot's face showed shock. Had she really adopted Calvin officially?

Fin stepped in front of the boy and crossed his arms.

" _Back up._ " He told Vivian. If Calvin wanted to be near her or go with her, the boy would have said something but right now, his body language showed fear and panic and Fin was stepping in.

Paul looked confused as well, as he began to scan the papers that Olivia had handed him. The brunette detective made her way over to Calvin, who was now standing behind her desk as if it could shield him from the scene that was playing out before his eyes.

" _You said no one would be able to take me away now…_ " He said to Olivia as she came closer. Calvin wrapped his arms around her waist tightly and she returned the hug.

" _They can't._ " She replied softly. " _Everything's fine. You're gonna be fine. You aren't going anywhere._ " Olivia cooed as she leaned down and kissed his head.

Just then, Trever jogged through the entrance of the squad room with what looked like papers from court in his hands. He was clearly out of breath and looked pissed.

" _First of all…_ " He said as he tried to catch his breath. " _I'm filing a complaint with your office for late notification. As Calvin's attorney, I am to be notified BEFORE anything takes place._ " He explained, directing his harsh words at Paul. " _And second, here is a court order from the judge, blocking your motion._ " Trevor said as he handed the papers over.

" _Come on, sit down and take some deep breaths for me, yeah?_ " Olivia said to Calvin as she guided him to her chair and took out a bottle of water from her desk drawer, handing it to him.

Elliot couldn't stop looking back and forth between Olivia, Trevor, Paul, and Vivian. His head was spinning. He stood back and stayed quiet, not knowing what to do.

" _As of the beginning of this week, Olivia Benson officially adopted Calvin Arliss. She is legally his mother and he is legally her son. You cannot take him from her. It's against the law._ " Trevor said forcefully to Paul.

Trevor was a bit more invested in this case since it was so personal to him, therefore his emotions were making themselves known.

Paul continued to flip through the set of papers Olivia gave him and the set that Trevor had presented him with.

" _You can't just adopt my son! I'm his mother, he's mine!_ " Vivian half yelled at Olivia.

" _He's not a possession! He's a human being and he doesn't belong to anyone!_ " Olivia shot back, getting up and walking over to Vivian, who took a few steps back. " _If you acted more like a mother, you wouldn't be in this situation._ " Olivia told the blonde. " _You abandoned Calvin. Literally. You left him at a police station, which is one of the legal definitions of child abandonment in the state of New York. After you abandon a child for three months, he or she is eligible to be adopted by another party. As of two weeks ago, I started the adoption paperwork, and thanks to you and your actions, it went pretty smoothly._ "

Fin had backed up and made his way to Calvin, being a support system but also doubling as a guard in cause Paul or Vivian tried to come close to him again.

Odafin was having it.

Elliot finally came out of his daze and also made his way over to Calvin, grabbing a box of tissues from his desk on the way and giving them to the boy as he sat down in a chair beside Calvin.

" _We've got your back._ " Elliot told him with a small smile. " _Everything is gonna be alright._ " He promised the boy, even though he wasn't sure what the fuck was going on or going to happen.

Vivian was still stood frozen. It seemed like she didn't know what to do, so she looked to Paul for guidance.

" _They're right._ " He told her after he'd finished reading the papers. " _It seems that Detective Benson had legally adopted Mr. Arliss. He is her adopted son now…_ " Paul said, looking to Vivian.

" _No!_ " Vivian said, crying.

Olivia looked at Fin and Elliot, then she nodded her head towards Vivian. " _Get her out of here…_ " She said lowly as she made her way to Calvin again.

" _I want to see my son!_ " Vivian said as she was being escorted out by Fin and Elliot.

" _That'll be up to him at a later date…_ " Olivia replied, casting a glance at Vivian as the other two detectives helped her to the elevator followed by Paul, who looked ready to leave.

Calvin was still teary as Olivia looked at him and sat down in the chair that Elliot had occupied beside the boy.

" _It's okay._ " She told him softly. He leaned his head against her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around him, closing her eyes tightly. " _I promised you I'd keep you safe, and that's exactly what I'll do. You know that…_ " Olivia told him. " _No one can take you from me. My home is your home, right?_ " She felt him nod against her shoulder as he sniffled.

She thought back to when he'd asked about the adoption, how thrown she'd been.

…

FLASHBACK:

They had been sitting in the living room playing Friday the Thirteenth, a game that Olivia had contemplated getting him because it had violence in it but when she did the demo to see what it was like, she found she liked the game herself. Calvin knew it was wrong to kill people obviously, and the only bad stuff it had was blood, guts, and gore so she'd finally decided to buy it.

But just like his phone, there were conditions with this game. He wasn't to talk to anyone, not like he could anyways because he didn't have a connect device or headset but there were always messages on the xbox that could be sent. And he was only to play it with her or Fin, especially since the game involved playing with other very real people on the internet. They could always hear what the others were saying but couldn't reply and if it was someone with a foul mouth, Olivia just muted that user.

During one of their sessions, after they'd both been killed and were waiting for Jason to kill the other players so they could start a new session, Calvin caught Olivia off guard.

" _Do you think my mom's dead?_ " He asked, looked at Olivia who was on the opposite end of the couch as her.

Olivia's eyebrows raised in surprise.

" _Okay… maybe getting this game wasn't the best idea…_ " she tried to joke but saw the serious look on his face. " _No, honey. I don't. I think she's just… out with Sarah… doing things…_." She said.

" _Drugs?_ " Calvin asked.

Olivia gave him a sad look.

" _Yeah… I think it's a good possibility…. But, you know, just because someone does drugs, doesn't make them a bad person. They're just doing a bad thing. Good people do drugs… it's an addiction._ " Olivia tried to explain, not knowing exactly how much he'd be able to understand and comprehend.

" _What if she comes back and tries to take me away…_ " He asked her.

Olivia put her remote down on the coffee table, realizing this was going to be a serious conversation and forgetting the game they were playing.

" _If she's still on drugs, that won't be allowed. And I'm still trying to find your father…_ " She reminded him. Olivia had already broken the news to him that his DNA didn't come back as a match to anyone in their system.

" _What if I don't want to go with her… even if she's clean… it'll just be a matter of time before she does drugs again…_ " Calvin said sadly.

" _Hey, you don't know that…_ " Olivia replied, reaching over and giving his shoulder a brief squeeze.

" _I'm happy here, Olivia. I… For the first time, I like where I am… and I know I complain about school but it's not that bad… and I have a couple of friends…. Real friends._ " He explained.

" _I know… and I'm so happy for you._ " She replied, waiting for him to make his point, sensing that he had one.

" _And I don't even know my dad… I don't want to live with a stranger. I like you and Trevor and…_ " Calvin began tearing up.

" _Hey…_ " She called to him, scooting close to him. " _What's wrong?_ "

" _I… I want you to adopt me._ " Calvin said quickly, looking at Olivia with wide eyes.

" _W-what?_ " She said, thinking she'd heard him wrong.

" _I looked it up and… and on the internet it says if I've been with you for three months you can adopt me and it's almost been three months and I asked the therapist and he said that was right and that you could do it…_ " Calvin explained quickly, his words running together. He was talking so fast that Olivia barely understood him.

Olivia's mouth hung open. Had it really almost been three months already?

" _I know you might not want to and if you don't that's okay and I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said-_ "

" _Calvin,_ " Olivia said calmly. " _Take a deep breath._ " She said calmly, with a small smile. Calvin did as he was instructed. " _That's good, keep doing that, it's alright._ " She cooed.

After a minute or so of getting him to calm down, she finally answered him.

" _I would love to adopt you…_ " She said as her eyes began to water.

" _But?_ " He asked, sensing that something else was coming.

" _But you need to be sure. Once we go through with it, there is no undoing it. If we find your mom or dad, you'd still be my… my kid…_ " Olivia explained. " _Why don't you take a few days to think about it, and if you're sure, then when the three months date is here, we'll get Trevor to help us draft and file the paperwork?_ " She suggested.

" _Really?_ " Calvin asked in surprise, as if he was genuinely surprised that Olivia would want to officially adopt him.

" _Yes… I would love to adopt you._ " She told him with a big smile, then leaned in to hug him tightly. " _Anyone would be lucky to have you as a son, Calvin. Especially me._ " Olivia added as she continued to hug him. " _I have grown to love you very much, Calvin, and if you want to be my son, I would be honored._ "

" _I love you too, Olivia…_ " He mumbled into her shoulder.

Olivia's heart swelled. She had no idea that this had been on Calvin's mind or weighing on him so heavily.

So, a couple of weeks passed and when Calvin brought it up again, Olivia was ready, she was on board, and she'd already given Trevor a heads up. The attorney had been supportive and together, they all sat down to talk it out and hash out the paperwork.

Trevor set up a hearing in the judge's chambers to present the paperwork. Olivia had notified both Cragen and Fin. She needed witnesses to everything that'd happened and to the signing of the paperwork. She needed her captain and Fin to give their statements about how she'd done everything in her power to locate Vivian and Calvin's biological father.

Melinda verified that none of the DNA testing showed any matches.

After the seriousness of the situation was explained, the judge agreed to grant the adoption request quicker than most cases. Everyone was surprised but also relieved.

" _Are you happy?_ " Olivia had asked Calvin once they'd gotten back to her apartment after their detour to the ice cream shop.

" _Yeah…_ " Calvin nodded with a small smile.

" _Anything you wanna talk about? You got any questions?_ " She asked him carefully as they sat down on the couch.

" _My mom can't take me away from you now, right?_ " He asked cautiously.

" _Right._ " Olivia replied confidently.

" _No matter what?_ "

" _No matter what._ " She agreed.

After a few minutes of silence, Calvin spoke again.

" _I still love my mom…_ " He said.

" _Hey, I know you do. And it's alright, she's still your mom._ " Olivia said, trying to tell him that it was okay. She knew this had been hard on them but between now and their first conversation about the adoption, they'd talked some more, and she'd come to the conclusion that they'd made the right decision.

Her home was a stable environment for him, she'd cut back her hours to spend time with him and make sure he was cared for. Living with her, Calvin got three meals a day, fun, and happiness. She loved him and he loved her. They'd grown a lot together within the past three months and while it seemed like a short amount of time to decide to make someone your son, she wouldn't have her life any other way than it was right now.

She and Calvin fit together perfectly.

They shared a close bond. Olivia was his friend but when she needed to step in and be a parent, she could, and he understood that above all, she only wanted what was best for him, and he knew to listen to her and do what she said when it came down to it.

He'd been on his own for so long, even with Vivian in his life and now, he finally had a chance to survive and thrive.

Calvin had yet to call her mom and Olivia had already told him that he didn't have to.

She'd wanted to tell Elliot and Munch. Olivia had been so fucking excited that she'd wanted to tell the world, but she and Calvin had agreed that they'd tell everyone else together. They'd played around with the idea of hosting a dinner one night with all of their closest friends and family and tell them, but they were still undecided.

" _You're truly happy though, right?_ " Olivia tested.

" _Yes._ " He replied quickly, wanting to reassure her that he was right where he wanted to be.

" _Alright._ " She said and leaned over to kiss his head.

They spent the rest of the day talking and playing video games. Olivia was happy, she was truly happy. She used to think she needed Elliot to be fully happy in her life. Then she thought she needed Trevor. Now, she knows she needs Calvin in her life. He makes her smile and keeps her on her toes.

The only male that she truly needed in her life is sitting on the couch next to her, kicking her ass at video games.

…

PRESENT DAY:

After a few minutes, Elliot and Fin came back into and Trevor had already settled himself atop of Olivia's desk beside Calvin. He and Olivia had worked on calming the boy down and reassuring him that he wasn't going anywhere no matter what.

" _He okay?_ " Fin asked as he approached the group.

Olivia nodded and gave Fin a weak smile.

" _Thanks._ " She whispered as he came over.

She glanced at Elliot who'd kept his distance upon entering the room. Olivia knew she needed to talk with him, she knew he was having some emotions about the whole situation and there was no way that he'd missed the fact that Fin hadn't been in shock about the adoption.

" _Guys, give me a minute._ " Olivia told the men. " _I'll be right back, sweetheart…_ " She directed at Calvin as she got up and walked across the room towards Elliot, nodding her head towards the other hallway, silently telling him that she wanted him to follow her into an interrogation room to talk.

Elliot agreed and followed her lead.

They entered the room and Olivia shut the door, put the blinds down, and flipped the switch to make sure no one could eaves drop on them.

Elliot walked towards the table, leaning his ass against it and crossing his arms, waiting for her to speak.

She huffed as she leaned against the wall across from him, bracing herself with her hands.

" _I'm sorry…_ " Olivia said quietly, looking at him. " _I tried to tell you yesterday in the cribs, but Fin interrupted…_ "

Elliot nodded, staying quiet.

She couldn't tell if he was mad, sad, upset, or just not caring.

" _Look,_ " Olivia said softly, sighing. " _We've grown as people… I'm… I'm finally a mom._ " She said. " _And I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not sorry about it. I get to say that that little boy out there is my son._ " Olivia said as she pointed in the direction of the squad room where the other three guys were.

" _I don't care if it makes me unattractive or if it means I'll never be able to hook a man and get married…_ " She explained. " _I love that boy so fucking much… and he seems to love me._ "

Elliot's eyes narrowed in question as he stared at her.

" _You think you're unattractive because you're a mom?_ " He asked.

" _I know it's not exactly a man's dream to be with a woman who has a teenage son…_ " She replied, glancing around the room.

Elliot shook his head.

" _Trevor's still here isn't he?_ " He said. " _I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere._ " Elliot explained. " _I'm just as attracted to you now as I have been the past ten years or so…_ " He said, causing Olivia to roll her eyes.

" _What I'm saying is,_ " Olivia tried to lay down the ground rules for her new-found motherhood. " _Calvin is my priority now. Permanently. All of my free time goes to him. Not Trevor, not you, to him. I love him. He's the guy in my life and I'm gonna do my damnest to make sure he has the life he deserves._ "

Elliot snorted and got up from the table, reaching for Olivia. He grabbed her arm and pulled her to him in a hug.

" _Take it from me._ " He said as she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his shoulder. " _You can still have a sex life when you have kids…_ " He said with a small laugh.

Olivia pulled back and looked at him in seriousness.

" _El, your marriage is going down the drain. Months ago, when I had that conversation with Kathy, I saw the divorce papers on the dresser… I don't know if you've signed them or ripped them up again but that's what, the third or fourth time you and Kathy have had divorce papers drawn up?_ "

Elliot shook his head and pulled her to him again, hugging her tightly.

" _My failing marriage has nothing to do with my kids or with sex. It's purely a thing between me and Kathy. That's all…_ " He explained.

" _Or it could have something to do with you having an affair with your partner…_ " She mumbled into his shoulder.

He exhaled harshly.

" _Don't go there…_ " He said, stroking her hair. " _Today is a happy day, this week is a happy week…_ " He told her, pulling back and making her face him. " _You have a son, you're a mom._ " He said with a big smile. " _And I couldn't be happier for you._ "

" _Really?_ " She asked, her eyes beginning to water.

" _Of course… I'm sorry I've been such an ass lately…_ "

She nodded. " _You have been a huge ass lately…_ " Olivia said laughing.

Elliot rolled his eyes and smiled.

They were face-to-face and she was looking into his eyes.

" _I still miss you…_ " She whispered as her eyes drifted to his lips briefly.

Elliot nodded.

" _I miss you so fucking much, Liv._ "

" _We're different people now…_ " She said. " _I'm a mom…_ " Olivia loved saying it, and she'd probably be saying that specific phrase to herself for the next few weeks, reminding herself that she was officially the mother of this amazing pre-teen boy.

He smiled. " _You are…_ " Elliot stated. " _You really wanna stop this thing between us?_ "

Olivia bit her lip.

" _No…_ " She whispered, then leaned in and placed a quick peck against his lips.

" _Because say the word and I won't touch you again. I won't flirt, I won't stare, I won't do anything, I swear._ " He promised her.

Olivia huffed.

" _I like it when you touch me, when you flirt with me or check my ass out when I walk away…_ " She said. " _But, I'm a mom now. I have Calvin. I need to be responsible. If we get caught, it'll be bad. Kathy could sue me… not to mention your kids could get hurt and I can't live with that, I just can't… MY kid could get hurt._ "

Elliot nodded in understanding.

" _But I still care about you… very much._ " Olivia said, leaning up and kissing him again, this time with more passion.

After they pulled away, Elliot kept his eyes shut for a bit longer, trying to savor the moment.

" _You gonna kick my ass if I say it?_ " He asked boldly.

Olivia gave him and unimpressed look.

" _You can say it this once… but just this once…_ "

Elliot smiled, knowing it was hard for her to hear but she obviously liked to hear it at least to some extent if she was allowing him to say it.

" _I love you, Liv…_ "

She exhaled once more and was on him quickly, her tongue was in his mouth and his arms wrapped around her shoulders quickly as they began a heated make out session. It was filled with passion and hunger.

Olivia backed off when she felt Elliot began to harden against her lower stomach.

" _We need to get back out there, or else Fin is really gonna think we're fucking…_ " She said, joking.

Elliot shrugged but followed her through the door.

Olivia still had a long night ahead of her. She needed to go home and have a long conversation with Calvin. She needed to tell him what all had happened with his mom and dad as well as Sarah. She'd have to explain about why Sarah killed Burlock. It'd be all over the news by the morning anyways and she was glad she'd already planned to keep him from school.

Calvin knew what rape was, they'd covered that early on, but now she'd need to explain that Vivian was a product of rape and Olivia was sure Calvin would have questions. Which meant she'd probably open up to him and tell him about her own past. She didn't want to have any secrets with him and it was important to her that he know her past and who she was, where she'd come from and what all she'd overcome and conquered in her life, to an extent.

 **Please review.**


	24. Chapter 24

**I just wanted to say thanks for all of the reviews. I love them, the good and bad ones!**

 **Also, I wanted to make it clear that this isn't becoming a Calvin and Olivia centered story. I've put Olivia through a lot of shit, and there's more shit that she's going to go through, so personally, for me, I needed her to have something happy. Calvin is her happy. There may be scenes with Calvin here and there, but eventually, he's going to be a background person while the story still focuses on Olivia and her love interests.**

 **Thank you for still reading.**

The knocking on Olivia's door was consistent and slightly loud.

As her eyes focused in on the red numbers on the clock, she could see that it was nearing two-thirty in the morning. She grabbed her gun as she made her way to the door.

Looking through the peephole, Olivia saw Elliot's tired form.

" _Hey…_ " she said softly as she opened the door after unlocking the deadbolt.

The detective was dressed in her striped blue sleep pants accompanied with her long sleeve white shirt, and a bra that she'd bought especially for sleeping in. Olivia had really done it out of respect for Calvin. She couldn't walk around in booty sleep shorts and a tank top anymore, nor did she want her nipples making a strong appearance through her shirt if she had to suddenly get up at night for some reason.

The boy had already been through so much personal and sexual trauma with his mother at a young age, so much so, that normal things that parents might wear around their daughters or even sons, she couldn't and wouldn't.

" _Sorry…_ " He said once he looked down and saw the gun in her hand.

Olivia shook her head absently.

" _It's just a habit._ " She replied, shrugging and opening the door wider for him to enter.

Elliot gazed around the apartment, taking in the layout and colors that he wasn't accustomed to. It was different. The door opened to a small space before the walkway led to the large living room. The kitchen was on the far side and bigger than her last.

He saw a hallway lit up by the night light she had plugged in.

" _I shouldn't have come… you weren't answering your phone. I'm sure you didn't want to be woken up in the middle of the night on your day off._ " Elliot told her apologetically, looking back at her.

She shrugged. Taking a few days off for the move had done wonders for her. There were still a few boxes around the apartment here and there, but for the most part, she'd finished unpacking and seemed at home.

" _It's alright._ " Olivia replied. " _I'm actually not sure where my phone is…_ " She said, glancing around the living room as they entered, to see if she could locate it anywhere.

Olivia set her glock down on the small table under her flat screen tv.

" _Nice place._ " Elliot stated, gesturing at her new apartment.

She smiled in return.

" _Calvin's room._ " Olivia said, pointing to a door leading down a small hallway by the living room. " _Bathroom, and guest room._ " She continued, pointing to a door beside Calvin's room, then to a door across the hall from the boy's room.

" _Master bedroom and bathroom, all mine…_ " She said with a big smile as she pointed down the longer hallway on the other side of the room that ran past the kitchen. " _And there's a laundry room down there somewhere…_ " Olivia said with a shrug, as if she hadn't really used it but they both knew it was a joke.

Elliot smiled at her, realizing just how in love she was with her new home.

" _I hope I didn't wake him…_ " He said, suddenly biting his lip and wondering if he'd disturbed his partner's newest family member.

" _Doubt it…_ " She said as she walked over to Calvin's door and lightly knocked on it.

As she opened the door slowly, she widened it so that Elliot could see Calvin passed out in bed with neon green noise cancelling headphones on.

Elliot raised his eyebrows in question.

" _He's been having nightmares ever since Vivian came back… they were getting bad and the therapist suggested listening to soothing music to fall asleep, and to even have it playing throughout the night… something about sleep therapy and how the sounds will keep his mind focused on one thing without drifting off to another and ending up dreaming about bad thoughts, fears, or memories…_ " Olivia explained as she shut Calvin's door. " _Trevor got him the headphones, but he also has one of those sleep sound machines you can turn on that plays the sounds of waves, rain, thunderstorms, and things like that._ " She continued as they walked towards the couch.

Elliot gave her an impressed look and nodded his head in understanding.

" _Speaking of Trevor…_ " She said, deciding against sitting on the couch. " _Let's take this to my room. He's in the guest room sleeping and I don't wanna wake him, he has work in the morning._ " Olivia explained as she side-stepped the couch and walked across the room to retrieve her gun from the tiny table.

She didn't need to look at Elliot to know he was confused.

Olivia started walking to her room and glanced at him, jerking her head towards her room at the very end of the longer hallway.

She waited until he was inside before she shut the door quietly and went to put her gun away in the top drawer of her night stand.

Elliot gazed around her new bedroom. It was much bigger than her previous one and while he couldn't see inside the bathroom, he could already tell that it was bigger too. A TV was mounted on the wall in front of her bed and he could see she still had a pile of dirty clothes in the corner, a pile that always seemed to be somewhere in her apartment no matter where she lived.

" _You and Trevor having problems?_ " He asked lightly, wondering if he was crossing a line but also knowing that if he was, she'd put him in his place.

Olivia snorted.

" _You'd like that, huh?_ " She asked, staring at him with humor as she made her way to the large bed and sat down, tucking her right leg up under herself.

Elliot shook his head slightly with a smirk and shrugged.

" _A guy can dream, can't he?_ " He replied in a joking manner.

She returned the smile and gestured for him to accompany her on the bed. So, Elliot slipped his shoes off and crawled over to what used to be his side of the bed but kept his distance from her form.

Olivia took a deep breath.

" _Vivian did a lot of fucked up things to Cal when he was younger…_ " She started, and the smile fell from Elliot's face. " _When he was growing up, she used to make him hide in the closet or in the corner when she'd get high and have men over to fuck… he's seen a lot, knows a lot… Elliot, he nearly knew more about sex than I did…_ " Olivia confessed as sadness covered her face for the young pre-teen that was now her child.

Elliot swallowed hard.

" _I fucking hate that woman…_ " He mumbled, taking his eyes off of Olivia to glance around her bedroom and maintain his anger.

She nodded in agreement.

" _I don't know how long it went on exactly, but I know it was at least for a couple of years and he remembers a significant amount. He's only told me some details, and I have him in therapy for that amongst other things…_ " She explained.

Elliot stayed silent as his eyes connected with hers. He was overcome with the urge to move towards her. Whether it was to comfort her or himself, he didn't know.

Olivia looked down as she continued to speak, picking at one of her toenails that was painted red.

" _One night when Trevor was here, we'd watched a movie…_ " She said softly. " _Calvin got up and tried to leave after it was over because he thought Trevor and I were going to have sex… and he said he really liked me and didn't want to… see me like that._ " Olivia told him, looking back up.

" _Jesus._ " Elliot whispered.

" _Yeah…_ " She nodded at him. " _It was… I hadn't realized the full extent of his abuse until that moment. And I swore to him that Trevor and I would never do ANYTHING to make him uncomfortable… that we wouldn't even hold hands in front of him, and of course Trevor didn't stay the night for the first… four or five months I'd had Calvin living with me._ "

" _That's understandable._ " Elliot commented as he sat up straighter and crossed his legs Indian style after he'd turned to face her more. " _But I bet it's hell on your sex life…_ " He couldn't help the smirk that appeared on his face, which caused Olivia to roll her eyes.

" _It was rough for a bit but Cal… he's been working with me and his therapist. I've talked to the therapist some and Calvin told us he'd be comfortable with Trevor staying the night every now and then… but we're taking it slowly…_ " She explained, looking in the direction of the other bedrooms.

Elliot nodded slightly.

" _He's sleeping in the guest room when he stays the night… for now._ " Olivia said, looking back at Elliot.

" _I take it you aren't… intimate while Calvin is here?_ " He asked, probably crossing another boundary that he shouldn't.

She had to fight the urge to roll her eyes again.

" _No, no we're not… but Trevor got him the noise cancelling headphones that he thinks is just for his soothing, sleeping sounds, and Trevor has also set it up to where Calvin's door creaks every time it's opened._ " Olivia said, explaining how the not-so-real couple were planning to be intimate in the future. " _It's not extremely loud to Calvin but to a cop's ear…_ "

" _It can be heard a mile away…_ " Elliot finished her thought for her.

" _Exactly._ "

He was quiet for a few beats and bit his bottom lip before speaking again, looking at her and wondering just how in the world he ended up with such an amazing woman and friend.

" _Langan gonna be mad I'm here?_ " Elliot asked cautiously.

" _No._ " She replied. " _He knows we're partners and that sometimes that entails middle of the night calls and visits…_ " She explained, but also briefly wondered what Kathy would do if Olivia showed up at Elliot's house in the middle of the night.

" _I mean here…_ " He said, gesturing to her bedroom and the large bed that they were currently sitting on.

Olivia had to bite the inside of her lip to fight the urge to smile. It was funny because in the morning, Olivia would tell Trevor about this encounter and he'd making some off-handed joke about how she should have fucked Elliot when she had the bedroom to herself or something to that effect.

She shook her head.

" _He won't care. He trusts me._ " Olivia said. It was true, Trevor did trust her. He trusted her to be honest with him about what she and Elliot did, just like she trusted him to be honest with her about the brunette that he met at a bar and now, saw from time-to-time.

Olivia didn't really mind that he was having sex with another woman occasionally, especially since they'd originally agreed to go into this 'thing' just for sex and hadn't been able to have a regular sex life the past few months on the count of Calvin coming into the picture.

Elliot dodged her eye and scratched the back of his head.

" _Speaking of…_ " She said. " _Why are you here, El?_ " Olivia asked.

She could tell he was off kilter. Something was up, and he clearly needed to talk, vent, or a shoulder to cry on… something.

He shrugged her question off at first, not wanting to talk about the current case he was working with Fin in her absence but once again, she was like a mind reader.

" _Is it the case?_ " Olivia asked. She could see the flicker in his eyes telling her yes, but she remained quiet until he nodded.

" _Yeah… yeah, it's the case._ " Elliot confirmed.

She didn't bother asking why he came to her instead of Kathy. Technically, he couldn't talk about a case with anyone other then the squad and his captain, and Olivia knew he'd use that excuse not to talk about her, even though he could talk to his wife about his emotions and feelings without having to go into detail about what was going on at work.

Olivia already knew a bit about it. She'd been kept informed by him and Fin. They'd been investigating the death of a teenage boy and it'd led back to a gambling ring of fighting teenagers.

Nicky was the accused and confirmed murderer, but he wasn't being charged due to the fact that he'd been forced to fight by his step father, Hank, who was not only physically abusive to Nicky but also to Sandra, Nicky's pregnant mother.

Sandra and Nicky had been granted an order of protection against Hank.

" _About five hours ago, Hank violated the protection order and went back to Sandra's…_ " Olivia's face showed concern, but not shock or surprise. There was only so much a piece of paper could do and unless Sandra was willing to press charges and stick up for herself and her son, the situation would most likely remain the same. She did fear for whatever had happened tonight that'd had Elliot struggling.

" _He beat Sandra to a pulp… Nicky shot Hank._ " Elliot told her quietly.

" _Shit._ " She stated, using her thumb and pointer finger to outline her lips as she thought about the young teen killing his abuser.

Elliot swallowed, then spoke again.

" _It gets worse… we don't know if Sandra's baby is okay yet, they're still running tests, but we do know that Hand wasn't beating Sandra when Nicky shot him… he… he was kneeling on the floor, most likely begging for mercy…_ "

" _Oh, god._ " Olivia said as she looked at Elliot with wide eyes. She knew what that meant.

" _Hardwicke saw Nicky speak to me afterwards and I couldn't lie. He said he's glad Hank is dead…_ " He said in a whisper.

" _Elliot…_ " She called to him softly, but he wouldn't look at her. Instead, he got up and walked to the window to gaze out at Olivia's new view of the city.

" _Hardwicke told me to arrest him for murder in the second… but I refused._ "

Olivia closed her eyes tightly for a moment before getting up and walking closer to where he was standing.

" _Cragen know you disobeyed a direct order?_ " She asked him.

" _Don't think Hardwicke's had a chance to tell him but she probably will in the morning…_ " He said, still not looking at her. " _I just… I can't do it, Liv._ " He whispered.

Olivia nodded her head and walked over to stand directly beside him, but instead of facing the window, she turned to her right to face him.

" _It's bringing up memories of Joe._ " She acknowledged in a small voice.

" _I fought with my father._ " Elliot told her, even though she already knew. " _I fought hard. And when I was a teenager and started working out like crazy, just to be able to fight back… it's when it all stopped… He knew I could fight and when. And I did. So many times, that he had no choice to give up and stop the abuse…_ " He explained, his voice nearing a whisper again as tears pooled in his eyes.

Olivia took a deep breathe.

" _You remember the case several years ago with Carrie… Carrie ummm…_ " She said in thought. " _Carrie Eldridge?_ "

He looked over at her, catching her eyes.

" _She murdered her abusive, alcoholic, controlling mother in a rage. Simone Bryce represented her?_ " Olivia said in an effort to jog his memory. She remembered the case probably better than he had but only because she could relate to it more. Olivia remembered going to the apartment and fishing out all of the hidden bottles of alcohol that Carrie's mother had kept around for when she needed a drink.

" _Yeah… yeah, I think I remember._ " He said.

" _Casey got pissed at me because I called Simone Bryce to represent Carrie._ " Olivia said shrugging slightly. " _I knew Simone because when I was sixteen, I accepted a marriage proposal… I feel like I've told you this. Have I told you this?_ " She asked.

Elliot shook his head.

" _No… I'm pretty sure I'd remember you telling me you were engaged at one point…_ " He said, turning towards her now and giving her his full attention.

She let out a small laugh.

" _Yeah, well…. He was older, too old. And he was one of her students. She was drunk when I told her, and she broke a bottle and came after me with some of the glass. I kicked her so hard, she went flying across the room…_ " Olivia explained.

Elliot looked surprised.

" _Were you okay, did she hurt you?_ " He asked immediately, his voice full of concern.

Olivia smiled and cocked her head to the side.

" _Shouldn't you be asking if she was okay?_ " She asked.

" _No._ " Elliot denied. " _I care about you, not her._ " He explained passionately. Elliot still held some resentment about what Serena had done to Olivia and the abuse that his partner had suffered at the hands of her mother.

" _Physically, I was fine. Legally, I was in trouble… I called Simone then and I called her for Carrie a few years ago._ " She said, not willing to give him anymore information about that particular story from her past.

Elliot nodded in understanding.

" _I think I can speak for both of us when I say… I know what it's like to want to kill a parent._ " Olivia explained. She backed up slightly and gazed around her new bedroom as she began to pace the floor and crossed her arms over her chest in a subconscious, protective motion. " _It wasn't smart what I did but I was a child who'd been abused. The bond that normal kids have with parents that act like actual parents… it wasn't there for me and my mom, and I know it wasn't there for you and your parents either._ " Olivia said, walking over to the bed and sitting down as she looked at Elliot.

" _I'm pretty sure it's the same with Nicky._ " She concluded. " _And I think it might be the same with Calvin too…_ " Olivia said as she realized Nicky was only a few years older than her newly adopted son.

She shook her head, bringing herself out of her thoughts.

" _You know,_ " Olivia started as Elliot looked at her and made his way to sit on the side of the bed beside her. " _I look at Calvin and I think I loved him from the moment I met him, from the very first time I saw him bouncing his basketball on the sidewalk at Vivian's mother's house…_ " She said, describing the first time she'd met Calvin.

" _It's not hard to love him unconditionally. He's been through so much shit… and so have I. And so have you… I can see how much you care about him too…_ " She told Elliot. He grinned a smile that reached his eyes. " _But I can't help but wonder where I'd be, or where you'd be, if someone like one of us had helped you and I when we were his age…_ " Olivia said, half asking for an answer, half stating an observation.

Elliot raised his hand to her cheek. She let her eyes fall closed as he caressed her face with d right hand.

" _You'd still be the strong, beautiful, badass detective that you are right now…_ " He said, smiling. " _You might have taken a different route to get here, had to go through less therapy, but you'd be here with me… kicking ass and taking names._ "

Elliot's last sentence caused her to open her eyes and begin laughing. She leaned into his hand and turned her head to kiss his palm.

" _Fight fire with fire._ " Olivia told him as she pulled away gently and he removed his hand. " _Simone is retired but I know the woman that took her place. I know she'll represent Nicky pro bono._ "

He nodded. " _Good… good._ " Then used his right hand to rub his face. It was the middle of the night and he was so tired.

The lines in his face were becoming more and more prominent like he wasn't getting enough rest and was stressing way too much. Olivia knew it was probably true. Until Calvin, she rarely got a full night's sleep or a moment of happiness but now, all that was changing for her and she wanted it to change for Elliot too. She knew he wasn't happy in his home life, he couldn't be.

Olivia took a deep breath and scooted over on the bed.

She patted the side behind him.

" _Come on…_ " She said. " _Lay down and get some rest._ "

Elliot shook his head and stood up, walking away from the bed.

" _Nah… not like this, Liv._ " He said. " _I'm a lot of things… I'm a cheat, I'll admit it but…_ " Elliot stated, throwing up his hands in a tired, swift motion. " _I'm not doing this with you now… not now while they're a few rooms away…_ " He said, giving Olivia a sad look as he used his right hand to once again rub his face from exhaustion.

A small grin graced her face as she looked at him and spoke.

" _I wasn't offering anything inappropriate…_ " She started. " _I just think you'd get better sleep here than in the cribs… and I know that's where you're headed after you leave here._ " Olivia explained, giving him a knowing look.

" _You know that, huh?_ "

" _Yeah, I know you pretty well and you'd rather go back to the station than wake up the wife and kid coming in late at night…_ "

" _I probably won't sleep much anyways…_ " He said, shrugging lightly.

Olivia rolled her eyes.

" _Lay down._ " She commanded easily with the ghost of a smile playing at her lips. She was tired and now sleep deprived thanks to Elliot. All she really wanted to do was go back to bed and she wouldn't be able to get a good night's sleep knowing that he was on some half-assed bed at the station, tossing and turning.

Elliot huffed but did as he was told. He was too tired to fight her.

After stripping down to his boxers and tank top, he laid down on the far side of the bed, facing the door and Olivia crawled in next to him, under the covers.

" _All I'm offering is sleep and a little cuddling…_ " She gently reminded him as he snuggled up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and burying his face in her hair as the covers bunched up at their waists.

" _We need to set an alarm, so I can leave before they wake up…_ " He mumbled with his eyes closed.

" _It'll be fine…_ " She promised him as she placed her hand over his on her stomach. " _Trevor's taking Cal to breakfast and school in the morning. They'll be up and gone pretty early…_ "

…

" _Liv…_ " She heard whispered just before a hand swiftly graced her cheek. Olivia let out a small gasp and startled as her eyes shot open.

" _Calvin?!_ " She said rather loudly but when her eyes finally focused in on the figure leaning over the bed, she saw that it was Trevor. Olivia was instantly filled with relief.

While nothing had happened between her and Elliot, and they were both fully clothed, she didn't know how Calvin would feel if he saw them cuddled up in bed asleep. She'd only let him stay over and sleep in her bed because she knew Trevor wouldn't care and Calvin knew to knock and wait for a reply before entering her room.

" _He's fine… just wanted me to see if you were awake so he could tell you goodbye this morning…_ " Trevor whispered softly.

It was sweet. She loved that Calvin cared about her and wanted to tell her goodbye. Some days he did and some days he didn't, but this morning, he wanted to, and she wouldn't deny him.

Olivia tried to get up but soon realized that Elliot's arms were wrapped tightly around her waist, confining her to the bed.

" _Oh…_ " She said, seemingly realizing that Trevor was currently looking at her and her partner in bed. Olivia gently grabbed Elliot's arm and removed it.

He let out a small grumble that she couldn't make out and he rolled over on the opposite side, facing away from both adults.

Olivia removed herself from the bed and she followed Trevor out the bedroom door, then shut it as quietly as she could.

" _I'm sorry…_ " She said, looking at him. " _The case got rough and he came over last night… I didn't want him to have to go back and sleep in the cribs and-_ "

" _It's alright._ " Trevor cut her off with a small smile.

" _We didn't do anything._ "

Trevor nodded. " _Okay._ " He replied. He wasn't going to tell her that she didn't need to defend herself or tell him what they did or didn't do because she did to an extent. It was their arrangement. She was to be honest every time something happened with Elliot just as he was to be honest about the other brunette.

" _Good morning!_ " Olivia said with a big smile as Calvin came into view once she and Trevor had made it to the kitchen.

They spoke for a few minutes, she assured him that they hadn't woken her up and that she'd wanted to say goodbye to him too, even though she hadn't been planning on it. Olivia walked them to the door and kissed both guys goodbye, then locked the deadbolt and made her way back to her room after putting a pot of coffee on.

When she opened her door, she found Elliot laying awake in her bed, staring at her as she entered. She walked over and put her phone on the night stand – she'd located it in the kitchen.

" _How much trouble you in?_ " He asked as calmly as possible.

" _None._ " She replied confidently. " _I told you, he trusts me._ "

But Elliot shook his head in disbelief.

She ignored him and shed her pants, shirt, and bra, then got back under the covers and snuggled into his side.

" _Oh boy…_ " Elliot muttered under his breath, realizing the weight of the situation.

Olivia Benson had turned into a new woman. A confident, empowered, mother who was apparently very bold now.

" _Wanna fool around?_ " She whispered, looking into his eyes as she drew circled on top of his tank top covered chest.

He shook his head lightly, turning it so that he was looking at her more.

" _You're insane._ " Elliot told her.

" _I'm horny._ " She replied, causing him to laugh.

" _You said we needed to stop._ " He argued lightly, trying to figure out just where her head was at now.

" _I also said I didn't want to stop._ " Olivia reminded him as she slipped her left leg between his two legs.

Elliot gently put his hand on her upper thigh to stop her movements. He pushed her leg away as he sat up, reading himself to get out of bed. This wasn't what he wanted. He didn't to corrupt her new-found home life and family.

" _El?_ " She questioned lightly, sitting up and holding the covers to her chest as she watched him get out of bed and start to shrug on his pants from the night before.

He took a deep breath and gave her a sad look as he zipped up and buttoned his work pants.

" _You know…_ " Elliot started, and Olivia sat up further, pressing her back against the headboard and making herself comfortable because she knew he was about to speak seriously about something. " _From the moment Kathy and I split and signed divorce papers the first time, I knew it was over… I knew it when I signed on the dotted line, when she kissed me goodbye after I moved out the first time, when I slept with you… I knew it was done._ " He said, then leaned down to pick his shirt off the floor, putting his arms through the holes he began to button up the front of it.

Olivia swallowed hard. She didn't particularly like where this was going.

" _No matter if I stay with Kath or not, my marriage will always be a shit show._ " He continued. " _I cheated on her, several times… and I'm not proud of it. I took vows… I promised to always be faithful to her and I haven't been but… god, you deserve better, and so does Kathy for that matter._ " Elliot told her.

She couldn't tell if he was just overly tired from the short few hours he'd managed to sleep or if he was getting emotional on her.

" _I won't let you fuck up your life, your family like I've managed to fuck up mine._ " He explained as he sat down on the corner of the bed. " _I care about you, and I want you to be happy, Liv._ " Elliot gently grabbed her foot that was closest to him and gave it a light squeeze. " _You're not just some piece of ass, you're better than that and…_ " He took a deep breath. " _You remember the first night we slept together? You told me you never thought you'd be the other woman, that you never wanted to be that woman… and now, that's who I've turned you into._ " Olivia could see his internal struggle, the struggle of wanting to keep her but wanting to let her go. " _I… I won't let you fuck this up. You have a good guy and I honestly think he could be the real deal for you… I hated him for years, I'll admit it…_ " He said, flashing her a smile. " _But… he's changed. I don't know if you did that to him or if he did it for himself but… you two are good together. You could actually have something here, Liv. A kid, a husband, a real family like you've always wanted._ "

She didn't think she'd ever seen him look so sad, and she was nearly in tears herself as her eyes watered at his words.

Olivia shook her head quickly and moved to lean over the side of the bed to retrieve her shirt. She slipped it on quickly and crawled towards him, taking no time to straddle him and hold his face in her hands.

" _I love… that you care about me and love me enough to let me go, because you think that's the only way I'll be happy._ " She said and leaned in to peck his lips before she continued talking. " _But it's not what you think…_ "

She had to tell him, she needed to. He deserved to know more than anyone.

Elliot pulled back slightly and looked at her in confusion.

" _Trevor and I aren't really together…_ " She said, biting her bottom lip.

He shook his head.

" _I knew something was up because he was sleeping in the guest room…_ " Elliot concluded, seemingly giving his detective skills more credit than they deserved.

" _No, no…_ " Olivia denied. She let her hands drop from his face and his arms encircled her waist, probably to encourage her to keep going. " _We've never actually been together._ " She told him.

" _What do you mean?_ " He asked, still very confused.

" _It's stupid._ " She said, now embarrassed about what she and Trevor had been doing behind everyone's backs.

" _Hey._ " Elliot soothed. " _It's not, just tell me._ "

" _Trevor wasn't mad about you being in my bed this morning because he knows about us…_ " She explained, glancing around the room nervously.

Elliot nodded.

" _Yeah, you told me about the conversation with him and Kathy at the house._ "

" _No,_ " Olivia denied again. " _He knows, El. About us, about everything. Every time you and I have been together since I've supposedly been seeing him, he knows about all of that._ "

" _H-how?_ " Elliot wondered out loud, looking like he was maybe about to begin panicking.

" _I told him._ " She said in a small voice.

" _Why?_ " He asked softly.

" _Because it was part of our deal._ " She tried to explain.

" _Your deal?_ " Elliot asked, looking at her with serious, concerned eyes.

" _Yeah…_ " She said. " _We started out as friends with benefits, fuck buddies. But we were getting together so often that it was hard to hide. Then we just because really good friends. He's probably one of the best friends I've ever had… aside from you._ " Olivia stated. " _I… we agreed to tell people we were dating because it was easier that way, but we agreed we could see other people too as long as we were honest with each other…_ "

" _So, you two are just… fuck buddies?_ " He said in disbelief.

Olivia reached over to grab her phone off the night stand. She continued to sit on his lap as she thumbed through her contact list until Trevor's contact info was on her screen. She took a deep breath as she hit send and put the call on speaker phone.

If she'd calculated the time right, he should have just dropped Calvin off at school. They'd gotten a late start, so their breakfast would have been a bit rushed.

" _Hello?_ " Trevor answered after the third ring.

" _Hey…_ " She said softly, trying her best to hide her emotions but she never could hide them well from Trevor or Elliot.

" _You okay?_ " He asked with concern.

" _Yeah, I'm good. I just… I need you to do me a favor._ " Olivia told him. He waited patiently to hear her request. " _I need you to tell Elliot the truth about our relationship…_ "

The line was silent for a few beats.

" _You mean… about the friends with benefits part?_ " He asked lightly, still seemingly trying to assess if she was okay or not.

" _Yeah, you're on speaker phone and Elliot is still here._ " She explained, then buried her face in Elliot's shoulder, probably from embarrassment. The other detective was understanding and began rubbing her back as she slightly started to shake. Olivia held the phone up with her right hand, so they could both hear Trevor speak clearly.

" _Stabler?_ " He called out.

" _Yeah, I'm here._ " Elliot answered in a hoarse voice.

" _It's true._ " Trevor said.

They could hear traffic in the background of the phone call and Olivia guessed that he was headed into work.

" _Our relationship is just that, good sex and a trusting friendship._ " The attorney confirmed. " _She deserves better, I know. But it's what we both wanted, and we agreed. Her heart lies with someone else, so there's not much I can do aside from support her and care for her._ " He said.

" _Alright, Trev._ " Olivia said, cutting him off before he could say something about her that she didn't like. " _Have a good day at work._ "

" _Liv,_ " He started. " _You call me if you need anything, ANYTHING. You hear me?_ " Trevor said, trying to comfort her the best he could without knowing the full weight of the situation or what was going on.

" _I will._ " And with that, she hung up, leaned over to place her phone on the night stand, then re-situated herself in Elliot's lap.

He remained silent for a while as he took in the woman on his lap. She was still in just her long sleeve shirt and underwear, so he ran his hands up her thighs, all the way to her ass and back down again.

" _Why didn't you tell me?_ " He asked, looking her in the eyes.

Olivia swallowed hard and gazed around the bedroom. This wasn't the conversation she'd planned to have this morning.

" _I just… I needed to be out of the equation, so you could fix your marriage._ " She said. " _I thought if you saw that I was happy and serious with another man, then you'd realize how much you loved her, how much she really meant to you, and just how much you needed her…_ " Olivia explained with tears in her eyes once she'd looked at him again.

He leaned forward gently, putting his forehead against hers.

There was no use in correcting her about her thought process. Olivia could be stubborn.

" _I guess I'm a pretty shitty detective, huh?_ " Elliot said, letting out a watery laugh. She laughed with him even though a stray tear fell from her eye.

Olivia remained silent.

" _Kathy and I will never have a decent marriage. She'll never be who she used to be, and neither will I…_ " Elliot stated quietly.

She wrapped her arms around his neck once more as their foreheads stayed together and she felt him tighten his grip on her.

Olivia was fully aware that she was sitting half naked in the lap of a married man.

" _El?_ " She whispered, looking down at her lap.

" _Hmm?_ " He questioned.

She took a deep breath. She swore she'd never ask him, she swore she'd never be with him if he divorced Kathy on his feelings based on his partner. But she was a new woman. One who was now confident and stood up for herself, for what she believed in, and for her own happiness.

" _I promised I wouldn't do this. I told myself I never would… and I almost hate myself for it, but… I just…_ " She stumbled on her words, but she felt Elliot's hands back on her thighs, massaging the words out of her.

She looked up and leaned back slightly so she could fully see his face.

Then she took another deep breath.

She closed her eyes briefly, readying herself for the blow back if there was one, for the rejection if it should happen.

Then she spoke the words.

" _I want you to sign the divorce papers…_ "

 **Reviews are always welcomed. As always, thanks for reading!**


	25. Chapter 25

**Thanks for the reviews! I know these last couple of chapters have been coming in fast but don't get too use to it, I'm doing my best!**

Trevor knew something was wrong from the minute she had text and asked if he could come to her apartment for his lunch hour. It didn't sound like her normal lunch date booty call. Usually she'd say something sexy, something to get him going, to make him need to meet up with her during lunch but that wasn't the message he got when he read her words.

" _ **Can you stop by during your lunch break?**_ " She'd text him.

He'd tried calling her, but the tone only rang once before he was sent to voicemail. It was a sign that she didn't want to talk over the phone.

" _ **Yeah, you okay?**_ " He replied, hoping she'd respond.

Trevor didn't like the phone call he'd gotten earlier with her and Elliot, and he didn't like how she was acting now. Something was off, really off.

" _ **Yeah. Bring me food please. Chocolate.**_ " She specified.

Now, he knew something was wrong. Olivia Benson only requested chocolate when she was upset. It was probably also her way of telling him that she would be a mess when he arrived.

" _ **Yes ma'am.**_ " Trevor replied. " _ **Leaving now.**_ " He added quickly.

It wasn't really time for his lunch break yet, but he didn't care. He needed to get to her, to see her and make sure she was okay. Trevor had grown to love Olivia. Maybe not in the romantic sense but she was by far the closest he'd ever been with another person, never-the-less a woman.

He'd grown to trust her with everything he had. The best part was, he knew that she loved another man and he accepted it, he was okay with it. And when the time came, or if the time came for them to "break up", Trevor knew they'd still be friends.

It'd be on a different level of course, out of respect for whoever she chose to be with after him but, still. They'd still be together as friends and he's always be in Calvin's life. Maybe that's what he loved the most.

Trevor had never seen himself as a father, especially after he represented so many shitty people to the point of where he had to quit his job because it weighed too heavily on his heart and soul. He didn't really want to bring a child into this world. At one point in time, sure, he'd thought about it but after everything he'd seen through his job and through Olivia's job.

No. No way in hell did Trevor Langan want offspring in this world, not when there were other children that needed to be adopted and needed homes.

Of course, he hadn't really told Olivia this. Maybe it was because he was still coming to terms with it himself.

One thing was for sure though. Olivia Benson had changed his life. Even though they weren't a real couple, she'd opened his eyes to so much. He was actually happy for the first time in a long time. He had an active sex life for the first time in a long time too. And now with Calvin, Trevor was a mentor, a father figure.

Just this morning at their swift breakfast, Calvin had asked Trevor's opinion on a girl in class. It was something Trevor thought he'd never experience, but he'd handled it pretty well, telling Calvin how to treat the girl and how to go about expressing his feelings to her. The conversation ended with Trevor reminding the boy to run everything by Olivia first. She was the real one in charge and she might have standards for dating, although Trevor wasn't so sure you could call it dating if you were only twelve…

But right now, Trevor was concerned for the current woman in his life, Olivia.

It had always been touch and go with her and Stabler, always.

From the moment Trevor met Olivia and Elliot as partners, he could feel the chemistry. He knew they had something brewing between them even if they didn't know at the time. It was no surprise when Olivia finally confessed her feelings for Elliot to Trevor, because he'd known all along. Pretty much anyone who had eyes could see it, it's just that most people deemed Benson and Stabler as good people, decent human beings who set boundaries and didn't cross them. It should also be noted that if those boundaries are crossed, that doesn't mean they're bad people… plenty of good people do bad things.

" _Liv?_ " Trevor called as he entered her apartment.

He walked further into the home and spotted her figure in the kitchen, doing what looked like was manually cleaning dishes instead of using the dishwasher. The living room had been cleaned too.

Trevor also noted that she was wearing a tank top with no bra and her sleep shorts that she'd wear before Calvin started living with her.

" _Hey._ " She greeted with a smile that didn't reach her eyes, as she looked over and saw him making his way to the kitchen.

" _Got your chocolate…_ " He said, holding up the grocery bag full of a gallon of chocolate ice cream accompanied by a couple snickers.

Olivia smiled again and wiped her hands off before taking the bag from him and sticking the ice cream in the freezer and the snickers in the fridge for later.

" _Thanks._ " She told him lightly.

He hadn't brought actual lunch food but that's because he knew her. Trevor knew Olivia so well. When she was upset, she didn't eat. Chocolate really was the only thing the woman consumed when she was upset.

" _Wanna tell me what's going on?_ " He asked lightly as he braced himself on the countertop across from her.

She shook her head dismissively as her eyes started to water.

" _Hey…_ " Trevor said softly, walking over and wrapping his arms around her. She welcomed his embrace and buried her face in his chest as her arms went around his waist. " _You can talk to me, Liv, you know that…_ " He told her.

She sniffled a bit into his shirt before pulling away.

" _I'm an idiot._ " Olivia said, dodging his eyes and using her hands to wipe her face. " _I'm so fucking stupid._ "

" _You're not._ " Trevor replied, bending down slightly to make eye contact with her since he was so much taller. " _You're smart. Very smart._ " He said. " _Tell me what happened._ " He asked lightly as he grabbed her hand and led her to the couch in the living room. She needed to sit down, and he wanted her to be comfortable.

They sat in silence for a moment. He waited for Olivia to open up. With her, sometimes it could be a waiting game. Trevor knew it'd taken a lot to gain her trust, and that she didn't trust many people for various reasons.

" _I um… I fucked up and asked Elliot to sign his divorce papers…_ " She said in a quiet voice as she sat on the couch with her elbows on her knees, staring at the ground.

Trevor let out a slow breath and moved so that he was right beside her mirroring her stance, their thighs touching.

Maybe this wasn't the smartest move she'd made but he couldn't blame her. She was in love.

" _Are you telling me he said no?_ " Trevor asked in a low voice. " _Because if he said no, and he still wants to fuck you, then he's a piece of shit._ " He explained as his anger made a rare appearance. " _You deserve to be treated better than that, Olivia. I know he said he loves you…_ " Trevor said, looking at her as she turned her head to meet his eyes. " _Sometimes guys lie to get a piece of ass. If that's what he's doing… I'm gonna beat the shit out of him…_ " Trevor confessed angrily, while knowing full well Elliot would probably win in a fight between the two of them.

Her hands quickly reached over and grabbed his, stifling his rage and bringing him back down to Earth. Sometimes it still amazed her how he could care about her so much.

Olivia shook her head.

" _It's not that he said no._ " She explained in a small, sad voice. " _It's that he can't…_ " Olivia said.

…

 **FLASHBACK TO HOURS BEFORE:**

She took another deep breath.

She closed her eyes briefly, reading herself for the blow back if there was one, for the rejection if it should happen.

Then she spoke the words.

" _I want you to sign the divorce papers…_ "

Everything seemed to stand still. There was nothing but silence, you could hear a pen drop.

The silence terrified her. It always had, ever since she was a small kid and the apartment was silent from her mother yelling or breaking things. That silence meant that her mother had passed out somewhere and no matter how scared or tired Olivia was, no matter what age she was, she had to go find the older woman and check on her to make sure she hadn't hurt herself or had begun choking on her own vomit.

As Olivia had gotten older, the silence still scarred her at certain times, or maybe 'scared' wasn't the right word. It irked her.

At night, she welcomed the sound of the city, otherwise she was constantly reminded by the silence, the absence of a man's snore or the absence of pitter patter of little feet, that she's failed at life. She'd failed at being a wife and mother, mostly because she'd never been given the chance. The only man she ever, truly saw herself with, aside from her mother's student, was her married partner and before Gitano, she would have never, ever, put herself in the middle of his marriage, until now.

What no one really knew aside from Calvin was that Olivia had been going to therapy herself, again. Every time Calvin had an appointment with his therapist, she made an appointment with her own therapist in the same building and while the boy was talking to his, she was talking to hers.

She was so bold to ask Elliot to sign his divorce papers because she'd been over every possible outcome with her therapist. He wasn't happy, she knew that because if he was, then he wouldn't have come to her several times over the past few years when he needed some intimacy, not that it was the only thing he used her for. She was the one who usually initiated it anyways and she never counted any of that against him.

Also, Kathy wasn't happy. She hadn't seemed happy months ago when she'd talked with Olivia and obviously neither was very happy if they were contemplating divorce for what? The third or fourth time now?

And it was no secret that Kathy and Elliot fought. He'd told her as much in passing. It was something he'd tried to hide but there'd be phone calls that he'd get in the squad room. She could hear yelling on the other end and it didn't take a genius to figure out it was Kathy.

Not that Kathy didn't have a reason to complain.

Olivia knew Elliot lied to Kathy just like she knew he'd have gone back to the cribs to sleep if she hadn't let him stay the night with her.

Without knowing the specifics of their marriage, it didn't take a detective for Olivia to figure out that Kathy and Elliot's marriage was failing more so now than it ever had before.

Anyone would agree that it was better for Kathy and Elliot to split while they could still be friendly, before the love warped into hate and they couldn't stand each other, dragging out a long divorce.

" _W-what?_ " Elliot had asked as he leaned back with eyes wide, looking at the beautiful woman on his lap.

" _I… I want you to sign the papers, El._ " She repeated more confidently than the first time.

Elliot swallowed hard.

If only she'd asked years sooner, months sooner even.

" _I'm not going to beg._ " Olivia stated, looking him in the eyes. " _I WILL keep my dignity through this… whatever it may be. But…_ " She said, trailing off and gazing around the room, wondering if she'd made a grave mistake. Maybe she shouldn't have bared her soul to him like this, so open and so vulnerable.

Elliot shook his head as he grabbed her, pressing her body and chest firmly against his, resting his forehead against her shoulder.

" _Dammit, Liv…_ " He whispered harshly, more at the situation than at her.

She took it as anger, as if he had wished she hadn't said anything, hadn't asked, so she began to back track immediately. It was one of her defense mechanisms.

" _I… I'm sorry… forget it. Forget I said anything…_ " She said quickly, hugging him to her chest, fearing that she'd hurt him greatly when she hadn't meant to hurt him at all.

He shook his head again and leaned back to catch her eyes.

The look on his face was sad, as if he was in a hard place that he couldn't get out of.

Slowly, Elliot leaned in and kissed her lips. He grabbed her waist and stood up, turning around and laying her down on the bed before settling in between her legs that were wrapped around him.

He leaned down and kissed her neck.

" _Mmmmhmmmm…_ " She moaned.

" _You used to tell me if I left Kathy, you wouldn't be waiting for me… that I wouldn't be allowed at your place or in your bed…_ " He said as he continued to kiss on her neck, and ran his hands up her stomach under her shirt, until his reached her breasts, taking one in each hand and gently squeezing them just the way he knew she liked it.

" _I-it's different now…_ " Olivia mumbled out between the shocks of pleasure that were coursing through her body at the mercy of his hands.

Elliot knew she wanted him, she'd made that very clear from the moment he'd woken up and saw her waltzing back into her bedroom. He figured he'd give her one last time before all hell broke loose. He'd satisfy her once more before he crushed her. After all, she'd done so much for him over the years.

So, instead of speaking, of questioning her reasoning as to why it was different now, Elliot continued his worshiping of her body.

He gently pushed her until she got the idea and scooted up the bed. Then, he pushed her shirt up past her breasts, taking his time with each one. Elliot kissed and nipped at her voluptuous body. She was too caught up in her own pleasure to realize that he had stopped the conversation and hadn't actually replied to her initial request.

" _Oh, god!_ " She gasped and slammed her eyes shut as his lips clamped down around her left nipple. His tongue swirled over her hardened bud and it wasn't long until he felt her hand on the back of his head, encouraging him.

Her chest arched to push her breast harder into his mouth and he relished every single taste. It'd been so long since he'd been able to touch her, taste her like this. He'd remember it forever, in case it was the last time she allowed him to touch her.

They both knew Olivia was in control. She was the woman calling the shots in whatever this 'thing' was that they'd started all those years ago.

His teeth grazed her nipple, causing Olivia to grunt and jerk her hips into his own. God, he loved this woman. She was everything he'd ever wanted and dreamed of, and that was a hard realization for him to come to when he was married to someone else and Catholic.

" _Elliotttt…_ " She whined in a sexy moan.

He kissed his way down her torso and used his fingers to slip her panties off, and down her long-tanned legs.

Olivia's thighs were one of the best parts of her body. He loved them so fucking much, they were strong and thick and the perfect olive color. Every single time she'd played a hooker in one of their undercover operations, when she'd had to wear booty shorts or a short dress, he'd been hard instantly from just looking at her legs and wondering what it would feel like to be between them. Only, he didn't have to wonder anymore.

She had hair growing on her mound, not much but enough for him to notice. He silently wondered if it were because she and Trevor had an absent sex life lately due to Calvin, but Elliot didn't have time to think about that now.

She squirmed beneath him as he kissed the top of her mound, letting his tongue wander over her skin, to the side of the crease where her thigh met her vagina, to the lips of her center.

He dipped his tongue between her wet folds that were hot and ready for him.

" _O-oh FUCK!_ " Olivia said rather loudly. Elliot deducted this was because she wasn't able to be loud anymore with a kid in the home. He knew how that was.

Her hands went to his shoulders, grasping on for dear life as he began to thrust his tongue inside her. The wet, bumpy muscle caused Olivia to rock her lower half into his mouth.

Trevor gave good head, but it was nothing compared to getting head from the one person that you're truly in love with.

" _That's my girl…_ " Elliot told her in a throaty moan as he took a minute to collect his saliva. His mouth had instantly began watering at the site of her. " _You gonna cum for me?_ " He asked, looking up at her but she wasn't focused on him.

Olivia's head was thrown back, her face was contorted as her eyes were shut, and she was letting out small whimpers here and there.

There was no denying that her orgasm was near.

So, Elliot took both of his arms and slid them under her legs, pulling her all the way to his face, and he began a fast motion of eating her out.

" _Elliot!_ " She nearly yelled. " _O-oh…. Oh, god!_ " She said as she neared her climax.

" _Oh, yes…. Yes, YES!_ " Olivia said loudly as her orgasm finally hit her. Her body convulsed under his touch and she rocked into his mouth at record speed, trying her best to last as long as she could.

He rested his forehead on the top of her mound while he caught his breath, still aware that she was sensitive between her legs now.

Finally, he climbed his way back up to her, laying on his back beside her as his breath evened out.

Olivia wasn't happy that he was still wearing his work shirt and pants that he'd put back on. She wanted him naked and in her bed. She was even to the point of where she'd consider actually having sex with him.

She pulled her shirt down, covering her breasts and he pulled the rest of the covers up, making sure he covered her lower half. Elliot didn't want to leave her exposed.

Snuggling up to him, she realized that they'd began fooling around in a frenzy and that he'd never actually replied to her request. Now, all of a sudden, a dreadful feeling consumed her.

" _You never answered me…_ " She said in a small voice.

Elliot could feel her body stiffen beneath his touch and he hated it.

Taking a deep breath, he turned on his side to look at her. He wanted to make sure she could see him, that she could look into his eyes before he spoke.

Once she was also on her side facing him, she knew something was wrong, something was fucked up.

" _I can't sign the papers right now, Liv._ " He told her honestly. It was breaking his heart. He'd waited literally years for his partner to tell him that she finally wanted him and now that she had, he couldn't be with her just yet.

" _Okay._ " Olivia seemly accepted his reply too easily, as if she never actually believed she could have a happy ending.

Looking into his eyes, she could see the conflict and pain.

" _I just…_ " He started, not knowing exactly what to say. " _K-kathy is pregnant…_ " He said in a small voice.

Olivia's face changed immediately. She was up and out of the bed, grabbing her sleep shorts from a nearby chair and not even bothering to locate her panties and put them back on.

She was furious. How could he do this again? Hadn't he learned from the first time?

" _Get out._ " She said quietly as she pointed to the bedroom door.

Olivia was done with him, she was fed up with his shit. If he loved her, that was one thing, but she wouldn't allow him to keep going back and forth between her and the blonde. She wanted something real with him but obviously he didn't want the same.

" _Let me explain… please._ " He begged, needing her to hear him out.

She didn't understand, it wasn't what it seemed, and he needed to explain, to make her understand before she hated him for good and he ruined anything that they might have had.

Olivia shook her head.

" _You sat here in my bed,_ " She started, " _You just… Elliot you just fucked me with your mouth while your wife is at home fucking pregnant for Christ sake!_ " She said, as if she was almost as disgusted with him as she was with herself for actually going through with her actions today.

Olivia hadn't allowed him to be with her while Kathy was pregnant with Eli. In fact, she'd basically pushing him back into the blonde's arms. She slept with a married man, yes she'd admit it but when his wife was pregnant, she wouldn't stoop that low.

He got up quickly and walked over to her.

Tears were now making their way down her face, there was nothing she could do to stop them.

" _Just go._ " She said quietly, looking at the floor. She hadn't wanted to start up their affair again, she'd just wanted to end it, to actually start something real with him, after all, she was pretty sure he was her only shot at happy ending.

" _No._ " He refused.

" _I said-_ " She tried but he cut her off.

" _I know what you fucking said, but I need you to listen to me, Olivia._ " Elliot told her strongly, raising his voice slightly.

He wasn't leaving until she heard him out, until she knew just what the situation was and that he hadn't done anything wrong or anything to betray her or cross his confession of love that he'd given her months ago.

She remained quiet but shot him a warning look, standing by the door as she waited for him to speak.

Elliot walked closer to her, until he was standing directly in front of her. He used his right hand to lift her cheek, causing her to stare him in the eyes.

" _It's not mine._ " He said quietly.

Shock was evident on Olivia's face.

She was clearly confused and concerned, for both Elliot and Kathy.

For one, Kathy was well into her forties now and she was older than Olivia. If Olivia could have a miscarriage when she did, then surely Kathy was at a greater risk. But also, if the baby wasn't Elliot's, wouldn't that mean that Kathy cheated on him? But of course, Olivia nor Elliot had much room to speak in that category.

" _We've been separated for a while…. She'd been seeing this guy from work…_ " He told Olivia as he backed up and trudged towards the bed, sitting down and putting his head in his hands.

" _You… you knew about him?_ " Olivia asked softly, making her way to the bed as well and sitting beside her partner.

Elliot nodded.

" _We haven't had sex in a while… she kept mentioning him more and more… then, one day, she told me he'd asked her out and I… I told her to go, I told her she deserved to be happy._ " He explained how he'd given Kathy the green light to date other people. " _We were working out the divorce papers and signing things but… then she found out she was pregnant, and all the divorce proceedings stopped._ " Elliot said, turning his head to his left and looking at her with tears in his eyes.

" _We were so close…. So fucking close to the papers being finalized but…_."

" _But it's illegal to divorce when a spouse is pregnant…_ " Olivia finished for him as all of the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place. " _The courts wouldn't grant you your divorce…_ "

Olivia took a deep breath, taking in all of this new information but before she could speak, Elliot beat her to it.

" _The dad isn't sure he wants to really be a dad…_ " Elliot told her.

She made a face of disbelief.

" _What do you mean he's not sure?_ " Olivia asked, leaning into him, making sure their shoulders were touching and that he knew of her support.

Elliot shrugged lightly.

" _She only found out a couple weeks ago… she's over four months along…_ " He explained.

Olivia almost asked if Kathy truly couldn't tell that she was pregnant before then, but she was a nurse and a woman's body gets used to pregnancies after the first couple. This would be Kathy's… sixth child, there was no telling what her body was going through, especially at her age.

" _He doesn't know if he wants to be a father… he's in his late forties… he doesn't have any other children and he's not sure he wants any now…_ " Elliot continued, breaking Olivia out of her thoughts. " _He says he'll talk with her more about it soon… she only told him last week… I think he's been letting the information digest…_ "

Olivia nodded in an understanding that only she could have.

" _You won't let her raise that baby alone…_ " Olivia answered for him in a knowing way. She knew Kathy was a strong Catholic. It was too late for an abortion, but she wouldn't have considered it anyways and the woman was born to be a mother. It was in her blood, she'd never let anyone else adopt and raise her child.

He shot her a look, but she dismissed it.

" _You won't…_ " She repeated, wrapping her right arm around his shoulders in a comforting way. " _I know you, Elliot._ " Olivia told him softly. " _You're a good man and while you and Kathy might not have the best marriage… you still care about her. You always will, she's the mother of your kids and… you are too good of a man to let her do this alone…_ " She concluded, wrapping both arms around him as he dipped his head, placing it in the nook of her neck.

She held him tightly as Elliot exhaled into her neck, then gently kissed her skin there.

" _I understand._ " Olivia whispered to him as she kissed the top of his head lovingly.

Her words caused him to look up, into her eyes and stare deeply, seeing the depths of her soul. The understanding that he didn't deserve, the love that he shouldn't have, and the comfort that he needed but shouldn't seek out but was offered up freely by her.

" _I will divorce her, Olivia, I swear to you…_." Elliot started. " _We were already in the process, but the pregnancy stopped it… but I will. You're telling me you actually want to be with me… that you'd… that we could…._ " He was so flustered that he couldn't even finish a sentence.

Olivia shook her head sadly.

" _You stay with her._ " She said, speaking about Kathy. " _You take care of her if that other man won't. She's been through a lot and… Elliot, she's strong but I don't know how much shit she can take, she's not like us, she wasn't trained like we were as cops, she doesn't have the same mental process or coping abilities…_ "

While Olivia's coping mechanisms were sometimes just sex and alcohol, there was a lot of shit she could handle in the field that normal people wouldn't be able to.

He shook his head vigorously as tears made their way down his face.

" _I don't want to be with her!_ " He said quickly. " _I want you, Liv… for years it's been you!_ " Elliot told her as he grabbed her shoulders and held her close to his body, as if he were trying to get a grip on reality.

" _It's okay…_ " She said, her nose and face scrunching up with her tears. " _It's okay._ " Olivia repeated in a soothing manner.

" _I'm gonna be with her through this pregnancy and we'll remain married right now because we have no choice but… I'm with you, Olivia. One hundred percent… I'm with you…_ " Elliot promised her.

When she couldn't take seeing his tears anymore, Olivia leaned in and wrapped her arms around him once more. It wasn't too long before she felt his arms around her and they stayed in that embrace on the bed for a very long time.

Once they finally broke apart, Elliot caught a glance of Olivia's alarm clock.

" _Shit…_ " He hissed as he stood up quickly. " _I've gotta get to the station before Nicky and the ADA._ "

" _Yeah, yeah…_ " Olivia acknowledged as she too backed away and got up from the bed, wiping her face off. " _I'll text you the attorney's number… the lady that will represent Nicky for free._ " She reminded him.

" _Yeah, okay… thank you._ " He replied looking up at her as he finished slipping his shoes on.

Shaking his head in shame, he moved forward once more, wrapping her in an embrace.

" _I will never let you go, Liv…_ " He whispered into her ear before kissing her head. " _We'll figure this out…_ "

She took a deep breath, inhaling his scent before he headed to her bedroom door.

" _El?_ " Olivia called out, needing to ask him one last question before they parted way and went back to reality.

He turned around and looked at her expectantly, awaiting her next vocal command.

" _Why didn't you tell me?_ " She asked. " _Why didn't you tell me you and Kathy were seeing other people?_ " Olivia questioned.

If Elliot had told her, they could have done a lot more with each other and not felt guilty about it. She could have been bold and asked him out on a date or even just out for drinks…

He shrugged.

" _First of all, Kathy was seeing other people… and I thought what you had with Trevor was real… I didn't want to disrupt what you had, Liv._ " Elliot told her honestly. " _You seemed happy and… I'd never deprive you of that…._ "

She nodded in confirmation of his answer, but she never replied verbally. She should've been honest with him about Trevor, then maybe they could have been together sooner, and he'd be free of his marriage. But even if he and Kathy were divorced, he would have still helped out with the pregnancy… it's just the kind of man he was.

They both knew he had to go so she didn't stop him when he walked out of the bedroom and headed for her front door.

Hearing it shut was one of the hardest sounds she'd ever had to listen to. Then, she did what she could. Olivia got back into bed and cried herself to sleep. It was a rather short nap because as soon as she woke up, she text Trevor about coming home for lunch.

She needed someone to listen to her and to keep her grounded.

…

 **PRESENT DAY:**

Trevor took in everything Olivia had to tell him while refraining from hugging her while stray tears made their way down her face here and there.

" _It sounds like he wants to be with you too…_ " Trevor told her, after he'd sat for a moment and thought about all of the information she'd given him.

Olivia sat still with her elbows on her knees, but her hands were clasped together under her chin as she propped her head up.

She shook her head dismissively.

" _It doesn't matter._ " Olivia whispered. " _She needs him… and I don't blame her… the woman's life is falling apart right now. I can't even imagine…_ " She trailed off, staring across the room and wondering what could be going through Kathy's head right now.

Olivia didn't dare judge the woman, she didn't blame her or shame her. She felt sorry for the woman and wanted to help her in any way she could.

Kathy had been on Olivia's mind more than Elliot had the past couple of hours.

Clearly, they weren't telling people about the pregnancy yet. Olivia would keep her mouth shut aside from Trevor of course but he was an attorney. The man knew how to keep a secret. She wasn't even sure if Elliot and Kathy were gonna be honest with everyone about the situation, or if they'd pass the kid off as Elliot's if the biological father truly did decide to dip out.

" _It's gonna be okay…_ " She heard Trevor's voice coming from her right.

Olivia leaned into him as he slowly wrapped his arms around her and they leaned back against the couch together.

" _I was finally in happy place, I finally considered having something real with him. Everyone, every-fucking-one knows his marriage is over…_ " She huffed as she exhaled heavily into Trevor's shoulder.

He leaned down to kiss her cheek.

" _Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?_ " To anyone else it'd be a cheap shot but to her, it meant the world. He was offering his services to her knowing good and well she might have had Elliot earlier that day. Trevor knew just as well as Elliot did that she used sex to cope at times.

" _No._ " She whispered, denying him. " _I… not right now… it's all too much…_ " She told him. Her head was practically spinning.

" _Okay._ " Trevor complied. " _I understand._ " He promised, wishing the woman in his arms didn't hurt so much, wishing she didn't go through so much pain.

He would sit there on that couch with her for as long as she needed. He knew her heart was breaking, and he'd even cancel the rest of his work day if he had to. Someone needed to be there for her. Trevor was tired of Olivia always being alone and facing problems by herself.

Ever since he'd been in the picture, that'd changed. He was there for her like a man should be, at times when Elliot couldn't be.

Trevor would be there for her as long as he needed to be. Olivia needed someone on her team, someone who was on her side. Who didn't judge her, who could be there for her. Trevor fully believed Elliot loved his partner, but he also agreed with Olivia, Elliot was a good man and he'd never let Kathy take care of that baby by herself.

So, until the man that Olivia truly loved could be there with her, Trevor would be the stand in.

 **Review? Don't hate me.**


	26. Chapter 26

**I am so, so, so very sorry! My computer has been in the shop forever and I couldn't do anything. Work let me borrow a computer but I can't write fanfiction on a work computer! So I will be making up for my long absence I promise! Please forgive me!**

…

" _Why are you wearing your work clothes?_ " Calvin wondered out loud as they walked up to the front door.

" _Because I'm on call._ " Olivia explained. She'd booked herself on call on purpose, hoping that she'd get called in before actually having to attend.

" _If you get called in, will I have to go home?_ " Calvin asked as he walked beside her, toting his gift in his hand. She was carrying her own gift for the baby, Calvin had insisted he get her something 'cool' for babies instead of gross, boring stuff that most babies get from adults. Olivia had rolled her eyes at the time but most kids usually didn't want any part of it so she was pleased that he cared enough to want to get Kathy's daughter something.

" _No, if you want to stay, someone will bring you home later if you're comfortable with that._ " Olivia promised him, giving him a small smile.

He stopped slowly.

" _You trust them right, like really, really trust them?_ " He questioned, his eyes checking her for the smallest hesitation.

" _Cal, he's my partner. I trust him with my life._ " Olivia told him, gently placing her right hand on his shoulder. " _If you don't want to stay, you can leave with me. I'll drop you off at the house if I get called in._ " She said.

It made her heart hurt to know that he was still weary of people, but she understood. A lot had happened to him. And he was thirteen now, so puberty was hitting him hard. Zits, breakouts, deeper voice, smells. Calvin was quickly turning into a full-blown teenager right before her eyes.

His birthday celebration had been quiet. Trevor took him out to breakfast and Olivia had let him play hooky for the day. Then they'd done some 'guy stuff' as they put it. Trevor later explained to her that this entailed of them shopping for a razor, as Trevor had done on his thirteenth birthday. They also shopped for new clothes and picked up a couple of xbox games that he was now allowed to play since he was thirteen and all.

Olivia met them for lunch. Then Trevor went to work and Olivia spent the rest of the day with Calvin. They'd ended up having some pretty deep conversations.

…

 **FLASHBACK**

" _This game is terrible!_ " Olivia exclaimed as she continued to press X and the right trigger button on her xbox controller.

" _You're only saying that because you're dying…_ " Calvin shot at her with a smile, causing her to roll her eyes.

" _No._ " She said in an annoyed tone. Then signed and put her controller in her lap after she was officially dead on the screen. She had to wait two minutes before her character could be revived and meanwhile, in the background the characters that were run by the game were yelling profanity at her.

" _This is ridiculous._ " She said. " _The amount of cussing they do is completely unnecessary._ "

" _I know not to say it…_ " Calvin said, shooting her a worried glance.

" _I'm not going to take it away._ " She promised. " _As long as you act right and do what you're supposed to, we had a deal._ " She told him. " _But seriously, I'm a better shot in real life. I shoot really, really good._ " Olivia said, as if she was trying to defend her honor and record.

" _Dang._ " Calvin sighed as Olivia started laughing at his character's death.

" _Wanna take a break?_ " She asked as she stood up and headed towards the kitchen.

" _Yeah. That was hard._ " He said.

" _I bet you Fin can beat it. You should get him over here to play with you._ " She suggested as she got them two cokes out of the fridge and made her way back to the couch. She sat on one end and propped her feet up on the couch space between them as Calvin sat with his sock covered feet propped on the coffee table. He thanked her for the coke.

" _Have you ever shot anyone… in real life?_ " Calvin asked her hesitantly.

She swallowed and gave him a small smile.

" _Yeah…. But only as a last resort when I didn't have any other choice. Always criminals when I couldn't get them any other way or to stop them from hurting someone or hurting me._ " Olivia explained carefully. She knew questions about her work were bound to come up, along with many others and she'd just have to take them as they came.

" _Can I ask you another question?_ " He asked slowly, his eyes not meeting hers.

" _Yes, I've killed people but not intentionally._ " She answered without giving it a second thought.

" _That's not what I was…. Really?_ " He seemed caught off guard.

" _Oh, I thought… I thought that'd be your next question. Sorry._ " Olivia apologized quickly and tried to give him a warm smile. A handful of children had asked her questions about her job, and that was always the question they'd followed up with.

" _No…. um, my mom… she said some stuff the last time I went to see her…_." Calvin told her slowly.

Olivia sat up now, pulling her legs up under her and sitting her coke on the coffee table.

" _Okay._ " She said slowly. " _This why you didn't go visit her this past time?_ " She questioned.

Vivian had gone to rehab in order to get clean. Once she'd finished her three months of rehab, she was put in jail for multiple charges. In the end, she only got two years but she was allowed to have visitors.

Calvin didn't have to go see her, it was entirely up to him and he knew that. Olivia supported his decision no matter what. So, sometimes twice a month he'd go visit Vivian in prison. Sometimes Fin would take him, sometimes it'd be Munch or Elliot, but it was never Olivia. Vivian had rights too and that was the one request she always made. She didn't want to see the brunette.

At first, Calvin wouldn't go see his mom because of her request about Olivia but eventually, Olivia was able to show him that it didn't bother her and truth be told, she didn't want to see Vivian either. Olivia had a lot of resentment towards the woman.

Calvin knew there was nothing Vivian could do to get him back. He knew that he was in Olivia's care permanently.

So, sometimes he'd go see Vivian and sometimes she'd say something that made him mad or uncomfortable and he'd skip the next few visitations but it usually didn't both him this badly.

" _What'd she say this time?_ " Olivia asked gently, scooting closer to Calvin in order to get his attention. It wouldn't be the first time the blonde had said something off the wall that Olivia had to fix.

" _She said some things about you. Things that I didn't like._ " He said, looking up at her with cautious eyes. Even though he was 13 now, Calvin still looked like just a boy sometimes.

Olivia nodded in understanding.

" _Well, we know she's not my biggest fan… and to be honest, I'm not hers._ " She said, tilting her head and giving him a small smile as she pushed her hair behind her ear. " _But if it's really bothering you, we can talk about it. You know you can talk to me about anything, Cal._ " Olivia said in her mothering tone.

He was hesitant. More so than he'd ever been before so Olivia was very curious as to what Vivian could have said to him.

Calvin took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly before he spoke.

" _She said you were a rape baby like her and that… that you'll end up not wanting to deal with me because you're broken too…_ " He said softly.

Olivia could tell it'd been weighing heavy on him and his last visit with Vivian had been about three weeks ago. Then this week, he'd declined to go visit her.

" _Okay._ " The detective said, nodding her head. " _I'm sure that was very hard to hear and very hard to take in. She's not supposed to be talking to you like that. We can get her in trouble if we told what she was saying, all we have to do is tell your social worker._ " Olivia told him.

" _No… she's already in prison…._ " Calvin concluded. Then remained quiet, waiting for her to speak.

" _Let start with this; do you know what a 'rape baby' is? And for the record, I prefer the term 'child of rape'._ " Olivia said.

Calvin looked at her with wide eyes.

" _So, it's true?_ " He asked slowly.

" _Answer me first, Cal._ " Olivia commanded lightly. " _What's rape? We've already had that talk._ " She said.

" _Forced sex. Or sex when the other person is unconscious or too impaired to give consent._ " He answered as though he'd rehearsed it.

" _Good._ " Olivia replied giving him a small smile.

Soon after she'd learned that Calvin was already knowledgeable about sex, she'd decided to further educate him. Truthfully, it should be taught way earlier than thirteen, but she couldn't do anything about it or the way he was introduced to sex.

" _So, what do you think a 'child of rape' is?_ "

" _A… a c-child who was… um…_ " He tried to answer in a shaky voice and Olivia's eyes got big rather quickly.

" _What-no! No, honey no. That didn't happen to me when I was a child._ " Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes while stretching out her arms. " _C'mere._ " She called to him gently and was relieved when she felt him hug her.

" _I am okay. I was not sexually assaulted as a child. Oh sweetheart…_ " Olivia cooed as she pulled back and looked at him. He had tears in his eyes. " _You gotta talk to me about this stuff, Cal. Don't sit on it for three weeks. I hope you haven't been thinking about that for the past three weeks._ " She said.

" _I'm sorry._ " He whispered.

" _Don't apologize._ " She said, hugging him again. " _Just… talk to me okay. We have to keep an open line of communication._ "

Once they'd pulled away from each other and got situated on the couch once more, she spoke again.

" _A child of rape is someone who was born because a rape occurred. So, my mother was raped and the rape got her pregnant._ " Olivia explained as gently as she could.

Calvin sat in thought for a moment. He seemed to be thinking it over in his mind. It shouldn't have been that hard to understand. He knew sex was how babies were made, and just because it wasn't consensual doesn't mean babies still can't be made.

" _But if my mom….. Grandma was raped?_ " He asked, looking to Olivia.

She exhaled slowly and looked around the room. She didn't fancy breaking Calvin's grandmother's privacy even if she was dead. Olivia knew the woman would never have wanted her grandson to know that, she didn't even want her own daughter to know.

" _I'm sorry, Calvin._ " Olivia said gently. " _If it helps, we caught the man that did it and he's dead now… He can never hurt anyone again._ " She tried. Olivia decided not to tell him about the case when she'd met him and how he'd actually met his grandmother's rapist, his paternal grandfather.

" _Mom says she can't help the way she is, that it's because she was born out of evil… but you don't act like she does. You're nice and you care… you're a good person._ " Calvin told her honestly.

Olivia had to collect herself and take a moment, so she wouldn't get choked up.

" _Thank you, Calvin._ " She said. " _And I'm not leaving you or giving you up. Ever. I love you. I signed papers so you'd be my son legally and it's been one of the best things that I've ever done._ " She promised him.

" _I'm sorry that you… you're a…_ " He hesitated, she could tell it still bothered him.

" _I'm okay. I don't want you worrying about me._ " Olivia told him with a smile. " _I've come to terms with it and I'm in a good place. I have so many wonderful things in my life that make me happy that I'm thankful for. I have you…_ " She said, giving him a small nudge. " _I have Trevor. Elliot is one of my best friends and Fin and Munch are pretty nice too. I get to do work where I help people every day… and that's pretty fulfilling._ " For some reason she felt the need to prove to him and show him that she was happy. " _I've come to terms with being a child of rape, and I'm okay._ " Olivia promised him.

" _What do you do when that happens?_ " Calvin asked lightly.

" _Well,_ " Olivia began. " _Some women abort, and some choose to give their babies up for adoption._ " She explained. " _My mother kept me because back then, abortion was illegal and I guess she just didn't want to give her baby up to strangers…_ " She said, shrugging.

Later on when Olivia had become an adult, her mother had tried to tell her that she'd kept her because she wanted a daughter and she'd spewed a bunch of other reasons but Olivia knew it was all a bullshit lie to convince her to visit her mother more often, which was something she seldom did because of her mother's drinking problem and the abuse that she'd suffered at the hands of her mother.

" _She would be my legal grandmother?_ " Calvin questioned, suddenly wondering why Olivia never mentioned her mom before.

" _I guess so. I don't know whether she would have loved it or hated it but yeah…_ " She said with a small laugh. " _You'd be her adoptive grandson._ "

" _She's dead, isn't she?_ " He seemed to have caught on to the way Olivia was speaking in past tense.

" _Yes. She has been for a few years now…_." She replied gently. " _My mother's name was Serena. She was and English Literature professor at Hudson University. She was… profoundly smart. I still have some of her literature books on the bookshelf…_ " Olivia said, pointing across the living room to the bookshelf by the wall close to the guest room and Calvin's room.

" _Wow._ " Calvin said as his eyes darted to the bookcase on the other side of the room. " _She sounds amazing…_ "

There was no way he could know what he was saying or the effect that it was having on Olivia. Calvin wanted so badly to believe there was good in everyone but there was also this side of him that was hesitant with new people because he'd been shown that there was not good in everyone.

" _I'm going to tell you this because… well, you should know. I want you to know, to an extent, where I come from…_ " Olivia explained. She waited on Calvin to nod before she continued. " _I loved my mother very much but… because I was a daily reminder of what happened to her, she never quite got over it… She was an alcoholic, she was abusive…_."

" _Like my mom?_ " Calvin piped up.

" _Well… abusive in different ways._ " Olivia said as she tried to think of how to explain her abuse to him without totally going off the rails. " _She drank vodka every single day. I'd have to cook, clean, make sure to put her to bed and put her cigarettes out so she didn't burn our apartment down… ever since I was a child, we'd get into arguments, fights when she was drunk, and she'd attack me in a rage. Sometimes I'd leave and go to a friend's house, other times she was too drunk to stay home alone…_."

Olivia lifted up her left elbow and pulled her sleeve down, showing him a small, jagged, white scar.

" _This is from a broken vodka bottle that she threw at me._ " Olivia said, and then she almost began crying when Calvin sat up and lifted his shirt.

" _It's okay, look._ " Calvin said to her as he showed her a bigger jagged scar on his left side, accompanied by a few smaller ones. " _I have scars too._ "

She was shocked. All she could do was stare at him for a moment as her left arm slowly lowered to her side.

" _Oh god…_ " Olivia whispered as she scooted closer to him to inspect his marks. " _Calvin, honey…. Tell me what happened. Who did this? Did Vivian do this? You're not going back to see her anymore. I know I said I'd support you but… but this…._ "

" _No, one of her old boyfriends did it…_ " He replied, trying to act like it wasn't a big deal.

" _What did he do?_ " She said, leaning in close but not daring to touch him until she had his permission.

" _Olivia, you look like you're gonna cry._ " He observed out loud.

" _Because I probably am going to cry…. What happened?_ " She asked again with more urgency, leaning up and looking into his eyes, signaling that he could put his shirt down because she'd seen enough.

" _I don't know what the big one is from. I can't remember. The smaller ones are just knife cuts._ "

" _How old were you?_ " She asked.

" _Four, five, or six? Mom only dated him for a year I think… and then he was gone._ " Calvin told her. " _He said he was my new dad and that he was going to toughen me up._ "

" _Did she know?_ " Olivia asked quietly. " _Calvin, did your mom know?_ " She asked again with more urgency when she didn't get an answer. All he did was shrug which was enough to tell Olivia that Vivian most likely had known and Calvin was trying to pretend like she hadn't because it was just easier that way and lessened the pain.

" _Is this why you didn't want to go out for the swim team?_ " Olivia asked, wracking her brain of the reasons why she didn't know these scars existed. Sure, Calvin mostly swam with a shirt on, but it was because of the sun and not wanting to get sunburnt. But then again, kids usually complained about having to wear a shirt while swimming… but Calvin didn't.

" _Yes._ " He said in a small voice.

Olivia nodded her head, taking another deep breath and trying to remain calm.

" _What else did he do to you?_ " She asked, fearing all the possible answers.

Calvin shook his head slightly.

" _Not much… just pushed me around… got rough with me. I'd have a black eye sometimes or some bruises but it wasn't that bad, honest._ " He told her as if he was trying to comfort her.

His very words reminded Olivia of Elliot when he first started telling her about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father. He'd tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, as if it was just something he had to go through but Olivia knew there was way more to it than that, and she feared the same was true for Calvin.

" _Okay…. I will never, and I mean NEVER, date anyone who would do anything like that to you. The guys I date, they have to have my approval but yours too, if not, they're out of here. And if they ever touch you or do anything they aren't supposed to do, you tell me, Calvin. You tell me, so I can arrest them…._ " She said. " _Or shoot them…_ " She whispered to herself.

Olivia sat back on the couch and put her feet on the ground, letting the back of her head hit the couch as she closed her eyes.

" _Thank you._ " Came Calvin's soft voice.

She lifted her head and looked towards him.

" _For what?_ " Olivia asked with a questioning look.

" _When I told my mom I didn't like him, she told me that I was just a kid and I didn't know anything about relationships or how they worked. She didn't care what I thought, but you do. You care, Olivia._ " Calvin told her.

Ah, so Vivian had known after all. And it was most likely when Vivian was deep into her drug addiction.

" _It's not your fault what happened to you, Cal. You just got dealt a bad hand in life. So did I…_ " She told him, reaching over and squeezing his hand. " _And for the record, so did your mom. She might not have developed her drug addiction if she had a more loving mother who cared for her and her needs… but then again, I never developed a drug addiction, so I honestly don't know. Everyone is different but she at least deserved to be loved and cared for. All children do._ "

All he did was smile at her and squeeze her hand awkwardly.

Olivia could sympathize with Vivian to an extent. She knew what it felt like to be a child of rape, to question your whole existence and wonder if you should have ever been born.

" _We have to tell your social worker about your scars…_ " She told Calvin in a soft voice. He clearly was disappointed and worried instantly. " _It has to be documented so they know when it happened and what all went on… They need to know so Vivian can't claim that I did it down the road if she ever wants to cause problems for us…_ "

" _I'd never say you hurt me._ " Calvin said quickly, his wide eyes looking at her. She could tell that this boy loved her so much and it just warmed her heart.

" _I know…_ " She whispered, giving him a soft smile and squeezing his hand again. " _I know… but we still have to tell them. You won't have to talk about it for long, you don't have to talk about it at all if you don't want to…_." She promised him.

Olivia couldn't force him to talk but she was going to keep the social worker up to date with all of the information necessary. She wasn't going to do anything that could put his adoption in jeopardy. It was odd though, Olivia couldn't help but wonder why a doctor never reported the scars to anyone. It would surely have been seen as child abuse but then again, maybe the doctors Vivian had taken him to were off the wall, or she might not have taken him to any at all.

It hurt her to think of Calvin as a little boy and not being able to go to the dentist or have a yearly checkup like kids should.

" _Now, let's see if we can make any progress on this game…_ " Olivia said, picking up her controller and quickly changing the subject. She'd had enough personal talk for tonight.

…

 **PRESENT DAY:**

Olivia and Calvin reached the front door of the home and she rang the doorbell. It took someone a few minutes to answer because of the amount of people inside but that was no surprise.

" _Olivia!_ " Kathleen exclaimed as she reached to hug the older woman. " _You must be Calvin._ " The blonde said, smiling down at him.

This wasn't your traditional baby shower, all though Olivia was certain Kathy's other four showers had been traditional. This was just a normal house party/get together/BBQ. The Stabler's clearly hadn't wanted anything big or to have multiple showers so they'd opted on this get together.

Olivia had brought Calvin because Elliot had told her there'd be cousins there his age. Plus, she couldn't deny that she wanted Calvin to meet Elliot's family.

However, when Calvin saw a small group of guys his age throwing around a basket ball outside, he quickly deserted Olivia after handing her his baby shower gift.

" _He'll be fine._ " Kathleen promised. " _It's so good to see you!_ " She said. " _And you'll get to see everyone, we're all here. Even Richard, he's home for a couple of weeks._ "

" _Oh._ " Was all Olivia could say. She really wasn't expecting the entire Stabler clan to be there today. She was wishing more and more that she'd brought Trevor with her, but he'd had to work.

She followed Kathleen through the house to the kitchen. Apparently, most everyone was outside. There were several guys standing around the grill with Elliot and at one of the bigger tables sat a group of women. Olivia was sure Kathy was in there somewhere.

Olivia stepped more into the kitchen as Maureen excused herself to the bathroom.

" _Hey, Liv._ " She was greeted with a hug from Dicky, which surprised her. Olivia got a wave from Maureen and Lizzie gifted her with another hug. " _Crazy, huh? Mom keeps getting knocked up, Dad just can't keep his hands to himself, those two lovebirds!_ " Dicky told her with way too much enthusiasm.

Never the less, Olivia was caught off guard again. Her eyebrows rose, and she had a deer-in-headlights look on her face, clearly having expected the kids to know. In fact, she thought everyone at the party knew the baby wasn't Elliot's.

Maureen just snorted as she leaned over the counter and sipped on her coffee. " _She totally knows._ " The oldest Stabler declared.

" _Definitely._ " Dicky agreed.

Lizzie huffed. " _Do you know?_ " She was the only one who actually flat out asked Olivia.

" _Um…_ " Olivia bit her bottom lip, feeling a bit like she was in an awkward position. " _Was it supposed to be a secret?_ "

" _Was what supposed to be a secret?_ " Kathleen asked, having walked back into the room from having gone to the bathroom.

" _Guys, don't do this to me…_ " Olivia nearly begged as she rolled her eyes.

" _Come on, just say it…_ " Dicky asked with a little too much excitement.

Olivia huffed.

" _That the baby isn't Elliot's…_ " The brunette said in a very low voice with a small shrug.

" _Yes!_ " Dicky nearly shouted. " _You and you, both of you owe me forty bucks!_ " He exclaimed, pointing to Lizzie and Kathleen.

" _Damn…_ " Kathleen cursed under her breath as she began digging twenties out of her pocket.

Olivia pressed her lips into a thin line.

" _What? You didn't want to bet on me?_ " She turned to ask Maureen with some annoyance. The oldest child just shrugged.

" _He tells you everything. I wouldn't be surprised if you knew more about him than mom…_ " She said with a shrug, then went back to sipping her tea. The words almost sounded like there was more behind them, but Olivia left it alone. She didn't come here to pick a fight with Elliot's kids and to be honest, they weren't truly getting on her nerves, but he was. How could he not tell her that he was passing the baby off as his own?

" _Okay, so before I go out there, to be clear…_ " Olivia said putting her hands up and gesturing. " _Everyone here thinks that baby is Elliot's?_ " She asked.

" _Yep._ " Replied Dicky. " _Everyone except all of us in the room and mom and dad._ "

Olivia couldn't help but roll her eyes again.

" _So, I take it they are for sure calling the divorce off this time?_ " She asked, more so out of curiosity than anything, but literally all four kids shrugged.

" _Your guess is as good as ours._ " Kathleen told Olivia with sad eyes. " _I don't care if they divorce…_ "

" _None of us do._ " Maureen piped in.

" _We just wish they'd stop going back and forth…_." Kathleen said lowly.

Olivia swallowed. This was really hitting her hard. She hadn't spent much time with the Stabler kids in years. And they weren't kids anymore. Dicky and Elizabeth had to be twenty or twenty-one by now and Kathleen and Maureen had to be in their mid-twenties.

It was Eli that she saw the most and it wasn't even that often that she got to see him. She hated seeing what Elliot's rocky marriage was doing to them.

"Okay…." Olivia said, not knowing what to really say because now she was not only put in an awkward position, but her mind was going crazy. She was hurt and confused and she felt betrayed.

Elliot had still said he'd get a divorce after the baby came, even though she thought he should stay with Kathy and help her out. It can't be easy raising a baby in your forties along with a toddler.

It'd been over three months since Elliot had told her Kathy was pregnant. She was just getting to the eighth month marker. Olivia hadn't seen her yet but she figured Kathy was big. She had been with the other children but then again, she'd had twins too.

Olivia couldn't believe Elliot hadn't told her about keeping everything a secret. She's glad the kids had said something or else she might have accidentally told everyone. He had to have a good reason for not telling her. Her life was stressful as it was without this added to it.

….

 **FLASHBACK:**

" _It's a girl…_ " Elliot whispered as he lay next to her on the bottom bunk of one of the beds in the crib.

They were laying shoulder to shoulder, fully clothed and just taking a breather from the case.

She smiled in the semi-darkness.

" _That's nice._ " Olivia said honestly as they both stared at the bottom of the bunk above them. " _Kathy excited?_ " She asked out of curiosity.

Elliot released a small laugh. " _Yeah, yeah she is. She only works part time now and she's saved up so many sick days that she'll be able to stay home way longer than maternity leave lets her… I think she's happy because she'll get to spend more time with this one, she'll really get to raise her and pay attention to all the small things we missed when we were working non-stop…_ "

" _That's… that's good._ " Olivia commented, not really knowing what to say, but she was happy that Kathy seemed happy with the situation. Olivia knew it must be difficult for a woman to have one child, let alone six, and two of them being had while she was in her forties.

Elliot's hands were clasped together over his stomach and she mirrored his position although her feet were crossed at the end of the bed.

" _She says she's gonna get her tubes tied right after she's born…_ "

Olivia began to laugh.

" _Can you blame her? After five pregnancies I'd want mine tied too._ " She said with a smile nudging him.

Olivia could feel it in the air. She didn't know what it was but something was looming over them. He'd been too quiet and shut off lately. Elliot clearly had a lot going on in his mind and she'd decided not to push it, to just let him come to her with whatever it was in his own time but her patience was growing thin.

" _Have you guys picked out a name yet?_ " She asked silently, testing the waters by mentioning both of them instead of just asking if Kathy had decided on a name.

" _I think Kath wants to go with Riley but she's not one hundred percent sure yet…_ " He replied, still gazing above them.

" _El?_ " Olivia asked gently.

" _Hmm?_ " He replied, looking at her as she shifted onto her left side to face him.

" _What's going on?_ " She asked lightly, putting one hand under her pillow and her right hand under her head as she drew her knees up slightly, toughing the side of his right thigh. " _With you and Kathy I mean, what's happening there?_ "

Elliot exhaled deeply and used his left hand to briefly rub his eyes.

" _I don't know._ "

Olivia remained quiet for a moment. She didn't know what that meant. Did he not know if he was going to stay with her? Did he not know if he had feelings for her anymore?

" _I need more than that._ " She whispered, looking at him. " _What do you know?_ " Olivia asked as gently as possible. The last thing she wanted to do was piss him off and she knew he had a reputation for shutting down when things got hard or too personal.

Elliot took another deep breath and turned on his right side to face her.

" _I know that I care about you._ " He said softly, as he used his left hand to caress her face. Olivia closed her eyes to his touch. " _I know that I can't divorce my wife right now because she's pregnant, and I know that if this other man doesn't step up, I will._ " Elliot explained.

Her eyes popped open at the last bit of his sentence.

" _He still doesn't know what he wants to do?_ " She asked in disbelief.

It'd been a month since Elliot had told her about Kathy being pregnant which meant it'd been a little over a month since the biological father knew. He should have made up his mind by now.

Elliot dropped his hand from her face and gave her a soft look.

" _He says he still needs more time. He's supposed to go with her to the next ultrasound and doctor's visit and see how it goes, but personally? I don't have a good feeling about it. I don't think he'll stay around._ " He told her in honesty.

That broke Olivia's heart in more ways than one. The whole situation did really.

She wanted to cry for the baby girl that Kathy was carrying. Olivia knew what it was like to never know your biological father and she hated that this little girl might have to go through some of the similar heartaches that she did. Seeing all the other fathers at school plays and not having one of her own, knowing her father didn't love her enough to stick around, and having to go through Father's Day after Father's Day used to be such an emotional rollercoaster for Olivia. But at least Elliot would step up. He wouldn't let this baby be fatherless.

Then there was Kathy. This was probably the first man she'd ever been with other than Elliot and it was turning into a disaster. Olivia couldn't even fathom what the blonde was feeling.

And then there was this whole situation where Kathy was actually having a baby girl that would probably become Elliot's daughter and Olivia couldn't help but think about the daughter that she'd had with him. It weighed on her mind and heart more and more each day that passed.

She knew she needed to tell him, and she'd decided she would. Soon. If he really did want to divorce Kathy and be with her, then he deserved to know the truth before he made a big decision like that. She was positive he'd be furious and probably go back into Kathy's arms but maybe that's where Olivia wanted him to go. Maybe she was tired of going back and forth with him and she just needed something solid, a decision that stood. Half the time, she thought he and Kathy belonged together anyways.

But she couldn't tell him about the miscarriage now, not when Kathy was pregnant. He'd blow up and go to Kathy and then Kathy would be a mess because she was pregnant. Olivia couldn't blow up their family right now and the stress wouldn't be good for the baby. After all, when Olivia had miscarried, the doctors had told her stress could have been a contributing factor along with her age and she didn't want to do anything to put Kathy's baby at risk. She'd have to tell him after the baby was born at least.

" _I'm sorry._ " Olivia whispered softly.

He shook his head.

" _You have nothing to be sorry for. This is on me and Kathy. We waited around and drug the divorce out for way too long…_ " He replied.

" _I'm sorry._ " She repeated lightly. " _I should have never asked you to leave her. That was wrong of me and it was something I'd promised myself I'd never do… you just caught me at a weak moment._ " Olivia explained, trying to make it seem okay that he was most likely going to be back with Kathy.

Elliot let out a harsh exhale and reached over to grab her hand.

" _I'm not sorry that I love you and I won't take it back. You shouldn't be sorry that you love me either._ " He told her with a very small smile.

She jerked her hand away so quickly that she almost fell off the bed.

" _I never said that I loved you. I've never said that. Ever._ " She said. Her demeanor had changed, there was now a fire in her eyes and she was no long relaxed.

He shook his head.

" _You didn't have to…. I can see it in your eyes._ " Elliot whispered as he tried to caress her face again but she leaned back and turned around so she could sit up.

It was no secret. She'd almost said it to him a few times when they were fooling around behind Kathy's back. The few night's he'd stay at her apartment and they'd end up doing 'things' to release tension. Once, he'd been able to tell that she wanted to say it and he'd even told her to, he'd told her that he'd say it back but she'd declined.

" _As soon as this baby is born, whether I have to be her father or not, I'm putting in my papers._ " He told Olivia as he turned over and got off the bed so that he could walk around and face her. She was standing now and it felt like her heart had stopped.

" _What?_ " She said in shock. " _Y-you're leaving me… Elliot, you can't do that!_ " Olivia nearly begged as she felt her eyes began to water. " _I can do my job without our feelings getting in the way… we can-_ "

" _No!_ " He cut her off quickly. " _I'm putting in my divorce papers. We're refiling and this time we're going to go through with it, do everything we can to fast track it…_ " He said, walking closer to her, but she was still in shock.

He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her as she pressed her face into his chest and took a deep breath. Finally, he felt her arms sneak around his waist.

She couldn't help but hug him. Her heart had stopped at the thought of never seeing him. She would rather be able to have him as her work partner than not have him at all.

The she leaned back and pushed him roughly on the chest.

" _You fucking jerk._ " She said with her eyes still flaring. " _You scared the shit out of me._ "

Elliot rolled his eyes playfully and leaned forward, giving her another hug because now it seemed like she needed it.

He kissed her on the forehead and gently caressed her back with his hands.

" _You and lover boy better start staging some fights because in a few months, I'm all yours, Olivia._ " He whispered in her ear and all she could do was hug him tighter and shiver at the chill that ran down her spine from his words.

She had to tell him about their daughter. Soon.

….

 **PRESENT DAY**

" _Okay, well… I brought a gift for the baby… the invitation wasn't specific if gifts were required or not so I figured better safe than sorry…_ " Olivia said more so to Kathleen than anyone as she held up the gift bag that had 'BABY' written on the side. She thought it was best to steer the conversation in a different direction. " _The smaller one's from Calvin… he insisted on getting the baby something 'cool'._ " She explained with a flat look.

" _Right on._ " Dicky said in agreement with Calvin's decision even though he still didn't know what the gift was. Clearly being in the service hadn't changed Dicky much but then again, Olivia figured he probably acted different here than he does at the base.

" _Oh, you can put them in the nursery. Mom wants to open gifts later after everyone has left. She's just gonna visit with the fam for a bit and not everyone brought gifts anyways. It's just up the stairs, first door on the left._ " Kathleen said, pointing at the staircase.

Olivia nodded. " _Thanks._ " She whispered as she made her way to the stairs and began to walk them.

It registered in her mind that the room Kathleen had said was the nursery, was the room that Elliot had been sleeping in months ago when Olivia had last been at the house for Eli's birthday. Gosh, that was… over ten months ago, almost a year ago. And if Elliot's old room was the new nursery, then Elliot must be back to sharing the master bedroom with Kathy.

Eli's birthday was coming up again sooner than she'd realized and she dreaded having to come to his party again. Maybe she just wouldn't be able to make it this year…

Upon reaching the doorway, she noticed that most of the things in the room were mint green. Olivia actually liked it. Kathy had strayed away from normal baby gender stereotypes.

There was a white crib and white puffy rug covering the floor. A dresser and changing table to match. Grey elephants and green butterflies covered the wall and "RILEY" was hung up over the crib in big, artsy letters.

There was a total of three rocking chairs in the room. One that was white and looked new, and two that looked like they were probably passed down in the family.

As she stood in the doorway and took in the room, it hit her harder than she'd expected. She wondered what colors she would have done her daughter's nursery in, what name she would have chosen, and the things she would have bought.

Olivia swallowed hard and took a deep breath. She walked over to the crib and leaned down to drop her gifts inside, where the other gifts had accumulated.

Turning around, she saw there was a big white bookshelf filled with many children's books. Some new and some old. The room looked amazing, it truly did. It made her wonder what Eli's room looked like, but she didn't think they'd put as much effort into any of the previous children's' rooms as they did this one.

Olivia smiled as she saw a mint green sock monkey sitting on the shelf and went over to pick it up.

This would have been something she would have gotten for her child. Something that looked ridiculous and comforting all at the same time. She wanted to laugh just looking at the thing that slightly resembled a monkey but it's arms and legs were way too long.

Taking a deep breath, she decided to walk over and sit down in the white rocking chair. Her eyes were filling with water and she needed to take a seat for a moment, choosing the new chair because she wasn't sure how sturdy the older ones were.

Everything was so surreal.

Olivia wanted to hate Kathy, she honestly did. The woman had everything she'd ever wanted. Kids, white picket fence, the man Olivia loved, a house to adore….

She shook her head at herself as she was deep in thought. Olivia knew she didn't deserve any of this. She'd slept with the woman's husband. There was no telling how much bad karma was coming her way. She fingered the sock puppet that lay in her lap and became lost in her thoughts.

" _The kids said you were up here…_ " Kathy spoke softly as she entered the room, giving Olivia a sympathetic look once she realized the brunette was a bit emotional.

" _Yeah, sorry… I um…_ " Olivia began as she started to stand up.

" _No, it's alright._ " Kathy replied with a small smile, beckoning her to stay seated. Olivia leaned back and remained where she was.

Kathy was glowing when she was pregnant. Olivia knew it must have something to do with the hormones and things going on in her body but there was always a glow about her when she was with child.

There was no mistaking her belly. She was big and round, right on track for being almost eight weeks along.

The blonde made her way to the older rocking chair beside Olivia and gently sat down.

" _I can't imagine how hard this must be for you…_ " Kathy empathized. " _You didn't have to come, I would have understood._ " She said, looking at Olivia as she rested her hand on her round belly.

Olivia let out a small laugh and shrugged.

" _I got an invitation._ "

" _I couldn't not invite you…_ " Kathy said with a small smile.

Olivia left the comment alone.

" _I put our presents in the crib with the others._ " The brunette explained. " _One is from me and there's one from Calvin. He insisted on getting the baby a 'cool' present since apparently all grown-ups buy lame presents…_ "

Kathy let out a small laugh.

" _I met him outside. He's a character. Congratulations, again._ "

A warm smile graced Olivia's face.

" _Thank you._ " She replied. " _I didn't mean to hide out in the nursery… I just… It threw me off, coming up here and seeing all this…_." Olivia said with some guilt. " _I thought I'd be fine._ " She whispered, looking around the room, wishing to look anywhere but at Kathy. She hated that Kathy was one of the few people that knew her secret.

" _Is it your first baby shower since you lost the baby?_ " The blonde asked softly, hoping not to step on anyone's toes but she couldn't help but wonder if anyone else in Olivia's life knew the pain she'd went through or felt in response to having a miscarriage.

Olivia swallowed hard as her eyes filled with tears again.

" _I'm sorry, you don't have to-_ " Kathy started.

" _Yeah…._ " The brunette whispered, still not looking at the other woman.

Kathy nodded.

" _The first shower is always hard, especially since it's not yours._ " She explained but Olivia shook her head in disagreement.

" _I don't even go to showers… I… my friends are mostly guys and the couple of women that I am friends with don't have kids._ "

Olivia had no idea what was going on really. She didn't talk to Kathy like this, they weren't friends. And she was a private person. She wouldn't even talk to Elliot about it and it was hard enough for her to open up to Fin about it, so why the hell was she able to be so open with Kathy?

Kathy just shrugged.

" _It's different for everyone…_ " She said as she leaned back and started rocking slightly as she rubbed her right hand over her belly.

Olivia scrunched her eyebrows together slightly as she looked over at the blonde.

" _Kathy, have you…._ " The brunette started, maybe asking a question that she shouldn't.

" _No._ " She replied, giving Olivia a small smile. " _But a couple of my friends have had miscarriages and I can tell you, even years later it still tears them apart sometimes…_ "

Olivia swallowed hard and stared straight ahead. She'd thought she wasn't fully over it because she hadn't told Elliot and had been keeping this big secret from him. She hadn't thought about what the rest of her life would be like even if she did tell him.

In reality, she was robbed of birthdays she'd never get to celebrate, holidays together with her family, a high school graduation consisting of watching her daughter who would possibly look like a mixture of her and Elliot walking across a stage in a cap and gown.

" _I take it the father has decided he doesn't want to be a father…_ " Olivia questioned out loud, turning her gaze on Kathy and changing the subject quickly before she broke down all together.

The smile from Kathy's face dropped instantly and she licked her lips before pressing them together in a thin line and placing the other hand on her belly now in almost a protective stance.

" _I'm not trying to be rude…._ " Olivia said. " _God knows I'm not judging you, not after the things I've done… It's just… Elliot's stopped talking to me. I didn't even know it was a secret until the kids said something earlier._ "

The blonde's eyebrows crushed together in confusion.

" _What did they say?_ " She asked hesitantly, as if she was scared of what they said behind her back.

" _Nothing really, it was more of a judge on my character than yours. They made bets that I knew already…._ " Olivia explained and Kathy rolled her eyes. " _It's fine…_ " The detective promised. " _But I might have given it away because I wasn't aware it was a secret…_ " She explained.

" _I'm sorry. I thought he would have told you._ " Kathy said, giving Olivia a sympathetic look. Then the blonde took a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly, preparing to divulge the information to Olivia as swiftly as possible.

" _He's decided he doesn't want to be a father. He was new at the hospital when we met, then we went out… with Elliot's blessing…_ " She added for good measure and Olivia nodded. " _I didn't know he was married until about six weeks after I'd told him I was pregnant. No one knew he was married. He'd just moved here… So, he gave me forty-three thousand dollars and transferred hospitals…_ "

To say that Olivia was shocked would be an understatement. She was so surprised by Kathy's quick explanation that her mouth was still hanging open.

" _I know._ " The blonde said, nodding sadly.

" _Oh… oh my god, Kathy. What the actual fuck?_ " Olivia said, briefly forgetting the woman in beside her was semi-religious so she usually tried to tone down her foul language. " _That's a ton of money… was he trying to buy your silence?_ " She asked, sticking her nose where it didn't belong.

The other woman shook her head.

" _No, it adds up to two hundred dollars of child support per month for the next eighteen years._ " She explained.

" _Well… um…_ " Olivia didn't know what to say. " _That's a lot of money. A lot._ " Was all she could say.

Kathy shrugged.

" _He was a surgeon so it's not like it hurt him…_ " The blonde replied coldly and all Olivia could do was nod. She understood the coldness. From what she'd been told, it wasn't just a fling, Kathy had actually liked this man and he'd eluded to her that they were going to be in a real relationship.

" _I'm sorry._ " Olivia said with a sympathetic look.

Kathy shook her head again. " _It's fine._ " She said, brushing off her pain and masking her sorrow. She'd let Olivia see enough for today.

The brunette stood up and walked to the bookshelf, putting the sock monkey back.

" _If you don't mind, I'm going to head out… I just… it's a lovely party but I'm not real comfortable right now, not because of you but because…. Of personal reasons._ " Olivia said as she turned towards Kathy.

The other woman nodded. She understood Olivia. This wasn't about how in love Olivia was with Elliot, it wasn't about how Kathy was knocked up with another man's baby, or how now Elliot had to step up and be a father again. It was about the pain Olivia was suffering because she was haunted by memories that she'd never get to have of her own daughter.

Kathy laughed as Olivia put out a hand to help the pregnant woman up.

" _I feel like a whale…_ " She said.

" _Could be worse… you could be having twins again…_ " Olivia joked and Kathy rolled her eyes.

Their playful banter was odd, mostly because they didn't do this, they didn't get along. After all, the last time Olivia was in this very room with Kathy, she'd threatened to sue her.

Before they both made it out of the room, Olivia stopped the blonde.

" _Hey, umm…_ " She called to Kathy who turned around to look at her. " _I'm going to tell Elliot about the baby… soon, but I'm going to wait until after she… ummm, Riley, is born…_ " Olivia explained quickly. " _I just wanted to give you a heads up… you know how he is and how his temper can be…_ "

Kathy swallowed hard.

" _Not that it matters what I think, but I think that's a good decision. You're doing the right thing by telling him._ "

Somewhere in the back of Olivia's mind, she hoped that it'd be easier for Elliot to deal with since he'd have a new baby, and that maybe it's help make up for the one he'd lost.


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks for all the reviews and encouraging words. I enjoy your opinions and value the thoughts of my readers. It still amazes me that I have any.**

Olivia walked in the door with her purse in tow. She shut it and secured the deadbolt.

Trevor was in the kitchen. He'd just finished washing off some grapes and had put them in a bowl.

" _You're back early… you okay?_ " He asked, knowing the baby shower/party might hit home for her since she'd had a miscarriage a few years back… and the fact that it was Elliot's.

" _Yeah…_ " She said as she walked over and looked around the kitchen to make sure he wasn't actually cooking anything.

" _Where's Cal?_ " He asked.

" _He wanted to stay for a while and play basketball with the boys._ " Olivia replied. " _Meet me in the bedroom…._ " She told him while looking him up and down. " _And bring the grapes…_ " Olivia added as she headed down the hall.

" _Yes ma'am…_ " Trevor replied quickly. His eyebrows were raised in surprised. They didn't get to have sex all the time anymore because of Calvin but that was fine, Olivia didn't care. She'd do just about anything for her son.

After hurriedly putting the dishes in the sink and making sure the kitchen looked decent, Trevor headed to the bedroom.

He found Olivia under the covers and waiting for him. From the looks of it, she wasn't wearing much of anything under the sheets and he wasn't complaining.

After placing the bowl of grapes on the night stand, it took him half a second to strip down to his boxers and crawl under the comforter, joining her. He even left the door open because he'd seen her put the deadlock on, he knew they'd need to be able to hear the buzzer or knocking if Calvin arrived and they weren't quite…. Finished.

" _Hey…_ " She said smiling as she scooted closer to him and leaned in, giving him a peck on the lips, then meeting his eyes once more before she gave him a real kiss.

" _Someone's in the mood…_ " He commented as she broke their kiss and moved to straddle him under the covers.

" _I just… need some attention…_ " Olivia purred as she sat up with the comforter falling to her waist, arching her back slightly on purpose so her breasts looked fuller and more perky although her nipples were already standing at attention.

" _Damn…_ " Trevor whispered as he hooked both of his index fingers into the sides of the red lace thong that she was wearing. " _You been wearing this all day?_ " He asked as his eyes swirled with arousal.

Olivia shook her head 'no' and bit her lip, knowing what the action was doing to him. She could feel his body come to life.

" _You put it on just now… for me?_ " He asked softly, his eyes dancing as his big, manly hands massaged her hips and down to her lower thighs, then back up again.

Olivia nodded while still biting her lip.

Trevor took a deep, shaky breath as he closed his eyes and allowed his hands to roam up her torso, not focusing on her stomach because he knew she hated that. He bypassed her belly and took a breast in each hand as he massaged them with his fingers.

" _Mmmmhmmmm…._." Olivia moaned, letting her head loll to the side, then roll back as she arched further into his hands. God was she turned on.

He moved to sit up more, propping his back against the headboard and dragging her body with him on his lap. Trevor had a much better angle in this position and could easily latch onto her right nipple with his lips. He began to suck and let his tongue swirl while lightly letting his teeth graze her pink, perky bud.

" _Oh, babe…_ " She moaned in a voice that was a few pitches higher than her normal, also known as her playful bedroom voice. She'd used a pet name, one that had previously been reserved for Elliot but she'd long given that up.

The sound went straight to Trevor's dick, which was now pressed firmly against her ass through his boxers. It didn't take long for Olivia to begin rocking back and forth on his lap. She could feel herself pulsating between her legs.

After a few seconds, Trevor switched breasts and attached his lips to her left nipple. He began licking, sucking, and lightly biting at her. She was in heaven. This was just what she had needed to get her mind off of everything.

Trevor's right hand snuck its way down the backside of her ass, reaching around and dipping the tip of his middle finger inside her. She was wetter than normal.

" _Trevor…_ " She purred again, getting his attention. When he leaned back and looked at her, she continued. " _I want to try the ring, baby._ " Olivia suggested lightly.

He knew he could decline if he'd wanted to, it wasn't even something that they'd planned on using. Olivia had received it as a gag gift many years ago and she'd only found it when they'd been packing to move her into the new apartment. She'd stowed it in her bedside drawer with all the other vibrators, condoms, and lube but it had still gone untouched for several months.

" _Okay._ " Trevor agreed with a smile, leaning over and opening the drawer. He grabbed a condom and the vibrating cock ring. Slowly, he lowered his legs and bent them out straight on the bed so Olivia could scoot back and rid him of his underwear. She also stripped herself of the thong she had put on.

Trevor quickly rolled the condom down his penis and slipped the cock ring on. It was a round, red device that had a thin, long cord attached to a tiny remote with buttons to control the vibration intensity and the different vibration rhythms.

Olivia climbed back on top of him once everything was all set and she slowly lowered herself onto him.

He hissed with pleasure.

" _Fuck, you feel so good every damn time._ " Trevor whispered heavily.

Olivia smiled at him as she reached for the remote and pressed the first button, then quickly threw the remote back down on the bed beside them, clearly expecting to begin riding him but instead she gasped at the sensations she felt beneath her.

" _O-oh!_ " She said as hurriedly reached for the remote, pushing the 'off' button as she smiled and bit her bottom lip again.

" _D-did you almost… just…?_ " Trevor tried to get out his sentence but she collapsed into a fit of laughter and leaned down onto his chest.

He began to laugh with her and shook his head lightly as his right arms wrapped around her back to caress her muscles with his hand.

" _We need to use this more often…_ " He hummed in her ear as he slowly rocked his hips into her, pushing his cock further into her body. If she'd almost lost control and nearly had an orgasm with that little usage of the device, they could have tons of fun with it.

Olivia let out another laugh into his chest as she kissed his skin.

" _Ride me, Liv._ " He requested lightly as he pushed his hips up again but held her close to him so she stayed down, hugging his chest.

Her hips began to rock back and forth. Trevor couldn't see her face but he knew her eyes were probably closed. She was making small grunts and moans. Slowly, he reached for the remote with his left hand and mashed one of the buttons, turning it on.

" _UGHHHH!_ " Olivia nearly squeaked as the toy began to rapidly vibrate her clit. Her hips sped up quickly. Her orgasm had been triggered and all she could do now was ride it out in waves.

" _Oh god! Oh Fuck!_ " She painted as her eyes slammed shut and her legs begin to shake. " _Shit Trevor! Ahhh!_ " She nearly yelled as she managed to get through her orgasm without passing out.

She laid on his chest for several minutes afterwards just catching her breath and letting her heart rate return to normal. As soon as he'd sensed she was done with her orgasm, he'd pushed the button on the device to shut it down, knowing she'd be sensitive.

Finally, Olivia leaned up and came face-to-face with him. Dipping down, she kissed him long and hard before leaning up again. Her back had small beads of sweat on it and so did her forehead and her upper lip.

" _I wasn't ready to do that yet…_ " She said, giving him a small and almost shy smile. " _There were still some…. things… I wanted to do before I reached the finish line…_ " Olivia told him, although she wasn't mad about what he'd done. In fact, she'd be mad if he didn't do it again some time. She liked him being in control and being able to trigger her orgasms.

" _I'm sorry…_ " He said with a small grin. " _Were you under the impression that you'd only be getting off once?_ " Trevor asked, foregoing a fake, questioning look.

Olivia let out a small giggle as he gently pushed her on over to roll her on her back so he could be on top.

They were going to have fun this afternoon. She looked over and eyed the nightstand, and they wouldn't forget about the grapes either.

…

Later on, Olivia was wrapped up in Trevor's arms. They were basking in the afterglow of their intimacy. She loved these moments with him where they'd have pillow talk and be open and honest. It's not something that she could do with Elliot very often. In fact, she only remembered being able to do this with him a couple of times and it was during their day and a half stent together when he'd come over after he'd had a fight with Dicky and Kathy.

Olivia nearly hated herself for allowing him in her bed during that time but she'd given him a pass for that day and it'd been one of the best days she'd ever spent with him. They talked about feelings and personal things. He'd brought her to an orgasm so many ways that just thinking about it made her body tingle.

However, she was still conflicted about him.

" _What happened today?_ " Trevor asked as he hugged her closer.

She remained silent for a few minutes and he knew her well enough to understand that she needed time to digest everything. She would speak when she was ready, and after several minutes, she finally did.

" _I went to the nursery to put the baby's… Riley's gift's in her crib. That's where the gift pile was and I just… I was alone in the room and a lot of emotions hit me._ " Olivia tried to explain as she played with the light hair on Trevor's chest with her left hand.

She could feel him nod against her, softly telling her that he was listening and to continue.

" _Kathy came in and saw me. I was a mess and then I was an even bigger mess because she was there all beautiful and pregnant in her glory…_ " Olivia whispered a bit more harshly than she should have.

Trevor rubbed at her naked shoulder and she shifted to pull the covers closer around them as if it was a security blanket for her.

After another bout of silence fell upon them, it was his turn to speak up.

" _Olivia?_ " He asked softly.

From the way his body moved, she could tell he was trying to glance down at her, so she backed up, looking at him in question.

" _You would tell me if I ever got you pregnant?_ " Trevor asked quietly, only it didn't sound like a question, it was more of a statement as if he was trying to reassure himself rather than asked her.

Olivia swallowed hard, clearly not prepared. She looked around for a moment and finally located his large shirt on the floor beside the bed. After leaning over to grab it and put it on, she backed away from him slightly.

His face was passive and he was calm.

" _You don't trust me?_ " She whispered more calmly than both of them even thought possible while looking him dead in the eyes.

" _I do… I'm just scared and…._ " Trevor huffed, looked up at the wall to avoid her gaze, still trying to figure out if he'd made a mistake or not. " _I'm sorry…_ " He whispered, closing his eyes and running his hand down his face.

Olivia got on her knees and scooted closer to where he was laying so she could place a hand on his chest for comfort. She'd told him briefly before how it'd happened, how she'd miscarried and all.

" _Hey…_ " She called to him quietly to get his attention.

He looked at her and she could've sworn it was the saddest look she'd ever seen him have.

" _What I did to Elliot and with Elliot was wrong._ " Olivia admitted. " _The affair was wrong, keeping the miscarriage a secret from him was wrong._ " She said, looking at Trevor with sad eyes. " _But… I think it was different because I didn't even know I was pregnant. I never knew I was pregnant until I wasn't anymore._ " She reminded him gently. " _If I had…_ " Olivia took a deep breath, as she closed her eyes she felt Trevor run his hand over the top of her thigh.

" _I shouldn't have brought this up._ " He commented regretfully.

" _If I had continued to be pregnant and had just been knocked up by my partner, I would have told him._ " She said honestly, looking at him. " _I would have told him I was carrying his child and that he needed to figure out what was going on with Kathy and his kids because he was about to get another one._ "

Trevor took a deep breath and nodded. It was hard to picture Olivia Benson pregnant with anyone's baby. Her having a swollen belly and waddling around, just the image in his mind almost made him laugh. And God the hormones. If she was this feisty now, he couldn't imagine what Olivia Benson would be like with pregnancy hormones and mood swings.

" _It was different because I had to process the loss of a child and I wasn't even at SVU. I wasn't around him, I didn't see him every day when it happened so that made it easier. I had to process it myself first, then he was going through the divorce, I didn't want to tell him because I was worried it'd be the thing that made him decide to divorce her…._ " Olivia said, bringing Trevor out of his thoughts as she shrugged her shoulders and rubbed at his chest.

" _Then he knocked Kathy up again…_ " She said, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. " _They got back together and he had his perfect little family again. I didn't want to ruin his life any more than I already had…_." Olivia whispered with slightly watery eyes.

" _You haven't ruined any part of his life, Liv._ " Trevor told her strongly as he gently pushed her hair back from her shoulder.

She huffed.

" _Yeah, I have._ " Olivia disagreed. " _And I'm going to do exactly as I've been planning to and tell him about it after Riley is born._ " She said, finally getting the hang of calling the baby by her name. " _But I'd tell you, Trevor._ " She promised, grabbing both of his hands in her and squeezing them. " _I'd tell you, I swear. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice._ " Olivia vowed.

" _I know…_ " He whispered as he pulled her down to his chest and hugged her tightly. " _I should have never brought it up._ " Trevor whispered more to himself than to her.

….

Over the course of the next few days, Olivia had to investigate a wine company called Luscious Grape. The victim, Ellen, was found dead at the company with anal tearing.

Olivia almost dreaded working a case with Elliot. She wished she'd taken some more time off. Cragen was more lenient with her now that she was a mother and it helped that she'd racked up a ton of sick days and vacations days over the course of the years that she'd been working for the NYPD.

" _You doing okay?_ " Elliot asked as he had sat down at his desk the next morning. He'd dropped Calvin off at Olivia's place the previous night and even escorted the kid up to the apartment but when they arrived, Trevor had informed him that Olivia hadn't felt well and was in bed.

" _Yeah… just didn't feel good is all._ " She replied without looking at him.

Usually she'd arrive around the time that he did because she had to make sure Calvin got up and went off to school but Trevor had stayed over and offered to do so in order for her to come in early.

" _You sure?_ " He questioned.

" _Yeah._ " She replied, still writing on her paperwork. Olivia was actually doing work but she was also trying to avoid his twenty-question game.

" _Kathy loved the baby gifts._ " He said, seeing if a subject change would help her mood.

" _That's good._ " She mumbled, flipping the page and focusing on the back now.

" _I'm glad you're feeling better._ " Elliot commented, eyeing her and wondering if she was even paying attention to him anymore.

" _Yeah._ " Olivia commented silently as she stared at her paper.

" _That hickey on your neck looks real nice too._ " He said, testing his partner.

" _Yeah, thanks…_." She mumbled and within a matter of three seconds she was reacting. " _Wait, what?_ " Olivia asked quickly as she sat up and cupped the right side of her neck with her right hand where Trevor had spent most of his time licking and nipping at her body.

Elliot began to laugh. He'd been joking, there was nothing on her neck.

" _Don't be an ass._ " She warned as soon as she realized she'd been played.

He shook his head. " _Did you really skip the baby shower to have some alone time with Trevor?_ " Elliot asked lightly with a smile on his face. He apparently thought it was funny.

" _No._ " Olivia told him firmly. It wasn't a lie. " _I wasn't feeling well so I went home._ " She explained.

" _And his dick made you feel better?_ " He teased her, sitting back in his rolling chair.

Olivia began to come back with a smartass remark but Cragen came out of his office and told them they'd caught a case. So, off they went to investigate the murder and possible sexual assault of Ellen.

Turns out the boss was a major bitch and the women even ended up committing suicide before the case was even over due to videos that had been posted to the internet showing just how cruel, horrible, and abusive she really was. Right before she died, she even tried to blame the people around her for her suicide, yelling at them that it was their fault and they were killing her.

Of course, Olivia and Elliot ended up witnessing the murder. They had to stay and give statements.

As sad as Olivia tried to feel, she could help but be relieved that no one else would be hurt, traumatized, physically abused by the woman. Even in her own death, the woman had tried to do something that would continue to hurt and damage the people she worked with from beyond her grave.

The days ticked by and even though Olivia wasn't sure what Kathy's exact due date was, she knew it was getting closer and closer.

For some reason, she was experiencing anxiety about the arrival of Riley. Maybe she was worried that when Elliot saw the beautiful new born baby, he'd fall back in love with Kathy and they wouldn't go through with the divorce after all. Olivia was half-way sure he'd never want to be with her after she told him about their miscarriage anyways. Or maybe she was just having general anxiety because this was something that she'd always wanted but never got to experience and here the man that she loved was getting to experience it for a sixth time.

….

" _I don't want to do this…_ " Olivia complained as she walked into the squad room that was mostly empty now since the work day was winding down. She had been expecting to find Fin waiting for her.

Her heels had clicked on the floor announcing her arrival before she'd even spoken.

" _Wow…. The dress could be longer though._ " Calvin said with a little too much judgement and she narrowed her eyes at him.

" _Can't say that I disagree…_ " Trevor agreed, shrugging at her from where he and Calvin had decided to sit on top of her desk in anticipation of her undercover outfit.

" _Why aren't you already at the apartment?_ " She said lowly to both of them in an annoyed manner.

" _The top could be a little more covered up too…_ " Calvin said in a quieter voice, clearly uncomfortable with the way his adoptive mom was dressed and about to go out in public.

" _I still don't disagree…_ " Trevor added, giving Olivia a thoughtful look before completely looking her up and down. He couldn't deny that he wanted her to wear it in the bedroom though. And he would for sure request her black heels to be worn at a later date when they were in private. He hadn't even known she owned the shoes but he was aware that she'd just bought the dress with money from the department in order to look her role.

" _Trevor-_ " Olivia threatened but before she could say more, she was cut off.

" _Damn, baby girl!_ " Fin said as he came around the corner, catching a glimpse of her. " _Leopard looks good on you!_ "

She was stunning. Her hair was slightly curled and her make-up was heavier than usual. She'd borrowed some nice, real diamond jewelry from Melinda in order to look rich and as if she had money to burn. Not that she didn't have any real diamonds at home, but Melinda's salary was sizably bigger than a detective's and Melinda had the good stuff.

" _Swear jar!_ " Both Trevor and Calvin yelled lightly towards Fin.

It was something that Calvin had helped come up with when it'd come to all of their attention that while Olivia had a "no swearing" rule for Calvin, she tended to cuss a lot more than she paid attention to.

Fin dug a dollar bill out of his pocked and walked towards Olivia, eyeing her chest as if he was going to try and stuff the dollar in her cleavage in what she assumed would be a very bad stripper joke that would not go over well in his favor.

" _Don't you dare._ " She told him with her hands on her hips.

Trevor couldn't suppress a laugh and neither could Fin. The detective bypassed her and made his way over to Calvin, handing him the dollar and getting a grinning " _thanks_ " in return.

They'd all decided that since Calvin was the one who wasn't swearing at all, the money went to him. It was a way to make sure he did something good and kept up a small allowance, which didn't necessarily have to be paid by Olivia.

So far, the one exception to the swear jar was Cragen and of course when Calvin wasn't around, it didn't count.

" _Wow._ " Olivia heard from behind her. She didn't need to turn around to know that Elliot was probably staring at her ass from the hallway but she turned around anyways.

" _Calvin wants to see your undercover outfit too._ " She told him quickly, letting him know the young teen was in the room so her partner needed to behave himself.

Elliot understood right away and continued until he passed her and made his way to Calvin.

" _Wow. Nice suit, Elliot._ "

" _Thanks, man_ "

" _Okay, enough of the show._ " Olivia said as she walked over to the group.

" _Why isn't Uncle Fin wearing anything nice?_ " Calvin asked, causing Elliot and Trevor to snort in laughter while Olivia tried to hide her giggles from Fin.

" _Boy…._ " He started. " _This outfit probably costs more than what they got on. This is designer._ " Fin explained, popping out his collar. He usually toned it down during work hours but he was in a full track suit with some expensive brand shoes, shades, and a snapback. " _These shoes cost more than your mom's… and they look better too!_ " Fin said, not being able to catch himself before he'd called Olivia Calvin's mom.

She'd heard it and so had Elliot and Trevor. They all remained silent, not knowing if they should address it or ignore it.

" _Can you get me a hat like that?_ " Calvin asked. If he'd heard it, he wasn't letting it show.

" _Yeah…_." Fin said automatically. He was glad to have not been called out. " _You know what, I'll just take you shopping. You need some stylish stuff anyways…_."

Elliot and Trevor both made a move to disagree and Olivia just put her hands on her hips again and stared at the ceiling, shaking her head. She swore she worked with children half the time.

" _Nuh-uh._ " Fin cut the other two men off. " _He doesn't need none of those choir boy vests…_ " He said, pointing towards Elliot. " _Or any of that formal, uptight, proper shit._ " Fin explained as he pointed to Trevor and dug out another bill from his pocket to hand Calvin in the midst of swearing again.

" _Fin, that's a ten!_ " Olivia exclaimed as Fin began to walk towards the exit. She knew he was most likely over compensating for the 'mom' slip but he just shrugged.

" _So, it just means I have a few freebies coming up. Remember that._ " He said, pointing at Calvin as he headed down the hall towards the elevators.

Calvin stared at the ten-dollar bill in his hand.

" _So, is Fin playing the gangster tonight?_ " He asked. The boy already knew Olivia and Elliot were assigned to go to a club and they'd be out possibly all night so he was going to stay with Trevor at his apartment.

Trevor laughed.

" _No, Fin is always a gangster. He's just dressed so laid back because he only has to stay in the van._ " Elliot explained only half-joking.

" _He's staying in the car?_ "

" _Yeah, Olivia and I are going to be wearing these little ear pieces._ " Elliot said, holding them down for Calvin to see. " _And they have super small microphones on them so Fin can hear us. He'll be able to hear what we're doing and who's talking to us so maybe we can identify the bad guy._ "

" _Oh…_." Calvin said, staying silent for a minute to think it over. " _That's really cool._ " He finally decided.

" _Come on…_ " Olivia had had enough of the banter. " _You need to get to Trevor's place so you can do your homework and eat._ " She said with a small smile, giving him a hug and kiss on top of the head as he jumped down from the desk.

" _Why don't you head on down and keep Fin company? I'll be there in a sec._ " Trevor told him. Calvin happily did as he was told once Trevor threw the boy his car keys.

He waited until Calvin had been gone for several seconds before he stepped closer to Olivia.

" _Be careful tonight._ " Trevor told her lightly.

" _Aren't I always?_ " She replied, stepping closer to him. He was the perfect height for her.

" _Don't do anything I wouldn't do…_ " He whispered.

" _Like fuck a hot brunette in the bathroom?_ " She whispered back, playing his game.

Elliot took this as his opportunity to excuse himself to the bathroom once more. He didn't need to go again, he just needed to get out of there. But he couldn't stop himself from leaning in the shadows of the hallway and listening to the couple continue to speak.

" _You're such a tease…_ " He whispered seductively as his lips ghosted hers.

" _Yeah…_ " She nodded. " _Tonight I am._ " She said as she met his lips with a kiss.

It didn't last long. She was a bit uncomfortable because she was worried Elliot would come back into the room and find them having ended up in a full on make out session.

" _I don't like it when you go undercover…._ " He told her with seriousness. Trevor had never liked it but he really didn't like it especially since he knew she'd been assaulted undercover.

" _I'll be okay…. He has my back…_ " Olivia promised him.

" _He didn't when you were in Sealview._ " Trevor said quietly, glancing towards the back hallway to make sure Elliot wasn't coming back yet.

" _Don't do that._ " She whispered. " _That was different. I was in prison. Tonight, I'm just going to a swinger's club._ " Olivia said rubbing at his arm. " _I don't want you to think about Sealview._ "

" _Will you call me or send me a text when it's over?_ " He asked.

" _Of course._ " She said, leaning up to kiss him once more.

They said their goodbyes and she headed to the elevator while Trevor went to use the restroom before leaving to head home. His apartment, the one that he actually lived in, was across the city and with traffic, it'd probably take a good minute to get there.

When he entered the bathroom, he found Elliot leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed.

" _Man, you okay?_ " Trevor asked, slightly worried.

" _She told you about Seaview…._ " Elliot said in a low voice, looking up at Trevor.

The attorney rubbed his lips together, wondering how much she'd actually told Elliot. He didn't want to break her trust and tell her partner something that she hadn't, but at the same time she wanted to be honest.

" _I didn't mean what I said… about you not having her back._ " Trevor said honestly, decided to go with what Elliot probably had heard.

" _No, it's fine… you're not wrong._ " The detective shrugged, trying his best not to get angry.

" _I mean that, Elliot… I was just trying to remind her that… it's dangerous and she need to rely on her instincts. If you had been with her at Sealview, I have no doubt you would have done everything you could. I know you did everything that you could from the outside…_." Trevor tried to explain.

Elliot just shook his head.

" _She told you what happened at Sealview?_ " He asked again and the attorney weighed his options.

" _No…_ " He said, shaking his head. " _She told me something happened, an assault. That's all I can get out of her…._ "

Elliot studied him, searching his face, looking for any indicator of a lie.

" _Look, just watch her back tonight. I know she has some PTSD from Sealview. And if I know it, then I know you surely know it because she's closer to you than anyone else in this world._ " Trevor finally said. It was true to an extent. She was probably closer to Trevor now but he wasn't sure.

" _And treat her right…. Please._ " Trevor added.

Elliot gave him a questioning look, almost threatening.

" _I don't mean at the club, I mean in general…_." The attorney said in a huff. " _I know it's weird. All of this is weird. Me and her, you and Kathy and the baby… it's all intertwined and messed up but she…. Olivia doesn't deserve to be strung along. If you're going to stay with Kathy and help raise the baby, tell her. She deserves that because she has fought so much in her life and now… now, she's fighting for you…_."

Something in Trevor's voice sounded serious. It was sincere and full of love and care. It actually worried Elliot a little.

" _Do you love her?_ " The words were out of Elliot's mouth before he even knew what he was saying.

" _Do you?_ " Trevor shot back instantly.

" _I asked first._ " Elliot said, standing his ground.

Trevor swallowed hard. He'd only wanted to go to the bathroom for crying out loud.

Everything was crazy and screwed up. Relationships were real and fake, there was a baby on the way that was either going to bring a family together or just be a massive annoyance to her siblings and cause her mother to go insane for having a baby at almost fifty.

And the only safe things Olivia truly had in her life were Calvin and her job.

" _Put it this way…_ " Trevor said with seriousness. " _If you don't marry her, I will._ "

Elliot had expected just about every answer in the book but this one. He thought Trevor knew what was going on between him and Olivia, that he loved Olivia. And Trevor did know this. The detective knew something had been up with her for the past couple of weeks ever since the baby shower slash party had taken place but now he was wondering if it was something to do with him.

And then a chilling thought hit him. What if Olivia wasn't on board anymore? What if she'd been distant with him because she didn't want him anymore? Had she given up on them because he had agreed to be the father of Riley? Surely not.

" _Does Olivia know?_ " Elliot asked in to the eerie silence of the bathroom, inquiring if Olivia knew just how deep Trevor's feelings ran for her.

" _No…_ " Trevor replied as he grabbed the handle to leave the room. " _I'm not the one she's in love with…_ " He said as he glanced at Elliot, then made his way out the door.

 **It's shorter than normal but summer classes are killing me.**


	28. Chapter 28

**Sorry for any grammar errors. I kind of rushed through this chapter just to get it out. Thanks for still reading.**

" _It's gon work out, baby girl…. It will._ " Fin told her as he gently rubbed at her shoulder. He'd been the one that Calvin text when Trevor had left the apartment teary-eyed and Olivia had been nearly full-blown crying.

" _I feel so bad for acting this way in front of Calvin…_ " Olivia told him in a watery voice.

She was cuddled up in her large bed, half under the covers half out and wearing her sweats. Her face was still a little red and puffy. The messy pony tail on her head was lopsided and crooked.

Fin sat with his back against the headboard with Olivia laying down to his right. He was on top of the covers but it didn't much matter since most of them were bunched around Olivia's body, tangled and twisted.

" _It's okay. From what I hear, you and Trevor handled everything calmly. There was no yelling or hitting. It was a healthy…. Break-up._ " Fin told her. " _Cal wasn't scared, he was just worried. It's a good thing. You want him to reach out to someone when he's feeling like this. Liv, it's that therapy working, it's a good thing._ "

She sniffled and buried her face into Fin's thigh.

Trevor hadn't had a chance to say anything to Calvin before leaving because he hadn't seen the boy come out of his room as Trevor was leaving. It was only after he'd left and Olivia stood there with tears running down her face did she realize that Calvin had been standing in the small hallway between his room and the guest room, watching everything unfold.

Olivia tried quickly to wipe her face but she knew it was no good because the boy had already seen her tears and there was no mistaking the fact that her face was probably red and blotchy by now.

" _Everything's okay_." She spoke as calmly as possible, holding up her hands.

" _What's wrong? You're crying…_ " Calvin had told her hesitantly.

She gave him a small smile. He was worried about her and wanted to make sure she was okay.

" _I'm fine…. Trevor and I… we broke up._ " She said quietly, tucking her hair behind her ear. " _And it makes me a little sad…_ "

He swallowed hard.

" _What happened?_ " Calvin spoke softly. It didn't go unnoticed that he was still lurking in the small hallway and hadn't made his way over to Olivia. Out of respect for him, she didn't try to approach him just yet. She wasn't sure if she was triggering something and she was trying to assess his feelings.

Olivia wiped her face off again and took a deep breath.

" _Honestly? I don't want to talk about it right now, sweetheart…._ " She told him. It was the truth. She didn't really want to discuss it with anyone. She just wanted to go to her room and cry for the rest of the night while eating ice cream and watching Lifetime.

" _O-okay…_ " He agreed hesitantly, almost as if he didn't want to go against her wishes.

" _I don't want you to worry about me… break-ups are hard and sad and… they take time to process and go through. I just… I have to cry it out to get through it._ " Olivia promised him. Truth was, she was really just crying for herself. She was sad about how her love life was turning out but she tried not to be ungrateful because she had Calvin and that was a win in itself.

Calvin then glanced at the door. He looked alert and almost scared. That's when she realized that this break-up probably came out of nowhere for him. He had no idea about everything going on between her, Trevor, and Elliot.

" _He'll be back._ " Olivia said quickly as she decided to approach Calvin cautiously. " _I promise, he'll be back. Trevor is still going to be in our lives. He's still going to take you camping and play the Xbox with you. Honey, he's not leaving you. He'll still be in your life, I swear._ " She did her best to make him see that Trevor deeply cared for him and would never leave him.

" _He can't…_ " Calvin said with a shoulder shrug. " _You won't be together anymore. He's not going to be here and you're gonna hate each other…_ " The boy seemed sad.

" _No._ " Olivia said firmly as she bent down to look him in the eye. " _That isn't what always happens during break-ups. People can be friends after they break-up. They can still get along and… and be friends. Maybe they're better friends than they are boyfriend and girlfriend._ " She told him. " _Honey, don't let your mom's past relationships be what you think relationships should be. There's no particular mold that any relationship fits, every relationship is different and break-ups are different._ "

Calvin just stared at her. He was at a loss for words and he was probably in shock.

" _Okay?_ " Olivia asked gently, holding onto one of his shoulders.

Calvin nodded but she could tell it was going to take a while for this information to sink in. She glanced back at the television in the living room behind her, trying to think of what could get his mind off the break-up. This wasn't for him to go through, it was for her. Everything would be fine. She and Trevor knew how to be proper and adult-like around Calvin.

Olivia wished more than anything that he would have stayed in his room so Trevor could have left quietly and she could have been able to go to bed and cry on her own without alerting him that something was wrong. Then she would have been able to break the news to Calvin like she'd wanted to instead of him finding her a crying mess in the living room watching Trevor leave.

" _Tell you what… my purse is on the coffee table. Get my wallet out and use the visa to buy that game you've been talking about._ " She told him with a small smile as she straightened back up.

Calvin's face changed to a confused look.

" _Resident Evil 7? The one you told me I probably couldn't play because there was cussing and scary stuff and dead naked people?_ " He asked.

Olivia half rolled her eyes. " _Yes._ " She replied.

" _But you said it'd be bad because there were dead bodies and they looked realistic and it's after ten and-_ "

" _Cal, you better go buy it before I change my mind…_ " She said, cutting him off and giving him a knowing look.

He started to walk around her and head towards the couch but stopped short and turned around.

" _You are okay, right?_ " He asked hesitantly in a small voice but it just made her tear up all over again.

" _I'm fine, sweetheart._ " She said teary-eyed as she leaned down to give him a hug. " _I'm gonna get some of that chocolate ice cream out of the freezer and go lay in bed to eat it while watching TV because that's what girls do when they go through a break-up…_ " She said, trying to lighten the mood and giving him a small smile.

Little did she know, as soon as she'd headed down the hallways with ice cream and spoon in tow, Calvin had text his Uncle Fin because he'd been worried about Olivia.

Fin had arrived at the apartment thirty minutes later, gotten a brief recap from Calvin and told the boy to go to bed at 11:30. Then, Fin headed to Olivia's bedroom where she told him everything that had happened. He already knew a good bit but she filled in the blank spaces for him.

…

 **FLASHBACK**

" _I'm Elliot. This is my wife, Olivia._ " Elliot had introduced them to the hostess of the Swing Set. His sentence alone made Olivia's skin get goosebumps. They'd went undercover as a couple before but Elliot had never used their true names and introduced them as a married couple like that.

It made her stomach have butterflies. What if everything did workout in the end? What if he did actually forgive her for lying about the miscarriage and divorce Kathy? Honestly, it made her nervous. Things always went wrong in her life that she didn't know what to do when they finally went right.

" _You two make a beautiful couple!_ " The hostess told them.

After asking who invited them, since the club was invite-only, Elliot told her about Jerry, their victim whom they were pretending to be friends with for the sake of their undercover operation.

" _Great!_ " The hostess replied. " _Sometimes, our newbies like to just walk around and explore on their first time here._ " She said, and then began to walk, signaling for them to follow her. " _This is the community room here with the bar. It's where couples meet, chit-chat, and hang out. No cloths coming off in this room, please. If things get heated, we have a large room in the back where our frisky couples can explore with others, clothes or no clothes, and we have individual private rooms that are smaller for those who wish to explore with another couple away from on-lookers._ " The hostess explained the layout of the club.

" _The bathrooms are that way,_ " She said, pointing to the right. " _We have men's, women's, and unisex. Exploration isn't forbidden in the bathrooms, so don't be surprised if you walk in and some interesting things are happening…_ " The hostess said with a smile and a wink.

Olivia faked a smile, as did Elliot. Neither one had been expecting this club to be so open to sex. The website made it sound like it was a swinger's club to meet people for possible hook ups in their personal lives, not that they'd be getting down and dirty right here.

After the hostess released them to explore the club, they walked around arm-in-arm, staying in the community room.

" _We're going to have to blend in, El._ " Olivia said to him in a hushed voice.

" _You ain't gotta do anything you don't wanna do, baby girl._ " Fin's voice entered both of their ears via the small device they were using.

Olivia turned to Elliot as they sat down on an empty couch together. She smiled at him as if she were talking to him.

" _Fin, you don't understand… the other new couples here have already started exploring. They know we wouldn't have come unless we were interested in this lifestyle… we're gonna have to play around or we'll blow our cover. The bouncer has been watching us._ " And with that, she grabbed Elliot by the collar and leaned in, locking her lips with his as she ran her right hand up the back of his head.

" _Only do what you're comfortable with, Liv._ " Fin told her.

" _He's right._ " Elliot said. " _If you're uncomfortable, we can leave._ "

Olivia shook her head quickly.

" _I'm fine._ " She said as she began to kiss Elliot's neck. " _But Fin, you might not want to listen in. If we get something useful, Elliot and I can go through the footage and trim it down before we turn it in if need be._ " She explained before continuing her kisses on Elliot's neck.

" _Oh hell no._ " Fin said into both of their ear pieces. " _You know I gotta listen in to make sure no shit goes down and y'all don't need back up…_." Then he huffed in annoyance. " _I swear to God, Olivia Benson do not fuck anyone in that club, do you hear me?_ " He said, sounding like an overprotective father or brother.

Olivia laughed at his distress.

" _Yes sir._ " She answered, but still continued to kiss on Elliot's neck as he rubbed at her side. She couldn't deny that this was putting her in the mood and she was hopeful. Trevor had Calvin staying at his apartment tonight and she was planning on taking Elliot back to hers.

" _Hey, heads up, I think Cassandra just got here…_ " Her partner said as he tapped her side lightly.

Olivia looked up to see a woman in high heels entering the club. She had dark hair and bright red lipstick that was on lips that were obviously done by a plastic surgeon and too big in Olivia's opinion. Her breasts seemed average and she had a small ass. The way people had been talking about her, Olivia had been picturing some kind of mixture between Pamela Anderson and a Goddess.

" _Really? That's her?_ " She asked, turning back to Elliot with a cocked eyebrow.

He began to laugh.

" _Geeze Liv, don't be too harsh on her…_ "

Olivia shrugged. " _Jerry has really odd tastes…_ " She commented under her breath.

They both watched as the hostess informed Cassandra of their arrival. She gave them a smile as she headed their way.

" _Elliot, Olivia, glad you could make it. Jerry's told me so much about you._ " The woman said as she held her hand out for Elliot to kiss, and he did as he was expected.

Of course, Cassandra was lying. Jerry had told her nothing about them since Jerry didn't actually know them. The woman was good at telling a lie, making her a possible suspect, amongst other things.

She sat with them and talked for a few minutes before they were approached by a younger blonde who seemed overly fascinated with Olivia's cleavage. Olivia had to play along, being flirtatious with the woman who she learned was named Cameron.

" _Why don't you get to know Cameron a little better… and Elliot and I will go to one of the private rooms so we can get to know each other better too…_ " Cassandra said to Olivia. The woman was already up and out of her seat, dragging Elliot by his hand to the back hallway of the club.

Olivia looked at him with wide eyes. 'I'll be fine' he mouthed to her and tapped his ear, reminding her that she had Fin if she needed anything.

She nodded in return but it wasn't being alone with Cameron that she was worried about. Olivia was worried about Elliot and him being alone with Cassandra. What if Cassandra didn't know how to take 'no' for an answer? What if she tried to hurt him. What if Elliot didn't say 'no' and said 'yes' instead, and fucked her?

Cameron pulled Olivia from her thoughts by tucking a strand of Olivia's hair behind her ear.

" _You really are beautiful…_ " Cameron told her. Olivia slightly blushed.

" _Thank you. You're very pretty as well._ " Olivia replied.

Cameron was very beautiful. She had blonde hair, though Olivia was pretty sure it wasn't natural. The woman clearly had breast implants but not too big, just big enough. The only way Olivia could tell they were fake was because they were too perfect. She was tan and slim. The only think that bothered Olivia was her age range.

" _You look very worried about your… husband. He'll be fine with Cassandra. She's harmless._ " Cameron promised the detective. " _Would you like to go to one of the private rooms as well?_ " she asked.

" _Sure._ " Olivia replied softly with a small smile. She truly wanted to be in the room because she was hoping they'd get in a room next to Elliot and Cassandra.

To her disappointment, there was only one room open and there was no way to tell if Elliot was nearby. Olivia would have to try and identify sounds to see if she heard his voice.

" _He's alright, baby girl._ " She heard Fin in her ear piece. " _He's in a room with Cassandra and he can hold his own. Don't worry._ " Sometimes she hated how well Fin knew her… " _If you need anything, you know what to say._ " He told her, reminding her of their code word for if she was in distress and needed back up.

" _How are you liking your first night here?_ " Cameron asked Olivia, unaware that someone else had been talking to her in her ear.

" _I think… this lifestyle is an acquired taste…_ " Olivia told the younger woman. " _I'm not sure I'm comfortable sharing my husband like this. We came here and agreed we'd stay together the whole time and Cassandra has dragged him off to a private room. I'm not going to lie, I don't like it…_ " She said honestly.

They'd sat down on the dark blue couch. Olivia had to say the room was much cleaner than she anticipated, especially if what the majority of people in these rooms did was have sex. But then again, this was a very high scale club.

" _Who are you here with?_ " Olivia asked curiously. The club only accepted couples, so she had to be here with someone.

" _My boyfriend. He's in the open private room in the back where there are just groups of people fucking. That's not really my scene but he likes it so to each their own._ " Cameron explained.

Olivia nodded in understanding.

Cameron had already put her hand on Olivia's shoulder.

" _I would really like to kiss you. Is it okay if I kiss you?_ " She asked Olivia. The younger woman was so sweet and good looking that Olivia just nodded without thinking about it.

The blonde leaned forward and locked lips with Olivia. They kissed for several seconds before Olivia opened her mouth and let the blonde in. Their tongues swirled for what seemed like forever. Olivia barely noticed when Cameron shifted to straddle her hips.

" _Mmmm…_ " Olivia hummed as she pulled back.

There was no use in trying to hear people in the rooms surrounding them. Olivia had already figured out that the rooms were sound proof, probably for privacy.

" _Is this okay? Me sitting on top of you like this? If not, I'll move._ " Camron said, basically asked Olivia for consent.

The detective narrowed her eyes and tilted her head sideways. Not a lot of people would make sure their partner was okay with what was happening, especially here. They'd just go about trying to do things and if they got stopped, then they'd have to take 'no' for an answer or they'd get kicked out.

" _You're asking for my consent?_ " Olivia clarified.

" _Yes._ " Cameron replied. " _Consent is important. I don't want to do anything that you don't want me to do. So far, your body has said yes but I want to make sure your brain says yes too._ " She said.

This sent red flags off in Olivia's mind. Either this girl was a survivor of sexual trauma, or she was someone whose profession dealt with survivors.

" _What do you do for a living, Cameron?_ "

" _I'm a manager at a restaurant…_ " The blonde replied with a confused look.

Damn, she must be a survivor.

" _How old are you?_ " Olivia asked another question, keeping in mind that she was confusing the hell out of Cameron.

" _I'm twenty-three…_ " She replied, choosing to trust Olivia.

" _I'm in my mid-forties, Cameron. There's no way you're actually attracted to any of this…_ " Olivia say, using her hand to gesture at her own body.

Cameron looked to be about twenty-six or twenty-seven but her real age was a little too young for Olivia's liking but she was very mature for her age. If the detective had to guess, she'd say it was because of what she went through.

Cameron began to laugh, which baffled Olivia.

" _I'm sorry…_ " Cameron said. " _I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at the situation, I swear…_ " She tried to explain between laughter. At this moment, Olivia was particularly thankful that these rooms were sound proof.

" _I don't understand._ " Olivia told the girl, looking at her with concern.

" _I know who you are._ " Cameron said, giving Olivia a small smile. " _You're Olivia Benson. Sometimes, you're in the paper for helping victims of sexual assault. I've known who you were since I was a teenager and I always thought you were so beautiful and just… gorgeous. I looked up to you and I prayed every day that you would come and save me… I know it sounds a little childish…_ " She said, looking a bit embarrassed. " _But it was the only thing I had to hold on to._ "

" _Oh my god!_ " Olivia exclaimed in shock.

" _Cover's blown._ " She heard Fin say in her ear, signaling that he was about to pull them out.

" _No, Fin wait!_ " Olivia said, knowing full well that she was exposing her undercover operation to a complete stranger. She held up one finger to the girl to signal for her to hold on. " _Fin, we're in a sound proof room in the back. You stay on Elliot, I can sit in here with her for a while. Just let me know when Elliot's done._ "

" _Yes ma'am._ " Fin agreed in her ear.

Cameron shook her head.

" _I knew you had to be here doing something with the police. There was no way you'd hit up a club like this. And that guy is your partner, not your husband._ " She said. Although, little did Cameron know, Elliot was basically both.

Olivia closed her eyes tightly and took a breath, holding out her hands.

" _Just to clarify,_ " The detective said, " _You only know me from the media… I never helped you or took on your case?_ " She asked, trying to figure out if she'd been making out with someone that she formerly helped out, which was something she could get fired for.

" _No…_." Cameron said rather sadly. " _You never came. No one did._ "

Olivia swallowed hard.

" _Cameron, what happened to you?_ " The brunette asked in her victim voice. She quickly switched gears from Olivia the Swinger to Olivia Benson but the blonde shook her head.

" _I'm okay now. I went through therapy; my daughter is going to go to therapy too._ " She said.

" _You have a daughter?_ "

Cameron nodded.

" _From your assault?_ "

Cameron nodded again.

" _I'm so sorry, Cameron._ " Olivia told her, reaching out and hesitantly grabbing her hand. " _I'm even more sorry that no one came to help you. If I had known, I would have come._ "

" _I know that._ " The blonde said with a small smile. " _You really are a very beautiful woman and I like you a lot, but… please tell me if this case has anything to do with me or my step-father? I can't put my daughter through anything else._ "

" _No, no… it's nothing to do with you. And you are safe here._ " Olivia reassured her. " _We are just doing this on a whim. We don't even have any suspects or leads, I can promise you, it has absolutely nothing to do with you._ " The best part was that Olivia was telling the truth for the most part. They'd been able to get a guest list for the club on the night that Jerry was assaulted and no one named Cameron was on the list at all. Olivia felt confident that this woman was not involved.

" _Is your step-father the one who assaulted you? He your daughter's father?_ " Olivia asked gently, pushing the woman for more information.

" _He is, but I don't want to talk about it. He's dead now, my mother is dead. We don't have to worry about them hurting me or trying to hurt my daughter._ "

Olivia almost asked Cameron if she killed them but honestly, she didn't want to know. If they were dead and they did such terrible things to Cameron, then good riddance.

" _Can we just go back to kissing please? We don't have to do anything else… we don't even have to kiss, I can tell I've weirded you out… I just don't want to think about that…_ " Cameron said, giving Olivia a mix between a sad and ashamed look.

" _Hey,_ " Olivia said, tightening her hand around Cameron's. " _You didn't weird me out. I just… I don't know your triggers. I don't know where I should and shouldn't touch and I don't want to trigger you in any way._ " She said honestly. Cameron really was absolutely beautiful and if Olivia was into her before, then she needed to be into her now as well, otherwise she'd send the message that Cameron confiding in her about being assaulted was a turn off and Olivia never, ever wanted to send that message to anyone.

Slowly, Cameron slid back onto Olivia's lap putting her cleavage right in Olivia's face. She grabbed Olivia's hands and put one on her hip and one on her breast.

" _Anything above the waist is okay for now. Under the shirt or over the shirt, it is okay with me either way._ "

Olivia didn't see any conflict of interest since the girl wasn't in any of her cases. She just needed to tread lightly because of possible triggers. The age still bothered her though, and if this girl was as attracted to Olivia as she claimed to be, then it could be real fun.

" _Okay._ " Olivia agreed as she slowly leaned in to kiss her. It didn't take long for this kiss to become heated, just as the first one had.

Cameron gasped as she felt Olivia's hands fondle her breasts over her clothes

Then just as soon as it had started, it was over.

" _Liv, Elliot's done and waiting for you at the bar when you're ready._ "

Olivia let out a huff and leaned back, staring at Cameron.

" _Okay Fin, I'm on my way._ " She said while maintaining eye contact with the blonde. " _It's time for me to go…_ " Olivia told her. Cameron nodded and slid off of Olivia's lap.

" _Will you be back?_ " She looked hopeful. Olivia could help but feel turned on, she'd never been with someone who praised her work so much without actually knowing who she was as a person of detective.

" _It depends on what my partner has to say, but… honestly, I don't think so…_ "

Cameron nodded. " _I'll walk you out._ " She said.

They got up and made their way out of the private room and to the club main room where the bar was. Olivia spotted Elliot waiting on her. She could make heads or tails of the look on his face though.

" _It was very nice to meet you, Cameron._ " Olivia said as she turned around to tell the younger woman goodbye. " _I really did enjoy my time with you… and I need you to keep this undercover thing a secret…_ " She whispered, knowing that the young woman probably wouldn't tell a soul.

" _Of course._ " Cameron agreed immediately. Then reached over for the pen and paper that was kept on the bar for club members to use. " _This is my name and number. Feel free to call or text me…_ " She said, handing Olivia the paper.

Olivia tore off the bottom of the paper and grabbed the pen to write down her own number and gave it to Cameron.

" _That's my number, my personal cell number._ " The detective said. " _You can text me. I don't always answer calls because of the job so you'd be better off texting… If you need anything, personal or business…_ " Olivia said with a wink. She didn't need to clarify that personal meant for them to hook up or get to know each other better and that business meant if she ever needed anything in relation to her sexual assault.

They waved by and the hostess said goodbye as well as Elliot and Olivia left the club holding hands, just as they had when they'd entered.

…

" _So…_ " Elliot inquired as he drove towards Olivia's apartment, " _Did she give good lip service?_ " He asked joking around.

They'd turned in their equipment to Fin and he was in charge of getting the van and equipment back. Olivia had sent a quick text to Trevor letting him know everything went well. He'd reported back that Calvin was sound asleep and now that he knew she was alright, he was going to turn in too.

" _Don't talk about her like that, El._ " Olivia said rather seriously.

" _I was only joking…_ " He replied, wondering what was up with her.

Olivia exhaled and propped her head against her right hand. It'd been one hell of a night and to make things worse, she was actually still turned on but she wasn't sure if she wanted Elliot to come up to her apartment after all.

" _She's a survivor…_ " She whispered, glancing at him. " _And she knew who I was, what we do for a living._ "

" _Fin never told me our cover was blown…_ " Elliot said, becoming worried as he tried to glance back and forth between the road and Olivia.

" _I told him not to… she didn't mean any harm. She… had a thing for me and had been assaulted as a teenager I think… I just kept her busy until you were done fucking information out of Cassandra…_." Olivia said with more venom in her voice than she intended.

Elliot turned his head and looked directly at her as they stopped at a red light.

" _I didn't fuck Cassandra._ " He told her in all seriousness. " _The only woman I'm interested in fucking, and have been for a long time, is you, Olivia._ "

His tone sent chills down her spine. She almost wished they could role play as husband and wife for the rest of the night. She already knew his love for her was strong, even though she questioned it at times.

Sometimes, all Elliot had to do was look at her and she could feel his love for her because it was so strong.

He showed his love by the way he brought her coffee every morning.

He showed it by the way he kissed her when they'd sneak away from work to have a moment alone.

He showed it by helping her with Calvin when Trevor couldn't.

And he showed it when he had her pushed up against her living room wall as she sat on his shoulders and his tongue slowly, teasingly entered her body, lapping at the most private area.

" _Jesus, fuck…_ " She moaned as Elliot sucked on her clit.

Her hand was on the back of his head, massaging his scalp as we worked between her legs, coaxing out her orgasm that had been building all night.

Olivia was completely nude. The dress had come off as soon as she'd walked in the door.

Her hips were bucking into his face and her hair was messy now.

" _Oh god, I'm gonna cum, El…_." She moaned, causing him to speed up his pace. It didn't take but a few more seconds until she was falling over the edge. " _Shit, FUCK!_ " Olivia said loudly as the waves of her orgasm washed over her.

Afterwards, she slid to the ground slowly in front of him. Upon catching her breath, she began to kiss him. Olivia felt dizzy, she loved him so much and she rarely got these moments with him that when they finally did hook up, she almost felt high. She could only hope that the divorce papers would come within the following months.

Olivia got up and wobbled to the couch, taking him with her. As he sat down, she sank to her knees and worked on taking his pants off.

She wanted to taste him tonight, she needed him in her mouth.

He'd learned his lesson about asking if she was sure. She was in charge and if she didn't want to, she wouldn't have offered.

Olivia made a sound of relief when she put Elliot's dick in her mouth. She could honestly say that she never craved anyone the way that she craved him.

Her tongue swirled around his tip, then she ran it up and down his shaft before taking the whole thing in her mouth and bobbing up and down rather rapidly until he let out a huge groan with his orgasm.

" _Ugggggggggghhhhhh_ " He said rather loudly as he gripped her shoulders to keep himself from bucking into her mouth as she swallowed everything that he had to offer her.

After he was finished, Elliot leaned back and wiped the sweat off his forehead. Olivia joined him on the couch, sitting sideways with her back against the arm rest and getting the blanket from the side of the couch to cover them both.

They sat in silence for a bit, basking in the afterglow for a while.

" _Hey,_ " Olivia was the first to speak. " _I need talk to you about something._ " She said.

" _Hmmm…_ " Elliot responded. " _Me too but you go first. It might be about the same thing…_ " He said as they got more comfortable and she put her legs in his lap, causing him to adjust himself so she wouldn't squish his now tired, little member.

" _I was wondering if you could talk to Calvin about your father?_ "

Elliot knit his eyebrows together in confusion.

" _Why? What happened?_ " He asked, massaging her calf muscle on her leg.

" _I can't tell you because I don't want share information about Calvin without his permission…_ " Olivia said, giving Elliot a pointed look. " _But I would really like for you to share some of the things your father did to you… how violent he got and how you overcame it… I'd appreciate it if you'd maybe show him some of your scars?_ " She said.

" _I know it's a lot to ask…_ " Olivia continued. " _But… I really think it'd help him if you talked to him, if it came from a man's perspective. I've shared with him some of what I went through with Serena but it's not the same. I think Vivian tried to instill the classic 'men don't cry' bullshit in him and while he's not showing signs of struggling now, I want him to struggle with it as less as possible in the future._ "

" _This prick that put his hands-on Calvin in jail already?_ " Elliot asked, having already figured out what was going on with Calvin. He was a detective after all.

Olivia huffed.

" _Cal doesn't remember much about the man, he was too young. But if I ever find out who did it, his ass is mine… off the books…_ " She threatened.

Elliot continued to massage her leg but changed his gaze from her face to across the room.

" _Ten-four, partner._ " He agreed.

" _Anyways, what did you wanna talk to me about?_ " Olivia asked.

Elliot took a deep breath. He didn't really know what to say. He wasn't prepared but she needed to know. It was the right thing for everyone.

" _It's about Trevor…_ " He said as he looked down at her leg and his hands working on massaging her muscle. " _Liv…_ " Elliot started, and looked up at her. " _The guy's in love with you._ "

After a split second, Olivia busted out with laughter. How crazy of Elliot to think that Trevor was actually falling for her. After all, they had a deal.

" _That's insane._ " She said with a smile.

" _I'm serious._ " He replied in a small voice.

The smile fell from her face instantly.

" _What the hell are you talking about, Elliot?_ " She questioned.

" _I'm being honest, Liv._ " He said, and stopped massaging her leg. Olivia pulled her legs back and tucked them beneath her and pulled the blanket closer to her chest as Elliot used the end of it to cover his lap.

" _He loves me and I love him, but he's not in love with me._ " She told her partner in disagreement.

Elliot gave her a pointed look. The look that said he was actually telling the truth even though he wanted it to be a lie.

" _I'm not talking about he loves you like how we loved each other for the first five years of our partnership, I'm talking about he's actually in love with you._ " Elliot said.

She cleared her throat.

" _What makes you think this?_ " Olivia demanded. " _Did he tell you he was in love with me tonight? Did you two have some fight over me?_ " She asked quickly, too quickly, signaling that she might be spiraling out of control with her emotions soon.

" _I'm not gonna break his confidence but all I have to do is look at him when he talks about you. He's more possessive than he used to be, he gets goo-goo eyes when he's talking about you and just lights up. He does anything and everything you ask of him if he can… Liv, he's in love with you…_ "

" _No._ " She demanded as she got up from the couch and went to put her dress back on so she could be covered. " _He wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him many times so we can keep our feelings in check. Trevor wouldn't lie to me. I trust him, Elliot…_ " She said, looking at him on the couch after she'd finally gotten her dress on. There were tears in her eyes. Elliot could already tell she knew it was true, that she was just arguing with herself at this point.

" _I'm sorry…_ " He offered.

She couldn't have two men in love with her because there was only one of them that she wanted and he was sitting on the couch in front of her, she'd made that very clear from the beginning.

" _He wouldn't do this._ " She said, pacing back and forth.

" _Liv, he's hurting, and I think he's confused. Maybe he didn't know how to tell you…_ " Elliot said, trying to take up for Trevor. He didn't hate the guy. Truth was, if Trevor really was in love with Olivia, then Elliot felt sorry for the man because that was a painful road to go down.

Olivia covered her face with her hands and sniffled. Elliot stayed on the couch, knowing that if she wanted his comfort, she'd come back to him.

" _He knows if he made me choose, that I'd choose you. I've done this to him… I'm hurting him… Oh, God!_ " Olivia said as she finally made her way to Elliot's side. " _I don't want to hurt him. I love him. He's so amazing and he's a good man. He's amazing with Calvin too…_ "

" _When you and I first started hooking up, you got scared that I was falling for you… and I way by the way,_ " Elliot said, flashing her a small smile as he put his arm around her shoulder. " _But you use to tell me that if I ever tried to leave Kathy for you, if I ever got divorced, that you wouldn't be waiting on me and that I wouldn't have a place in your bed._ "

" _I did._ " Olivia agreed, remembering her own words. " _And he knows that, we've talked about it. God, I've been so personal with him, I'm a fucking idiot._ "

" _You're not, Liv…_ " He said, leaning in to kiss the side of her cheek. " _You're just so damn loveable and easy to fall for…_ "

That night, Olivia couldn't sleep, even with Elliot cuddled into her side. All she could think about was Trevor and how much pain he was probably in. It was no secret that Olivia had planned on bringing Elliot back to her apartment. Trevor knew that, it's part of the reason he had Calvin at his place instead of just staying at Olivia's.

Trevor knew every single time she'd done anything with Elliot because that was their rules. They always told each other when they were with other people. Now that Olivia started thinking about it, he hadn't been with anyone else in a really long time. How did she miss that? How had she lost track so easily?

He looked sadder when she talked about Elliot and sometimes he tended to text her more when she was on a stakeout with him. She should have known.

…

The next night, Trevor came over for supper and as usual, Cal went to his room after dinner to play his Nintendo DS that had been gifted to him by Captain Cragen. Olivia waited until Calvin was in his room to confront Trevor.

She asked him to go to the bedroom with her, but he got the feeling that it wasn't for sex.

" _I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest with me._ " Olivia said after she'd shut the bedroom door.

" _Alright._ " Trevor replied.

She took a deep breath before she said it.

" _Are you in love with me?_ " Olivia asked him very softly.

There was guilt on his face and he looked ashamed as he tilted his head towards the ground. In a way, Trevor couldn't believe Elliot had said something to her when he hadn't even clarified it for Elliot, but he also wasn't surprised. The man had always looked out for his partner.

" _Okay…_ " Olivia said as her bottom lip trembled and she fought to keep her composure. " _You're going to keep walking Calvin home from school on your scheduled days. Everything that you've planned with him, you are going to honor those plans. We won't drag him into this._ "

Trevor sniffed and it was then that Olivia realized the man was in fact crying. It was very rare for Trevor Langan to shed a tear and to be honest, it scared her a little.

He sat down on the bed in defeat. There was nothing he could do and he knew it.

Olivia sat down beside him, she almost called him 'baby' but she didn't want to hurt him anymore than he already was.

" _Trevor, why didn't you tell me you were starting to develop feelings?_ " She asked as her own tears made their way down her face.

Both of them knew this would be the end of their romantic relationship. She wouldn't still sleep with him after this.

" _I didn't realize it until it had already happened and then I just wanted more time with you…_ " Trevor told her honestly. " _I was going to wait until Stabler got divorced and then we could do everything as planned so you could be with him… I figured I might as well enjoy it while it lasts… we both know I'll never find anyone to be with…_ "

Olivia shook her head and pulled him to her.

" _You are a wonderful man and I know for a fact you have women all over you when you go out…_ " She said, hugging him and truly feeling bad that he was hurting. " _You shouldn't have lied to me. After everything I've told you and all of the trust issues I have… I just can't believe you'd do that._ " Olivia told him as tears continued down her cheek. " _I trusted you._ "

" _I know… and I'm so, so sorry…._ " He said, hugging her back.

Truth be told, she wasn't ready to let him go. When they finally did part, she had it mapped out in her head as something totally different, something that she was ready for.

After several minutes of crying and sadness, Olivia extracted herself from him and stood up.

" _I care about you…_ " She said. " _You know I do. I care about you a lot… you know secrets of mine that not even Elliot knows…_ " Olivia told him. " _I didn't mean to hurt you, I hate that you're hurting right now. I think we should take some time apart. Obviously, our romantic relationship is over… for show and for real._ "

" _I-I'm sorry…_ " Trevor said again.

Olivia walked over to him and sat back down on the bed facing him.

" _It's okay. You fell in love with me and it's okay. We're going to work through it. I would still like to be your friend, Trevor. Everything is going to be okay, we both just need some time. You trusted me with a lot of your secrets too and… and I will always be here for you… I just can't be here for you sexually anymore. I love you, but my heart belongs to someone else…_ " She said as her tears started back. " _My heart belongs to Elliot. I love him so fucking much and it kills me to see him with Kathy, it kills me that he's technically still married to her and that he's about to experience another birth with her when it should be me that he's doing that with. It fucking hurts and I'm not going to let you get hurt like that._ " She said, then took a deep breath to keep herself from breaking into sobs.

Even though she was mad at Trevor for lying, she still had that lioness need to comfort him and make sure that he knew everything was going to be okay. She couldn't help it, it's just who she was as a person.

" _You've got to leave before Calvin comes out of his room…_ " Olivia said as she headed towards the bedroom door.

" _Hey…_ " Trevor said, stopping as he got to her at the door. " _Can I just have one more kiss, please?_ " He asked.

It broke her heart. It was the least she could do. She leaned up and touched her lips to his, eventually granting his tongue access. The kiss was salty due to their tears but it was still a kiss that neither one would ever forget.

…

 **PRESENT DAY:**

" _I know it sucks right now, but you're gonna be okay…_ " Fin promised her as he combed his fingers through her hair. Fin had stayed with her all night. They'd stayed up late talking and despite not getting much sleep, her body woke her up around nine. She'd found Fin awake and they'd began talking again.

Her bedroom door was ajar. She'd left it that way on purposed, sensing that Calvin might want to check on her this morning.

" _Olivia?_ " She heard his voice call from the hallway, although he knew the rules. When her door was open or cracked, it meant he could enter.

" _Hey, man._ " Fin greeted Calvin. " _I'm gonna go fix you some tea…_ " He said to Olivia, signaling that he was really just busing himself to give them alone time to talk.

After Fin exited the room and shut the door to give them privacy, Olivia patted the bed beside her where Fin had been sitting, silently asking Calvin to join her.

" _You look like shit…_ " He said as he looked at her.

" _Swear jar…_ " She pointed her finger at him weakly and mumbled because her face was partially pressed into the covers.

This made Calvin smile. Olivia smiled too as she sat up and got herself in order.

" _Mom would sleep all day and lay around the house when she was on drugs…_ " Calvin blurted out, looking worried. " _She said she had to do them to cope with her life…_ "

" _Baby, I'm not on drugs._ " Olivia promised him. Even though he was thirteen, sometimes he was still just a kid.

" _I know, but I don't want you to get so sad that you start doing them._ " He said innocently.

Olivia snorted with a small laugh. " _Honey, I'll never, ever do drugs. I promise you. If I do, it'll be the ones that a doctor prescribes me. Ones that are safe and helpful._ "

" _Okay…_ " Calvin said, taking her word for it.

" _I'm just going through the motions… going through a break-up. It's what happens. A lot of people act like this after a serious relationship ends. Not all people, but a lot._ " She told him. " _And I meant what I said last night, Trevor and I will stay friends. You'll still see him and do all of the things you do with him now. You just might see him a tad bit less, he won't be eating dinner a lot here and he won't be staying the night anymore._ " She explained.

" _What happened?_ " Calvin wondered, clearly still a little worried and trying to understand the situation.

" _Well…_ " Olivia began. " _Trevor didn't tell me something because he thought he it was the right thing to do and… it wasn't._ " She tried to explain it to him in simple terms.

" _You're not gonna tell me what really happened are you?_ " He asked with a knowing look.

" _Nope… I'm not. Because it's grown up stuff and it's personal to me. I didn't even tell Uncle Fin everything exactly. But I don't want you to worry about it. Trevor and I are just better off being friends, and that's okay. Sometimes, that's how relationships work out. He's still a good man._ " She said, looking at Calvin. " _He didn't cheat on me, he didn't hit me or hurt me, we still care about each other a lot._ "

" _I love him._ " Calvin said in a small voice.

" _Oh sweetheart, me too. Very much so…_ " Olivia said, leaning over to hug her boy. " _And he loves you too, don't you ever doubt that._ " She said as she made eye contact with him again. " _He loves you so much._ " She promised. " _Everything is going to be alright._ "

" _I got some tea!_ " Fin said as he entered the room with a small tray. He'd even found her flowers to add to the tea.

Once Olivia got settled, she ushered them both out of the room.

" _Alright, I'm fine. Y'all go order some pizza or something for lunch. Why don't you get Uncle Fin to play Resident Evil with you?_ " She suggested to Calvin, but before the boy could answer, Fin replied.

" _Me play Resident Evil? Fuck no. That's some scary shit. No way in hell. We gon play something else…_." He said.

Olivia's eyes went wide as she held her cup of tea.

" _Jesus, Fin. Swear jar._ "

" _Actually, I still have that ten, so he still has like six more saved up to use…._ " Calvin said.

Olivia just rolled her eyes as Fin smiled.

 **Thoughts?**


	29. Chapter 29

**I appreciate the encouraging reviews. I love to hear what y'all think. This chapter is a bit shorter than previous ones. Grad school is demanding more of my time than I'd like.**

Olivia bit her lip as she continued to drive, glancing at her adopted son in the passenger seat. They were in her black mustang, the car that she didn't take out too often and almost no one knew she had.

Calvin had been over the moon when she'd showed it to him. He couldn't understand why she didn't drive it all the time.

Going back and forth in her mind, she couldn't truly decide if this was the right decision or not. He'd insisted on coming. She was going to leave him at home for a couple of hours. Calvin was old enough to stay by himself for a little while and for the most part, she trusted him.

Olivia had tried to talk her way around where she was going before she finally gave up and confessed that she was going to her mother's grave. The boy had asked shyly if he could go, it was a mixture of wanted to know more about the woman who'd adopted him and wanted to know more about the woman who would have been his adopted grandmother.

Her first instinct was to say no. She didn't want him there. She didn't want him to see her cry if that did in fact happen, but she also didn't want him to see the other gravestones that were at the site.

He'd have questions, questions that she wasn't sure she wanted to answer just yet but, in the end, she'd decided he could come.

" _This is a big cemetery.._." Calvin commented as Olivia drove her car through the main gate and made her way towards where Serena was buried.

" _Yeah…_ " Olivia responded as she pulled the car to a halt and put it in park. " _It's one of the city cemeteries so people who don't have families get buried here if they aren't cremated or if they can't be identified when a murder has been committed._ " She told him. " _But most of them are from families who have chosen to place them here._ " Olivia added quickly as she watched Calvin scan all the tombstones that surrounded them.

" _Did your mom wanna be buried here?_ " He asked as they walked together down the path that weaved in and out.

Olivia shrugged.

" _I don't know. We never talked about it, but I didn't think she'd want to be cremated and we don't have a family cemetery so here's where I chose…_ "

Calvin nodded in acknowledgement but didn't say anything further.

Olivia was glad that there weren't a ton of people buried around her mother and that it wasn't over crowded in that particular area.

They walked up to a bench that Olivia had had installed when she'd lost the little girl at the hospital only hours after being given legal custody. A bench had seemed appropriate since she had been coming to the cemetery often afterword, it'd brought back up feelings from her miscarriage and she was getting too old to sit on the ground for long periods of time.

She wasn't on call, but she still dressed in her work attire accompanied by her gun and badge. It made her feel better sometimes like a protective shield.

Olivia chose to stand beside the bench as Calvin sat down and stared at the gravestones in front of him. Serena's stone was the most worn and discolored since it was the oldest. The other two were still looking fairly new.

" _The baby girl you told me died at the hospital?_ " He asked gently.

Olivia nodded and pointed to the stone that belonged to the infant she'd been given custody of for a short period of time before passing away in the hospital.

She saw his eyes scan over the one he was most unfamiliar with, the one that he hadn't been told about.

Calvin glanced at her, then looked back as his eyes re-scanned the words written on the stone. For a moment, Olivia wondered if she could piece together the situation. The only date on the tombstone would eliminate the girl from being her sister.

" _What happened to her?_ " He asked gently.

Olivia took a step towards him and sat down on the bench.

" _I got pregnant a few years ago. My body couldn't carry the baby, so I had a miscarriage._ " She explained. It was almost eerie how calm and somber she was.

Talking to Calvin wasn't like talking to anyone else though, with him it was easier sometimes. She loved him unconditionally and she knew that he loved her. Olivia was raising him to not be judgmental and to help others, to try and be understanding even if he may not agree with whatever is happening.

She let the silence engulf them, knowing Calvin was trying to take in what she said.

" _May twenty-fifth, two thousand six is when you found out you were pregnant?_ " He asked softly, clearly confused about the one date on the stone, which was understandable since the baby technically hadn't been born.

Olivia shook her head softly and turned to look at him.

" _It's the date I lost her. She was never technically born so I didn't know what to put on the gravestone, but I knew I wanted her to have one…._ " And Elliot would have too, but she didn't dare mention his name or reference a father figure for the girl. " _They told me most people either put the date they found out about the pregnancy or the date they miscarried. Unfortunately, both were the same day for me._ "

Another bout of silence hit them, and Olivia was grateful. She didn't really know what to tell him about the daughter that she had never known.

They sat in silence for a while. It was nice, or as nice as it could be in a cemetery.

Olivia thought about her mother as her eyes traced over Serena's name on the big stone before them. She wondered just how proud her mother would be. Olivia had never gotten married, she hadn't even been able to have a biological child and while this didn't necessarily matter to her, it might have to Serena.

Then she thought about how close she'd come to walking down her mother's same path with vodka and she wondered if Serena would have ever been able to get sober after years of vodka dependency.

" _Will you tell me more about your mom?_ " Calvin asked quietly from beside her, pulling her out of her own thoughts. " _Not the bad stuff but… just normal stuff like more about her being a professor and maybe more about you?_ " He asked, looking at her with big, wide eyes.

Olivia gave him a small smile. He just wanted to know more about her, to learn about her history and her past but he wasn't focusing on her trauma, he was focusing on her and her mom. It warmed her heart.

" _Well…_ " Olivia said with a small smile, looking up and thinking. " _You know she was an English professor. I don't know a lot about her parents or how she grew up. Her father died when she was a teenager and her mother died when I was a little girl. And I only know that because I used the computer at work to look it up when I started working for SVU…_ "

She told Calvin of good memories and she added a few bad ones just because she wanted to be honest with him and she wanted him to know more about her trauma and that they'd experienced some of the same things.

Before they knew it, they'd been sitting there for almost two hours talking. When they finally made it back to the car, Olivia decided she was grateful that Calvin had asked to come. Initially, she thought this trip was about her mom, but she'd realized that it was about her and Calvin.

Olivia cranked the car as Calvin climbed in the passenger seat. She picked at her nail for a moment before turning to Calvin and addressing him.

" _I'd never ask you to lie to someone unless you absolutely had to…._ " She started as a frown graced her face. " _But I need you to keep the stuff about the baby and my pregnancy between us…_ "

" _I'm the only one that knows?_ " He asked in confusion.

" _No._ " She replied with a small smile. " _Fin and Trevor know, but that's it. It's something personal for me and I'd like to keep it personal, but I trust you, otherwise I wouldn't have told you._ "

" _Okay. I won't tell anyone._ " He promised.

" _C'mere_ " She whispered as she reached for him. He leaned in and she wrapped her arms around him. " _I'm so, so happy that you're my son._ "

" _Me too._ " He replied.

…

Olivia reached up to begin mashing buttons on the radio station. They'd been sitting in the car for over two hours now and she felt like they'd heard the same song four times already. Not only that, but she was slightly annoyed at the lame stakeout they were on.

Neither of them figured they would catch the guy. Hell, they weren't even sure he was home and there'd been nothing to indicate that he was home so far.

He glanced at his phone for what seemed like the billionth time. It was currently plugged into a car phone charger because he'd been fidgeting with it so much.

" _Stop looking at your phone…_ " Olivia told him. " _It's on loud and vibrate and so is mine. If she goes into labor, you'll know._ " She promised him, giving Elliot a knowing look.

" _I'm just… worried._ " He replied softly, looking out his driver side window.

" _I know…_ " She said softly, using her left hand to give his right leg a small squeeze. " _She'll call or someone will. She's done this four times already on top of being a nurse. I promise she knows what she's doing._ " Olivia reassured him.

Elliot was silent for a few moments. His nerves were getting the best of him, especially since today was Kathy's due date.

" _She's just never carried to term before…_ " He finally replied. His experience with this birth was different from all the rest for many reasons. Kathy had actually managed to carry the baby to full term, which she'd never done before and aside from the twins, this was the only pregnancy that she'd been told she probably wouldn't carry to term. Plus, it wasn't even Elliot's child. His feelings were all messed up.

" _It's a good thing._ " Olivia promised as she lightly shook his leg until he finally looked at her to see her smiling. " _But if she goes into labor, you're on your own._ " She told him as she began to laugh. " _Literally seeing your wife give birth and having to help her in the process… once was enough for me. It's your turn._ "

He laughed until his laughed faded into a smile. Then he leaned in to kiss her on the lips. She saw him coming and let it happen.

" _I'm sorry for skipping Eli's birthday party…_ " She said after they'd broken apart and pulled back.

" _No, you're not…._ " Elliot said. " _But I understand it. I know it's not easy watching me with my pregnant wife hosting a big family-oriented event._ "

Olivia exhaled in relief. He always seemed to get her.

That wasn't the whole reason she hadn't come. Part of it was that she wasn't sure she could handle another intimate conversation with Kathy and it just hurt in general to see her carrying a child again knowing Elliot was taking on the role as father even if the child wasn't biologically his.

" _He like his gift?_ " She asked, glancing at him.

Elliot shot her an annoyed look.

" _Of course he did. His parents? Not so much…_ "

She shrugged, giving him an innocent look. Olivia couldn't help that she thought one of the loudest toys was the best choice to get Eli. She'd seen it and had known instantly that he'd love the toy police car with lights and sirens, especially since the boy was on a police officer kick now that he was getting older and realizing what his dad did for a living.

The birthday party had only been two days ago. From what she'd heard, Kathy and Elliot had gone back and forth about having one because they weren't sure when Kathy was going to give birth but since the actual birthday date and party had passed, nether were as worried before and were merely happy that they weren't going to end up with another set of kids that shared the same birthday.

" _She's just ready for the baby to get here. We thought she'd be here two weeks ago with the high-risk pregnancy but it's looking like she may be late…_." Elliot commented. " _We've done just about everything to send her into labor. God, she's miserable._ "

Olivia snorted.

" _What haven't you done?_ "

" _Fuck._ " He replied easily.

The car fell silent. She didn't know if it was a good thing or bad thing.

On one hand, she didn't want Elliot to sleep with anyone else much less his currently estranged wife, but on the other hand, she was still his wife and Olivia knew how horny pregnant women got. She couldn't imagine going without sex for nine months while having an overactive sex drive due to hormones. On top of that, if Olivia could technically still sleep with whoever she wanted, then Elliot should be allowed to as well.

" _I'm not stopping you. She's still your wife and I'm not being celibate just for you…_ " Olivia told him quietly as she gazed out her own window, not wanting to look at him for the moment.

Truth be told, Olivia had thought about calling up the young woman that she'd met at the Swing Set. She was getting lonely and wouldn't call Elliot away from his pregnant wife to satisfy her needs and Trevor wasn't an option anymore. He may still be in her life, but she wouldn't use him like that.

" _I don't feel that way about her anymore. It feels wrong to do that to her… and you._ "

Olivia cut her head to him and stared at him.

" _Have you ever had sex with anyone that you haven't had feelings for?_ " She asked, being sure to keep the judgement out of her voice.

" _You know I've only been with you and Kathy._ " He shot back.

" _That didn't answer my question._ " She replied.

Elliot ignored her and took this moment to look out his own window. He didn't want to talk about this anymore.

" _How's Cal liking camp?_ " He asked, looking down at his lap and changing the subject.

Olivia decided to give in, she wasn't too interested in the previous conversation they were having either.

" _He seems to like it a lot… and I can tell because the first few days he called me every day, sometimes twice a day…. Now, it's once every couple of days._ " She replied

" _He picked a favorite yet?_ " Elliot asked, looking at her.

She shrugged.

" _He seems to like basketball again, but I think his newest interest is hockey."_ Olivia explained.

Calvin was at a three-week sports camp and had just a little over two weeks to go. Trevor had been the one to tell her about it, and with much persuasion and him paying for over half of it, she agreed to let Calvin go if it's what her boy wanted. The only problem she had was that it seemed to be for more privileged kids whose parents had a healthy amount of money.

In the end, she really wanted Calvin to go though. It was a camp specifically to teach kids a bit about each sport with the goal of helping the figure out which sports they like and were good at, then the last week of camp the kids and young teens would spend time working on the specific sports they wanted to in order to learn the most. Olivia figured there'd be more children there then actual young teenagers but when Calvin had called her, he'd seemed to make at least a couple of friends his age and she got the idea that there were a significant number of boys there in his age range.

Olivia was confident that he'd come back liking at least one sport that he could try out for at school.

" _Hockey's good. The girls were into soccer and cheerleading… Dickie tried football for a year, but I don't think he really liked it. It was the school and… he was friends with Shane then. I think his high school career was just a big mess._ " Elliot told her, going on a bit of a ramble.

" _I don't think any teenager has the exact high school career that they want…_ " She replied lightly.

Fin's voice interrupted them before they could take the conversation any further.

" _We got 'em. He tried to sneak out the back, we're headed to booking. Meet you back at the house._ "

" _Ten-Four._ " Elliot replied.

" _Hmm._ " Olivia commented. " _I really didn't think he was in there…_ " She said, looking up at the building one more time before he started to pull away.

" _We're getting old…_ " Elliot commented as he put his sun glasses on.

…

 **Later that night**

She heard soft knocking on her bedroom door as she was waking up from her deep, interrupted slumber.

Olivia knew his knock. It was Fin. She was now worried but apparently so was he because before she could verbally respond he opened the door and called her name.

A loud gasp came from the blonde that had been curled into her side then a small shriek followed.

" _Shit! I'm sorry, I'm SO sorry…. Fuck…_." Fin said quickly as he began to shut the door moments after realized Olivia had company in bed with her. Luckily for him, both women had been sleeping instead of doing something else.

" _I'll be out in a sec, just wait on the couch!_ " She half yelled to him, knowing he'd follow her orders.

The blonde woman beside Olivia was now shaking slightly and she seemed to be breathing faster than normal. There was no doubt in the detective's mind that Fin had been a trigger. PTSD was such a bitch.

" _Cameron, it's okay…_ " Olivia tried her best to sooth the younger woman without touching her. She reached up and turned the lamp on at her bedside table. " _It's Olivia Benson. You're safe._ "

Okay, so Olivia had given in and called the girl from the club after all.

" _I thought you said you and your boyfriend broke up…._ " She replied as she tried to catch her breath, clearly wanting to change the subject and not seem weak.

" _We did. He's not my ex. That was Detective Tutuola. Remember the man I was talking to in my ear at the club? That as him. He has a key for emergencies and if he's here then something is obviously happening._ " Olivia tried to explain.

Cameron nodded her head in understanding.

" _Can I touch you? Can I hug you._ " Olivia asked hesitantly.

" _Yeah, yes, of course._ " The girl replied, as if it were a crazy question, although both of them knew it wasn't.

Olivia leaned over and wrapped her arms around Cameron, rubbing her shoulder.

" _I wouldn't let anything happen to you._ " The detective whispered words of comfort in the blonde's ear before kissing her on the cheek. " _I'm so honored that you let me into your personal space and personal life. I feel privileged that you opened up to me today… in so many ways…_ " She said as she kissed Cameron on the lips. There was a double meaning behind her words, a dirty meaning and Olivia knew Cameron got it because she could feel the girl smile beneath her lips.

" _I have to go see what's going on with my squad, but I'll be back…_ " Olivia promised as she leaned down for another peck on the lips before getting up.

….

FLASHBACK:

Olivia had gone back and forth about calling Cameron once she'd gotten home. Her body was buzzing, and she really didn't feel like playing with a vibrator tonight. She wanted someone real.

She'd ended up texting her at first to see if she was free and where she could talk. Once Cameron had replied, Olivia called her and invited her to hang out, hinting that she had ulterior motives and wanted to see if Cameron was interested.

Of course, the blonde jumped at the chance. She took down Olivia's address and arrived within the hour. Clothes flew all over the apartment once Cameron arrived.

In fact, they didn't even make it to the bedroom.

" _Oh godddd…._ " Olivia whimpered as she lay on the couch, totally naked with her head thrown back and legs spread wide for the blonde head currently between them.

The younger woman was clearly skilled with her tongue.

" _So good…_." Olivia whispered as her mouth hung open. " _You're so fucking good._ "

It didn't get past the brunette that Cameron was really putting on a show for her. She'd already told Olivia she'd looked up to her and been attracted to her.

When Olivia climaxed, she made sure to scream Cameron's name, knowing it's what the blonde would have wanted to hear, and Olivia didn't mind saying it. After a couple more orgasms, they both finally just laid around and talked while in bed.

Olivia ordered them take out and she really took the time to get to know Cameron a little, knowing the woman was comfortable with her and wondering if Cameron had ever had anyone that she felt comfortable enough disclosing too.

" _I'm the product of rape…_ " Olivia tried to say lightly as she ate her pizza, lying in bed, propped up on one arm with the sheet covering her chest. Cameron was in the same position opposite of Olivia.

The other woman swallowed.

" _That makes me sad._ " She replied.

Olivia shook her head quickly. " _I'm alright now, but I'm telling you because you'd told me before that you daughter was the product of your assault and I just… I want you to know that she's not alone, neither are you._ "

" _Thanks._ " She smiled.

The first conversation Olivia had had with her after their first round of sex was about Cameron's boyfriend that she came with to the Swing Set. Turns out, they aren't actually dating, they just say they are because you have to be a couple in order to get into the Swing Set. Once inside, you can split up and pair off with other people and the club doesn't think twice about it since it's a swinger's club.

Then they'd talked about how this was clearly a friends-with-benefits arrangement and Olivia was going to make extra sure that what happened with Trevor wouldn't happen with Cameron. In fact, Olivia wasn't even sure that there would be a next time for them, it honestly depended on Elliot and what he was actually planning on doing when the baby was born, which could be any minute…

" _I worry about her growing up and coming from such a traumatic background._ " Cameron explained.

Olivia shook her head quickly after swallowing her bite of pizza.

" _You're already a much, much better mother than mine was. Just be there for her, get through it with her. She'll be alright and so will you._ " Olivia smiled at her warmly.

It saddened her to know that this amazing young woman was violated in the worse way for probably many more years than she was letting on, but it was nice that Olivia could see how open and carefree she was with sex.

They didn't get to see that in their victims a lot. The main job is to investigate and get them through a trial or court hearing and try to put the perp away for as long as appropriately possible. They rarely get to see victims years after their assaults to see how they are doing mentally and physically and it'd be inappropriate to ask a survivor if they had a healthy sex life, although some of them do openly share that information with Olivia on occasion but it's usually recently after the assault and they will confide in Olivia that they have no sex life and are too scared to try anything.

The two women ate and continued talking for a while more, then things heated up again and after two more rounds of fucking, they fell asleep in Olivia's bed.

It helped that spending the night had already been discussed since Calvin was away at camp and Cameron's daughter was at a sleepover with a very close and trustworthy friend.

…

 **PRESENT TIME:**

Olivia came out in the living room in her silk robe and nothing else, almost worried at what Fin would have to tell her.

" _What's going on?_ " She asked, sitting on the couch with her arms crossed and looking at him with a concerned face.

" _Liv, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault…_." Fin said. She could tell he felt bad. " _Is she okay?_ " He asked.

Olivia nodded.

" _She has some PTSD but she's alright. You just gave her a little scare. She'll be fine._ "

Fin shook his head and leaned down.

" _What's going on?_ " Olivia asked again.

" _I'm sorry. I misread the situation. Stabler text me earlier and asked me to cover for him tomorrow because Kathy went into labor. Then I saw you walking in the liquor store when I drove by on my way home… then I got this cute ass pic of his kid and I just… I thought…_ "

Clearly, Fin thought Olivia knew about the baby and that Elliot had notified her.

" _Kathy had the baby?_ " Olivia said with wide eyes. She didn't even know what time it was, but she was starting to realize that it was sometime in the middle of the night. " _Let me see!_ " She said, reaching for his phone. She didn't even know where hers was.

Sure enough, Elliot had text that Kathy's water had broken around seven p.m. and around ten, Fin had received a photo of Elliot and Kathy with Kathy holding their new baby girl. They were clearly in a hospital room. You couldn't tell much about the baby. Her eyes were closed tight and the only part of her peeking out from beneath the blanket she was swaddled in was her tiny, red face.

Olivia's eyes began to water.

" _I… I just thought…_ " Fin started.

" _I know what you thought._ " She finished for him, looking up and handing the phone back to him. " _You thought I was spiraling, that I'd gone to get vodka at the liquor store and was drinking myself into a stupor._ "

Fin reached out and placed a hand on the knee that was poking out of her robe.

" _I'm so sorry, Liv._ " He replied. " _I didn't mean to invade your privacy or assume…_ " Fin insisted.

Olivia looked down at her knee and let out a small laugh while looking up at Fin. " _I'm naked under this robe, Fin…_ " She told him, and he snatched his hand away so quickly you would have thought he was on fire.

Now she really did laugh even though there were still tears in her eyes.

" _That ain't cool, Liv._ " He said, shooting her a dirty look. His nerves were already shot.

" _Sorry…_ " She laughed again. " _But I'm okay. And I don't blame you. My past actions give you plenty of reason to think that I would have gone down that path tonight, but I didn't…_ " She said glancing down the hall to where the bedroom is located. " _I'm not saying what I'm doing is better but…_ "

" _You know I ain't judging you, baby girl…_." He promised her. She looked at him with warm eyes. " _It is better though. I'd rather you fuck her than down a bottle of vodka any day._ " Olivia smiled. She loved their relationship.

" _Your phone says it's nearing two in the morning. I don't even know where my phone is…_ " She commented. " _All this… won't hit me until the morning. I'm glad I have tomorrow off._ "

" _Are you okay?_ " He asked softly, looking at her, studying her features to read her.

" _Not even close._ " She replied in a whisper.

Fin nodded in understanding.

" _The man that I'm in love with just had a sixth child with his wife…._ " Olivia told him.

" _I'd hug you if you… had more clothes on…_ " He told her.

Olivia began to laugh again.

" _They probably won't be on for long…_ " She said.

" _And that's my cue to leave…_ " Fin said as he stood up. He always worried about Olivia, always. He loved her so much. She was his family and he'd never really known family growing up, neither of them had.

" _Thank you for checking on me._ " She told him and leaned up to kiss his cheek before he left. This time, she made sure to lock the deadbolt on the door, so they wouldn't have any surprise visitors. She also needed to locate her phone…


	30. Chapter 30

**If I'm not mistaken, this is the chapter that you all have been waiting for.**

 **It's literally taken me almost 12 hours to write and I hope I did it justice. I look forward to the reviews, this story has come a long way for me and I will need your input and feedback on this one.**

Olivia was pouring herself coffee in the squad room. Coffee that Munch had made. That alone was enough to ruin her day, but she didn't have time to run out and get herself some. Alex sure wasn't going to bring her any and Fin didn't really drink coffee but on special occasions or if they were pulling an all-nighter.

She was tired, drained. Ready for this case to be over and ready to go home.

Every now and then she'd glance at Elliot's desk, stare at the picture of him and Eli that he had propped up beside his computer screen. It was getting increasingly harder to focus on her current case, and this case's perp was in the running for Prime Minister, it needed all of her attention.

" _Heard they beat 'er up in court pretty bad…_ " Fin whispered as he walked over to Olivia, clearly doing so only to talk to her since he'd have no intentions of getting coffee.

" _She brought it on herself…_ " Olivia said as she shrugged, then began shifting through the creamers and sugars to find something to add to the horrible tasting coffee she was about to drink. " _She lied repeatedly._ " She continued, shaking her head.

" _She did what she needed to do to get asylum. Her attacker wasn't an American citizen, she can't even apply for a green card through VAWA and that woulda been the only decent thing to come outta this situation._ " Fin reminded Olivia. He'd known she was going through some stuff and for the first time in twelve years, he was worried that she wasn't really doing her job on this case. He wanted to make sure he had her back and she stepped it up before Cragen stepped in.

" _Yeah well, it's one thing to be inconsistent but it's another to quote verbatim…_ " Olivia said, using her hands to talk in order to emphasize her feelings about what their vic had done.

Fin looked at her in disbelief.

" _Wow…._ " He commented. " _Everybody's ripping into her today…. What's up with you?_ " Fin tested even though he had a pretty good idea. " _You tellin' me you don't think he's good for it?_ " He bluntly asked.

Olivia looked up as she ripped the tops off of the sugar packets and added the white substance to her coffee. She opened her mouth to speak, then hopefully her victim advocacy training kicked in and got the better of her because instead of answering Fin's question, which he had worried would have been answered with a 'yes', she said something different.

" _It's not my job to decide whether or not I think he did it. What I think doesn't matter. I'm here to investigate and present the DA with all of my findings, whether he did it or not is for a jury to decide._ " And with that, she threw the empty sugar packets to the side, grabbed a mixing straw, and casually walked back to her desk.

" _Well, at least she's doing her job…_ " Fin mumbled to himself as he glanced her way while he was walking back to his own desk.

…..

" _Look…_ " She said into her phone. " _I… I don't know what to say or do. I'm not going to stalk you. This is the only message you'll get from me. I just wanted… I wanted you to know I'm here… and… and I'm sorry… and… I probably shouldn't even be calling you…"_ Olivia hung up the phone, putting an end to the voice mail before her emotions got the best of her and her tears started against her will. For all she knew, he didn't even want to speak to her.

She was so tired of crying. She didn't know if Elliot hated her or even if he still loved her anymore.

Olivia was so glad Calvin still had eight days left at camp. His calls were about every three days now, which usually she'd be upset about, but it was a good thing considering all of the shit that went down while he was gone.

Both Alex and the newbie, Amanda, were at the bar ordering drinks. Olivia stared at them both. It wouldn't surprise her if the new blonde swung both ways or just batted for the other team all together. She couldn't help but wonder if Alex would try to pick her up, although Amanda didn't seem much like Alex's type, but Olivia really didn't know the girl that well yet.

Fin approached her from where she was seated at the small table across the room. It was a table for two that was far enough away from the bar for her liking. She'd chosen it on purpose, not wanting the company of Alex nor Amanda.

" _Sup?_ " Fin greeted her as he took a seat without waiting for her permission.

She gave him a light smile.

" _You talked to him?_ " Olivia asked as she picked at the label on her beer. They both knew who she was referring to.

" _Not since the shooting._ " He replied. " _He's probably just taking some time away, Liv. New baby at home, then he shoots a teen… that's a lot._ " Fin told her, but Olivia shook her head in disagreement. " _What's going on, baby girl?_ " He asked, coaxing her by using his pet name for her.

" _I…I told him about the… about my miscarriage…_ " She said in a hushed voice, still focusing on her beer bottle and all the sudden wishing she had another one. Her eyes filled with tears, Olivia was glad she was sitting with her back to the bar, so her co-workers couldn't see her. It was bad enough that Alex was back temporarily, but they'd gotten a new detective who was a female and Olivia didn't get along great with women she worked with.

" _When?_ " Fin asked, leaning forward and placing his hand on her wrist, offering his comfort and love.

" _Two days before the shooting._ "

" _What'd he say?_ " The other detective asked.

Olivia just shook her head. She didn't want to think about it really, it was all a bit of a blur and very painful.

" _I-I don't know. I left before he could say anything. I just… I panicked. The first time I saw him since I told him was when the shooting happened. He probably hadn't even had time to digest it and now he's supposed to be on leave not only for diaper duty but for the shooting. He hasn't tried to contact me…._." She looked at Fin's face. " _I think he's… I think it's just…_ "

" _Take a deep breathe._ " He told her, rubbing at her wrist gently. " _Let's not assume anything, alright?_ " Fin instructed lightly.

Olivia nodded in agreement.

" _What about Cameron?_ " He asked, changing the subject just a little bit.

She raised her eyebrows in question.

" _What about her?_ "

Fin gave her a knowing look. " _She's a survivor, Liv. One who looked up to you and liked you a lot. Are you sure your head's on straight with this one?_ " He asked. Fin wasn't exactly sure what was going on between the two women, but he needed to check. He was a victim advocate too after all and it was his job to look out for Cameron and advocate for her with whatever may be going on. If that meant keeping Olivia in check, then so be it.

Olivia nodded her head lightly.

" _I probably didn't think it through as much as I should have but… you know how you look up to someone famous and they just make you happy, they inspire you and you genuinely enjoy seeing their work? But you're also attracted to them because they're a really good person and you find them to be sexy as hell. So, if ever given the chance, you jump in the sack with them because god, they've inspired you and made you happy and you're really into them. Plus, it's an opportunity that you might never get again…_." She tried her best to explain.

" _And that's what you think it is with Cameron?_ " He asked carefully.

Olivia shrugged.

" _I don't know but before I invited her over, we talked on the phone and that's what she told me. She's actively in therapy, she wasn't one of our victims so there's no conflict of interest…. I can't just not sleep with her because she's a survivor, Fin. That's just… it's rude and just… it would send the wrong message because she knew I was attracted to her, she could tell that at the club when we met…._ "

" _She's young…_ " Fin commented.

Olivia narrowed her eyes at him. He took home younger women all the time who were in their mid or late twenties.

" _Are you kidding me?_ "

He raised both his hands in surrender.

" _I'm just noting it. She's younger than any woman I've ever picked up…_ "

Olivia side-eyed him.

" _I'll never go younger, I don't like that, and you know it… she's just…. She's different. At least she looks older._ " She commented

" _I just want you to be careful. If she's still working on healing, you don't want to be her downfall. Don't let her use sex as a crutch. You know how it goes with some victims, they either want to sleep with everyone because they feel it's a sense of control that they didn't have when they were assaulted, or they don't wanna be touched._ " He reminded her. It wasn't that way with all survivors but sometimes it was, and it wouldn't surprise him if that's what Cameron was doing. " _Sex isn't a good substitute for love…._ " Fin said, eyeing her.

" _You referring to me or her?_ " Olivia asked boldly with a hard face.

" _Both._ " He replied and began to rub at her wrist again before she gently yanked it out of his grasp in order to take a sip of her beer.

…

" _Olivia, all rape victims lie about something. You know that… how much they've had to drink, who they were with the night before, what they were exactly doing…_ " Alex stressed as they walked down the court house hallway. The blonde couldn't believe where Olivia's head was at with this case.

" _She picked the wrong thing to lie about._ " The detective told the attorney, talking with her hands again out of habit. " _One lie is fine, even too but, Alex, there's a pattern here…. How much damage control can you do?_ " She stressed as they stopped in the hall to face each other.

" _Do you think she is telling the truth?_ " Alex point blank asked.

" _I think a sexual assault took place in that room, I do think something bad happened to her._ " Olivia said after taking a deep breath.

" _That's all I need to hear._ " Alex replied, then gently squeezed Olivia's arm and gave her a small smile. " _I'm not sure what's going on with you…. I suspect it has something to do with Elliot and the fact that he has a new baby…_ " The change in Olivia's facial features was all Alex needed to know she was right. " _I'm here if you need anything or if there's anything I can do. I know your head isn't with this case right now. I heard about the shooting…._ " The blonde confessed.

" _Thanks…_ " Olivia gave her a small fake smile. " _But I don't want to talk about it…_ " The detective told her, then Olivia backed out of Alex's touch and walked away. She hated how the blonde knew she and Elliot had had a thing going on.

And the shooting had just been the icing on the cake.

….

Her ears were still ringing as she stood in Cragen's office.

He'd called her in, asked her to shut the door for privacy. Olivia had thought he'd called her in to chastise her about how she worked the case and how even though he'd told her to take the Prime Minister candidate out through the back door, she'd given him the rightful perp walk that he'd deserved, full blown with media and paparazzi everywhere.

She'd expected him to put a mark on her jacket, even give her a wright up because honestly, she didn't care. She hadn't expected what he'd actually said.

" _Elliot put his papers in._ " Cragen had told her in a soft voice.

Olivia stood still, looking at her captain in confusion, as if she didn't understand the words coming out of his mouth.

" _W-what?_ " She stammered, crinkling her eyebrows together.

" _There was nothing I could do._ " Cragen's soft voice came again. His eyes studied her, taking in her reaction for what he knew it was.

" _He's… he's earned it…_ " She whispered as she felt her eyes well up.

This was because of her. She'd hurt him too much and he couldn't handle it. Then the shooting had happened. Everything happened too close together, Elliot never had a chance to even take a breath. Plus, he had a new baby at home. He was closer to fifty than she was. Maybe it was his time after all.

" _Do you wanna talk?_ " Her boss asked in a kind voice, the voice he used for when he was a fatherly, loving figure, not when he was commanding his squad.

Olivia's mouth opened, then moments later, shut again. She couldn't think of anything to say. Shock was taking over and she was frozen in place.

Cragen walked over to her slowly as her tears began to fall against her will. He gave her a soft smile and guided her to the couch, then made sure to reach up and close the blinds in his office before he sat down beside her. Their emotional discussion hadn't gone unnoticed by her peers in the squad room. The captain eyed Fin as he pulled the sting to close the binds, knowing his detective was only seconds away from making his way into the office to check on his friend. Cragen had given him a slight shake of the head as to tell his detective that it was okay and not to come, that he'd take care of Olivia.

The first sob escaped, and she couldn't help it.

Olivia covered her mouth with both hands and closed her eyes as her ears flowed freely and her shoulder shook.

Cragen did what anyone close to Olivia Benson should have done. He sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him. She fell into his side easily, whether it was from wanting to or from pure exhaustion and shock, neither one knew.

" _It'll be okay._ " He whispered.

After several minutes, her sobs finally slowed and even though she hadn't thought it was possible to feel even more drained, she did.

" _Y-you don't understand…_ " She said as she sat up, shaking her head.

" _But I do._ " He replied lightly, rubbing her back in soothing manner. Olivia turned her head to look at him as she wiped her eyes. " _I know._ " He told her silently. When she didn't quite seem to get it, he repeated it a little slower for her. " _I. Know._ " Cragen said again, conveying the message to her.

" _Oh, god!_ " She said as a fresh round of tears started, and she covered her face from shock, embarrassment, and the many other emotions she was feeling at the current time, but Cragen just leaned in and gave her another hug.

" _I don't know the details, but I do know what's been going on in my squad room for the past few years._ " He told her. She didn't dare look at him and kept her hands cover her face as she leaned forward and propped her elbows on her knees, sniffling. " _I may be old, but I'm not stupid nor am I blind._ " He said with a smile as she finally peeked up at him.

" _You should fire me… you should have fired us. We broke the rules. Why didn't you fire us?_ " She asked, sitting up and finding the nerve to look at him full on.

He shrugged.

" _Don't ask, don't tell?_ " Cragen told her. " _Plausible deniability?_ " He continued. " _I couldn't possibly get rid of my two best detectives in the whole unit. It was wrong, yes, but it didn't interfere with your work and…_ " He said glancing at her, " _I'm not judging you, Liv. But I also know you well enough to know that this wasn't just some fling. Anyone with eyes can tell you have feelings for him…_ "

Olivia began to shake her head. She did have feelings for Elliot, she loved him for fuck's sake, but there was still some good in her. It wasn't like Elliot came from a happy marriage and his most recent kid wasn't even his.

" _It's not what you think… exactly…._ " She said. " _I'd never take him away from Kathy. They were divorcing when anything started, he'd signed papers… I… fuck…_ " She said, exasperated.

So, Olivia gave Cragen, the man she loved and at times saw as a father figure, a watered-down PG version of the most important events that had happened ever since she and Elliot first slept together.

An hour later, at the end of their discussion, Olivia was still teary eyed, but she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She trusted Cragen with everything. He knew nearly everything about her family life and how she grew up. She loved him. Cragen was what her mother couldn't be; a recovering alcoholic. And she loved him even more for being sober. It gave her a glimpse of what her mother might have been had she decided to take a different path, a path of sobriety.

" _I'm sorry for your loss._ " He'd told her when she'd opened up about her miscarriage. He even seemed to get a little teary eyed himself. " _Marge and I could never have kids. I've always thought of you as a daughter and that'll never change, Liv. You've helped me stay straight more thank you will ever know…._ " Cragen confessed. " _But I think you may need to give Elliot some room here…_ " He said.

Olivia huffed.

" _You and he don't process things the same way… Elliot's different and sometimes, his temper gets the best of him._ " The captain reminded her. " _A lot of shit just hit the fan for him. A new baby that's not even his biological child, finding out about a biological child that he'd lost years ago, the pain of the secret that you kept from him…. It's a lot. Plus, the shooting and now his retirement…. Liv, you gotta give him some time._ " Cragen told her as he gave her a thoughtful look.

She loved him dearly, and she was so, so very happy that he'd taken everything she said to heart, that he hadn't yelled at her or judged her for any of her decisions, not that she would have expected him too but the thought that he might was still in the back of her mind.

Olivia knew her captain was right. Elliot would need time to deal with these back-to-back events. And she hadn't meant to pile it on him so heavily. Meeting Riley for the first time triggered her emotions. It wasn't how she had intended to tell him.

Then the shooting happened, and no one could have predicted that. It was all too much for him.

The shooting, the miscarriage, her… So, it made sense that he was stepping away from it all, even if that included stepping away from Olivia.

….

 **FLASHBACK DURING THE PREVIOUS WEEK LEADING UP TO ELLIOT'S DEPARTURE:**

Olivia was nervous and to be honest, she wasn't even sure she wanted to do this. She'd sat in her car for at least five minutes trying to come up with a good explanation as to why she shouldn't go in the Stabler house to meet Riley.

After initially meeting Eli literally as he was being born, she didn't see him until he was at least three few months old and Kathy brought him to the station.

She'd tried to talk Elliot out of it but eventually she'd given in and had agreed to come over. If she refused, he'd think she didn't like the new addition to his family or that she was rejecting this new dynamic that he was entering into with Kathy.

" **She's only 4 days old. Aren't you supposed to keep them away from the general public until they're like three months old or something and they have their shots?** " Olivia had questioned through text when Elliot had first invited her over.

" **All the immediate family members have seen her. You're the only one who hasn't.** " He'd text back. " **And you're def not the general public.** "

His reply had shocked her at first. It sounded like he was trying to tell her that she was family and she didn't like the thought of that right now, not after everything they'd done behind Kathy's back even if she did know about them at this point.

" **What if I get her sick? Or I bring in some kind of germs and something happens to her?** " She'd tried to reason with him. Olivia was glad they were texting instead of talking on the phone because he would surly hear the lies in her voice when she was trying to get out of coming over.

Obviously, Kathy had no knowledge that he was inviting her over, otherwise the blonde would have tried to step in and cover for Olivia. Especially after everything that had happened at the baby shower and her chat with Kathy.

" **You've gotta come see her. She's perfect. Beautiful in every way. I've never seen someone so tiny and perfect.** " He gushed about his newest daughter. He was already a proud father and while it made Olivia sad for her own situation, it warmed her heart that he was taking this child in as his own. Elliot had always been a good man in that sense.

" **Gee… don't let your other kids hear you talking like that.** " She'd replied instantly.

" **Is this about Kathy and me agreeing to be the father?** " He'd replied, clearly not amused by her light-hearted text.

" **No, of course not. I'll be over in a little while, just let me hop in the shower.** " Olivia had given in. She didn't want to cause any turmoil between them, but she wasn't sure how she was going to handle this emotionally.

She should have known he'd want to share this experience with her somewhat. Especially if he was as serious about her as he claimed he was.

The photo Elliot had sent her was the same one he'd sent Fin. Riley's eyes were shut, she was wrapped tightly in a blanket like a baby burrito. Olivia couldn't tell much about her features or who she actually looked like.

So, when Olivia pulled up to the Stabler house, she sat in the car for five minutes trying to prepare herself for what was to come and almost certainly ensured a few tears.

She'd seen Kathy peek through the curtains a couple of times, checking on her. There was no doubt the blonde knew this was about to be an emotional meeting for Olivia.

Elliot had already explained that Kathy's parents had taken Eli since the baby was born and were going to keep him for couple of weeks in order to give them time to adjust to a new baby, which was harder now that they were even older. From what Olivia understood, the grandparents would bring him by nearly every day to visit and see his new little sister.

It was just the proud parents and the newborn at the home now and Olivia was very nervous. She was almost certain she'd have to go back to therapy after this.

After finding her courage, she walked up to the door and knocked. Kathy answered with a warm smile and invited her inside. Elliot was standing in the doorway of the kitchen holding Riley, smiling like the proud father that he was.

The image was enough to make her weak in the knees and it was seared into her brain forever.

" _Shit._ " She whispered to herself as she felt her eyes well up, but Elliot didn't even notice because he was pushing Riley in her arms so quickly that Olivia took an immediate seat on the nearby couch.

Kathy watched Olivia with an emotionless expression. The blonde seemed to be worried about Olivia and was waiting to see how everything affected her.

" _Isn't she perfect? She's just amazing…_ " Elliot said as he sat down beside his partner and watched the baby as Olivia held her.

The brunette's heart was racing. Olivia didn't think she had PTSD from her miscarriage but if she did, it would have been triggered this very moment. So many things were popping into her mind.

Is this what her baby would have looked like? Riley's blue eyes and light blonde hair were unmistakable. If she didn't know any better, she'd say this was Elliot's biological child, but she trusted Kathy and Elliot to tell her the truth after everything they'd shared with her personally. Olivia didn't know what the biological father looked like, but she figured this child obviously took after Kathy.

There were a couple of baby photos of Elliot and Kathy in what had been the guest room upstairs and they were both born with blue eyes and cotton blonde hair.

In a way, Olivia was thankful that Riley blended in with the family. It'd make it easier on the little girl to grow up with her big family if she looked like them instead of standing out if she'd been born with dark hair and eyes.

Olivia's hair hung down as she hovered above the child in her arms, studying her face and every little detail.

Elliot was right, Riley was a beautiful child.

Holding the baby close to her chest, Olivia rocked back and forth as she shut her eyes and the tears started to fall.

In a sense, Olivia knew this moment would be her undoing.

He'd already sensed something was wrong. Olivia had been teary when Eli was born too, but not like this. This was something else.

" _Liv?_ " Elliot called hesitantly but he received no response.

Kathy tugged on his arm, signaling for him to move. He looked at her in question and realized she obviously knew something that he didn't.

" _It's alright._ " The blonde whispered soothingly as she sat beside Olivia, who continued rocking Riley, who hadn't even picked up on the tension and was quickly falling asleep. Kathy wasn't alarmed. She knew her daughter was safe, but she was worried about Olivia's emotional and mental health.

" _I'm sorry…_ " Olivia whispered.

It was almost as if she was talking to Riley. Or maybe not Riley per say, but to her own child. Like she was apologizing for not being able to do more or carry her to term.

" _I'm so sorry…_ " Olivia said again, only this time it was louder, and she wasn't saying it to Riley. She was looking directly at Elliot. " _You're going to hate me, and you have every right to. I'm so, so sorry._ " She said as her tears flowed freely, out of her control.

Elliot swallowed hard and his eyes were wide with confusion and concern.

Kathy took a deep breath, realizing what was about to happen. Before she could say anything, she felt Riley being slipped into her arms.

" _She-she's beautiful…_ " Olivia said as she sniffled and used the back of her hand to wipe her nose. " _She's… she's perfect, Kathy._ " She whispered. " _But I-I need to go. I'm s-sorry but I can't do this…_ " Olivia said almost frantically as she side stepped around the coffee table and tried to walk past Elliot, but he caught her arm.

" _What's going on?_ " He asked, refusing to let go of her. " _I don't understa-_ "

" _We had a child!_ " She half-cried and half-yelled at him as she pulled herself out of his grasp so forcefully that when she was finally free, she bumped into the piano by the wall.

" _W-what?_ " Elliot shuddered in disbelief as his eyes went even wider and his mouth hung open in shock.

Kathy did her best to sit quietly on the couch, tending to her sleeping newborn but keeping an ear open for Olivia and Elliot. She didn't want to be nosey, but she feared Olivia wouldn't have even Elliot in her corner after this confession and to be honest, Kathy thought the woman had been through a lot, too much really. She knew about Olivia's childhood, she knew her husband's partner had suffered several trauma's and she just wanted to be helpful in any way she could.

Elliot stood eerily still. It was as if time stopped and the world around them was frozen all except for Olivia's sobs and constant tears. Her face was already red and blotchy.

" _It was a girl… I miscarried… She-she didn't make it… I-I-I'm so sorry, El._ " It felt wrong to use his nickname, especially since she'd kept this from him and it was all spilling out now. " _I have to go!_ " Olivia said quickly, and with that she rushed out the door and got into her car.

He didn't chase after her, still rooted in his spot from the shock he was experiencing.

Olivia sped off so quickly that she left tire marks in front of the Stabler's home. She wished she would have been in their squad car, so she could have used lights and sirens. Anything to get home to the safety of her apartment and lock the door. She just wanted to hide in her bed and never come out of her room again.

She'd hurt Elliot. Badly.

The man she loved, now without a doubt would hate her, despise her for not only killing their child but for keeping it a secret from him for over five years. Elliot would never want to be with her now. He wouldn't want anything serious with her and it wouldn't surprise her if he never wanted to see her again, if he changed partners or even units.

She didn't stop at a liquor store on the way home.

She didn't call up Cameron or Trevor for sex, which would have probably been on the table at this point.

Olivia simply went home, locked herself in her room.

The next day, she let Cragen know she wouldn't be coming in, she was taking a sick day. Was she actually sick? You could say that. Olivia laid in bed and replayed the conversation with Elliot over and over in her mind until it almost physically made her sick and she was sobbing all over again.

He didn't try to contact her via text message, calling, or knocking on her door. So, Olivia respected his decision. She knew he wouldn't be into work for at least a couple of weeks anyways since he'd taken off to help Kathy with the new baby.

That afternoon, she got her normal phone call from Calvin. Pulling herself together enough to have a phone conversation with her son was hard but she did it.

" _So, you're set on hockey?_ " Olivia double checked, speaking into the phone.

" _I think so._ " He replied. " _I'm really good at it and I've already learned all the basics._ " Calvin explained.

At least it was something he could do year-round even if there was an on and off season. There were indoor rinks all over the city, some were for ice skating but most of them were specifically for practicing hockey, especially in the offseason.

" _I'm glad you're enjoying yourself._ " Olivia told him. " _I really miss you…_ " She said softly.

" _I miss you too, mom._ " Calvin told her.

Olivia fell silent. She was tearing up again. The boy knew how to tug on her heart strings and she was already extra sensitive because of all the shit going down with Elliot.

" _Olivia, you can't get all emotional and mushy every time I call you 'mom'._ " Calvin continued, seemingly knowing why she was staying silent, also because it had been happening when he'd call her 'mom' off-handedly in person. Olivia could almost hear his smile through the phone.

" _I know, I know…_ " She said, letting out a watery laugh into the phone. " _I'll get over it, I promise. Just give me some time._ "

" _Sure…_ " He said jokingly.

Calvin hadn't mentioned Riley this time. The last phone call she'd received from him, he'd asked if Miss Kathy had had the baby yet. Of course, Olivia told him yes, and that she was happy and healthy.

Olivia was surprised to hear how eager Calvin was to meet the new addition to the SVU family. She got the feeling that he'd never actually been around small babies before, much less newborns.

The brunette had to admit that she felt better after speaking with Calvin. It calmed her, and she loved him so much. She truly did miss him. Olivia missed laughing with him, them poking fun at each other, and playing xbox with him. She couldn't wait for him to be back.

…

Olivia had decided to take off the following day as well. Then she'd received a call from Fin. She'd initially thought he was calling to check on her, but he was actually calling to notify her that a homicide co-victim was requesting her by name.

Once she made her way to the crime scene, Olivia knew who it was. Jenna Fox. Her mother's rape trial was supposed to start next week.

The case took off too fast. Olivia did everything she could to assist with the investigation but there wasn't much she could do since she was a sex crimes detective and homicide was handling the case.

As it turns out, Olivia and Fin ended up finding the hired assassin before homicide and put the accused rapist along with the man who'd actually shot Jenna's mother in a holding cell in the squad until homicide could come pick them up and transfer them to booking.

It was nearing ten o'clock at night. Olivia was at work way too late and way past her usual time that she would be headed home but this case was important to her.

Of course, the media can't keep their nose out of things and word got out that the killer had been arrested and Jenna Fox showed up at the precinct to see for herself.

Olivia assured Jenna that the men had been caught, and when Jenna asked to see them for herself, the detective didn't hesitate to show her. After all, Jenna had no one now and she deserved to see the faces of the men that raped and murdered her mother.

" _You okay?_ " The brunette detective asked the younger woman. Olivia hadn't forgotten that she was supposed to be getting ready for prom, but instead, Jenna had decided not to go. It was too sad for her.

" _Yeah… yeah…_ " Jenna replied as she turned around and began walking towards the elevator. Olivia stopped her briefly, offering words of comfort and encouragement.

" _You know I'm here for you, right? You have my card. If you need anything, and I do mean anything, call or text me. Please. Do you need a ride getting home? It's getting late and it's dark out…_ " Olivia offered, wishing Jenna would just take her up on her offer.

" _No… No, I have a taxi downstairs…_ " The girl mumbled.

" _Okay, take care, Jenna._ " Olivia replied as she watched her get into the elevator.

Olivia's heart went out to the girl. She actually had a decent, loving mother. Now, she had no one. No extended family and no aunts, uncles, or cousins. It was a very sad situation.

The detective returned to her desk, hoping to finish her paperwork quickly in order to get out of there when a figure caught her eye.

Elliot was walking into the squad room in jeans and a t-shirt. He had some paperwork in his hands, most likely something he needed to turn into Cragen, so he could take his two weeks off for baby duty.

He eyed here and stopped walking a mere three feet from her desk, clearly surprised to see her there at this hour when she wasn't on call for the night. Since Olivia had gotten Calvin, she'd been going home at a decent hour, vowing that she'd be the mom he deserved.

Olivia stood up and opened her mouth, intending to ask what he was doing there. Neither one had spoken to each other since she'd told him about the miscarriage. She was almost in shock to see him standing in front of her. It was so sudden that she wasn't prepared.

As she began to speak, she was stopped by the sound of shots ringing out through the squad room.

Jenna Fox had come back with a gun and had opened fire.

She shot at the men in the holding cell first, clearly intending to kill or severely hurt her mother's attackers. It was obvious Jenna had never used a gun before and wasn't skilled on how to. The bullets were flying everywhere, and she didn't have good aim. Not only that, but she was also holding it incorrectly giving her less and less control over where the bullets went.

" _Jenna!_ " Olivia yelled right before Elliot flung himself towards her and pushed her onto the ground behind the edge of their desks that were placed together.

Sister Peg screamed as she fell to the ground by Olivia's desk, she had been in the squad room helping with a prostitution case but was now deathly wounded by a stray bullet.

" _No!_ " Olivia screamed as she crawled over to the nun, hoping to stop the bleeding but Olivia knew it was no use. There was too much blood. All she could do was sit with the woman and comfort her until she fell unconscious from a deep sleep that she'd never awake from.

" _Jenna, STOP!_ " Olivia yelled towards the teenager, but the bullets continued to fly.

" _JENNA!_ " Came a loud booming voice from behind Olivia. She turned around to see Elliot had gotten his spare gun out of his desk drawer and was propped up behind the desk pointing it at Jenna. " _Jenna, stop! Put the gun down!_ " He commanded, seemingly realizing who she was with the help of Olivia identifying her by name.

Jenna turned and stared at them, it seemed as she was in shock and was only just now realizing the weight of what she'd done and the innocent people in the squad room that she had hurt.

" _That's it_ " Elliot said in a calmer voice. " _Just put it on the ground slowly._ "

The young girl did as she was told, slowly lowering the weapon as she neared the ground.

" _You stupid bitch…_ " They all heard coming from the cell full of criminals. " _I should have shot you too when I shot your mother…_ " The man said with laughter.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion.

Anger flashed across Jenna's face, and instead of putting the gun down, she began to lift it back up to shoot her mother's murderer. Elliot yelled and waited as long as he could before firing his weapon.

Olivia watched with wide teary eyes, unaware that Sister Peg had just died in her arms.

The bullet hit Jenna in the side of the chest. There was no doubt that it ripped through her right lung and probably went into her left one. She fell to the ground and blood began to come out of her mouth almost instantly.

Olivia let out a high pitch scream, it was a rare occurrence for her to scream in a setting that was outside the bedroom, but this was a scream of alarm and panic.

Elliot ran over as quickly as he could, kicking the gun away from her hand and taking her head into his arms in an attempt to make her more comfortable.

" _No, no, no…_ " He mumbled.

She wouldn't make it, he knew that and so did Olivia, but they still didn't want to believe it. This was a girl that they'd worked closely with. Her mother's case was fairly easy, plenty of evidence and DNA. The trial would have been possibly one of the easiest in New York history, which is probably why her mother's attacker hired a gunman to murder her. He would have known there was no way he was getting off of that rape charge.

" _I… I just bought it off the street…_." Jenna said as she coughed up blood. " _It was-s easy…_ " She mumbled before the light went out in her eyes and she went limp in Elliot's arms.

He sat there for a couple of seconds looking wide eyed and alert, trying to wrap his brain around what had just happened. He was only supposed to stop by the precinct for a couple of minutes to drop some papers off for Cragen.

When Elliot looked over at Olivia, her mouth was wide open, and she was looking down at Sister Peg, realizing that she had been trying to slow the bleeding on a lifeless body.

As Olivia looked up, her eyes locked onto Elliot's across the room. She didn't quite know what to do, shock was taking over and it seemed to be doing the same for him as well.

Then, all of the sudden there were officers everywhere. Someone was helping Olivia up and ushering her to a seat, asking her if she was hit. She lost sight of Elliot as he was taken to sit in an interview room, most likely to wait on IAB.

Olivia knew Ed Tucker had it out for both of them, so it didn't surprise her one bit when thirty minutes later, the older man strolled past her desk and headed to presumably where Elliot was.

Sheets had been used to cover up Sister Peg and Jenna. The three men in the holding cell were sent to the hospital straight away, for fear of a law suit against NYPD for not keeping them out of harm's way while in custody.

Cragen showed up and bypassed her, giving her the smallest glance as he made his way to where Elliot was.

It was all a big mess. Olivia was sent home long before Elliot and that was the last time she saw him.

Her entire situation seemed to worsen. Of course, she had the next few days off and was required to get a psych evaluation even though it'd been her partner that had done the shooting and not her, which she passed.

She still didn't her from Elliot and the only time she reached out was days later, at the bar before Fin showed up.

…

 **PRESENT DAY:**

Cragen had Fin take Olivia home, and requested that Fin take the rest of the day off as well. It was close enough to quitting time that it wouldn't make that big of a difference anyways.

Olivia unlocked her door and entered her apartment like a zombie. She couldn't believe the events that had unfolded the past two weeks that Calvin had been gone, and there was still one more week before he came home.

Fin toed his shoes off and unbuckled his belt, laying it on top of his shoes by the door, clearly making himself at home. Cragen had mentioned Elliot put his papers in and apparently, Fin had no intentions of leaving Olivia alone tonight.

She looked at him when she realized he'd taken his belt off and cocked an eyebrow at him.

" _Shouldn't you at least take me to dinner first?_ " Olivia shot at him.

He smiled at her, taking in her joke. She needed to laugh, she needed to get her mind off of everything that was happening around her, otherwise she'd crumble.

A little after seven, Kathy called her.

Olivia almost didn't answer but she thought better of it and picked up the phone.

" _Benson._ " She said in her cop voice even though she'd known it was Kathy. Maybe she just wanted to sound like she was working.

" _Liv, hey. It's Kathy…_ " The blonde said even though both women most likely knew it was just a formality.

" _Hi, Kath._ " Olivia said, waiting to hear what the woman was calling for.

" _I um… I was wondering if I could talk to you._ " She said. " _In person._ " Kathy added.

Olivia's heart dropped. This couldn't be good. Kathy didn't have regular talks with Olivia like this unless something was up and with the amount of shit that had gone down recently, it could be about anything.

" _Are… are you sure that's a good idea?_ " Olivia questioned, biting her bottom lip.

" _Elliot isn't here._ " The blonde said. " _And he won't be here tomorrow either. I was hoping you could drop by? I can get my mom to take Riley. Or I can come meet you? It's… it's actually about Elliot._ " She explained.

Olivia's throat thickened and she all the sudden had this gut-wrenching feeling.

" _Are you okay?_ " The brunette asked immediately, her detective senses kicking in.

" _Yes, I'm fine._ " Kathy assured her.

" _Is Elliot okay?_ " Olivia questioned, feeling Fin's eyes on her.

" _Yeah… yes, he's alright…. Everything is okay now, that's what I wanted to talk to you about._ " Kathy said more hesitantly.

" _I can come over tonight if you need me too…_ " Olivia offered, curiosity getting the best of her.

" _You don't have to do that…_ " The blonde insisted.

" _Kathy… you're scaring me._ " The detective told her bluntly.

" _I'm sorry._ " Kathy apologized. " _I didn't mean to scare you. If… If you really want to, you can come over now._ "

" _You're sure it's not too late?_ " Olivia questioned.

" _No… are you kidding? I'm a new mom again, my sleeping schedule is all kinds of messed up._ " Kathy said, clearly trying to lighten the mood and get rid of the awkwardness.

Olivia hung up the phone, telling Kathy she'd be over shortly. Of course, Fin wouldn't let her go alone and he drove her to queens. He wouldn't go in either though, insisting that whatever this was, it was between her and Kathy, and that he had no desire to be around a screaming baby.

" _You don't have to sit out here…_ " Olivia told him.

" _Nah, I'm just gonna patrol, people watch… you know._ " He told her with a small smile.

" _You hate patrolling, Fin._ " She pointed out as she opened the passenger door to get out of the car.

" _Yeah, but I love you. So, I'ma be right here._ " Fin promised her. She shook her head and took a deep breath. Olivia wasn't sure she'd ever had a better friend than Odafin Tutuola.

Butterflies were in her belly as she knocked on Kathy's door instead of rang the doorbell, which was just common curtsey when there was a newborn in the home.

After a few minutes, Kathy opened the door and greeted Olivia with a warm smile, ushering her inside and not even noticing Fin in the car.

It was awkward, but Olivia had to admit she felt a little better knowing she wouldn't be confronting Elliot tonight even though she wanted him to contact her more than anything. She just wanted to know where she stood with him.

" _What's going on, Kathy?_ " Olivia asked as she took a seat on the couch, looking around and noting that Riley was nowhere to be seen.

" _She's asleep in the crib…_ " The blonde informed Olivia as she noticed the brunette looking at the empty baby rocker by the wall. Then Kathy pointed to a small, white baby monitor on the coffee table that had a green light lit up to showcase that it was on and working.

Olivia nodded in understanding and watched Kathy as she joined Olivia on the couch.

" _Elliot is at Pine Hills…_ "

The detective blinked a couple of times before managing to speak.

" _What-what is that?_ " Olivia asked slowly, automatically fearing the worse as she pushed her hair behind her ear.

Kathy took a deep breath before she began to explain.

" _It's a mental health facility. It's where you go if you have an eating disorder or are harming yourself. It's also where people go if they are suicidal or attempt suicide…._ " She explained.

" _Oh, god!_ " Olivia said loudly as she covered her mouth with her right hand and closed her eyes, willing her tears not to come, not yet.

" _No, no…_." Kathy said quickly, putting her hands up and trying to be reassuring. " _He didn't do anything. He's okay and he's safe. Elliot didn't try to do anything._ " She said strongly, grabbing at Olivia's shoulder.

The brunette sniffled and her eyes watered as she removed her hand from her mouth and looked at Kathy.

" _He um… he went to talk to a priest yesterday at the church we go to sometimes… apparently, he got a lot off his chest and lit a candle for… for your baby and went to give his papers to Cragen. Then he came home, and he told me about some feelings he was having. This morning, he called a buddy from his marine days to come get him. He packed a bag and with a referral from the priest, Pine Hills took him in. It's just a precaution, to keep him from doing anything that he might be thinking about doing in the future and it's completely voluntary, he can leave at any time. They keep you for only five to seven days. If you need to stay longer, they refer you out._ "

Olivia sat in silence and looked down at her lap. She thought she might need a trip to Pine Hills at this point if she kept hitting the fan like this.

" _I'm so sorry._ " She whispered, looking up to Kathy as a stray tear made its way down Olivia's face.

The blonde shook her head.

" _It's no one's fault. Just… with a new baby here and then the shooting, plus, him finding out about the miscarriage… it was a lot on him and I think he scared himself with some of the things in his head… he's gonna be okay though. I know this place, they're good, they'll take care of him._ " Kathy promised Olivia. " _I just didn't want you to think he was ignoring you… this is bigger than you and me… it's bigger than the both of us._ "

Olivia nodded in understanding. She was grateful the woman had reached out to her.

" _Does he know that you told me?_ " The detective asked.

" _He said I could tell who I thought fit, that he didn't care, he just wanted to get better…_ " She explained. " _Cragen knows, you know, and I know…_ " Kathy replied. " _As of right now, that's it. I'm just gonna take it day by day and see how it plays out for now._ "

Olivia nodded again.

A cry came from the monitor on the coffee table. Riley was no doubt demanding food and it sent a smile to Kathy's face. She looked to Olivia and hesitated before finally asking her if she'd like to feed Riley. Apparently, Kathy had been pumping some during the day so she could bottle feed Riley at night to give her breasts a break.

Olivia swallowed.

" _I wasn't sure if I should ask, or if you'd want to see her. If not, it's okay, I completely understand. I just wanted to give you the opportunity._ "

The brunette bit her bottom lip.

" _I'd love to feed her…_ " She said in a small voice. " _I can't promise I won't get emotional, but I swear I'll do better than the first time I met her._ " Olivia assured.

Kathy left to heat up a bottle, then went up the stairs to fetch the hungry infant. Olivia was waiting and ready when she came back into the living room.

Riley settled into Olivia's arms and took the bottle like a champ. Olivia studied her face and how her eyes sparkled, then began to close slowly as she was nearing the last bit of her milk.

" _I know it probably wasn't exactly how you wanted to tell him, but aren't you glad you did? Don't you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders?_ " Kathy said as she sat beside Olivia, watching her daughter take her bottle. It was weird, especially since the two of them had never been real friends and they were discussing information pertaining to a man that they had both shared.

" _I felt a little like that at first but… now… let's see how Elliot is doing in a few days…_ " Olivia told the other woman. " _Kathy…_ " The brunette called, looking up to the blonde. " _How… how did he act after I left that day?_ " Olivia questioned.

" _Well… he left shortly after you did… I thought he was going after you but when he came back, it was clear that he hadn't spoken to you._ " She said.

Olivia took a deep breath and glanced down at Riley before looking back at Kathy.

" _You two just need to talk… he was a mess and I gave him some information to sooth his nerves… he clearly knew I was aware of it… he's a detective and I didn't react to the situation so…_."

" _I didn't mean to drag you into this…_." Olivia confessed. " _I'm sorry, Kathy._ " She said. " _And for future reference, I don't care what you tell him. You can tell him everything I've ever told you…. Just as long as he's okay… that's all I care about._ "

But the blonde just shook her head.

" _Don't apologize. It's over… let's just take it one day at a time…_."

Olivia agreed.

….

Later that night, Fin drove them back to Olivia's apartment. She told him what all Kathy had told her. Of course, she didn't get through it without shedding a few tears. Olivia couldn't bear it if something happened to Elliot or if god forbid he did something to himself.

She and Fin ended up falling asleep on the couch. He held her while she cried, and he continued to hold her all night long. He'd be there for her when she needed him to.

That's what friends were for.

 **Disclaimer: It's really important to me that everyone knows I do not believe a miscarriage (or abortion for that matter) is equivalent to killing a child. Sometimes, that's the way the mother feels when she loses a child when it is due to her body not cooperating or being able to carry to term, so I portrayed Olivia as feeling this way as well.**


End file.
